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KarenPayne

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Blog Entries posted by KarenPayne

  1. KarenPayne
    With my two year anniversary in regards to physical surgeries coming up I have been reflecting on recent changes along with my comfort level has changed in the past few months.
    Although I've been very comfortable since surgery over time there are things that change which are not always easy to describe, for instance, how I view the world as a whole then how I view my part as a female in every aspect of my life. I know not everyone has positive outlooks, some have constraints of various kinds that have no control over them while others have the capabilities to overcome them where decisions are made to break them or move past them. Me, for the majority of them I have broken past them and part of this comes from self confidence.
    A good example (as per the image below) is me wearing a red dress out with several friends whom I made over the past two years, none of them know of my former life.
     

    Next up, I believe part of my mother is surfacing in me. She always dressed smartly during the day as a bank manager, when out for the evening with my father always turned heads (as my father would say) first from her beauty and also from how she dressed. With that, recently I wrote about my clothing style and I have continued by purchasing more dressed and shoes to go along with them. Yesterday I decided that the next element that needed to change was outerwear. So off to Macy's to look at winter coats where my goal was to find one something classy along with keeping me warm when it gets cold out. Never would I have guessed that the color shown below would be my final selection as in the past I've always gone with black but I think that all goes back to how one changes over time from the effects of hormones, physical surgeries and confidence. Back to the coat, the price tag said 275 USD with a 25 percent discount which should have brought it down to 207 but not sure how but it rang up as 154 (sweet), no complaints from me and decided not to ask how it got that low.

  2. KarenPayne
    I at no time in my life contemplated suicide which I have learned recently through more than one source (on example came from a video I mention here) that 41 percent of people going under the knife will attempt suicide. Never would I had thought that there were many who actually regretted going under the knife as told in this web site.
    I would think that one reason for this is that a person with regret may very well had a ill equipped therapist that was not qualified to access transgender (or maybe they are not transgender at all) to be a candidate for gender reassignment surgery. Perhaps another reason might be that the person seeking gender reassignment surgery was able to fool a therapist into a diagnosing them as suitable candidates for  gender reassignment surgery. Thinking about it I can see that it would be easy to get away with fooling a therapist but wonder what those people think will happen by doing this?
    When I made the commitment to change gender I first spent time sitting alone questioning myself, self-evaluating myself to no end until I thought back that there were no in decisions, it was not about having sex as a female and knew full well this could very well be an journey that might spiral out of control with no return ticket to reverse the process. As stated in the letter of consent just prior to surgery the signature I penned says this is irreversible, no going back. For me, this was the green light I was looking for while others who realize after the fact they must of had blinders on. Was there do diligence done as I did?
    Bottom line is gender reassignment surgery is not for everyone even though some go to bed at night wishing they would wake up in the gender they believe they should had been at birth but were denied. There is a reason why there are classifications such as in the image below that a truly qualified therapist will classify a client in and not just mark them all as a true transsexual.
    You would think that after spending one year in the gender you think you should be that with every day that passes you would know if you can make it in that gender. One has that entire year to forge forward or retreat back to whence they came from a birth. 
    At the very least, sit down in a quiet place as I did and be true to yourself and afterwards take the test and if you land in in a category that says you are a true transsexual find a therapist that has experience with working with transgender people. Most likely you will then begin hormones prior to the therapist recommendation which is yet another check-point to move forward or backwards. Once the therapist approves you we are at the another point of decision, move forward or move backwards and remember, between the time you start with a therapist and finish with a therapist you are living live in the gender you want to be "forever" and forever is a long time to enjoy or learn to hate depending on your age.
    Choose wisely.
     

  3. KarenPayne
    So recently I moved from the smaller dilator to the medium dilator, first time was painful the whole time but got a little better each time yet was still painful.

    Tonight I just finished and very happy that there was almost no pain. If things progress as they have been I should be good by say Sunday.

    Any ways the purpose of this entry is too tell others who will go down this path is that in the beginning it is no picnic but does get better.

    eek not looking forward to the larger one :(
  4. KarenPayne

    My new job

    By KarenPayne,

    Four years ago, my company decided to implement a canned solution for the business which meant after the four-year process those (like me) developers that were not part of the migration from old systems to new systems would be placed into a very different position with the same pay, extremely easy work. Sounds great unless you’re like me, not into easy work.
    So I emailed the CIO of a sister company asking if they had any positions open? Side note, she knew me as a male when she worked in my company. Also, I was loaned out to this company two years ago for two months.
    Was told there were no positions open but then was asked to meet her (this by the way was in the beginning of December 2017) and the IT manager two weeks later. Talked for an hour with no openings.
    On the weekend prior to New Year’s my manager calls me into her office, said that I was asked to do a six-month rotation at the other company and was informed the next day would be my first day.
    Well I’ve been there ever since and they did find a position for me but will not be open until June 2018 and will start the hire process two weeks before my rotation is up.
    Now the important part, since I’ve been here nobody knows of my past except for the CIO and one other manager. I simply blend in, nobody has a clue of my former identity. Now the key for those still on the path to transitioning is your overall presentation both physically as in appearance and of course voice and mentally which means you believe you are female and have worked on all aspects of being female no matter if you are below average, average or better than average matched to a cisgender female your personality will shine through as female. 
  5. KarenPayne
    I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes".
    So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know".
    I said, just browsing, nothing in particular.
    So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks like a normal dildo but then said "hold on to it and shake it". Well I was not expecting what happened next. I said my favorite toy was, pointed to it. She says, I see you have a high end taste. I came back and said, sure makes traffic jams more pleasant.  (note, there are no other customers in the store).
    She walks away with the interesting toy, I move down and start to check out the strap on equipment, I look up and she is about four feet from me so I said, which one do you like? No hesitation, she pointed out the one she uses and we get into a discussion over other ones. Must have pulled out four of them and LOL we are both pulling them up over our jeans, mind you both of us are standing in the backend of the store with strap-ons having a discussion and a male customer walks in. She say "Want to play", customer "Jaw drops",. me, I turn around and we kiss. Male customer, "oh my". So she takes off the toy and calmly walks up to him and said "what can I do for you today", male customer "I am lost, after seeing what you two did I completely forgot what I came in for.
    I walk up to the door and said to her, "was nice meeting you", she, "same here, winks her eye", him while looking at her, "you don't know her?", her, now I do.
    So did I leave empty handed, all depends on one's perspective.
     
  6. KarenPayne

    Ladies restrooms

    By KarenPayne,

    I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes.

    What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either.

    Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that.

    Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move.

    One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.

  7. KarenPayne
    With no disrespect I’ve been noticing the more I’m with cross-dressers that two things (at least from my experience in the last several years) is, the majority of cross-dressers will not transition so they are part-timers only and that they never attempt to mask their voice to female mode and one reason I believe for the voice aspect is they only do to trans-friendly establishments.

    Keeping with voice, I’ve only met three post-op transgender and I’m astonished to find they don’t attempt to change their voice what-so-ever. Sure they are many transgender people that do this, myself included as this fills the package but for the life of me don’t understand when asked why they don’t the common response is “I’m happy just like this” but at the same time get frustrated when they are addressed as “he” which I’ve personally heard when out with two of them. I tell them, if you expected to live your life as a female one must put some effort into the voice else people will not treat you as female and let’s put another thing into this, if you don’t fully pass facially but sound female you will for the most part be treated as a female while fully passing physically and sounding masculine most time you will not pass but believe you have because most people will treat you that way only so to be polite.

    In the end it’s their life and their decisions made in regards to a voice will either make life roll along smoothly or create pot holes.

  8. KarenPayne
    So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties.
    I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing.
    For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.
  9. KarenPayne

    Deep waters

    By KarenPayne,

    Many times in my past life it was difficult or nearly impossible to find common ground to convey concepts and feelings to others without a conundrum in and of itself. Things change but the world in all its vastness stays small and elusive to these matters. This is where those who are members here can find common ground and try or do make sense of the issues, emotions and trials we endure. We touch each other sometime out in the open while other times silently and deep. In my own way try and invoke thought but also stay out of the dark waters yet elude to the fact caution is needed in somethings. And with that said I feel that there are some who believe their journey can be achieved through hopes and magic but you and I know that is not the case.

    We need to go to the deepest parts of our desires and rattle that cage and ask deep questions for without doing so we invite doom into the picture and that leads to very bad places where no one should have to go for leaving on one’s own accord may never happen outside of depression or worst.

    What do I mean by dark waters? It’s a bunch of little things that when combined together turns from being a ripple to a tidal wave. There are consequences for one who cross dresses or changing one’s gender that if one does not do the research may be in for the tidal wave. A consequences we all think about is “what happens if someone caught me dressed in the opposite gender” or you changed gender in mid-life and now for lack of a better phrase “a teenager again” learning things that might take years for someone to learn growing up and now one thought before the gender change it would be easy yet I know some who did not prepare beforehand. I was lucky to had done research and had gender coaches who helped me before going under the knife.

    Hopefully those who read this will take something out of these ramblings to heart and take time to flush out everything else in your head and focus on the matter of gender. Ask yourself “Who am I”, “Is my current path logical and sound”, “how will the decisions I make today affect me ten years down the road” or “how will indecision affect me ten years down the road”. Then take that ten years and change it to “the rest of my natural life”. Be honest with yourself.

    More times than I can count I spent time with myself and ask many questions over and over again until a solution was at hand and even laying on the table in the operating room I had no reservations because all my known issues had answers. Now with that said I would be lying to you saying I knew it all, nobody does so there are still some dark spots that have appeared to me but took time to overcome them.

    One last thing on dark waters. I grandchild ask his grandfather, what did you do in the war? Grand dad give the child a story that the child can understand and does not go into gory details or even that he soiled his pants (commonly known to soldiers as a battle crap) before going into battle. That is where I am coming from with gender reassignment surgery, myself or others generally do not go into all the details but there are some teenagers out there on youtube that will openly tell viewers that "if I had known" this would happen afterwards I would had thought twice about GRS.

    So do the chat with yourself and get your ducks lined up before moving forward.





  10. KarenPayne
    Thinking in line with my last post on "use it or lose it" I thought it was appropriate to tell you about a viberator that in my honest opinion is a must have. I know several woman that is a viberator and most have the larger ones for penetration while one woman I know uses one that is for clitorial stimulation.
    I have been using a medium size penis shaped viberator that is average length of a penis and decent girth. It does the job but takes a while to climax. It can be used with or without lubricant but two months ago I needed lube.
    So with me being constantly aroused last night and today I needed something better. When I say constantly aroused I mean in the car driving to the store, in the store also. The cause was how my underwear was rubbing up against my sensitive area.
    So I am looking at the various mini-viberators, they start out at $29, then to $39 then finally $59. The sales lady asked if I wanted any of them opened so I could inspect them which I did. Then I was just about ready to purchase the $39 one she said there is one more and it's very popular, the Tango. She said it is rechargeable via a USB cable, has eight settings and if you hold the on/off button to turn it off it will remember the last setting used so one does not have to cycle through the settings.
    I went and did some grocery shopping, came home and setup the Tango to charge which in the manual says 90 minutes but was finished in 30 minutes. 
    So now I get undressed thinking this could be great or a let down. Played with a few settings and hit on one that does heavy vibrating, stops for a split second, does a different vibrate then back to the start again.
    Didn't know it at the time but when I found the "right spot" guessing in five minutes my toes were curling, spasming to the point I was going to pull it off but decide I am hooked and this is so much better than it's big brother, the penis shaped dildo. 
    Let me say this, I can easily do without being penetrated by a penis with this lovely and incredible viberator. Yes skin touching skin is best but there are times when I am alone and horny and not wanting to get dressed, depend on the other person in the mood etc. 
    The viberator is well constructed, just the right size and oh my God, the tip is flat on one side and goes to a point and I can not describe in words what the shape does for me but gives me a extraordinary orgasm bar none.
    Only down side is the price is $89 but it's worth every single penny.
    Check it out even if you are not interested in purchasing one to see what it looks like. I will say the site is boring yet that's fine when the product is fan-f**king great.
    http://we-vibe.com/tango
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  11. KarenPayne
    Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

    Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

    Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

    Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves.

    In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).


  12. KarenPayne

    Exuberant

    By KarenPayne,

    Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned,
    I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do?  I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct.
    So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going in that my regular stylist does not work on weekends so it would be someone else. 
    Never had the lady assigned to me done my hair. Told her what I wanted and off to getting my hair washed. After she washed my hair she recommended a deep conditioner which I said okay. Then off to drying and styling my hair.
    Well everyone knows that in a hair salon woman chat right. So I am with a new stylist I am finding it difficult to discuss things i.e. when we got on the topic of my regular stylist leaving I said it's sad she came here from down South for a man and things fell through. She starts talking about online dating with men, me, what do I say without telling her I use to be male and then think, she probably figured it out already but avoid talking about me a a male dating woman.
    Next we start talking about if I wanted my bangs cut and for whatever reason I have a memory surface about my ex-wife screwing up her bangs and want to tell the stylist and thought "oh hell" I will tell her. She I said I have a story to tell but need to reveal something first. I was male. She kepted on drying my hair for about thirty or more seconds and looks at me and says "no", "really". But you are so girly how can that be? I said that for a long time it was hard for me to feel I was female but after hearing replies such as your's I am not doubting it anymore.
    Now most of the time I can't see what she is doing to my hair and finally do. I said, how did you do that? She said "your hair lead me in this direction". It's subtle but I thought "hey it looks like Stevie Nicks" as seen in this photograph. I always like this style and never could get it. So I asked her how did you do that again and she showed me. So hopefully I can do this next time I wash my hair. 
    She then cut my bangs followed by showing my the back of my head to see my hair and says "you can't see it all as it's longer than can be seen in the mirror". I just adore the work she did and very satisfied.
    So I expected this to cost around 25-30 dollars but was charged 19 dollars, oh my God I could not believe it especially since she spent over an hour with me.
    Came home, looked in the mirror and all I could do was smile ear to ear. Have to say this has turned out to be a fabulous day.  
    Closing out, two things I thoroughly believe are so much of a boost to one's self-esteem is spending time at a nail salon and the second is spending time at a hair salon. 
      
     
     
  13. KarenPayne

    Irritated

    By KarenPayne,

    About three months ago, I contacted an acquaintance who practiced law but had to quit because of serious health problems. She indicated that I wanted to start my name change to contact her. Four weeks ago, we met for coffee and discussed the process, she asked for $100 to start working on it. Now I know some will say this is a lot but “wait for it”. The following weekend she asked me to fill out seven pages for the process. Got it done then gave it back to her. At this time, she asks for another $300, which covers the $111 fee and her time. What she plans on doing is handling the process start to finish. She said, last Thursday she needed to met with me again. I have not heard a peep from her. Last night I pined over how much time it would take if she contacts me this week and could not sleep thinking about after submitting three documents and posting one in the court room I needed yet another two weeks to complete the process. I decided today screw it and begin the process myself as the money is not that important but still peeved she did this. Took about 30 minutes to fill out forms, pay the fee and post a document on a corkboard. My date to start the next process is 12/14/2014. Then another two weeks followed by Social security then drivers license. This is what I need to get done before I head off to California.

    In retrospect I should had done this myself but thought that giving her my business we both get something out of this.

    Personally I am the type of person who gets to appointments early, when a friend needs help I give it and know full well that others are not always the same. Any ways I needed to write this out as it truly has been bugging me and helps a little to write this out. Good news is I am back on track rolling along like a unstoppable freight train.

    End of rant.
  14. KarenPayne

    Oh what fun

    By KarenPayne,

    So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning?

    Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended.

    She says where are you going, gave her the address and said you do not need a taxi as you are from the Bower group. What time do you need to be there? Told her 8AM and booked me a ride. I then asked, how do I get back, they said call the number (gave me the hotel card) for the front desk and we will pick you up WOOHOO.

    Many people said I could get a room for about one third of the price and I said (but this is on trust) all facts given to me point to this hotel being in alignment with Marci's surgeries and from what has happen since I have arrived is even better. So for anyone using Marci, they give you many choices to stay but most have far less then this hotel and are not in tune with Marci.
  15. KarenPayne

    New cards

    By KarenPayne,

    Just returned from obtaining my new driver license that has gender as Female with my new name then went to my bank, changed my debt card over to Karen Payne.

    Do I feel different, no but happy it's done Do I feel one step closer, heck yes. The two people at DMV were so nice too me

    Ended up not able to sleep very well last night and had a bad dream that from start to finish of the name change process I had spelled my last name wrong. Woke up and had to check my license to confirm I did not make the mistake.

    Update, just ordered return labels and business cards with my new name
  16. KarenPayne
    One of my friends on Facebook shared a link where transgender people are sharing their stories. So I decided too and found it difficult to confined the story to 400 words but finally did. Once approved I will post a link back here. Anyways I am committed to this and spreading the word especially to those over 50, and older that it's possible to do this.
    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today
     
  17. KarenPayne
    My best friend and I took a taxi to the hospital, signed a few papers the off to a room to prepare me for surgery. About thirty minutes later the surgeon arrived, drew on my body to mark up for my implants. About ten minutes later, off to the OR.
    I am so use to the OR it felt like a second home
    I woke up in a recovery room, a bit groggy as one might expect. Pain level I mark at between 3 and 4. I was given some pain medication which greater reduced the pain. Terry had them bring me a Starbucks coffee which I drank till nothing was left.
    So how do they look? I believe my worries about being too large was unfounded, they are simple perfect size wise and look fantasic.
    After about (not sure) one hour a taxi drove us back to my place. Yep, another cup of coffee and then started watching "The blacklist" but stopped as Terry was tired thus giving me time to write this entry.
    Going back to pain level, if you read my blog entry on gender reassignment surgery I did great pain-wise. I did well this time also but would say this actually was more painful but again, manageable.
     
    At my place right before surgery

    At the hospital, I want coffee!!!

  18. KarenPayne

    Saturday drive

    By KarenPayne,

    Yesterday met up with the local Miata club, normally there are about five or six cars but yesterday there were 15 cars. With that there were many new people I got to meet and not one of them as with the members I met already had anything to say about me other than what someone would say to a cisgender female.
    We start off with a sit down in a restaurant for about 10 to 30 minutes chit chatting then hit the road normally for one to four hour drive through the countryside. Each time  so far it's a different route. 
    Yesterday I asked, how long of a ride is it today? I was informed it would be pretty much the entire day.
    We hit the main highway for about two hours then off into the backcountry for about an hour at which time we took a rest stop. I was the car directly behind the lead car, had not met him till yesterday. He said that my driving was great but at one point he lost sight of me. I told him that the others were lagging behind so I wanted to keep sight of them. He said, they know the way and they would caught up to us here.
    He then said I was a tad back during the last leg of the run and I said I thought it was the right distance between cars. He said, heck you can get closer. So then everyone was ready he said "the boss is getting back in the car and heading off" I jumped in my car and with the thought in mind that I could stay close to him I did.
    For the next 40 to 50 minutes we ran through some pretty exciting twist and turns in the road, got to the next spot to meet up with the rest of the group, got out of our cars and I said I think they must be about 15 minutes behind us when he asked me how far do you think they are behind us?
    He then told me about how he learned to drive like he does and then said I was a natural. He said "no matter what I did I you were right on my tail where many others would never keep up with me.
    It was 13 minutes by the time the others caught up and they said, it's time for lunch so off we drove another 20 minutes and hit a bar. While eating two of the seasoned members told me I am ready to lead the group on a run whenever I am ready (yes I was smiling big time).
    As I see it my driving skills throughout my life were crippled only by the cars I had and their ability to do regular style driving. Ever since my second run with the group I have been right in the world I should had been decades ago.
    Any ways on the way home I was asked if I wanted to be the lead driver and did so which was great. I will admit what I need to be lead driver at the start is learning the routes which is going to take a few more runs.
    When I returned home my car was absolutely dirty so I washed it, had a quick dinner and went to bed early happy how the day turned out.
    The milestones are piling up nicely for less than a year after surgery.
     
  19. KarenPayne
    Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years.
    So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when I would tippy toe back into my house.
    Luckily nobody saw me do that because that would be awkward.
    So later I walk into the section I work in and one of the ladies there said "Karen", I turn to see what she wants. She says you are wearing FM heels! I said what? she repeated herself and she smiles. Okay, tell me what FM means. She said they are F*** ME signals in regards to my heels to men. I countered and said, there is nothing sexy about these heels. She said it doesn't matter they are still FM heels. We both had a laugh then I said, what if I change into my flats. Without skipping a beat she said, then after a smoke too (you know, many have a cigarette after sex) and we both laughed again. So after lunch I walked into her cube with flats on as I always have a pair in my car trunk (or boot) and did not say a word. She finally looks down and cracks up. Me thinking "I nailed it". 
  20. KarenPayne
    Had problems sleeping last night but got around three hours then awake for one then slept for about four hours. The pain during those hours was fairly intense until my friend woke up and gave me my meds. After the medication was taken I almost feel like I am back to myself unlike yesterday after medication was taken I was still in pain. Right now the pain is almost non-existing. It's just before 5 AM which means five hours to go for my post-operation checkup.
    I can easily see myself back to work next Tuesday if recovery stays on the path it has been so far.
    My recommendation for post surgery is to sleep in bed with your upper body elevated about 30 degrees or as I did, been living in a recliner which I did for operations in the past, works great.
  21. KarenPayne

    Slimming down

    By KarenPayne,

    Happy to report that I am having excellent results losing weight. Over the past two months have lost all the weight I put on since gender reassignment surgery which was 20 pounds. I do believe my eating habits were good most of the time but think that hormones played a factor here coupled with a pre-existing thyroid issue.
    To get where I am, greatly increased water consumption, run one hour four nights a week, no fast food were contributing factors.  
    My weight history, was 130LB in 2000, thyroid issues kicked in and went to 160LB because the doctor could not control it but they finally did. For almost 10 years I kept gaining weight but to look at me as a male there was no pot belly or tell-tale signs of my weight. Hormones did not help in any of this. Back in September I weighed 198LB.
    Currently I am at 178LB and my goal is 140LB before the end of this year but will accept 150LB nothing higher.
    Over the past few weeks I have been telling people about me losing weight and get the stock reply, you are thin why do you want to lose weight. My reply is for health and to feel better slipping into skimpy clothes.
    So for the past several years I worked at gender surgery and I was tenacious until surgery was done. I am applying the same for losing weight.
    Now it's out there which is another motivator and hope that what I have done and currently doing might inspire others if they don't see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. 
     
     
  22. KarenPayne
    Several years ago I was asked to speak at Microsoft on "Diversity and Inclusion in the workplace". They wanted my perspective as a Microsoft MVP (Most Valued Professional) being transgender in the tech field. Only a handful at Microsoft knew I was transgender when I would meet with them but my lead at Microsoft asked me to participate and I said yet. From that I did the Diversion and Inclusion speech with a panel which then moved to me being interviewed (which was the second time, first time was the year prior for women in tech).
    So several weeks ago I was asked to do a write up for a Microsoft blog (which in the first paragraph has a link to another article for the New York Times). Never heard back from them but instead rec'd a tweet from another female MVP saying I should change my Twitter handle from (my old identity) of kevininstructor to kareninstructor. Learned that kareninstructor was taken (strange, may be I created it and forgot about it, will have to see) so I had to pick another one (ended up being a better selection). I then noticed that group Twitter account was cc'd so I went there and found a link to my blog entry. Now in all fairness I belong to the group and if I had checked it out would had know the blog was posted so fair is fair.
    Q&A: MVP Karen Payne Talks With Us About Being A Transgender Woman In Tech  
  23. KarenPayne
    About two years ago my best friend while out shopping with me purchased several pairs of Calvin Klein thongs then presented them to me when we returned to her home. I was both happy and sad, happy because I knew they would be worn at least once to celebrate while sad because it would be two years until they could be worn.
    Two years is a long time and the thongs ended up in storage which I just found this week and thought it would be great to try them on which I did and love them. Okay then I thought that I will need pantie liners and don’t remember seeing them in my local grocery store but went back and sure enough they do have them. So for the past several days I have been in thong heaven. Went out today to Victoria’s Secrets and hunted for thongs but I don’t believe it, I did not like any of them accept of course the ones that were too large (I wear size small). Off to Macy’s and they not only had what I wanted and better quality but were three dollars cheaper woohoo.
    So what is the big deal about thongs, by themselves absolutely nothing by themselves but just another point in fact that I am female (hear me roar lol). 
    I think that many who are on the path of transitioning to that gender, in this case, female sometimes look at the big picture and forget about the small things which in this case is clothing but is also about their environment and how (at least for me) overtime one can look back and see a trail of breadcrumbs that make up the total package of the new you.
    These little things that make up the package range from people opening doors to men flirting with you. A good example, I went to the mall and while waiting for my friend I sat down and was on my phone checking out Facebook and the man next to me turned and said, nice nails which was his opening to check me out. Yes I am into females which is not the point here. The point is that after two years of being out and three months post-op (and hormones) I truly act and react as a female. These things only come from being out in the real world, interacting with real people rather than sitting a home dressed. Now I am not saying someone who is not planning on transitioning should get out into the real world but those who are indeed moving towards GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). This is why part of the requirement is to live in the gender you are moving towards. Heck I never realized thinking back how challenging it can be to live every second of my life as female and would think most can’t fathom what it is like until you actually do it.
    So the thongs may seem like a small and insignificant thing but it depends on how you look at the big picture and then dissect what makes up the larger picture kind of like a jigsaw puzzle.  
    This is what I am into for what it's worth in thongs in black, red and while. My friend gave me one in yellow but I am not into yellow for undies. 

     
  24. KarenPayne
    One of my goals as mentioned in prior post and blog entries is to share my journey which hopefully contains decent information for others travelling down the same path. Thought it would be great to attend local group sessions to share my journey too but have not as most groups in the area are 30 to 50 miles away and are on week nights so that does not cut it for my schedule.

    Today I get an email from my therapist writing to ask if I would sit down with one of her clients who lives in my area living full time as a female. Seems she is at a loss for people to talk to and thought I would be perfect for talking to her as she is in a state which would be helpful for someone like me to talk with, listen and give advice too.


  25. KarenPayne

    Be safe today

    By KarenPayne,

    This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking.
    If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards.
    Happy Fourth!!!
     
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