Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum

KarenPayne

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    1,320

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    180

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by KarenPayne

  1. KarenPayne
    My life lessons started early on from confrontations on the streets of Philadelphia with no formal training. I looked into various forms of martial arts through the years and found that not one was all-inclusive for real confrontations. Another thing about sticking just simply martial arts in general is that they are classroom based, what I call a close environment as appose to an open environment where you are in street clothes, placed in real life situations. Closed environment training is usually by the numbers in the beginning then move to instinctive forms of the numbered techniques. With the numbered techniques, there might be a drill where two students practice a counter to an attack working through a series of attacks. The underlying issue is that many people will lose interest before moving into the instinctive level, which is when you “do” rather than “think” than “do” as in the OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide and Act). Many of these people believe at this point they have a good skill level because of the training but have never been in a violent encounter, which is the number one phobia, interpersonal human aggression. When asked what form of self-defense best I will reply as is stated above, none of them outside of may be Krav Maga. Krav Maga works with human instinct rather than doing something that is not natural. With that laid out, I have been teaching self-defense training professionally for the past 12 years. My classes are eight hours long where the main focus is empty hand tactics to stop an attack and get away or to stop without the use of weapons or to transition to a weapon. Referring to the Force Continuum escalation of force is empty hand to impact device to firearm. One of the universal weapons for personal protection is a device known as a Kubaton. The Kubaton (see link below) is legal to carry in most states but usually not permitted on airplanes or in courtrooms. To get around these restrictions many companies offer a tactical pen, which are both a pen and an impact device. Also flashlights such as Mini-Mag brand flashlight is great too.

    No matter what your decision is for self-defense your number one tool is your brain followed by how fast you can get out of Dodge. I am a highly trained person but will avoid confrontations to no end unless backed into a corner and physically defending me is the last option but if the need arises, I will “do” not “think” and “do.”

    I mention that I teach, in the trans and gay community I offer free eight hour long classes in my area but do charge for travel expenses when classes are outside a 50 mile radius of where I live.

    The image above is me (on the left) teaching in male mode back several years. The woman is practicing a technique to circumvent a 200LB male from him grabbing her. The end goal is to smash his head into her knee and scrap his hand on the concrete.

    References
    Kubaton http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kubotan

    Tactical pen example http://www.knifecent...KUdatarq=crtpen

    Recommended book: Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion http://www.amazon.co...86548668&sr=8-1

    Suggestion for home training: COUNTER-BLADE CONCEPTS (DVD) by Michael Janich http://www.staysafem...uct.php?proid=7
    Open/Close environment from; Sharpening the Warriors Edge (book) by Bruce Siddle
  2. KarenPayne
    Several years ago I was asked to speak at Microsoft on "Diversity and Inclusion in the workplace". They wanted my perspective as a Microsoft MVP (Most Valued Professional) being transgender in the tech field. Only a handful at Microsoft knew I was transgender when I would meet with them but my lead at Microsoft asked me to participate and I said yet. From that I did the Diversion and Inclusion speech with a panel which then moved to me being interviewed (which was the second time, first time was the year prior for women in tech).
    So several weeks ago I was asked to do a write up for a Microsoft blog (which in the first paragraph has a link to another article for the New York Times). Never heard back from them but instead rec'd a tweet from another female MVP saying I should change my Twitter handle from (my old identity) of kevininstructor to kareninstructor. Learned that kareninstructor was taken (strange, may be I created it and forgot about it, will have to see) so I had to pick another one (ended up being a better selection). I then noticed that group Twitter account was cc'd so I went there and found a link to my blog entry. Now in all fairness I belong to the group and if I had checked it out would had know the blog was posted so fair is fair.
    Q&A: MVP Karen Payne Talks With Us About Being A Transgender Woman In Tech  
  3. KarenPayne
    For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year.
    Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don't have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods.
    The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it's a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts).
    The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea.
    In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it's a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones.
    Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can't hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be.
    I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist.
    BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it's good for you while looking back I thought "what the heck".   
    Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don't be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female. 
    EDIT
    I was just scanning over the following page and saw that some people are asked to wait up to two years before being given HRT, that is outrageous. I think that HRT and real life test should be allowed together. 
  4. KarenPayne

    Difficulties

    By KarenPayne,

    Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with.

    Is it possible to change everyone’s perspective on you being different from the norm? Not for one minute will everyone come to terms with this and attempting to force feed people the fact that you are a well-adjusted person will not fly with many.

    Trust me when I say I don’t have anywhere near all the answers to fixing this but do believe if possible before beginning one’s journey a good support system must be in place. This support system may be one person or several people. You should be able to communicate in person and or via phone to allow you to deal with issues that may (will) come up.

    I started off with one female cisgender friend outside of work then a three male and one female friend outside of work which I had better than good relationships with and one I had saved their life but even with that I needed to use kid gloves. Having this small circle is much better than having nobody at all and having nobody will surely lead one to many hardships down the road which is not where you want to be.

    We all know that bad/dark place where only things like alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation and thoughts of suicide enter the mind and are so easy to not resist. I have known enough people who sunk to dark depths for other reasons and think about it, we see people in the grocery store everyday picking up their wine and beer so they can go home and forget the world. Trans people typically don’t have the luxury to simply drink their disgust with their physical anatomy away, it’s there whether we are sober, high or intoxicated so it’s always there. We need others who we trust and can let out our frustrations without the fear of pushing them away.

    I think many will consider a place of worship as a haven but many religions are not so accepting of transgender people as “this is not how God made you and is a sin” so understand when going to talk with clergy that you may have the raft of God descend upon you which, again goes back to having a good support system and that places of worship may not be this way. If you attend services regularly listen to what is preached and attempt to get a feel for how you will be treated by them by coming out to them. Of course it’s not always the case that they will shun you but be prepared when talking to them well in advance what questions may be asked and practice your responses to these questions.

    Lastly, many tend to think that they must stay in the same area they are now but what if the environment is toxic? If your current environment is toxic prior to coming out what do you think it will be like after coming out? Yes it can be extremely difficult to pick up one's life and transplant to a safe environment but it's possible. I saw this early on and made the decision to re-invent myself from a sales person making $25,000 in 1990 to $40,000 after one year of spending long nights studying to become a computer software developer then another year to move from one coast to the other coast to find a stable environment that was much more accepting of transgender then the last location. It's not easy to relocate and makes transitioning to take longer but I think in my case it was worth the effort. So if you live in a toxic environment and are suppressed by it you need to get out, figure out what it takes and do it.
    Any ways as mentioned earlier I am not expert so that my advice with a grain of sand.  



  5. KarenPayne

    Be safe today

    By KarenPayne,

    This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking.
    If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards.
    Happy Fourth!!!
     
  6. KarenPayne

    My new norm

    By KarenPayne,

    It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood.

    Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too.

    Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day.

    Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT.

    What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit.

    One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.



  7. KarenPayne
    We all entertain our worst nightmares when stepping out the door the first time in broad daylight dressed entirely as a female all the while contemplating who others will perceive us. Hopefully over time this subsides and it's all second nature.
    At my young age of 59 being a tactical instructor I was never concerned about my safety, only that of someone who might want to hurt me for their well-being after the fact which did happen the second week post surgery where in the end the police complemented me on how well I restrained myself and only used necessary force which in the end most likely left the attacker hurting for at least a week or so.
    What was difficult was presenting myself to the owner of the company who owns the top school in my area for teaching self-defense, an old Marine who I guessed would not take my transition well especially since I was being groomed to take over operations of the group. He did not act rude when meeting or taken back but was treated differently. Leaving this group was very difficult, I spent a great deal of time being a top notch instructor to have 90 percent of it thrown away because I needed to transitioned. I try not to dwell on the past but it's sometimes difficult.
    So this weekend I will be attending a remembrance/celebration of life for a Marine and good friend where many who know me have not yet seen me since transitioning. This will be interesting to see how those there will treat me. I plan on going in acting like my normal self, assess and react but not to react in a defensive manner which in my opinion might be detrimental. I did not sign up for this, my brain did but after almost two years out and seven months post op this is me and refuse to hide in a dark corner and feel sorry for myself but need to get past this. Once past this point I can check off another group whom afterwards will never discuss my former life as a male but instead use appropriate wording that has me not mentioning gender unless appropriate in a discussion.
    Guess what, it takes time to finalize things as indicated above but at least for me I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light is closing fast which is fine by me as when the light is gone I have done what was needed to close one chapter and open another chapter of living.    
  8. KarenPayne
    My best female friend pointed out to me recently that even when I was male that she perceived me as female because to her, my body structure/shape was that of a female which she kept to herself for a long time. She went on to say that I did not need makeup because of this fact. Note, one does not have to be gorgeous to come off as female, heck I see myself as average no matter what I am told.

    Over the past year we would go out clothes shopping, the first thing that stuck in my head was how she could look at a piece of clothing and comment how well it would look on me or how badly it would look on me.

    With that said combining born body structure/shape (which encompasses the face too) I think many overlook the fact that not everyone can pull off say a strip top because if we are overweight it will draw attention to us. Another example, the majority of male to female have no hips so one might look for tops that accent the hips with a flared top but again use caution as your body structure may exasperate the waist and take away what was done with the flaring of the top. We all have seen cisgender females out of shape wearing Spanx leggings and know they look great on an average figure but not so much for slightly overweight or excessively overweight. I bet if you asked them they would deny this and in their mind wear them because they are easy and are comfortable.

    Back in the day I purchased female clothing void of the above and pulled it off, and still do. The catalytic for this entry comes in two parts, first from talking with my friends and just today the following.

    I work in a company of 1000 plus employees where some I know from an elevator ride or waiting in line for lunch and chatting while my team mates are close friends and acquaintances. Coming down from the fifth floor to the first floor one of the employees (known only from the elevator and cafeteria), a female turned to me and asked how I was doing? Then say that, you nailed it last week. I said what do you mean? She said that outfit you wore last Monday, well you nailed it. Heck I can’t remember what I wore so I asked her. She said a grey skirt in particular as it complimented my long legs. I don’t have long legs but I know for a fact because so many people told me so that I have great legs. What I see happened was I wore a skirt that complimented me for the age I am at. Interesting enough the skirt was kind of see through so I wore a while skirt beneath the grey skirt and let the white skirt be a tad lower than the grey skirt. In short it works for me because of my body structure. Now if I were to wear tight jeans and tight top it would work against me because of my age and also would show that I don’t have great hips so back to the flared top.

    So in closing focused to two things, body shape and appropriate clothing to compliment or enhance said body structure but also keeping in mind how old you are.

  9. KarenPayne

    What do you think

    By KarenPayne,

    My best female friend whom we both see each other as sisters expressed to me that I should write my life story down that encompasses everything (well except for things I have non-disclosure agreements for e.g. work done for the military as a contracter).
    My first thought was there are many others like me, what makes my story different. She said that 1. did it at the right time 2. did not let anything stop me 3. had a positive attitude. Event with that there are still many like me so I am asking what others think.
  10. KarenPayne
    My best female friend planned this morning to visit Macy's and Nordstrom's for me having a bra fitting. The first stop ended up at Nordstrom's where she knew one of the people there which has been fitting bras for almost ten year. As luck was on our side she was just finishing up with another customer so I was introduced to her and told her what I was looking for, an everyday bra with no underwire. She brought me back into a fitting room, had me take off my top and then measured me up. She then says I will be right back which was about five minutes. She came back with two nude color bras, tried the first one on which she had highly recommended made by Wacoal and it fit like a glove. I said no need to try the other one as they both look very similar. It was a very pleasant experience having this bra fitting and was grateful that total time spent from walking in to walking about was roughly thirty minutes.
    We then had lunch at Nordstrom's restaurant, excellent food and great service. We when spent another two hours shopping at Macy's and a few other stores then we hit my kryptonite, Victoria's Secrets where I just had to got in and ended up with five new thongs.
    Before we went shopping I hung out at her house with her two teenage children too. Her daughter was at odds with me transitioning for about a month and now even closer with her. Her son never had any issues so no problem there.

     
  11. KarenPayne

    Great weekend

    By KarenPayne,

    This past weekend I spent with a group like minded people who love driving Mazda Miata's. Friday we drove what the average person would consider a dangerous drive where in 19 miles there are 170 turns where the majority are marked at 20 MPH and we took them a good deal faster (the fastest was 70 MPH and the average was 45 MPH). Friday evening we have a group dinner with about 120 people. Saturday we drove two drives, one in the morning and one in the afternoon (Friday's drive was an all day event).
    When we returned on Saturday to the hotel I wore for the first time a bikini and was hit on by three men, that was a good feeling and was fun flirting. Saturday night was another dinner and I decided to wear a nice evening gown with heels (I seldom wear this attire) and had two of the men from the afternoon hit on me again.  It's nice being at this stage of my life not needing to worry about anyone even considering my former life and truly didn't think about it till now and decided to write this entry (as usual, as the thoughts enter my brain writing them down).
     
     
  12. KarenPayne
    At my post surgery appointment I was told all looked fine. There will be at least four more visits/check-ups.
    They were very surprised when my female friend reported that I had taken only twenty-five percent of the pain killers since surgery and said most patients take all the medication. 
    They gave me Lipikar Baue AP creme which helps restore skin's hydrolipidic layer for my breast.
    My current pain level is under 1 using 1 to 10 scale  
  13. KarenPayne

    Metamorphosis

    By KarenPayne,

    Been on hormones for close to two years now and beginning to notice a difference in my brain from normal patterns of feeling unlike before and not certain how to put the changes into words even though I recognize not a subtle change but like dropping off a cliff. This involves general thought processes and emotions yet the emotional aspect has been changing small amounts over the entire time I have been on hormones.
    So far there is nothing negative in regards to the changes in my brain, only positive changes yet as mentioned above hard to put a handle on.
    Anyways been meaning to start an entry on this, have not gone very far at this point but will try to add “things” as my brain makes sense of things.
    For now it's simply another stepping stone in my journey.
     
     
  14. KarenPayne
    Moment 1 Just went to an appointment for some skin care treatment at a spa. As they are going through my medical history they ask, are you on birth control (I give a ever so slight smile), I said no, then ask (and I would thought this question would be first) have you been through menopause? I said no (big smile inside). At the end of the consultation we shared war stories of breast augmentation, she with breast reduction, me, well yeah no it was the opposite. During the consultation she asked what are you doing this weekend? Well of course my sports car driving came up and afterwards she said, such a bad girl and we went out to see my car.
    Moment 2 I'm at a club with a group of cross-dressers, most are long timers with no intent for the majority to transition. I'm sitting at a table watching two of them play billiards when one of the newer members comes to sit with me from across the room. She says, I wanted you to know that if I didn't know you were once a male would never guess it and since I know the truth have to say you look so content with mannerisms of a female and even better your voice is nice in regards to female sounding.
    ANyways thought I'd share them.  
     
  15. KarenPayne

    Self Analysing

    By KarenPayne,

    In a recent post I place the image below into it which was taken by my friend who said she wanted a picture of me for memories of that day. I was thinking about female Mannerisms and Body Language but not at that moment looking at the picture below. Note this is three days after breast augmentation and not thinking about my body language what-so-ever.
    Several things became apparent that I would like to point out, men generally sit forward while females sit back on a chair, men typically have their legs spread and hands in their crouch or open to the outside of their legs. 
    The purpose of this entry is for others to consider their posture not only when sitting but also when in other positions such as standing or walking. I have mentioned in the past my friend would constantly critique my mannerisms and body language when I first came out which in turn jogged my memories of being professionally taught female mannerisms. Not everyone will have someone that will critique their body language and mannerisms which means it is up to you to do so. I think doing this is critical in comfortably passing in the desired gender.
     

    Don't forget the little things such as putting your fingers through your hair,twirling your hair. Include hand gestures as needed and often.
    When a guy walks, subconsciously he claims the space as his and therefore walks with wider strides and kind've thinks of his shoulders like an outward extension of himself. When a girl walks, she is doing the exact opposite. Subconsciously, she is trying to take up the least amount of space possible. That is why girls walk with closer strides and keep their arms a bit closer to their sides.
    A picture says a thousand words as in the image below, When self-analysing myself when standing say in a check-out line I am always as shown similar to the right side image.

    Hopefully these suggestions are of assistance with your journey to a better life in your correct gender.
  16. KarenPayne

    Decisions

    By KarenPayne,

    I have created this poll after hearing a discussion on another forum. 
    There are many considerations e.g. you are born male but identify as female and want surgery, you were born male but identify as female but don't want surgery. Reverse this for female to male.
    Then of course there are binary and non-binary.
    Consider you are male, get F on your state id and commit a crime, go to jail but since you have male genitals you are placed in a male prison and the inmates know about your gender issues. Consider you are female and for the same reasons are placed in a male prison. Both cases there are high probability of ongoing sexual abuse.
    With that one simple case listed above, would you still change your gender marker?    
  17. KarenPayne

    Looking back on 2016

    By KarenPayne,

    Reflecting back on the year 2016 I've very pleased with the decisions I've made and new friendships made. Now it's time to see what happens as hormones progress changes to my physical and mental attributes as most know as years go by hormones tend to incrementally change one's behaviorism and I have noticed in the past several months a noticeable change not per-say in moods but how I react to things and events that several years ago I would had reacted totally different than today.
    Thinking about assimilation into a female role where many leave the trans world behind at my point in my journey I'm still going to mentor and assist those less unfortunate then me in regards to being able to transition with virtually no issues while the majority are on the opposite end of the spectrum. When not with transgender people I never bring up the topic unless someone else starts a conversation e.g. "I've noticed a surge with transgender people..." and is not directed at me but with a group of people.
    Had a conversation with a cross dresser recently who heads up a cross dresser group indicated 99 percent of those who transition in her group leave the group and want nothing to do with them anymore. I said, can you blame them? Personally I rather see them do that but hopefully some will mentor others who's goal is to transition and need someone to assist them.
    That brings up an interesting thing, while out with a cross dresser group last weekend one of the girls said her future son-in-law was coming and that he is also a cross dresser and his future wife knows about this, wow, times are changing. I'm learning that many couples are accepting of their cross dressing partners but a few I talked to said if they even consider transitioning they were done with them, in short they married a male and need a male yet accepting of their partner showing their female side.
    It's a brave new world emerging. 
      
  18. KarenPayne

    My new birthday

    By KarenPayne,

    I was born September 24, 1956 but have now declared my new birthday as January 27 as this is the date to commemorate my correct gender. I was surprised that on Facebook they allow you to change your birthday up to three times while I figured unless you have done something along the lines of what I did you would get it right the first time. Some might have issues with changing one's birthday yet I don't. Along the same lines when I changed my gender marker and first name I changed my last name too as this (at least for me) was one more thing what had to be done to wash away my former identity.
    Something for you to consider or not, changing one's last name might be right for you. The single downside when I did this was my login name at work did not change because after working there for 20+ years it would be a real chore to apply all my security settings. This is no different than a female married, takes the husbands last name, same applies so it's nothing to do with changing gender (way of topic).
    Up side is I have two birthdays in 12 months woo-hoo.
  19. KarenPayne

    Life moments

    By KarenPayne,

    Bunch of things I like to get out there but are too short really for multiple blog entries

    Went for a long overdue pedicure yesterday where I always have a good time. My lady told me that not only my facial features were female but complimented me on my overall physical appearance and said that all the ladies that work there agreed. Now I was going to get a color matching my fingernails but decided on French nails for my toes after seeing the customer next to me up until one of the other employees sat down next to me and got the color shown above and let me tell you it became a struggle similar to being indecisive like many of my mornings are after picking out what to wear five million times. Since I could not make the decision two of them said I should get this color as they said my eye's really opened up after seeing this color and let me tell you the photo does not do the color here justice.  
    One of the things I had to be concerned with un-like in my prior identity was to figure out how to weaponize myself (some say I am a weapon lol) when wearing little to nothing as in this image below, Since there are no pockets I found myself what is called a paddle holster which slips on, in this case to my skirt and when using the restroom can be easily detached and placed either besides me or on the toilet paper dispenser. Some days I do miss not having pockets but with a little ingenuity it all works out being concealed by a loosely draped cardigan. 
    We all would like to believe that violence will not come to you but sadly trans* and gay etc are much more susceptible to violence then the cis-gender people and in my honest opinion better to be safe than sorry.

    Next item, over the past month I have been getting the strangest cravings, first, about three weeks ago got into kitkat candy were I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one, maybe 20 years ago. After a week and about four extremely large packages the urge died. Last week an this week it's potato chips, have to force myself from not dipping into them first thing in the morning, oh how I can't wait until this passes. Yeek, now I know how pregnant woman feel.
    Then there is a glorious event, I have gone (in the beginning) from gobs of lubricant for dilation to cutting it in half then cutting it in half again to zero lubrication jelly to smearing it on my middle finger and I can slide the large dilator right in. Matter of fact if I open my legs the dilator will slowly pop out unlike a month ago it would stay in place. So with that I have three eight oz and six four oz containers of lubrication jelly that is going to take forever to go through now.
    Lastly, getting ready to head off to my electrolysis session for work on my underarms. Thought I would not worry about this area but since breast augmentation it's almost impossible to shave at the lower-area to get all the hairs. Last month was the first time for this and we agreed to work the majority on one side. Any ways can't wait till this is done
      
     
  20. KarenPayne
    I went back to work on Monday and had a pretty good idea how it would be as in acceptance with other co-workers. After four days no surprises, everyone I worked with or came in contact with where fine with me.

    One women whom I use to work with many years ago, still works there but in another section came over this morning and chatted with me. She was happy for me and said I looked great.

    Another woman who is in my area but I do not have contact with came over this afternoon and started off with that she was fine with me using the ladies restroom as were everyone she had talked too. She was talking to one female employee who asked her “Who is the new employee” talking about me. Then she said that Kevin Gallagher (me) and Karen Payne (me) could easily be related. That was just too funny. Then she goes on to say that she (me) looks great in skinny jeans, I laughed then before I could say anything the woman talking to me says “I agree” and that you have a great butt and look even better in leggings (which I wore today).

    There were other conversations that we “glad to see you back Karen”, small chit-chat and that was it.

    There were a handful who walked right by me and thought they did not approve of what I did but four out of five later came over to my desk and said they did not recognize me while the other I only saw once so unsure of them.

    So the week has ended on a good note as tomorrow I work at home. I am feeling great now.
  21. KarenPayne

    Chat with mom

    By KarenPayne,

    My mother called last night to chat about photographs I had sent her of me (which I mentioned in a recent entry). She first asked who had done the packaging. I told her UPS and was hoping that all had arrived intact. She says, it took my bother a long time to open the package as it was packaged very well.

    She then studied the three framed pictures and came back with “you are right, I would not had recognized you” and that if you were to walk up to me and said nothing I would not recognize you.

    The next part gave me a smile when she said “I bet you get heads turning when you walk into a room” and I said I get some heads turning which I had not noticed but my best female friend tells me about men checking me out with a look that appears to be not about gender issues but that they are interested in me. Vanity, guess I have some hidden away laugh out loud.  With that in mind I noticed on my Facebook page there are 14 men following me and one recently wanting to date me. This man was first floored that I was once male but in his words could not live without me and girls that is a sign to stop this before it goes any farther.

    Somehow the conversation went into sex, not from me, by my mother. I am still getting use to conversing with my mother about sex which has come up several times since I transitioned.

    I remember once finding a picture of my mother when she was in her early twenties and wow, she was a knock out for sure.

    So at one point she mentioned having sex with several men over the years and one think I thought was funny when she said “is that all there is” where the man entered her and pretty much was done in seconds.

    When I hear about things like this I go back to when I was male. In my early years I could last a long time but was criminal in that I was not good at pleasing a woman fully meaning exciting her entire body. After separating from my former wife things changed and I was working woman’s bodies in loving making. Of course years later I realized I was performing more as a female, not using my penis so much. In the last two or three years I had issues keeping it up and believe it was not from not physically being able to but mentally was repulsed so much by my penis that it would not stay in play even with Viagra. My next to last girlfriend told me that she had eight good O’s (orgasms) from me. Fast forward to a year and a half ago when I told her about my transition she went back to that night and said, now I understand, it makes sense as you were in the role of a female not male.

    Any ways I told my mother about the above in another phone chat and she told me about some of her dealings in bed with men.

    The last thing we talked about was having me stay with her when I go out and visit this coming April.  The jury is still out if I will stay in a hotel or her place. I think staying in a hotel is best and can be with her three-quarters of the time but will wait and see.
    I do have to say that I am amazed that my mother, 92 years old so much enjoys chatting with me and throughout the chat kept bringing up how happy I appeared in the photographs.

     
  22. KarenPayne

    Interview at Microsoft

    By KarenPayne,

    Several weeks ago I attended a week long summit at Microsoft for MVP recipients of just under 3,000 people and out of the 3,000 less than five percent were female. The woman on the far right is a Microsoft employee that has a section on what is called Channel 9 (part of Microsoft) that is devoted to to females as developers and innovators in the field. We met in passing at the beginning of the week then the next day she asked me to participate in a interview. She actually got the majority of females to participate so she segmented us into groups of three so she could get all of us on camera.
    There was around 20 minutes cut from the video which did not fit into the topics that were all girl talk and some other topics which all I can say is "what happened in the room stayed in the room".
    Going in I did not indicate I was once male but at one point it made sense in that my old male mindset could contribute to the conversation. If you watch the video note there is no surprise and that the women doing the video said she would had never guessed it. Afterwards the two woman on my right said they had no clue until I said my former life was of a male.
    The woman with the short hair is a lesbian which I learned from her becoming a Twitter friend and also from chatting with her on a Microsoft bus headed back to a building where the main events were being held.
    After watching the video I was not happy with my posture and voice (voice was okay but needs more work) but then again we are our worst critics. On a side note as planned two years ago I have made an appointment with a voice therapist in January to work on my voice. I chatted with the therapist several weeks ago, we discussed her plans with me, she has worked with trans people before. An hour time is $70-90, a sliding scale. I indicated to her that my goal was to not strive for the best but to strive for acceptable for what I am capable of without pushing the limits.
    On a comical note, the little rubber figures on the table may seem odd but they are given out to people who had been interviewed and well sought after so I cherish mine.
  23. KarenPayne
    Just when you believe you are done with all things related name change and gender changes.
    I am still getting mail that has my former name and the senders are from state government and have changed my name and gender at the federal and state level. 
    As a Microsoft MVP comes with it a handler who is someone that can assist you in ways that the average person does not have access too and is completely free. I told my handler in January of my transition, no problems there but kept sending special email messages to my old identity email account. Just got a new handler this month and they without asking transferred my address to my current female email account.
    So it's been seven months, one more down, still many to go if you can believe that it does take time to change all parts of one's identity. So when you are travelling down this road note that it does take time for some entities to caught up.
  24. KarenPayne
    In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different.
    Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due at around 9AM with her son. Her son is driving us to the hospital around 10AM which is one hour early because he needs to be some place else. My friend gave me a grocery list to get food for her as she does not drive and I can not drive for two days (oh, we will see about cutting that done to one day).
    So after 9 AM tomorrow morning I will be off the air here until I am guessing Thursday.
    On purpose I recorded about 60 shows on television so I don't get bored (well I may very well get bored from watching television) the first several days after surgery. I am hoping by Friday to get out at least to my favorite coffee place which is just five minutes or less down the road.
    Some might wonder how I feel inside? No different than right before gender reassignment surgery, kind of like going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I expect joyful emotions to kick in by the weekend.
    In closing out, I asked the surgeon to give me copies of images of me after surgery and will post them on my comcast ftp site sometime next week with before pictures too,
     

  25. KarenPayne

    The current landscape

    By KarenPayne,

    With the elections over and seeing many in the transgender community worried what it's going to be like with the new president which really nobody can say for sure it might be prudent to consider worst case scenarios.
    If I didn't have a passport this would be a wake up call to obtain one as at the current time for some it turns out to be difficult and in the future it may be even more difficult.
    Medical needs and prescriptions, what can happen is of course unknown but consider worst case, those obtaining them for free may now need to pay for them while those that get them at a low cost, the price may go up.
    Of course there are other things to consider yet personally these would be at the top of my list if I had not transitioned yet. Currently all my identification is under Karen Payne with a female gender marker yet so many in the community have not started, are stepping though the process and need to consider how things should be handled if things go sideways.
×
×
  • Create New...