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KarenPayne

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  1. KarenPayne
    In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different.
    Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due at around 9AM with her son. Her son is driving us to the hospital around 10AM which is one hour early because he needs to be some place else. My friend gave me a grocery list to get food for her as she does not drive and I can not drive for two days (oh, we will see about cutting that done to one day).
    So after 9 AM tomorrow morning I will be off the air here until I am guessing Thursday.
    On purpose I recorded about 60 shows on television so I don't get bored (well I may very well get bored from watching television) the first several days after surgery. I am hoping by Friday to get out at least to my favorite coffee place which is just five minutes or less down the road.
    Some might wonder how I feel inside? No different than right before gender reassignment surgery, kind of like going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I expect joyful emotions to kick in by the weekend.
    In closing out, I asked the surgeon to give me copies of images of me after surgery and will post them on my comcast ftp site sometime next week with before pictures too,
     

  2. KarenPayne

    Life moments

    By KarenPayne,

    Bunch of things I like to get out there but are too short really for multiple blog entries

    Went for a long overdue pedicure yesterday where I always have a good time. My lady told me that not only my facial features were female but complimented me on my overall physical appearance and said that all the ladies that work there agreed. Now I was going to get a color matching my fingernails but decided on French nails for my toes after seeing the customer next to me up until one of the other employees sat down next to me and got the color shown above and let me tell you it became a struggle similar to being indecisive like many of my mornings are after picking out what to wear five million times. Since I could not make the decision two of them said I should get this color as they said my eye's really opened up after seeing this color and let me tell you the photo does not do the color here justice.  
    One of the things I had to be concerned with un-like in my prior identity was to figure out how to weaponize myself (some say I am a weapon lol) when wearing little to nothing as in this image below, Since there are no pockets I found myself what is called a paddle holster which slips on, in this case to my skirt and when using the restroom can be easily detached and placed either besides me or on the toilet paper dispenser. Some days I do miss not having pockets but with a little ingenuity it all works out being concealed by a loosely draped cardigan. 
    We all would like to believe that violence will not come to you but sadly trans* and gay etc are much more susceptible to violence then the cis-gender people and in my honest opinion better to be safe than sorry.

    Next item, over the past month I have been getting the strangest cravings, first, about three weeks ago got into kitkat candy were I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one, maybe 20 years ago. After a week and about four extremely large packages the urge died. Last week an this week it's potato chips, have to force myself from not dipping into them first thing in the morning, oh how I can't wait until this passes. Yeek, now I know how pregnant woman feel.
    Then there is a glorious event, I have gone (in the beginning) from gobs of lubricant for dilation to cutting it in half then cutting it in half again to zero lubrication jelly to smearing it on my middle finger and I can slide the large dilator right in. Matter of fact if I open my legs the dilator will slowly pop out unlike a month ago it would stay in place. So with that I have three eight oz and six four oz containers of lubrication jelly that is going to take forever to go through now.
    Lastly, getting ready to head off to my electrolysis session for work on my underarms. Thought I would not worry about this area but since breast augmentation it's almost impossible to shave at the lower-area to get all the hairs. Last month was the first time for this and we agreed to work the majority on one side. Any ways can't wait till this is done
      
     
  3. KarenPayne
    I was out walking and thinking about passing and a post of dressing properly when out in the world.

    Thinking back to what was preached by long time crossdressers about “it gets better when you get out more” in respect to confidence in that one will pass. Thinking about this I have seen plenty of women that I could imagine with small changes in regards to physical characteristics would pass as male so why do those (and I was there too at one time) who see themselves as passing or close to passing have this immense fear of not passing?

    I use to think it was about how long one has been on this planet but every day I see gender lines crossed more and more so it cannot be about length of time we are here but that for the most part our global community is naturally born male and females are coming to terms with trans people. With that thought I would think that right now is a great time for those considering taking their first steps out the door to do so.

    Someone told me recently that she sees a lot of transgender people were she works in an art museum and that most are well versed in presenting themselves as female or male and that even if they don’t have the perfect female voice (like me) she does not find herself questioning their gender. She admitted to me that prior to me announcing my journey she was of a different mindset and I changed that. So if I can do this do can other transgender people but it does take confidence and that is part of “it gets better when you get out more” when coupled with practicing in front of a mirror and along with keeping up with mannerism of the gender you want to portray while out in public.

    Most people are too busy in their day to day life at the grocery store or department store in general to get caught up with you. When done right one simply blends into the background but when gone wrong like dressing inappropriately then we are in the foreground and open to scrutiny to those around us. Then again, you believe you have done everything right but there are eyes on you, is this a bad thing? Not always because they may be looking at you because they like what you are wearing on the shade of nail polish you have on. I have lost count of women coming up to me and saying “I love your outfit, where did you get it?” This is good but with that said be prepared to give them a reply or if your female voice is not up to it give them a simple smile.

    So perhaps you might consider taking a second look at getting out and about once you have done more than simply dressed up in a style that makes you feel great but instead dress as other females do and have done a fair amount of practice with mannerism, have thought about how you will reply to questions like “where did you get that outfit” or “how is your day going” where many will say okay but not make eye contact and I have learned that eye contact is extremely important as in a setting such as a grocery store the clerk may be bored and start a decent conversation with you, if no eye contact they may think you have a busy mind or that something is not right, food for thought.
  4. KarenPayne

    Chat with mom

    By KarenPayne,

    My mother called last night to chat about photographs I had sent her of me (which I mentioned in a recent entry). She first asked who had done the packaging. I told her UPS and was hoping that all had arrived intact. She says, it took my bother a long time to open the package as it was packaged very well.

    She then studied the three framed pictures and came back with “you are right, I would not had recognized you” and that if you were to walk up to me and said nothing I would not recognize you.

    The next part gave me a smile when she said “I bet you get heads turning when you walk into a room” and I said I get some heads turning which I had not noticed but my best female friend tells me about men checking me out with a look that appears to be not about gender issues but that they are interested in me. Vanity, guess I have some hidden away laugh out loud.  With that in mind I noticed on my Facebook page there are 14 men following me and one recently wanting to date me. This man was first floored that I was once male but in his words could not live without me and girls that is a sign to stop this before it goes any farther.

    Somehow the conversation went into sex, not from me, by my mother. I am still getting use to conversing with my mother about sex which has come up several times since I transitioned.

    I remember once finding a picture of my mother when she was in her early twenties and wow, she was a knock out for sure.

    So at one point she mentioned having sex with several men over the years and one think I thought was funny when she said “is that all there is” where the man entered her and pretty much was done in seconds.

    When I hear about things like this I go back to when I was male. In my early years I could last a long time but was criminal in that I was not good at pleasing a woman fully meaning exciting her entire body. After separating from my former wife things changed and I was working woman’s bodies in loving making. Of course years later I realized I was performing more as a female, not using my penis so much. In the last two or three years I had issues keeping it up and believe it was not from not physically being able to but mentally was repulsed so much by my penis that it would not stay in play even with Viagra. My next to last girlfriend told me that she had eight good O’s (orgasms) from me. Fast forward to a year and a half ago when I told her about my transition she went back to that night and said, now I understand, it makes sense as you were in the role of a female not male.

    Any ways I told my mother about the above in another phone chat and she told me about some of her dealings in bed with men.

    The last thing we talked about was having me stay with her when I go out and visit this coming April.  The jury is still out if I will stay in a hotel or her place. I think staying in a hotel is best and can be with her three-quarters of the time but will wait and see.
    I do have to say that I am amazed that my mother, 92 years old so much enjoys chatting with me and throughout the chat kept bringing up how happy I appeared in the photographs.

     
  5. KarenPayne
    Obtaining a female voice for the male embodied female is that thing to which can’t be surgically remedied with a 100 percent success and is the holy grail for many. So what are common methods?

    Mimic the cisgender voice on their own, purchase some type of series of lessons, enlist the aid of a voice therapist or go out on a limb for questionable voice surgery which statistically speaking can do more harm than good.

    Many factors play into how one goes about obtaining that female voice which range from being in the closet, monetary funds to available resources. Kind of hard practicing the voice with others in the house and you are in the closet or money is tight, hard to overcome these things and can be frustrating when funds and a place to practice are available but no therapist or one is shy to make appointments in fear of what they might think of you.

    No matter which avenue is chosen the ultimate test is picking up the telephone, talk to a stranger and have the responses coming back with female pronouns.

    It’s relatively easy to learn to speak female for a short time e.g. one or two minute conversations but eventually for many the vocal chords want to relax, go to a comfortable place (heaven forbid), the deep male voice rather than the soft/higher voice we aspire too.

    Things that can help, learn to breathe from the abdomen rather than the upper chest, placing your finger on your Adam’s apple, when at the right place the Adam’s apple rises and stays there. Try laying on the floor, this makes it more difficult to use the upper chest for breathing. Place a book on the abdomen and feel it working and if not then work on that aspect alone followed by going back to speaking at the right pitch and resonance.

    After getting good with one or two minute shots of female voice try these things. Speak the following and maintaining the female voice (note between each word pause a second).

    One, two

    Now do

    One, two, three,

    Then

    One, Two, three, four etc.

    Got that! Now do

    One, two, three, “Every dog has its day”

    Practice that until you are satisfied and now put together several quotes like this and pick a random one, no peeking. After speaking the words finish with describing the quote. The idea here is the first part the brain is comfortable with while explaining the quote is spontaneous and now you have to work harder at maintaining the female voice.

    Can’t do this at home? Why not do it when driving to work or taking a walk?

    When I took voice lessons I was given 30 quotes, some did more than the above as they would challenge more aspects of getting the female voice done properly.

    It’s important to keep in mind that the older you are the more chances there are for one to slip back into that deep voice rather than the soft voice.

    Lastly, set a reasonable standard for your female voice rather than go for something that is unobtainable as this will help you to get a passable voice.

    These are just a few suggestions that may or may not work for you but if not considered or tried one will never know. 
    Closing out with a short story.
    I belong to a local transgender group on Facebook, was invited to meet ten or so at a local club. I walked in 30 minutes early, was approached by a female (lesbian) who sat down at my table and started talking to me. Several minutes into talking she asked, are you here alone? I said no, I am waiting for a group of transgender people and they are all dressing in prom dresses (I did not). She then said "is that them" pointing to the entrance. I said yes, recognized them from FB pictures. I waved and said "Hi", several stared at me from where they were standing then decided to come over. When they did I said I was part of their group. One (I think she is the leader) said :"I was not sure who you were... all I saw were to cisgender females" 
    About thirty minutes or so into talking with them several complimented me on my looks (and most important) my voice which in this case I know they would never had said it if they did not mean it. 
    It took me a while to obtain that voice and so happy for having taking lessons by a professional therapist who's main task in the beginning was to cultivate what I had obtained on my own. 
  6. KarenPayne

    What's new

    By KarenPayne,

    It's been a while since visiting here, little has changed other than being asked to work for a global/major tech company several weeks ago which I have accepted. Yes they know my past and that is not an issue. I've always said that work hard and have a determination no matter what gender you are will get you places. Sadly there are many companies who discriminate against anyone who is not cisgender but that will only change when those of us who are not classified cisgender refuse to lay down and submit.
    Now the proud owner of two Mazda Miata's, a 2016 and recently a 2019.
    It's been just under four years since transitioning and hardly give my current life a second thought living as I should had been years ago but that's life.
  7. KarenPayne
    I went to a surgeon this morning. I was directed to a examination room, five minutes later the surgeon (male) and his assistant (female) walked in, did an introduction then proceeded to review the forms I filled out. While going through the forms I said "I just had gender reassignment surgery two months ago" and both of their jaws dropped. I could tell it was genuine from their facial expressions. Both of them were shocked indicating they thought I was a cisgender female (they did not use cisgender term) and said they would had never guess this was the case. I responded with "thank you".

    After getting past this he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I indicated my desire was to have a breast size appropriate for my structure. He then had me sit a specific way and did a whole lot of measurements. Once finished with the measurements explained three different styles and shapes and made a recommendation on a size and shape. Then the assistant was curious how close was the recommendation to my breast forms, the size was the same but the shape was different. We then went into a discussion on how the implant shape would work on me.

    He did indicate I had a fair amount of growth from hormones.

    Size-wise looks like the low side of a C cup for me.

    The entire visit with them was about 30 minutes followed by getting an estimate which is pretty much what I expected, $7925.00 total. Everyone I have seen is in the same ballpark.

    I asked about doing this in May and was given May 21st as an open date. Will check with work to see if this works which I am sure it will then confirm the surgery date on Monday.

    So in two months I will have boobs :-)

    UPDATE: See the following thread for a chance on free breast forms

  8. KarenPayne
    Over time it is hard to not recognize that not just with gender issues but every aspect of life we encounter a fear and doubt our abilities to cope. This is normal behavior until we key in on gender dysphoria because if nothing else we are living in a world that is gender centric, male or female.

    Fear of being late with a car payment is vastly different than stepping out one’s front door dressed in the opposite gender. We can call the bank, chat with them and make special arrangements if your payment will be a few days overdue. Now when walking out the front door as a female or male those who see us and identify with us as the opposite gender quickly form an opinion be it good or bad unlike the bank who looks at your history with them over a period of time.

    Once you walk out that door fear takes over similarly to standing in front of a group to give a speech, mouth is dry, we sweat all over the place but over time with repetition we become less sweaty and the mouth is not so dry until if we do it enough now the door is open to familiarity with little to no stress. Heck I know, if you caught me in 2000 standing in front of 10 students you would think I was a complete amateur but several years later stood in front of 375 people and was right a home.

    I say it and hear others say it, it gets easier each time you walk out the front door dressed in the opposite gender. How many times does it take? That is going to be different for everyone.

    What is critical is believing in yourself because if you don’t believe in yourself how do you expect others to believe in you? To believe in yourself it takes time in the comfort of your own home first watching various shows on television, study female mannerism then get up of the chair and practice what you just saw. A physical therapist once told me to suck in my abdomen several times a day and would find her in my head at the strangest times so I suck it in. Same applies to learning mannerism of the opposite gender. Example, you are driving in your car, look down at your legs, how are they positioned, legs spread apart or comfortably close together, are both hands on the steering wheel or just one? Correct as needed. Sticking with driving, this is the perfect time to practice your opposite gender voice where absolutely nobody can hear you, just keep the windows up at red lights.

    The more you practice these and similar traits of the opposite gender the better prepared you are for stepping out the front door. So what if Mr. Jones sees you, wave and smile and don’t hasten your pace, take a deep breath and continue on. Hopefully Mr. Jones will become accustom to you being seen as a female yet there is one fallacy to this which is during the week you are male and weekends female. The fix for this is to be female more often during the week.

    The key is to want it then prepare so you are as natural as you can be and remember it does get easier over time, I know because I have done many of the suggestions and more. 

    In closing, I invite others to chime in with there suggestions as I DON'T know it all and there is a vast wealth of wisdom within this community that can be drawn upon.
  9. KarenPayne
    I am going to use this blog entry for posting resources for others that are travelling down a path that may or may not result in transitioning. So I will update this as resources are found.

    I would request if you have good resources send them to me in a PM rather than comment below the post to keep things clean.

    Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory test
    http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en

    Scoring for test
    http://www.transsexual.org/cogoffline.html

    The following link the person put together lots of good information
    http://openmindedhealth.com/transgender-101-trans-people/#comment-50248

    Electrolysis Methods
    http://www.transgendercare.com/electrolysis/methods/overview_methods.htm

    HRT Male to Female
    http://micheleomara.com/services/transgender/feminizing-hrt-for-male-to-females/

    Risks Associated With Hormone Use (Estrogen)
    http://sillytranswoman.blogspot.com/2011/03/risks-associated-with-hormone-use.html


    Dilation 101
    http://sillytranswoman.blogspot.com/2014/08/from-princessjoules-mtf-post-op.html
  10. KarenPayne

    Female Voice

    By KarenPayne,

    I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is free. So I try it out, I pretty much nailed the acceptable range woohoo. Even though I nailed it I know there is still work to be done but happy to know I am on the right track. Back in 2008 when meeting with a doctor for hormones (did not start then until last November even though she approved me) she indicated that my voice did not need much work and should be easy to have a very good female voice with practice. I think the main obstacle is the need to change back and forth but not after my surgery.

    We all know you can look female but when our mouth opens and the female voice is not there all is lost. Don’t know about anyone else but IMHO you need to work on it. There are times I will warm up by saying meow, each time raising my voice to what I think is acceptable. I learned this from a u tube video.
  11. KarenPayne

    Socializing

    By KarenPayne,

    I have meet our moderator here (the week after GRS where she took me out for a great dinner in California), only member that I have meet in person but had the pleasure to chat with several members here in the past where one member setup a conference call each Saturday.
    Although the conference calls did not last long I think they were an excellent idea as vocalizing verses writing is vastly different. I am hoping to meet two members here in person (and would like to meet more), one in the US and one in the UK, both know who they are when reading this. 
    Just received a request to meet up with a member of another site (not nearly as good as this site) this afternoon. This member has been around for a long time and expect from reading her post this should be an excellent get together. Oh, and I told her I expect to hit the Pandora store while at this mall.
    With that, I am curious if other members have met up with other members here?
    Any on a similar note in regards to meeting people, this morning my best friend's daughter ask if I would be there with her and her mother to pick out her prom dress. I am so excited so has asked me.
     
  12. KarenPayne
    Unfortunately at the time of my transition was when my sister developed a fatal cancer and could not bring myself to fly east to see her one last time. My impression was we have a decent brother sister relationship but after her passing my mother told me I was more to her than what I had imagined. I so regret not being stronger and just gone to see her. Please don't let something like this ever happen to you.
    Since then I have been thinking of getting a tattoo of an owl which was something she was into but for a multitude of reasons never did get a tattoo of an owl.
    Today I was walking in one of the more popular malls and spotted a Pandora store which I later learned was the only one in the greater Portland area. I asked if they had a owl charm and they did so I had them set me up with a bracelet and charm. So now as I see it I wear a token to remember my sister by on my wrist.
    I miss you Suzy

  14. KarenPayne
    First off, wish I’d thought of this earlier in life yet there is no bad time to start. I’ve been coloring my hair from dark brunette to blonde to dirty blonde and the consequences were thinning of hair but no hair loss (thank goodness).

    Decided it was time to combat the issue with vitamins and several hair mask and conditioners. It’s been one month now and have seen noticeable difference is the health of my hair. Downside is on the weekend I spend an hour dedicated to pampering my hair.

    I’ve also started having a professional facial done once a week and have noticed healthier skin.

    Couple the above with from fast food diet to one deal with meat a day with the rest salads and streamed vegetables.

    I think the above will pay dividends as time goes by with emphasis on leading a healthier life style.    

    Last but not least, since two more things, I never go out without a hat and sunglasses even when it’s not sunny. Maui Jim's prescription (progressives) sunglasses were my choice as I like the trial pair given to me along with testimonials from customers of more than ten years. Of course dependent on what I’m wearing I wear good sun block/screen lotion. 

    PS It's been over a year without any makeup other than a product which promotes healthy skin which has a slight makeup characteristic to it. 
  15. KarenPayne

    Girls night out

    By KarenPayne,

    One of the woman I work with stopped me and asked if I would like to go out with the other woman in my section. There are six of them that every week they go out to dinner and have drinks.

    She said that they all discussed should they ask me, all of them have known me for years in my former male life so they kind of know what I am like. Any ways they all agreed that I should be asked.

    From the short chat with had it really sounds like it could very well be a good time and get in with these ladies. What is interesting is most of them are in their late to mid thirties which is much younger then me but that is not going to stop me from going out with them.

    I am very grateful that they did think about me and accepted me.

    On a side note I have noticed the difference in what woman talk to me about before and after transitioning in general, things I could only guess or even for that fact never guess. Like when I had my nails done in the past few months, the ladies there talk to me about those things that would never surface before I was Karen. So that is simply another aspect of a continuing journey and things to look forward too.


  16. KarenPayne

    Time passes

    By KarenPayne,

    It's been away since visiting this site and would have been longer accept for getting several email messages for posts I have subscribed too.
    The main reason for not being here is life is good and with nearly three years post-op I go months without even thinking about transgenderism. It use to be a daily thought because is took time for my new life to settle in.
    What's not to like? Well when out in the backcountry of Oregon with the Miata club I drive with when there are no port-a-potties sometimes finding a decent place to relieve myself is not always easy. Explaining to a gynecologist, nope I have not had a hysterectomy, see page three of my application (notes I'm transgender), "Oh I'd never guess".
    Lessons to others, if you do have full surgeries to become the inner you then and do it right (which granted is not always easy) by pre-planning and learning to adjust/fit in you have a good chance to get to that place where you have days that not being a cisgender female never crosses your mind. People (friends) who know will give say things like "you are such a girl" and you have that inner glow.
    In closing, one of the best things happened to me recently, my son called and said "Karen" I'm planning a trip to Oregon (he lives in California) can I stay over for a night? Day one here we spent the day together which included a run in my Miata, did lunch and dinner along with talking about stuff. Never called me Dad, always Karen. This was the first time he has seen me since my surgery other than photos I've sent him. All in all no downsides to his stay for two days. My daughter is also accepting of my transition but since she is on the East Coast it's mostly talking on the phone. Last time she saw me was one year before my transformation. So I'm a happy woman now and hope the best for those on their own journey not matter the path. 
     
  17. KarenPayne

    Boot shopping

    By KarenPayne,

    On Thursday I noticed the heel on one of my best boots the bottom part was coming off. I managed to fit it back together yet realized it would eventually be unrepairable. So yesterday morning I headed off to Macy's knowing there was a decent sale on shoes/boots and this is where I purchased the current pair.
    I believe my choice in an outfit was great, nice pair of leggings which is what I would wear with boots, snakeskin mid height heels, tank top and a cardigan. In less than two minutes a gorgeous late twenty female sale person asked if I needed help. Told her my intent and she said that if I needed any help to wave to her. 
    After about ten minutes she came back over and mentioned that the two pairs of boots I was looking at she had last year and proceeded to tell me about them. The thing that really got me was how she was looking at me like she could eat me up in bed and felt great. We chatted for about five minutes and then asked if I could try both pairs on. Since I know how shoe sizes go I asked to try a 9 and 9.5. 
    She comes back with one pair in 9, one pair in 9.5, get the same look of I could eat you up. 
    So I try both pairs at once and of course can't decide which pair and that one size feels slightly tight and the other slightly too large.
    She comes back and in short recommends I get the 9.5 giving a few reasons why. I said sold.
    At the counter after completing the transaction she gives me her personal number and said don't hesitate to call me with a coy smile. I leave feeling good with options going through me head.
    On the way out an older couple are at the door, the man waits for me holding the door and when I get there he takes his hat off and says good day too you, how is your day going. I said thank you and that my day was great. I mention this because it's not everyday a man takes his hat off for me or for that matter never seen this outside of a movie
    Returned home and compared the new boots with the old boots and noticed they were the same brand which is good as the old pair served me well, pretty much wore them three or four times a week over the past year.
    Now thinking about calling the woman who helped me and see what happens but still not sure if I will or not.
     
     
  18. KarenPayne
    I remotely remember writing this and that it might take a while for them to decide to publish it but today I received an email indicating they had published it.
    Personally the reason was not to shed light on me but to show others what is possible else I just assume be private about this.
    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today/stories/karen-payne
     
  19. KarenPayne
    I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in.

    So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys.

    I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again.

    Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does.

    Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.
  20. KarenPayne
    There is a person in my company who always talked to me prior to GRS then stopped afterwards. Finally she stopped me outside and said I have a question, "where do you get those cure outfits" So after replying we had a long discussion about my surgery and she said "you are very courageous" in how you came back to work and that you seem like you had always been female which I simply smiled.

    Having success with most co-workers did kind of bother me that she had not talked to me but now we are. So that leave just one co-worker who has not spoken to me since surgery.
  21. KarenPayne
    I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing.
    Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old.
    One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us.
    Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that.
    Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there.
    Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh.
    Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. 
    All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship.
    Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol)
    I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging.
    I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne    
    Thanks for sticking with me on this!
  22. KarenPayne
    My friend had me pick up groceries prior to surgery, two items in particular I wondered about, strawberries and blueberries. Well last night I found out they were for me to assist with constipation as happens after surgery. So I am eating them right up. Urinating is no problem at all. Speaking of urinating, I am wearing a rather loose fitting and long top so each time I go the top is lifted up over my new breast and of course have to stare at them, oh so nice looking if I do say so myself.
    Dinner was fantastic, my friend made a disk that I can not explain other than I eat everything off my plate.
    I am having troubles sleeping, went to sleep in my recliner as the chair provides a better position that my bed. The longest I have slept for is two hours. It's 1 AM right now and fully awake.
    Pain, it's currently at 2 out of 1 to 10 scale were most of the pain is from a strap that runs around my chest and covers the top of my breast to keep them down and in. I will see if my friend will take a picture so you all can see for yourself.
     
     
     
  23. KarenPayne
    I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks.
    I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure.
    So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not  a minute later there she is.  
    As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history.
    She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo.
    Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. 
    BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US.
    Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!
     
     


  24. KarenPayne

    Facebook tips

    By KarenPayne,


    Facebook
    Before and after surgeries I used the same Facebook profile, changed my handle and did the following which I consider tips for those who are transitioning
    When Facebook suggest reposting old post, review comments first for any references to your old identity e.g. someone said "Hey Kevin" while now I'm Karen, get the hint. Move old identity photos to a hidden folder or delete them. I elected to place the photos into a hidden folder. Now I do realize many will elect to have one current profile and one for their secret identity, me, I recommend one profile, get it out there and be proud.
  25. KarenPayne

    Nice butt baby x 2

    By KarenPayne,

    This afternoon I was talking to a female friend showing off my Miata and this guy looks out the car window and says yells to me and says "nice butt", had to be me because my friend was facing the other direction.
    Then the other day my neighbor tells me her husband saw me walking down the street but did not know it was me and said she has a nice butt then she goes, that's Karen.
    Funny in that I never got this before and know full well that taking hormones has zero effect on how one's butt looks so not sure why all of the sudden I am having men yell to me about my butt. What I can say even thought I am not into men that it's feels great getting these complements and is a confidence builder if nothing else. 
    On a side note my friend whom I was with today purchased a new BMW sports car, seems that I was the fire to ignite her to purchase the new car. I think for the money my car was a better bang for the buck but will never tell her that as she spent $50,000 and I spent $30,000. In these matters best to simply compliment and leave it at that.
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