Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum

WarrenG

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    265

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    8

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by WarrenG

  1. WarrenG
    So today I made very slight progress, though it put me in a bad mood all day and made things very disappointing.
    After exchanging very brief emails with the plastic surgeon center at the nearest large hospital in my area, I finally decided to call them and get a quick estimate on what I'd be looking at for a top surgery plus anything else that may or may not be required.
    To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for.
    It's not like they'd start giggling like the littlest elf and offer free surgery and tell me to show up tomorrow.
    Though that would be epic...
    But, alas, miracles dont happen every day.
    I were greeted by a rather friendly young woman named Alice, though she werent my alice in wonderland.
    She didnt have the greatest of news for me either.
    My Double Incision Bilateral Mastectomy will cost me an estimated grand total of 8,000$.
    Right now I have saved up....600$....
    Before I can even go in for consultation about the surgery, I'm required by the state to see a phsycologist, which my insurance probably wont even cover.

    They offered me a "care card" which is basically a credit card that they can charge it all to that I pay off later...but with a lot of interest and growth interest. Meaning the longer it takes me to pay it off, the bigger the bill gets. Gee...thanks....
    So my next phonecall was to my doctor to inform her that I self-changed one of my medications because it was giving me horrible side effects, but she insists that I come see her this friday.
    Not only because of that...but they're considering putting me on testosterone hormone treatment.
    Part of me is like HELLZ YES!!!!
    But....who wants to grow facial hair and possibly body hair and start looking masculine....while still enduring the embarrassment of 44DDs? No one, that's who. And certainly not me!
    I dont want to walk around with a 5oclock shadow and chest fuzzies while still trying to sort out my "tumor issue".
    I hate how I look as it is, that is not going to help!
    On the other hand, I'm excited for a deeper voice, for my body's reshaping into it's male form, and certainly for a less girly face. As a girl I look my proper age. But if I were to pass off as a boy, I look thirteen, not twenty two.

    Anyway....next call: Insurance.
    What do you and do you not cover in terms of surgery?
    Well, I got a woman who could barely speak english. But the answer I got was basically "nothing".
    I have a 500$ deductable, and 5000$ OUT OF POCKET.
    Granted 5,000$ is better than 8000$ but....I can barely pay my bills as it is....theres no way I can do that right now...or even next year.
    So you can see why I was depressed all day. I'm tired of waiting. I dont want to wait until next year, or the year after, or the year after. I want these GONE.

    On top of that...
    I think my boyfriend and I just officially decided to be roommates in the future. And that's it. Nothing more.
    Blah.....
    But here's the GOOD NEWS:
    I'm trying to go sober again! From cutting, I mean. I'm not much of a drinker
    I got a sudden slap to the face while browsing the infamous youtube last night, and stumbled on a video out of no where.
    "Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
    Now if you know what you're worth, then go on and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you aint who you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." Rocky Balboa

    I grew up watching rocky with my dad up until he died when I was eight in a tractor trailer truck accident. After his passing, I couldnt watch it anymore because I'd always think of my dad and break down in tears. My dad was my everything. My whole world, my hero, my knight in shining armor.
    Because my dad was my Rocky Balboa.
    But that quote came to my ears and it made me cry. Hell I'm not ashamed of it, it made me bawl like a damn baby. Because at this particular point in my life...I needed that. I needed those words and it picked me up and brushed me off and said "damn it, your father dont want this for you, put that stupid blade down and get up off your knees!"
    My dad doesnt want me to sit in the corner and wave a white flag. He'd want me to brush off my shoulders, put my boxing gloves back on, and prove to them that I can do it. Because I can.
    So damn it, I'm gonna try.
    Not just for my Dad, but for me.

    I just hope I can K.O. my own doubt before the bell rings.
    Warren
  2. WarrenG

    Dragging my Feet

    By WarrenG,

    I cant help but feel slightly offbalanced knowing that I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and that my last blog was rather…eh, how to put it…..rabid? Furious?
    Either way, I’m not entirely proud of it and I apologize for the negative ranting that you all so lovingly put up with. Sometimes we just got to get it out of our systems I guess.
    No worries though, today’s is less snapping teeth and clenched fists. Today is sort of just a wander around and poking at flowers while caving in anthills type of blog.
    So, I did meet with my doctor for my last insurance-covered visit, just to get an update on meds and whatnot. So since around this time last year I have officially lost aprox’ 30pnds. Either from feeling more myself with the transition, maybe depression meds, or maybe it was just gonna happen anyway; either way I’m glad for it. Though I don’t feel like I have more energy, and my fight with clothing still persists, I do feel slightly better knowing I weigh a bit less. Aside from the rather lose and baggy skin left over, I’m a little happier with my body. I cannot credit it to workouts, however, because I’ve honestly not done enough of it to even consider it being a contribute to the weight loss. It’s too hard to breathe and function during workouts with such a heavy bust, and I applaude any woman who can do it comfortably.
    In other news, my neighbor/mom/gramma (she hasn’t decided which she likes best lol, SUPER supportive of my transgender awesomeness) has hooked me up over facebook with her friend Alan, who apparently is HUGE into LGBTQI rights(apparently the new LGBT) and is a CEO or something for some big company. Apparently he wants to talk to me about my transgenderness and the surgery thing and whatnot. Naturally I’m nervous as hell to talk to him, and not sure what to expect out of all of this.
    But hell, its worth a shot right? You never know. Ive joined a few groups on facebook for a little boost of support and know-how, such as a Pansexual group and a few transgender groups. It’s rather uplifting to talk to other ‘uniques’ such as myself, and I’m proud to be a confident panda (pansexual. We have a nickname! Schweet!) And although I cannot rule out thoughts of self harm now and again, I am a little proud to say that I am 100% healed and haven’t harmed since I quit my job. So that’s good I guess. Naturally I still have thoughts and such, but so far with the help of my sister (not biological but I’ll be damned if she aint my sister!) Destinee, I’ve been able to withhold these urges and stay clean of it.
    I slowly got more into photography again, though its only here and there, because the bugs in my area are HORRIBLE and I hate going outside with these little bastards and getting eaten alive. But I have noticed that my area of interest has been the sky, and I rather enjoy “screenshooting” the clouds. I’ll post some pics with this blog to show some, from the most recent thunderstorm in my area.

    Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about in this blog, as nothing has been too awfully exciting lately. Although my little sister/bro (theyre still figuring out, but may be gender fluid, which is totally fine with me) is coming down this week (after a frustrating debate with my mother on letting them come down -_-) for my birthday My birthday is May 22nd, so this Friday, and I’m turning 23  
    I’m taking my lil punk to the hair salon, and the both of us are gonna get cuts and they might bleach theirs. I don’t think I’ll bleach mine but am looking into dying it dark blue just for something different! Then, hopefully, the plum island beach on Saturday!
    So excited! I’m an ocean-aholic…….
    Sending you more pics soon,
    Warren
  3. WarrenG
    Ok so I figured I'd start out by jumping right into my pool of angry venting and oblivious flailing. Sort of like a seagull who just witnessed some scumbag stealing "his" crumb. You ever watched a seagull in a McDonalds parking lot, when someone throws a french fry and some other gull grabs it? He's all "AAAAAH!!! YOU SCUMBAGGGG!! I SAW DAT FIRST, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! YOU-oh, hey, that hooman has another one!?"
    That's how I imagine it anyway.

    Well let's start off with today, and I'll backtrack into my sea of awesome, like a backstroke, to the good parts.
    Start with the bad, go to the good. So we leave on a good note, and not the bad. It's opposite day.
    Just go with it.

    So I get up sort of late today, not like super late but enough for me to actually put some pants on instead of wandering around in my boxers for half an hour.
    I get up, get dressed, not even attempt to do something with my hair. It's going in a hat anyway, who cares? Not this guy.
    So I get my shizz (backpack full of notebooks I know I'll have no time for but I bring them anyway) and throw on my boots, and head out to my already-breaking Jeep. I call it my Heep. Heepa-jeep.
    It's official name is Demon. Cuz its red. And reasons.
    ANYWAY. Jump in, start it up, and the usual check engine light is on. I dont panic. There is no panicing involved since it's been on for about a month now, because I have a hole in my Kat that needs to be welded plus the fact that my muffler is rusted out which matters NOT because my whole damn exhaust system is basically unattached.
    Poor person problems.
    Anyway, I'm driving along with my radio blasting as usual and DIIIING.
    Not like a little "hey, hows it goin, check this out" sort of noise but more like a "HEY!!! DUDE!!! DUDE!! YOU SEEING THIS!? ARE YOU F***ING SEEING THIS!?"
    To which I reply "Ah, crap."
    My EBS or Electronic Braking System, as decided it needs attention. It wants service.
    To which I reply "Too damn bad, bish, I'm going to work!"
    So I ignore it.
    Then I look down, and notice my car is overheating.
    Oh, fun. Blast the heater, roll down the windows, and enjoy the 50F weather with my heat on. No problem. Okay, so since I'm ignoring it so far, my jeep decides to amp up the annoyance.
    "Oh, I'm an automatic? Haha, funny. YOU shift, I'm done."

    Yup. No shifting. Had to do it myself. THEN, THEN (Nope, not done yet) I stop somewhere to let it cool and give me a break, and it decides "I dont want to keep going! You're on your own, buddy!"
    and doesnt want to start. My reply, naturally was "YOU HEAP! DO IIIIIIIIT."
    And it did it. Because I'm a human. And I think I'm the boss. But dont tell me I'm not even though it's obvious that my car rules my life. Damn it......

    Basically to fix all the shinanigans (which decided to magically disappear once I told my boyfriend who traded vehicles for the night so he could work on the jeep. Thanks Demon) it's gonna cost me about 200 monkey moolahs which we all know is like 2000 real money.
    Thanks. Thats....wonderful. Thank you, I needed that boot in the butt.

    BUT, YOU WAITED. YOU READ. YOU LISTENED. You may or may not have been sympathetic, and if you were I thank you, if you werent then get lost;
    But here's the good news.
    You ready? Yeah? Nope, gonna stall.
    So I went to see my doc, and we talked about the cutting thing and the medications (which she decided to change to a different brand, Zololf, which I so far love) and all that blahness. And I explained to her that my back is still in pain from my obviously huge bust.
    I have to sleep upright, I cannot lay on my back or stomach because it hinders my breathing, and to my absolute horror; I went up a bra size. Yay me.
    So she said she would talk to someone and not to worry about it.
    So I get a call about a referral. No big deal, we'd been talking about getting me a new therapist anyway.
    Call them back....."I'm sorry but I'm just not seeing a referral to here....Are you sure it were for a therapist?" they ask me. To which I reply "I have no freaking clue. You called me, I'm calling you, it's a party."
    So they search around and ask a few departments (huge hospital, lots of chaos) and then she goes "Oh, you've called the wrong department". I'm assuming maybe financial aid, the padded rooms, maybe a straight jacket factory......nope. Better.
    And there's not much better than a soft, comfy, private padded room.
    "You're looking for the Plastic Surgeon. This referral is to Doctor Shin, the plastic surgeon."
    Oh. My. God.
    No.
    Nope, I need pinches. Someone pinch me.
    So naturally I bawl like a bitc*.
    They transfer me, we talk, and yup. You got it.

    My Official First Consultation with a Plastic Surgeon concerning FTM Transgender Top Surgery is coming to my nearest hospital on May 6th of this year.
    IT'S ON, LADIES AND GENTS.
    OHHHHH IT. IS. ON.
    No words.
    I'm done.
    I dont think I need to explain for you to understand my emotions.
    I think I'm gonna go die now.
    In a good way.

    TOOTLES!
    Oh and I love you all.
    Just as a footnote.
    LATERS,
    Warren
  4. WarrenG

    Dressing the Part

    By WarrenG,

    When it comes to being transgendered, it's not just an inside confession or a validation of yourself in your own mind, but it's an outward expression. It's a chance to take your gender that you were born with on the outside, and throw it in your trashcan, light that ***** on fire and say "Good Riddance"
    But sometimes it's not as easy to figure out how to do that when it comes to clothes.
    If you spent your life like me, wandering the Girls section at walmart and curling your nose at all the pink and purples around you, it can be a little bit challenging to walk happily into the men's section.

    At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet.
    Boxers.
    I'd spent years suffering the annoyance of women's underwear, never finding anything that I found comfortable and enjoyable. Plus all those annoying, girly patterns irked me so bad!
    So when I finally decided enough was enough and went to get my first pair of boxers, I was as excited as I was to get my driver's permit. What I grabbed (And I recommend highly) is cotton "Fruit of the Loom" boxer briefs with the "No ride up" legs. They've been a miracle in my life, and I've never been so comfortable ever. And finally...NO GIRLY PATTERNS!!!
    Love em. They cost me about 13.00$ at Walmart, which really isnt that bad when you consider that you get about eight of them, and it's slightly more than womens underwear but.....oh the comfort....
    For any first-timers of FTM, I would recommend doing this ALONE.
    You're going to be nervous and excited, and nothing kills that like someone staring over your shoulder.

    Next thing I ditched were womens jeans. SO FRUSTRATING! All the womens jeans fit weird, and they hugged you like spandex, or were stretchy with no cargo pockets;.....ugh.
    Plus, again, those damn patterns >.< Why put designs on my butt?!
    So, going ALONE again, I wandered to the men's. First of all, the sizings are VERY VERY different. Not only in the fact that they're made different, but they're labelled a lot different. Because as it happens, men are a lot less picky on fitting than women
    I greatly recommend taking like four or five pair to the changing room and seeing what you like, fit-wise. It took me about four tries before finding a pair I liked. But I never felt more confident than I did when I ditched my ladies' pants. HALLELUJAH!

    Finally, shirts.
    This one is something I've had difficulty with. I've learned right off the bat that Binders/Compression shirts under T-shirts....they just dont cut it. You can still see your 'lumps' and tshirts hide absolutely NOTHING from the public eye. Sweaters are great, yeah. Hoodies are my thing. I have a bright yellow hoody with a label on the breast/chest of it and it sort of draws the attention away from my chest a little. But in the summer, I just CANT STAND IT. Way too hot!!
    So with some exploring and experimenting, I have discovered the best thing for FTMs is PATTERNS.
    Distracting patterns are the best thing to hide away your chest, I've found. My favorite so far has been plaid patterns. Dark red and black are my favorites, and they hide my chest fairly well if I slouch a little (which is kinda guy-attitude anyway. dont be afraid to slouch a little, only chicks have pinstraight backs all the time )
    Not only are the patterns cool for hiding things, but usually the shortsleeve or longsleeve plaid (Button up ones are best!) shirts can come in A LOT of different colors, and can be either very thin for summer or the thicker ones for wintertime. They're really versatile.

    Jewelry.
    I personally dont wear jewelry (aside from a necklace from my boyfriend, but it hides under my shirts because it is kinda girly) because of an allergy to silver, and white gold is so darn expensive.
    But in terms of jewelry for FTMs, you want to keep it kind of to a minimum. Necklaces are alright to an extent, but nothing super flashy and "Look at me!"
    Rings, limited. Nothing with a ton of designs or petite ones with the stones on them.
    Earrings....well that's sort of obvious. Guys dont usually wear them, and if they do, its just earring studs. Nothing flashy.
    Wristbands are alright, watches are cool, and some people even tend to put those chains from their belts to their wallets. Those are "okay" but sort of fallen out of style, just FYI.
    Shoes are pretty obvious. You dont want to be running around in pink sneakers or high heels.

    Most importantly:
    BE COMFORTABLE!!
    If you're not comfortable in what you're wearing, DONT WEAR IT. You shouldnt have to change your sense of comfort just so you can fit in. The whole point is to feel like yourself, not like you're trying to fit the image of someone else. There are very feminine (some ppl call them 'The Gay Transguys'? From what I was told, dont quote me on that) FTMs who still are very much in touch with their 'girly' side, and that's totally cool!
    Me personally, I'm more of the punk/emo/nerdy guy, so I like the bare basics and nothing over masculine.
    I'm comfortable in my plaid, jeans, and converse sneakers or steel toe work boots. It's different for everyone, I'm just giving out some pointers and hoping to give you some ideas!

    NOW.......BINDERS.
    I'm still struggling with this one, as I'm very new to the scene. BUT.....wrapping yourself in ducttape, ace bandage, or the stretchy bandages...is NOT okay. I know, I really do. You want to hide it, hell some times you want to just cut them off for good despite the pain. But trust me...this is not the way to go. I tried the bandages, and believe me when I say, they hurt. They rub, they leave rashes, they limit your breathing, theyre hot and hold in sweat. Not only that but they are HIGHLY WORTHLESS in terms of actually staying where you need them. Dont even bother.
    Ducttape will rip your skin, leave rashes, damage your ribs, etc. It's even worse than the bandage.

    I know, believe me, I do. That buying something while you're still 'keeping quiet' is NOT easy, and its almost embarrassing. BUT....here's what I did. First, I started out with a website called Underworks. This is what I bought: http://www.underworks.com/cotton-concealer-chest-binder
    I have to say that this product is....'Okay'. It's not what I was originally 'supposed' to buy and isnt really a binder. Like I said, I'm a beginner in this too, so I werent sure what I was even buying.
    But I told my boyfriend I wanted it to help with my backpain, which was a lie, yes, but it worked.
    It does the job well enough, I guess. Better than a Bra anyway!
    It wasnt really cutting it and I was losing weight, so I took another step.
    Compression tank.
    https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/mens-heatgear-sonic-compression-sleeveless/pid1236226-400
    That's what I bought, and I wear that OVER the other top. I know it's NOT a binder, but it works well enough, for now.
    Originally I were wearing it UNDER the other shirt, but it would rub on my underarms and the other shirt would ride up and slip up over my chest, and not work at all. Since I've switched them around, it's worked a lot better. I have both shirts in black, because the white ones are sort of see through when you put them on.
    Not only is the underarmour a good company with great quality stuff, but some (if not most) of their products are HEAT SHEILDED. Meaning all that sweat you get under your shirts will be whisked away, and you'll be left nice and cool instead of melting. This will GREATLY help you avoid getting heat rashes under your clothes.

    That's all I got right now, and this has turned out a LOT longer than I thought it would be
    Oh well I hope I were of SOME help!
    -Warren
  5. WarrenG
    Dysphoria was hitting hard today. Has been for the past few days, actually.
    Although today while I were at the store, someone in the line behind me called me Sir which was awesome. But it was too hard to enjoy it when I were in pain. I refuse to go anywhere anymore because it hurts...I cant wear my binder anymore. My chest size has AGAIN gone up. Bumping me from a DD to a DDD size. I'll admit, its soul crushing. It made me want to curl up in a ball and cry until it eventually killed me. It hurts....the weight, the binding, my ribs...It just hurts so much. And there's nothing I can do about it. It hurts not only emotionally but physically, more than I could possibly express. My ribs ache like never before, and going to my doctor about it was only a punch in the gut. "Only thing I can suggest is stop binding. There's nothing else I can do to help other than your muscle relaxant meds I gave you..." she said. I dont hate her for it, she's doing what she can. But there's only so much she CAN do.
    On top of that, its fourth of July. But here I sit, home by myself, because my boyfriend went with his family to the family BBQ...which I cannot attend without a fight breaking out about me being transgender being a cry for attention. His sister-in-law even had the balls enough to message him with "im here if you ever need to talk about it". Like...really!? Thanks, I know he would appreciate talking to someone now and then, but what about me!? The person the family is shunning!?!?!?
    I want my surgery....I want it so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. No loans I can take out I can afford to pay off. They all want 300$ minimum for monthly payments, and I'm lucky to have 20$ in my pocket. I found a place where I can get it dont for 4500$ instead of the 9000$ but its all the way in the bottom of the country. I cant do that....Everything I want or need is so far out of my reach that it just makes me want to curl up and say **** the ****ing world, I'm done.
    I cant even bind anymore. And I cant afford a new binder. Even if I could..it hurts......so wtf is the point.......
    Only good news is if I change my VT birth certificate to Male, all of NH's documents has to honor that and change things to Male. But, again....what the **** is the point when I'm got DDD breasts that I can no longer hide? Feels like I'm slowly mentally killing myself here....And there's nothing I can do about it.
     
    Warren
  6. WarrenG

    Encouragement Moment

    By WarrenG,

    Everyone should have a 'transition song'.
    I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating.
    "Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics.
    "We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes."
    It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you!
    I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times.
    Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up.

    I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song.
    One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it.
    And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest.
    A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it.

    Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person.
    I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight.
    I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night.
    I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment.
    That was almost a year ago.
    I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work.
    Happiness.
    Comfort.
    That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin.
    And that all came from one simple thing. Truth.
    Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE.
    Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty.
    Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like.

    I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren.
    Point is…be you.
    I know that sounds corny but it’s true.
    BE TRUE TO YOU.
    A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.”
    No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said.

    So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”.
    You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands!
    Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant!

    Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really.
    You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it!
    Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable!
    Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!!
    That’s….perfect….
    It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU..
    Don’t bow down to society.
    You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk.
    But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit.
    It’s worth it.

    It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it.
    I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup.
    Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable.
    I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see.
    All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man.
    Worth it.
    I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots.
    I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME.
    Warren.
    Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement.
    We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation.
    Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat.
    Why not get judged for something that matters?

    This matters to me.
    Being myself.
    Being happy.
    And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that….
    “We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes”
    Kristy is my faded silhouette.
    She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more.
    She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn.
    She became Warren.
    Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on.
    Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is.
    HE is HIMSELF.

    And you are too, but only if you let yourself be.
    You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows.

    Be who you are.
    I cant say it enough, I really cant.
    You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed.
    In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to.
    If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it.
    Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
    Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers.
    Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt.
    Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy!
    Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit.
    Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty.
    It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end.
    A real smile.
    A true smile.
    One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had.

    Be you.
    No one else can do it for you.
    Warren
  7. WarrenG
    Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes.
    For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on.
    Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know that I'm stuck as everyone sees me.
    Then there's my angry days. Days when every second, every reminder, every person talking to absolutely PISSES me off! Nothing is safe from my fury. I have bruised my chest and face on these days, when I am so angry that I escape all rational thought and just want them Gone. Want ALL of it...just...gone.
    These days hit at random, and I cannot tell you "It'll be okay" because at the times they hit, it sure as hell doesnt feel like its going to be okay. Either you want to disappear, cry til you die, or simply strangle the hell out of every person you see.
    Someone once told me that because I'm a transman, that's why I get so angry all the time. Imaginary Testosterone in me 0.o But I think they were just trying to make me feel better. Doesnt really seem possible, I dont think.

    This morning as I was doing my daily exercise routine, it hit me like a brick. Just a sudden wave of hopeless depression. Lifting weights, doing situps, doing pushups...what am I doing all this for? To shrink my bust size? Doesnt seem to do much...To strengthen my arms and bulk them up to look more masculine? Maybe, but it seems failed.
    I ache all day in my shoulders and back from exercising before work, and for what?
    I was finishing up my pushups when I couldnt do any more, and just laid there on the floor holding my head, trying not to emotionally lose it.
    Why does transitioning have to be so hard? Why cant we just wake up, say "I'm done with you gender, I'm being me now, damit!" and just POOF into what we truely are?
    Why do we have to jump through so many damn hoops, try to endure the agony of judgement, and hide in the shadows until society deems us worthy to spread our wings?
    It's not fair. When I was younger, I used to CONSTANTLY ask myself "What did I do in a past life that was so agonizingly horrible, that I would be reborn in the WRONG BODY!? What did I do to deserve this?!"
    Waking up and getting angry at your reflection. Wanting to do things, only to have your family or friends say "______s dont do that. You're a _____, you're not supposed to do that."
    SAYS WHO!? Is there an unwritten book of law about gender roles?! Who ever wrote the book to say girls cant shoot guns, drive fast cars, or dress like men? Who wrote the book to say that men cant wear a dress, look pretty in makeup, play with dolls or get excited about the latest heels?

    I want to know who wrote that book. And I want to shove their face into a bowl of lemon juice and strap it there! How could the world be so unfair....
    Yet....we endure...dont we?
    We shine the brightest we can shine. We raise our chins high and walk where we need to go, regardless of the pointed fingers and staring eyes. We put on our boots or heels, do our hair, and endure the judgement of the world.
    We mask the pain, put on our stone cold masks of smiles and grins, while deep inside we're melting away like hot wax. The things we endure...just to be ourselves.

    So I got up off that floor, brushed myself off, and took a breath. I put in my headphones, and turned to my favorite song. Growling to myself, I straightened my shoulders, and I punched that floor. I punched it so hard, my knuckle cracked and my fingers swelled. I got back on my knees and fists, and I kept going with the pushups. I kept sweating on that floor, I kept giving my ipod a deathstare below me. Why? Because I have to.
    We have to.
    We have to be stronger than those staring eyes. We have to be more persistent than those pointed fingers. We have to be braver than the words they speak. We have to be proud. We have to be..us.
    What else could we possibly do aside from hide in the shadows?
    That will get us nothing but darkness and snickering smirks from the world around us.
    I'm done playing pretend.
    I'm done playing dressup.
    You dont like who I am, you'll just have to find something else to jeer at. Because I dont care anymore.
    Kristy is down the drain. I shoved her down that pipe and I turned on the food grinder.
    She's dead.
    Warren is taking her place, and cutting her hair away. Her waist long hair doesnt exist. Her pretty little red sneakers are in the trash. Her flowing blouses are Warren's rags to wipe his hands on while working on his jeep. Because damnit he likes working on his car, and no one can tell him no anymore.

    Warren

    P.S.
    Song is Silhouettes by Avicii...You should REALLY REALLY look up the music video.

    That and Ruby Rose's video for Break Free
    Plus basically ANYTHING from Adam Lambert is amazing
  8. WarrenG

    Family Drama

    By WarrenG,

    So, my mother doesnt call me, and that is completely fine with me! I do not have contact with my older sister either. And when my younger sibling (Changed their name to Kai apparently which is fine with me. Theyre pretty sure theyre FTM as well but I'm respectful at the fact that they've decided not to make perminate choices on the matter until they are POSITIVE theyre transgender. I GREATLY respect them for that!!) has asked me if they can come down to hang out again at some point. I told them that I have no problem with that, but when I come to pick them up, I'll meet them at the end of the driveway. I want nothing to do with my mother. And I've decided that if my mother refuses to call me Warren OR Ren, I'll no longer call her Mom. I'll call her Alene, either she likes it or not.
    So today, there was a post on a friend's page about Trump. I was not aware she was friends with my older sister....until this happened.




     
    Me, feeling bad it was on my friends' post, Messaged her apologizing for what was said on her post. To my relief, she responded with "Its OK Amanda is the 1 to b apologizing. Well don't sweat it I'm home n can get to my computer she's about to get hers." Which was kinda nice I think.
     
    Warren
     
     
    UPDATE:
    She removed the Post, then Posted this:


     
  9. WarrenG
    After several days of torment, several attempts not to harm myself, and several agonizing hours of enduring the silent remarks of those around me.....I finally had a tollerable night.
    Nothing too chaotic happened, really.
    My binders actually behaved today. I got up on time, did my exercise, and got to work on time.
    One of my co-workers actually has caught herself and is trying hard to make it a habit not to call me by any nickname feminine. She's really trying, though she messes up now and then, I forgive her.
    I just have to be patient with her, I know its not easy for her to cap that habit.

    Though I broke my new ipod yesterday, I thankfully still had my hands on my old ipod. Though the screen is cracked and its not in the best of shape, it still works, and I were still able to have my music and such with me all day.
    I took my meds on time, which is a rare triumph for me. I'm not on any form of medication for my transition, yet. But if/when I start them, I would like to have my other medications under control, so I NEED to get into the habit of doing things ON TIME. It's taking some time to actually get in the habit of it.
    I expressed to one of my online/texting friends (who is an MTF) that my shoulders/back were sooooooo sore from working out and lifting things at work, so she gave me some advice, and good golly do I owe her!
    She calls it "Shower Yoga"
    It's not as bad as it sounds XD I promise!

    Shower Yoga:
    You do your normal showering routine, such as scrubbing and washing your hair and whatnot. I do my normal "Stand here and let the world wash off me" in the hot water for a while. It helps relax my troubled mind, just to stand under the water and let myself relax and breathe. It's helped A LOT in my self harm recovery, and I highly recommend it.
    After cleaning up and doing your thing, you start your yoga
    First stretch you do is grab your knee and lift it as high as you can, pulling it against your chest. Do this with each knee. You can totally feel it stretch out the muscles on the front of your thighs!
    After that, you bend yourself completely in half and grab your ankles, relax your back and just pull, and let your shoulders and spine stretch out.
    Then grab your ankle and pull it upward like you're sitting indian style, one leg at a time, as high as you can and hold it there for a minute at waist level (if you can)
    After you do both legs, set yourself down on your knees in the shower and lay forward over them, stretching your arms out over your head and towards the faucet. Stay there a moment before arching your back backwards and reaching behind yourself with both arms, stretching your shoulders.

    Next one is to stay seated in the tub/shower, but turn your waist-and-up around and twist to set your hands on the shower area behind you. This will let your spine twist gently and pop it if needed.
    Then you stand up, arching each arm over your head and tipping like a teapot, each arm done.
    Then my favorite:
    Arch your arms up like you're showing off your muscles, but bend both arms (while still in the L position) backwards like you're squishing your shoulder blades together. Hold for a moment, then fold them in front of your chest and bend from the waist up downwards and let the hot water go over your back and waist. Relax, shake it off, and repeat at random if you'd like.
    Throw in some random stretches you're familiar with or feel the need to try!

    My back popped, shoulders, neck, arms, knees, hips, and ankles all popped and the muscles relaxed like crazy.
    You finish off by rinsing off in much cooler water (not ice cold) but do not start from your head. Start at your feet and work your way up, cooling off your body from the stretching and closing your pores.
    I feel soooooo much more relaxed and my muscles love me so much right now XD
    Try it out!
    Huge stress reliever!
    Warren
  10. WarrenG
    So today was my first day of therapy EVER, and it goes without saying that I were a nervous wreck. I got up much earlier than I even needed to, and wandered around the house like a bored lunatic.
    When I finally decided to leave and went as slowly as I were comfortable, just killing time and cruising along, I still showed up at the office a little more than half hour early.
    Signed in, no problem.
    So I was sitting there for a while and the secretary comes over and sits next to me.
    "I overlooked your paperwork." she said. Overlooked my paperwork?
    "I just now realized your dysphoria part of the paperwork. Do you mind if I switch your doctor last minute? I think you'd be more comfortable with a different one".
    Uh...sure? How the hell should I know, I havent met any of them
    So, they switched my therapist. No worries.

    The woman was actually very nice, and somehow I found it very easy to talk to her. She actually GREATLY resembles an elderly (though shes younger lol) woman I used to care for. It's almost incredible how much they look alike, though several years apart.
    Before I even realized what was going on, she had gotten me talking, and it was actually pretty easy to spill my guts a bit.
    She then told me "I'm not really supposed to reveal my own personal life with you, but my daughter is actually one of the leaders of a LGTB community". Awesome! EUREKA, someone who knows a little of what I'm tryin' to talk about!!
    So, you guys were right and I feel dumb for stressing about it so much, but it wasnt THAT bad.
    I actually like her, and was surprised that I actually felt a little better when I left today. Lighter.
    Stronger.
    Getting that tiny bit off my chest felt so much better...
    She wants to see me every week, and hopefully I can financially do it. I'm not sure if I'll get an after-bill from my insurance company since I have to do a 20$ copay. Hopefully not, because I wouldnt be able to afford to do it very often. Fingers crossed!

    I'm thinking of talking to her about maybe getting a little piece of paper for her to just scribble her name on so I can give it to my mom, to prove to her that I'm seeing someone for my "issues" and ITS NOT A DAMN PHASE!!!!!
    Even the woman (I feel horrible for not knowing her name! I forgot already!) said it doesnt sound like just a phase to her. Thank god, I'm not crazy!!


    LATER TONIGHT: I decided in celebration of not losing my mind, I would go buy a 6-pack of my favorite drink, Mike's Hard Blood Orange. Usually one, and I'm done anyway. I dont go all out on it, BUT the drinks are seasonal unfortunatly, so I have to wait all year to get them (Half thought of maybe buying a few 6packs and storing them over winter for me to enjoy until they come out again! Will write the company about keeping them year round.)
    Anyway, I got my merchandise and some tonic water for the bf, and headed to the check out. Things were going good, I werent really paying attention because I simply just wanted to go home and play some Minecraft with my booooze (lol) and the girl asked for my I.D.
    No big deal, I know I'm twenty two, I'm allowed to buy it.
    So I handed it over.
    She looked at it, and arched an eyebrow....and didnt hand it back.
    She kept looking at it, and looked confused.
    "This is your I.D. or a sibling?" she asked of me. Uh....huh?
    The girl claimed I looked nothing like the girl on the I.D. and didnt believe that it were mine. So she called the manager, withheld my I.D., and waited for him to show up.
    WHAT!?

    Manager shows up, and agrees with her So I had to hand over two other forms of I.D. with my name on it so that they could make sure it was a legit I.D., and I was on my way with the suggestion that I should get a new photo done.
    Actually his words are "If you're going to change genders, change photos. It's inconvienant for both you and us."
    >.>
    Granted, the picture really is a bit different from me right now. But still.....that was rude.
    So I took my damn drinks and booked it.
    I just finished my second one and you know what? Life is pretty peachy at the moment. I'm not drunk, thats for sure. These are only like 5% alcohol. But its nice to finally relax. I dont feel so alone on this, because I know that on tuesday, I can go and drop some more of my boulder-sized worries on my therapist.
    Thanks for all the support, you guys make me smile when I'm frowning and pick me up when I'm tripping on my own two feet.
    I'm so glad I found Transgender Guide, it's made life so much more tollerable.
    I dare say enjoyable.
    Warren
  11. WarrenG

    Firsts

    By WarrenG,

    So this is my first time with this...First time even blogging, actually. At the current moment I am several hours overdue to go to bed before a trip back north to see my mother, and perhaps this is why I have finally convinced myself to perhaps seek some guidance and support from others 'like me'. I say that as if I'm damaged cans at a grocery store..that's rather shameful I suppose.
    So, a little about myself I guess? I'm 22 years old, I love horseback riding and enjoy writing in my own books, IMVU, and cooking. Oh yeah, and I'm transgendered? I think. I'm not entirely sure what you would consider it yet.
    I were born genetically female, but always knew I werent. I remember the first vivid time when I realized it was what I wanted and needed, I were probably 6 or 7. That was the first time I realized that there was something strange going on, and wondered 'what if I magically just POOF turned into a boy?'. I got excited to that notion. Till I were informed that it were impossible.

    I went several years denying myself the possibility until I discovered that yes, it IS possible to change myself to suit how I saw myself. I were so excited, but my family were not the sort of people I felt comfortable talking to about it. So I kept it bottled up, sending subtle and ignored hints. Soon after I decided to do something about it, I met my boyfriend, now of four years. I did not tell him about my intentions or thoughts, hoping that perhaps actual dating would cause these feelings to go away. Like a phase, perhaps. But they didnt. They got worse, and I finally broke down and told him.
    He's accepting, and is trying to understand and help me. But I see the look in his eyes....

    I'm now drowning in antidepressants and meds for my anxiety disorder, yet still have found myself miserable. I avoid mirrors, cringe when people call me by my born gender, and curl up in a corner when I realize that I have no way of fixing it yet. I cannot start a transition on the outside because not only do I have no idea where to start, but who do I turn to? I finally told my doctor, and she has been kind about it, and has tried to look for someone to help me out. But, I have to wait. She said it could be until the end of the year before I even hear anything.....this is agonizing. Is it possible to absolutely despise your appearance so badly that you imagine changing it yourself even if it could be life threatening?
    I've had several days where I've wanted to find a sharp enough knife, and "take care" of my "problem" areas. But, for natural and sane reasons, this has never gone farther than rather gross mental images.

    I'm at a loss. I dont know where to turn. I have one transgendered friend, but she is across the country, and though i greatly value her opinions and support, its slightly different. I seek help from a fellow FTM, and she's MTF. So sometimes I fear that what she knows is going to be the opposite of what I actually need.
    Anyway, I'm rambling now. Guess thats what happens when you decide to blog at 2o'clock in the morning
    -Warren
  12. WarrenG

    Friend Issues

    By WarrenG,

    So, I'm kind of at a loss and need some advice or something, though I'm sure others here have way bigger issues than I do right now.
    I have a friend whom I have been friends with for just over a year. In the beginning, we were great friends and she helped me out a lot with my transition and acceptance and etc. But ever since my downward spiral, it's gotten.....weird.
    Originally, we'd planned that I would fly out to her state and hang out for a week (mind you, I'm on the east coast and shes all the way on the west). I admitted that I werent completely comfortable flying (due to anxiety and claustrophobia and never having flown before) so I'd probably have my boyfriend come with me. She expressed that she didnt like the idea, would feel like a third wheel, and I would not be allowed to stay at her house and would need to find my own transportation and hotel. Ouch.

    During this time, I hit a horrible depression and was deep deep into self harm and whatnot, and I just could not handle drama so I told her I needed to step away. At which point I had deactivated my facebook. THE NEXT DAY she's messaging almost all my friends to 'go check on me' and making them think that I had killed myself. WTF!? I woke up to 30 messages from frantic people thinking I was dead. Geez, thanks. That helps the stress level squint emoticon  She's constantly reminding me that she's still planning for me to come out west, Or she will come to my state instead which I'm not comfortable with. Everyone I talk to about my issues with her say she sounds like a jealous girlfriend. Meanwhile she always complains that she misses 'the old you' (meaning texting every day, happy, jolly, fake-love and happiness 24/7 which was all an act to make her think i was fine) and that I dont seem to care about her things anymore. And let's be honest here, I'm SICK AND TIRED of CONSTANTLY hearing 'im fat. I'm ugly. No one wants me. No guy will ever date me. I'm stupid. I'm fugly'. And there are only so many times I can say "no you're not, dont say that" before I just dont fucking care to respond anymore. I know that's sort of asshole-ish of me but ffs....it gets really really old. Every single time we talk, to me, it feels like we're fighting. But she insists we're not fighting, we're 'talking'. >.> omfg......I make a post complaining about drama and that I was going to bed, and she sends a message going 'didnt realize I was causing the drama.....". BI***, DID I SAY YOUR NAME?! DID I TAG YOU IN IT!? NO! SUCK IT UP, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU.
    And when I mention that the constant self pity and whining and crap gets old and that's why I dont respond much anymore (because she gets pissy when I go quiet and so she leaves the convo) she then throws my depression-inflicted complaints back in my face. I cannot help but feel slightly depressed, stressed and aggrivated after ever convo we have. I just......I dont know what to do. I've tried to break it off but she goes bonkers and cries and tells everyone I hate her and goes into a depressive funk until her sister messages me and begs me to talk to her because she starts "crying every night". Idk wtf to do....she still calls me her brother and crap and idk how to confront the situation. 
    On top of that--when I asked her "just to be clear...you only think of me as a brother right?" and she responds with "um........yes". Which to me doesnt sound convincing. Which she follows up with "Can I ask a question? Do you think I'd be good girlfriend material?" o.e like.....what? What in the what---I just--cant---process.....
    Halp......
     
    I've been warned that she's a stalker in the making but I know she's not. She is not a stalker by any means, and is 100000% incapable of harming me or anyone, and I'm NOT worried about her ever being anything situational. Dont get me wrong, I love her. Love her like crazy as a sister, and I care about her. But I just cannot take the stress anymore....I dont know what to do. In the back of my mind I know that she is 100% straight and KNOWS that I'm female from the waist down, so I shouldnt worry about her having a hidden crush on me or something. But some days I really legit' wonder if that's true or not. I dont want to hurt her feelings, anymore than I already have. But it seems like I'm hurting her ever single time we talk.
     
    She does this "acting" thing where she will act out a non-existant part in a tv show. The 'character' has a name, background, etc. Which normally would be harmless. I mean, hell, I 'act' when I'm thinking up scenes for my books but it's only facial expressions, talking to myself in-character and whatnot. She's legit throwing herself around the livingroom as if in a fight scene and actually getting hurt doing it. She's messaged several times about having cut her foot on something or banged her arm or hit her head on something while "acting". Frankly I'm concerned, but she sees no harm in it. I want her to see a therapist and talk to someone but she refuses. I dont know what to do, guys....
     
    Frustrated and At wit's end,
    Warren
  13. WarrenG

    Frustrated but hopeful

    By WarrenG,

    I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely frustrated.
    Maybe from not taking my meds last night, maybe from being tired, maybe even from just being restless.
    I'm so frustrated at the moment that I could just scream and start a fist fight.
    This whole month has been one big bowl of rotten, festering cherries in my face.
    First I had that fight with my sister, who has now decided that I'm a bad influence around my nieces, therefore she doesnt want me around them so long as I'm going to be warren, not kristy.
    That's the first straw.
    Then, the whole "You cant change your work nametag until you change your name legally". The constant judgement and attitude from my head chef and then the HR lady (who confessed to someone else that the only reason shes being a b**** to me is because she thinks I'm hurting my bf by changing. Give me a f***ing break. So you're a b**** to me instead? Thanks a lot!)
    That got extremely old, Extremely fast.
    Then, while getting ready to leave for my hour long session of b****ing to my therapist, BOOM, CRASH, SNAP!
    Down I go. Severely sprained ankle, bruises of purple, black and green all over. Later found out I'd also cracked my shin bone, which they can do literally nothing for but let it heal.

    THEN I had the lovely embrace of that bastard they call the FLU. Jeez, thanks for that. Coughing and hacking so hard it'd force me to vomit, my head aching, my skin crawling with either sweat or shivers. That was a lovely time.....not! Then I were slapped with the extra detail that I cannot take any form of cough medicine because it counteracts with my lexapro/anti-depressant. Wow, really? Thanks a whole heaping lot! So the docs advice? Deal with it.

    I had attempted EIGHT TIMES to get to the city and pay the courts a visit to officially change my name. EIGHT F***ING TIMES. Blizzard, car breaks, storms, storms, more storms, and 3 feet of snow in one fall. Finally, on the nineth time, I told my boyfriend ahead of time that I dont give a flying **** what the weather looked like. I was going.
    So a one hour ride took me almost three. Doing 10mph on the interstate because it's backed up with traffic from severe weather, snow piling up everywhere, cars crashing left and right from idiot drivers not paying attention.
    The whole ride I kept reminding myself "its just testing you. how badly do you want to be warren?"
    So I kept going.
    FINALLY I got to the courthouse, after fighting a map to figure out where I was going.
    But it wasnt the right place. They sent me to the wrong one.
    "You need probate court".
    Fine. Give me directions. Drive another ten minutes. This is probationary court. Are you under probation? No? You need THAT courthouse.
    Another ten minutes.
    And another. Another courthouse, another ten minutes, another courthouse.
    By this time I had visited over seven courthouses and been told I were in the wrong one.
    It got to the point where I'd refuse to empty my pockets (as Id had to do for every courthouse) or go through the metal detectors. I'd ask the officers right at the door "can I change my name here? No? Bye."
    I'd lost my patience. Then, after being stuck for 20 minutes at a broken streetlight that rotated turns six times before letting my lane go, I finally reached the actual courthouse that I needed to be at.

    By this time I were going to be late for work, despite leaving at 6am and not needing to work until noon.
    FINALLY I handed over the paperwork, paid the 120$, and was informed of a letter I'd get in the mail in about 5 weeks about a court date. Come and talk to a judge, and I'm legally Warren.
    So, I felt a little better. But then I was late for work and had to move my a**.

    At which point my car breaks down. It shuts off going down a highway, stalls, wont shift....so I sit on the side of the road for about an hour before it actually moves and gets me to work.
    I get to work, no problem, when I realize one of the other girls' nametag. Moo.
    Moo!? Seriously?! I'm not allowed to get my name tag changed to Warren unless I legally change my name, but she can get MOO!? DID SHE LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO MOO!? I DONT F***ING THINK SO!!!
    So, trying to keep my cool, I spotted the manager (theres several of them, and they constantly butt heads. This one is named Mike H. Normally I hate him.)
    He was messing with a can opener that my section were given but done use, due to the fact that it literally SHREDS the cans and I deemed it unsafe.
    I happened to ask him at which point I can get my tags changed, since I had to wait for the paperwork from the court. He seemed confused, arching a brow at me.
    I explained to him that I am transgendered, and want my name tag changed, but was told I couldnt until I legally changed my name. Which I had officially done, but was waiting for my paperwork.
    Of course I also mentioned "Moo".

    He seemed confused. "Who told you that you couldnt?" he asked. I explained, and he became furious. Mike H. is very supportive of diversity with homosexuality, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. The school that I work in PRIDES itself on their openness and support to the LGBT. Yet...clearly under his nose the whole time, was judgement and descrimination towards me because I'm transgender. He FLIPPED. A LID.
    He swore to get to the bottom of it, get my nametag, and take care of the problem. He did as he said. I have my nametag, I have his oath of support, and he even informed me that if ANYONE says ANYTHING against my situation, to tell him immediatly and he'll 'take care of it'.
    So on one small note, it was a very good day.
    He insists on calling me Warren, and he has no problem remembering it. He says it a little more than needed, perhaps to make me feel confident or perhaps just to remind himself of it so he doesnt slip up. But nevertheless, it's improved.

    I'm going to leave this ranting, raging, venting blog here, on a good note.
    My name change is official. I'm waiting on the judge and my paperwork, and I'm officially Warren.
    Kristy will be a name of the past.
    My job has officially been kicked square in the a**, and I can walk around being known as Warren, and legit be able to tell people "name tag says Warren. I had a name change, please dont call me kristy".
    Now.....to tell the boyfriends parents....hrm.
    OFFICIALLY YOURS,
    Warren
  14. WarrenG

    Gender Equality Rant

    By WarrenG,

    Gender Equality is such an issue here in the USA. frown emoticon
     I hadnt realized how bad it was until I stopped and thought about it, especially knowing that I've been a victim to it first hand. For example: I worked FULL TIME as a chef doing over 46hrs a week at 10.50$ an hr when I was legally registered as FEMALE. After changing my gender to MALE, I also changed my job. I now work as security, part time, doing about 30ish hrs a week at 11.80$ an hr squint emoticon
     like, wtf?
    On top of that, I got the job as a chef WITH credentials. My Servesafe certification, past experience, AND Culinary Schooling. I were hired at a base of 10$ an hr. They changed my job titles 8 times to worse and worse parts of the kitchen because I didnt flirt with my boss, show off my chest like the other girls, or suck up to the boys. I stood up for myself, stood my ground, and demanded not to be treated "Like a girl" when it came to tasks. This obviously annoyed managment that I didnt simmer down and do what they wanted.
    Other people had been hired AFTER myself with NO experience, NO training, and I started to notice a pattern. PRETTY (flamboyant, flirtatious, make up wearing, prissy girls) girls got about 11.50$ an hr, men got 12.50-14.00$ an hr.
    A shy, reserved, transgender guy? 2-4$ less than anyone else >.>squint emoticon
    I am SOOOO GLAD I changed jobs and told them to shove it!!! It happened after I was being severely bullied by management and mocked and written up for doing things wrong when I hadnt. When I complained, I was told to stop pointing fingers because "The problem isnt the job or the people. The problem is YOU". Legit quote there from the head manager squint emoticon  Now I work night shift, AWAY from most people, with an AMAZING work crew who knows I'm transgender and respects that! They use my correct name, use the correct pronouns, and correct themselves if they mess up accidentally. My boss is beyond amazing and is extremely patient with me
    (Because of my dyslexia, ADHD, Bipolar and other issues, it's hard for me to learn things quickly or to take verbal instructions. I ask the same questions repeatidly but she never faulters to answer me anyway, no matter how much I ask. If I mess up on something, she'll walk me through it herself to make sure I've got it and am doing it the right way. Instead of jumping up and going "no, you do it this way", she'll stop and give me an amused smile until I realize I messed something up, wait for me to figure it out and fix it, THEN says something)
    I couldnt possibly ask for a better place to work. I even mentioned to her that I'm trying to get my surgery approved and that I'll need 2 weeks off work, and she immediately agreed and said we'll find a way to make it work.
    There ARE jobs out there for people like me and my siblings.
    We just have to find them.
    Sadly that means shifting through the shit jobs to get to them  
     
    As a side note, despite Justin and I agreeing that we do not want to have biological children of our own, I cant help but think we already have a child. A late night of breakdowns from stress and surgery hopes was soon soothed by my amazing fur baby Gabriel <3 He's always there when I need him.
     
    frown emoticon
     
    Ren
  15. WarrenG

    Halloween!

    By WarrenG,

    So halloween went epic as ever
    One of the challenges I faced as a (attempting) FTM is costumes...Sadly many costumes are gender based or seperated. Originally I were trying to go for the werewolf look, but it turned out to be a zombie from The Walking Dead. Either one was fine with me

    I was one of the only ones who dressed up at work, and must say that I put the most work into mine.
    One person was a Professor from Hogwarts and she looked really cool, another was a nurse, and the head manager as an RN. The two deli girls were "Deli Witches" which looked really awesome
    Then there was me lol First time I've actually had people take pictures of me.

    I went with a plain plaid button up shirt, with my compression shirt and such underneath, which actually worked perfectly. Loved it. Jeans, of course, for my pants. And my steel toe boots
    In all, it was pretty much GenderLess. And I liked it
    When it comes to costumes and being transgendered or whatever, you just have to be comfortable.
    It doesnt matter what other people think about it, you're supposed to be having fun!
    It was refreshing to have some fun at work and not have to worry about all the B.S. that I've had to deal with lately.
    When one of the other guys showed up for work (A student from Israel, hes a bit new to Halloween and LOVES IT) he was a bit disappointed, not knowing that he could have dressed up for the night.
    Thankfully, for whatever reason, I had taken all my makeup and fake blood to work with me.
    When I told him that I'd turn him into a zombie, he got so excited!
    And I gotta say, his face makeup almost looked better than mine
    I was so happy for him lol he loved it! He walked around all night playing zombie to his friends. I think I created another Halloween Fanatic!

    At the end of the night, he were talking about wanting to go to a Halloween party later that night with his new getup, so I gave him my bottle of fake blood to touch up his look later as he needed as long as he gave it back on monday. Not like I were going to use it anyway
    So I left with a backpack full of cupcakes (mint, orange and strawberry) and a TON of snickers, milkyway, twix, kitkats, reeses and pixie sticks. So much for my diet
    The zombies were having fun, the parties had just begun, but I had to head home. Nevertheless, it was a graveyard smash

    I love halloween....Makes me feel so much better.
    Groaning and Moaning my Zombie tush to my room to chill out,
    -Warren
  16. WarrenG
    So after some prompting from the boyfriend (Really wasnt in the mood due to the news in the previous blog) I decided to get off my butt and dress up for halloween. I had to work this halloween which is fine because I love to see all the costumes and knew it would cheer me up somehow. He let me use him as my first victim before getting myself ready.
    Here's the Results:
    Justin as a skeleton thingie (first time Ive ever face painted someone)

     
    And me, A zombie Police officer, intended in reference to Walking Dead style. Though someone accused me of making a joke for Police Brutality, in which case I was wishing to demonstrate Police Brutality on his dumbass.
    Zombie Ren


     
    So, yeah. Halloween.
    Plus I think I got flirted with.
    The (obviously gay) gas station attendant that I see all the time (its where I have to refuel the company Jeep) complimented me on my costume and even did a whole lean-back-smile-and-nod with a "mmmmmhmmmm, damn" comment. Said it was the best costume he'd seen all night and gave me pieces of his personal stash of candy 0.o Well, okay lol thank you?
    Anyways, yeah.
    If it's not bloody, its not fun.
    Warren
  17. WarrenG
    Hello people of the page, this is your friend Warren As many of you know and are in the same rocky boat as I am, it's that time of year again. Time to run around like your head's been severed and wrack your brain for those brilliant christmas gift ideas!
    I apologize for not being on here to rant and rave very much of late, as not too much as been going on except for the chaos and hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping!
    This year though, my Christmas is being spent a little different on a different emotional and physical level due to my attempts of transitioning, and I'm sure that some or all of you know what I mean by this.
    This is the first year I'm seeing family and friends on a holiday event dressed mostly as a man. No dresses, no festive ribbons in my hair, no heels, and absolutely NO makeup can be found on this dude this year
    Though the first family get together (Bf's family ((i guess we're still together for now)) who never really got the right feel for me to begin with) I only attended for probably the mass of twenty minutes. I'm not a huge fan of his family's get togethers because theyre all so extremely loud and physically affectionate which I'm not entirely comfortable with. I dont like being touched, or having someone in my face most the time. So I opted to leave as quickly as I could, though later I were called "Anti-social" for it. But, that's life.

    On a good note: MY SISTER IS HERE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
    My youngest sister Becky is here with me this year, staying with me for the month of December of staying with my mom and siblings. I'm so glad she's here, I missed her so much!
    So naturally, since this is the first Christmas that she's with me and the first full blown Christmas for her (my mom doesnt do very much at home for it), of course I SPOILED HER ROTTEN!!!
    Her stocking is busting at the seams and the tree is overstocked. I love spoiling her!

    But unfortunatly I've had a few roadblocks lately...and I'm not sure why.
    Emotional breakdowns.
    It started with going Christmas shopping with the bf, my sister, and HIS sister Mel. Now....I'm rather protective of my car. It has certain engine issues that you have to WORK WITH IT else it works too hard and sounds horrible and sucks gas then the check engine light comes on. But we werent sure of the place we were going so....DUN DUN DUUUUUUN. Justin let Mel drive. MY car.
    I was so paranoid the whole ride, and it drove me absolutely CRAZY hearing the engine over working itself. I was beside myself with horror and frustration to the point that it gave me an upset stomach. From almost hitting people with my car to slamming on the brakes to swerving to avoid traffic....I swear she was going to be the heartattack I'd been waiting for.
    Then something happened....something that hasnt happened in MONTHS!
    I had an anxiety enduced panic attack which rendered me UNCONCIOUS.

    I passed out cold in the backseat of the car, and when I were woken up by my frightened boyfriend and realized what was going on, I broke down in tears. For some reason every time I wake up from a panic attack, I cry. I'm not sure why. Emotional overload? That was the first spot.
    Then.....to get my hair cut. For me, my hair is a big deal because it has been my biggest steps away from womanhood and towards manhood, and it is my own personal statement of "I'm not you're little girl anymore". So when I went to get it trimmed and step away from my bushy bangs, I were told that my usual person was a bit busy since a pipe broke in the salon, so someone else did it. It didnt take her long and she seemed to have done a good enough job.....at the time.
    When I stopped at a Walmart afterwards with my boyfriend and sister, we started noticing little things. Like....a random and obvious HOLE in the middle of my bangs (which are crooked and boxlike and annoy the crap out of me ) along with a huge patch on the back of my neck that she didnt even trim off. I let my hairdresser know and she said I could come back for it to be fixed, which I feel awful about.
    (I broke down and shaved that patch off my neck though, I couldnt take it!)
    But on an emotional level, it should NOT have bothered me so much. But I got so worked up about it that I ended up bawling in the privacy of my bathroom, and even took a shower to try and hide the noise. Pathetic!

    Then came more emotional issues, breaking down for no reason, hiding in the bathroom, curling up in a ball in bed.....I felt like an emotional wreck and couldnt figure out why it was happening.
    Then I realized....I'd forgotten two doses of my medication, it's that horrible horrible "time" of month (I'm being punished with cramps but that's it so far ), I'm stressed because all that weight I've worked so hard to lose is coming back with a prescription I have to take, I'm stressed with trying to make this a good Christmas for my little sister, PLUS....I'm on almost Two weeks, if not more, of NO CUTTING. I've passed the "I want to" and gone straight to the emotional breakdowns.

    Otherwise........!
    THE HOLIDAY IS GREAT.
    Well, true, us cooking a Turkey at my mom's house on the 19th resulted in the stove bursting into flames, flour being thrown all over the kitchen, my baby brother screaming like a nutcase and spending three hours airing the smoke out of the house; But otherwise it's been great!
    Icing on the cake I guess, something to giggle at later.
    I'll never bring another turkey to my mother's house again....XD

    I'll post again when I can, and hopefully my issues will get a little better. My plan is to enjoy tomorrow and forget everything else as much as I can, and just ENJOY MYSELF.
    Your Friend,
    Warren
  18. WarrenG
    Since I am more able to express/explain myself on paper or online, I decided that since I'll be in town that I should get my butt in gear and suck up my pride.
    So, I did research. I wrote emails. And...I wrote a letter to my therapist.
    I'm gonna share it, since I figured it might give others ideas, and hopefully what I did was right.

    "Dear _____,
    I hope your Thanksgiving went well and you didnt get buried in all the snow. I talked to a few online friends about my last visit with you, and decided it would be best to write things down rather than forget or lose my nerve later.
    I'll admit the realization of "without a goal, there is no destination" stung a bit, and instinctivaly as if I were being given up on. I have little to no clue what I ultimatly want/need, and I felt lost and hopeless without having valid reasons for visits aside from simply someone to talk to.
    Sometimes I have a hard time verbally expressing whats going on in my mind and it hinders my trail of rational thought.
    So my first thought were simply "Even she isnt sure how to help me, I cant even help myself"

    So, in short I've done A LOT of thinking; and having these few days off work is helping. I've come down to a few goals I'd like to work out.
    1-Manage my anxiety
    2-Stop selfharm
    3-Be a happier person
    (4)- Be Me.
    Fully transition into my proper gender, and live life as who I am. If it costs me my relationship, I'll need to learn to accept that. I have contacted ______ via email in regards to cost, regulations, and state requirements for my double incision bilateral mastectomy, and am awaiting a reply.

    Battle plan:
    1-Get serious! More research, and be more confident and less reserved.
    2-If needed, see a surgeon for estimates
    3-Start hormones if needed
    4-Surgery!!!!!!
    5-Live the full lifestyle 3 years
    6-Change name
    7-Just be happy!

    I dont like being miserable. But I cant be happy by waiting on my butt for things to change.
    "Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi
    I'll still need help, I'm not foolish enough to think that I can do it alone. But sometimes I might need to be reminded that I need to act or nothing is going to change.
    I'm not ready to give up yet, and I hope you arent ready to give up on me either.
    See you Tuesday,
    _____"

    So I'll fold it neatly. I'll put it in an envelope, and I'll drop it off at the office on my way to the bank. She'll have it on-hand, she can read it, and come up with her own battle plan by the time our visit comes up.
    Wish me luck,
    Warren
  19. WarrenG

    I'm Still Here

    By WarrenG,

    Like the title of one of my favorite songs, "I'm Still Here"
    I havent forgotten anyone, and I havent fallen off the face of the planet either!
    This month has been rather hectic for me, in truth. December begs to be a difficult time for everyone, naturally, since everyone has SOMETHING going on for the holidays, no matter how much of a hermit you plead to be.
    For me this year, I was blessed with the company of my little sister for the month. For me, it's a huge thing, and I were doing my absolute best to make the most of every day. As her visit is slowly coming to a close (she leaves the 17th poo) things are starting to calm down a little, and I have unusually woken up rather early today. So why not post a quick blog??
    We went to the movies, went out to dinner several times, shopping, etc. Spoiled her rotten, I dare say!
    As for my own personal moments, there havent been too many worth noting, to be honest.

    I cut my hair even shorter, and by god to I love it!! It's so much more comfortable and....well...me!
    I style it how I want it, and I've never been happier with...well my face I guess! XD
    Though I've noticed changes. Not in me, in particular, but those around me. The strangers that pass me by as I shop with my sister or boyfriend. The glances that repeat and the glares that persist.
    I thought the bathroom issues were troublesome before, boy I had no idea how easy it was back then.
    Now that I'm convincing the world of my manliness....bathroom situations have gotten that much more awkward.
    Of course I still cannot venture into the men's room as of yet. But the glares I get in the womens room....yikes. One woman went as far as to glare at me and mumble "f***ing f**s"
    I guess she wasnt wrong, really. As a Bisexual Transgender, in one way or another I guess I am a f**. I dont take that as insulting, because it sort of is the truth. I dont mind
    But the tone and choice of muttering is what got to me, really.
    I brushed it off and like any other day, just pretended I was the only one who’d notice my unusual awesomeness.
    I cant remember if I told you all about my experience with buying alcohol…..Either way, here’s a recap. A few months ago, I had gone in to buy a 6pack of my favorite Blood Orange from Mike’s Hard. Delicious, but seasonal, which is unfortunate. But anyway, I wanted to get some as it is seasonal and wouldn’t be out for very long. ANYWAY, I went up to the register and attempted to buy it, and so came the ‘carding’. But she wouldn’t accept my I.D.
    So she called in her manager, who also would not accept my I.D. because it “simply is not your I.D.”
    So…they called the cops too. An officer came, looked at my I.D. and shook his head. He said he could see ‘some’ resemblance but was yet convinced, so he asked for me to show to other forms of I.D.
    So after handing over my S.S. card and my library card, along with my work/campus I.D., he finally let me off the hook and I left with booze in hand. But with the recommendation that I get the photo on my I.D. changed as soon as I could. Especially in case I were to get pulled over for something!
    So….I DID!!
    It took a little convincing and again, I had to hand over other forms of I.D. to prove that it was my own. Which in a way made me feel good because my transition is convincing!
    I’ll add the photo soon

    On New Years I had a bit of a falling out with my boyfriend, which I sort of expected to happen anyway since things had begun to get so rough.
    In the moment when neither of us wanted to walk away, he finally stood up and demanded I stay and that we work this out, convinced that he’d be alone for the rest of his life if I left because he didn’t want anyone else. Honestly I cried so hard that my head hurt for three days afterwards, but we worked it out. Dare I say, and knock on wood, but our relationship has been better than ever since. We agreed that we’d talk about whatever is going on at the end of every single month, because we both have the habit of bottling up our emotions and keeping quiet until we explode.
    So hopefully, in that department, I’m better than ever
    As another plus, I went to the bank to cash in my unemployment check (laid off from Dec 19th till Jan 19th, and I get a whole whopping 48$ a week jeez, thanks.) and the woman had to actually stop and ask “Are you Justin or Kristy?”
    I wanted to hug her for even asking! It felt silly, but awesome. Even Justin chuckled at it, because he knew it made me happy to have my gender questioned.
    Then when trying on new pants at walmart, the woman assumed of my gender role and automatically sent me to the men’s dressing room instead of the women’s. It’s tiny little things like that, that make my day complete. It’s awesome, and though it seems silly to some people…it makes me a lot happier.
    I’m officially OFF the self-harm-watch-list by my therapist (Was one month cut-free up until a week ago, which was due to an imbalance of my medications. Noted: Don’t take Lexapro at the same time as Levothyroxin. They counterbalance eachother!) but I stopped just a little ways into the act and turned to using markers instead. I’ll show you the picture for that too, don’t worry.

    BUT I think I have dragged into this blog long enough, and I’ve music to go download and exercise to get back to. From 230pnds down to 211! I’m getting there!
    Best of love and hugs and all that lovey gooey mushy stuff,
    Warren

  20. WarrenG

    I'm still here

    By WarrenG,

    I'm still with you guys/gals/people
    I havent left you, despite my almost complete disappearance. Things got so hectic and depressing that I had set aside all of my extra things (youtube, blogging, etc) and abandoned all of my activities in the trans community. I didnt want to be a part of any of it anymore and I didnt want to deal with any of the dysphoria that came with watching the progress of everyone else. It was too much.
    I met friends through the many groups but they kind of drifted away to do their own things, and in my own opinion, seem to be forgetting the little guys that looked up to them in the first place. It just became too much. I was struggling with SH and the rejection my family was putting on me plus just about every other nasty thought that ran through my head on my own doing. So I left, and I apologize for that.
    I'm still struggling with the SH. I thought certain things around cure that problem for me but apparently it will still be a struggle. Not sure why I thought otherwise. But I wanted to update you all--No, I NEEDED to update you all on this. A struggle you all knew I was having.
    TW: Possibly graphic to some people
    .
    .
    .
     

     
    As of April 30th, I've officially had top surgery done. The procedure was done by Dr.Robert Feins in Manchester NH and done at the Nashua Surgical Center in Nashua NH.
    I'm still a few weeks into healing but so far I love the results. I've had a few issues with the incision line as you can see in the front, but it is expected to smooth itself out on its own. They removed a total of TWELVE AND A HALF POUNDS off my chest and will remove more after I heal when they do the revisions on the sides and possibly the front. Aside from about 2500$ out of pocket (deductable, tissue sample tests, anesthesia and etc), my insurance through Harvard Pilgrim covered my surgery.
    It's so nice to be able to breathe and move around properly, though now I've come to realize how big my belly is (now that I can SEE it). But in due time, I plan to fix that. Work right now has been chaotic and we've had one person quit so a lot of the job falls onto me.
    Sadly, I've also considered quitting my job. But I feel awful for considering it so soon after getting my surgery covered by insurance through my job. I feel like pitching out now will be like "thanks for the surgery, bye!" but I'm seriously at my wits end with this job. I'm exhausted, nothing is consistent, there is zero communication and its just so frustrating. It's not what I want to do. I planned to go into the police academy. Which brings me to our next topic.
     
    Education: I was homeschooled by my mother, who I am no longer on speaking terms with. I've come to realize that me being homeschooled was just a byproduct of her doting on my older sister, like always. She struggled in school so we ALL got taken out. As an aftermath, my education lacked horribly. I was handed my text books and left to essentially figure it out on my own, lying on tests to make it more believable as I was given the answer keys just so I could pass and she wouldnt get in trouble. As a result, I've taken the time to make a resume to apply for Dispatch 911 operator. I cannot be a police officer right now so I'm starting small. However, when I found my highschool diploma...I realized that its FAKE. My mother never actually got me a diploma and using said diploma (which she didnt even bother to fill out) would be fraud. So, I need to get a GED apparently. I'm beyond furious that she lied to me and I dont actually have a highschool diploma but I cannot say that I am surprised either.
    Job: As said before, I'm still working security but want to change my job.
    Life: MY BROTHER IS LIVING WITH ME. I cant remember if I told you all that, but my brother (19 and trans) was being verbally and mentally abused by my mother but I had no way to get him to safety. UNTIL my partner and I were able to get an apartment with 2 bedrooms and I took him to live with me! He's been here about 5 or so months and it's been rocky here and there but we're happy and he's safe so that makes me happy! My SH is somewhat under control right now. I'm about 3 months SH free but I dont suspect that'll last with the stress I'm under right now.
    Youtube: I have quit youtube for now with the sad realization that I had no place in it to begin with. I had nothing to talk about, not much of anyone watching, and no idea what I was talking about half the time anyway. I had removed all of my videos and washed my hands of it until I feel comfortable enough to start it up again. My first video will probably be about my next topic.
    Transness---Am I really trans?: Due to a series of events that I'm not sure how it started but it all sort of fell into my lap regardless, I've had some sneaking suspitions on my gender. No, scratch that. My Sex. I know my gender. I know I'm a guy and I am totally cool with that. It was the sex I was not certain of. Now most people can look down and go "yup, my sex is _____" and call it a day. I've never really had that. I've been with several cis women and I never really felt as if I was on that same level that they were. Something was just...off. Looking back at my childhood, I realized little things here and there that greatly supported my suspicions. It was not until meeting a friend of mine who is a counciler for LGBTQ+ teens and talking to her a bit that I stumbled on my own reality. It all fit, like one of those puzzles you forgot you had but never finished. The I in LGBTQI+. 
    Several medical abnormalities, a few extra doses of T that I normally shouldnt have, some things in my sexual adventures that were a little off and not to mention the adam's apple, abundance of hair and my overall structure made me stop and poke her brain into the world of Intersex. It took me only ten minutes to realize that it all sounded a little too familiar. I didnt call my doctor because...let's face it. I had to teach HER about transgender things. You really think she'll know anything about intersex? And I cant just go get a new doctor, a complete stranger, and go "hey, I think I'm intersex. Let's chat."
    No, I stuck with my own "professional" and we dove into it through texts and chats and me doing my own exams with her guidance. Then the big leap. That huge jump that I've never actually thought I'd ever take but I was so desperate to know the truth that I did it anyway. Pictures. I showed her my concerns and she took all of five minutes to confirm everything without even needing to consult her books. I'm not male, I'm not female, I'm intersex. And from her own expertise and what she can see without me physically being there--The doctors who delivered me took that extra step to keep me labeled female; most likely without my mother's consent. However, little things my mother had said to me in the past that seemed irrelevent back then are now horribly relevent and now make perfect sense. She had to have known at least a little bit. But why did she fight it so hard when I came out as trans? Why does she constantly throw that in my face that I'm born a girl? I have a feeling that even if I asked her, she'd lie to my face. So I'm content with not bothering to quiz her on the details of my birth, if she even knew about that aspect of my sex. But now I know, and honestly---I feel more at peace with my sex than I did before. Like that hole in my identity has been filled and it finally all makes sense. I'm Pseudomale Intersex and you know what? I'm okay with that. And this is the first time I've said it somewhat publicly. Some have asked me "Can you even be trans then if you were never technically cis?" and the answer would be "yes" to that. I've had to do some thinking on that myself, actually. But because I still ended up with some altering I had to do and the fact that some of my 'gear' is not cis male, that still makes me trans. And I'm cool with that. And even better, my partner shrugged it off and said "nothing's changed. I've been with you for 8 years, I'm cool with it."
    Which brings us to:
    Partners: I'm still with my amazing bf Justin. He's been insanely supportive of me and he and my brother were my saving graces during my surgery recovery time. They were so careful to help me and be the most help they could possibly be. I dont know where I'd be without them.
     
    So I think that pretty much catches you all up on my life right now. I do plan to add more blog posts now that I have my account again and I look forward to catching up with everyone again. I hope you're all well and I hope to see your lovely faces again.
    Lots of love,
    Warren
  21. WarrenG

    Impatiently Waiting

    By WarrenG,

    How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out.
    Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from  my balloons of hell.
    Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol
    He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either. 
     
    Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling. 
    And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well. 
     
    Really hoping  
    -Ren

    Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD

  22. WarrenG

    Is it Spring yet?

    By WarrenG,

    Okay, I will admit and submit to my foolhardy wish for winter. Yes, I did crave a nice snowfall. Some nice puffy snowbanks would have been nice, ON CHRISTMAS. But now that it's Janurary, the sudden drop of -3F weather and ice covered everything is getting really old. It's not that I dont like the cold (hell, I've been going to work in my work sweater and work boots as my only bundling up causes lol) But the fact that it rained directly afterwards and coated everything in inch thick ice is really old. I didnt buy winter boots this year because I didnt feel I needed them. Realistically, I still dont think I need them, considering I'm wandering on ICE and not five feet of snow that we usually have by now.
    ANYWAY, Enough of my whining XD Things have been alright over here for the most part. Rather non-dramatic unless you count the chaos going on with my baby brother Kai. I'm so lost as to what to do to help him. CLEARLY he's not safe with my mother, but I cant take him here either. I'm not a legal guardian, plus I live with my boyfriends family so I really cant just pick him up and say 'live with me'. I dont own the place and it wouldnt be right. Plus he's still doing school and whatnot. But I could SO EASILY turn my mother in to the state....
    I finally got the whole story on what was going on. Kai is depressed, that much is obvious. I feel so bad because there's nothing I can do about it because he lives so far away from me. He has next to no friends aside from who is on the internet, and he cant talk to them very often because my mom lives off the grid. Literally. They have no running water, no plumbing, and the only electricity they get is when it's windy and powers their windmill. They live 2 miles up a one-way dirt road with no neighbors and in the middle of no where. That's how my mom likes it. She's lived in places like that every since my dad died, and dragged us kids along with it. She tells people how happy her family is and how great everything is and how much her kids LOVE living in those areas. It couldnt be farther from the truth but no one gives a damn! I want to go on her profile and rant and rave SO BAD about how [BAD] of a mother she is, and let people see the truth of her PERFECT FAMILY. But they all think I'm the crazy one anyway so they'll think nothing of it  It's so frustrating!!!
    Anyway, Kai was extremely depressed and all my mother seemed to care about was the fact that the dishes werent done. So Kai...tried committing suicide by cutting. And when my mother got involved and found out what was going on, instead of sitting down and trying to be sympathetic and help, she said this....
    "If you're going to kill yourself, fine. But I have three requests. Dont do it in front of your brother, Dont blame it on me, and Do a good job with it because I'm not taking care of you if you turn yourself into a vegetable."
    ARE YOU  KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!? YOU DONT TELL A SUICIDAL CHILD TO GO AHEAD AND DO IT AND MAKE SURE THEY SUCCEED!!!
    I'm so lost...I want to call DCF and tell them about Kai's lack of schooling, the abuse, the suicidal tendancies.....But what would happen from it? Mom would know who told them depending on who she'd told this information, and then what? I'd be banned from seeing Kai, or Kai would go to a foster home (and wouldnt last 10 minutes on his own there), or they'd just leave it be and Kai will either commit suicide or my mom will beat him to death. She claims she's not abusive but I know better from my own personal experiences! She's beaten near every one of us kids, and although none of us had broken bones from it, the emotional and physical trauma she's caused is NOT small! I dont know what to do to help....If I call someone, Kai will be in danger. If I DONT call someone, Kai STAYS in danger...I'm so lost ;( 
     
    In other news...Apparently Alex is becoming rather popular on facebook (which is okay i guess) and I've been so tired and stressed lately that I just let him take over 80% of the time. But now that we've become (unfortunatly) aware of more than just him in there, life's getting hectic. So apparently (according to someone else I'll mention) there are five. Including Alex. One of which is a female, who we've named Abby. (She said she didnt have a name and wanted one so Alex and my friend Destinee named her). She's....interesting. And frustrating. Very feminine and insists on trying to put make up on me or wearing feminine things and it drives me crazy  Sometimes I wanna strangle her, she's so annoying! Alex tollerates her but I think he feels the same way. She's fronted a few rare times but never for more than an hour. Thankfully. But there is one other I'm aware of that almost costed me my relationship last night. Justin (my boyfriend) and I went to the theater to watch Star Wars. (No spoilers, but fantastic movie! BUT, be prepared for a disappointment as well.) After the movie, we went out to eat and sometimes (especially if he's hungry and tired) Justin gets kinda cranky. He was getting annoyed at the restaurant/pub because the food was taking a long time after we waited 20 mins to be seated, and he had to go and put more quarters in the meter so we wouldnt get a parking ticket. So he was reasonably annoyed. But I sort of dozed off and felt a switch coming on, but assumed it was just Alex so I let it go and didnt think much of it. Apparently it wasnt Alex, it was someone else. (Lesson learned: ask first, switch after.). This one is apparently younger than me, more timid, male, and almost has a childish sort of attitude. Like a submissive "Little". He apparently was upset about Justin's attitude and when Justin got up to use the restroom, he showed obvious signs of not feeling comfortable and was all pouty or something. A couple who sat at a table nearby (gay couple, maybe they felt sympathetic because we looked like a gay couple ((in my mind we are, in justins we're not.)) ) wove for him to come sit with them instead, probably assuming we were in an abusive relationship. AND HE ALMOST DID! He was going to get up and go sit when them instead and ignore justin completely!!!!! UH, NO!?!?
    Thankfully Alex took over and prevented it and told me about it after. This whole MPD thing is getting out of hand!!! I dont want to see a therapist and have meds shoved down my throat but if this keeps progressing and getting worse, I'm not gonna have much of a choice. I'm gonna have to go  It's stupid because this stuff usually happens when life is stressful and traumatic right? I dont feel traumatized! Granted, I'm slightly stressed about the Kai thing, but I thought Alex and I had it under control! Ever since taking those muscle relaxants to try and sleep, this has gotten worse. There are nights when I cant even sleep because all I hear is inaudible noise from everyone talking up there. Its driving me crazy!!!
    In other news.....I finally organized my penguin collection lol. I have a small shelf area (two actually, one atop the other) of penguin things. Cups, figurines, an adorable penguin musical thing, boxes, snowglobes and etc. But one thing I've also collected a lot of over the years with christmas and birthdays is STUFFED PENGUINS! LOOOOOVE it but I only really sleep with one in particular; the first one I ever got. It was a gift from Justin when we went to see real penguins for the first time. I named him Jack and he sleeps with me lol He's an African Penguin (Jackass penguin. No joke, it's the actual nickname on account of their braying noises). But I now have fourteen other penguins and some are NOT small. One is even three feet tall! All have names, because I'm pathetic XD.
    But I bought a shoe organizer thing that you hang on the wall and so they all have their spots hanging above my bed. Love it. It's the little things  
    Anyway, my brain is killing me (Headaches for the past three weeks. Not sure what from but sometimes I literally hide in bed all day because it's legit throbbing >.< )
    Love and Respect to all you ppls,
    Stay safe,
    Ren
  23. WarrenG

    It's been a while

    By WarrenG,

    Hello everyone,
    I apologize deeply for being gone so long. Life has been a bit chaotic as of late, and with all the winter storms hitting us hard up here in the north, this become even more chaotic.
    You guys havent really missed too much, I'll be honest.
    Only things that have happened lately is that I didnt go to my therapy session today.
    I got a call from Joan at 7am this morning to call off our appointment due to road conditions and black ice, and she did want herself nor I to risk it.
    Though a part of me was relieved that I could crawl back into my bed with my boyfriend, another half of me felt like I really really wished she'd risked it.
    As bad of me as it is to want someone to risk their safety just so I can go and whine and be a crybaby, I couldnt help it. I've almost grown dependent on our weekly visits together.

    Otherwise, it wasnt too bad of a day. Classes for the students I cook for was cancelled due to the weather, though surprisingly I didnt get completely ambushed on serving either. Normally no classes means I get mauled to pieces by 2k students with nothing better to do than eat until they burst.
    But, again, with the weather, they didnt want to venture out of their dorms. THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
    After four inches of very stick snowballs raining from the skies, the weather turned another direction and instead hit 41F and turned to rain. Which, in turn, transformed the whole county into one giant slush pit. Yay....
    But, with the bad comes the good, because they let us close down early and go home.
    Otherwise..I got bit my a spider o.o
    Sorting through grapes, and he just popped out and bit my hand.

    So as you can see, nothing too exciting has happened. I havent really heard much back about my estimate for the top surgery, so I'll have to call them now that I've found my cellphone.
    (Its only been missing about two weeks! Was in a coat pocket......derp.)
    My binders are starting to irritate me a little bit, and I might resort to a sports bra underneath it. Simply because after a while it doesnt do much, and simply makes it look like I am wearing no bra at all (technically im not but its not a good look either).
    I'm still looking into getting a REAL binder, though its tough for someone with my bust size.
    I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any, I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
    Trying to hint to the boyfriend that it can be a christmas gift, until I rethought the idea.
    I'd have to open gifts with the family....
    With HIS family....
    Bad idea to get a binder during christmas.
    Yikes!
    That's it for now, nothing much else.
    Tootles!
    Warren


    SIDENOTE:
    Why do girls talk to themselves so much in the bathroom!!? I go in the bathroom to hide and calm down my anxiety sometimes, and of course I have to use the girls bathroom, as much as I hate it. But everytime I'm in there, all the girls will whisper or mumble and talk to themselves! Its so weird! I'm not racist but I've noticed this habit ESPECIALLY with the spanish or nepali girls. Granted, it cracks me up when I'm hiding in there listening to them talk to themselves, but still.....rather strange.
  24. WarrenG

    It's been a while...

    By WarrenG,

    Hey guys...I know, right? Been a long time...I havent felt like blogging lately. I even skipped out on my youtube videos because I felt like...I dont know. Like they're not going anywhere. Not doing any good I guess? I'm at a loss
    I'm back into that feeling like....nothing I do, does any good. All my waiting for surgery and help is wasted. All my optimism and hoping is falsified.
    I'm really....really at a loss you guys.
     
    I broke my cut-free streak again. I couldnt help it...I've tried so long and so hard to stay away from the blades but it just...got to me. Again. Dont get me wrong, I love my new job! I do, I really really do! But being misgendered all the time...it hurts. Probably more than it should, but it hurts regardless. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. That I'm just sitting here wasting away. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore. My intentions with youtube and blogging was to help others thrive and 'be okay' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant do it myself? When every attempt I make seems to just....disappoint? Not even disappoint other people but disappoint myself.
    I've started to avoid the FTM top-surgery group I'm in. It's just so....sooooooo so so SOOOO depressing to see all these people posting their post-op photos and how happy and proud they are...and I'm stuck where I am. I'm sitting here suffering, mentally and physically, in my female body. I can deal with not having bottom surgery. F***, I'd be okay if my bust size was like.....a B. Or even a C, maybe. Because I'd be able to hide them better. But this? A 44DDD? It's unbarable!
    The binding has started to really really take it's toll...

    And nothing I do seems to help. It makes me want to cry every time I squeeze into it again because it hurts. It hurts so bad and it limits my breathing so much, and my back feels like it's about to collapse every time I remove it because it's compressed the muscles and whatnot for so long during the day. Not even to mention the heat and sweating and unbarable dehydration I keep fighting because of wearing it! I just....I cant take it! It's driving me crazy...
    I have my consultation on the 1st of September. I'm so close but so very far...I've already told my boyfriend.
    "Justin...if they tell me no, and insurance wont touch it...you'll need to keep an eye on me. Because I cant promise that I'll take it well."
    And its the truth...I know I wont. I can promise that I wont. This is so amazingly frustrating and painful and mentally disabling that if they tell me no...if they say we wont pay for it, you cant have it done, you'll have to deal with it and keep binding...I dont know how much longer I will last.
    This has literally become a do or die situation. I just...I cant...
    I dont know what to do...
    Warren
  25. WarrenG
    I've been seeing a lot of hate lately towards the gorgeous Caitlyn Jenner, and frankly...its saddening. I know it is difficult for people to understand the gravity and complexity of being Transgendered unless they have LIVED it. No one will understand it unless they have witnessed it in their own lives, or gone through the judgement of something in which you have no control. Many saying she is no hero. She is not courageous. Well what you may not realize, is she is a hero. Perhaps not a metal of honor or a survivor of a battle, but a hero to others who aspire to be like her. To the Transgender Community. You see, there are many levels of courage. It all depends on who is looking at it. Not saying that soldiers arent courageous, dont get me wrong! They have a lot of courage and guts, and I know it takes a lot of heart, soul and dedication to be a soldier in war.

    But no matter what they do they'll always be considered a hero. Transgenders.....no matter what we do, we're freaks and outcasts. A soldier can wear his uniform in public and get handshakes and appreciation. Transgenders get beat up and pointed at and parents shooing their kids away. Suffering names like "tranny" and "fa**ot" and countless other things. We cannot even use the correct bathrooms, or ANY public bathroom, without ridicule and heart breaking judgement. Just...you know....just saying. I know you're gonna say "well soldiers die for their country" and I agree with that fact, though I may not agree with the reasons for them to give their lives, but nevertheless I agree that its tragic. But transgenders also die... Maybe not for their country, maybe not in uniforms, and maybe not with honor. But for their lack of identity and ability to be who they truely are. They commit suicide from abandonment of their families and friends. Because the mental turmoil and cruelty they endure is just as big of a battle as one overseas. And if they dont commit suicide...they're sometimes even murdered. For being alive.... Just food for thought.
     
    Warren
×
×
  • Create New...