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Michele800226

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  1. Michele800226

    35 Today

    By Michele800226,

    Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday.

    Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why.

    Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough.

    Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist.

    Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves.

    I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.
  3. Michele800226

    Acceptance from above

    By Michele800226,

    What happened at a course.  Yes, I sometimes do sound like my 2nd language is my 1st, and my mother tongue like I'm a fumbling fool, which is Afrikaans.
    VID_20150911_142337_3gp.0473bc1a5be6f027f880473e4184319d
  4. Michele800226

    And again

    By Michele800226,

    Good day all
     
    I am again in this same situation that I was, but not as bad, just this captain wants everything in writing.  Fine by me, and here is the chance again to make everyone around me squirm.  Yes, I will be the bitch again.
     
    No it is actually a short thing, just to vent that I need to get everything again, just to be myself.
     
    Seeing my doc on Tuesday, so will be asking again for other documentation to just make the world stop and gasp again.
     
    Not venting just saying, as the stupid acrobat doesn't want to download my annuity for me to get done with my taxes.
     
    Michele out
  5. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Reason I say there I go again, I had to play car fixer again for my sister.  Do you girls and guys realize that a car is heavy to push on your own.  But this time round, I reversed the car into the garage, because there is no way in hell that I am pushing that heavy () car again to have to start.
     
    I hope that my sister doesn't stuck tomorrow with the car as she goes to work.  I don't know where it is draining the battery from and I didn't have enough time to trace the fault as I was working.
     
    Ooooooh, some guy asked to see a picture of me and I just handed my phone over and I was looked at and asked a few questions, as he figured out from my instagram (@michelintrans) that I changed, but thought that I was transgender ftm.  I was laughing and said, no.  But yes, this was because I am just as naughty as the guy that asked to see some pics of me.  Yes, he saw my ass, and it's perky as heel, so I am not ashamed of artistically taken pics.  And it wasn't like I was naked, I was dressed in underwear and only kept the artistic not sleazy pics, the rest were deleted.  I even prove that underwear can be used to fight in and showed that I can be a sword wielding biatch, although it was with a WW2 relic, bayonette sword.  That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use a sword, remember is was the only size I could handle as a child to not injure myself when I started my sword works, and I love it as it reminds me of how brave my dad was in real life, and that he is proud of me where he is.
     
    Need to run, my baby is running low on nappies and I have to drive to a shop with his brand as he soaks the bed if you buy inferior nappies.
     
    Love, Respect, Hugs, Adoration, and Understanding
    Michele
     
    Ps.  No one can see my pics on instagram without me accepting them.  I locked it for my own privacy.
  6. Michele800226
    Hi there all.
     
    How do I start this...
     
    I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old.
     
    The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?"
     
    Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles.  And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles.  Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore.
     
    The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed.  This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session.
     
    So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed.  Yes, having two genders in one body.  How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby.  This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related.
     
    I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy.  So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him.
     
    Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled???  I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level.
     
    Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more.  Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions.
     
    Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions.
     
    I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along.  In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry.
     
    I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me.  And yes, that is what most parents do.  Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up.
     
    Cheers. Lots of love and kisses
    Michele
     
  7. Michele800226

    Annual Symptoms

    By Michele800226,

    Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away.

    February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively.

    Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over.

    This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt.

    To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples.

    1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck.

    Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life.

    Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped.

    Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason.

    I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape.

    Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.
  8. Michele800226

    Baby Daddy Blues

    By Michele800226,

    Let met get it clear from the start, my friend is pregnant with twins (boy and girl) and Baby Dady is taking up my time again...
     
    Since she and this guy have been dating she didn't tell me it's serious and therefore I never met him.  Then all of a sudden he is a permanent ficture and messing up our talking crap, dinner dates, movies nights, sleep overs, and baby shopping time.
     
    Okay, doesn't men know or realize that girls need to hang and not be bothered at times.  And doesn't he realize they going to have a lot of sleepless nights coming after November???
     
    He has already asked a friend of his to be godparent and now she must still decide on who the lucky or unlucky person is.  I'm already calling the girl my baby that kicks ass, and the boy the softer one.  But they both apparently kicking and punching mommy left to right and also head budding her bladder.  How I wish I could go through that.  But would I want to be involved in a relationship or take it as a singleton.  It's hard enough to be in a relationship to juggle both.
     
    So actually this isn't about me always wanting to have a child and carry it full term.  It's more that Alistair is taking up so much time that I can't see my friend, which I am missing like crazy.
     
    The same friend that freaked when I said I need a new GP and Endo!  Who made herself vocally heard in her distrust in South African surgeons, and not wanting me to go here for anything remotely close to major surgery in SRS.
     
    The same friend when I started HRT said, bloody finally you started, but are you certain you trust your doctors.  Don't you want someone else to handle your hormones.
     
    The first person to know how much the hormones cost, as she went with a few times.  The most annoying one when it comes to someone wanting me to date a man.  She kinda knows most of the fixed requirements and she has been occupied so much she doesn't know the picture kinda changed in the mean time, after making out with a friend who is considerably shorter then me.  Yes I call anything under 1.7m short, that I'm 1.74m (5'8&1/4), he is like 5'5.
     
    NO THIS ISNT MEANING ANYTHING LIKE THAT I'M DATING THIS GUY!  WE FRIENDS AND WE HAVE A SEXUAL ATTRACTION, BUT WE ALSO DONT WANT TO LOSE OUR FRIENDSHIP WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEVERMIND WHAT WE SAY, IF WE VENTURE INTO THAT TERRITORY.
     
    So kinda shorter has joined my criteria, but also only if there is respect, attraction and a whole lot of va va boom.
     
    Wonder when I'll be seeing my friend, and when I'll get to see our little one's.
     
    Funny, I started moaning about not seeing her, but realized how much we share, unless we know that it can be sort of flaunting and to much of a visual expression for the other to deal with.  We stay quiet, even though visually we can deal with corpses and being shot on at work.  Lol
     
    All I can reiterate is, I miss my blooming friend.  This guy is making our relationship unreliable as she is now never there for me!  Bloody penis that impregnated her!!!
  9. Michele800226
    Good day all
     
    I do miss those days when I could unassumingly just blend into an ocean of faces without even a second glans.
     
    What has changed????
     
    Well that rock on top of me, it's not even a chip anymore.  Yes had the burden of not being any person in particular, because showing my feelings or true self would end in my world imploding.
     
    Confidence.  Well check the pics in my last few updates.  The more relaxed, confident persona I exude now then back then.  Well going from cute, to ooh mama your hot also helps.  And the weight I've gained, positively radiant.
     
    Talking about the weight, for my 5'8 (1,74m) tall structure.  Before and early transitioning, left me with this constant urge, to stay under 110Lbs (53kgs), as I couldn't come to believe that a bit more weight on me would look good.  But it also helped me blend in more, with my unassumingly process of non-existence.  Now at 135Lbs (62kgs), I feel so much better about myself, bit more roundings, and yes flaunting it all in your face attitude.  Oooh dont get me on body fat, that was below 7% and now so close to 20% if not sort of over that.
     
    Well I miss blending in, but why would I want to hide my existence from anyone now.  I am a strong woman, that doesn't find strength in others, but within myself.
     
    Positives are.
    I look good, and even if you dont want to say it, you know it.
    I'm confident to the level of making people around me comfortable allowing their trust to come out.
    I'm strong.  And no physically I'm just capable of controlling a guy in a fight, not stronger then a man.  But mentally I'm unbreakable.
    Unwavering in my beliefs.
    Proud of who and what I've become.  How many people can say they in the career they dreamed of as a child.
    Loyal to my family and friends.
    Pretty hazelnut eyes.
    Perky tits, even if they only a 32A, they mine and fit me perfectly.  And I don't care what anyone says.  You want them bigger, pay for it and give yourself the boobjob.
    Struggling with normal human thing.  Yes this is a positive, because if I thought that I'm to good for humanity (finances, day to day running), well you know what I mean.
     
    With this all, there are still days, I need to blend in with the crowd, albeit being I need to be between models to look like a normal blend of person.  I do appreciate being called a flower between my male counterparts at work who are the thorns.
     
    Hugs
    Michele
  10. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Went for my bi annual endocrinology check at the end of January 2017, and all went well.
     
    Then for a urology check up, more like an appointment date for my bilateral orchidectomy on 2 March 2017.  And got an appointment date for 7 March 2017, which was yesterday.
     
    I had 4 days to prepare for surgery so went and stocked up on pads (sanitary towels) for the possible bleeding, paid the doctors fees of basically R4000.00 and the requested the bill from the hospital which the doctor estimated at another R4000.00+.
     
    Chose my shoes, as the last time wearing heeled boots was a bad idea, I took my slip ins, and an easy to get in pants.
     
    Get to hospital at 06:40 as I needed to get booked in by 07:00 and find the doors still locked.  But at 06:50 a nurse pulls up and says, hello Michele, follow me.  You can go book in so long, I will be with you shortly.
     
    So far so good friendly staff.
     
    Everyone enquires if I'm Afrikaans or English speaking, I say they choice is yours.  Just dont ask me to write in Afrikaans, I write very poorly in that language, just speak it predominantly.  And the forms I left open on title, I see Werner the receptionist at the helpdesk for surgery admission made it Mej the Afrikaans abbreviation for Miss of Ms.  So glad even though I hadn't put anything he put the right abbreviation on as my title.
     
    Pre operation theater, doc comes and says this is going to hurt and injects me 3 different places and the last one just above a crack was the most painful.  Ouch...  10 minutes later gets asked to walk to the theater as I'm number 1 on the list.
     
    Now the uncomfortable section, lying there exposed for the world to see.  The nurses start using female pronouns to make me feel at ease and when the doctor who is uncertain about the pronouns to use, just falls in with continuing the female pronouns the whole way.
     
    They tell me that it might burn me, and I smell flesh burn.  I just say, can't feel anything so do your thing.  They have this green sheet up between us so we can't see each other and we chatting the whole way through.  Somewhere near the end as they move to the left, I start feeling what they do and say.  Now  I'm feeling, but continue and get it over and done with.  Here as promised I started giggling in my Mortisha Adams sleeping pose.  We talk about my nursing days and weird scenes I've attended to as a police official.
     
    Now he starts taping me up and explaining that I must only wear tight underwear.  I ask him if he remembers the shape of the underwear I use, and all of them are  tight doctor, so no worries.  They say I can move to the recovery room where coffee is offered to me, and I drink it because my head was spinning, yes a dizzy baby.
     
    The nurse fetched my bag with 2 steamed beef dumpling in it.  I ate them and drank my coffee.
     
    Well in the morning one of my friends were supposed to drive me there and take me home, but in this  case I felt like I was late and drove myself home again.  Pain levels as I left the hospital before getting behind the wheel of my car was a 3/10, but as soon as I started driving the pain went up to a 5/10.
     
    Get home and everything draws out of my body and I walk like an old woman with a walking stick.  I ended up for today and yesterday with pain levels around 7/10 maybe an 8/10.  I know, closest pain I've ever felt was a full blown migraine.  Talking a migraines, apparently my migraines are Testosterone related, the more present the stronger the migraine.
     
    The last I managed to number 2 was yesterday morning before leaving for hospital.  I'm micturating with ease.
     
    My pain starts just below my diaphragm and ends just below my pelvis area, with only my ass spared from the pain.
     
    Well tomorrow is checkup day, precisely a week later.  I've been bleeding everyday, but small amounts.  So nothing to write home about.  The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I'm a big girl.  Some sswelling to my right side, just hope its not an infection, because then more pain...
     
    On the bright side, started having a guy over, and had the transgender discussion, but I wanted him to read my fb profile which explains it, but his friends saw it first, and now he has this attitude saying it doesnt change me, and they should be concerned about their lives, and then he said I should read a message from his mom who is also not approving of me being transgender and getting to know her oldest boy better.  So I am enjoying his company and my oldest sister has met him, we officially met on 3 March 2017.
     
    Love life.
    Live your life accordingly.
    And dont be forced to take the road you dont want too.
     
    Cheers
    Michele
  11. Michele800226
    Good evening all
     
    As the title says I'm confused...
     
    The confusion comes in when people try to assimilate being transgender or intersex into a WTF area and make those people feel like they nothing and don't deserve to breath the same air as them.
     
    Well, let me see.  I'm intersex identifying as transgender, but more specifically identifying as female and always have.  Trying to nullify my existence only gets the dragons fire breathe that much hotter, as I clearly look like a 10 (boasting some what cause I can in a transgender and cisgender world).
     
    Okay, I also understand the hatred I'm getting from the cisgender females.  But, "Baby I'm sorry, I'm not sorry!!!"  Yes, I got looks with a package of personality too, and I'm not a fake ass person.  As the song also say, "If you talk that talk baby.  Better walk that walk baby."  I do it, not because I talk the talk, but I talk the talk because I walk the blooming walk.  And I can't help that you trying to make me feel like I'm nothing.  Cause I'll never be nothing.  I'm proud, strong, sexy, vivacious, older then you think cause I look younger then your wannabe all I am in all my stunning personality, and not to mention unstoppable force of nature.
     
    The confusion is how people want to be you, but dont want to go through the struggles you faced, that made you the strong, independent woman you are.  What they think that, perfection just happened by mistake, it took year to polish the attitude, well the looks were there I guess, just enhanced now.  This is probably the only time I'll comment with a picture from my past.  But these were taken a few hours ago.
     
    Well, the message that I'm trying to convey is...  The only time people will notice you is, when you have the confidence to take life by the balls of the proverbial bull, because taking him on by the horns well girl, you know he going to fight you so much harder as he thinks you'll just go down easier, but grabbing his ball and twisting your vices grips that but harder each time he tries to squirm or fight you to attack you that much harder.  Life will learn, no matter how petite its opponent is, don't underestimate the capabilities of them, because even the smallest person can have a big heart that will cause them to win where you thought it was impossible.
     
    Now ladies, lets take life by the bulls balls, and twist just that little bit harder each time life tries to sucker punch us to the ground, trying to make us uncertain about ourselves.  We are only human and also need to be loved, respected, and adored by onlookers, just like anybody else.
     
    I hope, you all are well and will not let life knock you down for too long, as the fight for equality has only begun.
     
    Love, hugs and respect
    Michele







  12. Michele800226
    Hello all
     
    Got a weird question albeit normal question the other day.
     
    I was asked out of the blue by one of the officers at work, "Will you be capable of answering a question when the new station commander asks you about your dress code?  And have you changed it at work?"
     
    The it is, my gender specifics and the dress code for male and female police members are slightly different at work.  Answering this officer, I clearly stated that the workplace were informed and some of my medical certificates are on record at work, that's why I obtained a female bulletproof or why would I have gotten that and be placed in the female side of a barracks when going on a course.  I said some part in my head, then vocalized that I was born intersexed and that make me capable of deciding if I'm female or male as I got both genders, what now...
     
    I got a weird look, and commented further that a friend whom is Maj General and the head of legal services in the police was approached and informed of my steps that I was going to take and for her to start looking at the laws of South Africa to safeguard herself, otherwise this will have repercussions and reach her office too.  Suddenly he walked away, because now his rank isn't just inferior, but somewhere in the middle of myself and a friend.
     
    2 days passed and I got asked if I saw the page on his table.  It didn't bother me as it wasn't my desk.  She read out loud a section he wrote about me. (See attachments)
     
    Come after me as much as you want, because this will only strengthen me as I grow and safeguard all others to follow.  Meaning I do their fighting for them preemptively.  I was far from done when it came to fighting for LGBTIQ&Others.  Have about 20 odd years to go before it's time for me to go on retirement as it is frowned upon to work more then 30 years in the police here.​
     
    Thinking that people still want to crucify people for being different to them is awful.  If this is his point of view, ooooh I got some sins he has done.  By his own account, and that doesn't scare me to take him on.
     
    I'm not livingin th stone ages, and he'll js have to get over it, or dron in his own sins and leave me alone.  One more person to beat the crap out of.  And in the endi am gong to g for gold, hit him wher it will hurt the most, his wallet.  What that is the only way to make a bigot learn to stay on the right side of the law.
     
    Hope you all are havig a good time, and are safe.  After all a pest like me never goes down without a fight..
     
    Hus and kisses
    Michele
     
     


  13. Michele800226

    Distance is coming

    By Michele800226,

    Last night I was informed that the one I'm dating is going away for a month or more.  I'm not the dependent type of person, but it's giving me the sensation of sadness and that my boo is way too far to touch.  And me vocalizing this feeling made him stress about it too.
     
    What I know for certain is, his family decided on him to go help out at family and the ones that decided aren't aware of our relationship or at least not aware of how I look.  Make that his whole mom's side of the family, as I've been exposed to his dad's side and the battle of me winning them over or proving that we are a good couple was won on first impressions, one side down, another to go.
     
    What's bothering me is he'll be away and about seven to eight hours worth of drive if not more.  I first need to find out if they are talking about 120km/h (75mph) or at a greater speed then the legal speed limit.  Which is almost giving me a sense of anxiety.  But we grew closer in the last few months of knowing each other and we will just have to see what this family obligation will hold in store for us.
     
    Why are relationships so complicated???  I also know the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.". But the more we had this discussion the more reluctant he is seeming to go help his family, which I don't want.  Maybe he is fearing me dumping him for being so far away.
     
    The thing I'm worried about, it will be his first birthday together with me and will he truly be back by then.  No I didn't change my leave planning for him as yet, as we still have to gel more according to me, and then we can start planning our life together.  And family does come first especially if they are the supportive kind, and he is supper attached to his family.  Where I am the one only attached to some of my family, especially my oldest sister (even though we have an age gap of 16 years, she was the first to know I never identified as male, but we've been open about most of our feelingsfeelings as we have been open since before I was four years when we discussed me not being a boy), and then my sister in law and her oldest daughter I call my child.  I'm actually closer to my brother's in laws then my own family, weird.
     
    So getting back to my feelings.  I would love to have him to myself, but I know I'm sharing him with his family and he doesn't give any two or even how million F#@ks about anybody disapproving of our relationship.  Still I'm getting a sense his mom was the deciding factor in this matter, because we never met and we don't have a relationship as yet.
     
    Well I worry about the whole thing, or if anything is about to happen, as all relationships need a time apart to see if it will work.
     
    Now that is my 2cents worth of thoughts on this.
     
     
    Live life, love yourself, and be who you've always been.
     
    I'm out
    Michele
  14. Michele800226
    Hi there all
     
    I thought that my migraines would be a thing of the past seeing that it is testosterone related, but hey it the first I had in a few months.
     
    The sensation of getting nauseous and disliking the way light makes my eyes and head feel is one thing I dont like.  It aggravates me to a degree that I would just want to punch a hole through a wall just to focus the pain on something else.
     
    I know when my estrogen levels are higher with my intake it deminishes.  So I will definitely be talking to my endo about lifting the dose so that I can actually demish this sensation, seeing that after this operation it was dropped to 0.625mg to maintain my body.  Not mentioning what I am taking as I am not prescribing medication for anyone and this is lower then what the international doses are, and yes I also know that I shouldn't be comparing South Africa with any other country, but when it comes to administering certain medication, we are following a totally different set of rules.
     
    Majority of the time I'm feeling better.  But the hematoma has gotten me down a few more times this week too.  Did I mention, that the surgeon told me initially after the first week after the surgery that the hematoma would disappear after about 6 weeks, and 9 days later when I went for a followup again, that it looks as though my recovery will take about 2 to 3 months.  What a bummer, right.  I was thinking that I would be good and running about by now.
     
    Okay, seeing that I'm giving an update, here goes.  I can walk short distances and then I'm sore, which a long distances (endurance) walker doesnt want to hear right, precisely.  I gained 2Lbs in the first week, lost 6Lbs a week later, and then gained a pound the week after that only to go down and he pound I gained.  I know that this is due to the hormonal fluctuations caused by the operation, but now I'm wondering if this fluctuations aren't only effecting my weight, capabilities to eat and also possibly this onset of the migraine.
     
    The reason I started the blog was to check how my mood and everything would change.
     
    Talking about my mood changing, I've come to find a difference in the way I handle stressful situations.  Normally where I go through the sensation of wanting to smash, meaning punch things when I'm angry, I release it through tears.  Yes, I've become a cry baby of sorts.  But I still tackle things head on first.
     
    But if I didn't mentally change throughout this hormonal fluctuations in my body, as the chemistry in my brains are normalizing I wouldnt be human to start with right.
     
    So be prepared for changes and keep holding on.  We are all strong individuals, and we should all learn how to be vulnerable as well as the heroes we might be to others.  Because being strong doesn't mean we dont have weaknesses, it just means we have learnt how to deal with those weaknesses that were flung unto us.
     
    Stay strong, be beautiful.  And above all, what does aphrodisiac beauty mean, as I've been told I am that, any good explanation please, as I dont see myself as a knockout beauty queen.
     
    Cheers for now
    Michele
  15. Michele800226
    The police haven't sent me on training in while, and here its for the newest entry at work.

    So having had training in Shotguns, R5 Assault Rifles, RAP401 and Piettro Beretta Mod92 9mm Pistols a decade back, was like funny to for me the only girl with the hard ass guys I work with and some men I can sneeze over. 5 minutes later firearm training over, I know my firearm, so off to the shooting range. Why didn't you train the other stations people. This guy looks like he is afraid in front of me, well let me show him how it's done. 5 minutes later he is still struggling yo release the slide, how bad can he be. Can't wait to stand and shoot though.

    At the station prior to leaving the 2nd hands as I like to call them are a click that makes almost everybody believe they are the best, and before I or we (my group) get in a fight with them, lets just go in my car and drive the 80mile round trip.

    On the shooting range from the right to the left, the first 5 persons were the best of the best. The only girl in the mix, so Queen again. So after the first squeeze I realized this pistol isn't just lighter, but everything on it is lighter except for the new magazine that was still stiff.

    Being considered one of the guys that stands my ground in the face of danger. I sometimes wonder if I would've been accepted or an outcast if I couldn't shoot, fight or stand my ground. Yes, with certain guys the option of me driving are always open, with others I am the driver no matter what, because they can't drivr. The joke with the driving is, I drive a Chevrolet Spark 1.2L stick shift, and the vehicles at work are one tonners trucks or sometimes bigger, and very rarely smaller, but everything is at least 3ft longer.

    In cars I pick something that doesn't seem like I stole my dad's car and fits my personality. But seeing as I'm talking about firearms, I prefer a weapon that is comfortable to carry and shoot one handed too.

    Lastly, I don't believe a firearm yo be the first line of defense. I also know that when I draw my weapon it is in all likelihood going to be used, because it is my last option to protect myself and those lives around or with me. A weapon, be it a firearm, knife, sword, baton, or any form should only be used or carried when you feel comfortable the training you were given can be executed without a fault, and all consequences of you using that said weapon to inflict the minimum of damages to stop the said attacker. Because going around and thinking you indestructible because you were trained at using it, is the worst mentality you can have. Yes, be confident, know your strength and weaknesses with the weapon or your body. AND LASTLY REMEMBER TO BE SAFE, BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, IF IT IS BECAUSE OF FOCUS OR ABILITY. WEAPONS ARE NOT TOYS, BUT AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HAND AND CAPABILITIES IN A FIGHT.

    Okay, all I wanted to do was gloat that I passed. But I did it all while ensuring my safety and that of those around me. And I still looked feminine and adorable. Doesn't mean I like guy stuff I jave to look like them, I'm a girl by nature that doesn't like taking crap from anybody.
  16. Michele800226
    Hi there all.
     
    I have mentioned that I was applying to an internal post at work, and that it implies that I will by an acting fleet manager.
     
    On the 30 September 2015 I was officially informed that my application for the post was successful.  The amazing part was, that all my competition were butch guys and little feminine old me won the race, and I didn't come second, third or any other number other then number 1.
     
    I started on 7 October 2015 at 07:30 and my first day was a blast.  I enjoyed the new challenges that were thrown my way.  And day one ended exhausted and going to the gym with a friend.  But I enjoyed every second of it.
     
    On day two, I found new damages to a vehicle and had to write persons for damaging the vehicles.  I know that you can feel and possibly strip one nut of the wheels and not the rest.  So I was super pissed off when all six on the one wheel were stripped and good.
     
    Today we started out sorting the vehicles and I ended up helping to clear an office my previous commander was in and an even older commander will be occupying.  I am so glad that I am getting him back that I want to see if he answers me, but I don't want to be dissed or not answered because, I don't know if he is ready for the work he will need to do.
     
    I am now done with day three and all is well, I had my targets performed for the day and I'm systematically sorting out the backlog of the previous regime, but I should also know, there was not commander in that post for about a year.  So it is remarkable that I have maintained the quality of standards that I would want in a work place.
     
    Okay, what I am doing is to get all the things my boss would want, and that is my priority, but secondary function is to make certain that the vehicles on the police station are running and all in working order.  I am doing this because, i need my people to take care of the vehicles and not to make me look like a fool around the guys.  What made me laugh was, one of the guys I worked with saw me and made it clear that he is looking at my boobs as I am busy working on attempting to fix a flat.  I laughed because I know he is harmless and if he messes with me, I will go to his wife and she will inadvertently sort him out.
     
    The thing that keeps me feeling like my shift is still loving me is...  The one is telling me to never return to the shift because I decided to leave.  But then our captain needed help and I told her, I don't need to help him and I can just get in my car and drive home as my time is up at work.  The next thing I know is I get grabbed from behind and hugged, and they telling me how they missing me and I have only left them.  Their days are quieter and no one is around to make them think on their feet, so they aren't even getting excitement.  They missing me for my administrative skills, and my knowledge in the field as a functional uniform member that that knows my complaints, the books, how to deal with a complaint, take statements, certifications, and overall to deal with prisoners and the community on a whole.  They missing me as it is feeling like the ship is sinking and the one that always had control of the pumps to ensure that the ship never flooded or even took up any water, has gone.
     
    Yes I am proud of myself for getting the post above all, the men that were just as capable as me in vehicle knowledge.  The only thing they beat me in was that I don't have a truck license and don't intend to get one.  I like and prefer to be driving only cars.  Would I change my decision now that I have had a little taste of what is to come.  I don't think so.  I am enjoying myself to much and I don't think I would change it for the world.
     
    So my career is taking off and my love life too.  Good for me.
     
    .
    Cheers for now people.  I'm out.  I am falling asleep in front of the computer.
    Night from #TransIsBeautiful #FemaleStrength #LovingYourself
    Michele
  17. Michele800226
    I went for a Tactical Survival Techniques course last week.  Before going I was warned that a specific instructor would be harder on me because I'm from his previous station and had harsh words with him.
     
    Yes, I had harsh words with him, but I helped him with things he couldn't do, so would he truly be a dick to me.  And the answer is kinda.
     
    Kinda, because he made me take the biggest tyre and run with it.  My first request was a smaller tyre, he said no and I'd understand later why he said so.  I almost cried because of the pain and the uncomfortability of where the tyre was hanging from on my shoulder.
     
    I am reminding you that I'm only 62kgs (136.7Lbs) at the end of the course.  I started off on 60kgs (132.3Lbs), and 5ft8.  And yes it looked like I lost weight.
     
    It was me and another flower between 12 thorns.  The thorns were protective of us.  Would I survive these guys I thought.  I did, and most were massive blokes close to 100kgs (220Lbs).
     
    Okay, the first day I didnt utilize the bathrooms as I usually avoid bathrooms altogether.  But on the second day we needed to change.  The other rose I told, I don't use male bathrooms as I'm not male, and she was understanding.  After that, I started finding more and more women in the bathroom when I went to change.  The guys that normally have a problem, was so glad probably that I wasn't sharing their space that they just stayed quiet as the women already spoke and declared me part of their clan.  Multiple courses were run at the same time.
     
    On the second day when I couldn't handle my tyre no more, two guys unknown to me still at that time were very supportive and encouraging and within my age group.  (I made it my point to find out who the oldest was and where I fitted in as my body just doesn't function as usual on a course.  The second oldest and the longest service of all the course goers in my group.)
     
    On the third day I became vocal about my phobias as we had to climb on the rooftop and come down like a spider.  Do I look like a spider, I dont think so.
     
    The safety drills and procedures were fed and repeated into my brains and aching muscles, even me utilizing a firearm with my right hand.  Uncomfortable to draw here people, I use my left hand.  (Subsequently got interrogated as to why I only write with my right hand at work.  I am ambidextrous, but too keep coherency I use it like that at work.)
     
    Well, I passed the theoretical section.  And when it came to the physical section, I was inadvertently the leader.  All because of my BIG MOUTH.  My team performed remarkable, and we covered each others asses.
     
    Now, what impressed me most was.  Whenever someone referred to me in a masculine way, they would correct themselves or that person, and refer to me in a feminine way.  They even wanted to learn, which showed that they are attempting to understand because of me.
     
    Well, the whole group passed the course.  Never mind that it was tough, grenades and an assault rifle going off as we had to learn and perform our duties.  Yes the grenades were thrown between us and we had to be super vigilant.
     
    Does this make me a better performer outside in a dangerous scenario.  Oh yes, and I can't wait for the 3week course.  I'm not sleeping by the guys, as I already use female spaces only.  Male spaces are to be naughty and frisky.
     
    Enough rambling, this course was painful yet exciting.  I sustained bruises that looked like I was on the receiving side of an assault.  Would this girl do or go through pain like this again.  Obviously yes.
  18. Michele800226
    Have I ever said I'm one of the numbskulls that don't understand flirting when it's directed at me...  WELL I AM THE WORST KIND IN HISTORY.
     
    Let me start by saying this wasn't my intentions.  Okay, I thing I had a massive undertone of want you.  But I ever said it directly or even partially or remotely in person...  Am I even remotely upset that he found out. Not in the least' so wanted im to be single and focussed on me, oh well NOT YET.
     
    I am kinda disappointed in the fact that I didn't hide all that well.  Maybe this is the year that I'm fedup  with being single, that I cofidently approached him.  So, don't shoot the heart that was looking at a desireable ora.  Can I actually ad to this, uhm yes.  I'm being hunted by some men I don't take as worthy of me.
     
    LOL' now the quality isn't available.
  19. Michele800226

    How come me???

    By Michele800226,

    Hi all
     
    The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink...  I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party.
     
    The first one I would like to address is...
     
    Why did I have to be trans and not cis???
    Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me.  And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside.  Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life.
     
    Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either.  My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life.  Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man.  Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules.  And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago.  Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time.  Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something.  I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used..  Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight.
     
    The second part is...
     
    Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself???
     
    Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton.  But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them.  Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that.  But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth.  Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship.
     
    But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through.
     
    Third thing I want to address is...
     
    Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are?  Is it subjective or objective???
     
    Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me.  And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person.
     
    Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me.
     
    Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say.
     
    Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you.
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Michele
  20. Michele800226
    I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me.

    I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled.

    Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise.

    GYM
    What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never.

    Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights.

    Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this.

    Now going to the Gym...
    This is actually why I started this blog.

    I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then.

    I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof.

    So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention.

    I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous.

    I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with.

    To be clear this is my current stats:
    Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches)
    Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches)
    Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches)
    Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches)
    Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too.

    I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me.

    I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated.

    So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.
  21. Michele800226

    In retrospect

    By Michele800226,

    Good evening all
     
    Yes a retrospective look at what is what...
     
    Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.
     
    So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.
     
    After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.
     
    What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.
     
    Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.
     
    I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.
     
    Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.
     
    XOXOXOXO
    Michele
  22. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Well, yesterday I had an appointment with my GP.  Got there for a routine checkup and mentioned that my right boob is tender too, checked for lumps can't feel anything, but she is now recommending because my boobs are so dense I should go to have them checked out with sonograms.  But yeah they always start about 10 days before my cramps start and that just seems normal to me.  After that she said, welcome to women problems, boobs feeling sore that time of the month and all the bloatedness that follows.
     
    Also need to speak to my mom, but I don't have the energy for that as yet, we might be sitting in a battlefield because of my questions.  Want to find out which hospital she sent me to when I was a week or so old, and retrieve that medical information from there.
     
    Blood works are all in order and I am happy that my results are good, and won't want to change to much, just to go off the blockers.  As it all started me gaining to much fat around my gut after the blockers.
     
    Well, physically I'm in good shape, and not doing to much to put myself in harms way, medically.  And yes, I need to find a new psychologist again.  Will check how this works for me.
     
    Let me get a move on, as I need to get to the boot camp and work on my fitness.  Well, this is what I'm doing so when it comes time for any surgery, to recover as quick as possible.  I will have to look at it in a holistic way.  Fitness for recovery and not to become depressed as fast or have so many fallbacks.
     
    This is basically all I had on my mind, and would like to encourage everyone to go to their medical assistants, no matter if it's a GP, Endocrinologist, Psychologist, or any other specialist you need to see.
     
    Check you all later, and don't be missing me too much.  Might have started the war or talking to my mom.  Yeah, will then have to enquire from the hospital what they can give me, and if they refuse to send it to me, I'll have my GP request the information.
     
    Love and protection
    Michele
  23. Michele800226
    Hi all.
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Not that many days have past since I gave my last update.
     
    Being doing the fitness boot camp as I said, and on Thursday got certificates for attendance.  Wasn't weird that completed it, but then I got the best improved on burpees, lol that was hilarious.  Sat there and thought it was over and here I get called up for another thing.
     
    Well, I had on this confused face and all.  Got up and went in because I somehow without knowing it became a couch as well.  And my surprise is, there were people that have been part of the fitness group for months longer then myself and they still just there.
     
    I know the dumbstruck look doesnt become me, and I should've reacted with a smile, so I went in for a pose to stay, biatches I did it.
     
    What astounds me is the fact it all happened so fast and now my arms are more toned.  By biceps aren't making bulges when relaxed, but I got this girly amount of upper arms.  My abs are also feeling tighter, but not as tight as it was before.  My legs are the same and lucky for me, not sticks.
     
    Emotionally I'm definitely doing better, seeing that all the dates I despise are gone now.  Still miss my rock (dad) to bits and pieces.  Still avoiding the scolding eyes and voice of my mom, who decided she needs to try and call me to wish me.  Madam you know better then that.
     
    I could also see that my oldest sister felt like crap for not being invited to my younger sister's 40th birthday party.  Do I care that I wasn't invited, not the least.  Seeing that she is part of the entourage that doesn't want me to transition at all and that include the other Ice Queen (mother) and her followers my sister and brother in the center.  My brother is trying to accept it, but only because his wife and in laws are giving him crap about it.  And probably when he tells me danger, I'm the first to appear at his doorstep.  Or it might be my personality.  Then my mom is the youngest from her siblings, and constantly get chowed by her sisters, seeing that her gay brother is gone and they somehow had to learn understanding as children, but is it because I'm defiant, well I don't care that much as I cut myself off when she couldn't handle comforting me when she sneaked in and perused my diary to find out I tried to fight off an attacker (well there is always someone stronger then you) that raped and tried to kill me on my 16th birthday.  Yes, 20 years back and the only thing she could think of was to ground me.  As if I listened and continued on my merry way. (Pity definitely not wanted, it was 20 years ago and I can't think of how I'd be if that never happened.  Yes funny how and ordeal can change a persons perspective on life, or just enhance it that you feel even more obligated to believe in your beliefs, and stand for what you always stood.
     
    I regret not starting earlier, because my doctors weren't as helpful as they could be, even though my ex GP confessed that he knew ever since I came there for my first checkup as a teenager.  But he didn't feel it was his place, because my mother is so conservative and seeing that she is his patient, which almost stung.  But hey I could see her supporter group growing, and mine dwindling until I stepped out and said F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)ck my world and the pricks living in it, because I'm part of the trans movement.  I'm a strong woman as my dad would see me.
     
    Now, my strength can't be taken away from me, because I'm the ruler of my domain.
     
    I need to run and cut this short, seeing that I have a meeting.  Yes, it's with a guy, and no!!! It's not a romantic date.
     
    Cheer for now.
    Michele
     
    PS. Some pics of me dying my hair, 2 with lip gloss and without.  Enjoy




  24. Michele800226

    Just a quicky

    By Michele800226,

    Good evening everyone
     
    Not a big thing, I'm going in on Tuesday for an operation to remove my lump.  So far no sign of imminent danger, so relieved to an extent, but will be happier on Tuesday 2016-08-16 when it is removed.
     
    So not all smile, but some sort of smile and a grin after having a bowl of comfort food.  Can't beat chocmint ice cream.  For once a male doc that wants to learn more.
     
    Here's to queer cheers, hell whatever kind of cheers you want to give works.
     
    Oooh was told by my non biological child, he loves my laugh.  I'm talking about my ugly laugh, and he says it sounds like I can be the villain in the movies.
     
    Good night my sweets.
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Oooh loads of motivation to keep on with your desires to fulfill your dreams.  Hey, can't just the bearer of bad, semi good news.  If I can be strong, so can you, and if you don't have the strength, just lean on me and I'll carry you to safety...
    Xoxoxoxoxoxo
    Michele
  25. Michele800226
    I never thought of it like this...
     
    Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"
     
    So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.
     
    So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.
     
    Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.
     
    Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.
     
    I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.
     
    Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.
     
    Cheers, stay safe and love life.
    Michele H
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