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Michele800226

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Blog Entries posted by Michele800226

  1. Michele800226
    Hi there
     
    Blessed be to all.
     
    As I start off thinking about myself, I know if I could change anything about myself, it would be:
    My gender by protecting myself from having to experience gender specific issues the world have, Keep my height and weight Be fit and limber, a perfectionist when it comes to kungfu, tai chi, tae kwan do, and numerous other martial arts formforms Speak language I stil understand and more, German, Dutch, Italian, French, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Hindi, Urdu.  Okay just be a linguist that catches languages in mere minutes, but be as fluent in Afrikaans and English ooh and make that Xhosa, Zulu, Pedi, Tswana.  Not that I'm not fluent in Afrikaans (kinda suck at it, but still have a better understanding then most people), and more so in English. (Okay my first language was Afrikaans, but as the business language changed in South Africa, so I began speaking, reading, and writing much less and in some cases I just stopped.) Okay, my list is much longer but I don't want to keep typing in 5 or 6 hours just to be busy with what I would change, but in te end if I changed anything in my past I wouldn't be the same Michele Heynes that I am today.
     
    I am
    Tall (5'8¼) 1.74m Slender enough (140Lbs) 63kgs, yes fattish if you talk about a model Speak, read and write in Afrikaans and English more then proficiently.  Speak mixed up in German and Dutch, and understand on a basic level, speaker screwed up in Mandarin and Xhosa, more so Mandarin then Xhosa, mixing Xhosa and English and I'm proficient on a basic understanding levelevel Hazelnut colored eyes Know I'm originally intersexed, but will rather just be me Know my weapons and cars Not afraid to die, death becomes us all, but not before I used my punani. The point I'm trying to make is this easy...
     
    We all are unique individuals, our own strengths and weaknesses, desires and fears.  By accepting the struggles we had to endure even if it almost took a lifetime for some to maintain or gain the confidence to soldier in and be true to ourselves.  Like Jazz who was fortunate enough to present as female from a young age.  Kaitlyn on the other side of the spectrum that waited to be true to herself very late in life.  Or life me that would verbalize what I was feeling and have always been true to myself but knew for he kind of work I wanted to do, I knew the struggles would inadvertently only allowing me to start transition in my early 30s and keeping a fight I never thought I would have to endure.  Oh well, the fight was as I expected unpredictable and unnerving.  My humanity was questioned as selfpreservation kicked in and an analytical bitch with fighting and research capabilities.
     
    So even if you wished you could've change the past, leave it as is, because we never will be the same for the actions we changed in our past.
     
    Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
     
    Be who you need to be and forget about the past you wishing to change, as it would inevitably leave a person in your wake that no one can think off or would want to be at any hotel or between people of interest
    Cheers
    Michele​
  2. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    I know, it's all part of the transition.  But does laser hair removal have to sting this much???
     
    Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago.  Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand.  It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck.  It is still like a little blotch I've here and there.  I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back.  Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up.  But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough).  Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away.
     
    So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live.  Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one.
     
    I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man.  Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife.
     
    I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated.
     
    I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon.  But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people.  Yes I'm shy to the max.
     
    What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face?
     
    It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer.  Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not.

     
    Be safe and look after yourselves ladies.
     
    Big hugs and smooches
    Michele
  4. Michele800226
    Even people.
     
    Clearly this is a clothes issue.  Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.
     
    Not a problem buying.  No women can't tell me how a shop or card works.  Todays issue is getting in my clothes.
     
    As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight.  Not the case.  Weird right.
     
    Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum.  My lady humps were in the way of my jeans.  I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants.  Was me this morning.
     
    Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back.  Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.
     
    Do you want to know a secret...   After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too.  I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see.  My ass are illusionist.
     
     
    So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows.  My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with.  I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.
     
    Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in.  Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).
     
    So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.
     
     
    I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too?  I don't think so...
     
    As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again.  They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom.  Oh freaken hell no.  My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back.  Old fashioned, but hey its me.  Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.
     
    Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.
     
    Cheers from South Africa.
  5. Michele800226
    Hi there
     
    I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl.
     
    The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed.
     
    Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself.  And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side.
     
    Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve.
     
    Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks.
    Bid you goodnight for now.
    Michele J Heynes
  6. Michele800226

    Life Continues

    By Michele800226,

    Good day
     
    Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
     
    Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season.  May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
     
    I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned...  But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
     
    I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again.  So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
     
    Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
     
    Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get.  And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do.  How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change.  I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID.  But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
     
    So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
     
    I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand.  Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall.  Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
     
    What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
     
    Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards.  Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
     
    Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs.  Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous.  Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing.  Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
     
    Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
     
    Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are.  I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
    Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew.  Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly.  Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life.  He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
     
    So be safe and enjoy the festive season.  I will be watching over those of you close to me.
     
    Kind loving hearts blossom
    Friends, family and loves
    We gather in a time of giving
    Not the giving of presents
    But the giving of hearts
    We are all here
    Not just waiting, but
    Fighting for what we were taught
    The teachings of what is right and wrong
    And I guess, that we have finally started believing
    Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
    So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
     
    Cheers
    Michele
  7. Michele800226
    Hi there everybody
     
    Can't say that it's been a long time, but I've been busy and attempting to get this done for a while now.
     
    So I recently got my medical aid bill, and low and behold i underwent radiology for the week I was in hospital without me knowing.  I know precisely which drip it was in after thought, but still I like my doctors to be open to me because that is what I do.  If I wasn't open, I would've let them put me with the guys, and never have told the medical staff I was transgender in the first place.  And in retro spec, I assume I would've gone under the knife.  Idiot and I would've been capable of going on lower doses of medication.  But then again I believe the best medical treatment can only be given if your doctor have all the necessary information, of which I could determine that he was transphobic and still a good doctor, that at least put his prejudice aside to treat me.
     
    Got back to work 2 weeks later still feeling under the weather and in so much pain, seeing that the infection was from my abdomen to my crotch area, and effected my balance and core strength.  Being tender and weak for literally and figuratively 6 weeks.  Yes, I finally felt how everyone else felt, vulnerable.  But I faked it through that timeframe to look strong.  Went though a week of crying at work, because pressure I normally could handle, but hey it seemed like all the strong women were vulnerable that week, so I was not alone.
     
    An instruction came that we must only wear uniform from now on, and it came before I was ready to wear a firearm.  So to my dismay, I had to fake being stronger even more to keep people at bay.  Yeah, no incidents, or so I thought.  Got asked to drop something and there I drive into a fight with knives wearing uniform and in a marked vehicle, so couldn't even attempt to keep myself safe by leaving it alone.  I did the only thing I could think of to safeguard me and the passenger (a clerk), use my weapon only to stop the fight and make those men drop their knives before they reach us as a way to get the upper hand.  Situation defused, and I carried on.  And yes, the though went through my head, what if I had to shoot one or both of the men.  And the other thought that was spinning in my head wasn't just our safe or taking them out fast when the situation asks for it, but I can't look weak in the face of danger.  The one thing I appreciated was the clerk with me had reservist training, so also knew how to deal with the situation, although she hasn't been in the field for a long time, and it seems where firearms are drawn or I need to act she is almost always with me.  And it always happens in a ganster ridden area, I am only driving with her in calm areas from now on.
     
    Then I had a make-upless day two weeks ago and the wet hair picture attached was that day.  The others were taken basically a week later while I was waiting on someone to return.
     
    I also found out the woman I thought was quiet, is actually rude, and brings out my defenses and I had to put her on her place once in a shouting match.  But now, I get the evil eye from her and I just pretend she is a bad demon that is trying to get back into this realm to wreak havoc on earth, as she was vanquished previously.  And my answer to her questions will always be negative for her, because I can't help evil in any way or form.
     
    I'm also laughing at my kids, not biological at all.  But last night the 14 year old runs up to me asking how his other mother is doing.  Shame, he definitely have too many mother.  Two extra this side, one where he lived the most of his life, and a multitude of grandparents.  I was told I have to many fathers for my children, and I said, "No way, I only have one man with two children, not a different daddy for each child."
     
    So we have caught up from where I last said I was admitted to hospital to now.
     
    Ps.  I needs to release from frustrations and almost threw the one guy off the back of a bakkies (South African term for a pick-up truck) while flinging tyres at him.  But he was understanding and told me, I should've warned him that my body was still sore on the inside and he would've moved the 24 tyres on his own.
     
    I bid you farewell for now.  Have a peaceful time, and remember, safety in number.  Be safe, secure, and love yourself because if you can't appreciate yourself, others will find it hard to find you worthy, even though you are all perfectly imperfect just like me.   Who wants to be perfectly perfect, not me!!!
     
    Lots of love and hugs
    Michele​








  8. Michele800226

    Looking back

    By Michele800226,

    Hi all
     
    Something I wanted to post last year, 2015-09-11.  Yes September 11th.
     
    Oh and I never got in anything less then shorts.  I called this my short untamed hair phase.  Just saying, and I hope my voice isn't that bad, but hey, I'm all Michele nothing else or less.  And that makes the content of this blog a video recording.  So is this a vlog or a blog?
     
    Cheers for now
    Lots of hugs
    Michele
    VID_20150911 Nothing but female.3gp
  9. Michele800226
    Made a date to massage a friend.  Well that was easy as I owed him, and all the latest people I have met, I haven't as yet disclosed to that I'm trans and pre op.
     
    His options were as I gave were:
    Deep muscle massage;
    Normal massage; or
    Uhm massage.
     
    Without him knowing the uhm is a kinky massage, he chose it as a super deep muscle massage where he would moan, and were we moaning.
     
    Got to his place.  He is a little bit shorter then me, and I like him.  Got my hug, and my usual spot was taken by work waiting to be reviewed by him.  So I sat next to him.  My hair ended up a mess as I rested my head on his stomach.  Got a sort of strip dance and I liked the none muscular body he has.  He is a runner.  I mentioned that we should probably proceed with the massage, and up the stairs to the best spot, his bedroom.
     
    Here is where it gets interesting.
     
    I gave him a deep muscle massage with me fully clothed and him covered with underwear only...  I got him to moan and his uhm, umtondos (Xhosa word for penis) show'd signs of enjoyment.  I just continued with the massage, until I was grabbed and kissed.  Knees were weakened and my resistance were failing after my top and bra were removed.  He voiced concerns of me being oiled in the process.
     
    Now somewhere in between the massage and making out I didn't want him to stop, but I couldn't work out even how to allow my brain and mouth to have the discussion, making me flustered as hell and I was later informed possibly intimidated by a friend whom knows both of us for over a decade each.  But the two of us only met in the year and we never had this discussion, just had wonderful conversations.  With me struggling to talk about my gender, a first for me.  I couldn't stop the make out session, not that I wanted it to stop or his hands all over my body, we had to remind us that he needs to sleep and me in his bed, will cause both of us not to sleep.  Why did I start something I don't want to stop?
     
    And I end off with a question posed to my friend.  How the hell do I have this discussion, about the metamorphosis of my body, seeing that I'm still in the cocoon?  All I know is, this will have to be discussed as I might have entangled myself in his snare.  And he is a yummy snare I can see myself involved with.
  11. Michele800226

    Medical Week

    By Michele800226,

    Tuesday came, and it was the last day of January by that.  Left work early, and got to the endocrinologist.  Marli had her normal  checks and we spoke.  But what made me zone out was, here is a referral, you need to go for a mammogram.  Lucky we already went through the blood works that I took on the previous Friday.
     
    I got to work the next day, as the blood works is showing signs of cholesterol and that my testosterone levels are higher.  Normal male ranges but still half of what I started out on before HRT.  Some other readings also messed about.  But I should say, 6 months earlier we dropped my blocker dosage to half what I was using because of the potassium resistance my body was experiencing.
     
    Thursday on Feb 2, I went for the mammogram.  Yes, I was anxious, nervous, scared, all the crying emotions were all collected in my body.  Even the with drawn little girl.  My friend had my car and forgot that I had an appointment so I was taken by a colleague who lives in the area of the hospital.  Told him to meet me there or all hell will be directed at him.
     
    Came out of hospital and to in my car, looking as if some dog has taken my good and ran away.  Just teary eyed, unresponsive and clutching my results.  Normally by this point my results would be opened and checked by myself, but because this wasn't a Michele request it was scaring the living daylights out of meArarat.
     
    Friday came and went and still I'm refusing to read the results.  Saturday also comes and goes, and as I arrived home around 00:00 this morning.  I decided to sit myself down and force myself to read it as this moping around for a forced test is just bull.  Read it so slow, and once done, realize but the results says everything is normal, I just have a dense pair.
     
    Thus relieved I decide I can go sleep.  So my last week ended in me stressing for sweet nothing.
  12. Michele800226
    Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes.  I still hope that everyone is doing well.
     
    One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon.  Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time.
     
    I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone.  Bruises and swelling from my face to neck.  Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation.  I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution.
     
    I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared.  Drums please!!!  I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise.  This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim.  The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam.  Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found".  Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches.
     
    Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now.
     
    I also joined a fitness boot camp.  May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies.
     
    Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A.  The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do.
     
    Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside.  Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face.
     
    Now you are all caught up in my life.  So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns.
     
    Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves.  I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls.
     
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Michele
  13. Michele800226
    Okay, on day one I was exhausted and still went to the gym.
     
    This week I managed to go to the gym 3 days with my friend.  One I couldn't go because I had to attend to a work function.
     
    What I noticed on Wednesday was.  Meeting day is a crappy day to be at the station.  I should thank the heavens that I wasn't put in charge of typing the minutes as well.  I hate doing minutes.
     
    I had to sit in some meeting that was super boring.  And another where I call it a crap out parade.  Shame this one Captain just seems to not be in the good books at all.
     
    On a brighter note.  My Colonel is back, after having a triple bypass and I would have told him to stay at home seeing that the wounds have not as yet all healed, and he developed some infections.  But how can you tell a workaholic to stay away from work, if that is one of the things that is making him sick and depressed.  So when he says I must drive him somewhere, I just get a vehicle and drive him.
     
    I think he is more open about things with me as I am open about myself with him.  After he was informed that I dated, he initially jumped to a time I dated someone around the corner from his house, whom was also in the police at that time and abusive.  I should be glad that I didn't tell him that ex is in jail now, or he would've blown a gasket.  In that breakup I need the protection of my Colonel to make certain that that guy stay away from me.  He showed how protective he can be over me and then his friend the commander of that person also had to intervene, because I didn't realize I was dating a psycho, until he became abusive to the extent of punching me a few times and going for a firearm to quiet me up, because no amount of hitting me can make me go quiet.  Actually I defended myself, but couldn't get to my phone for help to arrive.  I should say, fortunately for me, I had my firearm on me that day, or things would've been different.  What I mean by that, I would've been shot, if I didn't have my unique place of pointing a firearm to make any CIS or Transgender Male drop their weapons in fear of losing their little guy.  I walked out and as I drove off that day I called to say, don't bother calling me or trying to see me, no person threatens my life or hits me to return into my life without being an arrested suspect.
     
    Long story short, I need to run.  Just got an urgent call.  Will continue on this later.
  14. Michele800226
    Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand.

    I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs.

    The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced.

    Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety.

    I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe.

    For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do...

    I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community.

    The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor.

    I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society.

    Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.
  15. Michele800226
    Hi everyone
     
    Let me say this.  Ouch is literally currently happening to me.  I got this sharp pain yesterday in my abdominal region and this morning it extended it's range to my crotch area.  So ouch stand for pain and bleeding, that I think I can handle till later, but will definitely go to the doc tomorrow.  Okay, I'm also guessing that I'm postponing getting medical attention so I can possibly get the results I desire.
     
    What I can say is, don't do what I do, because it can result in a dangerous zone of life.  So I'm hoping it doesn't effect me so much that I can't move tomorrow.
     
    When I finally learn to be afraid I can most probably learn the vulnerability of the rest of humanity.  Have I mentioned that I got a repeated dream during the week where I inadvertently got kidnapped, not because I couldn't fight the men, but them pointing the kids with firearms and I couldn't stand for them being injured all because of me.  On the better side, in the dreams just before waking up I always got my GRS and the last 2 got saved by a man I respect and yes the kids that were with me before the kidnappings, one of whom was his oldest boy.
     
    So this was my week, dreams with a hint of nightmare and this pain-distention-bleeding and I'm truly just me the one you can say is doing it the way I should.
     
    Cheers for tonight.
    Be free and allow the world to love you the way we deserve to be loved
     
    Hugs
    Michele
  16. Michele800226

    PMS once more

    By Michele800226,

    Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.
     
    For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.
     
    What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.
     
    What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.
     
    Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.
     
    My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.
     
    No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.
     
    I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.
     
    Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.
     
    To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.
     
    Cheers for now
    Michele with love
  17. Michele800226

    Popularity changes

    By Michele800226,

    Good day all
     
    Okay, don't be all flustered and think that it changed my attitude to the world, it didn't, I'm just pointing out what I did, and somehow I am still getting people following me and hitting on me.  What I did I don't actually know.  But this is the steps that I took.  Maybe it was a form of liberation, but it was definitely a way to say, look at me and be certain that I am human and not going anywhere.
     
    In a recent Facebook entry I made I wrote:
     
    My bio
    * 36 years old
    * police official with sergeant rank
    * from South Africa, born and raised as a Capetonian, and lived for a while in Johannesburg before moving back
    * 1.74m (5'8&1/4") tall
    * 64kg (145Lbs)
    * naturally dark brown hair, but currently dyed
    * love; cars, sushi, pizza, salads, firearms (actually weapons), sleep, fighting styles (martial arts, boxing, kick boxing)
    * no children, but also not planning on any in my near future
    * Gender: transgender female (even if I'm intersex, just my gender identity still)
    * Sexuality: Multiple classification (A-sexual and to a degree hetero sexual)
    * marital : not married, and never planning to take that step.;=
    * friends: usually close knit, and mixture between male and female
    life goals : career and gender equality and understanding (transgender rights - activism), writing
     
    This is but a small part of me and the rest I normally open up with as time goes by.  I hate dishonesty, but I know a white lie has its place and time.
     
    Whomever has a problem with me being so frank about myself, they can up and delete themselves.
     
    Oh, if I don't request to see you naked, it is clear I don't want to see you naked.  And my facebook is for the facilitation of platonic relationships, and that does mean that other things can come, but platonic it will be unless mutually agreed upon for something else.
     
    I don't say, fear me, as I am human.  But I also don't say try to take me for a fool, because I will know and when I let the steam out to warn you enough is enough you definitely won't like me.  As nails, teeth, fangs (I've been asked if I had them put in to look like a vampire at times), fist, open hand, feet, knees, elbows, thighs, oh just my whole body will be used to throw that train off its tracks into a raging ocean.
     
    My love for cars, doesn't mean I need to drive a V8 Ford Mustang, V10 Audi R8, Mercedes AMG (so many to choose C63 AMG would do).  So I drive what fits my personality and pocket, even if it doesn't look like a vehicle someone else would buy, don't try and influence me, you not my father who knew my likes and dislikes more, and also knew that I'm more of a head then heart purchaser.
     
    Wheat I don in life I do to make me proud and that of what my father instilled in me.  To be true to myself, as I know he is watching his baby's every move.
     
    This will upset some that I'm open about myself, but that clearly doesn't put others in my shoes, as mine is a unique size 6 just for me.
     
    Ps.  I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE READ BIO's BEFORE SENDING REQUEST.  NOW THIS IS A POST INTRODUCTION, SEEING THAT SOME NEGLECTED TO ACTUALLY READ IT IF THEY HAVEN'T KNOWN THIS ABOUT ME.
     
    In one I got 66 likes, and 42 positive answers, the other 30 likes and 3 comments that were positive.  I'm definitely not saying that any of you should be as blunt as me, because, I know that I am unique with similar experiences at different times, or just totally different experiences emphasizing my uniqueness.  But seeing that I'm not looking for a  relationship that is more then platonic, I thought this was a way to let the people around me understand that this is me, and gave them enough time to think about what I said and delete themselves from my profile.  I definitely don't have a problem facing the war head on, because that means the understanding of who we are, are just that much easier.  And coming from a person that isn't a high profile it amounts to a lot.  With that said, my profile increased with over 2000 people in the last 3 weeks, making me feel like it is the best time to start taking on the world on my profile to make them understand the truth.  I just haven't figured out how to properly introduce it to them, but I went to a 16 days of activism, which was directed more to the women and children, somehow the bullying part came in and they noticed that I'm not absentminded or even afraid, and I mentioned that I was bullied by my commander for being transgender, but they also knew that I am in the police as I was introduced on my rank.  I showed that I had to overcome adversity by striking back in the best way I knew how and the only way that the bully would stop, and they looked at me asking how someone that's in the police can be bullied is just wrong.  I had to say, bullies are everywhere, but I knew that my bully whom was much shorter and skinnier then myself was my bully.  And you would see that they take on strong people that doesn't like to react, because in this case she was trying to get me to physically assault her to work me out of the police.  Which I didn't fall for, so I hit her where it hurts the most, her pocket.
     
    I wish you all a splendid week and yes, I am back at work and loving some of the time.  Others I just want to stink bomb some offices.  If I don't write something closer to Christmas, I wish you all a happy festive season, and love yourself, because that is the biggest gift you can give yourself, because not even GRS, HRT or any of the other surgeries are going to make you appreciate and love you, if you don't do it for yourself.  I might make you feel closer to human then what you are feeling, but it will never make you feel complete.
     
     
    Love and Hugs
    Michele
     
  18. Michele800226
    Good Evening
     
    Operation day was 7 March 2017.
     
    Well, no more Estrogen and no more Testosterone development for me, as no more testicles or ovaries for me.
     
    Which was brought on 11 months prior when I developed, make that discovered growth, got admitted to hospital for chemotherapy which made me so sick that I lost 12kgs (+-26Lbs), and the 7 months ago removing the growths as the original doctor decided to be a hostile transphobic fool, and the younger surgeon with a newer practice was trans-friendly.  Because I know the likelihood of growths return every few years.
     
    Well, today I am feeling better then what I felt in the first week where I developed a hematoma, and the 2nd Saturday I woke up early and thought I needed the bathroom, but when I got there it was to find that I was bleeding.
    Preemptively I bought sanitary towels for the bleeding.  And it saved me from having bloody underwear, clothes or bedding.  I just had that Saturday where the bleeding overflowed the pads.  And with the first overflow I uttered profanity and a friend that slept over jumped up and ran to me to check on me.  Told him, everything is fine, and seeing that it was 02:00am as I got back into bed told him that I'm bleeding excessively, but not enough for me to warrant me to go to hospital.  For the rest of that day I was cursing as the blood kept on overflowing and smudging and staining my underwear with blood.
     
    I was so drugged on pain medication most of the first 2 weeks that I the 2 nights I went to bed unprepared with a lack of pain meds in my system I woke up crying in pain, and that was all duing the first week.  I learnt that my hot water bottle was my best friend as it helped subdue the pain as it was mostly abdominal pain.
     
    Currently I'm doing better and had a doctors appointment on Thursday where I was told the hematoma looks like it will take another 2 months to recover and I requested a medical letter putting me on light duties when returning to work the duration the hematoma for recovery.
     
    The statement made at the last doctors appointment for the checkup.  Michele you know you can't have any biological children anymore, the procedure was irreversible.  I looked at him asking.  What would you have done.  A growth once means I'll be plagued with growth every few years, and I dont want to go through that again. And the Testosterone blocker Spiranolactine that I was using and at the dosage required by my body to stop the development of Testosterone in my body would put my kidneys and liver at risk of failure in the next year to three, by which time I would love to have done te GRS but in the unlikely event that I will struggle to get the GRS done then I safe myself the heartache of my organs failing.  He looked at me saying, you one of the few patients a doctor gets that know the pros and the cons of the procedures done.  And I wsh you all the luck.  We ended our discussion and I gave him te statistics of the quality of medical expertise versus the cost in South Africa versus Thailand.  3 to 5 times less experience and the quality but the expenses are 3 almost 4 times more expensive.
     
    So have the best intentions of doctors that I personally selected. I like their service with a smile and knowing that each patient is an individual.
     
    Love life.  Respect all.
     
    Hugs.  Kisses
     
    Cheers
    Michele
  19. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    As always non cryptic headings.
     
     
    This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice.  Results were good and I didn't fear any of it.
     
    Now last night, not as per usual.  But with usual actions led me to self examination.  Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night.  Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too.  Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa.
     
    Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape.  No fears right, none at all.  So off to bed I went.
     
    Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious.
     
    I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here.  So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people.  And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties.  I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone.
     
    I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too...
     
     
    Cheers for now
    Lots of hugs
    Michele
  20. Michele800226

    Some opinions

    By Michele800226,

    I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing.  But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please.  I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries.
     
    I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog.  This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself.  Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction.
     
    What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have...  Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them.  Just how many police initiated arrest you performed.  So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what...  One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none.  It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested.
     
    So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way.  I didn't have a cycle.
     
    I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others.  NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival.
     
    Now, you know what.  I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair.  My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female.  I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian.
     
    Again a butch lesbian, I am told.  Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said.  I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed.  He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away.
     
    Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life.
     
    I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack.  But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing.  Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world.  Will and can never hurt me.
     
    Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now.  Be safe and take care of yourself.
     
    Love and protection from Michele H
     
    Ps...  Question, how do you view this???  My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day???  Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me.  It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday.  I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him.  I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.
  21. Michele800226
    Hi there all
     
    So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month.  But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding.  And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack.  So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time.  But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever.
     
    Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year.  Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does.  But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool.  What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home.  Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person.  Ps...  by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person.
     
    I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles.  But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles.  That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day.  But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session.
     
    Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach.  And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own.  I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00.  And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00.  So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away.  Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach.  So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space.
     
    What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it.  But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance.  Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends.  But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse.  Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him.  He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious.  Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic.
     
    Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here.
     
    Cheers my lovelies
    Michele
  22. Michele800226
    Hi there all
     
    I know that I am attempting to be online at the very least once a week.
     
    This Sunday I have the sensation that I need to talk about the past week.  Yes, I know I ventured into it.  But the avenues that I haven't entered were a few more than the pooptis I was talking about earlier.  But as a recourse I think I need to vocalize and read what I know and what I can do.
     
    First thing first.  I was told by my overall commander that I must drag him to court, and this time not just demand that he leave the police, but go after his pension.  Of which I'm not comfortable to do.  But she called him in and informed him what the law states including what legal services stated.  She became the protective mother and informing him that she would work him out of the police before he can end his next 2 years before going on pension.
     
    Court cases are a drag...  A real drag.
     
    Legally the police needs to implement what the constitution states.  And only looking at one of the South African Constitutional Acts - Act 18.  Where it already states that no discrimination is allowed.  No matter if it is sexuality, gender or a combination of the 2.  No employer or supervisor has the right to discriminate against you because of this.  You have your freedom of expression, identification and this makes for independently individual persons.  Yes I also know, that it doesn't just take for acts in the Constitution or other law books for something to be implemented, but it is a start and it tells you the grounds you have to stand on.
     
    This week, I'll make an appointment with the EHW (psychological or interpersonal assistance group in the police), and legal services.  Just to see if they would want to take up where I in this instance don't want to.  And in return if they do the fight, I'll just do the talks and see if I get pulled in for the assistance that other LGBTIQA, yes and others.  Well, I like that the description for persons have grown, but I'm beginning to become confused here in the sequence.  Okay, I also know that in the sequence once you associate with a group that one automatically moves to the front for you, but when you type it out, you always start with the sexual orientation.  Yes, I fall under the gender descriptive.
     
    I think I just need to internalize this to see if I have fight left for this man or if I don't.  I definitely have fight left.  I just fear that this will destroy a career of almost 30 years and put me in the limelight of fighting superiors.  I don't have a problem being in that spotlight, but if it is for fighter of equality.  Then yes, that is all I want, everyone to be equal.  But how will this effect my career.  Will it fast track, normal pace (this is already a slow track for today's terms), or get slow tracked because I have targeted seniors that are discriminatory.  Yes, I am looking at the recourse's that others will have against me because I am attacking their friend for equality.
     
    Not only does me fighting back place my career in a snare that could catapult me on anything from a fast track to non existent career enhancement track.  But it could also effect my friends and person's of interest (family) or lover.  Now can I do this to people I care about or does 2 years of an idiot sound like a walk in the park.  I just don't want to end up in hospital for mentally breaking down.  I know, nobody is strong enough to cope with life's dealing, and everyone needs that energy boost to continue.
     
    So now I'm thinking.  Will this be what they can handle.  Because if they are going to be in sight of the attacks, I most definitely will start fighting with other rules a lady doesn't look at.  I'll still keep within the framework of the law, but I will be hitting below the belt till it bleeds and I am certain I made his favorite friend infertile, and hopefully also effected the capabilities of hoisting a pole because I was the storm that smashed it into pieces.
     
    So my thinking cap is on and I know I can't let him do this to me.  So, clean fight, till he fights dirty and then I go legal dirty like rolling in the mud, not hiding razors in the mud.
     
    So as I'm saying goodbye, it feels to me that I am going to take on this fight with a degree of hesitation.  I'm not the bitch they making me out to be, I'm not the bitch.  But I can become the bitch in the fight when required.
     
    This thinking is exhausting me mentally as I need to think of the approach and which line of defense I am taking, then which alternatives are in play to counter any attacks he might throw my way.
     
    Hugs, Kisses, and cheers
    Michele
     
    Ps. Any view point other then mine would be appreciated. 
     
    Pss.  I also know, if I don't fight back, then someone with no ability to fight back might be caught in the firing line and I will in the end have to come to that persons rescue, so why not just jump in already and stop it before it can continue.
     
     
    Michele out.
     
    Psss.  Checking my tablet out, that was keeping online.  This laptop scenario isn't what I had in mind.
  23. Michele800226

    Tears I shed

    By Michele800226,

    Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.
     
    Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.
     
    Now for my tears...
     
    I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.
     
    I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.
     
    Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  
     
    But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.
     
    The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.
     
    Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.
     
    Michele is out......
  24. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Yesterday Monday 2016-06-13 at between 02:45 and 03:00 another police officer friend of mine was gunned down.  I know that some of you will be telling me to look after myself and be safe outside, but then I can think of this to say, if it is my time to die, no matter what I do and where I go, I will die.  So I prefer to face everything head on so I know, I went out the way I lived and believed in, my way.
     
    Yesterday's guy was on police college with me and at the interim police station before college.  So we grew close and hugged as a greeting and made as if we kissed to freak the hell out of people sometimes.  He was a soft soul, that I respected, adored, would protect with my life, and could trust with my life.  He was one of those police members that almost never lost his temper, and would do what it takes and usually went above and beyond the call of duty.
     
    What saddened me was that I went to take keys to the scene 6 almost 7 hours later and unbeknown to me he was still lying on the ground where they gunned him down.  Something in me told me not to go closer and just leave the key with one of the seniors and went back to the station.  When I drove by another 6 to 7 hours later they were still busy with the scene and only 2 and half three hours prior to that removed his body from the scene and he laid there for 10-11 hours before they were allowed to move him.
     
    As I'm typing this to commemorate the life of a friend Mthetho Sandla, my tears are welling up, as I will never get to hold him in my arms, smell him, see him in front of me, or laugh with him.
     
    Okay in all the good he did, I should probably say this, mention one thing where you could see how much I cared for him.  Last year while I was still on the shift, I was called in by the ladies on my shift, because Mthetho was in a predicament and being arrested for drunken driving with a traffic officer.  I got to the station, asked if I may speak to him, and asked how he was doing?  He just laughed and said he is alright.  I asked why and how he was arrested?  He had some drinks and his fiance instructed him to fetch her, even after he told her that he had something to drink and don't want to drive.  She became insistent and forced him to fetch her, where he was pulled off in the area and got arrested.  I went inside to ask the Warrant Officer whom was writing the books to sort him out, because he can't go in the sells where he has arrested so many people before.  The Captain of my shift was out and when he heard about it he also came in and heard me begging for Mthetho's safety.  When the Warrant insisted he could do nothing, I told him to if he can't do something, I will and I won't go out until this is sorted out.  (In South Africa if a government official was locked up for drunken driving we are allowed to give them a free bail and warn them to appear in court the first court date that comes after that, but certain police, traffic, metro will let that person lie in the sells because they aren't nice.  I'm not saying that police will be released when they committed murder, rape or anything like that.  But had a glass or two too many.)  I processed him like any other criminal and he was laughing all the way, telling me that as a student I was always the suspect and always got inked up, it only seems fair that he feels how it feels to be inked up.  The charging was done and I wrote out the police bail for him and my Captain signed because no one else wanted to, and my rank wasn't high enough at the time, but I was willing to take the punch for a person I knew wouldn't ever be locked up for committing a robbery, murder or rape.  He was looking for his car keys and told me to give to him as he sobered up enough to be under limit.  I told him, I charged you, I released you, and I love and respect you to much to let you drive home, because I can tell him with all honesty that the traffic were informed where you living and are covering all routes there.  I will either go home after my shift ends unless he promises to stay home on our friendship, and for the first time in his life he allowed me to drive the vehicle home, where I parked it and he went inside.  Yes, I kept the key in case his fiance called again, as I knew he needed to sleep and handed the keys over to her during the day.
     
    I know this sounds like I got the back of my friends, but if I know they don't drive like that and it was because they were forced, I will help them.  And I believe that no peace officer (traffic, metro, correctional, police, ens) should be placed in a sell where they might just end up with the person they arrested or could be killed in there, so I have a soft spot for all people.  And when I know that they aren't a threat or I know where and how to find them.  So I didn't just do this for a friend, but a guy that was nice when he didn't notice he knew me, and the previous times he saw me he was reprimanding me for nothing.  After that he said he will never be that way again... I haven't checked if he remembered me, but should.  When someone at work said but they can't release him because they can't verify anything of him.  I came forth and said, he works there, he asked me how I knew, and I told him he was shouting at me when he saw me the first time and subsequently seemed to dislike.  He said, he never actually looked who it was, when I described my car to him, he remembered the incident well and that was that.
     
    Mthetho, in all the years I've known you (beginning of January 2005, 10th of Jan we went to college), you never disrespected me, showed me the caring and loving side of you.  I can't forget you, and I love how you were a part of my life and made it that much richer.  Don't worry about the tears in my eyes babez, it isn't just tears of sadness, but tears sent into the universe to spread the news that an angel has been set free to grace the world of his mercy as God would want it to be.  And don't think that it will get easier, I will just learn how to deal with the sorrow and the pain.  Mthetho say hello to Luntu, and my father from me.  Even though I know they are reading this message with you as I am saying.
     
    Lots of LOVE, RESPECT AND ADORATION FOR A FRIEND I CAN'T AND WON'T REPLACE, BOTH YOU AND LUNTU ARE ON MY MIND.'
     
    Daddy I still speak of you to people, miss you too.  Love you so much.
     
    I think I typed more the enough to remember Mthetho.
     
    Luntu, I will never forget us sharing smileys, we had a lot a food we shared.  You told me I'm black on the inside and white on the outside.  I remember how I got beaten in a fight and you also couldn't handle the guy, but the blows you guys gave made me fly, and in the end it took both of us to get the suspect under control, and it was the first time you saw that I am human and capable of being beaten.
     
    Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses
    Michele
  25. Michele800226
    Hi everyone
     
    Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.
     
    This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.
     
    Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.
     
    I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.
     
    No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.
     
    Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.
     
    So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???
     
    Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.
     
    Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.
     
    Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.
     
    Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.
     
    Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.
     
    Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.
     
    I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 
     
    I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.
     
    Big hugs
    Michele
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