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Michele800226

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  1. Michele800226

    Life Continues

    By Michele800226,

    Good day
     
    Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
     
    Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season.  May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
     
    I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned...  But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
     
    I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again.  So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
     
    Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
     
    Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get.  And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do.  How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change.  I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID.  But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
     
    So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
     
    I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand.  Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall.  Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
     
    What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
     
    Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards.  Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
     
    Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs.  Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous.  Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing.  Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
     
    Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
     
    Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are.  I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
    Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew.  Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly.  Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life.  He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
     
    So be safe and enjoy the festive season.  I will be watching over those of you close to me.
     
    Kind loving hearts blossom
    Friends, family and loves
    We gather in a time of giving
    Not the giving of presents
    But the giving of hearts
    We are all here
    Not just waiting, but
    Fighting for what we were taught
    The teachings of what is right and wrong
    And I guess, that we have finally started believing
    Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
    So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
     
    Cheers
    Michele
  2. Michele800226

    Tears I shed

    By Michele800226,

    Why tears.  Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman.  Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too...  I'm a fighter after all.
     
    Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night!  I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so.  Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised.  Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children.  But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety.
     
    Now for my tears...
     
    I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears.  So some apparent reason this has always eluded me.  I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over.
     
    I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated.  Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode.  But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago.
     
    Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving.  I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me.  
     
    But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much.  Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person.
     
    The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone.  At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone.
     
    Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to.  GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place.  Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends.  Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day.
     
    Michele is out......
  3. Michele800226
    The police haven't sent me on training in while, and here its for the newest entry at work.

    So having had training in Shotguns, R5 Assault Rifles, RAP401 and Piettro Beretta Mod92 9mm Pistols a decade back, was like funny to for me the only girl with the hard ass guys I work with and some men I can sneeze over. 5 minutes later firearm training over, I know my firearm, so off to the shooting range. Why didn't you train the other stations people. This guy looks like he is afraid in front of me, well let me show him how it's done. 5 minutes later he is still struggling yo release the slide, how bad can he be. Can't wait to stand and shoot though.

    At the station prior to leaving the 2nd hands as I like to call them are a click that makes almost everybody believe they are the best, and before I or we (my group) get in a fight with them, lets just go in my car and drive the 80mile round trip.

    On the shooting range from the right to the left, the first 5 persons were the best of the best. The only girl in the mix, so Queen again. So after the first squeeze I realized this pistol isn't just lighter, but everything on it is lighter except for the new magazine that was still stiff.

    Being considered one of the guys that stands my ground in the face of danger. I sometimes wonder if I would've been accepted or an outcast if I couldn't shoot, fight or stand my ground. Yes, with certain guys the option of me driving are always open, with others I am the driver no matter what, because they can't drivr. The joke with the driving is, I drive a Chevrolet Spark 1.2L stick shift, and the vehicles at work are one tonners trucks or sometimes bigger, and very rarely smaller, but everything is at least 3ft longer.

    In cars I pick something that doesn't seem like I stole my dad's car and fits my personality. But seeing as I'm talking about firearms, I prefer a weapon that is comfortable to carry and shoot one handed too.

    Lastly, I don't believe a firearm yo be the first line of defense. I also know that when I draw my weapon it is in all likelihood going to be used, because it is my last option to protect myself and those lives around or with me. A weapon, be it a firearm, knife, sword, baton, or any form should only be used or carried when you feel comfortable the training you were given can be executed without a fault, and all consequences of you using that said weapon to inflict the minimum of damages to stop the said attacker. Because going around and thinking you indestructible because you were trained at using it, is the worst mentality you can have. Yes, be confident, know your strength and weaknesses with the weapon or your body. AND LASTLY REMEMBER TO BE SAFE, BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, IF IT IS BECAUSE OF FOCUS OR ABILITY. WEAPONS ARE NOT TOYS, BUT AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HAND AND CAPABILITIES IN A FIGHT.

    Okay, all I wanted to do was gloat that I passed. But I did it all while ensuring my safety and that of those around me. And I still looked feminine and adorable. Doesn't mean I like guy stuff I jave to look like them, I'm a girl by nature that doesn't like taking crap from anybody.
  4. Michele800226

    Annual Symptoms

    By Michele800226,

    Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away.

    February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively.

    Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over.

    This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt.

    To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples.

    1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck.

    Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life.

    Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped.

    Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason.

    I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape.

    Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.
  5. Michele800226

    35 Today

    By Michele800226,

    Quite frankly a birthday has never been at the top of my to do list, unless the list is on how to evade a birthday.

    Today, Thursday 2015-02-26, I turned 35 years old. This Capetonian trans lady sometimes, grabs the bull by its horns, make that balls. And then there are days that started off like today, I cried and just couldnt understand why.

    Now most of the times when I go through this day, I cant wait for it to be over. Like today, so a normal day that I hate this day. One, I was born in a body I need to alter surgically to feel whole. I started off a fighter and till today, I'm a fighter. I break down, but hormonally a trans person goes through puberty twice. Like the first one wasnt enough.

    Lucky for me, even in school and before that I was fighting to be the girl. When I was pushed around or pinned down by the boys, because according to them, that was what boys did to girls, I would fight back and somehow get free. Well males that does that to women should rethink the gentleman theory, because they continually acted like overbearing men if not potential rapist.

    Okay, these fights were always worse when it were my birthdays. Thanks Daddy for teaching me to punch, shoot and drive from some birthdays. He thought girls should be capable of doing things for themselves.

    I always thought that a birthday signified another year closer to death. Until I saw my teenage body and young face on a 32 year old body. I still hate my birthday, but this factor was removed. I still hate the happenings as a child and teenager. And to explain what happened would be wrong for now, and this is my rumblings around boys and birthdays.
  6. Michele800226
    Generally Speaking
     
    No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer.  All of us went through the phase of exploration.  Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to.  Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times.  And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand.
     
    NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS
     
    I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child.
     
    If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all.  We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era.  I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him.  He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent.  But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know.  And that's why we have each other.  We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified.
     
    So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings.  Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age.  I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up.  I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad.  And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's.
     
    Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself.  Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society.  Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out.  That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister.  I think he understood because of his Native American heritage.  My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused.
     
    My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us.  Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence.  But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness.
     
    I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life.  Free to explore if my heart so desires.  Free to be the women I have always been.  I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out.
     
    Now, I hear the question coming from all corners.  If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early?  Well, answer is easy, his  five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change.  Another question looming, must be...  If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother?  Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times.  None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child.  But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother.
     
    She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years.  I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world.  Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!!
     
    Now who know me better then me.
  7. Michele800226
    Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe.  After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly.  And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead.
     
    I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother).  But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with.  I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment.
     
    In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole.  If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you.  DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE.  And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time.
     
    Much love...
    Michele
  8. Michele800226
    Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right.  Actually wrong.
     
    I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me.  But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs.  The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me.
     
    Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships.  Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place.
     
    That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others.  If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends.
     
    So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.
  9. Michele800226

    PMS once more

    By Michele800226,

    Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear.
     
    For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell.  Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday.  Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell.  Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain.  But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days.  Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode.  Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death.
     
    What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship???  Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects.  Yes, FX is on.
     
    What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right.  Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there.  And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her.  I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too.
     
    Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe.  But on the other side,  I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole.  But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world.
     
    My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique.  As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience...  Okay I struggled to grow breast,  am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were.  But I also knew that I would end up here.  Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups.  The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family.  I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body.
     
    No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots.  And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar.
     
    I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment.
     
    Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through.  And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle.  I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay.
     
    To all have a good day.  Be safe, and think before you do.  I have discussed this before I did it.
     
    Cheers for now
    Michele with love
  10. Michele800226
    Hi there all.
     
    I have mentioned that I was applying to an internal post at work, and that it implies that I will by an acting fleet manager.
     
    On the 30 September 2015 I was officially informed that my application for the post was successful.  The amazing part was, that all my competition were butch guys and little feminine old me won the race, and I didn't come second, third or any other number other then number 1.
     
    I started on 7 October 2015 at 07:30 and my first day was a blast.  I enjoyed the new challenges that were thrown my way.  And day one ended exhausted and going to the gym with a friend.  But I enjoyed every second of it.
     
    On day two, I found new damages to a vehicle and had to write persons for damaging the vehicles.  I know that you can feel and possibly strip one nut of the wheels and not the rest.  So I was super pissed off when all six on the one wheel were stripped and good.
     
    Today we started out sorting the vehicles and I ended up helping to clear an office my previous commander was in and an even older commander will be occupying.  I am so glad that I am getting him back that I want to see if he answers me, but I don't want to be dissed or not answered because, I don't know if he is ready for the work he will need to do.
     
    I am now done with day three and all is well, I had my targets performed for the day and I'm systematically sorting out the backlog of the previous regime, but I should also know, there was not commander in that post for about a year.  So it is remarkable that I have maintained the quality of standards that I would want in a work place.
     
    Okay, what I am doing is to get all the things my boss would want, and that is my priority, but secondary function is to make certain that the vehicles on the police station are running and all in working order.  I am doing this because, i need my people to take care of the vehicles and not to make me look like a fool around the guys.  What made me laugh was, one of the guys I worked with saw me and made it clear that he is looking at my boobs as I am busy working on attempting to fix a flat.  I laughed because I know he is harmless and if he messes with me, I will go to his wife and she will inadvertently sort him out.
     
    The thing that keeps me feeling like my shift is still loving me is...  The one is telling me to never return to the shift because I decided to leave.  But then our captain needed help and I told her, I don't need to help him and I can just get in my car and drive home as my time is up at work.  The next thing I know is I get grabbed from behind and hugged, and they telling me how they missing me and I have only left them.  Their days are quieter and no one is around to make them think on their feet, so they aren't even getting excitement.  They missing me for my administrative skills, and my knowledge in the field as a functional uniform member that that knows my complaints, the books, how to deal with a complaint, take statements, certifications, and overall to deal with prisoners and the community on a whole.  They missing me as it is feeling like the ship is sinking and the one that always had control of the pumps to ensure that the ship never flooded or even took up any water, has gone.
     
    Yes I am proud of myself for getting the post above all, the men that were just as capable as me in vehicle knowledge.  The only thing they beat me in was that I don't have a truck license and don't intend to get one.  I like and prefer to be driving only cars.  Would I change my decision now that I have had a little taste of what is to come.  I don't think so.  I am enjoying myself to much and I don't think I would change it for the world.
     
    So my career is taking off and my love life too.  Good for me.
     
    .
    Cheers for now people.  I'm out.  I am falling asleep in front of the computer.
    Night from #TransIsBeautiful #FemaleStrength #LovingYourself
    Michele
  11. Michele800226
    Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes.  I still hope that everyone is doing well.
     
    One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon.  Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time.
     
    I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone.  Bruises and swelling from my face to neck.  Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation.  I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution.
     
    I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared.  Drums please!!!  I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise.  This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim.  The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam.  Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found".  Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches.
     
    Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now.
     
    I also joined a fitness boot camp.  May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies.
     
    Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A.  The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do.
     
    Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside.  Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face.
     
    Now you are all caught up in my life.  So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns.
     
    Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves.  I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls.
     
     
    Hugs and kisses
    Michele
  12. Michele800226
    Hi there everybody
     
    Can't say that it's been a long time, but I've been busy and attempting to get this done for a while now.
     
    So I recently got my medical aid bill, and low and behold i underwent radiology for the week I was in hospital without me knowing.  I know precisely which drip it was in after thought, but still I like my doctors to be open to me because that is what I do.  If I wasn't open, I would've let them put me with the guys, and never have told the medical staff I was transgender in the first place.  And in retro spec, I assume I would've gone under the knife.  Idiot and I would've been capable of going on lower doses of medication.  But then again I believe the best medical treatment can only be given if your doctor have all the necessary information, of which I could determine that he was transphobic and still a good doctor, that at least put his prejudice aside to treat me.
     
    Got back to work 2 weeks later still feeling under the weather and in so much pain, seeing that the infection was from my abdomen to my crotch area, and effected my balance and core strength.  Being tender and weak for literally and figuratively 6 weeks.  Yes, I finally felt how everyone else felt, vulnerable.  But I faked it through that timeframe to look strong.  Went though a week of crying at work, because pressure I normally could handle, but hey it seemed like all the strong women were vulnerable that week, so I was not alone.
     
    An instruction came that we must only wear uniform from now on, and it came before I was ready to wear a firearm.  So to my dismay, I had to fake being stronger even more to keep people at bay.  Yeah, no incidents, or so I thought.  Got asked to drop something and there I drive into a fight with knives wearing uniform and in a marked vehicle, so couldn't even attempt to keep myself safe by leaving it alone.  I did the only thing I could think of to safeguard me and the passenger (a clerk), use my weapon only to stop the fight and make those men drop their knives before they reach us as a way to get the upper hand.  Situation defused, and I carried on.  And yes, the though went through my head, what if I had to shoot one or both of the men.  And the other thought that was spinning in my head wasn't just our safe or taking them out fast when the situation asks for it, but I can't look weak in the face of danger.  The one thing I appreciated was the clerk with me had reservist training, so also knew how to deal with the situation, although she hasn't been in the field for a long time, and it seems where firearms are drawn or I need to act she is almost always with me.  And it always happens in a ganster ridden area, I am only driving with her in calm areas from now on.
     
    Then I had a make-upless day two weeks ago and the wet hair picture attached was that day.  The others were taken basically a week later while I was waiting on someone to return.
     
    I also found out the woman I thought was quiet, is actually rude, and brings out my defenses and I had to put her on her place once in a shouting match.  But now, I get the evil eye from her and I just pretend she is a bad demon that is trying to get back into this realm to wreak havoc on earth, as she was vanquished previously.  And my answer to her questions will always be negative for her, because I can't help evil in any way or form.
     
    I'm also laughing at my kids, not biological at all.  But last night the 14 year old runs up to me asking how his other mother is doing.  Shame, he definitely have too many mother.  Two extra this side, one where he lived the most of his life, and a multitude of grandparents.  I was told I have to many fathers for my children, and I said, "No way, I only have one man with two children, not a different daddy for each child."
     
    So we have caught up from where I last said I was admitted to hospital to now.
     
    Ps.  I needs to release from frustrations and almost threw the one guy off the back of a bakkies (South African term for a pick-up truck) while flinging tyres at him.  But he was understanding and told me, I should've warned him that my body was still sore on the inside and he would've moved the 24 tyres on his own.
     
    I bid you farewell for now.  Have a peaceful time, and remember, safety in number.  Be safe, secure, and love yourself because if you can't appreciate yourself, others will find it hard to find you worthy, even though you are all perfectly imperfect just like me.   Who wants to be perfectly perfect, not me!!!
     
    Lots of love and hugs
    Michele​








  13. Michele800226
    Hi there
     
    Blessed be to all.
     
    As I start off thinking about myself, I know if I could change anything about myself, it would be:
    My gender by protecting myself from having to experience gender specific issues the world have, Keep my height and weight Be fit and limber, a perfectionist when it comes to kungfu, tai chi, tae kwan do, and numerous other martial arts formforms Speak language I stil understand and more, German, Dutch, Italian, French, Spanish, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Hindi, Urdu.  Okay just be a linguist that catches languages in mere minutes, but be as fluent in Afrikaans and English ooh and make that Xhosa, Zulu, Pedi, Tswana.  Not that I'm not fluent in Afrikaans (kinda suck at it, but still have a better understanding then most people), and more so in English. (Okay my first language was Afrikaans, but as the business language changed in South Africa, so I began speaking, reading, and writing much less and in some cases I just stopped.) Okay, my list is much longer but I don't want to keep typing in 5 or 6 hours just to be busy with what I would change, but in te end if I changed anything in my past I wouldn't be the same Michele Heynes that I am today.
     
    I am
    Tall (5'8¼) 1.74m Slender enough (140Lbs) 63kgs, yes fattish if you talk about a model Speak, read and write in Afrikaans and English more then proficiently.  Speak mixed up in German and Dutch, and understand on a basic level, speaker screwed up in Mandarin and Xhosa, more so Mandarin then Xhosa, mixing Xhosa and English and I'm proficient on a basic understanding levelevel Hazelnut colored eyes Know I'm originally intersexed, but will rather just be me Know my weapons and cars Not afraid to die, death becomes us all, but not before I used my punani. The point I'm trying to make is this easy...
     
    We all are unique individuals, our own strengths and weaknesses, desires and fears.  By accepting the struggles we had to endure even if it almost took a lifetime for some to maintain or gain the confidence to soldier in and be true to ourselves.  Like Jazz who was fortunate enough to present as female from a young age.  Kaitlyn on the other side of the spectrum that waited to be true to herself very late in life.  Or life me that would verbalize what I was feeling and have always been true to myself but knew for he kind of work I wanted to do, I knew the struggles would inadvertently only allowing me to start transition in my early 30s and keeping a fight I never thought I would have to endure.  Oh well, the fight was as I expected unpredictable and unnerving.  My humanity was questioned as selfpreservation kicked in and an analytical bitch with fighting and research capabilities.
     
    So even if you wished you could've change the past, leave it as is, because we never will be the same for the actions we changed in our past.
     
    Lots of love, hugs and kisses.
     
    Be who you need to be and forget about the past you wishing to change, as it would inevitably leave a person in your wake that no one can think off or would want to be at any hotel or between people of interest
    Cheers
    Michele​
  14. Michele800226
    Hello all
     
    This question is now running through my mind, when does validation turn into the continuous fight for acceptance?
     
    Well, validation comes when you original start accepting yourself and other acknowledges this by using the correct pronoun's for you, and also accepts you for being yourself.  Or at least that is how I look at it.
     
    The continuous fight for acceptance happens when resistance is felt by you that others can't accept you, and won't without a fight.  Almost when you know you have to poop, but know its going to be a painful hard fight to get the relief that you so dearly need.
     
    Yes, me using poop has it's significance.  IBS, Incontinence, Diarrhea and other poopie things, like the smell, texture and how it makes you feel.  Well, that is how you feel each time you won a victory, and a new fight has come to the front line.  And yes, to you they smell bad and the thought of having to fight to expell them from your sight to silence or acceptance for the changes you have gone through.
     
    Well research is my forte, so I'll just be that urethral infection that burns like a fire because I am getting exhausted from repeating the same fight.
     
    Cheers for beautiful ladies and gentlemen
    Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Michele
  15. Michele800226

    What next

    By Michele800226,

    Good day all
     
    I know that I am sometimes just questioning what is happening, but hey, seeing that I am still a young 36 years old that looks younger apparently then my 18 year old self, then how can I say no to being a questioning fiend.
     
    I went in for the operation on Tuesday and to my perk, I wasn't treated as though I was a weird specimen of human trying to infiltrate an alien race.  Operation was done with the highest of professionalism and only afterwards I was asked about being transgender seeing that they only get to see trans persons in medical journals and not in the flesh.  Okay, as I said it's easier identifying as transgender seeing that I am intersex and that in itself is more confusing to explain to people including myself, who thought that it would make my life a little bit easier or more understanding to myself.  So transgender still goes on all forms, not for the fact that I can't explain both, but because of gender identity, and if there isn't an area where I need to explain, I just write female, or what do you girls right.  It always will end as female.
     
    I don't know if it's actually going to be a bad visit tomorrow at the surgeon because I know how it feels to be the new kid on the block, and all I know is he isn't a bad surgeon neither does he use a bad stitch at all.  Got banged up the other night by the 2 year old, who decided to slam directly on the wound and down I went for a few minutes and all was well, just lucky, I decided that I needed to wear a sanitary towel just in case I was to bleed, and yeah the blood got caught by this awful piece of material that made my cunt (for lack of better wording) and wound area feel like this massive and fat area.
     
    Okay, tomorrow I go for my check up and I hope that everything is better because I feel kind of different at the spot that I was cut into.
     
    Ooooh, the weirdest thing I can say is, who comes out of a medically induced coma and check their hair, make it perfect before going down to recovery and asking for food.  That was me and hilarious as always.
     
    Tomorrow is results day and check up, so let me go and say.
     
    Cheers ladies and gentlemen.
    Please keep your hands, mouth, feet and all valuables inside the brains, as we will have liftoff soon and meaning that nothing is safe to the rest as it will be said.
    I bit thee fairwell only because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I also grant the world permission to accept each other for who they are, because this fight for equality is gender old already, and I'm to sexy to have this fight continuously.
     
    Love, lust and hugs
    Michele
  16. Michele800226

    Medical Week

    By Michele800226,

    Tuesday came, and it was the last day of January by that.  Left work early, and got to the endocrinologist.  Marli had her normal  checks and we spoke.  But what made me zone out was, here is a referral, you need to go for a mammogram.  Lucky we already went through the blood works that I took on the previous Friday.
     
    I got to work the next day, as the blood works is showing signs of cholesterol and that my testosterone levels are higher.  Normal male ranges but still half of what I started out on before HRT.  Some other readings also messed about.  But I should say, 6 months earlier we dropped my blocker dosage to half what I was using because of the potassium resistance my body was experiencing.
     
    Thursday on Feb 2, I went for the mammogram.  Yes, I was anxious, nervous, scared, all the crying emotions were all collected in my body.  Even the with drawn little girl.  My friend had my car and forgot that I had an appointment so I was taken by a colleague who lives in the area of the hospital.  Told him to meet me there or all hell will be directed at him.
     
    Came out of hospital and to in my car, looking as if some dog has taken my good and ran away.  Just teary eyed, unresponsive and clutching my results.  Normally by this point my results would be opened and checked by myself, but because this wasn't a Michele request it was scaring the living daylights out of meArarat.
     
    Friday came and went and still I'm refusing to read the results.  Saturday also comes and goes, and as I arrived home around 00:00 this morning.  I decided to sit myself down and force myself to read it as this moping around for a forced test is just bull.  Read it so slow, and once done, realize but the results says everything is normal, I just have a dense pair.
     
    Thus relieved I decide I can go sleep.  So my last week ended in me stressing for sweet nothing.
  17. Michele800226
    Having never been in hiding, I cant say how it feels to have come out to the world. It's in your face obvious that I'm special and unique. And this package is a police official too. So lete go through a decade of trials and tribulations in an organization that is male orientated with almost no ability to change.My decade started off with bam, because not only was I attacked and attempted to convince me that I'm wrong in who I am and portray. Gloating to everyone that she has put me in my place. Her actions were inappropriate as she didnt even bother to send out the complainant before attacking me. In any country with a constitution, the police doesnt govern that constitution, the constitution governs the state and all the sectors beneath it. So taking me on because of my gender and your perceived sexuality doesnt work. For once I couldn't open my mouth, but hey I was emotionally in the dumps as a friend was lying in ICU because of heart failure. My brain wasnt on this woman acting liking an amateur biatch.Subsequently because she dared to go against the constitutional laws of the country, I threw a hissy fit and had a case opened against her. Okay a normal biatch fit consist of me, kicking and punching my way through someone's face or body.DID ANYBODY JUST SAY THAT I HOPE ITS NOT A GIRL WE DEALING WITH. WELL, GIRLS CAN FIGHT TOO, WE NOT JUST CREATURES THAT OOZES SEX APPEAL, INNOCENSE, AND IN MY CASE LOOK LIKE A MODEL AT THE AGE OF 34 AND ALMOST 35 YEARS OLD.I never thought that any person could hate any gender or sexuality. Or what is it about me, because some are interested in me and others are totally against me.So my year ended off with a legal battle and started off with a legal battle. It can either shoot me in my foot with promotions. But hey, I'll akways know that I'm overlooked not because capabilities, but because I was cancelled because someone on the panel doesnt like me. As I can truly say that in my decade as a peace officer, I have made certain I studied and I knew my work to 3 or 4 levels higher than what I'm currently obtain, and have been for the last 8years, the 1st 2years were being a student here in RSA.So doesnt mean you in a country that is accepting, you still get those trying to fight and change you to what they want. All I can say is, I AM AN INDIVIDUAL, AND WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE, AND I'LL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS, BECAUSE MY PARENTS TEACHING WERE CLEAR. DONT CHANGE SOMEONE, IF THEY WANT TO CHANGE BE SUPPORTIVE AND NOT A ROYAL ASS DICK.My next entry will be more focused, just needes everything off my chest that was bothering me. So kiss my toosh if you are one of those persons trying to tell me, Girl should not like cars, firearms and fighting styles. To those that understood my rambling, good for you.
  18. Michele800226
    I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me.

    I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled.

    Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise.

    GYM
    What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never.

    Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights.

    Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this.

    Now going to the Gym...
    This is actually why I started this blog.

    I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then.

    I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof.

    So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention.

    I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous.

    I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with.

    To be clear this is my current stats:
    Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches)
    Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches)
    Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches)
    Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches)
    Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too.

    I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me.

    I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated.

    So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.
  19. Michele800226
    Even people.
     
    Clearly this is a clothes issue.  Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes.
     
    Not a problem buying.  No women can't tell me how a shop or card works.  Todays issue is getting in my clothes.
     
    As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight.  Not the case.  Weird right.
     
    Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum.  My lady humps were in the way of my jeans.  I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants.  Was me this morning.
     
    Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back.  Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again.
     
    Do you want to know a secret...   After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too.  I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see.  My ass are illusionist.
     
     
    So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows.  My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with.  I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on.
     
    Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in.  Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike).
     
    So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me.
     
     
    I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too?  I don't think so...
     
    As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again.  They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom.  Oh freaken hell no.  My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back.  Old fashioned, but hey its me.  Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside.
     
    Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures.
     
    Cheers from South Africa.
  20. Michele800226
    I never thought of it like this...
     
    Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender.  I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else.  And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!"
     
    So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass.  Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could.  But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl.  I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting.  And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk.  Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl.  And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy.
     
    So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me.  I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think.  Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her.  But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best.
     
    Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be.
     
    Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world.  Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes.  How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition.  I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch).  Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head.  But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her.  I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her.
     
    I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings.
     
    Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world.  First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone.
     
    Cheers, stay safe and love life.
    Michele H
  22. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Well, yesterday I had an appointment with my GP.  Got there for a routine checkup and mentioned that my right boob is tender too, checked for lumps can't feel anything, but she is now recommending because my boobs are so dense I should go to have them checked out with sonograms.  But yeah they always start about 10 days before my cramps start and that just seems normal to me.  After that she said, welcome to women problems, boobs feeling sore that time of the month and all the bloatedness that follows.
     
    Also need to speak to my mom, but I don't have the energy for that as yet, we might be sitting in a battlefield because of my questions.  Want to find out which hospital she sent me to when I was a week or so old, and retrieve that medical information from there.
     
    Blood works are all in order and I am happy that my results are good, and won't want to change to much, just to go off the blockers.  As it all started me gaining to much fat around my gut after the blockers.
     
    Well, physically I'm in good shape, and not doing to much to put myself in harms way, medically.  And yes, I need to find a new psychologist again.  Will check how this works for me.
     
    Let me get a move on, as I need to get to the boot camp and work on my fitness.  Well, this is what I'm doing so when it comes time for any surgery, to recover as quick as possible.  I will have to look at it in a holistic way.  Fitness for recovery and not to become depressed as fast or have so many fallbacks.
     
    This is basically all I had on my mind, and would like to encourage everyone to go to their medical assistants, no matter if it's a GP, Endocrinologist, Psychologist, or any other specialist you need to see.
     
    Check you all later, and don't be missing me too much.  Might have started the war or talking to my mom.  Yeah, will then have to enquire from the hospital what they can give me, and if they refuse to send it to me, I'll have my GP request the information.
     
    Love and protection
    Michele
  23. Michele800226
    Hi everyone
     
    Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's.  But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through.
     
    This week that passed was no different from others.  Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot.  So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive.
     
    Friday, as per usual.  I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive.  Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away.  So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road.
     
    I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass.
     
    No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes.  The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert.  No shade and sand blowing everywhere.  6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach.  I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible.  Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms.
     
    Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving.  First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect.  Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it.  At least that is what I was thinking.
     
    So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks???
     
    Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public.  It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up.  It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be.
     
    Would I walk without make-up on?  Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow.  But I wear it at work because that is my norm.
     
    Then my question to everyone would be.  If you could go a day without make-up, would you???  Okay, you can still wear gloss.  But would you?  That is the question.
     
    Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up.  Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born.
     
    Ending off.  All I have to say is.  Make-up doesn't define us as human beings.  Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons.  But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out.  Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good.  Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in.
     
    Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great.  The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as.
     
    I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances.  As I don't fear what can be done to me.  There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. 
     
    I love and leave you, with this to ponder.  Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules?  Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do???  Should you conform to make others comfortable?  Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally?  Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others.
     
    Big hugs
    Michele
  24. Michele800226

    And again

    By Michele800226,

    Good day all
     
    I am again in this same situation that I was, but not as bad, just this captain wants everything in writing.  Fine by me, and here is the chance again to make everyone around me squirm.  Yes, I will be the bitch again.
     
    No it is actually a short thing, just to vent that I need to get everything again, just to be myself.
     
    Seeing my doc on Tuesday, so will be asking again for other documentation to just make the world stop and gasp again.
     
    Not venting just saying, as the stupid acrobat doesn't want to download my annuity for me to get done with my taxes.
     
    Michele out
  25. Michele800226
    Hi all
     
    Went for my bi annual endocrinology check at the end of January 2017, and all went well.
     
    Then for a urology check up, more like an appointment date for my bilateral orchidectomy on 2 March 2017.  And got an appointment date for 7 March 2017, which was yesterday.
     
    I had 4 days to prepare for surgery so went and stocked up on pads (sanitary towels) for the possible bleeding, paid the doctors fees of basically R4000.00 and the requested the bill from the hospital which the doctor estimated at another R4000.00+.
     
    Chose my shoes, as the last time wearing heeled boots was a bad idea, I took my slip ins, and an easy to get in pants.
     
    Get to hospital at 06:40 as I needed to get booked in by 07:00 and find the doors still locked.  But at 06:50 a nurse pulls up and says, hello Michele, follow me.  You can go book in so long, I will be with you shortly.
     
    So far so good friendly staff.
     
    Everyone enquires if I'm Afrikaans or English speaking, I say they choice is yours.  Just dont ask me to write in Afrikaans, I write very poorly in that language, just speak it predominantly.  And the forms I left open on title, I see Werner the receptionist at the helpdesk for surgery admission made it Mej the Afrikaans abbreviation for Miss of Ms.  So glad even though I hadn't put anything he put the right abbreviation on as my title.
     
    Pre operation theater, doc comes and says this is going to hurt and injects me 3 different places and the last one just above a crack was the most painful.  Ouch...  10 minutes later gets asked to walk to the theater as I'm number 1 on the list.
     
    Now the uncomfortable section, lying there exposed for the world to see.  The nurses start using female pronouns to make me feel at ease and when the doctor who is uncertain about the pronouns to use, just falls in with continuing the female pronouns the whole way.
     
    They tell me that it might burn me, and I smell flesh burn.  I just say, can't feel anything so do your thing.  They have this green sheet up between us so we can't see each other and we chatting the whole way through.  Somewhere near the end as they move to the left, I start feeling what they do and say.  Now  I'm feeling, but continue and get it over and done with.  Here as promised I started giggling in my Mortisha Adams sleeping pose.  We talk about my nursing days and weird scenes I've attended to as a police official.
     
    Now he starts taping me up and explaining that I must only wear tight underwear.  I ask him if he remembers the shape of the underwear I use, and all of them are  tight doctor, so no worries.  They say I can move to the recovery room where coffee is offered to me, and I drink it because my head was spinning, yes a dizzy baby.
     
    The nurse fetched my bag with 2 steamed beef dumpling in it.  I ate them and drank my coffee.
     
    Well in the morning one of my friends were supposed to drive me there and take me home, but in this  case I felt like I was late and drove myself home again.  Pain levels as I left the hospital before getting behind the wheel of my car was a 3/10, but as soon as I started driving the pain went up to a 5/10.
     
    Get home and everything draws out of my body and I walk like an old woman with a walking stick.  I ended up for today and yesterday with pain levels around 7/10 maybe an 8/10.  I know, closest pain I've ever felt was a full blown migraine.  Talking a migraines, apparently my migraines are Testosterone related, the more present the stronger the migraine.
     
    The last I managed to number 2 was yesterday morning before leaving for hospital.  I'm micturating with ease.
     
    My pain starts just below my diaphragm and ends just below my pelvis area, with only my ass spared from the pain.
     
    Well tomorrow is checkup day, precisely a week later.  I've been bleeding everyday, but small amounts.  So nothing to write home about.  The pain is sometimes unbearable, but I'm a big girl.  Some sswelling to my right side, just hope its not an infection, because then more pain...
     
    On the bright side, started having a guy over, and had the transgender discussion, but I wanted him to read my fb profile which explains it, but his friends saw it first, and now he has this attitude saying it doesnt change me, and they should be concerned about their lives, and then he said I should read a message from his mom who is also not approving of me being transgender and getting to know her oldest boy better.  So I am enjoying his company and my oldest sister has met him, we officially met on 3 March 2017.
     
    Love life.
    Live your life accordingly.
    And dont be forced to take the road you dont want too.
     
    Cheers
    Michele
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