Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum

Chrissy

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    571

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    54

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    GRS Part II

    By Chrissy,

    Hi again,
    I wanted to post some more now that I've actually had my surgery (YAY!!!!), especially for anyone thinking about or planning the surgery themselves - everyone's experience is different, but this might give some things to consider:
    Monday, Dec. 26 - I arrived in Philadelphia and checked-in to my hotel.  Went to a Target Express nearby to load up on food and beverages for the days after surgery when I'd be at the hotel, knowing that getting out for food would be tough.  Around noon I started bowel prep (Magnesium Citrate and Dulcolax, and a couple of other prescriptions).  That went on through the day, culminating in an enema at 4 a.m.  I unpacked and tried to set things up as much as I could to be ready for when I got back - then I packed my bag of stuff to go to the hospital (including Cinnamon, my new stuffed bear).
    Tuesday, Dec. 27 - I had to be at the hospital by 10:30 a.m., and it's only a few minutes away from here.  I was still up early - nerves no doubt.  My brother called to check-in and asked if someone could call him when the surgery was done.  Around 9:30 I got a call from the hospital asking if I could show up early, Dr. Rumer was running early.  So I left and got to the hospital before 10 a.m. (Hahnemann University Hospital - it's affiliated with Drexel University).
    I went through check-in - a bunch of questions standard for any surgery.  Got changed into the gowns they gave me.  Then the anesthesiologist came by and put in the tube (or whatever it is they put in). I saw Dr. Rumer and her PA quickly - people kept asking if I had any questions, but really I didn't.
    Got taken into the operating room at 11:09 a.m. (they call it when the patient is brought in), and got moved to the operating table.  Next thing I know I wake up in another room.  They had called my brother at 1:40, so I know it took about 2.5 hours in total.  I called him around 4:00 when I was more coherent
    I spent the next 2 days in a hospital bed, unable to get up or move much at all.  My only real complaint is that the bed had about a 2" mattress, which I think is way too small for being on bedrest for 2 days (I told the PA about that later).  The nurses were nice, but it took a long time to get almost anything.  I do know that I couldn't do their job, and they don't make enough money (I don't know how much they make, but it can't be enough).
    So my new vagina is still packed, and has 3 tubes coming out of it - 1 going to a Foley bag (urine) and 2 going to smaller containers collecting blood.  The nurses periodically emptied them.  I had no hunger, which was good because the food was truly awful (how do you make scrambled eggs not good!?!?).
    Thursday, Dec. 29 - I got discharged - yay!!!  It took forever, but it finally happened.  Before that I had to actually get up and start moving, which was so much harder than I expected - I did fine with it, but there was light-headedness and nausea.
    They sent me back to the hotel in a taxi - and I've been here since.  Pretty much staying in bed except to go to the bathroom (including emptying the bags) and getting food.
    I don't really feel any pain from the surgery - the biggest pain is my butt from the hospital bed, that's the main reason I've been taking the percocet since then.
    On Tuesday morning I got for my follow-up, which is when they'll remove the tubes and packing.  Then I stay one more night (to make sure everything is ok after they take the stuff out) and go home the next day.
    Emotionally - I won't lie, on Thursday I had moments when I thought I might be feeling regret, but it was entirely about how I was feeling and knowing that the surgery caused that - as I've started feeling more normal any such thoughts went away and I'm getting back to feeling thrilled about this :-)   (I think that will be complete when the packing comes out and I can actually see it)
    More later!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  2. Chrissy

    Hello Gorgeous, and more

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all, a couple of quick recent anecdotes...
    1. On my way to therapy the other day a random guy on the street (a contractor I believe, waiting outside a building) said "hello gorgeous" to me as I passed   I smiled at him, said hello and carried on. The downside is that it put me in a really good mood ... on my way to therapy!!! That doesn't help  
    2. I may have met someone the other night when I was out ... well, I definitely met someone, but it could be "someone" - I may know more tomorrow, we're getting together - the novelty for me is that the person is a she, so we'll see if I really am lesbian (or bisexual)
  3. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    I recently finished my first year of school (I'm doing the 2-year MSW program at NYU) and decided that I needed a little get-away (emphasis on "little" - I don't really like traveling all that much, and can't afford much). So I decided on a day trip to the shore - my goal going into the day was to not think backwards or forward, just to try to be in the present. Of course, as I mentioned to a friend later, it was a little weird that I chose to go to a place that we used to go to all the time when I was a child if I didn't want to think backwards - but it still worked out.
    On the train ride down it occurred to me that through everything that's been going on in the past year I hadn't really taken any time to just reflect specifically on transitioning. It makes sense, I was in school  and recovery from GRS, while it wasn't ever particularly painful, is still distracting. But now, school is done for the year and the recovery is very well along - so I did reflect. In that moment I just felt really, really happy about all that had happened.
    But here's the bigger thing. Either that night or the next it was very warm - it got up to the 90s here and didn't cool off over night. Since I've been too lazy to put my a/c in and only had a fan, I ended up sleeping au naturel. With the lights out and a jazz radio station playing, I closed my eyes. Without really thinking about the fact that I was doing it, one hand came down from a stretch, landed on one of my breasts, and then down to my lower regions - nothing erotic going on, just a casual stroke if you will. But the sensation was wonderful! Again, not erotic, it was just that I actually felt a woman's body - my body was now a woman's body!
    Just wanted to share that :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  4. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!

    We're having a nice breezy, rainy day in NYC today (which is fine for Monday).

    I've been thinking about my gender and sexual orientation a lot recently, specifically as they relate to each other, and wanted to put my thoughts out here to see if anyone has some ideas on the topic

    First, I do realize that gender and sexual orientation are different things, and they we do all have both of them. What I've been thinking about lately though is that for quite awhile I've identified and "lived" as a gay man. Given my recent acknowledgment that I am transgender, it's made me wonder if i am a gay man or a straight woman, and what that means in day-to-day terms.

    But even before that, I wonder now if the reason I was "came out" as a gay man was because I was misreading the reality that I am transgender. When I was growing up, in particular around the age of puberty, I didn't really have any idea of the existence of transgender people. At best there were stories about people who had sex change operations, but those stories were usually portrayed as freakish, and they certainly didn't explain why the person had done it (at least not anywhere that I saw). Mind you this was the early to mid 70s.

    So my theory/hypothesis is that I interpreted my feelings as being gay because I knew what that was, and it seemed like the best fit for them. Even that I covered up for a long time, it wasn't like being gay was accepted at that time either, but at least I knew what it was.

    It would also fit with my dating history, which is very, very limited. It makes me wonder if one of the reasons I don't date much is that I don't want to date gay men, I want to date straight men (I hesitated saying that - seems like it could come across as homophobia?). There have also been several straight men who work at the gay bar that I go to and I find myself especially drawn to them - there is the cliche about gay men who want to turn straight guys, but I don't want that, I want them to stay as they are and love me!

    I'm going to leave this here for now, in part because I should start working, and in part because I just put something out there that I haven't even mentioned in therapy yet - need to hit "Publish" before this feeling of vulnerability stops me

    xoxo

    Christie
  5. Chrissy
    As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up."  He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed).
    Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man."
    I channeled it more "productively" on twitter with the following:
    Transgender 101: "Transitioning" isn't going from woman to man or man to woman, it's going from fake to authentic. #GirlsLikeUs
    If anyone is on twitter i'm ChristieCNY
    It was nice taking a negative and going positive in response. I'm so much better as a woman than I ever could have been as a man  
     
  6. Chrissy

    New path

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring).
    In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially.  Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that?
    It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month).
    Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  7. Chrissy

    Mon anniversaire

    By Chrissy,

    Bonjour toute le monde!
    As it's passed midnight it's now officially my birthday - 49 years old today (really at 12:39 pm).
    In prior years i've swung between not wanting to think about it being my birthday, to putting too much emphasis and really wanting to celebrate (which never worked our as planned).  This year I feel content with doing whatever comes up and otherwise doing some introspection and planning.  I might go down to the shore (the "beach" for those of you not from New Jersey).
    I went out on Tuesday night in my new wig, a "test run" if you will.  I was really happy with how it looked, I just need to learn how to secure it better.  I probably won't start wearing it full time until i'm further along with electrolysis.
    this next thing is pretty intangible, and u think much of my introspection/planning today will be on this point - this is partly about presentation, but I also know that I need to stop thinking about "becoming" a woman and instead recognize that I am a woman and living as such.  I noticed on tuesday and on the train tonight that I no longer feel connected to gay men.  Not that i'm ditching all of my relationships, but I don't feel connected to the "community" anymore, which makes me want to feel more connected to the straight (or bi) woman "community."  Whatever all that means
    Here's a picture from tuesday, i'm on the left

  8. Chrissy

    "Wonder Woman"

    By Chrissy,

    I cannot believe I haven't written about this yet!  Last Friday I saw "Wonder Woman," and it was truly amazing.
    There are things I could be critical of (the messaging in a few spots was a little heavy handed and the effects in a couple of areas a little cheesy), but overall I think it's a truly great movie (and I'm not really into superhero movies).
    I won't say much about the movie because I don't want to do any spoilers - but there were moments when I was moved to tears, and moments when I felt more like a woman than I ever had before. I don't know if I can explain what that second one is about, but it happened.
  9. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone!
    First a few updates.  Today, in addition to the little make-up touches I've been adding over the last few weeks, I did my eyebrows and am using lipstick (and lip gloss), and wearing a cute new necklace I bought over the weekend.  A picture from this morning is below.  I did get a "sir" at 7-11 today, but I'm ok with that, he knows me (I stop there regularly on the way to work), and he was looking strangely at me after that (a mix of confused and amused, or something like that).  I've also decided to start using Christie at work (I might segue to it by having "Christie" in my signature line but signing off as "Chris."  I just have to decide who I should "announce" that to and how, as opposed to those for whom i'll just start doing that.  I also "came out" to my tennis group, and when I got my NYC tennis permit on Saturday it has Christie on it (they didn't even question it).
    Over the weekend, taking up on Karen's suggestion in one of her recent blog entries, I spent some time down by the Hudson River (on the pier off of Christopher Street).  It's one of my favorite spots, and an area where I almost always feel at peace (perhaps in part because of my personal technology ban when I'm there).  I started with the question she suggested, do I have any hesitations about starting HRT?  (by way of background, I haven't actually decided to start HRT, but I do have an appointment with an endocrinologist on June 20 to discuss it).  My initial gut response to it was "no, but perhaps some doubt."  To me this makes some sense as I doubt that people are often 100% certain that it's the right thing, at least until you start it.  There are no doubt some who are, but not everyone.
    I then explored those doubts - which I've done before, but a new strain of doubts revealed themselves this time around.  That is that I feel like I've often made very bad decisions (and not everyday decisions, but more "life changing" ones - I mean, everyone makes bad decisions).  So I spent a little time thinking about what they were, and then why I think I made them (after figuring out if they really were that bad).  I won't go into detail about what those specific decisions were, but a through-line for them is that I simply hadn't thought sufficiently about the consequences.  In one case (deciding to go to law school), the decision itself could have been ok if I had thought more about what I was going to do with it.
    In an earlier decision, the decision to not go directly to college after high school, I know that I was thinking too short-term.  At that time I was living at home, and making decent money (relative to my pretty insignificant expenses), and I didn't want to give that up.  So I sacrificed the long-term for the short-term.
    That brings me back to transitioning generally and HRT specifically.  I take great comfort in knowing that (1) I am looking a lot at what it means, and what is likely or possible to happen, (2) I'm discussing it in depth with a gender therapist, (3) I'm going to talk to a doctor about the implications, and (4) I'm discussing it here and getting feedback    So perhaps I will at some point feel 100% certain that it's right, or maybe I'll feel 95% certain and decide that's good enough.  Either way I've got some time.
    Probably the big take-away from my thinking and writing this weekend is that I can't make any decision based on fear.  I have to know that I want it, and fully understand (as much as possible) the consequences.
    xoxo
    Christie

  10. Chrissy

    Update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all!
    So my recovery seems to be going well. I had my follow-up with the surgeon and they removed the packing and tubes. That felt so much better! They showed me how to dilate - wasn't too bad.
    Yesterday I came home - I've never been so happy to be home! Recovery is easier in my own place with my own stuff.
    For 4 weeks I have to dilate 4x a day for 20 minutes each. I'm still working on my positioning, it gets a little uncomfortable and tedious, but I'll survive :-)
    Otherwise for now it's a lot of TV and reading. Barring complications I should be able to go back to school and my internship the week of the 23rd.
    At a more fundamental level - as swelling starts to recede it's easier to see what I have now, and it's pretty awesome 👯 
    More later!
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     
  11. Chrissy

    2 months...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do   But I am  still trying to keep up with reading entries!
    It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones.  With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment.
    I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family members who have all been very supportive!
    Next Monday (the 19th) my name officially changes, and my official gender (where I can change that). And when I see the endocrinologist again I plan to ask for referral (s) for a surgeon - if things continue as they are i'm hoping for top surgery next summer.
    I'm still working on the "what else do I want/need?", but making some progress.  I stopped the volunteer gig that I had at a comedy club as it was no longer contributing anything to my life, and next Wednesday I start a new trans group at the lesbian/gay center.
    I've donated most of my male clothing now (to ascnyc, an aids service group).
    I'll stop this stream of consciousness now and catch up on some of your entries
    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy
    This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot, and have been wanting to write something about - so here goes!!! It's the concept of a transgender "community" - does it exist?  Should it exist? It came up during the support group that I facilitate on Saturdays, so I thought it might be time to look at the issue myself a little more deeply - and see what others think :-)
    In 2 separate contexts I was told by people - who knew I was in the process of transitioning - that they knew trans people who would "disappear" after they transitioned. In one case it was with the LGBT tennis group I belonged to, that person wasn't talking about anyone with the tennis group, just a trans person they knew who basically left their entire social world behind as they transitioned. The other was a trans meetup group, where a member (who is a cross-dresser), commented that members who transition tend to disappear from the group. Well, in both cases I did exactly that. I joined a new tennis group this year, a non-LGBT group. I was going to maintain both memberships, but there isn't enough time to play matches with 2 groups. And I've pretty much stopped going to the meetup group. It should be noted that the person in the meetup group who made that comment also, on another occasion, half-seriously criticized me for dressing "boyish" (I wasn't, I just wasn't dressed up since I had been out doing things all day). Part of the reason for dropping that group, beyond the fact that it's essentially just a bar-hangout group, is that it mainly seems focused on people who really want to get totally dressed up. I'm not criticizing that, but it's not what I particularly want or need right now.
    So aside from this website, I'm not really part of a transgender community - and I feel ok about that? (I also co-facilitate trans support groups, but as a facilitator I don't consider myself to be part of the "community" that might arise from membership). To me it makes sense that gay men and lesbians have their respective communities - beyond the need to support each other socially and politically, they want to date each other (pardon the binary language). While I could certainly see dating a transgender man, it isn't my only option.
    On Saturday, after the group, I made another foray into the non-LGBT social world. I went to a bar where they show NC State football games - I'm happy that I went since I felt nervous about it, but disappointed as there didn't seem to be any other NC State people there :-(  (Worse still, the few people there seemed to be Syracuse people!!! I was not only alone as an NC State fan, I was in "enemy" territory).
    I suppose all of this is really just me trying to reconcile my transgender identity. It's been a source of strength, since living it out has required some level of courage and persistence, but it's also a source of depression - I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had just been born a cisgender woman. There have been times that I've tried to pretend that I'm not (if you look through my blog entries there will no doubt be a gap of a few months, that's when it happened), but then I do the support group, and I'm pretty open about it at school and my internship and even socially - so clearly I'm not trying to run away from it anymore. But still, living with it hasn't gotten particularly easy yet.
    So that was a bit of a ramble I suspect - but let me know what you think :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  13. Chrissy
    Hi all,

    Well, since last I wrote I have become unemployed – YAY!  It was by choice, I had been planning on going back to school part-time when my employer offered a reasonably generous “buy out” package, so I took it – this way I can go back to school full-time and finish in 2 years instead of 3 (I’ll be attending NYU in the fall, going for a Masters in Social Work).

    So for the next 2 months, until Orientation on August 31, I am completely free. What I hadn’t considered was the “identity crisis” that would create – let’s face it, most people identify by their job, and I currently have none, and although I’m registered for classes, I haven’t really started being a student yet either.

    That brings me to the main point of this entry!!! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have GRS (or SRS if you prefer) scheduled for December 27. Because this is sooner than we had been discussing, my therapist asked if we could start meeting twice a week for a while – she’s (hopefully) writing one of the letters I’ll need, so she wants to make sure we cover what needs to be covered. I’m fine with that – I have the time, I like her, and I think it’s important work (I don’t like the fact that the WPATH standards call for more than informed consent for surgery, but I still think it’s important to make sure you know what you’re getting into.

    As a starting point, I started a “list” of things that I think I should be aware of, considering, etc., in connection with GRS – I wanted to post that here and seek feedback – either additional items for the list, comments on the things I listed, whatever – and hopefully this can be of some help to others who are planning or even thinking about GRS J

    So here’s my list – just bullet-point form, for now without any details on my thoughts - and in no particular order:

    ·         How will peeing be different?

    ·         How will orgasms be different?

    ·         Clothing will fit different

    ·         I will feel more completely – fully a woman

    ·         I’ve had a penis all my life – is it possible I’d miss it?

    ·         What will care and “maintenance” be like?

    ·         Are there new health issues to be concerned about?  And are any health concerns being eliminated?

    ·         There’s no going back = unlike other parts of transitioning which are, more or less “reversible”

    ·         I probably have a better chance at a relationship as a gay man than as a straight woman – and this removes being able to “present” as a gay man

    ·         Could I handle regret if it lasted long-term?

    And I really, really want to emphasize that these are literally any thought or question I could think of – some of them seem more important to me, some of them barely register in terms of importance, but I think it’s necessary to address everything that you can think of. At this risk of sounding prematurely defensive, I say that just to preclude anyone from saying that “if X is really important you shouldn’t proceed with the surgery!”

  14. Chrissy

    Thanksgiving

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
    I'm not sure, since I haven't written lately, if I mentioned writing to my brother a few weeks ago about my transition (we don't speak often, so calling about it felt weird).  Anyway, he's not the most progressive thinking person, so I didn't know how he's react - and it had been a couple of weeks, so...
    He called me tonight.  He admitted to not understanding it (but heck, I don't either), but he said he's not going to judge and he is supportive
    He had some health concerns that I think I helped alleviate.
    My sister is still "absent," but thanks to this call I have to say I feel less alone tonight.  And he said he'll work on her (I resisted saying it was sweet of him to stick up for his little sister).
    It's just pointless wondering, but it made me wonder how it would have been different growing up if we had a big brother/little sister relationship
    anyway, wishing everyone the best for the holiday tomorrow.
    Christie
  15. Chrissy
    So, I asked a friend (cis-woman) if we could do lunch on Saturday - just said for now there was something I wanted to talk about. I plan to "come out" to her as transgender.

    It feels a little anti-climactic, after all she already knows I cross-dress and not for fetish reasons. But, outside of my therapist she will be the first person to whom (yes, i'm trying to keep "whom" alive!) I will have self-identified as trans.

    To me I think the big thing, besides actually saying it out loud, is thinking about how to explain what it means in my life. She won't be judgmental at all, she's awesome and totally supportive of pretty much everything, but it is a conversation and I'm sure she'll ask follow-up questions.

    Luckily i'm off work tomorrow, so I have time to think

    On another front, I fully merged my wardrobe tonight - I no longer own "mens" clothes and "womens" clothes, I just own "my" clothes.

    Hope all of the Christians out there have a lovely Good Friday, and happy Passover to all Jewish members! And a belated Blessed Ostara to any other Wiccans in the room!
  16. Chrissy

    Happy Holidays!

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    It's been a busy few weeks so I haven't had a chance to read or write here - I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season!
    My year is ending on a nice flourish.  First, I went back to Social Security with my new doctor's note and they've now corrected my gender in their records - and the woman I dealt with was extremely nice - possibly because she knows that what happened last time was so wrong.  She also referred to me as "ma'am" several times
    I got my new birth certificate the same day.
    Sent holiday cards to all my family and friends, including a note about my transition to anyone I hadn't told yet, I want to start 2016 with everyone knowing. I've already gotten a very nice note of support back from my cousin Betsy.  My brother's card (no doubt written by his girlfriend, based on the handwriting), included "Ms." before my name on the envelope
    On a broader front - NYC recently reaffirmed a law it passed previously that compels instance companies to cover transitioning costs!  There is no doubt some wiggle-room for them, but it's a positive developement, and one that could save me much money down the road.  I wrote to our HR person to see if they have more information.
    Finally, as the end of the year approaches I thought it would be good to reach out to people who have been especially supportive and encouraging over the year in my transition - so far that includes my therapist (yes it's technically her job, but she's been especially good at it), and Pattaya - the drag queen I regularly see and who let's me perform now and then - I have no doubt that performing helped move me along quicker than i might have, presenting as a woman in front of a bunch of people in a "safe" space.  The pic below is me with Pattaya on Tuesday night - I performed Debbie Gibson's "sleigh ride"
     
    And thank you to everyone here   this is a great community, providing lots of love and support and great practical inormation!
    Finally, for anyone out there going through hard times and feeling alone - please know that nothing is permanent. As I wrote above about the positive things in my life I was fully aware of the bad that had come before, and I know it will come again, that's just reality, for everyone.  I wish I had a nice quote to close this off with, but I'm a prose writer not a poet   Just know that no matter what, this is your one and only life, even if you can't pull off optimism right now you can again sometime!
    Love,
    Christie

  17. Chrissy

    New Name...

    By Chrissy,

    Good afternoon everyone!
    I mentioned in a post last week that I had started using Christie at work, in addition to everywhere else in my life.  This week, with the approval of the Dean and Associate Dean, I asked our IT Dept. to change my email address, which they did without question and quite quickly (within an hour of my request - and they NEVER do anything that fast).
    An email is being put together to send to the students I work directly with, and then another for the full school which won't mention me directly.  But all of them are becoming rapidly moot as people see my name on the email address - a number of students have already started calling me Christie in email to me.  I was getting a little anxious and hoping that they would finalize the emails quickly, but now I'm just accepting that word is spreading anyway, so the email can go when it goes.
    More important though is an email I rec'd from an outsider who was directed to me by one of our faculty members - I could see in the earlier emails between them that our faculty member referred to me as "she," and so when that person wrote to me I realized she is the first person to communicate with me who never knew me other than as Christie 
    xoxo

    Christie
  18. Chrissy

    "True Selves"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,

    I heard about this book in several blogs and/or forums last week as I was catching up, and I immediately purchased it. I've gotten about a quarter of the way through it (I picked up the pace considerably when I decided to read it during my commute, which is when I do most of my reading).

    I just finished the section on childhood years and it's already had a substantial impact on my thinking. In terms of being transsexual I would probably say that I'm not, but as I read more I become less and less convinced of that. I'd still say probably not, but the book is definitely making me think more. There were just so many examples they discuss of how children respond to being transgender that resonated with me (if it had just been a couple it might have been coincidence, but it was more).

    So to anyone and everyone who mentioned the book - thank you!

    xoxo

    Christie
  19. Chrissy
    I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not.  The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her).
    This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them!  This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from.
    On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-)   I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting.
    On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt).  The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it.  I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism.  There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives.  That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution.  Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown).
    They also had an interesting conversation about voices.  Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that.  Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there."  I really liked that comment.  And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says.
    Anyway - time to work now  :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
    Here's a picture from work today...

  20. Chrissy

    Finding Peace

    By Chrissy,

    Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for.  It might be a bit meandering.
    I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?"
    The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first choice; (2) the drag queen who often lets me guest perform is no longer doing her show at the bar I go to; (3) my 2 best friends are about to move to California; (4) one of my favorite uncles passed away in January; (5) ... I know there are a few more, but I'm blanking right now.
    This is all on top of having a job that has gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and there is absolutely no sign of it turning around anytime soon (or ever).
    So how do I find peace?  I used that line in therapy today and she asked me what that would look like to me, peace. My initial answer was that I would have a job that I didn't hate going to every day and didn't cause endless annoyance and stress. As I thought about it on my way back to work I know that that was too specific an answer, but a good lead-in to maybe figure it out.  Because it's not about getting things to be happening the way I want them to, it's about getting me to think about things differently.  I think the serenity prayer is always a good baseline - give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.
    I think this is related - but keep in mind I did say I might meander :-)  Every Wednesday I go to a supervision group for the volunteer organization I belong to, and last week (at our last session) I made a comment about how this group, for those 2 hours a week, allow me to feel completely comfortable with my complete identity.  It's not that they accept me being trans, it just is. And I thought afterwords that if I can feel that way in the group, i should be able to feel that way anywhere :-)  Just knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way makes it possible.
    To relate that back to the broader theme - I'm capable of accepting difficult things, so I should be able to accept any difficult thing.  Ok, that's just a starting point perhaps.
    One final point on the grad school thing. Being rejected by my first choice school actually hurt me a lot more than I expected.  I think that although I harbor some doubts about being able to do it, I assumed the choice would be mine (I'd be accepted and then decide if I want to go).  But this really was crushing - I got home from work the day I got the rejection and literally cried for about an hour (and even thinking about it right now almost makes me start again). It became really clear that "coming out" as transgender finally made it possible for me to realize where my passion lies, and to have that set-back on the path to fulfilling it was very painful.  It doesn't end things, I have a couple of other applications out still, but those options would be more difficult - but probably worth pursuing.
    So thank you to anyone who got this far - and if you didn't, well you're not seeing this now so there's no reason for me to say anything to you - but I understand :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    On Saturday I had lunch with a friend from school - and then we hung out for a few hours. I know him well, we were at the same field placement during our first year and we share a love of Taco Bell :-)   A discussion we had along the way on Saturday was about being "out" in class. With me it's about my transgender identity, with him it's about being a military veteran. On the surface for both of us is a desire to not be "the ___ student" (me "the trans student"). For him that might really be it, for me I think it goes deeper, I think it's a real desire to maintain my identity as a woman and the fear that being open about being trans undermines that. Even deeper is that internally I still see being trans as somehow making me less of a woman.
    The result of all this was that during my entire first year I had never said anything about my gender identity in class. I had said things about it individually to other students, but never during class - and it is a social work program, so there were many, many opportunities where I could have - and should have - said something. We both agreed that not sharing is both bad for us individually (it's hiding something) and we miss the opportunity to add something to the educational process for others (leaving out a major part of our life perspectives).
    That changed on Tuesday. We did a quick in-class exercise where she gave us each a short scenario, something that was designed to generate a negative response (mine was that I had applied for an apartment, and although I was fully qualified and the only person who was applying for it, the landlord rejected me). My initial response was confusion and assuming that it was because of my gender identity. I had a minute or 2 to think of an alternative, but I didn't. So for the first time I openly acknowledged my gender identity in class :-)
  22. Chrissy
    Hi everyone!

    I haven't posted in awhile, but I recently had these pics sent to me and wanted to share them - also to observe that I do want to share them!  That's been one of the more amazing parts of transitioning, before that I didn't want my picture taken, if it was I didn't want to see it, and I certainly wouldn't have shared it.
    These were taken at a lunch that we had after the completion of a recent round of supervision with the volunteer organization I belong to. The person taking them is one of the group members and was just taking lots of pictures, so I had largely forgotten that he was even doing it :-)  (clearly I also didn't realize that he was occasionally zooming-in, as in the first picture).
     
     



  23. Chrissy

    Background....

    By Chrissy,

    I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it!

    In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!).

    The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all).

    I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender).

    After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now...

    Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this).

    I'll save the more recent indicators for later

    xoxo

    Christie
  24. Chrissy
    Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!)
    I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's.  This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing.  I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink."  Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?"
    Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do 
    I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday.  It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis).  It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part.  Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!!  (it's worth it for the long-term benefit).  What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it.  It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation)
    Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy.  Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week.
    My new therapist continues to be wonderful!  And she gave me contact information for  TG support group in the city.  They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June.
    At work there was also a very positive development.  The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that).  When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure).  She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do.  I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done.  So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her.  I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet).
    Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city.  I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started.  He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do).  There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie 
    So on the whole this was a really good week!  Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going.
    I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend!
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  25. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    It took me a little to figure out how to get my pics on here (apparently I can't do it on my phone, it has to be on a computer so that I can resize the pics).  Below are three pics - two of them show the top that I wore for Pride - they gave us the t-shirts for marching with NYU, I modified mine, cuz ya know, boobs. It worked out nicely since the "Y" in "NYU" is centered so that I could cut the V into the top of it. One of these also shows the Trans pride flag that I had for the march :-)
    The march itself was fun, except for the beginning. We met at our staging area at 3:30 p.m. and didn't step off until 5:30 - it gets really hard standing around one area for 2 hours! But it was a lot of fun marching with NYU (this is the only year that I could do it as a current student, I didn't want to miss that). We had a couple of hundred people show up for our contingent (apparently about 1000 signed up, not all showed up of course).
    I broke off at around 7:00 (we were a little more than 1/2 way done with the march). Pattaya (my friend who does drag, who used to let me guest perform at her shows all the time) was doing a show at Le Singe Vert that ended at 8, so I didn't want to miss it. The last picture is of the two of us :-)
    So overall a good experience - I probably won't march again though, I'll just watch, it's more fun :-)  But this was the first Pride that I could do as physically a complete woman, so marching seemed right :-)  It also helped me overcome some of the ambivalence I have over identifying as transgender. When it came down to it, I marched carrying a trans pride flag, so clearly I'm ok identifying as such.
    xoxo
    Chrissy



×
×
  • Create New...