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Chrissy

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Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    HRT - tomorrow!

    By Chrissy,

    I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment!  This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s).
    In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it.  My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that.  She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem.  That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear.  She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism.  So again, hopefully that's true :-)
    As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing.  Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away.
    One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day.  As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look.  This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look.  Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case.  A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror.  It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself!
    22 1/2 hours to go :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  2. Chrissy

    HRT - yesterday!

    By Chrissy,

    Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday 
    I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME!  I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph.  The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription.  It didn't, he gave that to me anyway.  So delay averted.
    He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen.  But he's a man, so what does he know.
    I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight.  That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement.
    I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.
  3. Chrissy

    HRT Update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!!  Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress!
    I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-)
    He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  4. Chrissy

    I am Cait...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    So, I watched "I am Cait" last night, I think I honestly went in fairly objectively.  I was concerned about another Kardashian-like reality show, but encouraged by Caitlyn's comments at the Espy Awards.  Overall I was happy with the show.  It's only the first episode of course, but I very much appreciated her comments in support of those trans* people who are less fortunate than her, and in her reaching out to the family who lost their son to suicide.  Highlighting these issues, while telling her own transition story, could/should be very helpful to the trans* community in general - I hope (the only time I got nervous was when Kanye showed up - be he didn't do anything stupid fortunately).
    She had me tearing up early on with some of her opening comments, and then full-on crying at the end talking about the suicide problem (I feel it coming on again thinking about it).
    One thing I thought during the show was that I hope some of my family members watch this.
    xoxo 
    Christie
    (P.S., on the personal front - 10 days until my endocrinologist appointment and hopefully HRT prescription!  I got excited yesterday when I realized the appointment is next Thursday rather than next Friday as I had been thinking - 1 less day to wait than I thought!!!)
  5. Chrissy
    Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism
    It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake.
    I think it is, indirectly transition-related.  It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns.  Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing.
    Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake
    sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out
    Christie
  6. Chrissy

    Insurance update

    By Chrissy,

    I got some relatively good news from my insurance company today (I don't think I've ever written or said that before!).
    They definitely cover GRS - after I pay a $1500 deductible (which is fine, they cover 100% after that).
    Initially I thought they didn't cover breast augmentation as it is listed on the "exclusions" list - but then after the agent said that it should be I found a later reference in the document saying that if, after 12 months of hormones, you don't feel they have grown sufficiently to feel comfortable for your gender, breast augmentation may be covered.  I think since I didn't start HRT until 49 yo it's likely they won't grow that much from hormones alone, so this will probably be covered as well.
  7. Chrissy

    It's happening again...

    By Chrissy,

    I could almost think it's something about me, but it's not.
    In my previous position with the school I provided administrative support to the Law Review (a student publication).  Under the original faculty publisher I had a lot of responsibility, and it grew over time.  Then a new faculty publisher came in and suddenly I found my position gradually (though not slowly) being diminished.  She never bothered to even learn what I did and started giving the students more and more responsibility which had formerly been mine (and responsibility that they really couldn't handle given their schedules).  So I felt like I was effectively demoted without changing positions.
    In September I moved to the Marketing Department and immediately loved my new job, my new responsibilities, and my new boss.  At the time I reported directly to the Vice President of Marketing, and she gave me quite a bit of autonomy in my position (maybe too much, who knows).
    In December the VP left.  In the interim her management responsibilities were split between another VP and a manager in our department (I took on some of her non-management responsibilities).  So for the transition period I knew that I was working under that manager.  I wasn't thrilled by that - I like her, but she's not a very good supervisor (her communication skills are seriously lacking).  But I figured I could survive, and they were pretty quick in finding a new VP, so all seemed good.
    Then in early January the Dean sent an email to the entire school announcing the new VP.  At the bottom of that email he also mentioned that the manager I had been temporarily working under had been promoted to Assistant VP, and among her responsibilities was supervising some of the Marketing Dept., INCLUDING ME!!!  So, I had been once again effectively demoted (adding a new person/position directly above you in the chain of command is a demotion), and only found out about it through an email that went to the entire school.
    I decided over the weekend that there really isn't much I can do about the situation except start to develop an exit strategy.  I've only been in this position for about 5 months, and it's a new role, so I definitely need to hold out longer and learn more.  I'd also like to get through my surgeries while I'm still here rather than having to deal with that with a new employer (especially GRS since it will involve a longer recovery time).
    While it's nice to have an exit strategy in mind, it doesn't help much in terms of getting through day-to-day.
    So anyway, I just needed to get that out somewhere :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  8. Chrissy

    long time...

    By Chrissy,

    It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male.
    I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(
  9. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,
    So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time.
    The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my brother and sister and first cousins), but most of the rest didn't, so on top of being a sad occasion I had to basically "come out" at it - it was an interesting balance, obviously it's a funeral so it's not about me, but it's not like my transition is a subtle thing that nobody will notice if I don't mention it! And going as a guy was out of the question (one of my friends asked me after if I thought I would have been more or less comfortable if I had presented as a male for this - I told him I don't really know because I can't even imagine doing that - he liked that answer).
    Anyway, the first issue was that the first group of people I saw were more distant relatives who didn't know about my transitioning, and it occurred to me that i hadn't thought about how to "introduce" myself. I introduced myself with my current name, but several times added "formerly _____" so that they would know who I am.
    I didn't have any negative incidents - there may have been a couple of people who avoided interacting with me, but those who did were all perfectly friendly. One of my cousins (who knew already) commented towards the end about how much happier I seem (and that's at a funeral!)
    So after a lot of stress leading up to it, it ended up being a good experience.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  10. Chrissy

    Mon anniversaire

    By Chrissy,

    Bonjour toute le monde!
    As it's passed midnight it's now officially my birthday - 49 years old today (really at 12:39 pm).
    In prior years i've swung between not wanting to think about it being my birthday, to putting too much emphasis and really wanting to celebrate (which never worked our as planned).  This year I feel content with doing whatever comes up and otherwise doing some introspection and planning.  I might go down to the shore (the "beach" for those of you not from New Jersey).
    I went out on Tuesday night in my new wig, a "test run" if you will.  I was really happy with how it looked, I just need to learn how to secure it better.  I probably won't start wearing it full time until i'm further along with electrolysis.
    this next thing is pretty intangible, and u think much of my introspection/planning today will be on this point - this is partly about presentation, but I also know that I need to stop thinking about "becoming" a woman and instead recognize that I am a woman and living as such.  I noticed on tuesday and on the train tonight that I no longer feel connected to gay men.  Not that i'm ditching all of my relationships, but I don't feel connected to the "community" anymore, which makes me want to feel more connected to the straight (or bi) woman "community."  Whatever all that means
    Here's a picture from tuesday, i'm on the left

  11. Chrissy
    I had a brief email exchange with one of my bosses yesterday, it started off with me distinguishing between "shopping" and "buying" (I won't go into the boring details of how that came up), and I said -

    "If only the people in the mailroom knew what was in the many packages I get delivered here…"

    Her response (she knows about my cross-dressing, but not that I'm TG) -

    "Ha ha. They'd think you were surprising your girlfriend I bet. You really don't tip off the layperson."

    I honestly found that her comment bothered me - I wasn't upset at her at all, it just made me wish that I "really DID" tip off the layperson more. This isn't a big deal at all, she only sees me at work and I know I'll have to further along in my journey before I push the envelope too much at work.

    The point of this is that it did give me the little extra motivation I needed this morning to go to the gym in the new cute pair of shorts that I got recently. Those, along with the t-shirt and running shoes I wore, created a pretty decidedly female look :)
  12. Chrissy

    Mountains and valleys

    By Chrissy,

    Hello all!

    I just looked back to see when I did my first blog posting, for some reason I thought it was just earlier this week but it was actually early last week. It simultaneously seems shorter and longer than that.

    Anyway, I'll get to the point of the subject line of this entry - "mountains and valleys." It's a reference to a line from a Debbie Gibson song that I love ("Over the Wall") - "mountains and valleys are better than nothing at all." It might not have been her original thought, but I really do love the song (it also contains the line "What do you think about when every day is over and done?" which I wrote on a note that I keep by my bed so that I see it at the start of each day).

    This week was a good example of mountains and valleys for me - the valley would be what I wrote about in "A Cloudy Day," and the mountain was obviously the incredibly sweet gesture by a random stranger that I wrote about yesterday. Collectively it drives home the point that this journey will have a lot of mountains, and a lot of valleys, and I'm sure they'll be far more extreme on both ends than anything that's happened so far.

    I really wanted to write today to thank everyone on this site who has written to me or commented to my blog entries! I'm so happy, and very lucky that I came across this website, it won't cover every need that will come up, but it's such an incredibly great resource to have, especially the connection to all of you!

    My other big, personal take-away from the past couple of weeks is about my place on the transsexual spectrum. When I first told people that I am transgender (and even before that when I told them about my cross-dressing), some would ask if I was transsexual (they actually asked if I was going to get "the surgery") and at that time I would tell them that I was 99% sure that I wouldn't. Since then my journey has taken me where I didn't necessarily expect I was going to to. As I take each new step and it feels right, and it feels good, I take another step. The bottom line for me (sorry, I know I already used "take-away") is that my answer to their question now will be "possibly," and "I'll need some time to ask questions and explore."

    I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm going to try to go as tech-free as possible (I'm getting a little too addicted to my phone).

    XOXO

    Christie
  13. Chrissy

    My journey...update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,

    Happy Friday!!!

    Some follow-up from last week, there was one friend I hadn't heard from after I emailed him last week, I wasn't too worried, but I admit I was a little worried (he doesn't live nearby, so i don't get to see him in person as much). Anyway, I texted him yesterday to see if he had gotten the email, he hadn't (some problem accessing his Yahoo email). He now has seen it and was as supportive and I expected (before getting pointlessly worried because of not getting a response).

    I told my sister last Thursday night. It went as I would have predicted if I had thought about it. She wasn't supportive - not openly hostile, but she was denying and rejecting and thoughtless and insensitive. She might come around, the problem is that the "thoughtless and insensitive" part is pretty recurring. That's why I knew I had to tell all of my friends first.

    Now I'm trying to think about my next steps. I think I'm at or near a tipping point where almost anything I do is going to be very obvious, essentially a public "coming out." The things I've done so far have feminized my look, but not to the point where most people would start wondering what's going on. Fortunately it's a good time of the year at work, we're about to go into exam period and then summer break, so it will mostly be staff around for the next few months. That gives me a chance to take more steps with a more limited audience and get used to it before a lot of students are around.

    I think my next big step is going to be to work on my female voice. I've done it in the past, but not consistently enough that I've felt comfortable using it in front of anyone. Since I decided to start going back to the Thursday night TG/CD group I want to be ready by then to try it publicly, even if it's not flawless (which seems reasonable).

    And I want to thank everyone here again for all your wonderful comments and support! This site has been vital to me in this journey!

    xoxo

    Christie
  14. Chrissy
    Well, my name change became official this past Monday (the 19th).  I was hoping to get some documents taken care of, but was thwarted by the court, they hadn't recorded the last filing, so I couldn't get the certified copy of the order that I needed.  I got that this morning - yay!!!  But then the social security office was closed (at noon!  what's that about!?!?).  I'm hoping tomorrow morning I can get social security and driver's license done, then I'll have what I need to plow through the rest of my list (that'll take a few weeks, but I've prioritized it).
    I'm also changing my gender identification for social security and driver's license, they required 2 different certifications (one from a doctor, one from a therapist), but I have both documents now.
    As I filled out the payment form at the court I realized it was the first time I officially wrote my new name on something, that felt very good :-)
    I went out Monday night with a couple of friends for dinner to celebrate "name day" - we went to a TGIF's in Jersey.  The evening started off very nicely as the hostess complimented my make-up (which was especially nice as it was the make-up i had on all day, just a little touched-up before dinner).  I'll do something more tomorrow night assuming I get my driver's license.
    xoxo
    Christie
  15. Chrissy

    New job

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Saturday everyone!
    I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose).
    The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts.  I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing clerical work.  Of course I get feedback on what I do, but I enjoy a lot of trust from my supervisor (and her feedback has all been very good and constructive - and reasonable considering I just started).
    So between my transition and my new position at work, things feel so much better!  (The salary increase helps too - ironic that after becoming a woman they started paying me more).
    As a quick side-note, on Monday i'll be finishing off donating my male clothing, which also feels good (and admittedly I had worried a little about how i"d feel doing it).  I found a group in NYC that provides services to people with AIDS, the clothing goes to those with limited resources, so I feel really good about that!
    And one correction - in my last post I misspelled my new middle name, it is "Anne," not "Ann."
    Final bit, I bought the cape below today  (and a couple of fall/winter coats).
    Xoxo
    Christie
     

  16. Chrissy

    New Name...

    By Chrissy,

    Good afternoon everyone!
    I mentioned in a post last week that I had started using Christie at work, in addition to everywhere else in my life.  This week, with the approval of the Dean and Associate Dean, I asked our IT Dept. to change my email address, which they did without question and quite quickly (within an hour of my request - and they NEVER do anything that fast).
    An email is being put together to send to the students I work directly with, and then another for the full school which won't mention me directly.  But all of them are becoming rapidly moot as people see my name on the email address - a number of students have already started calling me Christie in email to me.  I was getting a little anxious and hoping that they would finalize the emails quickly, but now I'm just accepting that word is spreading anyway, so the email can go when it goes.
    More important though is an email I rec'd from an outsider who was directed to me by one of our faculty members - I could see in the earlier emails between them that our faculty member referred to me as "she," and so when that person wrote to me I realized she is the first person to communicate with me who never knew me other than as Christie 
    xoxo

    Christie
  17. Chrissy

    New path

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring).
    In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially.  Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that?
    It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month).
    Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  18. Chrissy

    New therapist

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!

    I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3).

    As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her, and during the course of the first session she made me feel more and more comfortable. She seems very well versed in the various issues around transitioning, and the complexity of what it means to transition.

    She also asked me early on if I have pronoun preferences (which in hindsight seemed interesting, after all, in a one-on-one conversation with therapy is, how often do pronouns come up?). She also asked me which name I'd prefer to use. At first I went with my male name, most likely because out of necessity I was presenting more male at the time, but then I switched it to my female (REAL) name.

    So between her, my friends, and the wonderful people on this website I feel like I have a great support system in place as I proceed along this journey (perhaps even family will join the group at some point, anything is possible).

    xoxo

    Christie
  19. Chrissy
    Tomorrow is New York Pride! It's expected to be one of the biggest ever as a result of the emotional impact of the Orlando shootings - and there will also be an increased NYPD presence as a result of the shootings. I expect that they'll do a moment of silence for Orlando - they do it each year for those lost to HIV/AIDs, and it's always an incredibly moving experience - you're on the streets of NYC with thousands and thousands of people, and there isn't a single sound (otherwise it's almost impossible to be on 5th Ave. or in the Village in total silence, except perhaps during a snowstorm).
    For me, this is my first NY Pride since I started transitioning.  Last year at this time I had "come out," but I hadn't really started transitioning yet (I went for a gender bending look at Pride). So this will also be the first time I'm actually marching and not just watching (I did also volunteer one year). I'm planning to march with Identity House, the peer counseling organization I volunteer with, which is what prompted me to march. In the past I've wanted to, but didn't really have any group that I felt strongly enough about to march with.
    But back to the point about it being the first Pride since my transition started. That has prompted me to look squarely at my own ambivalence about being trans.  I don't mean that I question whether I am or not, any question like that was resolved LONG ago - I mean that at some level, at some times, I try to reject my identity as a transwoman, and "just" be a woman. Sometimes it's an affirmative thing, I'm affirming my gender identity as a woman, other times though it's a negative, it's me trying to not be trans.
    This is kind of a hard thing to acknowledge here in particular - on this website - but I think that makes it more important to do. I went to the Transgender Health Conference in Philadelphia a few weeks ago and realized that I felt very uncomfortable. In my day-to-day life I'm typically the only trans person around, this was a rare situation where I was in roomfuls of trans people, and I wasn't comfortable, which upset me a lot.
    I don't think it's unusual, perhaps others (many others even) here have experienced it - or something similar. There is an underlying wish - that is, I have an underlying wish that I had just been born a cisgender woman - and it can feel horrible to recognize that that will simply never be my reality. There is no amount of transitioning that will ever make me a cisgender woman.
    I am taking a step to work through this tomorrow at Pride - I found a shirt on-line to wear, a pink tank-top that says "Trans Women are Real Women" :-)  I think it's important for me to take ownership of that message - keeping in mind that while I'm wearing it for Pride, I'll also be wearing it as I travel back and forth to the city, which means around an audience that isn't necessarily receptive to the message.
    So I just wanted to - or rather, felt the need to - share that. I'll post some pics on Monday :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  20. Chrissy

    Next step...hair

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I took a somewhat unexpected next step on Friday - and it came with a pretty big bit of self-realization.
    Since I started wearing a wig regularly (going on 2 years now) I've been rather relaxed about haircuts. The last couple of haircuts were self-inflicted - I mean "self-done" - and so my natural hair has, I'm sure, not looked so great. But it didn't matter, nobody was seeing it - even if I just went downstairs for laundry, etc., I'd at least wear a baseball cap.
    It occurred to me that if I actually met someone and started dating, they would eventually need to see it. So I've known for a little while that I at least needed to get a real haircut and not keep doing it myself. At a practical level I wasn't sure how that would work - would I go someplace without a wig on to get it done?  Unlikely. Would I wear it and take it off when I got there? That seemed likely, but possibly awkward.
    I had lunch with a friend on Friday (Bastille Day!!!) and mentioned all of this, and showed her a picture I had found on-line of a hair style that I thought might work for me (BTW, my hair is quite thin, and there is some male-pattern baldness, that's what's made going natural so difficult for me). She agreed with the style, and with my "plan" to go to Supercuts after our lunch. To help me along she insisted that I send her a selfie when I was done :-)   I like that kind of thing, being "backed into a corner" helps overcome any last-minute jitters.
    So I went to Supercuts. There was one guy and two women doing hair - I was hoping not to get the guy - I didn't. I explained to the person who did my hair that the last cuts had been my own before I took the wig off, and I showed her the picture I found. I knew she couldn't do exactly what was in the picture, I don't have enough hair :-(   But she got the idea, she knew what I was going for, and she did a great job!!!  I had fully anticipated that I would put the wig back on when we were done, but then I didn't, I went home "natural" (and mind you this was in the city, so "going home" involved a 10 minute walk in Manhattan to the PATH train, a 20 minute train ride, then a 10 minute walk home). It's not my "fantasy" hair style, but I'm not likely to ever have that (see above re "not enough hair", plus I don't think the Farrah hairstyle is so popular these days).
    Below is a picture I took after I got home (so my hair was dry). A "pixie cut" as I came to learn is what it's called :-)  Pardon the exposed bra strap and lack of any make-up!
    The self-realization happened because as I was walking home I felt a sense of liberation from not wearing a wig. I realized that I had let my wig(s) represent my gender - subconsciously I only felt like a woman with a wig on. Not that I won't ever wear them again, but I need to work through this (especially now that I'm on summer break, so I have some freedom to ease in). Friday night I had to make a trip to Rite Aid, so I decided to do it without a wig. Then yesterday when I went to play tennis I didn't wear it, and again today I went to the gym and the supermarket without it. It really does feel good, it feels like another step towards authenticity :-)
    ***Please know that I'm not criticizing wearing wigs!!! I know a lot of trans people do, and obviously I was for 2 years and probably will continue to do so. I just personally need to know that I'm fully me with or without it***
    Here's a pic -
     
    And unrelated to this post - here is a picture of Cinammon. I got her a few days before my GRS (at Duane Reade when I was getting my surgery-related prescriptions), she went with me to Philadelphia for the surgery, was with me through the entire recovery and ever since :-)  Particularly in the few weeks right after surgery, when I couldn't really write in a journal, I often talked with her about things that I was feeling...she's a great listener, she doesn't judge, she just smiles :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy
    One purpose of this entry is to "back myself into a corner" - by publicly stating a goal i'll hopefully feel more pressure to do it
    Next week at work I plan to (1) start wearing my wig, and (2) wear a skirt at least a couple of days.  Below are a couple of pics from today - i didn't do makeup today, i'll do that tomorrow and post another
     


  22. Chrissy
    Hello all,
    This past weekend I spent a lot of time out at the National Tennis Center in Queens, NY (where the US Open is played). The LGBT tennis group I belong to was hosting the Atlantic Cup (which is a team competition between our group and groups from Boston, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC).  Although a shoulder injury keeps me from playing right now I went out to help and to stay in contact with the group (I've been a member for about 4 years, there are so many wonderful people there!).
    I experienced 2, and then a 3rd group of people with respect to my "new" identity.  Most of the members of my group already knew about my transition, so those people were just seeing me for the first time as Christie.  Then there were the players from the other cities who never knew me at all, so those people were meeting me as Christie - I especially enjoyed that.  Then there was the group (of 2 people) I hadn't thought about - a couple of members of our group who didn't know.  When one of them arrived he addressed me as [insert birth name here], and I realized that I needed to correct that.  It was fairly simple, I just hadn't thought about it happening (especially as this was on Sunday, so I had already been around there for a day +).
    Everyone in the tennis group has been really great about it - as were all of the people from the other cities (and I know I'm not fully "passable," so many of them must have figured out that I was trans without being told).
    As far as my transition, well I have my endocrinologist appointment later this week, so I'm quite excited about that :-)   I'm holding off on any decision or action about a wig.  I need to let electrolysis move along a little further, and give hormones a chance to start making physical changes.  In the meantime I'll continue working with my natural hair to see what I can do with it.  I will occasionally wear the wig out socially, I just won't "pull the trigger" on wearing it to work just yet.
    I did reach out to one surgeon via email - I explained that it was very early but that I wanted to get some basic information, especially about timing, so that if and when the time comes that I decide I'm ready for surgery I'll have an idea of what to do.  The one I contacted was the only one in NYC listed as doing all FTM surgeries.  Well, it turns out his maximum price for SRS is $60,000.  That, together with the fact that he only does that surgery in Los Angeles, pretty much makes him a non-starter for me. On Thursday I'm planning to ask the endocrinologist if he has an recommendations.
    xoxo
    Christie
  23. Chrissy

    NY Pride

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    Sunday is NY Pride, it will be my first as a physical woman!!!  Last year I was presenting full-time, but no surgeries yet. The year before was more of a gender-bending year.
    I'll post pics - I'm marching with NYU, so I have the shirt they gave us - I altered it to make it a v-neck, I wanted cleavage 😛
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     
     
  24. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    It took me a little to figure out how to get my pics on here (apparently I can't do it on my phone, it has to be on a computer so that I can resize the pics).  Below are three pics - two of them show the top that I wore for Pride - they gave us the t-shirts for marching with NYU, I modified mine, cuz ya know, boobs. It worked out nicely since the "Y" in "NYU" is centered so that I could cut the V into the top of it. One of these also shows the Trans pride flag that I had for the march :-)
    The march itself was fun, except for the beginning. We met at our staging area at 3:30 p.m. and didn't step off until 5:30 - it gets really hard standing around one area for 2 hours! But it was a lot of fun marching with NYU (this is the only year that I could do it as a current student, I didn't want to miss that). We had a couple of hundred people show up for our contingent (apparently about 1000 signed up, not all showed up of course).
    I broke off at around 7:00 (we were a little more than 1/2 way done with the march). Pattaya (my friend who does drag, who used to let me guest perform at her shows all the time) was doing a show at Le Singe Vert that ended at 8, so I didn't want to miss it. The last picture is of the two of us :-)
    So overall a good experience - I probably won't march again though, I'll just watch, it's more fun :-)  But this was the first Pride that I could do as physically a complete woman, so marching seemed right :-)  It also helped me overcome some of the ambivalence I have over identifying as transgender. When it came down to it, I marched carrying a trans pride flag, so clearly I'm ok identifying as such.
    xoxo
    Chrissy



  25. Chrissy
    I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter.  The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points.  Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly.  I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement.
    http://goo.gl/yhCB5G
    I've been looking to get involved somehow myself. I went to the Trans Day of Action a couple of weeks ago.  I felt a bit out of place, just because I didn't know anyone.  But at the same time it started to make me want to get involved again.  In the past I've been politically active, but I had become pretty apathetic over the past few years.  This seems like something that can get my activist spirit going again  
    But the article, and the Trans Day of Action, really got me thinking more about my identity as a transwoman.  As anyone who's read any of my blog entries probably knows, I've been quite focuses on "passing" (whether I called it that or not in any particular entry).  But there is really nothing to "pass" as - I am a transwoman.  I plan to start HRT, which will have some physical and emotional impact, but already I am dressing the way I want, I am doing make-up the way I want, overall I am presenting the way I want.  I have a few more steps to take in terms of what I wear - I have been exclusively in pants so far and I know that I really, really want to wear skirts and dresses (I've done it cross-dressing, but now I want to do it for real).
    I'll continue doing electrolysis - but otherwise I need to stop obsessing over "what else I need to do" and just start living it.  As far as the wig, I may or may not choose to wear it - I did wear it for the entire evening on Saturday to try to get the feel of it, and it wasn't bad, but I don't know if I want that full time rather than just working with my natural hair.
    I think the take-away from this for me is that while I am still transitioning, I am now transitioning within the realm of being a transwoman - I moving towards my identity as such, I'm not longer transitioning from male to female, that's done, the male is behind me (feel free to add your own innuendo to that thought - I just did).
    The biggest hurdle I have right now - that I have to overcome very, very soon - is the rest room.  I've still been using the mens' room, even though I feel more and more uncomfortable every time I go in there.  Today I honestly felt like I had no business being in there (most times it hasn't been too much of an issue because I've been alone, but today someone else is in there).
    Since I'm on the subject of "identity" I also wanted to add a thought I've been having on the topic of dressing "appropriately."  Some may disagree with me, but while I agree that it's the right thing to do to consider what you're doing or where you're going in terms of how you dress (going to work, going to a wedding, going to a funeral, etc.), I don't agree that age should really be a consideration.  When I'm at work, I dress appropriately for work.  When it's the weekend, honestly I probably dress "younger" than my age, and I'm happy with that.  I do think that if you're dressing younger because you're actually trying to be "younger" that's something that you might want to discuss in therapy, but if you're dressing "younger" because you like the fashion, then go for it.  People dress all sorts of ways, some that appeal to us individually, some that don't, and that's great.  If everyone (even everyone at work) was dressed exactly like me right now that would be really boring.
    I'll leave it at that - especially since it's Bastille Day and I have some partying to do :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
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