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Chrissy

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  1. Chrissy
    I see I haven't updated since April 28, so I'm behind on a few items :-)
    My job - where I've worked for 10+ years now - recently announced employee buy-outs b/c they need to cut the budget.  Since I was already planning on going back to school, I took the buy-out and will now go back full-time (to NYU for a Masters in Social Work). Now I'm just here at work riding out my time until probably June 30 - it's SOOOO boring!!!
    On other fronts - next Monday I have a consult with a bottom surgeon in the Philadelphia area - very excited about that!  And in mid-July I have another appt with the top surgeon in Albany - to finalize details, etc.  That surgery is scheduled for August 19 - one of my friends who is a student, and thus free during the summer, is going with me (you have to have someone with you).
  2. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    It took me a little to figure out how to get my pics on here (apparently I can't do it on my phone, it has to be on a computer so that I can resize the pics).  Below are three pics - two of them show the top that I wore for Pride - they gave us the t-shirts for marching with NYU, I modified mine, cuz ya know, boobs. It worked out nicely since the "Y" in "NYU" is centered so that I could cut the V into the top of it. One of these also shows the Trans pride flag that I had for the march :-)
    The march itself was fun, except for the beginning. We met at our staging area at 3:30 p.m. and didn't step off until 5:30 - it gets really hard standing around one area for 2 hours! But it was a lot of fun marching with NYU (this is the only year that I could do it as a current student, I didn't want to miss that). We had a couple of hundred people show up for our contingent (apparently about 1000 signed up, not all showed up of course).
    I broke off at around 7:00 (we were a little more than 1/2 way done with the march). Pattaya (my friend who does drag, who used to let me guest perform at her shows all the time) was doing a show at Le Singe Vert that ended at 8, so I didn't want to miss it. The last picture is of the two of us :-)
    So overall a good experience - I probably won't march again though, I'll just watch, it's more fun :-)  But this was the first Pride that I could do as physically a complete woman, so marching seemed right :-)  It also helped me overcome some of the ambivalence I have over identifying as transgender. When it came down to it, I marched carrying a trans pride flag, so clearly I'm ok identifying as such.
    xoxo
    Chrissy



  3. Chrissy
    Hi all,

    Well, since last I wrote I have become unemployed – YAY!  It was by choice, I had been planning on going back to school part-time when my employer offered a reasonably generous “buy out” package, so I took it – this way I can go back to school full-time and finish in 2 years instead of 3 (I’ll be attending NYU in the fall, going for a Masters in Social Work).

    So for the next 2 months, until Orientation on August 31, I am completely free. What I hadn’t considered was the “identity crisis” that would create – let’s face it, most people identify by their job, and I currently have none, and although I’m registered for classes, I haven’t really started being a student yet either.

    That brings me to the main point of this entry!!! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have GRS (or SRS if you prefer) scheduled for December 27. Because this is sooner than we had been discussing, my therapist asked if we could start meeting twice a week for a while – she’s (hopefully) writing one of the letters I’ll need, so she wants to make sure we cover what needs to be covered. I’m fine with that – I have the time, I like her, and I think it’s important work (I don’t like the fact that the WPATH standards call for more than informed consent for surgery, but I still think it’s important to make sure you know what you’re getting into.

    As a starting point, I started a “list” of things that I think I should be aware of, considering, etc., in connection with GRS – I wanted to post that here and seek feedback – either additional items for the list, comments on the things I listed, whatever – and hopefully this can be of some help to others who are planning or even thinking about GRS J

    So here’s my list – just bullet-point form, for now without any details on my thoughts - and in no particular order:

    ·         How will peeing be different?

    ·         How will orgasms be different?

    ·         Clothing will fit different

    ·         I will feel more completely – fully a woman

    ·         I’ve had a penis all my life – is it possible I’d miss it?

    ·         What will care and “maintenance” be like?

    ·         Are there new health issues to be concerned about?  And are any health concerns being eliminated?

    ·         There’s no going back = unlike other parts of transitioning which are, more or less “reversible”

    ·         I probably have a better chance at a relationship as a gay man than as a straight woman – and this removes being able to “present” as a gay man

    ·         Could I handle regret if it lasted long-term?

    And I really, really want to emphasize that these are literally any thought or question I could think of – some of them seem more important to me, some of them barely register in terms of importance, but I think it’s necessary to address everything that you can think of. At this risk of sounding prematurely defensive, I say that just to preclude anyone from saying that “if X is really important you shouldn’t proceed with the surgery!”

  4. Chrissy

    GRS Part II

    By Chrissy,

    Hi again,
    I wanted to post some more now that I've actually had my surgery (YAY!!!!), especially for anyone thinking about or planning the surgery themselves - everyone's experience is different, but this might give some things to consider:
    Monday, Dec. 26 - I arrived in Philadelphia and checked-in to my hotel.  Went to a Target Express nearby to load up on food and beverages for the days after surgery when I'd be at the hotel, knowing that getting out for food would be tough.  Around noon I started bowel prep (Magnesium Citrate and Dulcolax, and a couple of other prescriptions).  That went on through the day, culminating in an enema at 4 a.m.  I unpacked and tried to set things up as much as I could to be ready for when I got back - then I packed my bag of stuff to go to the hospital (including Cinnamon, my new stuffed bear).
    Tuesday, Dec. 27 - I had to be at the hospital by 10:30 a.m., and it's only a few minutes away from here.  I was still up early - nerves no doubt.  My brother called to check-in and asked if someone could call him when the surgery was done.  Around 9:30 I got a call from the hospital asking if I could show up early, Dr. Rumer was running early.  So I left and got to the hospital before 10 a.m. (Hahnemann University Hospital - it's affiliated with Drexel University).
    I went through check-in - a bunch of questions standard for any surgery.  Got changed into the gowns they gave me.  Then the anesthesiologist came by and put in the tube (or whatever it is they put in). I saw Dr. Rumer and her PA quickly - people kept asking if I had any questions, but really I didn't.
    Got taken into the operating room at 11:09 a.m. (they call it when the patient is brought in), and got moved to the operating table.  Next thing I know I wake up in another room.  They had called my brother at 1:40, so I know it took about 2.5 hours in total.  I called him around 4:00 when I was more coherent
    I spent the next 2 days in a hospital bed, unable to get up or move much at all.  My only real complaint is that the bed had about a 2" mattress, which I think is way too small for being on bedrest for 2 days (I told the PA about that later).  The nurses were nice, but it took a long time to get almost anything.  I do know that I couldn't do their job, and they don't make enough money (I don't know how much they make, but it can't be enough).
    So my new vagina is still packed, and has 3 tubes coming out of it - 1 going to a Foley bag (urine) and 2 going to smaller containers collecting blood.  The nurses periodically emptied them.  I had no hunger, which was good because the food was truly awful (how do you make scrambled eggs not good!?!?).
    Thursday, Dec. 29 - I got discharged - yay!!!  It took forever, but it finally happened.  Before that I had to actually get up and start moving, which was so much harder than I expected - I did fine with it, but there was light-headedness and nausea.
    They sent me back to the hotel in a taxi - and I've been here since.  Pretty much staying in bed except to go to the bathroom (including emptying the bags) and getting food.
    I don't really feel any pain from the surgery - the biggest pain is my butt from the hospital bed, that's the main reason I've been taking the percocet since then.
    On Tuesday morning I got for my follow-up, which is when they'll remove the tubes and packing.  Then I stay one more night (to make sure everything is ok after they take the stuff out) and go home the next day.
    Emotionally - I won't lie, on Thursday I had moments when I thought I might be feeling regret, but it was entirely about how I was feeling and knowing that the surgery caused that - as I've started feeling more normal any such thoughts went away and I'm getting back to feeling thrilled about this :-)   (I think that will be complete when the packing comes out and I can actually see it)
    More later!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  5. Chrissy

    Update

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all!
    So my recovery seems to be going well. I had my follow-up with the surgeon and they removed the packing and tubes. That felt so much better! They showed me how to dilate - wasn't too bad.
    Yesterday I came home - I've never been so happy to be home! Recovery is easier in my own place with my own stuff.
    For 4 weeks I have to dilate 4x a day for 20 minutes each. I'm still working on my positioning, it gets a little uncomfortable and tedious, but I'll survive :-)
    Otherwise for now it's a lot of TV and reading. Barring complications I should be able to go back to school and my internship the week of the 23rd.
    At a more fundamental level - as swelling starts to recede it's easier to see what I have now, and it's pretty awesome 👯 
    More later!
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     
  6. Chrissy

    Book Project

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I met on Tuesday with a person who is working on a book project about "transformations." Although not gender-specific, she indicated that most of the people she thinks will be featured will be female. One section of the book will be dedicated to trans-identified people, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them 
    Each person featured will have a short blurb, something about their story of transformation, and then a few related pictures. I'll write the initial blurb myself - my slant on it, as of now, is the idea that what started as a transition that I viewed as being to "become a woman" turned into a transition that I viewed as being to "become me." I'm also going to write the general introduction for the transgender section - her goal is to elevate our stories through this book, so that should be a really awesome project to be part of.
    More later 
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  7. Chrissy

    "Transition"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
    But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition."  Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
    And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
    The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
    I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think 
    xoxo
    Chrissy 
  8. Chrissy
    Hi everyone!

    I haven't posted in awhile, but I recently had these pics sent to me and wanted to share them - also to observe that I do want to share them!  That's been one of the more amazing parts of transitioning, before that I didn't want my picture taken, if it was I didn't want to see it, and I certainly wouldn't have shared it.
    These were taken at a lunch that we had after the completion of a recent round of supervision with the volunteer organization I belong to. The person taking them is one of the group members and was just taking lots of pictures, so I had largely forgotten that he was even doing it :-)  (clearly I also didn't realize that he was occasionally zooming-in, as in the first picture).
     
     



  9. Chrissy

    Mountains and valleys

    By Chrissy,

    Hello all!

    I just looked back to see when I did my first blog posting, for some reason I thought it was just earlier this week but it was actually early last week. It simultaneously seems shorter and longer than that.

    Anyway, I'll get to the point of the subject line of this entry - "mountains and valleys." It's a reference to a line from a Debbie Gibson song that I love ("Over the Wall") - "mountains and valleys are better than nothing at all." It might not have been her original thought, but I really do love the song (it also contains the line "What do you think about when every day is over and done?" which I wrote on a note that I keep by my bed so that I see it at the start of each day).

    This week was a good example of mountains and valleys for me - the valley would be what I wrote about in "A Cloudy Day," and the mountain was obviously the incredibly sweet gesture by a random stranger that I wrote about yesterday. Collectively it drives home the point that this journey will have a lot of mountains, and a lot of valleys, and I'm sure they'll be far more extreme on both ends than anything that's happened so far.

    I really wanted to write today to thank everyone on this site who has written to me or commented to my blog entries! I'm so happy, and very lucky that I came across this website, it won't cover every need that will come up, but it's such an incredibly great resource to have, especially the connection to all of you!

    My other big, personal take-away from the past couple of weeks is about my place on the transsexual spectrum. When I first told people that I am transgender (and even before that when I told them about my cross-dressing), some would ask if I was transsexual (they actually asked if I was going to get "the surgery") and at that time I would tell them that I was 99% sure that I wouldn't. Since then my journey has taken me where I didn't necessarily expect I was going to to. As I take each new step and it feels right, and it feels good, I take another step. The bottom line for me (sorry, I know I already used "take-away") is that my answer to their question now will be "possibly," and "I'll need some time to ask questions and explore."

    I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'm going to try to go as tech-free as possible (I'm getting a little too addicted to my phone).

    XOXO

    Christie
  10. Chrissy
    I arrived in Philadelphia today - the conference starts early tomorrow so I decided to get down here a day early. I got a hotel at a decent rate and it's about 1/2 block from the Convention Center!
    Anyway - last year I did the free version of the conference, this year I paid for the professional track (for a student it was $85). The tough part is deciding what to go to!  Initially I went through the schedule and just put everything I was interested in on my calendar. Then earlier this week I went through to pick which ones to actually attend - that was the hard part! I gave 1st priority to Behavioral Health panels, since that is the professional track I'm on. Then I leaned towards panels covering topics around F2M and gender non-confirming individuals, since I have decidedly less experience there. Of course this is a mixed things for me - personal and professional, so I don't want to forget the personal side :-)
    I'm volunteering in the morning - helping with set up, so it will be a long day, but worthwhile!  I'll post more tomorrow after Day 1.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  11. Chrissy
    So day 1 is done - such a long day!  I volunteered to help with set up, so I was there starting at 6 a.m. But all totally worth it :-)
    On a matter of personal achievement first - during one of the panels I actually spoke during the Q&A. Perhaps seems small, but 3 or 4 years ago there's no way I would have done that - it was a fairly large room with about 50-60 people. No way. So that's a nice sign of what transitioning has done for me :-)
    The most interesting/controversial part was a lecture on "The Biology of Gender." It was a single presenter discussing the science and theories behind gender identity and gender variation. During the Q&A several people criticized it from the perspective that it was very binary - and he generally agreed (that the research itself tends to be biased in favor of the binary). Fair enough. However, I think this is an area where science and culture get conflated sometimes. Leaving aside the terms "sex" and "gender" for a moment - in my view there are 2 things going on: (1) there is what we are born, physiologically, biologically, neurologically, etc., and (2) there is the social construct that got built on top of that - sometimes with some basis, usually not.
    Regarding #1, I think we all exist on a spectrum from male to female - some in between, some "mixed" at birth (at least I think that's the prevalent theory about being transgender - genitalia developed one way, the brain the other). I also think that most reputable scientists - although they shorthand it as "male or female" - acknowledge that it's a spectrum and not a binary (they don't, for example, deny the existence of intersex individuals).
    Anyway - I'm not sure why I just started that, but curious if others have thoughts :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  12. Chrissy

    long time...

    By Chrissy,

    It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male.
    I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(
  13. Chrissy
    So 3 updates as another week comes to an end...
    I met yesterday with our Dean and Associate Dean - it was a very positive, encouraging meeting.  They proposed how to handle communicating my transition to my new name (and transition generally) to a broader audience (the students I work with directly, and then a general communication to the entire school which wouldn't identify me directly but would discuss the school's policies, etc. re transgender faculty/staff/students).  They also made it clear that updating my email address wouldn't be an issue (officially there is a policy that it has to incorporate you legal first name).  I also found out that our dean was one of the original drafters of the NYC administrative policy regarding TG employees (he was formerly chief counsel to Mayor Bloomberg).  So he's kind of familiar with these matters!
    The Stonewall Girls meetup was last night, and this time I decided to go "as is."  I usually would go home and get more en femme (wig, skirt, etc.), but now that feels too much like wearing a costume.  It is an attempt to present as a woman, but not necessarily as me.  It ended up being beneficial because it gave me a better sense of where exactly I am in terms of presentation.  In the rest of the world the noticeable thing is that I'm doing feminine things with my look, but in a TG/CD group it's more noticeable that I still look partly like a guy.  (It was described by one person there as "in between").  So I can use those meetups (every Thursday) as one way to gauge my progress, simply by committing to going "as me."
    Finally, and MOST important - my hair worked today   I curled it this morning so that it would curl in towards the bottom, usually the wind blow is it out on my way in to work, but today it held!

  14. Chrissy

    Weekend goals...

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Friday ladies and gentlemen and all points between and around!
    Well this was quite the week.  I knew that changing to my female name at work would be "big," but I didn't fully anticipate the anxiety, exhilaration, excitement, fear (and several other emotional states that I may never have experienced before) that would come with it.  It really was a very unusual week as people started referring to me as Christie, and using female pronouns.  The word spread faster than was planned (thanks to my 2 supervisors accidentally using Christie in emails that went to students), but that's ok, it just caused a few moments of confusion for me when I tried to figure out if I should just start using it with them too, or just not "sign" my emails (I went for that - the email that's going to be sent is from the Dean, I don't want to look like I was getting out in front of him, even though this is obviously about me).
    My goals this weekend (I like putting these in writing to someone, helps keep me from just not doing it):
    (1) Another period of "quiet contemplation" - my stepping-off point for this is going to be to list and then explore what I'm afraid of (certainly I've done that before, but it's a good question to go back to).  before and after that I'll also ask myself the question that Karen suggested - "Do I have any hesitation?"
    (2) On Sunday my favorite drag queen (who does the Tuesday night show that I go to, and have occasionally performed at) is doing a brunch show.  I'm using that as my opportunity to try going out presenting fully as a woman.  I want to see how close I can get to that from where I am now.  It's really I think just a more serious version of what I used to do when I was "cross-dressing."  I'll try to get some pics!  (desperately, I want to see myself in pics)
    I hope everyone has a great weekend!

    xoxo

    Christie
  15. Chrissy

    HRT

    By Chrissy,

    Happy Friday everyone!
    Later this afternoon I have my appointment with an endocrinologist to discuss HRT.  It's very much a preliminary discussion, I just want to hear from a doctor what's involved (hopefully it won't be much different than what I've discovered through my own research and reading people's entries here, but hearing it from a doctor makes it more "real").  I was originally scheduled for tomorrow morning but they called yesterday to see if I could come in today instead, which is great since they're in Queens (trekking from Jersey City to Queens on Saturday morning would have been quite a drag).
    I assume the doctor will cover what needs to be covered, but my therapist did suggest thinking about what questions I have for them, rather than trying to think about that during the appointment.  So I've done that, but if anyone has suggestions about questions, suggest away .  The endocrinologist was a reference from my regular doctor, and I saw his name on a TG website, so I know he's familiar with MtF HRT.
    That should be a good lead-in to my "contemplation" (ongoing) this weekend.  What also helps is that I'm getting used to actually being called Christie  :-)    I underestimated how weird that would be, but it makes sense that after 48 years of being called one thing to suddenly be called something else would take some adjustment.  But it is getting more comfortable.  The last step in terms of the name transition at work will be early next week when an email goes to the entire faculty and staff letting them know - we're discussing today how that will happen.
    xoxo
    Christie
  16. Chrissy

    I am Cait...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    So, I watched "I am Cait" last night, I think I honestly went in fairly objectively.  I was concerned about another Kardashian-like reality show, but encouraged by Caitlyn's comments at the Espy Awards.  Overall I was happy with the show.  It's only the first episode of course, but I very much appreciated her comments in support of those trans* people who are less fortunate than her, and in her reaching out to the family who lost their son to suicide.  Highlighting these issues, while telling her own transition story, could/should be very helpful to the trans* community in general - I hope (the only time I got nervous was when Kanye showed up - be he didn't do anything stupid fortunately).
    She had me tearing up early on with some of her opening comments, and then full-on crying at the end talking about the suicide problem (I feel it coming on again thinking about it).
    One thing I thought during the show was that I hope some of my family members watch this.
    xoxo 
    Christie
    (P.S., on the personal front - 10 days until my endocrinologist appointment and hopefully HRT prescription!  I got excited yesterday when I realized the appointment is next Thursday rather than next Friday as I had been thinking - 1 less day to wait than I thought!!!)
  17. Chrissy
    Happy Monday everyone!
    I'm continuing to watch and enjoy "I am Cait," both for watching her personal journey but also because it has managed to be a pretty informative show.  Yesterday featured a particularly strange mix - Kate Bornstein and Kim Kardashian appearing in the same TV show (not at the same time, not sure how that would have worked out).  Kate's appearance, to me, built on the good feeling I get about the show from the fact that Jenny Boylan has appeared on it (and I think will again?)
    One of the more poignant moments was Kate B. asking Cait J. how she was handling the "freak factor."  The fact that so many people in the world see us as freaks.  Caitlyn seemed a bit at a loss, responding that what she hoped they were doing there was trying to make it more normal - to which Kate replied that that was because she didn't like the idea of being a freak.  This was juxtaposed with a later scene in which parents of trans kids compared it to living with a unicorn (I can't give more detail, but it was a very positive statement).  In my own experience both positions exist in the world, over time the "unicorn" view should win out!
    I did wonder later if Caitlyn actually understands the "freak factor" at all.  After all she is in her bubble - she doesn't really have to be exposed to anyone she doesn't want to be (vs. others who have to live lives out in the world).  That's not a criticism, but I hope she takes what Kate B. said and works with it over the course of the show.
    I was a little distressed by people on twitter bemoaning the fact that there are occasionally Kardashians on the show - it would be pretty sad if Caitlyn excluded them, seeing as they are her family!  And I think Kim and Chloe both played good roles last night in terms of bringing some valid issues to Caitlyn's attention (we're not the only ones who have to deal with our transition - even if it is our journey).  The only thing I'd like to say to Caitlyn with respect to her family communication is to stop telling them "not to go there"!  Communication has to be open (in my limited conversations with my sister, I may have thought those kinds of things, but I keep them to myself for now, giving her some time).
    ***
    It's shoulder surgery for me tomorrow morning :-(  Hopefully that will get me back to the tennis courts soon! (won't be too soon, at least a couple of months of rehab most likely).  I'm also going to a friend's birthday gathering this Thursday night (depending on how I'm doing after surgery).  If so, this will be the first time going to a "straight" bar in full woman presentation!
    On the work front, this is "First Week" at school, so incoming students start classes today, which means the school will be much busier than it has been.  The students I work directly with are 2nd and 3rd year, so they won't be around until next week.  So now I get to see how it feels to be at a busy school :-)    (they did create a gender neutral restroom last week - though I'm now comfortable enough using the women's room - the idea behind the gender neutral restroom is more about a place for anyone who might be uncomfortable sharing a restroom with a trans person).
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
  18. Chrissy

    Family, travel, etc.

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    Happy Monday!  It's still strikes me as funny that I can actually believe that when I say it now - but it's true.
    Since I got my promotion (and raise) at work I decided I could and should go away finally.  It's been at least 2 or 3 years since I went away - granted, I don't really like traveling all the much, but usually I like to get at least a long weekend somewhere each year.  So in November, in the week before Thanksgiving, I'm going down to D.C.  It's part family, part fun.  I have an aunt and uncle (not husband and wife, they are my mother's brother and her other brother's wife), and three cousins and their families.  I suggested to one of my cousins that if I was going to see my aunt and uncle I could consider "going back" just for those visits - both are in their mid to late 80s, no need to shock them.  But he said he didn't think there's any need - my aunt has dealt with enough and can deal with this (she is Spanish and grew up very conservative catholic and has 2 kids who are gay, so yes), and my uncles probably has more in his background than any of us can match - so I'm going with that.  (I probably will suggest that it would be good if one of my cousins could tell them before I go down)
    The bigger thing for me is just the idea of traveling - this is the first time for me traveling as a woman.  I have no idea what that means, but I feel like it's something.  I've been to D.C. many, many times, but I have no idea what I will do now - I imagine some of the gay bars I've gone to will still be fine, but who knows (I doubt my cousins will be of much help, they all live outside the city and are older and settled).
    Speaking of family, it's now been about a month since my last email to my sister and still no response.  I want to believe that it's fine, if that's how it's going to be that's it, but I have to admit that when I was thinking about it Friday night it kind of hurt.  We haven't always been very close, but we have been at times, and I'd miss that if it's gone.  I'm not going to do anything further about it unless she does, I know it just has to be what it is, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt.
    On a more positive front - I mailed in my paperwork to update my Birth Certificate today (name only, in NJ you can't change gender until after GRS), and my mortgage company.
    xoxo
    Christie
  19. Chrissy

    Catching up

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I just noticed it's been about 3 weeks since I've written anything!  It's been a bit of a whirlwind lately, but mostly in a good or great way.
    The biggest update is that as of October 19 my name will officially, legally become Christie Ann  :-)    Then begins the long process of changing my name everywhere (I have a lengthy list going - I just spent some time prioritizing - driver's license, credit cards, HR at work, etc.).  Using that as a basis I sent a group-wide email to family members - cousins and extended family - telling them about my transition and my name change.  I've heard back - positively - from several of them already.
    This coming Thursday is my next endocrinologist appointment, so hopefully my HRT prescription will be increased.
    In general, presenting as a woman has become far more second-nature.  I was thrown a little today when I went shopping, the person at Loft started using male pronouns, but I realized it was just because when I went to open an account I had to give her my driver's license, so it was understandable (though still, I was standing right there, openly shopping at store that only sells women's clothing...)  Anyway...  I do need to resume working on my voice.
    Work-wise, I got a promotion recently.  Although I'm still doing the functions I was doing, they added some marketing responsibilities (website and social media specifically), and increased my pay grade, with a pretty nice salary increase.  It makes the prospect of some surgery next summer much more feasible (I'm thinking about top surgery next summer).
    There are still some things that don't feel quite right - but in general things are moving in a better direction (including my shoulder, which is starting to get back some mobility).  One thing I observed about myself last night is that I tend to wait for things to happen rather than doing things.  It shows itself the most with my excessive checking of email and twitter.  I need to work on that.
    Anyway, that's my update for now :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
  20. Chrissy

    "Wonder Woman"

    By Chrissy,

    I cannot believe I haven't written about this yet!  Last Friday I saw "Wonder Woman," and it was truly amazing.
    There are things I could be critical of (the messaging in a few spots was a little heavy handed and the effects in a couple of areas a little cheesy), but overall I think it's a truly great movie (and I'm not really into superhero movies).
    I won't say much about the movie because I don't want to do any spoilers - but there were moments when I was moved to tears, and moments when I felt more like a woman than I ever had before. I don't know if I can explain what that second one is about, but it happened.
  21. Chrissy

    Dress up time!

    By Chrissy,

    This past weekend we hosted a moot court competition at our school, and as Moot Court staff administrator I was very involved in the planning, and naturally attended the Saturday night reception for the event.  It was my first real opportunity to "dress up"   The picture below is me (on the left) and 2 students.
    I did realize on Friday night as I was packing up for the next day that I had never really dressed in plum before, so I didn't know what color make-up to use - fortunately Google exists and I found that lavender works perfectly!
    Overall a very fun night!  My next opportunity will be the Law Review Banquet on April 1 - of course I just wore this dress, so I'll have to come up with something else for that occasion.
     
     

  22. Chrissy

    NY Pride

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    Sunday is NY Pride, it will be my first as a physical woman!!!  Last year I was presenting full-time, but no surgeries yet. The year before was more of a gender-bending year.
    I'll post pics - I'm marching with NYU, so I have the shirt they gave us - I altered it to make it a v-neck, I wanted cleavage 😛
    Xoxo
    Chrissy
     
     
  23. Chrissy
    Tomorrow is New York Pride! It's expected to be one of the biggest ever as a result of the emotional impact of the Orlando shootings - and there will also be an increased NYPD presence as a result of the shootings. I expect that they'll do a moment of silence for Orlando - they do it each year for those lost to HIV/AIDs, and it's always an incredibly moving experience - you're on the streets of NYC with thousands and thousands of people, and there isn't a single sound (otherwise it's almost impossible to be on 5th Ave. or in the Village in total silence, except perhaps during a snowstorm).
    For me, this is my first NY Pride since I started transitioning.  Last year at this time I had "come out," but I hadn't really started transitioning yet (I went for a gender bending look at Pride). So this will also be the first time I'm actually marching and not just watching (I did also volunteer one year). I'm planning to march with Identity House, the peer counseling organization I volunteer with, which is what prompted me to march. In the past I've wanted to, but didn't really have any group that I felt strongly enough about to march with.
    But back to the point about it being the first Pride since my transition started. That has prompted me to look squarely at my own ambivalence about being trans.  I don't mean that I question whether I am or not, any question like that was resolved LONG ago - I mean that at some level, at some times, I try to reject my identity as a transwoman, and "just" be a woman. Sometimes it's an affirmative thing, I'm affirming my gender identity as a woman, other times though it's a negative, it's me trying to not be trans.
    This is kind of a hard thing to acknowledge here in particular - on this website - but I think that makes it more important to do. I went to the Transgender Health Conference in Philadelphia a few weeks ago and realized that I felt very uncomfortable. In my day-to-day life I'm typically the only trans person around, this was a rare situation where I was in roomfuls of trans people, and I wasn't comfortable, which upset me a lot.
    I don't think it's unusual, perhaps others (many others even) here have experienced it - or something similar. There is an underlying wish - that is, I have an underlying wish that I had just been born a cisgender woman - and it can feel horrible to recognize that that will simply never be my reality. There is no amount of transitioning that will ever make me a cisgender woman.
    I am taking a step to work through this tomorrow at Pride - I found a shirt on-line to wear, a pink tank-top that says "Trans Women are Real Women" :-)  I think it's important for me to take ownership of that message - keeping in mind that while I'm wearing it for Pride, I'll also be wearing it as I travel back and forth to the city, which means around an audience that isn't necessarily receptive to the message.
    So I just wanted to - or rather, felt the need to - share that. I'll post some pics on Monday :-)
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  24. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    So I anticipated being more detailed, but that wasn't really very practical in this setting :-)  Suffice to say I really enjoyed the conference and got a lot out of it. In some cases it was learning that I already a fair amount of what they were talking about, which is always nice, but I definitely learned a few new things.
    The only downside was one of the last panels I attended - "White Supremacy in Trans Relationships."  The title probably should have been a warning - the fact that they used "white supremacy" instead of "white privilege" definitely reflected the views of the moderators, there was a good amount of hate going on and attempts at shaming. I plan to write to the conference organizers about it - I have no issue with being made uncomfortable about my white identity, but I don't think it should have happened at this conference and certainly not in the way it happened. This conference is about community in our gender identity, it's not right to shame people about other parts of their identity - not here.
    Otherwise everything was great! I had dinner with a couple of friends from NYC on Friday night - they had gone down on Friday, but I had just finished 2 full days. I commented at one point that "I had never had to be transgender for so long before" - I meant it to be humorous by with a point too. I was feel good about the conference but also pretty exhausted, and I think part of that is that I really don't activate that part of my identity for such long periods at a time on a regular basis. It's fine, I survived, but it was an interesting learning experience.
    Maybe the biggest thing I discovered - about myself that is - compared to when I attended last year is that I'm so much more comfortable about who I am now than I was back then.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  25. Chrissy

    Feminist Group event

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I'm pretty excited about an upcoming event that I'm involved with - it's part of a feminist Meetup group that I belong to. Each month we have a moderated discussion on some issue within the feminist movement (last month was about racism in feminism). This month I'm moderating the discussion on transgender issues - the title is "Are trans women real women?" (the title is meant to be a little provocative, and to have a very obvious answer - the organizer was worried about using it, but since I was ok with being identified as transgender in the blurb about it she was ok with the title).
    We're going to show a couple of short videos - one by a TERF explaining why she doesn't accept transgender people as women, and then one by Janet Mock, explaining how she realized that she was a woman (well, a girl, she was 5 when it happened). Then we'll have a discussion about it! The topic is really "what is a woman?" which should be pretty interesting - I expect some discussion about nature vs. nurture ("Female brain" vs social construct).
    This is another example of where I've gone over time, since it was only within the last year that I was trying to pretend I'm not transgender - now I'm openly leading discussions about the topic. That of course is another huge thing - I told a friend about this, she's known me for 8 or 9 years, and she was thrilled, but also recognized how far I had come, back when we met there's no way I would have been willingly doing a public speaking event.
    More later!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
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