madeline34b

I am a transgendering person. I am the youngest of four and have three older sisters. Growing up my sisters loved to dress and treat me as their fourth/baby sister. At first I cried and pretended I didn't want to dress in girl's things, but it didn't take long for me to realize that I loved being dressed and treated as a girl and I soon found myself begging them to let me wear their clothes and help me to look pretty. My parents spent the rest of my childhood and teenage years learning to accept me as more their fourth daughter versus their only son.

For as long as i can remember, my mom took me to my sisters  ballet classes and recitals. The combination of training/dancing with angelic ballerinas along with the sensual scents (nylon, leather, a mixture of sweet perfumes, soaps and body sprays) soon consumed me. I found myself deeply longing to be a graceful ballerina. 

Throughout my pre-teens, and before I had my own ballet things, I would sneak into my sisters' rooms to obtain items for my nightly ballet class/recital- a pair of pink or white tights and leotard, pink leather ballet slippers or satin pointe shoes, and sometime even a beautiful tutu. Then alone in my room, illuminated only by moonlight, I would carefully dress myself as the ballerina I so longed to be.

 Once dressed, I would then spend hours in front of the full length mirror on the back of my closet door practicing the same ballet positions, steps and movements as taught to the other ballerinas in class. 

I was so at ease being that aspiring ballerina, precisely positioning my feet, arms and hands for each ballet position and step. Seeing that reflection of a graceful ballerina fueled my deep desires to be a girl and to become a real ballerina like my sisters. Often after my evening recital I would lay in bed and fall sleep in my ballet outfit. I would spend the night dreaming of being that real ballerina. Dreams full of hope and joy, and minus the misunderstanding and persecution for being born a little bit different from the other ballerinas.