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Briannah

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Blog Entries posted by Briannah

  1. Briannah
    Waiting for my hair to dry out, and then I'm putting the one thing about my physical form I feel good about into...Nikki's hands.  He's going to first bleach it, then dye it deep emerald green.  I'm finally going to have my dream hair, my favorite color, green.  I've been trying to do my part to help find the balance between Nikki's two sides, and have invited him as far into the girl world as I go, which isn't far really, when someone online is judging me purely on behaviors and interests they usually assume I'm male until it comes up and I realize it and say um...nope, sorry.  I guess I'm horrible at being girly, so I just go for being me and not giving a crap.  But sometimes I wonder if my lack of girlness is not helping right now.  But anyway, my hair.  So instead of going off on my own or calling one of my girlfriends I put the stuff in Nikki's hands and said let's do this.  I think he's kinda excited about that, and mentioned that he'd like me to do his (he's eyeing this lovely black shade with deep shimmery sapphire highlights we saw when I was picking up a processing cap for the bleaching).  I'm super excited!  I think it'll look great on him.

    I"m extremely nervous as despite all the color play I've done with my hair, I have never bleached it before.  I always just went with the subtler shades if I was lightening it (often used a blond dye in the winter to get my dark hair to something close to its summer red) or hennas.  Fairly gentle to the hair itself.  If my hair wasn't so dark I wouldn't do it, but it's really dark and gets darker with age and I'd like more than the really really subtle color it would have if i didn't bleach it. 
    So wish me luck!  And, hopefully, Nikki will have a blast.  Or at least not blind me with bleach in my eyes.
  2. Briannah
    So...making Nikki's computer dream a reality, which is the project I've been on since January pretty single-mindedly, has finally come to fruition today.  And those parts got here FAST.  Like laser fast.  So I cleaned out the dining room table so he has a work space (on the weekends that area is set up for gaming as there is a Friday night and a Sunday evening game), and he's like a little kind in a candy store right now.  It was worth every moment of locking myself in the bathroom at work to have a cry in private because it had gotten so crazy there.  I DID IT!  He's currently putting together his new baby, which is just like my baby.  Only because the parts aren't NEW NEW like they were last year he got his baby for about a $100 less.  Good bargain! 
    And...my silly little virtual reality dream?  Well, apparently only $600 stands between me and that.  They had a tester program on the website for the top of the line one, the Occulus Rift, and my computer is compatible and meets or exceeds all requirements.  So...yeah.  It's possible, and my virtual world can be expanded.  We each get a small entertainment stipend in the new budget, and I am stuffing mine exclusively into the savings account, because I want to be entertained with sharks in my computer room.  Cuz I'm a raging dork.  But I really LOVED that feeling of being there with the sharks, which I'll never know because my asthma makes scuba outta reach for me, as I"m not really willing to risk dying for it.  Some dreams ARE worth persuing at any cost, but scuba isn't it for me.  But the ability to see what I would see like that...and the Egyptian tombs they are filming now...oh total geek. AND they have a really kinda awesome tabletop style dungeons and dragons app for this thing, so that you can play with people all over.  How cool is that?
    On a more personal note, now that he's doing better from the dysthymia, which I am so grateful to his therapist for helping us sort out the complicated tangle of what is the disorder, what is current environmental, and what is childhood issues blocking him from the live he deserves to have, we are sorting out marital issues. 

    I"m pretty sure i kicked strait into "OMG must fix Nikki Mode" and while the issues were too overwhelming not to feel, my response was to bottle a lot and focus on what was needed rather than actually sorting through things inside.  But there has been five or six years of gradual disconnects that triggered MY issues, and sometimes I"m just sorta...lost in myself.  There are days I don't even know if I"m really me, because of all the adaptation and throwing out the window parts of me that didn't fit with the life i was trying to build.  There are days when I'm full steam ahead on something and blinded to everything else.  There are days I absolutely panic that the new normal for our marriage is going to fall apart again and I'm going to lose everything.  I'm messy.  I am really really messy. 
    BUT...now that he's better, he..I don't know how to phrase this exactly other than this...it's like he's remembered I'm there.  Like he'd forgotten while he was sick, but now he remembered.  And that is the start.  But he's still Nikki, and some of the disconnects and life choices are his personality mixing with mine, not all of it is our disorders.  So we're organizing.  Too many couples I know just let...life happen to them and don't do anything to manage their relationships as they go.  I'm going to learn from that.  We've set up a weekly 'serious' talk time, where we turn everything off, sit on the couch (preferably with a blanket under me, our couch is leather and it adheres to my skin in horrible ways) and we can both talk about anything, and the agreement is active listening, connection, and no one gets mad or defensive.  Or if you do, you squash it and try to think it through.  We set up a weekly game time for just doing something fun together, board games, d&d, card games, whatever.  And we set up a weekly movie night (on Saturday though, this isn't as inviolate as the other two if we are out doing a thing) to just sit on the couch and watch something together.  Reconnecting emotionally and rebuilding a slightly broken marriage. 
    And that's the lesson isn't it?  Things break.  Everything.  But you then make a choice after it breaks, you can throw it away and start over.  Or you can repair it.  It's always a choice.  We forget that.  I can't count how many times I've heard "it's broken, time to pitch it" and no question what would be involved in fixing a thing.  Anything that can be made can be repaired.  But the cost isn't always worth it.  Sometimes throwing a thing away is appropriate too, but if you just assume and don't make the choice...it's wasteful. 
    I could sit around, say there is nothing I can do, people just change as they go.  Let's be honest, there is even a neat little shield of a 17 year old secret I could hide behind and NO ONE would look at me funny.  I could be all the other relationships in my blood family and scream it's not MY fault til the end of time. 
    But I'm not.  Because..inside...I want more.  And these are the days I"m realizing despite all the poison I drank, all the horribleness I absorbed from them, and all the inner damage I'm still struggling to overcome from them...somehow I made it in some small way.  I'm not them, I got out, and I am going to improve things, instead of waving my hand in a 'what can you do' dismissive gesture.  Grandpa gave me wisdom, the knowledge, and the understanding that there IS more out there, that not everyone fails, and that the choices I will make every day, big and small, will matter and resonate the rest of my life.  My friends gave me the grace, understanding, and exposure to worlds and opinions beyond what I grew up with to navigate the hurdles in my marriage and my husbands struggle with depression and to adapt to who he is as a person, not who he told me he was.  I think I managed to be a better mother than my parents were, despite all the screw ups I made, and I let go and realize he's the one who has to live the day to day of his life better. 
    As much as I'm often not okay between the self-esteem issues, the dismorphia, and the struggle to interact gracefully with others thanks to the add, I'm also really okay at the same time because I'm doing it.  And when I die, despite the mistakes I made massive and small, I don't think I"ll be able to look back with anything but "I couldn't have done anything else than what I did, because every choice I made at the time I made it was what I thought would make things better!". 
    It cost a lot, but it was worth it.  So I don't have parents, okay.  I have Nikki.  I have my son.  I have my friends (including you guys!), and I have my self and my senses of right and wrong.  The bargain was made a long time ago, probably the day my son was born, I just managed to delay paying some of the bills, but now that they are paid, I realize trying to hold onto things that weren't really there wasn't helping anyone, and it was a good bargain.   That was the day I started turning my back on the narcissism of my father, the dead mushroomness of my mother, and started living.  Even though I had no idea where I wanted to go, I started going through any door I saw to get an idea what was out there.  And the mistakes were okay.
    Except, of course, that cheese mousse from the Princess cruise.  Trying that was just a horror story.  It looked like poop.  It smelled like poop.  I don't know why I put that in my mouth. 
  3. Briannah
    The most important thing about today is its Nikki's birthday!   So obviously an important day to me.  I took him to lunch at Pizza Hut and we splurged on brownies.  No diets on birthdays!  Lol.  Right now he's playing the video game I got him Knights of Azure.  He was really interested in it for the female/female love story so I knew he had to have it!   It's cute so far I'm watching him play chilling out with my IPad.  He likes it when I hang out in here with him vs going to the computer room.     
    Work is crappier than ever but the math seems to be five more months maximum.  Thank goodness.  I'm so lucky Nikki values my welfare more than eating out as much as we do.  Time to start cooking again!
  4. Briannah

    Faced a medical phobia.

    By Briannah,

    I have a weird phobia about things being removed from my body.  I even had panic attacks over them removing my wisdom teeth back in my youth, and I'd been raised with the understanding that would happen, there has been no single member of my family who they fit in the mouths.  So last month I started getting severe abdominal issues, and first er said it was food poisoning (cuz you know, has to happen at midnight), but then four days later it happened again, and Nikki had no issues and we eat the same food.  (I cook all our meals, we observer dash diet together, I even send his lunches in bentose that I make in advance). So The second attack I waited til mrning and saw my actual doctor, and started in on the oh, you fit 6 of the 7 main criteria so let's look at yoru gal bladder, youp, you broke it it has to go.  
    Yesterday they removed it.  I really had to suck it up, but one wrong food choice mouthful and it was worse pain than my previous marker, giving birth.  So with a lot of coaxing from Nikki I did and went to have it out.  Was terrified all week because of a known complication, but it went well.  Had four rods and am suffering no post surgical complications other than the anti-nausea patch they put on everyone to prevent incidents in the surgery had to be removed right after, it made the room MOVE when I woke up, so disorienting, and my throat was feeling really abused from the breathing tube.  It was kinda surreal when they kept telling me how great I was doing basically just laying on the or table watching them buzz around prepping.  Laying on a table wasn't hard. : )  Although with my native clumsyness it was a minor miracle I got on and stayed on without falling off I suppose.
    Hope you are all healthy!  
  5. Briannah

    Still alive!

    By Briannah,

    So that job Nikki took last year has been going well, he's still there, and I have joined up also.  More money than I've ever made, and while the working conditions are extremely chaotic and we don't have much time for a personal life, it's weirdly satisfying and they seem to like me.  And it enabled us to afford to buy another house while we wait to sell the one we still own.  Which of course means my NJ friends aren't talking to me for this week after I showed them the Zillow ad and admitted I negotiated under asking price, which could maybe buy me a garden shed back home.  I do miss NJ still, but who can afford it these days!  
    Nikki's doing wonderfully despite not being in therapy since she passed, but he plans to find a new one once we are settled.  I get not wanting to start over twice, and I hope he gets one he likes as much.  I think he's way  more stable these days than I am. 
    Of course, I also am the one that came up with the idiot plan to move in with my mom to try to sell our house.  *smirks*  Self-inflicted injury.  But we are moving FINALLY sometime in the next month or two.  Still married, still going along with the flow, have managed to NOT injure myself with Nikki's breast forms lately (brownie points to anyone who remembers that story!).  Although I did manage to nearly kill myself with mom's weird bathtub, the kind that goes waist high that you walk in and bath in without having to step over the tub wall with this odd shaped door by slamming my head into it full bore when I dropped something.  Some days it's a wonder I live.    Nikki also wants me to go back to a therapist, he did some research and thinks I've been misdiagnosed with add instead of adhd, as apparently it presents differently in women, but they'd only done the research on male children back in my day.  If he's right it explains a lot.  *Looks around* I refused to tell him how many of the criteria I fit when he was asking me about the list, I'll get a pro to re-diagnose me thank you very much. LOL
    Hope you are all doing well!  
  6. Briannah
    So.  Nikki and I talked it over, and are going to start working on the actual renovations after the cruise, so around April.  (Vacation!  I can't wait!)
    Prime issue #1 - asthma.  Most of the things we want to do involve a lot of particulate dust matter, I can NOT be in the house with that all closed up in the winter, so it has to be in the spring when it's warmed up enough to open the house for at least 20 minutes (the amount of time I'm told it takes to recirculate the air on the average house).    And preferably the entire time work is ensuing so fumes and dust can go outside and not into my admittedly overly delicate lungs.  (I already have the face masks to further protect them in place!).
    Issue #2 - the kitchen will be unusable for at least two weeks most likely.  So my plan is crockpot cooking on indoor weather days and grilling outside on outdoor days.  I have enough crockpot and grill recipes to easily make this not a hardship. 
    So that is why we're waiting to actually start things.  So right now it's research and decision phase.  This went from a hey, we can afford to fix the counters babe comment to a OMG we can fix it ALL!  Or at least as much as we can do in spring and summer.     Which brings me to... power tools.  I feel wholly unqualified for this.  And I have a sort of conspriracy theory mindset about most powered items, from kitchen appliances to tools to electronic devices, that they're made to fail to keep siphoning my money.  I don't know if it's just paranoia on my part (Dad did a GREAT job of convincing me that everything I touch turns to trash) or if it really is that bad with the corporations now.  But since I have more free time than Nikki, I'm going to try to dive in and figure it out.  At the very least I need some sort of power sander and power saw.  There was this power saw on youtube I saw a while ago, it was sort of a tool box looking thing, that could reconfigure in a great many ways to be a variety of powered saws meant for people who wanted to work on things in small homes like apartments and no garages to house a workshop.  I own a house, but we have no garage, and the basement floods when the river does so it's unlikely that it would work out to try to turn it into a workshop.  As it is I made homemade shelving outta concrete blocks with wooden slats that I put rubbermaid tubs on to get any storage out of it at all.  The concrete blocks stand up well to the water and are cheaply replaceable if they do start to erode for some reason.
    I feel REALLY outta my depth.  Just between us girls here, I'm freaked out of my mind to touch anything in the house, thanks to Dad's lingering voice in my head.  But I'm going to plunge ahead, read and reread the tutorials, and practice small projects to test the skills.  Nikki said I should make a doll house when I mentioned that to him, and test it all out on that.  LOL  Then he's like when you're done you can sell it on Etsy.  I can't tell if he's serious or kidding me.  LOL
    Sometimes I wish I'd only had Grandpa growing up.  His is the voice that whispers in the back of my mind I can do anything.  I think I would have been a very different, unhappy person without his influence in my life. 
    Have any of you done any major do it yourself remodeling?  Any knowledge you'd like to bestow upon me?  I'm determined to reject both my dad's thinking that I destroy everything and his teachings that this sort of thing is for men only.  We women can do anything!   Roar!  (Okay, maybe more like a squeak, but whatever, right?)
    And...it's fun that it's something Nikki is into to.  I like doing things together, and our tastes coincide on a lot of things, more than they used to because he's more open about what he actually likes these days!   He does have an unfortunate color palatte sometimes though... 
    And...he's going to make me my painting.  I found a gorgeous simple ocean painting, and I really really wanted it, but it's $300.  I know, not much for art, but I'm CHEAP until our debt is paid down, and then NIkki gets his electrolysys.  Or lasering.  I forget which he decided to go for, whichever.  HOWEVER...Nikki used to paint.  And hes' certain he can recreate the paintings for me.    I did get him a lovely art set for Xmas, with a folding easel and the basic tools to get him restarted in his art since he expressed interest, it was so sweet for Nikki to offer my beloved ocean painting.  
    Todays hidden lesson for me in all this, I let myself be powerless in many ways because I let people tell me I was, that all the things I wanted were outta my reach.  And I contented myself living in my means, and with what I had, and was happy.  But...I'm not powerless, and I can change it, fix it, make my life better.  I just have to work harder than someone who has the money to pay someone else to remodel.
    Now here's hoping our house doesn't get hit by a car the day after we finish.  Cuz that's a thing, it happened to a family I knew, I was in the house at the time when suddenly a loud bang and the place just suddenly exploded into dust, like someone ran through banging dirty chalkboard erasers together at an insane speed.  The people who lost control of the car hit it so hard they moved the right side of the house six inches backwards off the foundation.  The bathroom was at an odd angle for weeks until the insuarnce arranged for cranes to lift it and right it and repair the broken parts, and you had to hold onto the toilet, it was crazy. 
  7. Briannah
    Just cut ties with my father.  I've talked about him and the complicated relationship before, and why I didn't really know what I was holding onto.  Well, he finally pushed that last button and I went nuclear.  He called me stupid again, which I'm used to really, over my belief that we have to do better as a nation to care for people.  There aren't enough jobs.  They are getting shipped overseas en masse.  The old get a job rhetoric is a joke, and there is no reason anyone should be homeless and starving in this country.  We have the ability to fix it, we as a society choose not to.  But to go on calling my son a loser over and over when he DOESN"T KNOW HIM pushed me over the edge. He has consistantly refused to talk to the boy on the phone or e-mail his whole life.   How on earth can he accurately state anything other than that boy exists and his name?  He doens't know it. 

    So I told him off royally, including the phrase "you need to learn when it's time to shut the eff up" I am so done.  From now on Nikki has stepped up to create the Great Wall of Nikki around me, and that man has lost access.  Because I am done.  Toxicity helps no one.  I know a lot of people here will understand, because it doesn't matter if the core issues is transgender or racism, the emotional fall out is the same.  The same ugly, the same judgement, the same crazy. 

    I need a hug.  This summer was going so well too.
  8. Briannah
    I have a weird thing with cold meds.  I couldn't take any of them without risking a painful death when I was on my long term asthma medication, so I sort of developed a fear of them in general.  My brain makes important things habitiual so I don't forget when I'm half sleep or not paying attention.  So Nikki has to fight stupidly hard to get me to take them.  And of course, they are huge, my throat hurts, and damn near just choked myself. 
    At least things with Nikki are going great.  We've settled into a comfortable environment for everyone involved, and things are going swimmingly.  We're still sorting through my tendency to big picture everything and his to narrow focus, but communication has gotten really good and we're learning.  For the spouses like me that stay, it's as much a period of change as the person talking the dysphoria.  So many things change for me too, and you really have to keep sight of balancing the needs of both.  If there's a secret to succesfully navigating this as a couple, that's it.  And as much openness as is feasible for a couple.  I Know some wives want to be completely out of it, but I couldn't be like that.  The known is so much less terrifying than the unknown.  Being included not only supports him, but it supports me.  He's happier than he's been in a long time.  Here's hoping the therapist will keep that going.  
    And, of course, that i don't have pnumonia again.  If I don't feel significantly better tomorrow I"m going to the dang urgent care.  I don't have time for this crap.  I missed a gorgeous day!

    WEll sorta anyway.  It was nearly sixty degrees!  SO AWESOME! I went out to lunch with Nikki, and you'd think I ran a marathon.  Wahtever this is has seriously damaged my internal energy production.  And now the scary Ohio wind has kicked up, and is finally caving in the neighbors scary chimney.  That has been falling for years and no one did anything about.  Here's hoping it doesn't break my house or our shed we have in the side yard. 
  9. Briannah
    So... obviously right now gender is a spotlight conversation and understanding topic in our household while we're figuring out how to meet everyone's needs.  And now that I have time to think, I'm realizing he's confusing things in my head.  This is not a complaint or criticizing post, this is just me working out my thoughts way early in the morning.  I'm not usually up yet, and it's hard to articulate these feelings, so forgive me as I'm about to fail badly to express the mess in my head.
    Nikki has real trouble communicating thoughts and feelings (something that doing is inherently female to me, this throws my ability to see his inner girl but I keep trying) so maybe he's just not expressing himself well, but what he does express boils down being a girl to....boobs, makeup, and clothing.  So we talk about those things a lot, but...they're all superficial to me.  They are not what make me female.  I didn't get a choice about the boobs(and would shrink them by half if he wouldn't have a massive sad and there was a nonsurgical option), and I ditched the makeup the minute I realized I DON'T need to do what society tells me to and I don't care for doing it much(but I don't mind Nikki doing it, but it triggers my I'm not artistic and I don't want to do this attitude), and I grab whatever I can find in clothing.  But Nikki only ever says "I feel girly" if it's physical.  Sometimes I try to interact with him like I did past girlfriends and he just gets weirded out.  Granted I wasn't a very good partner in a girl/girl relationship, so maybe I"m doing it weird and that was part of why they all failed, but still... And that is making me question the whole thing.  Not Nikki's needs, but the whole gender thing, and what IS my place in the world as a female?  Is it just what I look like?  Surely it can't be.  Spent my whole life and equality stance on the idea that it's more.  Was I wrong? 
    I thought it was the strength to deal with all the ugly emotions, the flexibility in thought and beliefs to alter with every new understanding of the world, my ability to relate and maintain those relationships with others, my emotional barometer, and even the general softness of behaviors that i and most women I know exhibit.  The physical stuff is just what I'm stuck with.  Everytime I try to talk about these things with Nikki, he looks at me like I just grew a second evil head.  He listens, but he stares at me utterly confused and it goes back to the phsyical conversation again. 
    Option A: It's like he's idealizing what it is to be a woman based on what men perceive women to be, instead of feeling like one and trying to make his outside match his inside.
    Option B: I really don't understand what it is to be female, and have fallen into a trap looking for it to mean more than my outside to deal with societies judgement that i"m part of the lesser population, and am trying to attach strengths and behaviors and meanings to it that aren't there to counteract that feeling of lesser in my head.   
    With time it will all get sorted out.  I will keep telling myself that.  But I had no idea this was going to make these kind of internal questions come up.  I thought my part in this was to help him sort himself out, not have my own sense of self challenged to this degree.  Although the psychologial websites say this is a normal phase for the spouse, so I guess I just got to it a wee bit late.
  10. Briannah
    So I got the new webcame to skype and roll20 game with my son now that he's moved, and I Thought, ya know what?  I wanna say hello to the world.  Omegle, here I come!  So I loaded it up.  Now, I FULLY expected to run into a lot of pervyness.  I went into it with the realization I will see things, there is no way around that, the next button is my friend.  But I had it in my head that there were other normal people who just wanted to talk to the world, and after I waded through the unspeakable things, I would find and chat with interesting people.  But it seems like the ENTIRE thing was unspeakable things. 
    And it makes me really sad.
    Random video chat is a lifechanging technology.  It has the power to connect people around the world, to talk, meet, share their lives and stories, educate each other about different places of the world, and learn the truths in the world for yourself through contact instead of media.  And we've let it languish into some sort of perverts only waste.  We could change the world here, and we just...don't.  I wouldn't even mind wading through the random body parts and weirdness if it meant there would be gems of awesome somewhere.  I"m an adult, I can push the next button and not be irreparably harmed.  But there was nothing no matter how many times I nexted.   If you are under 18, stay off these things, even the ones rated 13+ the users really don't care.

    So my webcam sits off quietly, until someone I know someday might also get a webcam other than my son.  And I'm still lonely at night hwen it's quiet, and I could have spent that time broadening my understanding of the world, and I think I"M a little mad at the world for not being there.  To tell me why Togo is an awesome place, why I need to fight pollution to try to save the Maldives from vanishing because they have this awesome thing, what this custom I don't understand is all about, or to answer any question they have about american weirdness.  Lonely turtle.
  11. Briannah
    Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path.  Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own.  Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated.  Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'. 
    My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4.  I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother.  And who outed him?  Me.  Yes, he was so interested in getting laid with his mistress (who was formerly a student in his high school history class, I'm told by those old enough to remember they all think the affair started after her graduation, but I can't say that as fact, I really don't remember) that instead of waiting til days when he had free time that didn't include watching me, he took me to her parents house (where she still lived) and left me alone in a strange house while he vanished with her.   It was frightening and confusing for little me, and I have never liked unfamiliar places since.  And of course it came out when my mom asked me what Daddy and I did that day.  I don't remember if I was instructed to lie or not.  The only parts of the story that were strong enough to impact on my young memory were being left alone in the strange place (stupid with a 3/4 year old in a house that isn't childproofed anymore) and nearly drowning in the pool because Dad wanted Leslie to lounge with him, and I do remember she thought she should be in the pool with me and that I was too young and they had a fight about it.  She was also the one that realized there was a problem and pulled me out when I had lost my grip on the floaty device Dad has given me.
    So flash forward to my teen years, and Dad and my stepmother both constantly explaining to me that the whole thing was my mothers fault, because she wouldn't go out drinking with him on weekends or the camping trips every weekend in the summer so Dad and his friends could photograph trains.  Um...they were parents.  Who both worked full time, and I already spent 40 hours a week with mom's parents or dad's grandparents (they alternated).  And I was pressured into agreeing with this Mom should have done whatever Dad wanted for the marriage and it was her fault he cheated on her indoctrination.  I never really agreed with it, but it never went well for me pushing back with Dad and stepmom.  And Dad is a big one for expecting people to face the consequences of their actions, until it comes time for him to do it, nothing is ever his fault. 
    So today I wrote out on Facebook where he will see it that it's never okay to cheat.  I didn't direct it at just him, I've hard this story multiple times from multiple cheaters, but its' really clear I don't believe any of them, including him.  I thought about protecting it so he couldn't see it, but no.  I'm done, and if my stepmom gets involved again with another e-mail I will enter the fight full on, but I have no real need to attack them, but they do have a clear understanding now that I do not and never did believe and am done with the bullshit.  They can choose to save face, and drop it for good (yes, they still reinforce the partyline 40 years after the fact, it's creepy I know). 
    So why did I write it out ant leave it public if I'm not actually looking for a fight?  Because I'm looking to work on me, and stop condoning things that really aren't okay, and to withdraw my previous complicity.   People always implied these moments feel good, and they really don't, they just feel kinda raw and vulnerable and I know unpleasant things are coming as SEVERAL of the people who fed me the spouse blame bullshit can see it, but I'm done.  Man up, woman up, agender up, whatever is appropriate and either fix or end the committed relationships and THEN seek out new ones.  It's not that freaking hard.  I've hard so many excuses, kids, financial, partners are fragile, but none of them is an appropriate reason to harm their families.  And I really don't know anyone who grew up with parents who did that who aren't harmed by it in some way, myself included.  I have yet to meet one who says "it had no impact on my understanding of commitment, honor, responsibility, and personal feelings about and in my family". 
    Meh.  Untwisting my past is hard.  So thanks for the trust issues you started there Dad, but I don't really want them and am trying to work them out of myself as much as I can.  Where we started is clearly not where we have to end up, or a board like this wouldn't even exist, let alone welcome me.  But I did open the can of worms, and now all I can do is watch them wriggle out and hope they have the sense to take the oppurtunity to go back to the dirt where they belong instead of trying to live in my head anymore.
  12. Briannah
    Okay, I did set ONE rule for the sexy time stuff.  (and teh same common sense financial ones that i live buy, but that is just even marital treatment).  If he is buying something like that for him, he buys something he wants to see on me.  (It's sort of an extension we used to have on video games, so no one was unhappy by not getting things they wanted and it was kinda fair, only he won that by default because they stopped making the kinds of games I like en masse). 
    Yes, I'm totally going to ride this train into feeling more appealing to him. 
  13. Briannah

    Antideppressants

    By Briannah,

    So last night I asked Nikki to reconsider his resistance to antidepressants and talk to Bethany(our doctor) about finding the right one.  It has been 20 years since I was on one, and my understanding of the modern choices is that the different kinds aren't just different brands, but work differently on different types of issues.  I assume Bethany will know more, she's been concerned about his mental state for a while and wanting him to talk over the options with her.  She's not a pill pusher, in fact she swings the other way, let's try to control things first through behavioral adaptation, if not, then lets start with the lowest dosages possible and slowly increase until we reach a workable effect is her approach.  I trust her not to zombie him out, but help us choose the right medication to ease him back into his emotions so that his therapist can better help him work with them.  The therapist has also been talking about them to him. 
    The more we talked, the more clear he made it to me that he ONLY feels sadness, numbness, anger, or extreme high happy.  All the other emotions of life are just gone.  This isn't unusual for depression, but it does make it such a hard condition to defeat. 
    I have taken them during my first bout with depression, it was what made me able to deal with the actual issues going on in my head and know what I really actually felt about them because it restored my ability to feel.  It took six months and two different prescriptions to find the right one for me, but it was worth it.  The frustrating part was i was a minor and my parents kept me on the one that wasn't working for four months, two months after my therapist told them I needed to be switched because there should have been an effect.  And I think the depression never had a chance to get as deep into me because I was already in therapy for the add and the Dr. recognized the symptoms of the second disorder sliding in and treated it very quickly with the two prong medication and therapy approach.  And taught me how to self treat without the pills once I was recovering.  Which is how I pulled myself out of that I feel nothing pit I was in in 2011.  I don't think Nikki ever pulled out of it, I think he just quietly slid deeper and can't find his way out. 
    I honestly don't know if I'm surprised or not, but he agreed to do so without much discussion, and most of the discussion about antidepressants was me making sure he understood that I wasn't asking him to take the pills as a cure, that doesn't happen, but as a tool to be able to regain his emotions to help him sort out what is happening to him and cure himself with therapy and healthy living.  Still no suicidal issues I can see, but l know what long term lack of emotion does to people.  Been to those memorials. 
    He remembers being happy up until around 2011, even when things were hard, remembers emotional ranges and the sheer variety of feelings and thoughts, he just can't touch them anymore.  That breaks my heart for him.  They aren't something I can find for him.  But I can do my level best to make sure he is trying to get better, and has the tools to do so. 
  14. Briannah

    Nervous.

    By Briannah,

    So today is kind of a scary day.  Were supposed to meet up with a mutual friend who has agreed to talk to Nikki about her childhood abuse, since they suffered similar pain.  I"m terrified for Nikki.  He's already stressy and nervous, and this will be the first time he's ever going to try talking to someone more than a brief "this happened" sort of thing.  He's doing this form himself, not for me, not for any advice, but because he wants to sit face to face with another human that shares his life experience.  He didn't want to wait until he gets in with the therapist.  I asked them to decide if I should be there or not, and they both requested I do so because I give good hugs.  It has been a long time since I sat in on a conversation like this.  And I'm scared for how Nikki feels and wll feel in a few hours.  And I want to find the person that did this to him and do things I won't get graphic about here.  I do have a rage for this faceless person that hurt baby Nikki.  And a general one for all people who harm others.  It really sucks that my best love and support, while important, can't really help him feel better, he has to experience this for himself to work through is feelings. 
    I guess this is where healing begins, whether you talk to a professional, spouse, or another survivor.  You have to let it hurt and face it before it gets better, I know that, but I have this unrealistic urge to somehow magically make it all better for Nikki and am frustrated that i can't. I think he feels a similar frustration when I'm broken and on the floor in a mess and he can't fix it.  But I can't protect him from this, I can only love on him and let him know he's not alone.  Nikki is very much is a problem solver, he wants to always 'fix' whatever is wrong right then, and sometimes we have problems communicating on things that can't be fixed, only lived through.  I honestly feel like that contributed into his fear to talk to me.  Because he didn't know how to 'fix' either his feelings or our day to day life to work with them.  That is part of why I had so MUCH confusion when I first found out, his relations to me and behaviors are so typically waht I understood to be masculine(so much so I really had to learn to understand that cleaning my windows wasn't a whim, but literally his way of "I love you, and I'm showing you by doing this thing that will make you happy, there was a time when I wondered if I was some kind of living sex doll for him and if he remembered I was actually here, but once I figured it out I was floored by the sheer avalanche of ways he showered love on me), but I absolutely believed him when tells me that he feels like he's supposed to be a woman and the confusions he has going on inside, so I went into a crazy spiral of just confusion. 
    I asked him if someone let him go back to the day before I found out, would he sanitize the journal entries I stumbled into, or would he let it play out?  He thought hard, and said he would go back and do neither, but instead do what he should have and talked to me(That was his words, not mine that he should have).  So I did get he answer I was looking for, he IS happier and this IS what he wants, for me to know and have been able to make my choices on how this works for me and have the chance to try to live up to his wants and needs from me. 
    Going forward I think we are stronger.  I think we have learned to talk better to each other, talk more completely to each other, and to hear each others actual voice instead of echoes of our own issues in our heads.  We have a good foundation for a therapist to work with!  LOL  We  have also made a tentative plan ever fifth anniversary to take a staycation and do intensive marital examination like we did after this, because keeping better behaviors is a lifelong process and commitment to earning them through work and communication.  Apparently before I found out, this was a dip in and out thing and Nikki didn't really self-examine all that closely, but my need to understand helped him focus and find some answers in himself to know what he feels and wants.  Nikki has always been very focused on doing whatever it took to make me happy, in big and small things.  So I suppose honestly beforehand really digging into his distress and confusion would have presented a conflict with that desire, but now that I know and <b>I</b> needed that to regain my footing and security, it became much easier for him to do.  He told me me that me knowing and asking and researching and sharing what I see both the positives and negatives, helped him start to come to terms with everything in himself instead of being a nebulous cloud.  So we're learning together, and I like that.  I think he likes that.
    Now we just have to get through today, and through the work he'll have to do in therapy to conquer his depression and regain his joy in life.  I wish for him to feel as much joy in himself and his life as he tells me he feels in having my love and how hard I work to make him happy to. 
    Today's good mindset: Scary things are okay.  Overcoming is what brings health, happiness, and security.

    Today's Fear: Oh my god what is this going to do to my Nikki.
  15. Briannah

    That weird moment...

    By Briannah,

    when you're browsing transgender oriented stores for your mate and suddenly are considering things for yourself too.   Is this something like what Nikki feels shopping on the woman's websites?  That this stuff is nice, I'm not the intended clientele, but dangit I want to wear some of this.  Then I trip over my own social paranoia like I'm not supposed to take these items and wear them, they're not meant for me, and then I realize wow, that is a silly feeling if the whole idea of embracing this new adventure we're on is that it doesn't matter who the clothes were meant for, only how the person who wears them feels.  Nikki is on an unholy quest to find me things he wants to see me in, after I (somewhat more timidly than I like to admit, behave dismorphia, embrace that Nikki finds me pretty and dress up for him) asked him if maybe the answer for my really awkward body shape and weight distribution might be found in these stores.  It never even occured to me before this to look.  I didn't close down Nikki's world, and for that he's opening up mine and maybe this won't help at all, but the possibility and looking at things is fun and good bonding with Nikki. 
    He's also threatening to take up sewing and waved an unholy amount of scratchy-type lace at me that will make my skin go crazy...I think it's supposed to be motivation to work hard on finding better clothing with him.  It also made me realize the last thing I ever sewed was my first wedding dress (made my own!) and how long ago that was.  Talk about skill atrophy.
  16. Briannah

    Still alive! :)

    By Briannah,

    Seriously, contrary to facebook rumors, Bree is alive and well.    It's just...summer.  I can go outside.  WOOHOO!  Winter gets very long when you are cooped up and can't go outside without entering the er from the cold-induced asthma attack.  Anyone here have asthma and know what I mean?  Not being able to breath very suddenly sucks.  So I have spent the last couple months outside with Nikki nearly continuously.  (Yes, we should all be worrying about global warming, our local weather has gone very strange the last several years, and continues to do so).  We cooked out, we swam, we chased pokemon all over the town, and we are having a great summer. 
    Hope you are all aslo enjoying the great summer! (or winter, if you are in the southern hemisphere).
  17. Briannah

    Haha! Turned tables!

    By Briannah,

    Since we have decided sharing closets works for us, I have made my self at home in his comfy black knit cargo shorts.  I LOVE these shorts.  Next spring I am planning to buy several more, as these are fantastic shorts that don't ride up indelicately on me like my shorts.  I like the longer length and bigger pockets than on the female version I have.  Nikki complains a lot that I absconded with his shorts.  But they are COMFY.  Oh my god comfy.  And he absconded with my sparkly butterfly shirt, so it's all even.  And when I took them off because I thought he was serious, he got all upset because apparently it's just fun to tease me about absconding and he thinks I"m cute in them and if I'm not actually wearing them, the game is over.  LOL  And I got to wear his Daryl Dixon shirt as penance for him teasing me.  *bliss*
    Seriously though I really need to buy more of these, but it seems wasteful to buy a bunch of shorts when it's getting cold outside.   But a nice gray pair would be lovely.  Anything that isn't white, white clothes and clumsy Bree never work out well.  At all. 
    The only thing we ever actually fight over is socks, because you know, the dryer somehow eats them and there aren't ever enough around no matter how many we buy.  Speaking of socks, I need to hit up the sports store.  They had these amazing "Cabin socks" that are cushy, warm, and amazing.  Ours are getting old, and I think a few new pairs are just what an Ohio winter is screaming for.  Neither of us are slipper fans. 
  18. Briannah
    So.  I'd been doing rather well mostly the last year or two medically, ever since that emergency surgery issue in 2015.  So...Cobra for insurance between Nikki's old job and new job is $875 a month.  We don't have that much extra money.  We just don't, even with the really nice raise new job has afforded us.  And of course, I develop a problem.  My stomach acid is trying to digest the rest of me.  Acid reflux gone crazy.  *headdesk*  I have to more months until there is insurance again.  And I'm REALLY hesitant to scrounge up the money to go to the urgent care, for fear of what the senate  is doing with the legislation and inadvertently getting a 'pre-existing condition' and having them repeal that protection and then I'm really in trouble.
    So in the meantime, trying to control it with life style changes as best I can.  I just ordered a $300 pillow.  Seriously. It's called a medcline, and if anyone else here has acid reflux, look it up and see if it's good for you.  I'm a side sleeper, so sleeping on a wedge is a big issue for me.  This medcline thing is a wedge, but it has a hole built in for your arm, which both holds you onto the wedge at night and comfortable gives your arm a place to go on the wedge, but also keeps you on the left side, which reduces the acids ability to escape.  Now I have to wait for it.  
    Changed my diet according to the recommendations, and it's slowing down the burning feelings, but this really sucks.  
    Either way, it's a good reminder to myself to not get complacent about what they are doing with medical care laws.  For me, this problem is temporary.  For millions of retail and food service workers for example off the top of my head, this is every day reality.  Someone asked me why I care so much the other day, when I have access generally.  And this is why, because I can't imagine not having a reasonable end date to being able to get help, and then in two more months being able to.  There is a real fatigue in following the political crazy, but it's important.  
    Love to you all, and I hope you're all in good health.  
  19. Briannah
    Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening.  My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore.  He doesn't listen to the doctors.  He treats her like crap.  He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is.  She deserves so much better, but nothing I can do about it. 
    I really don't want her to be in pain, and I don't wish ill on anymore, but I just can't muster it within to really CARE beyond about her needs, ya know? 
  20. Briannah
    So as some of you know i sort of went on an obsessive research binge to understand transgenderism in general and specific to what is needed to make my marriage successful.  Only what isn't showing is that I'm still almost obsessively researching the social aspects of this.  And I do mean almost obsessionally.  And my friend M asked me why I'm stuck in this, and things gestalted.  I have a huge problem in this marriage that has nothing to do with Nikki's transgenderism, but is being triggered by it. 
    Nikki never has my back in a conflict situation.  I'm always on my own.  I hate conflict every bit as deeply as he does, and i get physically sick from it, and terrified and spirally.  Whenever Nikki gets into a conflict situation, I always have his back and am right there as his first line of defense if it's an untrue or misunderstood issue, or give him space to work with this information if Nikki is in the wrong.  I've never left him alone on the hook, and he's been clear he never wants me to.  And I never really consciously realized it, I couldn't figure out what was wrong in our marriage prior to this coming out, and why the increased closeness and working things out wasn't <b>fixing</b> me in the thought it would.  And why I was so hung up on him throwing me under the bus in our talk with L on an issue i"d worked really hard to correct before any of this came out and was making a lot of strides, and when I explained my problem with Nikki saying now, she basically put it on me that i ask for to much.  So that amkes sense, whenever I ask something from Nikki, he says no.  EVERY single time.  And then does it.  Now, I have no gauge when no MEANS no.  Nikki got angry with me if I accepted no and tried to do it myself or went to do something else if I was asking him to do an activity with me, and he got angry with me if didn't accept no because i literally can't tell anymore.  When L asked what other issues were being worked on, and I brought that up, she brought up I ask him to do many things for me and that I was blaming him somehow when I as trying to express that I am literally confused about what NO means based on his behaviors.  And I said I don't think that was what was going on but I"d work on it, and he literally said nothing until she asked the next qustion, and I let it go because that's what I always do.   But the more I was doing for myself, the less I was feeling in a marriage because I was still on my own when it was hard and not being taken care of in a physical sense to substitute for it.  I know, substitution is never a healthy thing in something like this.  Nikki has been working really hard on that because h'es realizing I've lost my guage and I don't take it in a flirty way, and has been cosciously stopping that.  That helps tremendously with that problem.
    It took a bit to gestalt, but I'm substituting the emotional feelings of 'he cares' when he does something for me to cover the realization that I'm on my own when things aren't pleasant and happy.  And how much I really hate knowing that.  When I asked him about not mentioning to L that I had realized that on my own and worked to get it under control, was he misleading me that I had have great success?  He replied no, he was just uncomfortable with arguing with her.  If he can't say to one of his bets freinds "She's worked really hard on that, it's not part of my thinking it's cute to say no every time she asks for something and confusing her and not hearing that she doesn't find it cute" how can I ever expect him to have my back with my ongoing issues wtih my parents, or in a new social setting like bars and nightclubs while he's dressed? 
    This forum has been beautiful, but some weren't.  Some were really clear to me that I"m just collateral damage or baggage, or that I'm now allowed to have needs or am shallow for thinking that bodies matter and if I love/find him sexually attractive as a male I should automatically be able to do so as a female.   I can choose to pick a forum where I can connect with people emotionally and learn from that interaction in a positive way.  But in a face to face situation I don't really know how to not just want to cry and feel ashamed of being me.  And Nikki honestly admitted I would be on my own.  I don't know what to DO with all this.  He said he'll try to work on it like I have with his new needs, but it's all so confusing.  It tangles up in my head with how does someone value you if they are only really there when it's easy or when the difficulty is on their side and they need you? 
    This is a godawful time to come to this realization too.   Nikki will be home soon and wants to talk about this and I don't even know how to verbalize any of this.  That's why I wrote it down, maybe he'll just agree to read it and then ask me questions so that I can get some sort of internal sense of direction and what I actually WANT to make this better.  I don't even know what is realistic and fair to ask for.
  21. Briannah
    I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up. 
    The box.
    My cat is in a box.  And I'm just losing it all over again.  Because the reality that my cat is IN that box.  And that there will be more boxes as time goes by.  I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box. 
    It's a nice box.  With a plaque with her name on it and the day she died.  And a little round plaque with her paw prints on it.  That they made after she was gone, but still.  It was her last little gift to us, that impression of her little paws.  That box is going to bother me for a long time, but time will fix it eventually.  Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go and hug my cat whose still with me and try not to think about future boxes as hard as I can.  And I ate some fudge.  It helped.  Didn't fix all the feels, but it did help a little bit.
    Hugs to all of your, hope the world is being kind to you all.
  22. Briannah
    If you are suffering from depression, and snore, please ask your doctor for a sleep apnea test.  Or if you just snore, as it can have long term effects that build slowly.
    This is not a cure.  Depression can have MANY causes, and I'm not touting any snake oil easy card.  But recent experiences for both Nikki and I have given me some new knowledge about the links between depression and the damage sleep apnea can do to you, and the difference for both of our cases has been astronomical since we started using the cpap machines.  Yes, it can suck a little with the thing on your face, but the benefits have really been dramatic.  And the physical issues I was chasing around with the doctor aren't heart disease at all, it was the damage the lack of oxygen long term at night was doing to my body and we've both gotten varying degrees of physical improvements also.  And surprisingly after a few weeks it's broken my insomnia, another thing I learned can be apnea caused.   If you're lucky you're not a mouth breaker like me, and can just get this little strap thingy that just covers your nose (like Nikki has), but I have to wear a plastic mask thingy that covers both my nose and mouth.  If you do test and get a positive, it's a little wierd with the wall of air hitting you in the face at first and I had this urge to breath hard in response, but I got used to it after a week and started breathing like a normal person instead of a drowning one.  I don't know if I'm just weird or there is a biological reaction going on there.
    Sometimes sleep apnea is misdiagnosed as depression.  Sometimes depression is misdiagnosed as sleep apnea.  And in a great many cases the two conditions intertwine and make each other worse.  SO I wanted to share this with as many people as I can.  Again, it's not a magic cure, and not instant, but I think we should always try to improve our quality of life.  And I'm absolutely NOT saying do this not therapy/medication/whatever else you use, just get checked to make sure this isn't a side issue that is doing damage to both body and mind also.  I'm just sharing for those who might also have been living in my mess and equally not aware of it can maybe get an improvement to help their current care.    I think Nikki got more depression help and I got more physical help, but we both got some of each in the end.  
  23. Briannah
    All the symptoms but the lung congestion have fallen away.  If it's not gone by Tuesday, I'm going to back to see Bethany because I've had things like this turn into Pnuemonia before.   And the last thing Nikki needs just before he starts seeing the therapist is for me to go from sick to 'into real trouble'.  Blargh.  I feel like I want to cough out my lungs, windpide, and or esophagus.  And I have this irrational fear that I"m ruining the weekends girl time, even though Nikki says he's not feeling great and doesn't feel like screwing around with it. 
    I'm sorta in a perfect internal storm of anxiety triggers.  The ongoing struggle with my family, the extra hours at work (my job is awful, and the smoke from teh boss has been driving my congestion and asthma crazy), the paranoia that I'll get my guts twisted up from the severe coughing again (that is how I injured myself into surgery last July), my asthma triggering off the congestion and making it crazy hard to get enough air, and Nikki being really sick and down again are all making me crazy.  Doctor said two weeks is the normal clearout, so waiting til Tuesday unless anything goes wrong. 
    I need to find something to do to get my brain outta thinking mode clearly.
  24. Briannah

    Anniversary

    By Briannah,

    So it was a rocky year, but we made it out okay.  Today was our 18th anniversary, and we had a great day.  And the weather was almost nice!    We had a nice brunch out(Nikki is trying to live on my schedule during staycation, silly sleepy boy so we didn't wake up til 11), my aunt stopped by to drop off my birthday card since I was busy yesterday only she actually forgot the card on her counter, then we packed up more tubs and moved them to my moms and stopped and my aunts on the way home, grabbed some dinner, and spent the night gaming together.  It was fun.
    Right now my cat is super high on a catnip stash I didn't know he has, and is amusing the daylights outta me.  Drunk cat. I think he may be in need of Catnip Anonymous. 
    So I bit the bullet and had the we're leaving as soon as reasonably possible talk with the family, it went better than I expected.  Turns out the aunt's interest aligns with our desire to be outta here (She's not eager to be rid of us, but she thinks my mom will have to come outta lala land without us to pick up the slack).  She asked to see some of the houses I saved as potentials, and we had fun looking them over.  She has a good eye too and was helpful picking out little tidbits and we had a good time.  I like my aunt most of the time, but sometimes she gets WEIRD. Runs in the family.  She also thinks we just sorta lingered too long here after Grandma passed.  The deal with Nikki was we couldn't leave unless there was no way around it until Grandma passed, and she went in 2011.  There was a long time of depression where change was a bad idea, and then we just sorta got into a holding pattern.
    It was kinda disturbing when I talked to my mom though, I asked nicely if I could stay with her for a while and before I could finish explaining she got all gleeful thinking I was getting divorced.  It's not about Nikki at all though, don't misunderstand.  My mom married my dad reasonably young, I think they were 21, I"m not really clear on that bit.  I think they were married three to four years before I was born. And only three years after, my dad had the affair I talked about before that he involved me in.  So they divorced, and she literally never did anything again.  No dates, no talking to anyone, didn't even make a single non-work friend, just sat around all the time reading romance novels.  It's creepy to me as an adult, but as a kid I thought that was what grownups did.  And we never got along after my divorce when I didn't sit around doing nothing, and started dating again immediately on the separation (it took me a few years to save up for my actual divorce, but everyone I went out with knew I was legally married but not in contact with my husband at all and why).  And then it got worse when I succesfully married again.  She literally resents me for making it obvious it was her own choices that led her to her current life, that you can get up and start over and find the happy ending.  So I get frustrated realizing how it is, but at the same time I just sorta shrug cuz what can I do?  I can't make her less crazy.  And I'm not going to babysit a grown woman who won't do anything to improve her situation.  I make no apologies for continuing to kiss the frogs til I found the prince/ss. I do make some apologies to the frogettes for not understanding the difference between bisexual and biromantic though, I dropped the ball on that one and hurt some women's feelings and own up that.  But those experiences were part of what made me me, so that's ultimately okay too, I didn't do it on purpose. 
    So sorta creepy in an otherwise great fun weekend.  I think I don't even understand how much pressure and emotional weight will be gone when I am.  Sometimes I back burner things I know I cant' really change, and then am astonished when the situation is gone and how happy I am that it's gone.  
    And let's be real, with the Cheeto destroying everything, lower living expenses to pay the crazy medical fees that will be there since there won't be any protection against my pre-existing conditions or lifetime caps is important.  I may have to go back to college and major in chemistry just so I can figure out it the local water is safe to drink. 
  25. Briannah
    So since Nikki was gone all morning I called my friend M and binged like a madwoman on catching up and going over our recent marital issues.  It was a great reality check for me, I reacted extremely because my bond with Nikki was threatened by the unknown, her bond with her husband was actually severed by his choices(nothing to do with anything like what Nikki is going through, think really badly handled midlife crisis choices).  And then when he realized his mistake, now he suddenly cares and is trying to fix it after some really brutal choices.  And she's a great person to know, she loves you with a whole heart and is really honest with you.  I don't think of my life in terms of worst case scenario in general, but I realize we had a fairly easy and quick sorting out of the initial phase as much as is possible at this point, and am so grateful for that.
    And...I sort of floored her.  She knew from yesterday's face to face time friend we had a thing, but friend didn't tell M what it was, just that she might want to check on me, and shared some of the concerns L had about it based on my flaws and some positives they wanted to help me reinforce from my strengths.  So leaving from L's I texted her indicating I wanted to talk to her this morning and not do it on text again.  This is the kind of friendship we have, helping each other be shiny and overcome the dull spots, and L was worried she so emphasized with A she might not be getting me so asked M who is way like me but was in a healthier place with it earlier to reach out.  So M and I hadn't really talked closely in several years, we got busy with lives and live nearly four hours apart.  But it's the kind of friendship that you can pick up at a moments notice.  But she told me she was floored by how much I've grown, changed, and overcome my past issues.  Apparently L feels that I have more blame language than I realize, but also that I fully do not mean to be doing it.  So M said she would work with me and of course Nikki has agreed to point out if he catches any, but Nikki didn't quite feel that the comment I made that triggered L's thought was blamy.  So this is going to be hard improving what i don't quiet get, but I'm not dead yet, so I'll give it my best.  Cleaning emotional house with her was a wondrous reality check for both of us on where we are in our lives, and that it's okay to now know the best path forward and we'll figure it out together as we go.  We'll just never get to Cleveland.  LOL  We didn't get to Cleveland on the phone today either, but we did affirm our shared love of Nikki, and our agreement that her husband has a lot of work to do and it's okay for her to explore her feelings and decide if she wants to repair the marriage or not and owes him nothing until she decides either way.  I promised NIkki and I would make the drive to her in March, since logistically it's easier that way.  Offspring will care for my animals for a day trip, she doesn't have anyone for hers.  We're gonna catch up and eat amazing food.  Everytime we see M there is some new amazing food thing I can't believe I'd never had before.  She was the first time I ate Panera bread, Nutella, and a variety of other things. OMG Nutella on pound cake.  Just saying.
    An analogy I used to explain to Nikki WHY I want to be part of the journey and not just the destination, why confused and uncertain but shared is not only okay to me, but desirable.  He likes to go on a trip with the route mapped, a clear destination, and as little disruption as possible.  So it's like getting into L's car.  But I like the journey, that is where I grow and do my best adaptation as the situations go.  I once got in a car with M and we were trying to go from Toledo to Cleveland (I lived in T-town then) and we ended up crossing half of Ohio and back at my house.  But it was the most fun road trip ever the minute we realized we were both lost and just went with it and used the time to chatter and have a blast.  And we learned more about each other and forged a lifetime bond that we have both relied on during various disasters over the years than we would have with a smooth trip to Cleveland.  And saw some really weird crap, Ohio, you are weird.  I think I've finally expressed my feeling to him, which was vague and probably really confusing to him prior to this conversation.  He never did understand WHY I kept getting in cars with M and being late to...well...everything we ever tried to go to together. 
    M didn't know about my dismorphia, and feels like I crossed that last barrier of trying to hide things and so much she couldn't figure out about me is clear.  Adulting is hard, I want to just turtle. 
    So Nikki got home from Valentine's day, in full on boy mode to my surprise, I thought we were still in girl mode honeymoon phase, but okay, I adjusted my Valentine day cuddle plans accordingly and had a lovely morning with him.  No big deal, my entire plan was tailored to things he said he wanted from me, so I have them in reserve for the day he does want them.  I'm prepared!  We're going to see Deadpool in a bit, and it is only my deep devotion to making that boy happy that is getting my cold shell outta this house into the SIXTEEN DEGREES that Ohio has decided to grace us with.  I need more layers.  Deadpool had best be as funny as people tell me he is.  Cuz our theater doesn't believe in heat.
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