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Briannah

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Blog Entries posted by Briannah

  1. Briannah
    Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
  2. Briannah

    Haha! Turned tables!

    By Briannah,

    Since we have decided sharing closets works for us, I have made my self at home in his comfy black knit cargo shorts.  I LOVE these shorts.  Next spring I am planning to buy several more, as these are fantastic shorts that don't ride up indelicately on me like my shorts.  I like the longer length and bigger pockets than on the female version I have.  Nikki complains a lot that I absconded with his shorts.  But they are COMFY.  Oh my god comfy.  And he absconded with my sparkly butterfly shirt, so it's all even.  And when I took them off because I thought he was serious, he got all upset because apparently it's just fun to tease me about absconding and he thinks I"m cute in them and if I'm not actually wearing them, the game is over.  LOL  And I got to wear his Daryl Dixon shirt as penance for him teasing me.  *bliss*
    Seriously though I really need to buy more of these, but it seems wasteful to buy a bunch of shorts when it's getting cold outside.   But a nice gray pair would be lovely.  Anything that isn't white, white clothes and clumsy Bree never work out well.  At all. 
    The only thing we ever actually fight over is socks, because you know, the dryer somehow eats them and there aren't ever enough around no matter how many we buy.  Speaking of socks, I need to hit up the sports store.  They had these amazing "Cabin socks" that are cushy, warm, and amazing.  Ours are getting old, and I think a few new pairs are just what an Ohio winter is screaming for.  Neither of us are slipper fans. 
  3. Briannah
    I had a REALLY uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine today who was worried that a third friend had offended me with a sort of inappropriate outburst of hate against Clinton in the middle of game raid night.  And I admitted it had made me really uncomfortable, but...not on the political front.  And then the conversation got way personal, and I realized that what scares me most isn't Trump himself and his crazy, dangerous things that he spouts. There is always that one person yelling crazy stuff.   Always. 
    What really is stirring up the things inside is...the things normal people are saying all over comment sections in places I go and conversations.  There is a video with trump saying how great it is to be a star from 2005, because you can just walk up to women and 'kiss them or grab them by their *vulgar word for crotch here*').  He admitted to sexual assault.  And a large group of predatory type personalities are ranting at ME (abuse survivor, thanks) that I'M not understanding that it's not wrong.  That I'm the stupid one because saying he enjoys just walking up to women he likes and doing those things isn't rape, so it's okay.  WTH???????????  So if this man makes it into the presidency, what does the day to day world look for vulnerable people?  The president says it's okay to kiss and grab the crotch of someone you like, so shut up and take it if I want to target you?  I"m not even pretty or have a nice body and I've still had to deal with unwanted advances and sexual attentions and the rage that I had to nerve to say stop I don't want this and wasn't grateful that they wanted to use me.  What would the world look like for the really pretty woman that lots of men want to just grab and grope?  How much worse is it for them on a daily basis would it be with this sort of condonement in authority? 
    I can rationally connect to how immigrants of all minorities have to be feeling, but I can't emotionally say I know because I haven't lived that life. But if they feel as scared as I am, that is a lot of people.  Women are half the population by ourselfs.  Let's say minority men are another 20% to be conservative.  That makes 70% of the population it's suddenly open season on? 
    Politics used to be about laws and where the line was between individual freedom and group wants/needs.  But this time it feels more like it's about what is going to happen in the streets.  Or is already out there but was hidden, and now is under a shiny huge spotlight.  It's like everyone is just losing their minds about basic human rights all around me.  People used to laugh at me when I said I try to treat everyone well, because you can't divide people up and say it's okay to be good to one group and bad to the other, eventually like that no one is safe.  They said I didn't understand.  But look what is happening.  None of this is really about Trump or Clinton, the fights between people on the net are about basic decency and horror.  And it's really scary.
    Why is my culture so inherently unable to understand that human beings are all human beings?  You can not like whoever you want, but no one has the right to harm others.  And using figureheads to justify committing horrors doesn't really justify anything, we still know a horror was committed.  It's like russian roullette in America of who should feel unsafe today. 
  4. Briannah

    Still being me. :)

    By Briannah,

    So between the cats and a very clumsy Bree trying to get the house ready for the holidays, I look like I tried to go ten rounds with a thorn hedge and a few with a hammer, but I'm making progress with everything.  A little triple antibiotic ointment does wonders for cat scratches by the way.  Ocean swimming does better, but I live a couple states away from that option now.  Oh, the days when I was only an hour away and could go all the time and soak up that wonderful water.  I don't know why it works, it just does.  

    I swallowed down the lies the dismorphia whispers, and ordered non-stretchy pants in a 30 waist instead of the usual 34, just to see, and they fit.  I did lost more weight, and my pants are not in fact falling off my body becuase they stretched out, but because I stretched in.  Of course, my brain doesn't want to deal with it.  But you can't argue jean shorts sizes.  So then I had Nikki shop for me and got a few more dresses for the boat in the actual right size for me.  And I'm creeping up on my first goal, woman's size 24.  I started at 38, am slowly getting places.
    I managed to organize with Nikki's dad and stepmom for an upcoming group vacation, that was fun.  The more people involved in anything the crazier it gets.  But we'll all be somewhere warm and nice on a boat for Nikki's fortieth.   
    The house is actually starting to get organized, and I have unloaded tons of junk that I don't have to deal with to keep it clean.   Developing new habits to overcome that rough upbringing I whine about. LOL   Some success.  Have learned to make some tasty new things, Nikki is pleased with my efforts on the culinary front definitely.  The living room is ready for the tree to come up tomorrow.   The front house is all done up in lights, a little guady, but hey, I live in a town that has SEVERAL impressively gaudy  houses so mine looks underdone.  Seriously, there are a couple so full of stuff you can't even see the grass under it all.  It's crazy. 
    Counting the days til staycation for my birthday and our anniversary (18th), which coincidentally begins right after Nikki's overtime season ends.  Yay!  For four weeks it's basically been work, eat, sleep, and occasionally manage to notice I'm in the house and say hi.  LOL Worked four weeks strait without a day off, poor thing is exhausted.  I'm impressed that he remembers my name at this point!
    Hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a glorious holiday whatever you celebrate, even if it's just the celebration of a free day off, and hope everyone has great fun and stays warm if you're not lucky enough to live in the warmer places. 
     
  5. Briannah

    Anniversary

    By Briannah,

    So it was a rocky year, but we made it out okay.  Today was our 18th anniversary, and we had a great day.  And the weather was almost nice!    We had a nice brunch out(Nikki is trying to live on my schedule during staycation, silly sleepy boy so we didn't wake up til 11), my aunt stopped by to drop off my birthday card since I was busy yesterday only she actually forgot the card on her counter, then we packed up more tubs and moved them to my moms and stopped and my aunts on the way home, grabbed some dinner, and spent the night gaming together.  It was fun.
    Right now my cat is super high on a catnip stash I didn't know he has, and is amusing the daylights outta me.  Drunk cat. I think he may be in need of Catnip Anonymous. 
    So I bit the bullet and had the we're leaving as soon as reasonably possible talk with the family, it went better than I expected.  Turns out the aunt's interest aligns with our desire to be outta here (She's not eager to be rid of us, but she thinks my mom will have to come outta lala land without us to pick up the slack).  She asked to see some of the houses I saved as potentials, and we had fun looking them over.  She has a good eye too and was helpful picking out little tidbits and we had a good time.  I like my aunt most of the time, but sometimes she gets WEIRD. Runs in the family.  She also thinks we just sorta lingered too long here after Grandma passed.  The deal with Nikki was we couldn't leave unless there was no way around it until Grandma passed, and she went in 2011.  There was a long time of depression where change was a bad idea, and then we just sorta got into a holding pattern.
    It was kinda disturbing when I talked to my mom though, I asked nicely if I could stay with her for a while and before I could finish explaining she got all gleeful thinking I was getting divorced.  It's not about Nikki at all though, don't misunderstand.  My mom married my dad reasonably young, I think they were 21, I"m not really clear on that bit.  I think they were married three to four years before I was born. And only three years after, my dad had the affair I talked about before that he involved me in.  So they divorced, and she literally never did anything again.  No dates, no talking to anyone, didn't even make a single non-work friend, just sat around all the time reading romance novels.  It's creepy to me as an adult, but as a kid I thought that was what grownups did.  And we never got along after my divorce when I didn't sit around doing nothing, and started dating again immediately on the separation (it took me a few years to save up for my actual divorce, but everyone I went out with knew I was legally married but not in contact with my husband at all and why).  And then it got worse when I succesfully married again.  She literally resents me for making it obvious it was her own choices that led her to her current life, that you can get up and start over and find the happy ending.  So I get frustrated realizing how it is, but at the same time I just sorta shrug cuz what can I do?  I can't make her less crazy.  And I'm not going to babysit a grown woman who won't do anything to improve her situation.  I make no apologies for continuing to kiss the frogs til I found the prince/ss. I do make some apologies to the frogettes for not understanding the difference between bisexual and biromantic though, I dropped the ball on that one and hurt some women's feelings and own up that.  But those experiences were part of what made me me, so that's ultimately okay too, I didn't do it on purpose. 
    So sorta creepy in an otherwise great fun weekend.  I think I don't even understand how much pressure and emotional weight will be gone when I am.  Sometimes I back burner things I know I cant' really change, and then am astonished when the situation is gone and how happy I am that it's gone.  
    And let's be real, with the Cheeto destroying everything, lower living expenses to pay the crazy medical fees that will be there since there won't be any protection against my pre-existing conditions or lifetime caps is important.  I may have to go back to college and major in chemistry just so I can figure out it the local water is safe to drink. 
  6. Briannah
    Between you've drank the Kool-Aid, joined the paranoid tinfoil hat brigade, or are having a reasonable response to something? How do you REALLY know? 
    Because I might be over that line.  *closes prepper information websites*  Or the line is over me, and I'm just starting to realize things can slide really quickly.  I don't know.
  7. Briannah
    So after the movie we started talking, and I realized that Nikki has made an extremely comfortable place for me in this.  Which is both wonderful and truly scary.  I'm included in his personal world where no one has been, and actively participating in the practical demands and the emotional ones.  I'm finally at the level of closeness to him that was just slightly off, and I had started to think maybe I had internalized too much social romance culture and didn't exist and was doubting myself that something was off as time went by and life was great.  He makes sure it all goes at my pace, and for me really sat down and examined his own needs and feelings to find out what they were.  His google fu when looking for something speicific is amazing and a skill I count on because I often want to find very specific things on the internet, but my ability to big picture and connect varying things that are related but not obviously so led him to a wealth of information about what is going on with him he didn't have access too.  While I had to redifine my understanding of him, he had to do it also, and we did it together.  We have a healthy balance of his need for me to emotionally care for him the way he physically cares for me, and him dong it for himself that I don't think we had before.  I can't even say how much positive there has been to me blundering into it.  I learned that the reason he indicated to me the first time that he wanted the hrt was he'd sort of picked up from people on the forums he tried a few years ago it was inevitable, and he didn't really have a clear understanding of it's effects himself until I was showing him my research that i did in an attempt to ease my negative reaction to the idea, and unfortunately strengthened it into a coherent I don't know that I can do this point.  Also I'm completely free to ask for either mode, and I did ask for girl mode last night so that I could use my vday plans I'd worked really hard on dangit.  That was the first time I asked for actual girl mode vs. asking to let me see him like that and adjust.  That was, I wanted to be with you like that and got myself into this mindset and let's fulfill our emotional romance urges together.  I don't know how much of that he perceived, but I think that is a huge breakthrough in my head.  And it let me go further in making my brain ignore the creepy outer plastic of the forms to try to give him a more natural full experience.
    But that's why it's so scary.  And I had this talk with him last night.  So many real voices I speak with talk about how it progresses as they go, and I do have real internal fears on a lot of things.  When I first started looking for places and tried to talk to real people instead of reading pyschological information, I was either mocked for my commitment to remain with Nikki (Support groups are so not supportive if they required a foregone conclusion of action to fit in damnit) or I was mocked for having sexual and emotional issues and needs of my own dealing with this.  And Nikki has a problem where he wasn't okay with either, but he's very conflict resistant and so started stewing.  Originally I was looking for him to guide me into this world, I didn't realize how much he'd jumped to conclusions vs. actual self-examination and was working under the misunderstanding that he'd scoped this all out and was just waiting for the courage to talk to me or the day I blundered into it.  That wasn't working out so great, so my I will find us someplace kicked in.  That is how I was the one to find this place and dip in first, that may have seemed strange to people, but that's our dynamic.  There is an underlying assumption between our personalities that i will always protect him.  The first clue I got when I arrived and started talking that this was the place was that no one thought it was weird or commented that I was the first to land, and people treated me like I belonged.  Even though I am cis, there is no part of what happens to Nikki that doesn't affect me and the supportive education I'm getting here on his feelings, mine, and all of yours is invaluable as we figure this all out and you all keep me on an even emotional keel so that I CAN even figure out what frightens me, what makes me happy, what I need to be able to make him happy (and I am progressing with the prosthetics, Nikki was beyond pleased last night).  You have all completely changed the coming out story in a truly positive way.   Just because I have the commitment and love for him did not mean I had to tools to even being to understand myself or him in this time.  And I really fear losing my comfortable place where I embrace just about everything that makes him feel good in both modes. 
    And then I did something I'd never done, asked him to fill a need I have that is as scary to him as the first time I went to see him dressed like a woman with breasts.  I think he's incredibly uncomfortable with what i asked (and it's NOT a trigger physical activity).  I've always been the initiator in sexuality matters.  Nikki is uncomfortable doing so, and the rare times he has is because I was so caught up in life and wasn't doing it and physical urges overrode his natural submission.  And it was a tentative would you like to...? sort of moment.  But part of my dismorphia that was cycling around for years unspoken and not even understood by me that his perceived lack of interest in starting that activity with me, even though rationally understood and accepted, was hitting my disorder in a very real way convincing me he didn't really want me, he only does that with me because I make it easily obtainable for him.   That was a terrifying moment for me, but I don't want him to hide from me, and since I had realized this in all this mess, I'm not going to hide from him.  It's all in for both of us or we might as well stop.  That being said, I don't mean he has to turn into a crazed maniac.  I think the proposed plan was he sets a repeating alarm on his clock for like every to weeks to remind hm to ask me to go upstairs with him.  My stupid brain doesn't need a full blown seduction attempt of the kind i actually enjoy putting on for him, it's sort of a really fun creative challenge for me how to reach and hit all his emotional buttons, which is why it kind of threw me that my Vday plan had been for girl mode and I had to come up with something on the fly. 
    This is a very comfortable and amazing place for me, despite the ongoing confusion.  And there is still a lot of confusion on my end, when I try to talk to Nikki about what being  a woman inside means to him, his answers are ALWAYS fixated on the physical aspect.  This is not a judgement on my part, please understand, but this creates a communications disconnect for me and a lot of confusion, because my physical parts are a biproduct of it, and I rarely think about them beyond trying to wrangle their health and convenience, fitting into the damn bras and not hitting my own damn face with boobs, sexual aspects, etc.  So now I'm left trying to understand if Nikki has just not developed that part because of his kind of emotionally stunting family and didn't have a period in teenage hood like me where he realized how much he'd missed out on and actively set out to learn it for himself, or if his particular flavor of the transgender umbrella is really his brain focusing for whatever reason on the physical aspects, most strongly on body hair, general body shape, and breasts, but it likes his boy parts and psyche just fine.  LIterally, he puts on the forms and bra, and most of the time wears his normal boy clothes and does what he does around the house, and the only thing that changes is the stress switch in his head is flipped back to quiet.  Am I trying to connect to and nurture something neglected, or is it something just not there?  And Nikki can't answer until he works on this and finds out for himself.  But that crystallized some of why I'm scared about the future.
    A huge potential problem is...Nikki and I really prefer the same kind of female, which he can't be in a relationship.  Which is way closer to me than him.  So while his tastes and desire for me present no conflict if transition is an inevitability he was originally led to believe (and I now now that the spectrum presents a lot of choice, and only with a lot of hard work will he know what his future life and needs will be like) that presents a huge emotional conflict and desire issue for me.  My tastes run to softer males and harder females.  I think if had been allowed to develop naturally, I would have been way more submissive than I am and acted on my inner taste for dominant males (I drool over Sabretuth, Snake Pliskin, Raislint Majere, etc.).  I enjoy dominant types.  However, my formative years being wired by a crazy man who hurt me over and over (met ex husband when I was 16 adn jsut starting out on the sexuality explorations and settings) made that impossible for me to ever trust and fully engage with in that with a man.  Nature v. nurture.
    And, let's be real, him being a mix of both together, often as the same time, really works for me on all the levels, emotional, physical, and connectibility.  I think I am going beyond adjusting into full on this is my life and I like it, and I don't want to lose this.
     
  8. Briannah
    Nikki made a comment while I was plague moaning(I'm really whiny when I'm sick, I confess), that he'd been planning to spend all day until the gaming event tonight in girl mode, but me being sick required boy mode and I'd ruined his plans (In a joking manner, I don't think there was any resentment).  My response, after he figured out the words because my voice is cracked up, was "Does girl mode preclude me getting fed and taken care of?"  HIm: No... Me: Then what do I care?  Just gimme something to eat and some cough drops and do whatever the hell you want to.  As long as that involved making sure my blankets are cuddly and I'm not dead, I'm good. 
    Kitten, Dinosaur, it's the same really.  The only part where I'd need boy mode is if the cough drops run out and a store run is required.  I'm so not up to driving.  I've walked into dang wall three times trying to get to the bathroom.  It's literally a 10 foot walk.  *hangs head*  But the supply looks good. 
     
     
  9. Briannah

    Antideppressants

    By Briannah,

    So last night I asked Nikki to reconsider his resistance to antidepressants and talk to Bethany(our doctor) about finding the right one.  It has been 20 years since I was on one, and my understanding of the modern choices is that the different kinds aren't just different brands, but work differently on different types of issues.  I assume Bethany will know more, she's been concerned about his mental state for a while and wanting him to talk over the options with her.  She's not a pill pusher, in fact she swings the other way, let's try to control things first through behavioral adaptation, if not, then lets start with the lowest dosages possible and slowly increase until we reach a workable effect is her approach.  I trust her not to zombie him out, but help us choose the right medication to ease him back into his emotions so that his therapist can better help him work with them.  The therapist has also been talking about them to him. 
    The more we talked, the more clear he made it to me that he ONLY feels sadness, numbness, anger, or extreme high happy.  All the other emotions of life are just gone.  This isn't unusual for depression, but it does make it such a hard condition to defeat. 
    I have taken them during my first bout with depression, it was what made me able to deal with the actual issues going on in my head and know what I really actually felt about them because it restored my ability to feel.  It took six months and two different prescriptions to find the right one for me, but it was worth it.  The frustrating part was i was a minor and my parents kept me on the one that wasn't working for four months, two months after my therapist told them I needed to be switched because there should have been an effect.  And I think the depression never had a chance to get as deep into me because I was already in therapy for the add and the Dr. recognized the symptoms of the second disorder sliding in and treated it very quickly with the two prong medication and therapy approach.  And taught me how to self treat without the pills once I was recovering.  Which is how I pulled myself out of that I feel nothing pit I was in in 2011.  I don't think Nikki ever pulled out of it, I think he just quietly slid deeper and can't find his way out. 
    I honestly don't know if I'm surprised or not, but he agreed to do so without much discussion, and most of the discussion about antidepressants was me making sure he understood that I wasn't asking him to take the pills as a cure, that doesn't happen, but as a tool to be able to regain his emotions to help him sort out what is happening to him and cure himself with therapy and healthy living.  Still no suicidal issues I can see, but l know what long term lack of emotion does to people.  Been to those memorials. 
    He remembers being happy up until around 2011, even when things were hard, remembers emotional ranges and the sheer variety of feelings and thoughts, he just can't touch them anymore.  That breaks my heart for him.  They aren't something I can find for him.  But I can do my level best to make sure he is trying to get better, and has the tools to do so. 
  10. Briannah
    Sometimes I just don't feel appropriate emotions to what is happening.  My best freind's husband is on suicide watch, and I really care for her, but not so much for him anymore.  He doesn't listen to the doctors.  He treats her like crap.  He makes no effort to get better, and spends a lot of time telling me how awful a wife she is, bragging about the time he had an affair, and other things that I honestly would have divorced the dude over, but she just sighs and says that's how he is.  She deserves so much better, but nothing I can do about it. 
    I really don't want her to be in pain, and I don't wish ill on anymore, but I just can't muster it within to really CARE beyond about her needs, ya know? 
  11. Briannah
    Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earlier blog about being the partner sucks is only the beginning of what I'm starting to work through.  Not only is there an expectation that your needs will go on hold, there is a social vilifying if you don't live up to it.  People can and WILL call you selfish, evil, cruel, oblivious, and a whole host of other adjectives because you can't push the pause button on...being human. 
    And even as good as I have it, there are times I want to slap Nikki.  Yesterday was one of them, when again, despite all the bending over backwards I am doing to try to support all the things going on with him, he again went after behaviors I can't control for my add anymore than he can control his with everything from crossdressing to anxiety attacks.  I do everything from involving myself in the dressing and making fun happen to grabbing the meditative binaurial beats to help him relax in an anxiety attack.  And we have this conversation every three to six months that you live with an add person, this particular thing isn't a behavior I can control.  Why can't I get the same care I give?  ARgh.  It's frustrating, because I spend so much time learning where there is compromise with him and what isn't something he can help, and I realize I subconsciously expect he would be doing the same, but he's not.  Sometimes I honestly think that he so made a lifestyle of suppression after his attack that he only half lives his life, including knowing me.  
    But I still have it way better than some other partners I know.  And yet I hear mutual friends criticizing their support or perceived lack thereof of their varied physically and mentally ill mates, and I've come to realize there is this almost ridiculous perfection expected socially, at least in my area if not countrywide.  But I heard the same eye-rolling comments about things like this back in Jersey too.  "She shouldn't expect him to care about her day, he's got X issue!"  "How dare he want to go do something fun for a few hours, his wife has X, she needs him at home!"  And those are just the more subtle examples, it gets uglier. 
    Not being in a current crisis state or healthy doesn't mean invulnerable.  It doesn't mean all the burden.  These people have needs that should be met also.  I'm just starting to percolate all this.  I have no idea what the human emotional mechanism behind all this is, but I'm tired and frustrated and really really tired of being told that there is something wrong with me or I'm not a good person/partner because I expect support back and to also have my needs met.  Or for having limits how far I can change myself for the sake of a marriage.  Even with my admittedly overly adaptive personality even for me there are just things i can't jettison and alter in myself, or i don't think I'll even be human anymore.
    Of course, I'm putting most of it on hold while he's dealing with the depression and ptsd from the assault, but I still can reasonably expect him to not hold my disorder against me and that he will actually work to get better and not make this a lifestyle.  This current place we're in being a part of healing, fine.  Six months, a year, whatever.  It takes time to work through things, I know this.  But if he became like some of the other people I know who just live in this all about me and make a crisis a lifestyle, I couldn't live like this, and I couldn't even imagine expecting anyone else to.   Just yeah. 
    Still working through my emotions and my place in this marriage I guess.  Some days really get so subsumed by Nikki that I actually forget i feel anything until it smacks me in the face. 
    Thanks for listening, there isn't really much anyone can do about this I guess. It is what it is.  I"m going to work now.
  12. Briannah
    So I think summer has finally hit.  Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming.  But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. 
    We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well.  Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings.  If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees.  I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki.  Poor plants.  And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along.  I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted.
    The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle.  It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter).  I love those smells.  It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes.  At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants.  Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. 
    Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me.  Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there.   
    SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive. 
  13. Briannah
    We'd finally gotten settled with a good doctor, who knows about Nikki's issues and has been great with both his and mine, and the main office is closing our town's location.  ARGH!  Finding the right doctor and getting a comfortable relationship going is HARD.  *headdesk* 
  14. Briannah
    So.  I'd been doing rather well mostly the last year or two medically, ever since that emergency surgery issue in 2015.  So...Cobra for insurance between Nikki's old job and new job is $875 a month.  We don't have that much extra money.  We just don't, even with the really nice raise new job has afforded us.  And of course, I develop a problem.  My stomach acid is trying to digest the rest of me.  Acid reflux gone crazy.  *headdesk*  I have to more months until there is insurance again.  And I'm REALLY hesitant to scrounge up the money to go to the urgent care, for fear of what the senate  is doing with the legislation and inadvertently getting a 'pre-existing condition' and having them repeal that protection and then I'm really in trouble.
    So in the meantime, trying to control it with life style changes as best I can.  I just ordered a $300 pillow.  Seriously. It's called a medcline, and if anyone else here has acid reflux, look it up and see if it's good for you.  I'm a side sleeper, so sleeping on a wedge is a big issue for me.  This medcline thing is a wedge, but it has a hole built in for your arm, which both holds you onto the wedge at night and comfortable gives your arm a place to go on the wedge, but also keeps you on the left side, which reduces the acids ability to escape.  Now I have to wait for it.  
    Changed my diet according to the recommendations, and it's slowing down the burning feelings, but this really sucks.  
    Either way, it's a good reminder to myself to not get complacent about what they are doing with medical care laws.  For me, this problem is temporary.  For millions of retail and food service workers for example off the top of my head, this is every day reality.  Someone asked me why I care so much the other day, when I have access generally.  And this is why, because I can't imagine not having a reasonable end date to being able to get help, and then in two more months being able to.  There is a real fatigue in following the political crazy, but it's important.  
    Love to you all, and I hope you're all in good health.  
  15. Briannah
    There is a seriously flawed cultural understanding of marriage in American society.  There is this collective assumption that every marriage functions the same, and our media reinforces that.  A giant wash of anything that doesn't look the same.  For a country of freedom we do that a lot, alienation of people who look different, behave different, culturally different, etc.  So much of this country really practices the 'freedom to be just like me' rather than 'freedom to be who you are in peace'. 
    But the things I have come up in through two marriages and...um...nearly 23 total years of being in a marriage (I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly I got divorced at around the five year mark, but had only actively lived in the marriage for nearly three so I get confused because the divorce was rather anticlimactic in the grand scheme of my life to be honest) that no one ever talked about or in any way socially or culturally prepared me is huge.  From the giant ones like mental illness(violent/aggressive - ex husband, difficulty functioning like everyone else me, my son), transgenderism (current husband), trying to navigate a healthy addition of a husband with a child, to small things like handling opposing wants, germs, boredom, and the day to day stress of close quarters living with another human being.  None of that really gets talked about.  Or maybe I just lived in a weirdly sheltered bubble.  But whenever my family, friends, coworkers, media, etc. talk about it they always play up all the 'pros', and gloss over or entirely omit the minutiae and human element of it all.  They make you feel bad if you're not living a Disney fantasy 24/7, which is ridiculous considering no one does. 
    We live in a country with a HIGH failure rate of marriage.  And I do have to wonder if a large part of that can be attributed to the 'don't ask, don't tell' mentality we have about a lot of things, not just alternate sexuality people in the military.  There is so much talk about 'defense of marriage' out there in regards to treating homosexual couples equally, but they're not really defending anything.  Really defending marriage would be to talk about it in much more realistic terms, not setting young people up with these insane expectations from it, and yes, discussing all the varied forms of marriage, including same sex, polyamory, polygamy, romantic marriage, lifestyle marriage, etc. etc.  Telling them the truth that if you don't keep working at it, boredom does set in, not because you're partner or you are bad, but because that is how humans work.  Teaching strategies for the curveballs instead of letting people flail around trying to figure out what to do, it seems like every time anyone in a marriage (including myself) gets tossed a huge curveball there is no coping mechanisms in place and a lot of flailing around 'I don't know what to do!"(and I mean a general sense of "oh, things happen, I feel this and have to figure out where I want to go from here' not a a precognitive ready for everything vs. this isn't ever supposed to happen I"m the only person in the world and I have no social concept what to do at all!).   And the 'roles' and understanding of gender in marriages does more harm than good too, roles should be based on the individual personalities involved not the gender, and there should be freedom to talk honestly rather than expectation of people as a gender, example: when a guy cheats post new child because he's feeling neglected and unwelcome.  Why doesn't he talk about it with his wife?  Because he's been taught to never talk about weaknesses or feelings, and she's been taught to view any talk of such things negatively also.  Stay at home fathers face a lot of nastiness, while stay at home mothers are praised.  But not all women are suited for motherhood, and I think honestly most men ARE suited for fatherhood, they're just taught our weird almost hands off kinda cultural expectation of fatherhood.  We as a society here are SO invested in wanting everyone else to validate our life choices by making the same ones that it gets really ugly for people who are different. 
    That 'defense of marriage' crap really bothers me.  Because we're not defending or promoting stable marriages, we're socially actively engaged in over romanticizing and cultural deconstruction of marriage.  The biggest threat to anyone's marriage is internal, not the gender of the married neighbors.  No one's lifestyle is threatened by allowing others to live their lifestyles, just their sense of being able to force other to be like themselves through legislations, media presentation, and social pressure is slowly being eroded, and maybe one day when we break past the legendary amount of things we don't talk about then a real defense of lasting relationships in all their forms for all people in equality like we talk about can happen.  And for the people who don't like a thing, they don't have to.  They don't have to embrace anyone they don't like.  But they DO have to treat those people with common civility, respect, and safety.  You don't have to invite the gay/ethnic/trans/religious/atheist/man/woman/children over for dinner and board games, but you do have to allow them to live peacefully and unharassed emotionally, physically, financially, legally, and socially.  It's what manners were invented for in the first place, so that people who don't like each other can go about their day to day live in peace around each other. 
    Yes, I came out okay, more or less on top.  But how much better could I have done if married women before me talked about the realities of marriage to me growing up?  If the only media shows that talked about issues like boredom, insecurity, jealousy, neglect, lifestyle erosion of affection, etc. etc. were the ones where someone ends up dead?  If we didn't try to erase people who don't fit the mainstream culture and instead taught a calmer 'not my thing, thank you, but good luck!' response.   Some people are exceptional and say early on "I have a potential dealbreaker, let's talk about this".  There were three in my personal dating history, but most of them tried to hide them until serious investment figuring once the emotional/time investment was made they could force me into accepting it.  One I took the out for, I couldn't romantically get engaged in it, but the other two I didn't and the relationships failed for the classic natural reasons, our personalities weren't right together.  The ones that hid it assuming they could manipulate me into dealing, they were wrong, even Nikki.  Nikki almost didn't come out of this okay because secrets and lying are a hotbutton for me, but I gave him a pass because of the realistic world fear of violence, not just fear of the relationship ending.  But one more secret or lie I don't know about? We're absolutely done.   But I think about how much craziness and marital strife could have been avoided over the years if there had just been an understanding that 'flaws' and 'dealbreakers' (of any kind, I'm not making a judgement on trans here, I know my audience here may be sensitive to my wording here so I want to be clear, by flaw i mean things like my temper and inability to get anywhere on time and general inability to organize at all) are as much of a HUGE determining factor of the day to day of marriages as the 'virtues' and 'dealmakers' are, and so are the basic wants and needs of each person, even if society deems those wants and needs undesirable.  It doesn't make them go away.
    The answer to how much better I could have done?  A lot.  I would have been a better person on the whole, and dealt better with my relationships in both a very real understanding of how to actually be IN them and deal with the things happening in them, to knowing when to say stop in a rational, positive manner, to realizing familial relationships are relationships and should be terminated if they aren't healthy way before things got as damaging as they are. 
    The past can't change, but maybe we can make the future change, and leave a better, more open, and more realistic expectation of marriages for those coming up behind us and less emotional trauma (and murder!  Discovery channel certainly taught me how often marriage leads to murder) for them. And more equality and less alienation because that persons marriage doesn't look like mine. 
  16. Briannah

    Progress I guess.

    By Briannah,

    ​It's done.  By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed.  It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever.  I'm not surprised, I have learned I really  hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted.  So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks.  There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want the house enough to pay us.  Meh.  
     
    I will give it this, MUCH easier paperwork wise to sell a house than buy one.    I asked ​the realtor what paperwork we needed to gather to bring to closing, and apparently nothing.  Title agency does all that for us, we just have to show up, sign our name six times (as apposed to what felt like six hundred at closing to buy) and we're done.  No 80 millions trips all over town trying to gather things and turn them into the bank.  Of course, then we have to go through the buying process again.  Yay.
  17. Briannah

    21st anniversary

    By Briannah,

    Thank you to everyone on the forum who helped me sort out my feelings, learn, and work things out.  Yesterday we celebrated our 21st anniversary, and I can say we've really rebuilt this marriage and it's going strong.   And managed to get home from dinner through Ohio's surprise ice storm.  Outback Steakhouse is nice food(lobe their chicken tortilla soup) but not worth dying over! 
  18. Briannah
    So things are starting to happen faster now.  We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house.  (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16).  And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it.  Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really.  Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house.  Old house is nearly empty, just a bit more to pull out and then it's painting time.  We're still waffling on whether or not to fix the damaged laminate.  New car is working out great, old main car is doing great, old secondary car is going to the scrapyard, the costs to fix the brake issue and make it sellable are higher than we could sell it for.  Bummer, some extra money would have been nice.  
    It's kinda weird being here again.  I lived here with Grandma, my mom, and my son when I met Nikki.  I had the downstairs basement finished room, although ever since the big flood it's impractical to use as a bedroom anymore.  Which is a same, as it's HUGE and was lovely with lots of space.  Only ever had to come upstairs to use the bathroom.  I was the hermit Bree in the basement!   
    Nikki's girl mode items are all packed away with a decoy tag, he's still very much closeted as far as our families go.  Since he realized transition is not a path for him, dealing with our awkward families is a door he doesn't want to go through.  As in most things (other than anything food related, do NOT EVER trust Nikki's judgement with food, trust me) I trust his judgement and respect his choices.  And he pointed out I won't be at risk for giving myself a black eye again slapping myself with the breast form.  (Didn't quiet get a black eye, but I did have a nice red mark from that oops.  Why do they put it in such clingy plastic?)  Nikki does have a nasty set of scratches across his back, so I've been teasing him he made a ghost angry that we're leaving.  It sounds more fun than I think the cat did it while we were sleeping.  
    I haven't had any really awful burning for a week, had one bad night last weekend, but it's been good since.  Nikki's physical health is solidly great, and his dysthymia has been very much under control.  He continues on his medication, but the improvements in our life have done wonders also.  Once his job is less demanding (they're in the middle of some big changes that take a lot of hours from him) he's going to see about finding a new therapist in our target town and he can just go after work and then come home until we move.  He has to start over anyway since his passed and then we went on insurance hiatus.  He'd rather do it just once instead of twice. 
    It's sorta amazing how far we've come since last years confusion and upheaval.   ​I'm proud of us.  Now I have to go continue trying to convince my elderly cat that moving was a good thing and that he should eat some of his food.  Dog is loving the adventure of a new house (wish she would stop running full speed into doors though, she's traumatizing ME with her poor banged head) lizard doesn't care.  Our lizard is too cool to care. 
     
  19. Briannah

    Let's talk breats forms.

    By Briannah,

    So the new full prosthetic breast forms Nikki and I picked out arrived.  Visually, they're perfect.  But I think I just got hit in the face with expectation vs. reality.  I was expecting totally different tactile feel.  Think...um....silicone real feel marital aids.  The plastic on the outer edges weirds me out.  Both in the one he got me to wear so I actually fit properly into a bra and his.  I'll adjust, but really, what is with the creepy plastic?  Wouldn't people, both those who don't have their own or those who lost them, want something that feels more ... real?  I'm not repulsed, I'm not having any sort of backslide or backing away.  This is purely a I think everyone deserves better boobs feeling I guess.  And I am worried again that the plastic outer coating will trigger the excema on mine.  I think I will have to acquire a square of silk or something to wrap it in.  
    But Nikki is wandering around the house, and I encouraged him to dress up fully and enjoy it.  So I think he's at least fully happy with them, and with me, and for that internet, bring on all the plastic you want.  I can face it! 
    *whispers* But if anyone knows a place to get nice touchable ones since I know he wants me to when his weight drops more (he's been working really hard at it) do please send a link my way.
  20. Briannah

    The germs have invaded

    By Briannah,

    Awake stupidly early.  Spent much of yesterday sleeping or cuddled up in the blankets next to Nikki who was watching movies after the meltdown.  So we're both on this new supposedly low dose blood pressure medication since we're minority's but consistently above the normal range.  And my camel status has been officially revoked to a degree that is crazy.  So between waking up at four am again or explode all that sleep and I feel really bad is not letting me get back to sleep.  And my voice is going under.  Which will make my job fun because I answer the phones.   Bree has a weird voice to begin with.  Add the dead frog effect and even Nikki has to really sort out what I'm saying.  
    Nikki working with me on what can be a marriage breaking issue that I didn't realize I was even carrying around has relieved so much internal unhappy.  It's funny how little we really know ourselves sometimes until the right thing makes us see.  
    Froggy Bree is done rambling weirdly now and signing off.  
  21. Briannah

    Nikki did it

    By Briannah,

    He took our conversation seriously and rallied round when the guild teasing turned to me.  I'm so sick I just wanna hide and he was all nope we're leaving Bree alone tonight she'll play with you guys next week.  It was a great practice start.  Love my Nikki.  Wanna collPse quietly in a corner.  Germs you win.  I surrender.  
  22. Briannah
    So the more I read, the more I see a LOT of splintering and unkindness between the different groups under the big group umbrella.  It makes me sad.  All the groups under this umbrella are small population wise, logic dictates to me that banding together would be the way to go.  Rights for everyone, equality for everyone!  But instead there seems to be conflict everywhere.  Large groups of gay and lesbian hating each other, large groups of both of them hating trans people, a lot of transgender people looking down on crossdressers who are only cd, the asexuals feel like everyone hates them, everyone wanting to erase the bisexuals and force them into a choice, and other conflicts I don't even know about.  
    I think it really surprises me in particular with this umbrella because they all share the common theme of we deserve acceptance and normalcy.  With that mindset, why on earth would people deny others the same thing?  I know it happens.  I see it in my reading, I've seen it in the male-female social power dynamic.  There are a lot of feminists who do cross the line into Feminazi territory, who can't tell the difference between wanting to be equal and wanting to replace men as the group in power. 
    Why doesn't the struggle to make the world a place that just accepts people unite us?  If it can't, does that mean something?  Does it mean our species in it's development of intellect and social behaviors isn't ready to give up the division of groups and the need to feel our group is right other groups are wrong?  Are we just not developed enough in brain power to overcome that self-interest only on a mass scale?  How much do we as a species NEED the external validation of others? 
    And if we can't even do this on a smaller scale of people with alternative to the binary 'norms' (Male-female, gay-strait, mono-poly, etc.) then how can we ever hope as a species to overcome the cultural, racial, and religious divides and learn to exist peacefully and gracefully together if we can't even handle people making personal choices in their lives?  How far could mankind GO if we stopped trying to kill each other, control each other, and really learned to make peace between all the nations?  But we can't even manage it inside our individual nations. 
    Sometimes it feels to me like the ENTIRE PLANET just collectively decided to ignore the truth that we're all human beings on the same planet and should be working together.  And yes, I have fallen into that trap too.  Especially when feeling threatened.  It's an easy trap. 
    I wonder if Rodney King knew how really profound his "why can't we just get along" really was.
  23. Briannah
    So Nikki was explaining binaurial tones to me, especially in the therapeutic uses in various diseases such as Parkinsons and so on, and that they are often used for relaxation and sleep aids.  He's not really happy with my out there sleeping habits currently, and he's right, I'm needing the pills too often, and my brain is getting stuck in high gear.  So I've been trying them for while, following the instructions, trying to relax, just the tones, the tones with a hypnosis induction, I WANTED this to work dammit...and...they totally don't work for me.  I felt nothing, I wasn't sleepy, I wasn't any more relaxed than just trying to be, there was nothing.  No changes.  They do for him.  And when we were discussing it he mentioned it was kinda close to hypnosis, and I did some research because this was treading something else... Nikki never really knows how the dots connect in my head until the reaction erupts... and it is kinda a similar effect on the brain.  I'd actually been unable to be 'brain tricked' with some light party hypnosis games before...and now this failure of my brain to accept and enter the state...I'm having to come to terms that I might be one of those 3 in 10 people who can't be hypnotized, something about my brain won't do it. 
    It led to a surprise breakdown.  (for him, for me this was my first little steps into something I'd been thinking about for a decade) Nikki had no idea that was coming, and was really confused why I was crying because I can't be hypnotized.  But it was the death of a dream that was important to me.  I WANTED to go to hypnotherapy, not for my dismorphia or anything, but because the memories of my grandfather are fading.  Not the life lessons, and that is important, but the DETAILS of them.  I can still tell all the stories in great detail, but when I used to do that, I could smell the places, feel the sun or cold on my skin in my head, hear his voice, and that's all fading like an old photograph.  Which is normal.  But I had this wild hope that I could go to one of those hypnotherapists, and he could take me back to those days and refresh the DETAILS and FEELINGS behind the stories.  Telling them over nad over sort of fixed them in my head like menomics, but it's not holding onto the little details.  I don't remember what Assateague Island smells like anymore, although I spent two weeks on it every summer and those were the best weeks of my life.  I don't remember the colors anymore, or the sounds.  I would spend whatever money the therapist wanted for those memories back, to relive it even just for an hour in my head like I was there again.  No room at this particular inn for Bree.  I will probably go anyway, and I still sit in that chair and put my whole heart into following that voice and the instructions, but it will really hurt to fail.
    I didn't call attention to it to Nikki, but when we got robbed and they stole my video camera, they also stole the only tape in existence with my grandfathers voice on it.  And now I can't remember it.  Time steals things. 
     
  24. Briannah
    So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something.  Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier.  So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food.  Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams.  The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty.  Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's kitten kibble when he was tiny, and did she ever get fat on it until we got good at locking her in the bathroom while the poor kitten ate.  She was hard to catch back then.  I was kind of wondering all day if it was time to call the vet again, but I didn't want to say anything to Nikki in case my high-fat plan possibly worked.
    And as of right now, it's going well.  The cat is eating.  I repeat, the cat is eating.  She can't manage a whole can at once, so I suggested we offer her food three times a day to make sure she's getting plenty and fatten her back up to a normal cat weight again.  It's the best I can do for her right now, I wish I had more.  I don't want my cat to leave me.  I really really don't.  I know nothing is eternal, not even mountains, but I'm just not ready and need more time.  So does Nikki.  I'll spoon feed her if I have to.  Of course, she's a lazy cat, she may have figured out this is the way to get everything she wants, including spoon feeding.  Hard to tell, she's a smart one. 
    Bring on the next problem, I'll solve that one too. 
  25. Briannah
    SERIOUSLY I hate my job.  Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day.  This week was just stupid.  Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill.  If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts recievable, I actually can't tell you what is in stock, what the pricing is, or when a tech will be available, you will have to leave a voicemail to get help!" and get "I'm sure you can help me!" I"m going to hide under my desk and weep sadly.  Cuz you know, I have nothing better to do than lie to people about my super amazing telepathic knowledge of where the techs are hiding! 
    I did get a lot of work done this week though with less people dumping still more stuff on me, that was pleasant.  Looking forward to my one day a week off with Nikki tomorrow.  I need down time. 
    I watched Hateful Eight with him yesterday, I admit I was curious to see it, the trailer looked like it was going to be somewhat funny.  However, I went in assuming Tarantino would fail to entertain me, and I was right.  I recognize the mans movie making skills, he does amazing shots and really good technicals, but his stories just fail to engage me.  Nikki loves them, he really really loves Tarantino so getting me to agree to sit down and watch with him (mostly because I really love Kurt Russell despite the really scary mustache) was fun for him.  Tomorrow we have Vin Diesel's Last Witch Hunter (Vin Diesel rarely fails to entertain me, I love that voice) and Insurgent that I picked out, and Ant Man that Nikki wanted to see.  I expect very little of Ant Man, no pun intended.  LOL  I was really surprised I liked Divergent as much as I do. 
    So life is settling down, and Nikki told me to switch my main focus from researching our future with his dressing needs since we've worked out a pretty good system that makes everyone happy, and to start researching depression.  X_X  Okay, so...it's been years since I dealt with it really, surely there has been a lot of progress and new understandings and stuff...and....nope.  So far not coming up with anything I don't already know.  Every article I read on the science of it to the supporting your spouse who suffers from it is pretty much what i already know and do.  I'm sorta disappointed.  I was hoping to find new things I could do to help I guess.  The CD stuff was easier, I could buy him things, come up with new girl/girl role play scenarios, shop with him, watching makeup and other tutorials, get involved.  Depression doesn't really let that happen.  Sure, I'm engaged with him in everything else, but this one there's not so much I can do and he's going to have to fight through it internally.  Meh. 
    It's surprising how much difference not going on a cruise this year made.  We hadn't realized how much the destress of a week of no worries other than what do we feel like doing/seeing/eating right now helps after the long overtime season and cold winter cabin fever months.  We're going on once next year that is going to be a challenge and a half on it's own, Nikki's family is going with us!  At least his dad and stepmom are.  His dad's great, but his stepmom can be...strange.  Like she gets really weird about odd things.  A good example was it was someone's birthday, and they went to a seafood house because the birthday person loves seafood.  Nikki hates it, he ordered the steak.  And she freaked out that he didn't choose some sort of seafood at the restaurant.  And they constantly have to have us doing something, they spend so much money.  I tried to talk to them about it, Nikki would like some time to just hang out and talk to his dad without being involved in some over the top activity, and she was very firm about how ungrateful I was being.  Ri-ight.  I gave up.   So I anticipate some real challenges regarding shore excursions and meals on this trip.  One thing Nikki and I agree on firmly is that the ONLY person who will be sharing a cabin with us if he's able to go is my son.  We are not taking on any of the couples in the family if anyone gets bright ideas.  Nikki would probably deal with it better than I would since it's a family norm for him, but I would go nuclear without a retreat space.  I didn't even want to share a cabin with my own mom.  It's not a space thing, I'd have no problems in a four person room with Nikki and two of a list of my friends.  Purely a personality issue. 
    When we went on the whole family trip with my family, I learned 'how bad can it be, it's a cruise ship!' in the middle of the week when I went absolutely volcanic on my aunt after she was stupid about something to Nikki.  I was in the  middle of paradise screaming my fool head off.  LOL  My aunt was stunned, my mom was trying to be invisible, and my grandma tried to control the situation until I turned on her and started screaming still at full volume and she realized I Was Done and retreated to the bathroom to wait for me to leave.  My other aunt came into the cabin and tried to get involved and her husband yanked her out saying "I have no idea what Jan did, but that girl is ready to eat you for lunch too, let's go dear".  LOL  Then I stormed out and went back to my cabin and my mom called about 20 minutes later and asked Very Cautiously "Am I allowed to come hang out with you guys or not?"  LOL  She came down and found out what actually happened and was all "oh..."   Aunt who had been bitchy was Nikki's best freind for the rest of the damn cruise.  LOL  Nikki has had a shouting match with her in the past too...she means well, but she's one of those people who thinks her way is right for everyone and has no shyness about trying to force it on people for their good.  Nikki's family has even more people like that...so I foresee needing an escape haven.    The worst part is it was my bright idea to invite them.  Ya'll can believe i"m going to try to budget hard and see if we can't afford two cruises that year (it can be done with a really good sale.  And we drive down to the ship instead of flying, so that decreases the cost by $500 to $1000).  One year with a really good sale we literally spent $1992 total.  That included the crusie tickets, tips, soda cards, hotels, gas, parking, food on the trip, spending, and shore excursions.  I kept track becuase I was curious how small I could make a week in the Caribbean.
     
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