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Briannah

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  1. Briannah

    Rough week.

    By Briannah,

    So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko.  The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl.  The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went.  Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse.  Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here. 
    Talked with Nikki about my stresses about going back to housewife, and he calmed my freakout that he secretly hated me and the lifestyle changes we have to make to support it.  A lot of them will actually be supportive of getting healthier in general, so he's perfectly happy with it and having access to me at all times he's not at work.  I believe he's lookiing forward to having full weekends with me again instead of just one day a week where he has to get up early the next day so sleeps part of it away. 
    I'm getting excited as the appointment for the antidepressants gets closer.  I have no firm expectations, but there is a hope that my happy bouncy Nikki will come back a little bit.  Depression can be contagious, and I'm working hard to keep my own self internally healthy so that we don't have two big Depression issues going on at the same time. 
    Things between us are almost back to where they used to be.  I have adjusted to the changes in our life, and the only thing standing in the way now is his depression.  Oh, the corset is on the chair.  I think I'm about to be squeezed into his corset, he wants to see what it dose for my hernia if it's better support for the hernia than the girdles.  Obviously if it is good and works, I will pretty much only be doing that when he's going to be home to both get me in and get me out.  I am aware that people DO manage to get into and out of these things alone, however, I also know I am inherently clumsy with hand-brain issues and I can't even tie a simple bow behind my back for my jumper dress, let alone pull and tie a corset on. 
    Relief, no, my turn in that thing is soon but not today, as I already expressed some abdominal irritation to him.  It's going on him.  Isn't that silly that I'm scared of corsets?  I think I still have a Victorian crazy image in my subconscious that I'll be laced in so tight I can't breath, and I know rationally Nikki would never do that, but rooting out subconscious stuff isn't a simple thing.  I might have agreed to let him order me a decorative one for intimate use like an idiot, but he tries to make all my wishes happen, so I can wear one for that without fainting for him.  I'm not entirely convinced the second surgery, when I decide it's a good time to have, is going to completely fix my issue so supportive garments are probably going to be a lifelong choice.
    Excuse me, I have to go assure my dog the mailman STILL is not here to murder us all and she can stop barking now please. 
    Wouldn't I be surprised if he ever did?
  2. Briannah
    Between you've drank the Kool-Aid, joined the paranoid tinfoil hat brigade, or are having a reasonable response to something? How do you REALLY know? 
    Because I might be over that line.  *closes prepper information websites*  Or the line is over me, and I'm just starting to realize things can slide really quickly.  I don't know.
  3. Briannah
    Took Nikki's favorite cat to the vet, her purr has gone weird and she lost a lotta weight, we thought she had a respiratory infection or something.  Unfortunately, it's looking like something and not an infection.  They are sending her xrays and labs out, but the prevailing thought right now is that our kitty girl has lung cancer.    So not happy right now, and desperately hoping for a hail mary your local vet was wrong, it's nothing.  I know she's 14, but I'm just not ready.
  4. Briannah

    Still being me. :)

    By Briannah,

    So between the cats and a very clumsy Bree trying to get the house ready for the holidays, I look like I tried to go ten rounds with a thorn hedge and a few with a hammer, but I'm making progress with everything.  A little triple antibiotic ointment does wonders for cat scratches by the way.  Ocean swimming does better, but I live a couple states away from that option now.  Oh, the days when I was only an hour away and could go all the time and soak up that wonderful water.  I don't know why it works, it just does.  

    I swallowed down the lies the dismorphia whispers, and ordered non-stretchy pants in a 30 waist instead of the usual 34, just to see, and they fit.  I did lost more weight, and my pants are not in fact falling off my body becuase they stretched out, but because I stretched in.  Of course, my brain doesn't want to deal with it.  But you can't argue jean shorts sizes.  So then I had Nikki shop for me and got a few more dresses for the boat in the actual right size for me.  And I'm creeping up on my first goal, woman's size 24.  I started at 38, am slowly getting places.
    I managed to organize with Nikki's dad and stepmom for an upcoming group vacation, that was fun.  The more people involved in anything the crazier it gets.  But we'll all be somewhere warm and nice on a boat for Nikki's fortieth.   
    The house is actually starting to get organized, and I have unloaded tons of junk that I don't have to deal with to keep it clean.   Developing new habits to overcome that rough upbringing I whine about. LOL   Some success.  Have learned to make some tasty new things, Nikki is pleased with my efforts on the culinary front definitely.  The living room is ready for the tree to come up tomorrow.   The front house is all done up in lights, a little guady, but hey, I live in a town that has SEVERAL impressively gaudy  houses so mine looks underdone.  Seriously, there are a couple so full of stuff you can't even see the grass under it all.  It's crazy. 
    Counting the days til staycation for my birthday and our anniversary (18th), which coincidentally begins right after Nikki's overtime season ends.  Yay!  For four weeks it's basically been work, eat, sleep, and occasionally manage to notice I'm in the house and say hi.  LOL Worked four weeks strait without a day off, poor thing is exhausted.  I'm impressed that he remembers my name at this point!
    Hugs to everyone, I hope you all have a glorious holiday whatever you celebrate, even if it's just the celebration of a free day off, and hope everyone has great fun and stays warm if you're not lucky enough to live in the warmer places. 
     
  5. Briannah
    So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something.  Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier.  So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food.  Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams.  The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty.  Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's kitten kibble when he was tiny, and did she ever get fat on it until we got good at locking her in the bathroom while the poor kitten ate.  She was hard to catch back then.  I was kind of wondering all day if it was time to call the vet again, but I didn't want to say anything to Nikki in case my high-fat plan possibly worked.
    And as of right now, it's going well.  The cat is eating.  I repeat, the cat is eating.  She can't manage a whole can at once, so I suggested we offer her food three times a day to make sure she's getting plenty and fatten her back up to a normal cat weight again.  It's the best I can do for her right now, I wish I had more.  I don't want my cat to leave me.  I really really don't.  I know nothing is eternal, not even mountains, but I'm just not ready and need more time.  So does Nikki.  I'll spoon feed her if I have to.  Of course, she's a lazy cat, she may have figured out this is the way to get everything she wants, including spoon feeding.  Hard to tell, she's a smart one. 
    Bring on the next problem, I'll solve that one too. 
  6. Briannah
    So usually my add and natural personality has us living very by ear.  Planning is SO not my thing, and it has been an herculean effort to start developing that skill.   But the staycation and vacations after peak season are important to Nikki, downtime after that crazy work schedule, so I'm trying to be more organized about it to further reduce the stress on Nikki. Easier said than done, but I'm definitely making headway. 
    I have a menu list for staycation, no more arguments about what to eat.  We have this weird dynamic there, where Nikki apparently believes I won't eat ANY food so he's not going to choose anything and that responsibility is fully upon me (complete with complaining when I do pick) and I have an inherent emotional pushback against "whatever you want" that stems from a sense that relationships should be about both, and I emotionally hear "whatever you want" as "I don't really care, pick something and shut up so I can go back to forgetting about you for a while".  I've tried communicating this to Nikki, but no change in our patterns from that side yet, so I'm trying harder on mine to be different.  Avoid the entire context then and pretend it doesn't happen I suppose.
    As for vacation, I have already done the budget, booked the cruise, booked the excursions, booked the hotels (except hotel B, I want his input on it since there are options half the price of our preferred hotel brand in the area and it is just one night) on a planned we are driving from home to destination a day one, and destination a hotel to hotel b that is right by the marina day 2, and then from 2 to the parking which I have already prebooked.  And booked the hotel we always use on the way home.  Two stays on the way there because we arrive in Florida at night, one becuase it's fine to arrive home at night.    So this will remove the everyone is tired, cranky, and really wants out of the car fighting over finding a place to stay that usually occurs trying to find an open reasonably priced room Florida.  Nikki often doesn't want to prebook everything because he likes the flexibility of driving and stopping at will, but it's really not working out so well.  We're going to try organized.   And under budget.  Black Friday got us a good deal on the room, so did prebooking the hotels, and the parking area we use always includes on free day if you pay in advance instead of at the lot(and I signed up for their parking rewards card, every 10 days you earn a free one, and the credits supposedly never expire).  And then I put all the paperwork into one of the old travel clutches they used to give you when you went on cruises (now everyone is just supposed to print their documents, I know it's cheaper and all, but I really miss the little thrill of getting that clutch in the mail with the formal tickets, luggage tags, and welcome aboard brochures to leaf through!).  Fortunatly I had saved one, it's a great way to keep the pass ports, all travel papers, and such all in one place and make it easier on the trip. 
    I've even improved my packing skills.  We pack a small seperate duffel bag entirely for the hotels so we don't have to mess with the big luggage.  Just grab our litle hotel bag and carry on for the ship (becuase this usually has our electronics and toothbrushes), quick and easy.  We started doing that last two cruises, and it worked wonderfully.
    So I'm apparently teaching my brain the value of organization little by little.  The big successful vacation improvement emotional behavior reward is starting to spill over into other things, planning meals and shopping off a list instead of just getting food in general I"m familiar with and trying to wing it. 
    There is some internal emotional blowback of course, I can't quite overcome the resentment of all the time it takes to plan everything out.  I know rationally that I'm actually saving time, and stress, but emotions don't come from rational thinking.  If they did, this would be a much easier place to live in.  But it's easier to deal with those resentful feelings knowing that I'm getting something out of the work.
    And the lesson I learned today, if it's this hard to push myself to improving my behavior and actions on a thing that isn't hugely emotionally invested, I need to have more patience with the world no matter how much I hate bullying and segregation and oppression, because how much harder is it to change the feelings that create that.
  7. Briannah
    I had a REALLY uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine today who was worried that a third friend had offended me with a sort of inappropriate outburst of hate against Clinton in the middle of game raid night.  And I admitted it had made me really uncomfortable, but...not on the political front.  And then the conversation got way personal, and I realized that what scares me most isn't Trump himself and his crazy, dangerous things that he spouts. There is always that one person yelling crazy stuff.   Always. 
    What really is stirring up the things inside is...the things normal people are saying all over comment sections in places I go and conversations.  There is a video with trump saying how great it is to be a star from 2005, because you can just walk up to women and 'kiss them or grab them by their *vulgar word for crotch here*').  He admitted to sexual assault.  And a large group of predatory type personalities are ranting at ME (abuse survivor, thanks) that I'M not understanding that it's not wrong.  That I'm the stupid one because saying he enjoys just walking up to women he likes and doing those things isn't rape, so it's okay.  WTH???????????  So if this man makes it into the presidency, what does the day to day world look for vulnerable people?  The president says it's okay to kiss and grab the crotch of someone you like, so shut up and take it if I want to target you?  I"m not even pretty or have a nice body and I've still had to deal with unwanted advances and sexual attentions and the rage that I had to nerve to say stop I don't want this and wasn't grateful that they wanted to use me.  What would the world look like for the really pretty woman that lots of men want to just grab and grope?  How much worse is it for them on a daily basis would it be with this sort of condonement in authority? 
    I can rationally connect to how immigrants of all minorities have to be feeling, but I can't emotionally say I know because I haven't lived that life. But if they feel as scared as I am, that is a lot of people.  Women are half the population by ourselfs.  Let's say minority men are another 20% to be conservative.  That makes 70% of the population it's suddenly open season on? 
    Politics used to be about laws and where the line was between individual freedom and group wants/needs.  But this time it feels more like it's about what is going to happen in the streets.  Or is already out there but was hidden, and now is under a shiny huge spotlight.  It's like everyone is just losing their minds about basic human rights all around me.  People used to laugh at me when I said I try to treat everyone well, because you can't divide people up and say it's okay to be good to one group and bad to the other, eventually like that no one is safe.  They said I didn't understand.  But look what is happening.  None of this is really about Trump or Clinton, the fights between people on the net are about basic decency and horror.  And it's really scary.
    Why is my culture so inherently unable to understand that human beings are all human beings?  You can not like whoever you want, but no one has the right to harm others.  And using figureheads to justify committing horrors doesn't really justify anything, we still know a horror was committed.  It's like russian roullette in America of who should feel unsafe today. 
  8. Briannah
    We'd finally gotten settled with a good doctor, who knows about Nikki's issues and has been great with both his and mine, and the main office is closing our town's location.  ARGH!  Finding the right doctor and getting a comfortable relationship going is HARD.  *headdesk* 
  9. Briannah
    It's like my entire life blew up all at once.  I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others.  But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once.  I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now.  Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, but it really is a HUGE mix of my whole world.  All at once. 
    1) We had committed too and started making financial changes in our life, and day to day living.  And need to continue altering lifelong poor habits to improve, that's really  not easy.
    2) Still trying to establish healthy boundaries with my crazy dad and step-mom and failing utterly because they are insisting boundaries between parents and adult children are unrealistic and they feel they have teh right to treat me like crap.  So they get cut out, start acting like normal people, contact is re-established, and the cycle continues.  I could just refuse, but there is part of me that wants a family of some kind in that direction, not just generation forward.  I'm dumb.
    3) Restructuring my marriage, from communication, trust, sex, issues, roles, and who needs what as well as how to acquire the material things required given point 1.
    4) Trying to actually conquer the body dismorphia.  That's so much fun.
    5) Major upheavels in my social circle to navigate.
    6) My sick cat.
    7) Crazy mom and all her issues.
    8) the super and ongoing flu.
    9) The hernia issues and trying to balance excercise and weight loss with not incarcerating again and needing immediate surgery. See points one and four for the major reasons I don't get that fixed now. 
    10) Attention defecit disorder and asthma.  Always random stress induction.
    11) All the self questioning realizing how very out of touch I had been with my own reality.  Granted i wasn't given the data for a lot of it, but at the same time, however irrational, is a feeling of how could I not see? 
    That's a big list.
     
  10. Briannah
    Nikki made a comment while I was plague moaning(I'm really whiny when I'm sick, I confess), that he'd been planning to spend all day until the gaming event tonight in girl mode, but me being sick required boy mode and I'd ruined his plans (In a joking manner, I don't think there was any resentment).  My response, after he figured out the words because my voice is cracked up, was "Does girl mode preclude me getting fed and taken care of?"  HIm: No... Me: Then what do I care?  Just gimme something to eat and some cough drops and do whatever the hell you want to.  As long as that involved making sure my blankets are cuddly and I'm not dead, I'm good. 
    Kitten, Dinosaur, it's the same really.  The only part where I'd need boy mode is if the cough drops run out and a store run is required.  I'm so not up to driving.  I've walked into dang wall three times trying to get to the bathroom.  It's literally a 10 foot walk.  *hangs head*  But the supply looks good. 
     
     
  11. Briannah

    There be hope here!

    By Briannah,

    So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week.  So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday).
    We've had three.  No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less.  But I really want it to sell asap.  But that's good news, people are taking the time to go look at it, not just looking at it online.
    I really need this to go smoothly and fast, I need to move outta here and get back in my own space.  With my things.  Girl time for Nikki, he can't exactly do that here.  Alone time for me.  Logic and reason ruling the house again.  And my poor cat is frazzled, she's always trying to pet him.  She's a cat person.  But my cat is a one human cat, he only really wants to interact with me.  He'll tolerate Nikki's attentions, but he only really wants attention from Nikki he's angry and punishing me, he's always been like that since a kitten.  Didnt' want my son, Nikki, or even his sister to mess with him, only me.  So he's really not happy right now.  Poor little guy.
    Lizard, as ever, is chill and doesnt' care what is going on as long as she gets her food and heat.  Dog ​is happy that she's literally never alone right now.  Nikki's dealing better than me, but he gets more time outta the house, although I do have a part time job now for either a month or indefinitely, I'm so confused and different people keep telling me different things.  I'm sorta worried it's gonna last eleven years, since the last time I accepted a brief temp job through nepotism it did just that.  I actually temped for Nikki, and did so well at it that other people in the office asked me to come in for them, which lead to three days a week starting this week.  I sorta hope it's just the month, so that i can re-earn my savings to pay movers (the rains came, flooded, and broke the furnace and it ate up my movers fund).  If it's longer, I'll take it of course and do my best, to reflect well on Nikki, but dang I liked my happy vagrant housewife life. LOL
  12. Briannah
    I was talking with Nikki about something today, and he called this his problem.  I didn't like that.  This isn't our problem, this is our lifestyle.  The dog constantly dumpster and litter box diving, cats peeing anywhere they please, those are problems.  Nikki enjoying dressing en femme and needing his body hair as gone as we can make it?  Lifestyle.  Because language does dictate thought.  Ideas form from words, and the choice of words colors the thought.  And the only problem my husband has inside himself is depression and anxiety fits, those do need to be and can be solved with time and therapy.  My understanding of crossdressing is simple, it's not a disease or the disorder, it's a complicated set of emotional and possibly physical needs that require meeting, and will always require this.  Just like my needs.  So problem is an ugly word for this.  I like lifestyle. 
    And I have spent a lot of time self-examining, trying to figure out all the roadblocks that we will have to face if his needs change in the future because I want to be prepared, even if it never happens.  And realizing I'm not really inclined to join other women in bed anymore made me stop and try to figure out, well, what the hell happened? 
    And I realized with the maturity and healthier mindset I have on life and myself what happened.  While I do have the ability to enjoy physical sex with partners of either gender, I never really got into a healthy commitment relationship with any of the women.  And I had always identified a strong preference for men, but now that i"m examining it all I wondered what was going on with the women.  WHY did I act on it?  And why do I really not want to now?  The answer lies in my complicated feelings for men after my abusive marriage.  I had stopped trusting them, and I didn't like to be alone.  And when the first female hit on me, and I physically responded, I thought why not?  I don't like being alone, and here I can defend myself.  And I set out to explore this new aspect of myself, but I didn't look into it too deeply.  So now after a long, healthy marriage with Nikki, I realize had it not been for a deep fear of men warping my choices, I probably would NOT have acted on it.  And the actions I took probably weren't healthy for me or my partners, but we learn from living.  I'm not embarrassed to have explored with them with them or by their place in my past, but I am embarrassed that i didn't really give them myself like I should have as a partner.  It wasn't fair, but I was too messed up to know then.  I'm sorry for anyone's feeling that I injured in my inability to love them back.  The men after I started opening that door again too.  Nikki met me at a time where I was starting to overcome my issues, and was able to actually love someone back with the baby steps he was willing to put up with from me while I relearned my way in relationships. 
    Well, at least I don't have a lot of 'what if's' about my sex life.  I tried things.  LOL
  13. Briannah
    A few glorious days of spring, then back to the 30's.  Like look what you COULD have Bree, but I'm not going to let you.  I'm going to make you be physically cold and stew while you're working through your latest emotional pissed offness.  Yesterday we were talking about our sex life in the car, and Nikki told me flat out he had been sexually bored for years, and he loves now that we're doing all sorts of new things. 
    And it didn't percolate right away.  I didn't like hearing that, was minorly annoyed because I worked hard on trying to make our sex life good.  Alone.  Yes, alone.  The responsibility for it has always been in my hands.  I could barely even get him to tell me what he liked that we were doing.  And then it was just a casual humor her "yeah, that feels okay".  But then in a few hours, the thought really percolated and I got royally pissed off.  All the years I'd been TRYING to get him to tell me what HIS fantasies were, what things HE wanted to try (most of the things he's loving know I was only peripherally aware of at best, not withholding), the trips to the creepy adult store that he got weird and didn't look at anything at all after telling me a few times he wanted to go, and trying to get HIM ACTIVE in the whole sex life and telling him that <b>I</b> was bored with it because it was always on my shoulders and I had run out of new things to want to try after 10 years... and now he's admitting he was bored and didn't bother telling me and that's one part of why he was checked out for the last several years in that area of our marriage....
    Just wow.  So have calmed down, and he was graceful when he realized the anger had finally set in.  He knew that was coming, and strait up told me he deserved it, keeping so many secrets that affect us both so deeply.  I think if he'd just shrugged it off and not admitted fault or put it on my inability to come up with enough sex ideas for 17 years by myself I would have lost it.  I swear the secrets in all of this have been the worst part, the most destructive parts.  I am having trouble with the dichotomy of knowing how much he loves me(I think), and my innate questioning of how someone who love me can hide that much from me that affects me so directly and deeply.   It's not an anger issue, it's really a questioning issue.  Did he really love me then, vs. now that he's all in?  Is he only falling in love with me now?  And that's why he's opening up?  What WAS the last 17 years? 
    He asked me how I would have handled it if he'd told me honestly when I asked after the first few weeks of dating.  I'd cleaned his room (I was scared the mountain of boxes was going to fall on me in the night, it wasn't a little sloppy, it was scary) and found one of those DIY catalogs with all the creams and pills that promise you boobs.  He claimed it was junk mail that he sorta thought of as a fetish, and I accepted it.  I have NO idea how I would have belt about it then.  I can't answer what my thoughts would have been.  I was just out of yet another failed relationship with a girl, and a guy just before her, and at that time hadn't yet realized how much I had been forcing my minor attraction to women to be the full blown deal so I could hide from men as needed, so I probably would have been okay with figuring it out.   I hope I would have had the sense to wait to marry until he'd figured out who he was and who he wanted to be though.  But looking back on the last 17 years, particularly the last five, I will never be able to condone keeping secrets this big if you decide to marry someone.  Be it your sexuality, gender, addiction, mental illness, personal baggage, whatever, marriage without disclosure is just wrong.  It may be done with the best of intentions, but it's an abuse of trust.  Can we fix that abuse?  Yeah, slowly.  But I have some hangups making it harder, I had trust issues to begin with and he swore so hard and did so much to prove that I could trust him, that I slowly overcame them, only to end up here at the wrong end of secrets and the fallout there of.  So it's going to take time, and that's okay too. 
    I want summer to come, so I can stop thinking about all of this for a while.  I WANT a break from it, but my brain is like nope.  We have nothing else to do, let's figure out our feelings.  Stupid brain. 
  14. Briannah

    Progress I guess.

    By Briannah,

    ​It's done.  By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed.  It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever.  I'm not surprised, I have learned I really  hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted.  So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks.  There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want the house enough to pay us.  Meh.  
     
    I will give it this, MUCH easier paperwork wise to sell a house than buy one.    I asked ​the realtor what paperwork we needed to gather to bring to closing, and apparently nothing.  Title agency does all that for us, we just have to show up, sign our name six times (as apposed to what felt like six hundred at closing to buy) and we're done.  No 80 millions trips all over town trying to gather things and turn them into the bank.  Of course, then we have to go through the buying process again.  Yay.
  15. Briannah
    So I think summer has finally hit.  Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming.  But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. 
    We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well.  Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings.  If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees.  I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki.  Poor plants.  And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along.  I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted.
    The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle.  It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter).  I love those smells.  It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes.  At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants.  Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. 
    Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me.  Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there.   
    SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive. 
  16. Briannah
    So we went up to Toledo to do some shopping for xmas, much more selection up there than our town, and our favorite calzone place is on the way, so awesome lunch.  And while we're shopping, someone calls out to Nikki, and it took me a moment to place him, but it was our former roommate.  Sweet guy, and it was lovely to catch up.  I said he and his family should come down and I'll cook a dinner, and we could make the details on Facebook.  He said he thought I'd quit using it, it got dark on my wall.  To which I replied my Dad getting on Facebook made it really weird...and he looked at me and goes, "Yeah, I saw all that.  I couldn't believe he was backtalking everything you said and did, and wondered why you talked to him at all." 
    It was...a wonderful moment.  Someone not really all that vested in making me happy analyzing the interactions objectively, and telling me I'm not crazy.  After all the family gaslighting that I"M the problem (and even though you firmly try not to believe, it works it's way in when that is normalized since you are a child), it was really comforting that someone else was mindblown and not telling me that I have to forgive and accept my father because that's just the way he is.  Best Christmas Gift ever.  I had been all geared up to defend myself again...and just got patted on the head with a you did good sorta moment.
    And I only have a few groceries and one more person to buy for tomorrow and I'm done.  WOOT!
  17. Briannah
    As a couple: We're good.  Our marriage is strong, and we've been doing a lot of study on interpersonal skills as well as how brains, both the male and female, work in social relationships.  Some of our issues and misunderstandings cleared up from a really good Ted Talk about the role of hormones and physiological gender differences in the brain.  We're learning to communicate better than ever, and when and how to have deeper talks.  I'm super excited that Nikki landed a really good job the day after a different company made a really insulting payscale offer(literally a little less than standard entry pay for his field, but they wanted all his skills and experience to even apply, and wouldn't disclose pay til way late, they knew it was bad).  That was messy.  Current corporation Nikki works at for six more days is launching a massive reorganization of his department in a few weeks and STILL have not told anyone if they have jobs, where they have jobs, and what changes they can expect in their pay scales (if they get shunted to other departments, there can be significant reduction in pay).  It's stupid and just another reminder that corporations really don't care about their employees in any meaningful way.  And they're all surprised that Nikki is jumping ship.  But this has led to us finally choosing where we're going to live once this place goes, and we have been spending freetime jaunting around chosen town getting to know it (well, he is getting to know the layout, my internal navigation is confused but I'm getting to know my choices even if my phone will have to tell me how to get to them).  The town pool has two amazing looking waterslides that I plan to hit up next summer (hopefully my house won't sit on the market for years, crosses fingers) from time to time in addition to time in my own pool.  The park is huge, got horribly lost in it.  There is a house I'm eying, good price nice big house.  Here's hoping, but I'm not getting attached, it's just one option.  We culled my zillow list hard due to unsuitable backyards.  The stairs I've whinged about came out amazingly.  Epic pinterest success instead of a fail!  Now we're working on painting things.  Oh, the smell of paint.  *gags*  But having a direction and choices has been great for us both.  This summer is not really cooperating with my pool, it's either really cool, or really astounding hot and storming like mad, and neither of us are into death in pool by electrocution as a great way to spend an evening.  The storms are also making the yard crazy hard to maintain, so Nikki's been busy in our backyard jungle.   We're struggling with mad mosquito craziness after several years of very little, vampire bugs are eating us.
    Nikki: Nikki has found confidence and comfort in himself despite continuing attacks on his state of being on the internet (the there is only binary male/female and if you move back and forth you're a liar sort) so Nikki's backed away from most things like that online.  He's focusing on his art, new job, life changes, love of movies, and doing whatever he wants while working with his therapist to continue to control the depression and has found a lot of peace with everything.  Some days it's full boy, some days full girl, most days a mix, but very very rarely is it a bad depression day if at all in the last several months.  So he's healthy again, and that is what matters most.  He's super proud to have gotten new job, which is both a promotion in duty and pay, and has been doing amazing work in the house.  At this point his depression is well controlled and Nikki's been pretty happy.  
    Me: Still fighting losing internal battle with the dismorphia and my family issues getting poked on a regular basis, but have regained my footing in my day to day life and my marriage.  People sometimes seem to think of marriage as disposable in a very real way, and even if I don't go into full disclosure and just gloss it over with 'there were secrets and we're rebuilding' and let them think he cheated on me or whatever they read into that, they're all astounded that I want to fix things instead of bailing.  And I think that is a partial factor of our societal marriage rates, but I like that we worked it out and all the secrets have been aired out and worked through.  I did have a stupid where I agreed to too much change for my personality in too short a time frame ,but I am surviving this and the more direction there is to work towards the better I feel inside.  My asthma has improved dramatically, so we are more and more active, and I expect it will further improve in new town, since it's about 90 miles south of here and well outta swampland.  I'm super excited to go to a new place and just do new things with new people.  My internal life in my house is wonderful, so next step is obviously to make the life outta the house match. : ) 
    Edited to add:  I'm really looking forward to getting away from Christmas decoration, lawnmower, and grill stealing neighbors and their creepy behavior>  WOOHOO!
    That's where a lotta stress, communication, therapy, education, new friends, old friends, and sorting out the important from the fluff and fixing health issues has taken us.  It's been a ride, and I'm happy so many people here shared in it and helped make it a bit softer on those bumpy tracks.  *hugs to all*
  18. Briannah
    Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird.  I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a medicine cabinet full of things (antacids, gas pills, throat pain suckers since I dehydrate at a moment's whim of my body now, things like that, prescription medically our lifestyle changes are reducing that amount at least).  But we really should come with individualized manuals, this trial and error nonsense sucks. 
    The manual should include actual nutrition too.  Our culture has so obscured what healthy food is it's crazy.  And most people trying to eat well are unintentially eating unhealthy in a variety of ways because packaging and manufactures are allowed to lie and obscure a lot from us.  It's even worse in other countries, china has a crisis of a variety of fake food facing them.  Our crisis is fillers and additives.  One of the many things Trump defunded was an initiative to make manufacturers list how much sugar they ADD to the food.  *headdesk*  
    And, on a note of pure curiousity and interest, I want a manual that tells me how the parts actually work.  So I can look up any organ and see what it's doing, how it does it, interesting facts.  I know I have the internet, but one all collated and at hand would be fun.  I know, I have a weird sense of fun.  
    I'm off, I took a temp job to earn the money for movers, so we don't have to slog with a uhaul this move once house sells.
     
  19. Briannah
    So Nikki's back has been out for a while now, so I dragged him strait to the doctor Friday, based on the pain response from limb manipulation test, they think at this point it's an inflammation problem rather than an injury from all the physical labor we've been doing.  (I'm sore as anything too, but I still have full flexibility and only sore-pain not crazy pain like after the surgery I had or what he's feeling so I'm sure I'm just tired) and they gave us anti-inflammatory pills that are helping.  And new doctor reassured me a bit that maybe this relationship will work out because she addressed on her own that the pills and his antidepressents are contraindicated for each other, but he's not going to be on the new stuff long enough to run into trouble so not to worry without us having to ask or see the warnings.  These days a doctor who is paying attention to what medications you are taking and how they mix is great, so many have stopped. 
    We start driving Friday, and board the ship Sunday.  I'm so tired, stressed out, trying to figure out how to proceed forward in the best way, I need this vacation.  I had a weird breakdown over trying to pack.  Simply the act of deciding what clothing to take was the last raindrop that burst the dam, but there is so much going on right now internally and externally that I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  Like I told my friend recently, you feel what you feel, it doesn't go away even if you don't act on it, and you do have to deal with those feelings. So taking my own advice and trying to sort through it all.  A reminder that no matter how good you have it there are things that harm you.  I know I have a good life, I do, but still, there are ugly things trying to claw my eyes out.  And when people say "I wish my life was as simple as yours!" it's a trap you can start to fall into and forget that your life isn't really so simple.  I just keep a lot of internally irl, I don't talk about things nearly as much as I do here, and aside from coming to learn about transgender, I have also come to learn a great deal about the safe space concept and it's real world emotional applications here.  Good lesson.  So I try to make my home and interactions with others safe space. 
    So getting to know my paternal aunt a bit better, we've been talking on Facebook a lot, and at first she was trying to fix things between me and my dad, but as time goes on she's coming to understand what happened and that it can't be.  She just got back from a visit with him, and his 70-something pound german shepard just bit her, and instead of controlling the dog or correcting it, Dad just stood there laughing about it.  And when she was rightfully upset, he did the whole "Roscoe wants you to know he's a scared little being in a world he doesn't understand, and he can't help his feelings".  Really?  No one is challenging the dog, and as usual, Mr You have to take responsibility refused to take any for his responsibility to properly control and handle his pooch.  It's a beautiful dog, and I don't really want to see that poor thing put down because my dad is stupid about his dogs.  And then it became 'you're obviously an unhappy person, and we'll pray for you!" when she refused to just brush it off and left.  Which is really sad, because my Dad made so much fun of my poor grandma for saying things like that.   I didn't really want to be involved in that conversation, but she was worried I needed to know about the dog and the issue. I already knew, same thing happened when I was younger, to both her and me.  She'd forgotten about that, and it was her aha moment, that she really didn't understand the dynamic between dad and me was a lifetime of things, and calling my kid and me stupid was just the final thing that made me realize how unhealthy it is.  But hey, at least I sorta have a relationship with an aunt I didn't really have one with before, so that is potentially good. 
    I'll relax when we've achieved the goals I guess.  Even on vacation this stuff is inside, it goes with you.
  20. Briannah
    So things are starting to happen faster now.  We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house.  (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16).  And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it.  Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really.  Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house.  Old house is nearly empty, just a bit more to pull out and then it's painting time.  We're still waffling on whether or not to fix the damaged laminate.  New car is working out great, old main car is doing great, old secondary car is going to the scrapyard, the costs to fix the brake issue and make it sellable are higher than we could sell it for.  Bummer, some extra money would have been nice.  
    It's kinda weird being here again.  I lived here with Grandma, my mom, and my son when I met Nikki.  I had the downstairs basement finished room, although ever since the big flood it's impractical to use as a bedroom anymore.  Which is a same, as it's HUGE and was lovely with lots of space.  Only ever had to come upstairs to use the bathroom.  I was the hermit Bree in the basement!   
    Nikki's girl mode items are all packed away with a decoy tag, he's still very much closeted as far as our families go.  Since he realized transition is not a path for him, dealing with our awkward families is a door he doesn't want to go through.  As in most things (other than anything food related, do NOT EVER trust Nikki's judgement with food, trust me) I trust his judgement and respect his choices.  And he pointed out I won't be at risk for giving myself a black eye again slapping myself with the breast form.  (Didn't quiet get a black eye, but I did have a nice red mark from that oops.  Why do they put it in such clingy plastic?)  Nikki does have a nasty set of scratches across his back, so I've been teasing him he made a ghost angry that we're leaving.  It sounds more fun than I think the cat did it while we were sleeping.  
    I haven't had any really awful burning for a week, had one bad night last weekend, but it's been good since.  Nikki's physical health is solidly great, and his dysthymia has been very much under control.  He continues on his medication, but the improvements in our life have done wonders also.  Once his job is less demanding (they're in the middle of some big changes that take a lot of hours from him) he's going to see about finding a new therapist in our target town and he can just go after work and then come home until we move.  He has to start over anyway since his passed and then we went on insurance hiatus.  He'd rather do it just once instead of twice. 
    It's sorta amazing how far we've come since last years confusion and upheaval.   ​I'm proud of us.  Now I have to go continue trying to convince my elderly cat that moving was a good thing and that he should eat some of his food.  Dog is loving the adventure of a new house (wish she would stop running full speed into doors though, she's traumatizing ME with her poor banged head) lizard doesn't care.  Our lizard is too cool to care. 
     
  21. Briannah
    Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
  22. Briannah

    Let's talk breats forms.

    By Briannah,

    So the new full prosthetic breast forms Nikki and I picked out arrived.  Visually, they're perfect.  But I think I just got hit in the face with expectation vs. reality.  I was expecting totally different tactile feel.  Think...um....silicone real feel marital aids.  The plastic on the outer edges weirds me out.  Both in the one he got me to wear so I actually fit properly into a bra and his.  I'll adjust, but really, what is with the creepy plastic?  Wouldn't people, both those who don't have their own or those who lost them, want something that feels more ... real?  I'm not repulsed, I'm not having any sort of backslide or backing away.  This is purely a I think everyone deserves better boobs feeling I guess.  And I am worried again that the plastic outer coating will trigger the excema on mine.  I think I will have to acquire a square of silk or something to wrap it in.  
    But Nikki is wandering around the house, and I encouraged him to dress up fully and enjoy it.  So I think he's at least fully happy with them, and with me, and for that internet, bring on all the plastic you want.  I can face it! 
    *whispers* But if anyone knows a place to get nice touchable ones since I know he wants me to when his weight drops more (he's been working really hard at it) do please send a link my way.
  23. Briannah

    Autumn Sad

    By Briannah,

    Sometimes cliches exist for a reason, and as excited as I get when the pool goes up, as happy as I am in it all summer, I never really hit the full depth of how much that pool means to me as when I am facing the oncoming autumn and knowing it's about to go away for a long, cold winter.  So I'm frantically swimming as many days at the sky will let me, and trying to store away every moment of pool joy to mull over in my winter blankets. 
    And I'm reminded it's not just a pool.  It was a lifelong dream of mine to have my own, and a project that Nikki and I worked on together (and continuously work on making keeping it easier and better) to happen, but most of the work was from Nikki.  It was a great, big, huge gift to me because he loves me, and that probably makes giving it up each winter harder in my head than it needs to be for something that is just a cycle of the seasons, but I'm like that.  I"m looking at finding a way to haul a stupidly heavy table upstairs to the boy's old bedroom that has sorta been in flux since he moved out while we try to figure out what we want for the house to be the craft table (Nikki does models, we both sew a bit, I do origami, we finally decided we dont' have guests often enough to justify spending the money to create a guest room and we actually do want a craft room) instead of buying a cheap light one because that is the table I ate dinners, played games, made crafts, and just sat at and talked with my grandpa.  That and an old bookshelf he'd made in high school woodshop are what I have and remember him by.  Nikki never even hints at replacing it in the dining room even when he sees something he likes at the furniture store because he knows that table is NEVER LEAVING.  However, I am happy to put it upstairs, and it's even practical, because it's an old table I forget what ti's made of but highly heat resistant, Grandma didn't even have to put down trivets unless there was a table cloth, so it would be good for use with our glue gun and other heat-related projects. 
    I just sometimes need a tangible, real, touchable thing to go with my memories.  And sometimes that brain mechanism makes simple things like putting away a pool really, overdramatically sad.  At least I have Nikki and Halloween fun to bounce back with.  As I'm feeling stupidly resistant to my pool going I'm equally stupidly excited about Halloween.
    And then there is the practical habit we fell into this year, we talk in the pool.  After the swimming and the playing and the splashing comes the floating and talking about our problems, our worldviews, our thoughts, dreams, whatever.  And I realize consciously it' snot the pool, it's being in a place without distractions, so we've set up two weekly us times, one for fun and games and one for talking about everything, both of which are inviolate.  Because without that communication and connection, this marriage doesn't function well in a vacuum, and we both have a habit of being easily distracted.  Relationships are all about recognizing needs and weaknesses, and addressing them as much as they are about feelings.  I think we're getting massively better at this. 
    And I"m a huge fan of the antidepressant pills, probably because they got it right.  They didn't turn him into a zombie.  They didn't change him as a person.  They didn't make him magically happy.  What they did do, which I believe is the actually intended purpose, is fix the chemical balance in his brain so that he feels his actual emotions appropriately to what is going on around him.  He's happy when fun things are going on, he's sad when sad things are happening, he's angry when it's warrented, etc. etc.  Before he just didn't really feel...anything.  THose attitudes all over the internet STILL make me rage, you know the ones, "It's all in your head, pills are junk you just need to walk daily in the forest!".  While exercise is certainly part of it, and nature helps, neither is going to FIX HIS BRAIN.   Both of them have been incorporated into the Healthy Nikki Project, however, they couldn't fix what was wrong until the brains needs were addressed.  And I've got an endlessly simmering anger inside that he does feel ashamed of having dysthymia (a form of long term depression) and taking the pills.  NO ONE EVER should have to feel ashamed of a medical condition or the treatment for it (except maybe the cliche but actually true people who end up in emergency rooms because they lost 'things' in 'private areas', for the sake of all sanity the information how to be safe is all over the net!).  Making people ashamed doesn't help, it doesn't remove the problem from society, and it just makes it harder for people to recover or live happily (not everything can be recovered from).  Gah.
    Okay, I'm done free form thinking now, worked myself up into a rage on behalf of defenseless people.  LOL  WEll, at least it's not sad anymore, adn I think I"ll put on something bouncy like Insane Clown Posse (I know, I"m warped, but Halloween is in my brain) and do some housework or something productive. 
  24. Briannah

    Bad week.

    By Briannah,

    Having a crap week, and am going offline for a bit to sort it all out. 
    ​
    Last week I was feeling...odd.  Especially late at night.  Saturday night I felt really odd, and checked my fitbit, and had a crazy high pulse rate for laying down.  40 bpm above my usual resting rate doing nothing.  So after goofling symptoms off the er I want, were I spent the next five ours waiting to find out if I was having a heart attack, pneumonia, viral infection, acid reflux onset, or a mineral deficiency (and those can be extreme, scariest medical moment of my life as a mother was a magnesium deficiency from the stomach flu where my son literally could not control his body or move on his own, scary ride to hospital, then once the blood panel came back a magnesium iv set him back to normal like magic!).  So the winner is...acid reflux.  So now I take Prilosec generic stuff (and omg what is with the fizzy cough syrup tasting coating on these things?).  It must suck to be a doctor when five such varied causes all have the same symptoms really.  Doctor was lovely, and I'm okay now.  I'll still feel weird with the pulse rates for a bit, Prilosec stuff needs time to work. 
    Then today Murder Kitty was acting weird, and wrong.  So we took him to the vet, and came home alone.  My five year old murder kitty is gone, and I'm trying to process.  I always assumed this crazy cat would be there when Creed (15 and counting)  and Alita (10 years old this summer, pretty old lady dog) went, and just outta nowhere he's gone. MAYBE they could have saved him this time, but he could have re-experienced the issue right away and faced a lifetime of vet care (which he REALLY does not do well with, he lost his mind as usual so bad they had to sedate him fully to even examine him to find out what was wrong) and we can't turn his life into an endless battle royal of endless home and vet medical care he just won't tolerate.  So my Logan went to sleep.  And I miss my cat. 
    So everyone be well, I'm going to go sort through all the emotional turmoil of the week and focus on furthering my health and Nikki's mood, which is at an all time low after this week.  I'll be back after things are better.  *hugs for Emma and Monica on their new journeys!*
  25. Briannah
    I was just watching a video on YouTube posted by Phil DeFranco's wife (he's a funny youtuber with a take on the news I often enjoy and watch sometimes) and she is describing a break in that had happened to them, and talking about it made her cry.  After we had the break in, I couldn't talk about it without falling to pieces either, and I wasn't entirely sure why, as we were not injured and yes we lost a lot of things, but we were okay and it was over.  Watching someone else struggle with the same feelings in a similar situation is really reassuring on so many levels.  That my reaction was normal, I'm not overly weak, not overreacting, not alone in having to get through the experience. 
    It's weird to me how wired my brain really is sometimes to find that much comfort in knowing other people react the same way, when usually I think in terms of my emotions are my emotions and they're okay whatever they are.  Apparently I have a subconscious or suppressed desire for external validation I don't really think about or address until it comes to me, usually by blundering into it.  This happened five years ago, and there are lingerings feelings and behavioral changes from it.  Like Nikki has to be home or close by home after dark or I get really freaked out.  If he's going to be upstairs sleeping and I"m still awake down here the lights have to be on so I can see and usually netflix is playing on his computer for me so I don't hear every little creak of the house and obsess over what that sound was.  i get weirded out when the motion sensor light in the backyard is on, although honestly it's sensitivity is crazy high, and we have bats, squirrels and rabbits all over the yard setting it off. 
    Everyone told me that Ohio would be so much better than New Jersey, but the bad things happened to me here, and not back home.  Which just tells my brain no where is safe.  Which is true, and it's good to be aware of that, but at the same time, we all want to FEEL safe in our homes.  X_X.  The wind is blowing something outside and there is a thumping and it's creeping me out right now, even though it's broad daylight and there is no one outside.  I know, because I checked.  Four times.
    I guess some things you don't get over, not all the way. 
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