Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum

Briannah

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    835

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    125

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by Briannah

  1. Briannah

    Tired of winter.

    By Briannah,

    I'm tired of being cold.  I miss my pool.  I miss being able to just walk out the door and not worry about balancing what feels like a hundred pounds of clothing with my lungs cold-air reactions and Nikki freaking out that I"ll have an asthma attack.  I miss playing D&D outside in the backyard in our lovely screen tent (cuz wow the bugs in this area), sitting at night with Nikki at the backyard fire pit watching the flames and talking quietly about the life, the universe, and everything in the comfy zero g chairs, and the backyard barbecues.  I miss the smells of summer, and the colors. 
    I feel whiny tonight.  My life is going really well mostly, other than Yuriko.  Things are going really well with Nikki, we're slowly getting our house back under control from the chaos that ensued post surgery and long recovery period into the holidays and the flu epidemic, everyone is healthy again, Nikki starts therapy this week, I'm in talks with my doctor about getting a firmer handle on my own health, and we have awesome friends.  But I want all that and summer's heat too. 
    Bree was born for summer.  Here is the view from my backyard comfy chair on a lovely summer afternoon. 

  2. Briannah
    Super excited about the weather, and had a long talk with the girl who runs our summer retreat of friends, and she is fiercely pro-Nikki and told me (unsolicited, I was just answering her questions why I'd gone weird the last six months and then so busy I couldn't talk to anyone because I was in deep talks with Nikki about everything) "I'm completely comfortable with him bringing his femme clothes and anyone who isn't comfortable here can go the fuck home because this is our safe space".  I love her so much.  I relayed that to Nikki, and it was just so huge for him.  He was asleep during my catch up call, but they are going to try to catch each other during the week and talk, they are as deep friends as she and I are.  But she's a nightowl and we thanks to Nikki's job are stupidly early risers.  Him way more than me.  I fess up, I snore at him while he's getting up and ready for work, bad Bree. LOL  SO now he's considering taking the plunge, trusting our close inner circle, and spending a day en femme at the retreat.  GO NIKKI!  He asked how I feel and I was all I don't care what you wear as long as it includes a bathing suit to swim with me.  There is a rule at the retreat no one swims alone for safety, and while I do it at home all the time, I completely respect the hostesses need to feel safe that we're not drowning. 
    So my insomnia is kinda going dormant and I can sleep again.  The stress levels of the past nine or so months were crazy, and went absolutely nuts the first week I found out about Nikki's secret, but all the subsequent talking and working things out and the exit plan to my lung cancer-inducing job have made things so much better.  I had no idea how twisted up I'd gotten until we started working things out.  Knowing what is going on with Nikki and embracing it has made Nikki 'check back in' to the marriage.  The last four years he'd been really checked out emotionally and timewise, and I was really unhappy with that and trying to connect but he was unable to tell me what was wrong and engage with me.  Now that he's back as my spouse in the fullest sense of the word, things are getting back on track beautifully.  There is no need to shut down conversations getting to close to his secret anymore, and the openness fosters a deep closeness between us that works both ways, he's been as supportive of me and trying to deal with my issues now as I am of him. 
    Life is getting better everyday.    And the weather is going up again!  I hope this summer is hot and normal, like the winter was pretty much back in normal ranges after two brutal  years of excessive cold (our normal is in the 20s, it was ranging from -10 to -45 at the worst the last two yeas).  The last two summers were rather cool, which is great for those without ac (like us in the house) but sad for those with pools who want to swim.    The first year I got the pool sucked so bad, they changed Nikki's hours shortly before we got it and I was on first and he was on seconds and everyone had to swim alone except for weekends.  Then last year I missed like six weeks of swimmable season due to the surgery.  This year we are going to swim and swim together dangit.  *shakes her paw at the sky*
     
  3. Briannah
    Seriously, I lost gobs of time to Youtube.  It always starts out innocently. I want to hear a certain song.  Watch some tutorial videos so I know what Nikki wants me to buy.  In the mood for a laugh so look up news blooper videos (OMG nothing is funnier than news going wrong!).  The try guys people I like watching trying new things for the first time.  And then...it's there.  The bane of my existence.  That bar on the right with other videos linked, ones that tempt me into clicking, and the next thing I know I"m light years away from my original topic, and have just spent 2 to 3 hours on the journey from an eye makeup tutorial to crazy science magic tricks, from John Oliver into weird video game easter eggs, from news bloopers into strange porn things I had never heard of before. 

    It's crazy how many things are out there in the world. 
  4. Briannah

    Wednesday musings.

    By Briannah,

    Went to the therapy place with Nikki, and I stayed in the lobby, but man it was relaxing.  They had this really zen music playing, and it was nice, and there was this pretty mood lamp next to me, and I was just mellowing out have a nice conversation with a lady until her appointment, then sitting working on a puzzle.  I really should have asked what cd they were playing, that was some really nice laid back music.  The couch was comfy.  And there was water and a coffee bar if I got thirsty. 
    Then lunch, and then we both got our hair cut.  Well, I got mine maintenanced, basically did what I usually do, a layered bob that is easy to control and puffs up nicely so it doesn't LOOK as thin as it is.  Nikki got an awesome choppy layer cut that looks great on him, and he was excited to show me how the front pieces hide the male hairline pattern.    He'd been giving me side eye all week since I sorta locked him into this, but I think he's really glad he went with it.  At the place I leaned over and whispered "This is a huge girl thing, relax and try to zen in girl mode and enjoy it!"  And still plenty for me to play with.  WOOT! 
    Now I"m trying to figure out what to do with myself.  It's an overcast day here, and that gray light literally sucks out my will to exist.  Now that all the planned activities are done, I find myself bored outta my mind and lacking the motivation to really do anything about it.  Dang gray lighting.  Back in astronomy class in high school we did experiments with lighting, and had to put our head in a box, and different lights were used in the box.  Full spectrum lighting made you feel awesome, the gray 'overcast' light simulator made you feel instantly depressed and down.  It was really enlightening how immediate and dramatic the responses were to the lighting I was exposed to. 
  5. Briannah

    Still trucking.

    By Briannah,

    So...stormed outta the house yesterday.  Was trying to talk to Nikki about realizing that even when he is the catalyst, he is not actually MY FEELINGS.  And that every feeling and confusion I have, even if they are started by something about him, is actually NOT ABOUT HIM, and talking over me as loud as he possibly could that it was made me leave.  I went to the park and froze my ass off sitting in a place i used to spend time with Grandpa really missing him.  Then I went to work, and Nikki sent me an apology.  He's good with that, taking responsibility when he does things that hurt me.  And talking over me and making everything about him like my dad does was was ugly. 
    So we went to get our calzones...and that place was packed.  I'm talking there wasn't even standing room to wait for a table, so I suggested going further up to the next city and getting Boston Market Chicken since we both love it and don't have one in our city, healthier than the calzones anyway and very very tasty.  (But next Friday I'm getting my dang calzone, will try to time arriving a bit later in the day).  The only other thing that Nikki likes in the town we were in is one of those drive up burger stands without an indoors that I actually HATE the food at.  If I'm going to blow my diet to have a date with him in dress, I wanted to at least like the taste of the food.  I'm selfish that way.     So the food was awesome, date afternoon was as much fun as it always was, and there was a stop at the  pet store to peer at the animals.
    I barely managed to hang onto my sanity in the pet store, came REALLY close to walking outta there with this huge gorgeous five year old girl that looks just like my boy cat only had white paws whose human had passed away.  But four cats would be ridiculous, especially with the female needing extra care now.  And we travel twice a year, and I don't want to overwhelm my pet caretakers.  The glow in the dark fish were tempting too.  Seriously, black light glow in the dark fish.  SUPER COOL!  I did get a piece of driftwood to add to the dragon's cage.  We have a female bearded dragon I gave Nikki a few years ago for Christmas after my turtle passed and we had space, he'd been wanting one for ages.  And I'm good with reptiles if they have legs.  I spend a lot of time playing with her actually, she's a very mellow dragon that likes to ride around the house on our shirts.
    I am SO tired.  Spent all night going to the bathroom, must love blood pressure medication.  *Headdesk*  And I can't find my digital camera.  I just saw it a few weeks ago when of course I didn't want it.  Sometimes I think the inanimate objects ARE alive, and out to mess with us.  But Nikki is talking another zoo trip, the one we took for my birthday was slightly disappointing as the aquarium with the new seaturtle they got was closed!  Tragedy!  Actually we're talking about going once a month because it's good exercise and makes our membership a great value.   And I want better pictures of the seaturtle than I can do with my digital camera, and Nikki was talking about wanting me to photograph him.  Maybe I can take him out to the Black Swamp, some really nice vegetation and backdrops out there that would be fun to work with.  There is a tiny nature preserve of the swamp about 20 minutes from there that used to reign over the whole area. You can even see turtles through the wildlife blinds on a good day, and once I saw a fox, some beavers, possums, racoons, and a variety of birds.  Really nice place I forget to go to often.  We actully have a variety of nature preserve type parks here that we go walking at on occasion, but unfortunately a lot of them don't have bathrooms of any kind, which can get awkward for me at least.  Despite camping since childhood I never mastered the outdoors squat exercise. 
    Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, it warmed back up to sixty here.  Yesterday was stupid cold here!  I asked Nikki what our target date for the pool was, I was thinking mid may, he said potentially next month depending on the ongoing weather patterns.  That would be awesome!
  6. Briannah
    So I get up, let my dog out, give her her morning dental treat, and sit down to read/answer some e-mail.  All of a sudden my dog is racing around the house like crazy, so I go out to see what is going on.  I'm not talking a little pacing, I"m talking full speed full charge ahead around the place, she never does this.  She goes behind the table where I can't see her, so I go around too, and she's on the floor on her side seizing, her little paws twitching and some foam on her mouth.  Having some experience in this with our cat, I wait until she starts to come out of it and get up and I got to her and she snaps at me.  She NEVER snaps at me.  Even when Nikki has her all riled up and chewing on him in play, I can reach my hand in without fear and she won't chew in the slightest, just licks me.  Then she's running away from me.
    This is where it went from scary to really bad, she literally didn't know who I was and was terrified outta her mind, which took me along with her.  I tried to calmly approach with the lead so I could throw her in the van and take her to the vet, but she started growling at me.  The I mean business growl. So I backed up to the door, opened the inner door so I could get out if she charged me, she was acting so weird I didn't know what to expect, and called Nikki with the "Come home RIGHT NOW Alita is not okay" incoherence, hung up on him and called the vet to notify them we were incoming once Nikki got home to help me wrangle her. 
    Just before Nikki pulled up, she started to recognize she slunk forward her in her most extreme I'm sorry posture but clearly no clue what was going on, so I started calming her down and petting her as best I could.  Nikki got home and did a quick house and yard check to see if she got something, and couldn't find any evidence of anything.  Other than realizing she both peed and pooped all over the house, something else she never does.  So we grabbed a wad of poop off the floor and took that too just in case. 
    The vet checked her over thouroughly, and her phsyical exam by that point was perfect.  So it didn't do any severe damage at least.  They are going to look at the poop and took bloodwork.  At this point he agreed it didn't seem like she got into something, no smell on her breath, no secondary signs, and recovery was very fast for that, so they send us home with her to watch over here today and we have to wait and see.  Its uncommon but not rare that he's seen this happen to dogs who never had another episode again, so the best course now is to run the blood/poop tests and wait and see. 

    But that was scary.  She's freaked out and clingy to us right now, poor thing.  She's curled up on her computer room pillow with her head on Nikki's foot like don't leave me daddy.  I"m so happy it didn't happen in the middle of the night at least.  My poor baby girl.  She's a 9 year old lab/beagle mix of sweetness.  She's got a very laid back attitude about most things, and loves just chilling out with us.  And chewing on things.  OH my gosh she loves to chew. 
  7. Briannah
    Nikki's blood pressure is refusing to cooperate.  It's still high, and they managed to conquer mine even.  I don't know if he's stressed out under the depression and unable to really feel it to deal with it, or if there is something more serious going on.  I know it sounds early to worry, but Nikki has a history of a minor thing suddenly becoming a health crisis.  So I worry.  Cuz I can't imagine being without him.  He's made an appointment with her after briefly discussing antidepressants, she wants a full appointment and to talk to his therapist before she helps him choose what to try because she was quite clear that being sure that there are no early warning signs of a variety of conditions matters, to avoid actually making him feel worse.   I love her, she's very clear and open about things.  And actually looking to help.  So that will happen in about a month. 
    And didn't look at me funny when I abruptly ran out of the room to get to a bathroom, my cycle does weird things to my digestive system.  She changed my blood pressure stuff due to the coughing, because the one I"m on can cause that, but it should clear up in two to three days if it's the pills.  Please go away now cough, changing prescriptions is easy and preferable to something being wrong with my throat.  She was a little worried about the heartburn, but it's ONLY just after I cough, and only lasts a minute or two.  So acid reflux was tentatively ruled out.  And I did hit the target blood pressure.  Apparently I'm reasonably healthy!  Go me.
    I'm persona non grata at work.  There was A Letter.  Basically, my aunt who is my immediate boss and office manager is retiring.  So she's leaving.  But Mark's smoking is becoming awful, in addition to the generally toxic nature of the place, so I'm leaving sometime between June and August.  Originally they had a plant hat she was going to keep working part time and I would to, but the schedule she wants to force on me didn't work at all for Nikki and he wasn't interested in me vanishing into that place so told me to quit after we hit a few more financial goals.  So they have to hire a new full time person to replace us, and Jan was honest about the smoking issue, and the staffing place wrote us a letter on why they are unable to help us until it's resolved.  So many liabilities whether they get a smoker or non-smoker.  SO somehow this is MY fault, and smoke addict is ignoring me unless absolutely forced to deal with me.  On the one hand, insulting.  On the other, it's more peaceful.  Pros and cons.  
    Had a conversation with Nikki when I realized all the dressing and needs conversations we've had were focused on or around the depression crisis.  Which is fine, immediate needs must be addressed first, but it also occurred to me to realize that eventually he's going to get better.  He's putting all in with conquering this, and I believe in him and his natural happy state.  So...he will recover and regain himself and his emotions.  So...what does all this look like then?  No promises, no bans, no rules, just a conversation about what he thinks it might look like in the interest that this is the rest of my life, and I'd like a sort of vague directional marker where it's heading.  He asked if the crossdressing doesn't go away is it a dealbreaker, and I'm like no, I'm not really expecting it to go away, I just wanted to know what it all would look like.  What changes in our current need/stress driven routines did he think would fit in with his life the way he remembers it being, with the understanding that I am just exploring the topic and not expecting a cast in iron polaroid photo.  It was nice. He was relieved, but said that once he was okay again he'd put it back in the box if I needed him to.  And I just didn't.  Six weeks ago I would have looked at myself like I was nuts, but I really did adjust to all this.  So it can stay, it's welcome, let's just figure out how it works when it's happy instead of sad.  I like happy better.
     
  8. Briannah
    She changed my second blood pressure medication at the last visit reluctantly, since my blood pressure is now perfect, however, I had developed that really horrible cough that the stuff can cause.  SO...been on the new stuff for nearly a week now, and the cough is gone, but my throat is still stupidly dry, swollen, and often sore.  I'm going to have to go back, apparently there was a reaction to the meds and something else going on.  Meh.  And it's not dehydration, ya'll would not believe the giant water bottle I carry around and suck on all day.  It's 63 ounces, and I'm drinking a whole and a half on average.  That is a lot of water. 
    So was trying to be helpful when Nikki had a bad day the other day and I threw a bra what I thought was to him, and pretty much hit him in the face with it.  Then I was getting the breast forms outta the box still determined to be helfpful while he was lounging on the bed, it got stuck in it's plastic wrapper thing, so I pulled, and smacked myself in the face with a weighted silicon boob.  Hilarity ensued for Nikki, while I started wondering when my ability to handle inanimate objects declined exactly.  And then my add kicked in, and I started thinking about like 20 things at once ranging from fake boobs to zebras (don't ask, I have no idea where the zebras came in) but where I was going wasn't one of them and I smacked into the door. 

    On the upside, Nikki laughed himself silly and had a good moment. 
  9. Briannah

    Switch flipped.

    By Briannah,

    Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now.  So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode.  It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement.  So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer.  Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner.  Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. 
    I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't. 
  10. Briannah

    Ugh.

    By Briannah,

    I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day.  Must get my innards under control and soldier on.  People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult.  *headdesk*  My timing, as ever, is incredible.  Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on christmases and thanksgivings, Dengue fever on a cruise...if it's  boring wednesday I have to work I feel great, if it's an awesome time to enjoy, sick as a turtle. 
    MEh.  *Slinks off to find some tums or something*
  11. Briannah
    So printer died a horrible death, moment of silence for my little desk friend.    Moment over.  IT was a fast moment, it wasn't that nice a desk friend.  Nikki and I can't be without a printer, we use it constantly.  So I ordered a new one, and we went to Best Buy to pick it up.  Now, Nikki just got to order the components to put his new computer together, the same one we built for me around Christmas, only he gets it $100 cheaper because prices go down with time.  LOL  So he was browsing around the store instead of heading strait to the customer pick up (I'm lazy, I like ordering online and making them get it together and picking it up at the desk, it also cuts out any attempts to alter my purchase and lets me read and research off the website about the item).  So I'm following him around, and i see a display.
    There was a pair of vr goggles.  These are not the expensive Occulus ones (Thought they are powered by the technology)  I'm not sure what brand they are, but they are the ones that work with the Samsun smart phone and you can sorta clip your phone to them.  They're white, and sorta ugly.  But I was curious and I picked them up, and held them against my face to see.  It took a minute to figure out how to get the demo to start.
    The demo starts.  It's a car racing through a tunnel.  Okay, whatever.  It's sorta neat, I don't see what the big deal is.  Probably great for people who like car games.  Then it announces something about underwater, and suddenly I'm standing under the ocean, and a NINE FOOT great white shark is gliding across in front of me.  Like maybe two feet away!  And it didn't look REAL exactly, but it did look almost real.  The textures weren't perfect, little details clued you in.  You could tell it was a video game sorta thing, but the feeling that you were standing IN THE GAME was so strong, that as I'm turning my head to follow the shark, and the view did follow my head movements really perfecting the illusion, I damn near jumped a mile because inches from my face was another great white facing me directly looking back at me that I didn't know was there because I actually could not see him until I turned my head like in real life.  I can only imagine what my face looked like to Nikki, I really had to remind myself the shark wasn't real, but I might have jumped. 
    It was AMAZING.  I can't even describe how blown my mind was by those sharks. 
    Then it switched to a space battle, and it really felt like I was one of those forlorn figures in the window watching an epic space battle in front of me, and I was thinking about the lives of the people in those ships, and wondering if they would come for me for a second. 
    Then I was in a bloodstream, as it displayed it's educational opportunities for visual learners.  And I love science, so I was completely engrossed in watching the red and white cells drift by. 
    After I put it down, my first thought was to an article I had read where they are three dimensionally filming Egyptian tombs so students, and probably virtual tourists, can be 'in' them and see them 'firsthand', and how very much I would love to do that. 
    My mind was completely blown by how amazing this technology I really hadn't thought much about actually is.  So...that is what I'm going to be saving my small entertainment allowance in the new budget for.  Because I really, really want a virtual reality headset.  For gaming.  For exploring.  For feeling like I'm out of the house for a little bit in the winter when I can't leave. 
    There was a Japanese animation show about a video game that was played in virtual reality a while back, called .Hack//Sign.  The basic story of the game is something sinister is happening and a player gets fully trapped in the game, and the show revolves around the events of trying to save 'him'.   (Spoilter - it's a female player, but that isn't revealed right away).  But through the show you get glimpses of the players lives, and why they are there, and why they form the friendships they do.  And one of them is a girl bound to a wheelchair.  She doesn't actually play the game, she just walks around in it.  Never levels, just...enjoys the feeling of the freedom she doesn't have in her actual life. It was a really powerful storyline, and I'm reminded of her as I wore those goggles and what this can mean to some people, where it's more than a game or a teaching tool. 
    It's been ages since anything reminded me of the sheer potential we have as a species to create and expand our world, both outside and internally.
  12. Briannah
    So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something.  You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!".  My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there.  Until it heals up.  But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking.  And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her.  But every hour I'm getting up and waddling around the house whining about how sucky my life is today.  Nikki said it took a few days before it cleared up fully.  I honestly can't tell you if it's helping or not, I don't know if I just WANT to believe it's a bit better or it is. 
    I often face the same dilemna in my head, instinct vs. medical.  I know what my body dysmorphia is and what not to believe that it's telling me, but I still act on it all the same despite rationally knowing better.  Like the other day I only walked half normal at the park because it was homecoming and I was surrounded by gorgeous, symmetrical girls in pretty dresses doing photography, and it stirred up the obsession over every flaw and intimidated the hell out of me so I made Nikki take me home.  You don't win every day over your disorder, ya know?  Some days ya lose.  And that's okay, because I went back and plugged at it again.  I think people here can understand my feelings better than most.  I don't think it's the same, but I think there is a lot of crossover in emotional fallout of dismorphia vs. dysphoria.   And I understand Nikki and my freinds.  I may not understand the details, but I do understand pain.  And details can, and are, being learned.  It's funny how connected unconnected things are sometimes.
    And then I realized that I made progress i wasn't aware of again.  Because I did go back, instead of hermitting up for ages.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to lose the entire war, not just a day's battle.  And now I"m not.  I haven't won the war, but I did get a little closer.  And I put another brick in the wall that is my happy.  I"m not generally happy because it comes easy or naturally, I'm generally happy (with the odd rage or sad day, I have a lotta issues and ugly history still playing out in my head, let's be real) because I built the wall of happy.  One brick at a time, one think to elate over and then the next, and the next, til the wall got high.  Sometimes holes get knocked in my wall, and it's a terrifying moment where I think the whole thing is just GONE, but then I realize it's just a hole, and the rest of the wall is fine, and start patching that hole. 
    I didn't understand when I was young what people meant by happiness is a choice.  I didn't understand yet about pespective, choice, and deciding what I was going to obsess over.  I wasn't happy when I was younger, I was just kinda lost and no idea where to go to get unlost.  I was REALLY resistant to my doctors and therapists, because I had convinced myself they were wrong.  Like all teens/early adults, "I KNEW BETTER!".  Only I didn't.  They really did know better, and when I started to listen and try to understand what I was being told I got better.  And knew how to recognize the doctors and therapists who didn't understand what I was trying to relay to them from those that did and could help me. 
    Today I just need to focus on that wall, walk even though it hurts, and be a good turtle.  Anyone who reads this and it resonates, I'd be happy to help you find that first brick.  That first one, it's small.  It took me years to notice it.  The bricks get bigger, but that first one, it's tiny.  Easy to miss.  Mine was realizing I was good at organizing the group Assateague camp trip.  Everyone had fun at them (Save one guy that no one could save because he wouldn't tell anyone he'd never camped before and went on a fairly challenging environment island).   There were no problems, and I sorted it all out, got everyone their reservations, organized people into carpools so we had less vehicles, sorted people into tent shares so those who didn't own gear could partner up and enjoy the trips, and it all went well.  And things that didn't were minor, like me running naked out of a tent to get away from a snake.  *blushes*  Will NEVER live that moment down.  But they did get the snake out for me and searched every inch to be sure.  LOL   It was an easy brick to miss, overshadowed by the minor things that went wrong like that, and the time I accidentally took a camp shower in sun tea, or burned some food.  But once I found that first brick, I started to see more lying scattered around in my my head, and put them together to make a little wall, that has grown for years.  That first little victory and overcoming my add to get something done well, it was a real, tiny brick.  And it's still in that wall. 
  13. Briannah
    Crazy times.  Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out.  It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life.  That's a plus!   I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right.  The air felt...wrong.  A little damp, a little too cool.  And then I noticed a light pattern on the floor below me as I'm walking down the stairs that didn't make sense, it coudln't possibly be there unless....pause...no way...I'm confused clearly, because it's ten am and I'm alone in the house until one and there is NO WAY that the front door is open.  So I creep down the stairs, peer cautiously around the edge of the stairwell...and...run like a lunatic back upstairs, lock myself and the dog in my bedroom, barricading it with a dresser and calling 911 cuz yup, it's WIDE OPEN and I don't know if I"m alone in the house.  Fortunately it appears Nikki, despite the usual paranoia about it, forgot to lock it and it blew open.  But man was the adrenaline flowing that morning! 
    So the day after that improved greatly, Nikki took the week off before his crazy overtime season started, and we just spent it together doing whatever seemed fun at the time.  There was a lot of pokemon go hunting, I have managed to appease my fitbit five out of seven days last week.  So far this week fitbit appeasement has occurred 3 out of 7, I might have to up it's demand level.  But it was a lovely week of just...reconnecting. 
    We went to a public Halloween Pokemon Go costume, and he wore a female costume and had a great time.  We had dinner after, and he was a big hit there too, and it was lovely getting to go out and do things with people and Nikki being comfortable about it.  We've been out to restaurants in other towns, Nikki still harbors fears about the violence rations on trans people, so very much closeted in general locally still.  Nikki is definitely some kind of bigender, gender fluid, some word not yet put into use.  There are days where he's REALLY male inside and out, and days where he's REALLY female, inside and out, and sometimes cluing me in gets forgotten and it's sorta like a word puzzle, which mode are we in today?  I confess, some days I"m just really confused, but that's okay too.  I was really confused before I knew trans was a thing in my house, living with other people no matter what the details is one of the hardest things in the world.  One of the most rewarding too if it's a healthy, mutual relationship, be it family, roommates, freinds, lovers, spouses, whatever.  All the things they never told me about the art of living with other human beings though...
    It's kinds sad really, that anyone would think they have a right to care about what hes wearing/presenting/feeling to the point that they would commit violence. I don't get people.  I suppose I unconsciously expect others to behave like I do.  When I don't like a person or thing, I try to tactfully disengage.  I don't generally want to cause harm to people, and just generally want to go my own way.  I have brushed up against things in the world I don't want to be part of, but I respect other people's right to be and just want to find the nearest exit.  There's room for everyone but people who serially harm others. 
    I had a brief moment of insanity and printed out an extra copy of the professional cruise photos I was filling photo frames with here at home and gave them to my mom who is always bugging me for pictures (take and print your own lady!) and as usual no good deed goes unpunished.  *headdesk*  I think I still willfully blind myself to reality sometimes and expect her to act like a person, especially since I'd been forced to give up on dad and stepmom entirely.  Delusion, thy name is Briannah. 
    However, staycation is now over, and 10 hour days six a week (and eventually 7 a week) have begun, and not surprisingly Nikki is either working, eating, or sleeping.  I just try to be quiet and out of the way during this time of year.  It does get a little lonely, I admit.  My son comes over to watch movies with me often during this time of year so I have someone to talk to.    He's a good kid. 
    Aunt wants to do Tbird day (so sad, I make a better bird, and I LOVE turkey) because she does a lot of church things and doesn't want to have to cook on Christmas, so I sat down and webcrawled, and have finally settled on a holiday menu I'm going to test drive this weekend when a friend is visiting us to make sure it's as tasty as the pictures look.  Pineapple-brown sugar slow cooked spiral ham in the crock pot, sausage-apple cornbread dressing, french onion roasted red potatoes, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rye bread.  I know, I skipped out on the yams, but mom is a diabetic in denial, and I think sugaring both potatoes and the ham is Really Bad Idea.  I used to be so busy trying to balance work, Grandma's care, and my home life that I just fly by nighted holiday dinners, then Nikki's dyshtymia took hold and it didn't really matter if i tired or not he was blah about it, and i just got lazy.  This year he's feeling so much better, I'm doing my level best to channel my inner festive and plan ahead and do something impressive. 
    And I've discovered pinterest!  There are cool things out there!  I know, I'm late everyone else in the world knows Pinterest.  LOL  But I just found it.  So now I'm knee deep in xmas decor projects to support my awesome dinner attempt.  Ambience!
    So that is what I've been up to, how have you all been doing?  Fill me in! 
  14. Briannah
    I need a suit of armor.  Nikki and I have been working on increasing our outdoor holiday lighting display.  I suspect mainly because I really really love sparkly lights and Nikki likes to indulge me.  But as you know I've stopped working, so our budget are smaller, but no worries!  PInterest to save the day! 
     
    And I found a great project to add to our lighting display, only it requires working chicken wire.  Chicken wire is plain evil.  But it would be a lovely inexpensive base for lighting in any shapes we want, the project was for large round balls, but Nikki thinks we can manage simple trees and square gift box types of bases and we can add details with varied color light strings.  I'm just so clumsy I'm a little worried I'll end up in the er again, last time I tried to wrestle chicken wire I sliced my arm elbow to wrist, and on the back of the other hand through the supposedly super tough leather gloves.  Is there some sort of super secret chicken wire wrangling trick no one told me about? 
  15. Briannah
    So I was warm for something like 11 days.  10 really, the second day of the drive home was cold and insanely rainy and foggy depending on where we were.  Managed to not fry my skin or drown in the spa.  Seriously, that was nearly a thing.  We got the spa access package this cruise which we never do, but Nikki's injured back benefitted greatly.  So we tried new things.  Here's how that went, feel free to laugh. 
    ​1) Heated Ceramic Loungers - big ceramic lounge chairs designed by a chiropractor to help align your body properly and they are heated from within.  Being hard ceramic covered in pretty shimmery tiles sounds rather uncomfortable, but holy cow those were comfortable.  And warm.  So this only went a LITTLE wrong for me, as in...got stuck.  They are easy to get onto, but weirdly hard to get back off.  You have to push up in a weird way and the first day I couldn't figure it out.  Of course Nikki rescued me, laughing like a crazy person.  And mid week I might have fallen asleep and had to be woken up as I was snoring rather unfortunately. ​ Other than that they were easy to use, and I realized while I can't quite recreate the chiropractic curves to force the alignment at home, I can take a heating blanket on the recliner and recreate the lounge/heat effect for sore backs at home.  So that's a win.  Really did end up loving these warm comfy trap couches by the end of the week.  Nikki hates the heating pad, even with the cover the plastic part under it somehow makes the skin sweat a lot, and it moves around constantly, so I think this might be a better solution with the blanket/recliner.
    2) Dry Sauna - what it sounds like, a sauna room with no steam.  There was a little fountain emitting the pleasant running water sounds nad pretty.  The benches were the inner heated ceramic covered in shimmery tiles like the loungers, but shaped like normal benches.  The room was VERY warm and nice.  And you didn't have to be in a swimsuit to use this one, so it was nice after walking in the winds on the promenade.  Getting out was easy, just go through the door.  Until you realized the the door makes a dying walrus scream in the quiet lounger room and everyone is not glaring at you.  Really like this, and am aware it's possible to have one in a home, so must look into costs on this thing.  I might actually like one.
    3) Steam Sauna - Pretty much what you expect, but holy cow those were wet.  So very very wet.  It really felt like you were drowning trying to breath.  You could choose different scents for the steam by pushing some buttons, but I was too busy trying to get oxygen in with all the water in the air.  I thought maybe it was an issue with my lungs from the asthma, but Nikki has no such compromising damage to his lung tissue and he couldn't breath either.  So we are apparently not steam sauna people.  The feeling of drowning while sitting on pretty shimmery tiles with a pretty lovely sounding flower fountain was really disconcerting.   On the plus side, the door was quiet to this. No steam if I ever do get a sauna in my house, just no.  No more steam.  Another cruiser later said her spa gives you chilled wet washcloths for your face and that helps with the breathing thing, but I don't think I would like my face being covered like that.  I'll stay dry.
    4) Jungle shower.  So I paid for access to this stuff, I was gonna try it.  What could go wrong?  This was a shower in a circular wall of that pretty shimmery tile on just about everything else in this area, you're inside a column with part of an arc missing for a door.  You shower in your swimsuit, no doors.  There's a soothing green light in the top.  SO I'm in the warm shower, and notice there are buttons.  So what could go wrong?  I push the first button, and woosh!  A monsoon of cold water in the middle of my cozy warm shower.  I shriek because I'm that started and leap out, Nikki thinks I've burned myself, and busts out laughing when he realizes I just ran away from a little cold water.  In my defense it was a LOT of REALLY cold water.  So there is a second button, and now I'm really wary, but I push it anyway.   Maybe it's the warm jungle rain right?  Nope.  A whole bunch of little hidden nozzles drench me in icy cold fog.  So I am definitely not a jungle shower type of person.  Silly me thought maybe the buttons did light shows in the top, or jungle sounds or something.  Maybe aromatherapy jungle orchid scents or something.  It shoulda been called the surprise arctic shower.
    5) Hydrotherapy tub - this is a big tub, 3'9" deep, with water heated to the body temperature and filled with calcium and sea minerals.  There are three sections.  The first is a tall pipe you stand under, and it forces water in a flat sheet down on you, good for shoulders, neck, and back.  That went reasonably well, until the boat shifted suddenly and I got a face full, but easily corrected.  Then there is a metal circle in the middle with a small opening to get inside it, and what looked like a steering wheel in the middle that you apparently grab onto and hold.  The whole area works like a hot tub, with energy saving buttons, so as I was entering the metal circle in the middle of the pool it all shut off and Nikki went to push the button.  So I can see the buttons starting up from the holes in the floor in the metal circle, and I'm ready for bubbles.  Spa lady said this part was good for legs and hips.  Great, I have hip issues.  Bring it on!  Well, it did come on.  This REALLY strong bubblestorm rises up, and swirls around the metal circle.  I was on the far side from the start point, so I had a moment to contemplate this frothing mass coming at me.  Then it hit, and I was standing at some weird angle and managed to force all that frothing bubblestorm not to my hips, but strait up my body and into my face and I'm drowning myself standing up in a tub that only is a little over my waist.  Only me, honestly.  And before all these facial dunkings I had tied up my hair to keep it dry, that was funny.  NOw I look like a drowned rat with a crooked, odd updo.    ​But...once I figured out what I was doing wrong and altered my stance, it really did do wonders for the legs and hips.  Wish I had one of these things at home!  So now it's time to try the last part, this 'couch' of metal tubes (so the bubbles can come through) that puts you in a reclining position in the heated water.  Remember, I'm clumsy.  I managed to bang up my happily bubble massaged legs, hips, shoulders, and head trying to get on to this thing.  But I did finally get in position, and was less impressed.  So I just did the first two, and then sorta free floated in the water loosely outside the metal circle of face water attacking, because I cannot even tell you all how much that calcium and sea minerals did amazing things to our skin.  I had never felt skin so TOUCHABLE.  So very very touchable.  So I was sitting at dinner probably freaking people out around me by petting my own arm in awe. 
    So...I think it was more or less a success.    The ​treatments helped Nikkis back a lot, and I managed to use them without killing myself or ending up permanently trapped by them.  Which is kind a major victory for me.  WOOT!  So now I'm going to look at our local spa options and see what sorta lounger/sauna/tub options they have.  They can keep the jungle showers though.  But I was heated, relaxed, steamed, watered, and massaged within in inch of my life.  We possibly overused the stuff, but it was kinda addicting and easy to get to on a ship with the spa just a short elevator ride up.  It was on our side of the boat! 
    I have to figure out something to do with my hair though.  All the pool, spa, and seawater stripped out the dye really fast.  It's hard(so far impossible) to find permanent dye in the shades of green I favor, so I'm thinking getting a clear cassia (jic sorta like henna, doesn't chemically alter the hair but wraps it in a sheath of clear protection that slowly washes out) after I use the semi-permanent dye to protect it for a few weeks against being stripped out by the pool this summer.  I used to use it when I was younger, it made it incredibly shiny and soft, but stopped when I moved here as it's not easy to find locally, but I have located several online options.  Meanwhile, must hit the supply store tomorrow to get more green.   
    Side note: The current one I'm using has argan oil in it.  So I got a bottle of leave in conditioner with this argan oil (after I looked it up on Wikipedia to even know what this stuff is) and I'm totally a convert.  Argan oil is amazing for hair.  It won't work crazy miracles, but it has done wonders detangling my cotton candy hair and dealing with the bleaching damage.  Supposedly it also helps strengthen hair, but I don't have a lotta breakage issues so I can't really tell.   On Nikki it's done wonders reducing his somewhat unmanageable frizz into soft smooth waves.  I'm often late to the party on these things, but in case I'm not for once I wanted to share. 
  16. Briannah
    I've had a friend for about a year.  Nikki and I met him online, and we all hit it off and became good friends.  Through the internet, they live several states away.  But still.  Ten years of chatting is a long time, and real friendships form.  So...several years ago he had a full on psych meltdown and vanished, and his wife reached out to me (thinking I was having an affair with him and he'd come to the other woman, unaware I was part of a couple and it wasn't like that) and she and I struck up a friendship because I was there for her while he was missing and the aftermath.  Then she was there for me after I was victimized with something else, and the friendship endured, back and forth every time something went crazy in our lives.  I don't have much in common with her as far as interests and hobbies, but we have a common ground of really bad ex husbands that left scars and the trials of life for us have been similar.  That creates a strong bond, even if we can't dish on the latest anime or tv show because we don't watch the same things.  Nikki doesn't have the relationship with her I do at all, she's just someone I know to him, but he's outraged by what is happening all the same because he's a good person who doesn't like seeing others hurt.  That makes me happy.  The rest makes me really sad.
    So, as per the workings of our friendship, she reaches out to me because something stressy is going on.  And I settle down with a glass of coke zero ready to listen, offer any useful advice I may have, and just let her unload.  I had no idea what was coming.
    My friend, my long term dearest friend who I trusted with SO many things in my head, he ATTACKED her and one of her CHILDREN.  *floored*  I was both completely stunned and not surprised at the same time.  I mean, I know the psych issue was bad, and I had been trying for months to talk him into getting into therapy, but you know, you can't force a person to get help.  You try because you have to, and I tried every logic and emotional appeal that I could, but it didn't matter.  And now here we are.  And it's gone into full on stalking like the kind that you see on the discovery channel tv shows because obviously she left him after the attack. 
    And I'm just floored.  So I did giver her useful advice on what to do with a stalker, having endured that myself (although mine wasn't a relationship based stalking, mine was a crazy woman with borderline personality disorder), and tried to be what comfort I could.  You never see it coming, ya know?  Even knowing there were issues, there was nothing indicating this.  He'd had simple breakups with other women in the past, no crazy.  Maybe his condition degenerates with age?  I don't know.   No one involved would have ever dreamed this would happen.  And isn't that what they always say when you watch those shows?  It really is easy to be blindsided.  Even for people alert to odd behavior.  We were more worried about him harming himself than other people, and boy we were mistaken. 
    But when I'm not trying to help her, I'm just sad.  Sad that someone I LIKED would be that kind of person.  Sad for the friendship that is obviously over, this is a huge dealbreaker for me given my history and the fear it's causing my other friend and the children (they are hers, not shared, so at least she can cut him out entirely and not have that complication!).  But...ten years of shared history and memories don't just vanish, and there is a mourning phase.  And sometimes I have an instinct to try to rationalize it away so I don't have to lose that.  I know better, but I do understand why so many people protect loved ones that might have done something, it's not that easy to throw away a person.  Especially parents. 
    So...even though it's kinda hurting, it's a good life lesson in perspective about not really understanding other people's choices until you're in the situation and learn how your own feelings and life experiences play out in how you deal with it.  I'm not sure how I would react if it was someone ever closer to me like my child or husband, or one of my lifelong friends.  I guess it's not surprising we can never really know what is in another person given we don't really know what is in OURSELVES until we are confronted with something and have to go through it and learn who we are in those moments.  It's so important to make choice, and not just act on instince I think.  My instinct says he's ill, not his fault, but I realize this is a defining moment of who I am and who I'm going to be.  Nothing in that was okay.  He was alerted to the fact that he needed help, ignored it, and hurt someone.  Even if it was driven by the illness, he wasn't so bad he didn't know he needed to do something, he just chose to not deal with it, and someone got hurt. That isn't okay, and even if I'll miss him, I can't condone it by going on.  So that is who I am in this, the one who chooses to say not okay, and we're done and support the victim.  Yay morality. 
  17. Briannah

    Misadventures in Romance

    By Briannah,

    So. Monday was gorgeous all day.  SIXTY degrees outside.  We hadn't done the Toledo Zoo Lights yet this year, so I called Nikki at work to find out if he wanted to go, it was a work night but it's not terribly late.  Thought it would be fun not freezing to death for once.  So we get in the car to go, and it starts misting a bit.  Then it starts pouring.  It was the soggiest zoo lights ever!  We bought a great big red and white umbrella and were congratulating ourselves on dealing with the rain when the wind started, an we nearly blinded some poor dude walking behind us when the umbrella turned inside out.  After getting well and truly soaked, we stopped in the Carnivore Cafe.  They had turned the old cat house into a cafe and you can eat in the cages!  Silly fun.  And my hot chocolate lid fell off and poured all over me.  LOL 
    It was the silliest night, but still, romance happened despite it all going wrong.  Just proves perfection is so NOT the key to romance. 
  18. Briannah
    So was trying to start sleeping a bit earlier so I'm up during the day, Nikki missing me chatting with him on twitter at work, but my body wants to sleep 4 am to noon.  And I went to bed at 1 last night, and failed spectacularly to sleep until 3.  LOL  So while I was failing I had my ipad and was browsing Pinterest, and found the home decor section.  Now if you all knew me and my lazy home decorating skills, you'd be laughing right now.  Hard.  But there were interesting things there, and...projects.  And Nikki loves the ideas I presented for the new kitchen look.  We're going to take the colors for the cabinets and walls from the laminate, so the room has a sense of cohesion.  I think I need to start pricing sanders, I don't see either of us spending hours on hand sanding our counters.

    Projects that are more affordable to give my ugly kitchen a facelift.  My kitchen is REALLY ugly.  Other than the nice laminate floor we put in that looks like rock tile.  It has one faux wood counter and one white counter.  Both are dinged up to high heaven.  But Pinterest had a counter makeover using this 'feather coat' concrete stuff.  Sticks to any surface apparently, and I can add a faux concrete finish to my counters.  Both trendy and solves the mismatch problem.  Just a bit of troweling and sanding, no special skills needed.  The bag is like $15, and my counters are not big so one bag will do it.  If anyone else has a similar issue, or just loves the look of the concrete counters but doesn't have the money, lemme know and I'll post the project link in the comments.  AND it had a recipe for do it yourself chalk paint, which adheres better to smooth surfaces like cabinetry but it rather expensive paint, so I can deal with the ugly dinged up cabinet finishes and make the kitchen look cohesive without spending a ton.  The one big thing I'll need a couple hundred dollars for is a new sink, we've been looking to find time and money to replace that for a while.  Might as well do it when we have to take the old one out to do the counters so there is no 'edge' at the sink anyway.
    The point of this post: I'd just done...nothing.  In my head it was super expensive and out of my reach to do anything about it, so I just dealt with it.  But now, really starting to look around at things like this on the internet, I'm realizing that a lot more is actually under my control and fixable than I ever realized.  I'm about to turn 45, and just starting to figure life out.  It's never too late, and if you're a late bloomer go for it anyway.  I'm working on my total life makeover, mental, body, and environment.  The hardest part was to get up and start doing it, and not sit around and complain it's all out of my control.  I can't have my dream house in Jupiter, sure there are actual limits, but I don't have to miserable with what I have and can do something about making it better in small stages, and then someday I"ll suddenly be there, and realize I fixed things one tiny step at a time.  I spent my whole life thinking you had to be able to do the whole thing all at once or it couldn't be done, and that was a trap.  I climbed out of the trap, and Pinterest helped. 
    That is SO weird. 
  19. Briannah
    I confess, I'm being a bit cheesy here.    I always kinda snubby my nose at the resolution thing, because people make them and then forget them January second in my cultural experience.  But there are things I want to do so here goes.
    1) My kitchen makeover.  Aside from the fact that I found actual educational tutorials on how to do something about it all affordably, Nikki was actually excited about my ideas and has the skills I lack in the excecution.  And a thanks here to my Grandpa again for giving me the skills I don't lack, because he was always happy to explain what he was doing and teach me about it, and never really bought into the 'girls aren't into things'. 
    2) Found a really low cost beautiful result flooring idea, that Nikki really loved so explore if this is a potential solution to getting the carpet out of the upstairs and off the staircase (the last of the carpeting in this house, carpet is really unhealhty, and when you are asthmatic and also have a mold/dust/fungi allergy, it's really bad for peeps like me) without having $8,000 to spend on it and again we have the skills between us to do it.  This ties into 3.
    3) Keep working on the health makeover.  We are making progress, but it's easy to say hey, I fixed this one thing, DONE!  But the reality is good health really is a lifestyle not just fixing a problem, so...lifetime endeavor. 
    4) Learning to better identify actual barriers vs. internal mental barriers.  My kitchen could have been fixed years ago, if I'd had the idea or information of all the possible options I have that are and have been affordable.  It honestly never occurred to me that there WERE affordable options, (three kitchen projects, two for under $100, and one about $300 will completely change the room and make the house much nicer).  I just assumed that it would need a full remodel with constructions and thousands of dollars to do anything about it.  I think I have this sort of house lack of knowledge and internal barrier thinking on a lot of things, and time to reexamine that and start educating myself not just on how to be a good person (that took a lotta self help thanks to that weird upbringing) and how to help Nikki's depression and such, but how to just do basic day to day living and better organization in going after things I want.
    5) More cowbell.
  20. Briannah
    It's been raining since New Year's eve.  And our life experience SO color our emotional reactions to things.  We always assume that humans think rationally, but rational thought really goes to problem solving, while life experience and subconscious go to the deeper choice and reaction issues. 
    I always liked rain.  However, since 2007, if it rains more than one day I'm deeply uncomfortable and want to start moving everything I own upstairs.   Our town flooded that year.  It took somewhere between six and eight weeks of rain, no just a few days, but my brain doesn't care.  Its the conditions that created a situation which threw my world upside down.  And this was a MINOR flood, nothing like what goes on fairly regularly with the Mississippi river.  My basement flooded out and there was some danger potential, as the breaker box, hot water heater, and furnace were all in that water.  We had to carefully get a pump into it to get the water out without touching any of the water in case it was electrified, and there was a very real potential of fire form a situation like that I understand, but we had a shelter to go to if needed.  So it wasn't a safe situation, but it wasn't imminent danger of drowning like some people have faced. 
    But all the loss of the things we had stored, all the cleanup, the worry about the structural safety of our house (especially since the basement stairs broke off and floated freely around down there), and the sheer amount of work after to clean it all up so we could get it professionally bleached (or whatever they put on it) to control the health issues of post flood sewage in the basement (I'm talking storm drains sewage, not the toilet ones).  There was no power for a week, that made cleanup hard.  And the whole town stank like you wouldn't believe.  So while it wasn't as bad as it is for others, it was pretty bad during the event.  And...it only happened once in the time I've lived here, and once when my grandparents moved here the second year I think, but now it colors my thoughts and feelings about the rain.  And it changed the look of my town.  Lost of neighborhoods are gone now, and just grassy fields left where they were.
    Rationally, I know it's not a threat to me unless we start hitting the four week mark that I need to start thinking about it.  But the reality is that on that second day of rain, both Nikki and I start checking the river's height on the town page.  We start eyeing what to move upstairs.  Because brains and psyche are NOT rational.
    It's a good reminder to myself to stop and remember not to expect rational thought from big issues from people.  It doesn't work that way.  We all think it should, but brains and emotions don't work on rational.  Rational is how to fix the leaking faucet, how to move the possessions out of the way of the flood.  The emotional brain provides the impetus to actually fix that faucet, and when to start moving those things.  And that part isn't rational, it's deeper in that rooted in a series of complex instinctive and learned behaviors related to survival.  Our brains haven't cuaght up with the modern world, and they still function on survival instinct every day.   That is where the fear of unknown and different comes from. 
    It's why change is slow, and not fast.  Because we have to train our brains that those feelings aren't actually helping us survive or function better as a group.  Patience is they key.  It's not about rational thought and statistics, it's about countering that deep emotional instinct and life experience part to effect real change.
  21. Briannah
    Nikki's passport has wandered off somewhere, again.  And I"m only 60 percent sure mine is still where I remember it being.  I honestly think these things are alive, aware they are at the end of their lifespan, and Really Angry about that.  (I have to renew them next year, and I never renewed them before, and I'm disproportionately freaked out by official things I've never done before).  And I still have to organize excursions (we like to have them ordered and paid before we go, the less we spend on the trip the less we risk whatever they call that when the numbers get big and you start spending like crazy because it seems a little unreal.  There' sa name for the psychological effect but I cant' remember it.  Reason number two we're postponing Assateague til next year when we're not planning to cruise.  I'm super excited to share all my memories physically with Nikki though of that island.
    I'm really excited that there are beaches in my future.  I really miss living on a coastal state.  I lived in the center of the state, nearly the real center weirdly both north/south and east/west so I wasn't right on the coast, but depending on the winds some days when it was warm the sea winds were strong and blowing in ward you could get whiffs of the sea even as  far inland as we were.  And of course, an half to full hours ride depending on which beach was desired and a coupla bucks of parkway money (and I'm so odd, I know, but I loved throwing money at the little funnels and going, it  always struck me as hilarious!) and some really frustrating circling trying to find a parking spot later and you could be on the beach.    I would love to be coastal again.  Even though I have recently learned there is actually a sand crisis on pretty much every beach on the world, and everyone is angry at Africa for not sharing their sand, i guess from teh Sahara?  Crazy right?
    Heck, I have this silly wish to go home, and live in New Jersey again.  Surprisingly a lot of the people from my childhood and early adulthood are still there and in touch.  But it's crazy expensive, and impractical.  But that's what dreams are for right?  I'm such a cliche, I spent all my time in Piscataway wanting out, and now i just want back in.  Go figure.   It's one of the two places I dream of living when I'm not focused on making where I actually live more pleasant, the other being with the palm trees and lizards in Florida.  I wouldn't be sad to have warmish winters.
    Speaking of winter, we're in full swing yo you mode here.  It's rained or snowed ever day for roughtly 9 days or so now.  The sky is angry, and it's mostly been cold, with a few abrupt swings to the 60's.  WEATHER GONE WILD! 
    Oh, and I have to share this so you ladies can all be weirded out with me.  We're out driving, and definitely in town proper, when suddenly...PIG!  A real live, sorta goofy looking, black pig in someone's lawn.  I can only assume it's their pet, but it was outside in an unfenced lawn unattended.  So I guess it's a well behaved pig?  I'm going to guess a female Vietnamese potbelly pig on the basis that it was vaguely shaped like one of those and had no tusks, but I have zero pig knowledge so feel free to laugh at my identification attempts.  It was just so bizarre and unexpected.  And this is from a someone who lives here, where there used to be a guy who kept a bear in a dog kennel by the river. 
    Ya know, the more I talk about it with you guys, the more I realize my life is sorta weird.  Even by my standards.   Pull up a hot chocolate (or beverage of your choice) and enjoy the weird with me.  Share your weird.  It's fun!
  22. Briannah

    Cranky

    By Briannah,

    I have Nikki germs.  Decided to share the cold germs with me, ah the joys of marriage.  MEH! 
    I'm going to go whine at my favorite stuffed turtle for a while. 
  23. Briannah
    There are some broad tendency (probably from social upbringing) differences between men and women.  And one of those differences is staring at me from catching up on Deadly women (and other forensic shows, I have some weird obsession with forensics, I don't even know why).  This is in regard to premeditated murder, not heat of the moment kind where everyone male or female has just lost their minds for a minute.
    When a guy is going to kill you, most of the time he just does it, and fairly quickly upon deciding it has to be done.  When a woman is going to kill you, it reaches some insane levels of crazy detail planning and some really long term patience.  And we tend to like poisons in general.  Sometimes accidents, but we seem to have picked that up from the guys who often try to use accidents to cover it up and in a general sweep (or at least what cases they decided to feature) we really like poison.  Not suprising I guess, we know a lot about them in our day to day role as keepers of the house.  Very few women don''t know the dangers of the household chemicals and pest controls we use.
    Why do they still get caught?  Because male and female murderers share a similar thought processes again; most of them don't think or plan beyond the actual murder to what to do with the body and evidence. 
    I'll just not kill anyone and make my life easier both without all the time and mental effort required to plan and then physical effort to carry out and clean up and the jail part. 
    Still cold ridden, but Nikki fed me chicken soup, I have my plush turtle, my favorite Halloween microfiber blanket, this cushy recliner, my Ipad, and more episodes of Deadly Women to entertain me while my head feels like it weights a few extra tons.  I think I'll make it.   
    Tangent - this is why that commercial for the flu shot is so stupid.  They keep showing this commercial showing people missing out on life moments because they are sick, and they imply that if they had their flue shot it wouldn't have happened.  So while hopefully they got the flu strains in the shot right this year and I won't get the flu (because I got the real influenza a couple of years ago, not the stomach 'flu' or heavy cold 'flu' people associate with the word and I heartily respect flu now, and now understand why it can kill people) it doesn't save you from other ailments.  Colds, strep throat, GI infections, etc.   In other words, flu shot taken, but plush Mr. Turtle has job security anyway.   Don't show us a birthday party with a woman who looks like she has a cold, advertise how many people actually died of it last year (because they did).  I totally respect death statistics when considering if I should get a immunization.
    Get your immunizations folks, let's all live!
  24. Briannah

    Cold Weirdness

    By Briannah,

    Watching Unusual Suspects while waiting to get sleepy(Deadly Women auto qeued this) and I think the cold medicine is making me wonky, but the murder victim's name is Brianna, and despite it being a pen name, it's really creepy to keep hearing "And he murdered Brianna..."  Mr. Plus Turtle says he'll defend me though.   
    I'm not sure I like cold medicine anymore.  I couldn't take anything for years, most of it contains pseudoephidrine, and you can't mix that with the daily powdered asthma control inhaler I was on for years, so I just got used to colds and dealing.  Aspirin if my throat was really unhappy cuz I'm kinda wimpy.  But I don't have to take Advair anymore for like three years now, so I took the NyQuil pills Nikki offered me, and I just feel loopy.  I don't think I feel better, I think I just care slightly less that I don't feel good from the medication. 
  25. Briannah
    No one here will be surprised when I mention my need for information to make ANY life choices, small or large, and vacation is not an exception.  I really don't understand my head here.  Researching the options = fun and entertainment to my brain, but actual specific planning sends me into a tailspin of resentment for my time and energy being sucked into the process. 
    So I'm always reading new things about everything I'm into, including cruising, and I like to read those 'things I wish I knew" and 'get the most of f your cruise' type articles, and I did learn a few new things, like despite neither of us like fish Nikki and I are going to try a bit of sushi for the first time ever, we never knew that the Tamarind (one of those you pay extra to eat at places) has no extra charge at lunch, only at dinner.  So we agreed to try it, if only to put a stop to all the 'how can you know you don't like it, you never treid it!  Best place to try suspicous new things is on a cruise, where they will bend over backwards to find you something you like if you don't like the new thing.  It doesn't always work out great, on the Royal Princess i tried the cheese mousse.  It sounded okay on the menu...but on the plate in front of my I nearly lost my nerve.  It smelled like rotten feet, and it visually looked like baby poop.  Other people all around were me eating this thing though, so okay...but no, it tasted like my nose tells me baby poop would too.  I can't believe I ate that. *Shudders*
    So this article is all about getting the most for your money, and has 10 tips, and 9 of them I already knew and vetted, but the one I hadn't tried said that booking through your cruise will cost you up to twice as much, and you get less.  The author then mentioned three third party tour services that guarantee on time return to your ship (because that is one of the big things, a ship will NOT leave you if you are booked on a tour THEY sold you, but if you are on your own they will leave you on time because every minute over costs them thousands in fees at a port).  So I googled the websites, and started looking around, and that author must live in Colorado and have taken a break when they wrote this one point on the list to smoke somethine, because not only was there not more variety (Really, shoudln't there be more OPTIONS at least if these company specialize only in tours where a crusie just vets enough to keep its' passengers happy?) they ALL cost more.  Not one would have saved us any money, and it had LESS options, the rain forest we  are going to tour through the ship cruise in Puerto Rico (El Yunque) didn't appear in anything at all.  If I'm being kind I'm going to assume the author has possibly out of date information, and the cost trends have shifted, entirely possible if a service gets big enough with enough loyal customers they stop undercutting the competition to get started after all and start looking to increase profit.  At worst that author was going to sell us all out. 
    Follow up on that information, this world really is out to get us all. 
×
×
  • Create New...