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Briannah

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Blog Entries posted by Briannah

  1. Briannah
    I was scrolling around in the crossdresser's forum to get more familiar with the topics discussed since the more Nikki talks the more he 'fits' the category at this point in time, so I wanted to learn more to help him be his best her on those days.  And I ran into this thread, and it's surreal.  I understand all the view points, but I realize so many things.
    My insane life experience has made me uniquely qualified for this moment with Nikki and for once is a plus.  I believe I dealt with the 'confrontation' conversation thoughtfully, and firmly on the 'this thing you did is dangerous and scary and it's a real medical professional or nothing' angle while at the same time firmly deflecting him when he tried to lie again with a "I'm not here to be angry but I'm done with being shut out of my marriage and if I can't lie to you niether can you to me and this is safe" attitude I hope helped while taking as much care as I could to reassure him this was a conversation and not a lifetime decision or freakout. 
    Then I went to learn.  I read website after website.  This is 11 years after this other woman, and obviously there are more resources.  I am much younger.  I had brush ups before.  I had a life experience that has led me to a certain fluidty of life experience understanding.  My hangups and stuck points were completely different.  But I could understand both her views and the responders.  I had trouble with some of the responses on both sides of the issue.  Love in a case like this does not conquer all, for example.  Love is fluid like everything else.  And it is absolutely possible to truly love a person and be truly unable to live with them in a marital situation.  I have seen this play out, and know this as fact of the emotional experience of mankind.  There is an inherent unfairness in finding out this is a thing in your life after so many years, just as there is an inherent unfairness in having to try to 'cure' yourself of this thing or hide away who you truly are, neither of which are healthy.  Sometimes fair goes out the damn window and you are just left with what is. 
    I didn't realize how WELL I've grown until I read that woman's post, in much the same position I was in, and the responses.  And I realized that you can be in pain and fear and confusion, and never lose sight of the fact that you are talking to real human beings, and coming to them to asking them to share themselves with you to help you learn.  I think even the first day when I broke down in a crying frenzy to S (the only transgender woman I know for certain that I know who I could think to ask to help me understand and was so gracious and open with me on everything from what it's like to live with and helped me organize and prioritize what things i needed to know to start talking to Nikki about instead of bumbling around in the dark) I was already open to learning to deal with this reality even though I was terrified and wanted it all to just go away on day one.  I knew it didnt' work like that. 
    And the reception I got here was beautiful and helpful, and that was something I had earned by how i honestly think.  I didn't do a persona, I didn't try to make myself fit any molds to fit in, I had worked my whole life to be a good turtle, and apparently it's worked. 
     
    But reading that is so surreal.  And I can't imagine what would have happened to my delicate Nikki if I was more like that woman and less me.  So thank you everyone along my life from Grandpa to here, for all the learning and growing you help me achieve and continue to achieve. 
  2. Briannah
    I have a weird thing with cold meds.  I couldn't take any of them without risking a painful death when I was on my long term asthma medication, so I sort of developed a fear of them in general.  My brain makes important things habitiual so I don't forget when I'm half sleep or not paying attention.  So Nikki has to fight stupidly hard to get me to take them.  And of course, they are huge, my throat hurts, and damn near just choked myself. 
    At least things with Nikki are going great.  We've settled into a comfortable environment for everyone involved, and things are going swimmingly.  We're still sorting through my tendency to big picture everything and his to narrow focus, but communication has gotten really good and we're learning.  For the spouses like me that stay, it's as much a period of change as the person talking the dysphoria.  So many things change for me too, and you really have to keep sight of balancing the needs of both.  If there's a secret to succesfully navigating this as a couple, that's it.  And as much openness as is feasible for a couple.  I Know some wives want to be completely out of it, but I couldn't be like that.  The known is so much less terrifying than the unknown.  Being included not only supports him, but it supports me.  He's happier than he's been in a long time.  Here's hoping the therapist will keep that going.  
    And, of course, that i don't have pnumonia again.  If I don't feel significantly better tomorrow I"m going to the dang urgent care.  I don't have time for this crap.  I missed a gorgeous day!

    WEll sorta anyway.  It was nearly sixty degrees!  SO AWESOME! I went out to lunch with Nikki, and you'd think I ran a marathon.  Wahtever this is has seriously damaged my internal energy production.  And now the scary Ohio wind has kicked up, and is finally caving in the neighbors scary chimney.  That has been falling for years and no one did anything about.  Here's hoping it doesn't break my house or our shed we have in the side yard. 
  3. Briannah

    Switch flipped.

    By Briannah,

    Now I'm clam and zen, because NIkki is dealing with some really hard deep inside personal issues iwth his therapist, and he needs me to be okay right now.  So I have since righted myself and gone back to practical one thing at a time mode.  It helps that I see the exit from Hell Job now that they have hired and are training my supervisor's replacement.  So she won't be there to guilt me into staying longer.  Relatives have that power sometimes, especially since you still want someone to come to Christmas dinner.  Summer starting is helping me relax and just do what needs done so that I'm calm and together for Nikki. 
    I would take it all away from him and live with it myself if i had to so he didn't have to deal with anything but the fun stuff, but I can't. 
  4. Briannah
    So more talking occurred, and it seems that making moving the focus is pretty much the desired outcome.  Which will mean a lot of job hunting on Nikki's part, and packing/cleaning/repair work on mine.  And a discussion that I'm not overreacting if Nikki wants this to happen.  Now is the time we have to do all the preparation work, so that if things do fall into place we are ready and not having a financial crisis making this happen.  So Nikki got on board with my 'we prep now, since either way it will work out whether we go/stay" and we started today.
    The cons:
    Having to sell a house.  My paralytic terror that no one will buy this hosue and how to we afford two.  I know I could rent it out, but that is scary too.  LOL Potentially having to separate for a while, I live up here he lives there during the week.  Having to stay with my mom most likely, I hate being alone in the house at night.  Like possibly phobic level hate, still trying to work out what my issue here is.  Living in a strange place.  Even though I moved here from New Jersey, I spent summers here with my grandparents, so was already very familiar with the town.  This will be the first time in my life I move to a place I'm unfamiliar with. So much work to prep this place for sale and move. Won't be able to hop up to the Toledo zoo every time I get a whim. The Pros -
    One of my closest friends lives there.  Getting to hang out with her irl more instead of phone/virtual will rock. Distance between me and the last of my relatives in the town.  Lower mortgage payment, they got hit hard by the housing bubble bursting and didn't recover as well, so we have quite a few options that lower our overall expenses and open up more fun things. Nikki possibly getting a job with normal hours and not having to get up at o'dark of the morning. A larger city increases the likelihood of meeting people with common interests.  And if I'm remembering properly there was a trans group down there for Nikki.  I have to look that back up, I may be confusing it with the city an hour further down the highway. Shaves two hours off our annual summer drive to join the friends, and two hours off the biannual cruise drive.  Could possibly restore cruising to annual despite my not working.  Bigger population area means more pokemon in pokemon go.  (I know, I'm a goofy nerdgirl).  It's 45 minute drive to another group of our friends, instead of an hour and a half.  If it's still available after we sell this house they had a great house for a really good price. So obviously doing whatever we need to do to secure a new job for Nikki there and moving is in our best interests.  I just wish you could push a button and just be settled and done with it.  So many things can go wrong with this 'new life' idea.  He may not get a job, the house may not sell forever, trump may blow us all up, another back to the stone age storm could blow through the state.
    Wish us luck I guess.
  5. Briannah

    That weird moment...

    By Briannah,

    when you're browsing transgender oriented stores for your mate and suddenly are considering things for yourself too.   Is this something like what Nikki feels shopping on the woman's websites?  That this stuff is nice, I'm not the intended clientele, but dangit I want to wear some of this.  Then I trip over my own social paranoia like I'm not supposed to take these items and wear them, they're not meant for me, and then I realize wow, that is a silly feeling if the whole idea of embracing this new adventure we're on is that it doesn't matter who the clothes were meant for, only how the person who wears them feels.  Nikki is on an unholy quest to find me things he wants to see me in, after I (somewhat more timidly than I like to admit, behave dismorphia, embrace that Nikki finds me pretty and dress up for him) asked him if maybe the answer for my really awkward body shape and weight distribution might be found in these stores.  It never even occured to me before this to look.  I didn't close down Nikki's world, and for that he's opening up mine and maybe this won't help at all, but the possibility and looking at things is fun and good bonding with Nikki. 
    He's also threatening to take up sewing and waved an unholy amount of scratchy-type lace at me that will make my skin go crazy...I think it's supposed to be motivation to work hard on finding better clothing with him.  It also made me realize the last thing I ever sewed was my first wedding dress (made my own!) and how long ago that was.  Talk about skill atrophy.
  6. Briannah

    The germs have invaded

    By Briannah,

    Awake stupidly early.  Spent much of yesterday sleeping or cuddled up in the blankets next to Nikki who was watching movies after the meltdown.  So we're both on this new supposedly low dose blood pressure medication since we're minority's but consistently above the normal range.  And my camel status has been officially revoked to a degree that is crazy.  So between waking up at four am again or explode all that sleep and I feel really bad is not letting me get back to sleep.  And my voice is going under.  Which will make my job fun because I answer the phones.   Bree has a weird voice to begin with.  Add the dead frog effect and even Nikki has to really sort out what I'm saying.  
    Nikki working with me on what can be a marriage breaking issue that I didn't realize I was even carrying around has relieved so much internal unhappy.  It's funny how little we really know ourselves sometimes until the right thing makes us see.  
    Froggy Bree is done rambling weirdly now and signing off.  
  7. Briannah
    Okay, I did set ONE rule for the sexy time stuff.  (and teh same common sense financial ones that i live buy, but that is just even marital treatment).  If he is buying something like that for him, he buys something he wants to see on me.  (It's sort of an extension we used to have on video games, so no one was unhappy by not getting things they wanted and it was kinda fair, only he won that by default because they stopped making the kinds of games I like en masse). 
    Yes, I'm totally going to ride this train into feeling more appealing to him. 
  8. Briannah
    There is a seriously flawed cultural understanding of marriage in American society.  There is this collective assumption that every marriage functions the same, and our media reinforces that.  A giant wash of anything that doesn't look the same.  For a country of freedom we do that a lot, alienation of people who look different, behave different, culturally different, etc.  So much of this country really practices the 'freedom to be just like me' rather than 'freedom to be who you are in peace'. 
    But the things I have come up in through two marriages and...um...nearly 23 total years of being in a marriage (I'm pretty sure if I remember correctly I got divorced at around the five year mark, but had only actively lived in the marriage for nearly three so I get confused because the divorce was rather anticlimactic in the grand scheme of my life to be honest) that no one ever talked about or in any way socially or culturally prepared me is huge.  From the giant ones like mental illness(violent/aggressive - ex husband, difficulty functioning like everyone else me, my son), transgenderism (current husband), trying to navigate a healthy addition of a husband with a child, to small things like handling opposing wants, germs, boredom, and the day to day stress of close quarters living with another human being.  None of that really gets talked about.  Or maybe I just lived in a weirdly sheltered bubble.  But whenever my family, friends, coworkers, media, etc. talk about it they always play up all the 'pros', and gloss over or entirely omit the minutiae and human element of it all.  They make you feel bad if you're not living a Disney fantasy 24/7, which is ridiculous considering no one does. 
    We live in a country with a HIGH failure rate of marriage.  And I do have to wonder if a large part of that can be attributed to the 'don't ask, don't tell' mentality we have about a lot of things, not just alternate sexuality people in the military.  There is so much talk about 'defense of marriage' out there in regards to treating homosexual couples equally, but they're not really defending anything.  Really defending marriage would be to talk about it in much more realistic terms, not setting young people up with these insane expectations from it, and yes, discussing all the varied forms of marriage, including same sex, polyamory, polygamy, romantic marriage, lifestyle marriage, etc. etc.  Telling them the truth that if you don't keep working at it, boredom does set in, not because you're partner or you are bad, but because that is how humans work.  Teaching strategies for the curveballs instead of letting people flail around trying to figure out what to do, it seems like every time anyone in a marriage (including myself) gets tossed a huge curveball there is no coping mechanisms in place and a lot of flailing around 'I don't know what to do!"(and I mean a general sense of "oh, things happen, I feel this and have to figure out where I want to go from here' not a a precognitive ready for everything vs. this isn't ever supposed to happen I"m the only person in the world and I have no social concept what to do at all!).   And the 'roles' and understanding of gender in marriages does more harm than good too, roles should be based on the individual personalities involved not the gender, and there should be freedom to talk honestly rather than expectation of people as a gender, example: when a guy cheats post new child because he's feeling neglected and unwelcome.  Why doesn't he talk about it with his wife?  Because he's been taught to never talk about weaknesses or feelings, and she's been taught to view any talk of such things negatively also.  Stay at home fathers face a lot of nastiness, while stay at home mothers are praised.  But not all women are suited for motherhood, and I think honestly most men ARE suited for fatherhood, they're just taught our weird almost hands off kinda cultural expectation of fatherhood.  We as a society here are SO invested in wanting everyone else to validate our life choices by making the same ones that it gets really ugly for people who are different. 
    That 'defense of marriage' crap really bothers me.  Because we're not defending or promoting stable marriages, we're socially actively engaged in over romanticizing and cultural deconstruction of marriage.  The biggest threat to anyone's marriage is internal, not the gender of the married neighbors.  No one's lifestyle is threatened by allowing others to live their lifestyles, just their sense of being able to force other to be like themselves through legislations, media presentation, and social pressure is slowly being eroded, and maybe one day when we break past the legendary amount of things we don't talk about then a real defense of lasting relationships in all their forms for all people in equality like we talk about can happen.  And for the people who don't like a thing, they don't have to.  They don't have to embrace anyone they don't like.  But they DO have to treat those people with common civility, respect, and safety.  You don't have to invite the gay/ethnic/trans/religious/atheist/man/woman/children over for dinner and board games, but you do have to allow them to live peacefully and unharassed emotionally, physically, financially, legally, and socially.  It's what manners were invented for in the first place, so that people who don't like each other can go about their day to day live in peace around each other. 
    Yes, I came out okay, more or less on top.  But how much better could I have done if married women before me talked about the realities of marriage to me growing up?  If the only media shows that talked about issues like boredom, insecurity, jealousy, neglect, lifestyle erosion of affection, etc. etc. were the ones where someone ends up dead?  If we didn't try to erase people who don't fit the mainstream culture and instead taught a calmer 'not my thing, thank you, but good luck!' response.   Some people are exceptional and say early on "I have a potential dealbreaker, let's talk about this".  There were three in my personal dating history, but most of them tried to hide them until serious investment figuring once the emotional/time investment was made they could force me into accepting it.  One I took the out for, I couldn't romantically get engaged in it, but the other two I didn't and the relationships failed for the classic natural reasons, our personalities weren't right together.  The ones that hid it assuming they could manipulate me into dealing, they were wrong, even Nikki.  Nikki almost didn't come out of this okay because secrets and lying are a hotbutton for me, but I gave him a pass because of the realistic world fear of violence, not just fear of the relationship ending.  But one more secret or lie I don't know about? We're absolutely done.   But I think about how much craziness and marital strife could have been avoided over the years if there had just been an understanding that 'flaws' and 'dealbreakers' (of any kind, I'm not making a judgement on trans here, I know my audience here may be sensitive to my wording here so I want to be clear, by flaw i mean things like my temper and inability to get anywhere on time and general inability to organize at all) are as much of a HUGE determining factor of the day to day of marriages as the 'virtues' and 'dealmakers' are, and so are the basic wants and needs of each person, even if society deems those wants and needs undesirable.  It doesn't make them go away.
    The answer to how much better I could have done?  A lot.  I would have been a better person on the whole, and dealt better with my relationships in both a very real understanding of how to actually be IN them and deal with the things happening in them, to knowing when to say stop in a rational, positive manner, to realizing familial relationships are relationships and should be terminated if they aren't healthy way before things got as damaging as they are. 
    The past can't change, but maybe we can make the future change, and leave a better, more open, and more realistic expectation of marriages for those coming up behind us and less emotional trauma (and murder!  Discovery channel certainly taught me how often marriage leads to murder) for them. And more equality and less alienation because that persons marriage doesn't look like mine. 
  9. Briannah
    So now that I'm adjusting, there are some real upsides to being married to Nikki (specifically for me, or someone genderfluid in general).  I was talking to my freind Kate about all this and explaining why it was unrealistic for me right not to be able to attend her wedding in June adn she should give my spot to someone able to go (her guest list is really tight, and better she able to invite someone who could potentially enjoy it) and I thought I would put these things down here.  This is about the upsides for ME with the new things in our life. 
    - He's really learning to talk to me about everything, all his feelings and share his life experience with me.  I don't feel like I'm looking in the window from outside anymore, because the secrets are gone and communication and closeness has taken over, and I get more from him than most of my friends are getting from their cisgender spouses, even if it's taking time while he learns to share feelings that don't have language-thoughts ready already in his head.  Because he's learning to lean on me for support with his gender feelings, he's learning how to be there to support my feelings much better than he ever did, and he was already rather good at that. 
    - He's really helping me out with my clothing.  I look much better in general, so I feel better.  He has a much less biased opinion of me than I do.  And he doesn't mind my crooked face.  Gah, even taking about my face makes me stupid unhappy.  Next topic.
    - Nikki is studying youtube to be the official makeup artist of the house.  HIs art skills and innate talent suit him to this far better than anything I can do.  And I LOVE the feeling of him taking care of me physically like that.  SCORE!  And him doing it allows me to disconnect from my face and focus on the joy of touch and care instead of triggering what happened in the above point.
    - Nikki has awesome hair that I get to play with, and yes, it IS sort of like having that barbie head when I was a child, but getting to experiment and style with Nikki's hair is a LOT of fun.  I think I"m going to fill in the houses hairdresser position, although he's going to have to help me with some styles I like but am too awkward to do evenly.  He let me do his hair up similar to mine today with my newly re-acquired pony flipper (my absolute favorite hair accessory ever!) and he likes the result.  I wonder if he liked me taking care of him phsyically the way I like him working on me? 
    - The intimacy has some really fun perks.    But more importantly, doors have opened that one or both of our disorders closed to experiment with, because the increased emotional closeness makes it feel safe and okay.  And I've had fun exploring new things with Nikki. 
    - My skin is loving the lack of hair on his.  We've made great strides in that arena, and it's doing wonders for me.  Excema is awful.  Don't get it.
    - We're dieting together, which is making it better for both of us.  He's also really realistic about the costs of things, and is keeping his spending on things that he will outgrow as he loses weight small.  I know he'd ultimately like the breastplate kind of prosthetic, but those are really expensive to keep replacing as his body changes, so he compromised on the ones we have until he stabilizes down the road. 
    - He's going to therapy for his depression, and has stop putting it off.  YAY!  Happier Nikki is great for me. 
    - He's spending a lot more time with me.  I think he was so sublimating the stress and venting it in the cyberworld that there just wasn't much left for me.  But now that I"m included, and he's able to dress and vent off his stress that way with me and having me involved, there is a lot of time for me.  I'm really grateful for that. 
    - He understands and deals with my freakouts (I get anxiety attacks that this is the calm before the storm and he'll need hrt/surgery and our life will fall apart.  I try not to, but I can't seem to control that.  It will settle with time, I keep forgetting ti's only been about six weeks since my life changed), and works with me to overcome the brain-sensory input issues that crop up from interacting with him dressed.  I will never love them when I have touch them directly, but I have accepted the plasticly feel of the breast forms.  But I do much prefer to handle them under a bra or shirt, where they feel real and not creepy plastic.  There was a breastplate that advertised textured silicone skin instead, when his weight is more stable I might have to get him that for a christmas gift or something.   He's firmly supportive in that I'm not collateral damage or any of the worse terms, and that we're going to stay places like this forum and find a support group that is friendly to us as a marital unit living in the gender fluid world together.  I may be cis, but I do embrace his fluidity and am doing my level best to embrace and support it, not just live with it, because it's who Nikki is.  There are learning curves, but I'm doing well!  Or so Nikki tells me. 
     
     
     
  10. Briannah

    There be hope here!

    By Briannah,

    So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week.  So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday).
    We've had three.  No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less.  But I really want it to sell asap.  But that's good news, people are taking the time to go look at it, not just looking at it online.
    I really need this to go smoothly and fast, I need to move outta here and get back in my own space.  With my things.  Girl time for Nikki, he can't exactly do that here.  Alone time for me.  Logic and reason ruling the house again.  And my poor cat is frazzled, she's always trying to pet him.  She's a cat person.  But my cat is a one human cat, he only really wants to interact with me.  He'll tolerate Nikki's attentions, but he only really wants attention from Nikki he's angry and punishing me, he's always been like that since a kitten.  Didnt' want my son, Nikki, or even his sister to mess with him, only me.  So he's really not happy right now.  Poor little guy.
    Lizard, as ever, is chill and doesnt' care what is going on as long as she gets her food and heat.  Dog ​is happy that she's literally never alone right now.  Nikki's dealing better than me, but he gets more time outta the house, although I do have a part time job now for either a month or indefinitely, I'm so confused and different people keep telling me different things.  I'm sorta worried it's gonna last eleven years, since the last time I accepted a brief temp job through nepotism it did just that.  I actually temped for Nikki, and did so well at it that other people in the office asked me to come in for them, which lead to three days a week starting this week.  I sorta hope it's just the month, so that i can re-earn my savings to pay movers (the rains came, flooded, and broke the furnace and it ate up my movers fund).  If it's longer, I'll take it of course and do my best, to reflect well on Nikki, but dang I liked my happy vagrant housewife life. LOL
  11. Briannah
    Seriously, I'm getting next to nothing done.  *headdesk*  I need a cleaning buddy or something.  I just have zero motivation this week, even showering was a massive endeaver.  And, of course, I had a clumsy moment and forgot the dimensions of the shower when I dropped the soap and cracked my head but good on the wall.  The lovely headache I had for half the day so DID not help.  I honestly think I'm having some kind of episode, anxiety maybe?  I just have this...constant feeling of vulnerability and fear.  Everything is starting me this week.  Has anyone here had experience with anxiety attacks?  I've never had one without clear and understandable provocation (like in the aftermath of the robbery).   Is this that?  How long can it last?  A week?  A month?  Meh.  I just feel WEIRD. 
    I need to at least figure out motivation.  I have a million things I want to do and just...haven't.  Today is just about over, can't fix today, will fight this tomorrow.  Good night all. 
  12. Briannah

    Tired of winter.

    By Briannah,

    I'm tired of being cold.  I miss my pool.  I miss being able to just walk out the door and not worry about balancing what feels like a hundred pounds of clothing with my lungs cold-air reactions and Nikki freaking out that I"ll have an asthma attack.  I miss playing D&D outside in the backyard in our lovely screen tent (cuz wow the bugs in this area), sitting at night with Nikki at the backyard fire pit watching the flames and talking quietly about the life, the universe, and everything in the comfy zero g chairs, and the backyard barbecues.  I miss the smells of summer, and the colors. 
    I feel whiny tonight.  My life is going really well mostly, other than Yuriko.  Things are going really well with Nikki, we're slowly getting our house back under control from the chaos that ensued post surgery and long recovery period into the holidays and the flu epidemic, everyone is healthy again, Nikki starts therapy this week, I'm in talks with my doctor about getting a firmer handle on my own health, and we have awesome friends.  But I want all that and summer's heat too. 
    Bree was born for summer.  Here is the view from my backyard comfy chair on a lovely summer afternoon. 

  13. Briannah
    So printer died a horrible death, moment of silence for my little desk friend.    Moment over.  IT was a fast moment, it wasn't that nice a desk friend.  Nikki and I can't be without a printer, we use it constantly.  So I ordered a new one, and we went to Best Buy to pick it up.  Now, Nikki just got to order the components to put his new computer together, the same one we built for me around Christmas, only he gets it $100 cheaper because prices go down with time.  LOL  So he was browsing around the store instead of heading strait to the customer pick up (I'm lazy, I like ordering online and making them get it together and picking it up at the desk, it also cuts out any attempts to alter my purchase and lets me read and research off the website about the item).  So I'm following him around, and i see a display.
    There was a pair of vr goggles.  These are not the expensive Occulus ones (Thought they are powered by the technology)  I'm not sure what brand they are, but they are the ones that work with the Samsun smart phone and you can sorta clip your phone to them.  They're white, and sorta ugly.  But I was curious and I picked them up, and held them against my face to see.  It took a minute to figure out how to get the demo to start.
    The demo starts.  It's a car racing through a tunnel.  Okay, whatever.  It's sorta neat, I don't see what the big deal is.  Probably great for people who like car games.  Then it announces something about underwater, and suddenly I'm standing under the ocean, and a NINE FOOT great white shark is gliding across in front of me.  Like maybe two feet away!  And it didn't look REAL exactly, but it did look almost real.  The textures weren't perfect, little details clued you in.  You could tell it was a video game sorta thing, but the feeling that you were standing IN THE GAME was so strong, that as I'm turning my head to follow the shark, and the view did follow my head movements really perfecting the illusion, I damn near jumped a mile because inches from my face was another great white facing me directly looking back at me that I didn't know was there because I actually could not see him until I turned my head like in real life.  I can only imagine what my face looked like to Nikki, I really had to remind myself the shark wasn't real, but I might have jumped. 
    It was AMAZING.  I can't even describe how blown my mind was by those sharks. 
    Then it switched to a space battle, and it really felt like I was one of those forlorn figures in the window watching an epic space battle in front of me, and I was thinking about the lives of the people in those ships, and wondering if they would come for me for a second. 
    Then I was in a bloodstream, as it displayed it's educational opportunities for visual learners.  And I love science, so I was completely engrossed in watching the red and white cells drift by. 
    After I put it down, my first thought was to an article I had read where they are three dimensionally filming Egyptian tombs so students, and probably virtual tourists, can be 'in' them and see them 'firsthand', and how very much I would love to do that. 
    My mind was completely blown by how amazing this technology I really hadn't thought much about actually is.  So...that is what I'm going to be saving my small entertainment allowance in the new budget for.  Because I really, really want a virtual reality headset.  For gaming.  For exploring.  For feeling like I'm out of the house for a little bit in the winter when I can't leave. 
    There was a Japanese animation show about a video game that was played in virtual reality a while back, called .Hack//Sign.  The basic story of the game is something sinister is happening and a player gets fully trapped in the game, and the show revolves around the events of trying to save 'him'.   (Spoilter - it's a female player, but that isn't revealed right away).  But through the show you get glimpses of the players lives, and why they are there, and why they form the friendships they do.  And one of them is a girl bound to a wheelchair.  She doesn't actually play the game, she just walks around in it.  Never levels, just...enjoys the feeling of the freedom she doesn't have in her actual life. It was a really powerful storyline, and I'm reminded of her as I wore those goggles and what this can mean to some people, where it's more than a game or a teaching tool. 
    It's been ages since anything reminded me of the sheer potential we have as a species to create and expand our world, both outside and internally.
  14. Briannah
    Writing that was hard.  I tried to be overly articulate, and it was crap. I tried to write it like a report, and that was crap.  Finally I just freeform wrote it, fixed typos, and e-mailed it without reading it over and over and judging myself.  Writing it reminded me how scary a trip this all was, and also made me see how much progress I'd made.  I"m not angry anymore.  I'm still working on that full trust, but that takes time.  Admitting to my fears and problems with the things people have said to me wasn't scary anymore, it was just, this happened to me.  Do what you want with it. 
    I guess I really am doing as well as I thought, and writing a 'here is my story' helps me see it. 
    Off to bed now.
  15. Briannah

    Ugh.

    By Briannah,

    I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day.  Must get my innards under control and soldier on.  People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult.  *headdesk*  My timing, as ever, is incredible.  Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on christmases and thanksgivings, Dengue fever on a cruise...if it's  boring wednesday I have to work I feel great, if it's an awesome time to enjoy, sick as a turtle. 
    MEh.  *Slinks off to find some tums or something*
  16. Briannah
    Nikki's therapist, his younger than me, super healthy therapist, had a heart attack and passed away this weekend.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  She has been so helpful working everything out, and such a huge part of our lives (Nikkii's directly, mine through the effect she has on our life) that i just am floored.  So far Nikki is okay, but I don't know how this works for a patient.  If my former therapist had just died, it would have really messed me up, I can't even imagine.  And she was so sweet. 
    I know rationally that if we moved, a new therapist search was in the near future, and nothing we feel is anything like what her family feels, but the finality and suddenness of it is just stunning.  And of course now I"m worried for Nikki, having that taken away so suddenly can't be good for him. 
  17. Briannah

    Update

    By Briannah,

    So doing much better.  Yeah, that stupidly expensive Medcline wedge thing with the body pillow costs around $300, but WOW if you need some sort of sleeping wedge for a medical issue (I'm pretty sure apnea, copd, and some other conditions besides acid reflux benefit from the incline sleeping position) then I really really recommend this one.  The wedge is pretty firm and holds you up well, and it has a 'stuffer' pillow so you can change which side you sleep on (the other conditions it doesn't matter, only acid reflux really needs it to be left).  Also, don't get the cheater $220 version without the pillow to use your own, the candy cane shaped body pillow for the extra money is awesome.  It's really comfortable, the top wraps around you and stays in place amazingly, and the long side trails down to go between your knees for a spine alignment support.  If they can 'fix' this acid reflux and I can sleep flat again, I'm SO keeping this candy cane pillow thing.  IT's that amazing.  If anyone else here has my issues, this was completely worth the money, and going to pay for itself in a few months from the amount of medication I'm not buying now.
    So between the Gaviscon (works much better for reflux than the pink stuff, it really does not only neutralize the acid but creates a sort of foamy barrier that helps keep the rest of the acid in place) and the Medcline I'm doing MUCH better.  I've stopped taking the Prilosec (lots of potential side effects with long term use) entirely, and in the last week only needed the Gaviscon once.  I think I'm winning!  Feels good to win, but man do I miss my garlic.  I miss garlic more than I miss chocolate.  I have a serious garlic bread craving going on, but I'm not brave enough yet.  Food actually became scary.  Will this make me burn?  How little can I eat and still live so my throat isn't on acidfire?  IT's a weird feeling to be scared of food.   Not just nervous about calories or sugars, but actually frightened to eat at all.  I'm told on a forum I persused by other people with the condition looking for control information this is a fairly common reaction for those who don't have it under control, and it will fade away again with time.  You know me, research gerbil.   
    Still going to see a doctor to talk about this when I can, find out if something slipped out of place inside, some sort of hormonal issue (it all started with that months cycle, I really hope this isn't gonna be a cycle thing or a menopause one, I am getting close to that age), or what.  The websites all indicated even losing a couple pounds will lessen it, in my case I lost 15 and it got worse.  So I have no idea how to take that.  Maybe my stomach is just really mad and wants to digest me.  
    On the state of the Nikki: He's genuinely happy with his job now.  The utter lack of drama and actual ability to do his job and solve problems instead of just playing message tag with corporate people has done WONDERS.  He's putting in some long hours right now, but they use completely different systems than his old job and he's learning what he needs to know to master it.  It's amazing how much our life situations change how we feel and are.  I think its' done as much for the dysthymic depression as the pills are doing really.  so is having a more natural to his bio rythms sleeping habit.  Having all of that together is really bringing him back to his old self.  Which is doing wonders for us as a couple, and an education in how much when one spouse is not doing well it affects the other one, as I'm also doing dramatically better inside as a result of having a happy spouse again.   He bought powerball tickets cuz the jackpot is huge, and turned and asked me if we beat the odds and won, would I still wanna go to Florida?  And was all relieved when I said no, we'd just get a nicer house in new town than we could afford now because I can see how much he loves his job.​  But in 10 years it would be early retirement and this couple would be moving to my beloved Florida.  
    ​So life is good, house feels like an unending pit of work to try to get it ready for listing (that has slowed down as a result of his hours, a lot of the stuff that needs done now is things he is good at and I just sorta maybe understand how), and we bought a new car that gets really good mileage for all the commuting (and both our current cars be old and tired).  After much searching we found a good deal on a former rental car with only 17k miles on it.  Yay! 
    We did look into potentially getting a bridge loan and went to our credit union to crunch the numbers to see if we could afford to move now and just pay a higher mortgage until this one sells, but the first and only downside of using our credit union in our 15 year history with it cropped up, they only do home loans within the county.  Car loans are statewide (so we were able to snag up our great deal, with was 25K less miles and $4k cheaper than any available in my town, everything in my town has a weird expensive bubble) but we can't get a home loan for new town.  They offered us an equity loan to use as a downpayment to try to help, but managing THREE home loans at once seems...out of control.  We're going to research options with commercial banks, but I doubt it will really happen and we'll probably just stick with the original plan of being trapped here til it sells.
    Hope everyone here is doing great and making all your dreams happen!
  18. Briannah
    So since Nikki was gone all morning I called my friend M and binged like a madwoman on catching up and going over our recent marital issues.  It was a great reality check for me, I reacted extremely because my bond with Nikki was threatened by the unknown, her bond with her husband was actually severed by his choices(nothing to do with anything like what Nikki is going through, think really badly handled midlife crisis choices).  And then when he realized his mistake, now he suddenly cares and is trying to fix it after some really brutal choices.  And she's a great person to know, she loves you with a whole heart and is really honest with you.  I don't think of my life in terms of worst case scenario in general, but I realize we had a fairly easy and quick sorting out of the initial phase as much as is possible at this point, and am so grateful for that.
    And...I sort of floored her.  She knew from yesterday's face to face time friend we had a thing, but friend didn't tell M what it was, just that she might want to check on me, and shared some of the concerns L had about it based on my flaws and some positives they wanted to help me reinforce from my strengths.  So leaving from L's I texted her indicating I wanted to talk to her this morning and not do it on text again.  This is the kind of friendship we have, helping each other be shiny and overcome the dull spots, and L was worried she so emphasized with A she might not be getting me so asked M who is way like me but was in a healthier place with it earlier to reach out.  So M and I hadn't really talked closely in several years, we got busy with lives and live nearly four hours apart.  But it's the kind of friendship that you can pick up at a moments notice.  But she told me she was floored by how much I've grown, changed, and overcome my past issues.  Apparently L feels that I have more blame language than I realize, but also that I fully do not mean to be doing it.  So M said she would work with me and of course Nikki has agreed to point out if he catches any, but Nikki didn't quite feel that the comment I made that triggered L's thought was blamy.  So this is going to be hard improving what i don't quiet get, but I'm not dead yet, so I'll give it my best.  Cleaning emotional house with her was a wondrous reality check for both of us on where we are in our lives, and that it's okay to now know the best path forward and we'll figure it out together as we go.  We'll just never get to Cleveland.  LOL  We didn't get to Cleveland on the phone today either, but we did affirm our shared love of Nikki, and our agreement that her husband has a lot of work to do and it's okay for her to explore her feelings and decide if she wants to repair the marriage or not and owes him nothing until she decides either way.  I promised NIkki and I would make the drive to her in March, since logistically it's easier that way.  Offspring will care for my animals for a day trip, she doesn't have anyone for hers.  We're gonna catch up and eat amazing food.  Everytime we see M there is some new amazing food thing I can't believe I'd never had before.  She was the first time I ate Panera bread, Nutella, and a variety of other things. OMG Nutella on pound cake.  Just saying.
    An analogy I used to explain to Nikki WHY I want to be part of the journey and not just the destination, why confused and uncertain but shared is not only okay to me, but desirable.  He likes to go on a trip with the route mapped, a clear destination, and as little disruption as possible.  So it's like getting into L's car.  But I like the journey, that is where I grow and do my best adaptation as the situations go.  I once got in a car with M and we were trying to go from Toledo to Cleveland (I lived in T-town then) and we ended up crossing half of Ohio and back at my house.  But it was the most fun road trip ever the minute we realized we were both lost and just went with it and used the time to chatter and have a blast.  And we learned more about each other and forged a lifetime bond that we have both relied on during various disasters over the years than we would have with a smooth trip to Cleveland.  And saw some really weird crap, Ohio, you are weird.  I think I've finally expressed my feeling to him, which was vague and probably really confusing to him prior to this conversation.  He never did understand WHY I kept getting in cars with M and being late to...well...everything we ever tried to go to together. 
    M didn't know about my dismorphia, and feels like I crossed that last barrier of trying to hide things and so much she couldn't figure out about me is clear.  Adulting is hard, I want to just turtle. 
    So Nikki got home from Valentine's day, in full on boy mode to my surprise, I thought we were still in girl mode honeymoon phase, but okay, I adjusted my Valentine day cuddle plans accordingly and had a lovely morning with him.  No big deal, my entire plan was tailored to things he said he wanted from me, so I have them in reserve for the day he does want them.  I'm prepared!  We're going to see Deadpool in a bit, and it is only my deep devotion to making that boy happy that is getting my cold shell outta this house into the SIXTEEN DEGREES that Ohio has decided to grace us with.  I need more layers.  Deadpool had best be as funny as people tell me he is.  Cuz our theater doesn't believe in heat.
  19. Briannah
    So after the movie we started talking, and I realized that Nikki has made an extremely comfortable place for me in this.  Which is both wonderful and truly scary.  I'm included in his personal world where no one has been, and actively participating in the practical demands and the emotional ones.  I'm finally at the level of closeness to him that was just slightly off, and I had started to think maybe I had internalized too much social romance culture and didn't exist and was doubting myself that something was off as time went by and life was great.  He makes sure it all goes at my pace, and for me really sat down and examined his own needs and feelings to find out what they were.  His google fu when looking for something speicific is amazing and a skill I count on because I often want to find very specific things on the internet, but my ability to big picture and connect varying things that are related but not obviously so led him to a wealth of information about what is going on with him he didn't have access too.  While I had to redifine my understanding of him, he had to do it also, and we did it together.  We have a healthy balance of his need for me to emotionally care for him the way he physically cares for me, and him dong it for himself that I don't think we had before.  I can't even say how much positive there has been to me blundering into it.  I learned that the reason he indicated to me the first time that he wanted the hrt was he'd sort of picked up from people on the forums he tried a few years ago it was inevitable, and he didn't really have a clear understanding of it's effects himself until I was showing him my research that i did in an attempt to ease my negative reaction to the idea, and unfortunately strengthened it into a coherent I don't know that I can do this point.  Also I'm completely free to ask for either mode, and I did ask for girl mode last night so that I could use my vday plans I'd worked really hard on dangit.  That was the first time I asked for actual girl mode vs. asking to let me see him like that and adjust.  That was, I wanted to be with you like that and got myself into this mindset and let's fulfill our emotional romance urges together.  I don't know how much of that he perceived, but I think that is a huge breakthrough in my head.  And it let me go further in making my brain ignore the creepy outer plastic of the forms to try to give him a more natural full experience.
    But that's why it's so scary.  And I had this talk with him last night.  So many real voices I speak with talk about how it progresses as they go, and I do have real internal fears on a lot of things.  When I first started looking for places and tried to talk to real people instead of reading pyschological information, I was either mocked for my commitment to remain with Nikki (Support groups are so not supportive if they required a foregone conclusion of action to fit in damnit) or I was mocked for having sexual and emotional issues and needs of my own dealing with this.  And Nikki has a problem where he wasn't okay with either, but he's very conflict resistant and so started stewing.  Originally I was looking for him to guide me into this world, I didn't realize how much he'd jumped to conclusions vs. actual self-examination and was working under the misunderstanding that he'd scoped this all out and was just waiting for the courage to talk to me or the day I blundered into it.  That wasn't working out so great, so my I will find us someplace kicked in.  That is how I was the one to find this place and dip in first, that may have seemed strange to people, but that's our dynamic.  There is an underlying assumption between our personalities that i will always protect him.  The first clue I got when I arrived and started talking that this was the place was that no one thought it was weird or commented that I was the first to land, and people treated me like I belonged.  Even though I am cis, there is no part of what happens to Nikki that doesn't affect me and the supportive education I'm getting here on his feelings, mine, and all of yours is invaluable as we figure this all out and you all keep me on an even emotional keel so that I CAN even figure out what frightens me, what makes me happy, what I need to be able to make him happy (and I am progressing with the prosthetics, Nikki was beyond pleased last night).  You have all completely changed the coming out story in a truly positive way.   Just because I have the commitment and love for him did not mean I had to tools to even being to understand myself or him in this time.  And I really fear losing my comfortable place where I embrace just about everything that makes him feel good in both modes. 
    And then I did something I'd never done, asked him to fill a need I have that is as scary to him as the first time I went to see him dressed like a woman with breasts.  I think he's incredibly uncomfortable with what i asked (and it's NOT a trigger physical activity).  I've always been the initiator in sexuality matters.  Nikki is uncomfortable doing so, and the rare times he has is because I was so caught up in life and wasn't doing it and physical urges overrode his natural submission.  And it was a tentative would you like to...? sort of moment.  But part of my dismorphia that was cycling around for years unspoken and not even understood by me that his perceived lack of interest in starting that activity with me, even though rationally understood and accepted, was hitting my disorder in a very real way convincing me he didn't really want me, he only does that with me because I make it easily obtainable for him.   That was a terrifying moment for me, but I don't want him to hide from me, and since I had realized this in all this mess, I'm not going to hide from him.  It's all in for both of us or we might as well stop.  That being said, I don't mean he has to turn into a crazed maniac.  I think the proposed plan was he sets a repeating alarm on his clock for like every to weeks to remind hm to ask me to go upstairs with him.  My stupid brain doesn't need a full blown seduction attempt of the kind i actually enjoy putting on for him, it's sort of a really fun creative challenge for me how to reach and hit all his emotional buttons, which is why it kind of threw me that my Vday plan had been for girl mode and I had to come up with something on the fly. 
    This is a very comfortable and amazing place for me, despite the ongoing confusion.  And there is still a lot of confusion on my end, when I try to talk to Nikki about what being  a woman inside means to him, his answers are ALWAYS fixated on the physical aspect.  This is not a judgement on my part, please understand, but this creates a communications disconnect for me and a lot of confusion, because my physical parts are a biproduct of it, and I rarely think about them beyond trying to wrangle their health and convenience, fitting into the damn bras and not hitting my own damn face with boobs, sexual aspects, etc.  So now I'm left trying to understand if Nikki has just not developed that part because of his kind of emotionally stunting family and didn't have a period in teenage hood like me where he realized how much he'd missed out on and actively set out to learn it for himself, or if his particular flavor of the transgender umbrella is really his brain focusing for whatever reason on the physical aspects, most strongly on body hair, general body shape, and breasts, but it likes his boy parts and psyche just fine.  LIterally, he puts on the forms and bra, and most of the time wears his normal boy clothes and does what he does around the house, and the only thing that changes is the stress switch in his head is flipped back to quiet.  Am I trying to connect to and nurture something neglected, or is it something just not there?  And Nikki can't answer until he works on this and finds out for himself.  But that crystallized some of why I'm scared about the future.
    A huge potential problem is...Nikki and I really prefer the same kind of female, which he can't be in a relationship.  Which is way closer to me than him.  So while his tastes and desire for me present no conflict if transition is an inevitability he was originally led to believe (and I now now that the spectrum presents a lot of choice, and only with a lot of hard work will he know what his future life and needs will be like) that presents a huge emotional conflict and desire issue for me.  My tastes run to softer males and harder females.  I think if had been allowed to develop naturally, I would have been way more submissive than I am and acted on my inner taste for dominant males (I drool over Sabretuth, Snake Pliskin, Raislint Majere, etc.).  I enjoy dominant types.  However, my formative years being wired by a crazy man who hurt me over and over (met ex husband when I was 16 adn jsut starting out on the sexuality explorations and settings) made that impossible for me to ever trust and fully engage with in that with a man.  Nature v. nurture.
    And, let's be real, him being a mix of both together, often as the same time, really works for me on all the levels, emotional, physical, and connectibility.  I think I am going beyond adjusting into full on this is my life and I like it, and I don't want to lose this.
     
  20. Briannah
    Took Nikki's favorite cat to the vet, her purr has gone weird and she lost a lotta weight, we thought she had a respiratory infection or something.  Unfortunately, it's looking like something and not an infection.  They are sending her xrays and labs out, but the prevailing thought right now is that our kitty girl has lung cancer.    So not happy right now, and desperately hoping for a hail mary your local vet was wrong, it's nothing.  I know she's 14, but I'm just not ready.
  21. Briannah
    So there is a still a lot of work, I swear the cosmetic parts are more work than the actual structural parts, but the decaying and failing runners have all been replaced by new ones, that are deeper (the come out a but further, giving a larger space for the foot) with new pine runners.  Nikki did an awesome job, sawdust is everywhere (sawdust smells good, I forgot that), and w'ere ready to start worrying about making it look nice now.  I forgot how QUIET stairs are when they're not...well...ancient.  I'm really having to confront some internal senses of helplessness about changing things in a house and diy stuff that I didn't realize I had or the extent of which I allowed to hold me back.  I'm firm on the professionals only for electrical work, but the rest is negotiable apparently.  This has been good for me, and I think Nikki likes all the praise.   I helped.  Awkwardly.  And at one point AssassinFeline decided he was going to be a carpenter too, but we got him shooed away without bloodshed.  That's a victory! 
    Nikki is really good with wood, while I'm still terrorized about power tools.  In my small defense though, I was constantly given the message since I was small "Machines will hurt you" and I'm having trouble overcoming that lifelong conditioning.  It didn't help when my 8th grade metalshop teacher cut his finger off (not when I was in the room, it was a few class periods before mine, but still) and my father worked accident scenes with trains and used that to scare me to make sure I respected trains and the damage they can do. 
    Nikki didn't get the first job he tried for, but we're not giving up.    We had a talk with the people at this therapy place, and they recommended a second therapist who went to school with the one he was seeing and has a similar approach, so he's going to start seeing her when we get back form the cruise.  Like the day after I believe.  I think with the stress of trying to job hunt and move us it's better to have someone than wait, and he either agrees with me or is humoring me hugely. 
    I've started plotting out a deep clean as stuff vanishes into totes and boxes and moves to my mom's.  We might have to invest in new carpet for the upstairs, 10 years of cats puking is problematic, but I'm going to try to shampoo it first and see if I can't coax into something reasonable enough to present to buyers if we reach that point.  The weather has been fairly reasonable, I think Nikki is eyeing fixing the broken fence cracked by the falling tree from the neighbor next door (Yes, I know he should have fixed it, but he's a slumlord and sugin him would cost more than just dealing with it). 
    I've been dealing with my mom having a cow that my aunt new about our work to leave town before she did.  Of course my aunt new, she and I talk all the time.  Aunt is unpredictable and can be difficult without warning, but she genuinely is trying to help.  If he does secure the job, I was planning to ask her to come to Dayton with me and do the house tours, she has a great eye and is super nitpicky and notices EVERY little detail, great resource!  I'm sure that will give birth to a whole herd of bovines with my mom, but I don't have time to humor the fantasy land anymore.
    In one month vacation begins!  WOOHOO!  CARIBBEAN here we come!  *stupidly excited*  And the night before we get on the ship a guild mate of ours from an online game is in teh area, we're planning to meet up for dinner and have a bit of silly chatter.   It'll be fun to put a face to the voice in my headset. It's going to be a great trip! 
    So that is what I've been busy with, how are all of you? *hugs all around*
  22. Briannah
    Unfortunately, there will be a 2.0, as our friend's big trailer was unavailable, but he brought the 'smaller one' and we moved most of it.   So we're going back Saturday with him again (he's so sweet, volunteered to do it again for us!) and get the last of it.  I can't find anything, unpacking is really random, but it feels great to be here.  This town is amazing!  People are REALLY friendly here.  When I smile and say hello to random strangers they stop and strike up a conversation instead of looking at you funny and hurrying away like our last city.  And it's a pretty little town.  The house is wonderful, and we're slowly settling in box by box.  
    Nikki says hello to everyone!
  23. Briannah

    Wednesday musings.

    By Briannah,

    Went to the therapy place with Nikki, and I stayed in the lobby, but man it was relaxing.  They had this really zen music playing, and it was nice, and there was this pretty mood lamp next to me, and I was just mellowing out have a nice conversation with a lady until her appointment, then sitting working on a puzzle.  I really should have asked what cd they were playing, that was some really nice laid back music.  The couch was comfy.  And there was water and a coffee bar if I got thirsty. 
    Then lunch, and then we both got our hair cut.  Well, I got mine maintenanced, basically did what I usually do, a layered bob that is easy to control and puffs up nicely so it doesn't LOOK as thin as it is.  Nikki got an awesome choppy layer cut that looks great on him, and he was excited to show me how the front pieces hide the male hairline pattern.    He'd been giving me side eye all week since I sorta locked him into this, but I think he's really glad he went with it.  At the place I leaned over and whispered "This is a huge girl thing, relax and try to zen in girl mode and enjoy it!"  And still plenty for me to play with.  WOOT! 
    Now I"m trying to figure out what to do with myself.  It's an overcast day here, and that gray light literally sucks out my will to exist.  Now that all the planned activities are done, I find myself bored outta my mind and lacking the motivation to really do anything about it.  Dang gray lighting.  Back in astronomy class in high school we did experiments with lighting, and had to put our head in a box, and different lights were used in the box.  Full spectrum lighting made you feel awesome, the gray 'overcast' light simulator made you feel instantly depressed and down.  It was really enlightening how immediate and dramatic the responses were to the lighting I was exposed to. 
  25. Briannah

    Well, crap.

    By Briannah,

    So.  Since we both have tomorrow off, and I was feeling the joy of having time to get some things done, and its' a gorgeous day outside, we decided to clear off the porch of all the winter and home improvement debris that has collected on it.  It was going well when we were moving the cardboard boxes off the porch to take to the van when we found...kittens.  Yup.  Six tiny little kittens about twice the size of a gerbil.  Have I mentioned my neighborhood has a stray cat problem?  So we called around, and the humane society's foster program is full, and the rescue has a $30 fee per animal, and I frankly can't afford a $180 bill for six cats that are NOT MINE.   Both my cats are male, neither had kittens, and both have been neutered and i have the vet records to prove it.  They are feral strays, but young enough to be domesticated, if someone would take them. 
    So now I feel bad because the plan is basically let the mother take them and move them to a new location, and they will grow up and have more, and our neighborhood will continue to be overrun by feral cats living short, hard lives.  The average lifespan of a feral cat is 5 years, compared one in a good home at 15 to 20 years.  And they are young enough that they wnated to interact with us, and could be easily domesticated.  I feel like I failed them, but there really isn't anything I can do.  We literally cannot feed them every two hours like they  need with our job schedules, so taking them in and finding homes for them when they are weaned to normal food isn't possible either. 

    Sometimes there is no good answer.    And of course Nikki is sad that I won't let him have the one that looks like Yuriko.  But we have four pets right now, and we need to keep reducing the number, not growing it both for our financial changes and consideration of people who have to care for them when we travel.  I still feel bad saying no though.
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