Charlixoxo

So, I think one of my earliest identity issues was that I didn’t know I was transgender, and having had no real role models to look to, or internet to search, I made that big mistake of confusing sexuality with gender. I had always known I was different and I put a lot of these feelings down to being sexually abused by a man when I was younger. I made the mistake of feeling feminine rather than masculine and blamed that on my confusion around what had happened in my younger years. So, like others I tried whatever I could to repress those feelings, I abused my body by self-harming; something I began shortly after the abuse. I would burn, scold, cut and break as much of my body as possible, culminating in quite a broken body, both mentally and physically. Obviously, this couldn’t go on. Around 10 years ago I entered in to professional help, and spent much of the next two years learning to deal and come to terms with much of this emotional baggage. It was during this time that I began to dig deeper in to these ‘feelings’ and to explore what it actually all meant. Knowing now what I didn’t know until then was a massive sea change in my life and once I had learned to take control of what this meant, life has become a little easier. One of my major ‘revelations’ was that gender does not equal sexuality and this has helped me to move beyond my repressive behaviour and to live a little more at peace with who I am. Obviously like many ‘different’ social groups, collectively we are seen in a sexual nature. With the boundaries between a Crossdresser, Transvestite and Transgender being viewed as one in the same, when in fact, we are very different in nature and purpose. I think this is also why so many transition later in life, because we have yet to understand where we fit within the gender spectrum ourselves. Tests like the Cogiati are good in terms of helping those who are not transgender determine what it is about wanting to dress like a woman and what it means in particular to them. But for those who are transgender, it does nothing but confirm our beliefs. The Cogiati is, I guess similar to the multitude of quizzes you find in certain womens magazines or online. But for those of us who have known all along, it does nothing valuable, it’s not a diagnosis, or likely to influence us to who we are. In fact I have spoken to a number of post-operative Trans who, when taking the ‘test’ have come out as Androgynous, so it should never be taken as a definitive diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. So I guess, my main point is that, it’s ok to be different, but only you will know how different you actually are. Love C.xoxo

May 2017Ok so I meant to begin this way back at the beginning of the year, but like most things we plan to do and keep putting off I now find myself in May and only just sitting down to begin this.So I should start by outlining what this diary is about. Over the next seven months I intend to update on a regular basis my progress not towards transition but towards being a healthier and contented self.So where am I now? Well some of the things I had done or started in the past are: ·Ears pierced – Done [April 2007]·IPL (Laser Hair Removal) – In Progress [Started with professional IPL in June 2008 and ongoing with home kit intermittently since}·Legal Name Change – Done [February 2008 to a more generic androgynous name]·Social – Done then Not Done [Not been out since around 2011. I put on heaps of weight, lost confidence, changed jobs, moved Countries blah blah blah]·Stop Self Harming – Done, but still get the urge to at times, which I always try and move past. Some days it’s easy, some days not so easy, but still no longer cutting, burning or trying to damage myself in any other way.·Take a Skin Care & Beauty Night Class – Done and learned heaps. Strongly recommend doing one if you can·Fashion Design/Dressmaking Night Class – Done and still makes heaps of dresses these days as well. Even taught my daughter how to sew.·Stop Smoking – Done {15 years and counting]·Stop Drinking Alcohol – Done [11 years and counting]So that is where I have got to. The hardest part now is getting my body in to some shape or form that doesn’t repulse or depress me when I see it in a reflection or a mirror.This is where this diary now comes in. Three weeks ago I began a Paleo diet which basically means that the only food I can intake is as listed below, this means no bread, no dairy, no chocolate, no pizza, mmmmmm pizza.Paleo Diet Meats·Turkey·Chicken breast·Steak·Bacon·Eggs (duck, chicken, or goose)Paleo Diet Vegetables·Carrots·Cabbage·Peppers (all kinds)Starchy Vegetables·Sweet potatoPaleo Diet Oils/Fats·Olive oil·Grass-fed butterPaleo Diet Fruits·Apple·Blackberries·Blueberries·Lemon·Lime [particularly in water to drink]·Raspberries·Oranges·BananasSome of my own diet staples are lemon and ginger tea, peppermint tea and chamomile and spearmint tea. I also drink heaps of water and sometimes for a treat some Pellegrino sparkling water. Sweet Potato chips and eggs are a huge part of my mix as well, coupled with lean meats. I also as a guilty pleasure often make a gluten and dairy free banana bread with cinnamon sugar top. It’s not exactly fat free but everything in moderation Eating OutEating out should not be as complex as you would imagine. Basically if it has bread, pasta, wheat or dairy, you don’t eat it. For example, breakfast out means scrambled egg, bacon and/or sausage. Lunch could be anything really, Dinner likewise. Spring or still water is also good and I have found that it keeps you palate clean for tasting the food as well, which is a pleasant change. Also forces you to think about what you are eating and I have therefore stopped eating junk food, not that I would eat a lot of them anyway and I tend to eat very little fried food, with most of it grilled.Fitness/ExerciseGym wise, I try and get there three times a week, and do a steady 40 minutes cardio session of cross-trainer, static bike and either treadmill or rowing machine. I have knackered knees so the less impact the better and although the cross-trainer can be a bitch at times it does work and I always feel better afterwards. I’m fortunate that I have a training partner in the form of my wife, so if either of us is less than excited about going, at least the other one can drag you along. Honestly it does work better if you have someone to train with, even if you are ignoring each other whilst you listen to your tunes and sweat profusely lol.Going Full TimeI get asked this a lot, "Am I full time". It's always a hard one to answer so I will attempt to do this here.In 2008 I was on the verge of transitioning, I had legally changed my name, lost a hell of a lot of weight and was generally presenting on the cusp. Very androgynous in the way I dressed and looked.However, around this time I became very ill, suffering from Chronic Pain and spent the good part of 2 1/2 years on high doses of morphine and weekly clinical psychology sessions.It obviously made my relationship stressful with my wife and thankfully we are very much closer now than we have ever been. Due to being ill, having young children, losing my job and working through some childhood trauma, I was just not in a position to begin to present as a woman and begin the journey through to GRS.What I had done though, and continue to do so, was to stop pretending to be something I wasn't. The name change helped with that. I was no longer a dual person with both a female and a male name and so it allowed me to be who I am today.People can physically see me for what they want, but what they get in terms of my personality, is just me. The person who I am on the inside, is now what people get to see on the outside.Of course I would love to have GRS, and the need to present more and more as the woman I am continues to cause me great consternation and pain, but if you ask me 'am I full time', I guess my answer is yes I am, you just wouldn't know it if you looked at me.More to follow............