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Blackangel

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  1. Blackangel
    You might think I'm exaggerating. You might think I'm fantasizing. But this isn't a fantasy. Nor is it an exaggeration. This is Hell on earth.
    When I was in my junior year, I started noticing people in the town I went to school in acting strange when they saw me. I at first thought they realized that I would just as soon stomp them than look at them. I thought they would finally back off and leave me the * alone. I was more than off.
    Apparently, someone in school had gotten the bright idea to start spreading rumors that I had an assault rifle and said I was going to open fire at graduation and set up bombs at prom.
    Excuse me? What?
    Ok lets get one thing straight. I'm not a lunatic. I can act like I am in jest, but I'm not. Give me a little credit here. If I had inclinations to do something like that, how stupid would I have to be to announce it first? I may not be the president of Mensa, but my IQ is still bigger than my shoe size. Second, I had no idea how to even build a simple pipe bomb. My experience with explosives was Black Cats. Third, where the hell am I getting this assault rifle they want so badly for me to use?
    The bullying had been nuclear since I moved into the district, but I was the one getting suspended for it. Which caused the beatings at home to become worse, which in turn caused me to be even meaner at school. But that's irrelevant to this.
    The night of prom, I thought it was still 2 weeks away. I was at a place that I volunteered at. I'm standing there behind the register, and I see someone coming down the stairs into the store. I go to say hello, and it turns out to be a cop. Now this store is not the type of place you will find a cop. It's a hippie type place that isn't really favored by the local law force. So I'm taken aback a bit by seeing him. He comes up to me and asks if I'm Jared. I was like "Uhh....yeah." He then proceeds to ask me what my plans are that night. I told him I was picking up my girlfriend and a couple friends and we were going to go out to a local dance hall called Good Time. After that we were all going home and going to bed as it would be 1:00 in the morning. He asked if I had any other plans. I asked him if he had * in his ears, and that I had just told him my plans. Then I asked him why the hell he cared. That was when I found out about the bomb threat. I know in a small town things can get boring, but is this really what it has to resort to for entertainment? He then said he peeked in my truck and saw some bullets in the console. I was like "your point?". He asked if he could search my truck. I asked for his warrant. He didn't have one. I told him bring a warrant and he could search it all day. He asked me why I said no. I told him it was because I was through letting the cops harass me ever second of the day. I literally couldn't go anywhere at the time without one of them tailing me. And Gods forbid I get within 20 miles of anywhere that sold guns or ammo. I eventually started taking wild courses through neighborhoods, and off roads to lose them so I could get a few moments peace. If they had been up my butt any further, they would have been sticking out my nose.
    The reason there were bullets in my truck was because it was close to deer season and I had been at the range with my rifle.
    I had no idea where prom was even being held, but was warned that if I was seen near there I would be detained. FOR WHAT? DRIVING? If I fart are you going to arrest me for chemical warfare? I laughed in his face and told him he couldn't arrest me for being in the vicinity. Being in the vicinity of Auschwitz does not mean I'm Adolf Hitler.
    By that point I was beyond livid. I called someone up to relieve me, and I went in the back to try to settle down. One guy bought me a bottle of tea, and talked me down. I'm not going to lie, I wanted so bad to deck that cop. After I was able to talk without screaming I explained what was going on. He was white as a sheet when I finished. He offered to go on record on my behalf, but I told him it wouldn't do any good. In a small minded town, anyone different, with different beliefs, is a target. And it doesn't matter how many people go to bat for them. They're all going to strike out whether they hit the ball or not.
    From what I heard, parents from kids in every grade were calling the school wanting to know if it was safe to send their kids in. My supposed "aunt" was the secretary in the office, but she didn't help the situation. When they asked if she knew me, she admitted that she had known me my whole life and that she was my aunt. But she also volunteered that I was a weird and disturbed child.
    Thanks.
    That was halfway into the year. That was also when I dropped out. I heard that at what would have been my graduation there were undercover cops there. Obviously nothing happened, or I wouldn't be typing this. I honestly did consider making a speech about bullying there, and then putting a bullet in my own head after letting them know that they drove me to it. Once again, obviously that didn't happen either.
    Here's the kicker that makes me sick to this day. After I dropped out, I vowed to never go back to that town for any reason, and I have kept that vow. But when nothing happened at graduation, a new rumor formed. 
    I never specified what graduation I was going to shoot up or which prom I was going to bomb.
    So for the last 20 years there have been undercover cops at every school function. Specifically graduation and prom. And they move prom every year so I have a harder time finding it.
     
    I would love to let loose with a lot of words that aren't allowed, because I feel like it would help me blow off some steam. But I would rather be allowed here in somewhat decent standing, as opposed to five minutes of posting a hundred vulgarities and being banned.
     
    This is part of why it was easy to be clinically diagnosed a sociopath. Because after treatment of this caliber, human life has grown to mean absolutely nothing to me. I won't go into detail about what actions I would take in certain situations, but rest assured, the diagnosis is spot on. I'm more misanthropic than anyone can know. I've gone numb anymore. I'm willing to offer my thoughts, and I mean what I say or I wouldn't say it. But those words are invalidated when applied to myself. I've become a cutter, just to feel something. Anything. I love seeing the blood well up and start running down. I have all kinds of scars on my arm. Sometimes I even rub salt in the wound.
    When you've got nothing, and never had a chance, you take what you can get. And all too often, it's still nothing.
     
    You can only fall so far, before there's nowhere left to go.
    Times up.
     
     

  2. Blackangel

    My Family Is Beautiful

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I'm not sure what is making me post this blog entry, but I just have to.
    I want to talk about my family. There are 6 people. That's all the family I have.
     
    I'll start with my wife, Adrianne. She found me when I was just a couple months clean. She has done more for me than she honestly should have. She takes care of me in ways that I never could have thought someone would. She has been my rock for 17 years come October. She supports me in everything I do and everything I am. i have helped her a tiny bit too. I've helped her gain some confidence and self respect, and she now knows how to say "no" and how to stand up for herself. I couldn't live without her.
    Next is my best friend. I talked about her in the blog post about her saving me from my racism. I'll stick with the name I gave her there. Lauren is my savior. I wish I knew how, but she ended the racism that I had fought for literally decades. She is shy, but still amazing. She always checks in to make sure I'm doing good, and I make sure she is ok as well. I've never had a friend before, so it still feels alien to me to say that I have one, even though we have been close for over a year at this point. What can I say other than Lauren is a godsend. Or maybe more appropriately, Goddess sent?
    Now we have to talk about my other family. They aren't blood, but they are my family. They are a Hispanic family and they have gone beyond friends to family that means more to me than blood. The mother and father I call my brother and sister. A little weird for a married couple maybe, but I don't care. Their son and daughter see me as their aunt Jennifer. Their mother specifically told me that. And I see them as my niece and nephew. They have been the kindest, most loving people I have ever met. During the last presidential administration, I was terrified that they were in danger simply due to their ethnicity, despite them all being American. Sure, they've been to Mexico and spent a good amount of time there, but that doesn't mean they aren't from the states.
    I was even able to ask them to pick us up some dog food when we ran out and our car wasn't running as well. Obviously I paid them for their time and for the food. But no one else would have done anything like that. Not even Adrianne's parents. Adrianne's mother actually told her that we "should have Beaner and Clover killed" because we were getting a bulldog. Those were the exact words she used. I was enraged when Adrianne told me about that. I haven't let her see Lady in years, because the last time she was around her she actually terrorized her. She would chase her around their house shaking a can of pennies at her. Pitbulls are scared to death of loud sounds. And the pennies scared her. After I found out about that abuse, I said never again. That was about 3 years ago, and they haven't seen Lady since.
     
    I never had a family growing up. I had biological links to several people, but no family save my paternal grandmother. Now I have 6 people who are family. I've been homeless, abused as a child, fought addiction, and mercilessly bullied to name a few things. Now I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, family who cares, a woman who loves me, and even a few luxuries. Despite not having a lot of money, I consider myself extremely wealthy.
     
    With all that considered, what more does a person really need?
  3. Blackangel

    Another disease to add to the list

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I've had an open sore in my armpit for about 2 months now. Dermatology has, until a couple days ago, been unable to explain it. Finally I saw a different dermatologist, and was able to get a diagnosis. I have an autoimmune disease called pyoderma gangrenosum, or PG for short. It's a disease that attacks the skin and opens up ulcers that are extremely painful. Having had to experience it, I can definitely say that they are painful. If I move my right arm at the shoulder, it feels like the skin is being ripped apart. The smell is like a rotting body. It is constantly oozing fluid. No bandages stay on with it being in my armpit, and the hole keeps growing. Surgery and stitches are out as apparently, they would only make the situation worse. So on top of muscular dystrophy, missing brain matter, asthma, chronic migraines, and a whole host of psychological issues, now I get to add this to my resume. And I'm also at this moment (7-1-21) battling a chest cold from the foulest layer of Hell. Can something please just kill me instead of piling more crap on top of me? There's only so much a body and mind can take, and I'm at my limit. Let me break a bone or something. Don't give me another damn disease. If I get diagnosed with another disease, my body is probably gonna say "Screw this. I'm outta here."  It's starting to seem like the only thing I don't have is hair. I was numb before, but for the love of the Gods, give me a break, PLEASE.
  4. Blackangel

    The worst day of my life

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    My pitbull Lady had to be put down today. It still hasn’t fully sunk in yet, despite the fact that I’ve been bawling my eyes out all day. I wish it had been me who died today instead of her. I want to die. Life’s not worth living without her. She was my goddess. My heart and soul. I fell in love with her the instant I saw her picture online all those years ago. It’s been more than 10 years, but that was still not enough time. I’m going to find the best portrait artist in the country, and get her tattooed on me, with some of her ashes mixed into the ink. I know how to make jailhouse ink, so I’m thinking of giving myself a couple tats. I also know how to build a tattoo machine. I wish I knew exactly how old she was, but being that she was a rescue, and full grown when I got her, I honestly don’t know how old she was. I wrote something today, but at the moment I’m on my phone, which means I’ve probably made 40 typos and other screwups by now. If I can remember to, I’ll post what I wrote. It’s swear free, but like all my writings, dark. Depending on how you look at it.
  5. Blackangel

    Education is all but illegal in America

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    Where did we go wrong? How did we devolve into such a state that simple education is threatened by bigots? History and science are all but gone from the entire curriculum. Kids today will have no clue what a chromosome is, or what the civil war was. This is one of the most sickening times in recent American memory. There was even a man who wanted to eliminate math for being “woke”, whatever that is. When I was a kid, they didn’t hold back. They told us what American history was like. And they didn’t use any tact. Now the mere mention of slavery and the civil war is cause for immediate firing and huge fines. It seems that we’re the only ones that are ruled by cowards that are so fragile that they will completely collapse over anything that could possibly make them uncomfortable. I don’t see this kind of fascist 🤬 happening anywhere else. At least not in the civilized world. I want to puke up stuff I ate when I was 6. This 🤬 enrages me so 🤬 bad that I want to throw out the most vicious vulgarities imaginable. At some point I’m sure I would even end up creating a few new ones.
    They want us to be both ignorant and stupid. This is what the “greatest country on earth” is doing to its citizens. This is the freedom we brag so heavily about.
    I’m ready to move to a shack in Saudi Arabia or North Korea where at least I know that I hold no value. Not somewhere that tries to cover it up with lies and full on deception.
  6. Blackangel

    Satanism Is Actually HEALTHY

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I am Satanic. I'm also Hellenistic, but we'll put that aside for this discussion.
    I'm a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple (TST). TST itself is a very active "church" if you will. We host protests and petition for religious equality and bodily autonomy. You have probably heard of the protest to place a Baphomet statue alongside the ten commandments monument on the grounds of the state capitol in Arkansas. Our view was that if one religion had the right to erect it's monument, then all religions should have the right. The backlash was huge, but our goal was achieved. It brought attention to the situation, which is all we wanted. Also in Scottsdale Arizona they have refused Satanic invocations at city council meetings but allowed Christians to give prayers at the meetings. That's another fight.
    We have our 7 tenets, the same way any religion has it's views.
    1) One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason. 2) The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions. 3) One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone. 4) The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own. 5) Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs. 6) People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused. 7) Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word. We believe that every individual should strive to be the best person they can. Sure most religions do, but many do not adhere to that. Valerie Tarico of Salon wrote that the tenets were egalitarian and "truer to the words of Jesus Christ than most Christians," referring to the tenets as expressing the primacy of compassion and empathy and conducive to a path to equanimity.
    We disagree with other Satanic organizations, and have been slandered by some. Our spokesperson is Lucien Greaves. He is the one to look to if you have questions. Also anyone who has Hulu should check out the documentary Hail Satan? as it's a great insight. You can also check the website as it gives a lot of insight to our activities. There's so much in our organization that I think a lot of people would consider joining if they only knew what it was. I'm not seeking conversions, just enlightenment's.
    I am a better person because of being Satanic. It has helped me reach an understanding that otherwise I never would have thought of. It has made me a stronger woman. I'm able to be the woman I am because of the teachings of Satanism.
    Below are a couple pics of actual billboards that we have put up.
     
     


  7. Blackangel

    I wish I was Cis

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’m so envious of cis people that it’s about to make me cry. They were born correctly, whereas we weren’t. We are the ones lucky enough to have had things go horribly wrong in utero. Cis people obviously have it easier, but more importantly they identify with their gender. They have the correct anatomy. As I said in a post recently, I want the uterus, cervix, ovaries, etc. The woman who has that is making me green with envy. I hate being halfway to who I should have been. By that I mean my mind and brain are entirely female, but my body is male. There are psychologists that believe a possible reason that could explain gender dysphoria is that, in utero the brain literally develops as one sex, but the body develops as the other. It’s an interesting theory in my opinion. But it doesn’t help anything. I still have the wrong 🤬 body. I wish science was advanced to the point that there was a device that could permanently switch two people’s consciousness’s. So that I and a thansman could trade bodies so that we were finally correct. But that will unfortunately never be a reality. I mourn myself. Jennifer never existed in the beginning. There was only an extremely confused, angry, and all around miserable Jared. He is finally dead, and Jennifer is here but still no more happy than before. Yet, cis people are closer to being happy that I ever will be. They can go out the door and are what their body is. They don’t have to try so hard to be seen as who they are. I can’t go out in basketball shorts and a tank top but be seen as female. I have to wear specifically women’s clothes to have a chance of being seen as who I am. And a lot of the time it still doesn’t make a difference. I’m still misgendered. Often the people who are misgendering me are doing it intentionally. Simply because they’re bigots who want to be an 🤬 to try to show some fake superiority. I’d rather be a crippled platypus than a crippled transwoman. This and all the physical diseases I have keep pushing my depression into overtime and I try to kill myself. I tried just a few days ago but, unfortunately, I wasn’t successful and am still here. If I was successful, Adrianne would be released to find a real man who is worthy of her, instead of being stuck with a half and half freak.
     
    I truly hate life. Everything about myself, I despise. I’m like Poe in that respect. Born in misery, lived in misery, died in misery. All that’s left is to finally die.
  8. Blackangel

    Slipped into the ninth circle of Hell

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I bruised my left lung about a week ago. The pain is so extreme that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Breathing is excruciating. Moving is excruciating. I have to sleep sitting upright because if I lay down the pain in trying to get up is so severe that all I can do is scream and fall back down on the bed. So I’m going to be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. Extra Strength acetaminophen has pretty much become like candy. My doctor is sending a scrip to the pharmacy. This pain is at the level of wishing for death. If I have to go check into the hospital, I don’t care what it costs. I’m going to fight them to make them put me in a medically induced coma.
    Or throw me off the roof. 
  9. Blackangel

    This is REALLY weird

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’ve been trying to form a smile today, but I don’t have the physical ability to do it. It’s been decades since the last time I actually smiled. It’s not that I choose not to. But I’ve always had my face in a blank expression, or an angry one. I honestly don’t know how to make that happen anymore. I don’t smile because I usually just don’t. I’m numb as it is, but I didn’t know a person could lose this kind of ability.

  10. Blackangel

    I’m Autistic

    By Blackangel,


    Blackangel Happenings
    I’ve debated on posting this or not for about a year now, and finally figured, what the heck, why not?
    So last March (2024) I found a place in St Louis that tests adults. So I scheduled an appointment and went in. The woman evaluating me ran me through a couple tests to get a read. We were together for about an hour or hour and a half. She made sure that I knew there were neither right nor wrong answers to anything that we went over. So while I was nervous I just went in honest and hoped that whatever happened helped me to answer a lot of questions.
    About a week later I heard back. Going by the DSM5 scale, I am autistic. Apparently, it was obvious to a lot of people that I knew. I had always known that I’m socially awkward, but hadn’t really thought that autism was the lead up to that.
    Since finding out, my whole world is seemingly different. Black is white, up is down, right is left, you get the idea. At least that’s how it was. I’m noticing things about myself that I hadn’t picked up on before. One of the questions it answered is why do I get so overwhelmed so easily, and why do I react so emotionally to every little thing.
    While it’s not surprising, it is still an adjustment. I have a friend who is also autistic, and she has really been a great help. But I have known she is autistic since we met. It was never a secret between us. She also knows things about me that little to no one else knows.
    I’m posting this for anyone struggling with the “What if’s?” wondering if they might be. Like I said it’s an adjustment, but don’t let it take over your life if you find out you are autistic. It’s just another part of what makes you who you are. We are still people. People who deserve decency and civility. We’re neither superior nor inferior to anyone. We’re still who we are, we just know a little more about ourselves now. I’m always available if anyone wants to talk. Sometimes it helps to talk with someone who knows and understands your struggles. Which is why I wanted to post this.
     
    But it’s nothing that should change anything. Just don’t let it jack up everything like I did. The moon isn’t made of green cheese. Wrestling still isn’t real. And monkeys are not plotting to take humans down….
     
    ….at least I don’t think they are.
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