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Jessicatoyou

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Blog Entries posted by Jessicatoyou

  1. Jessicatoyou
    Well, this week (today), took my first doses for HRT.🙋‍♀️😊.  Spiro and estrogen injection. Should have started one week ago, but one screw up after another delayed things unnecessarily.  First my lab results were not timely faxed from my PCP to my Gender Specialist.  Friday, Monday calls then finally Tuesday morning when they still weren't faxed I had to demonstrate what Jess can be like on hormones and they were sent right over despite being available since the previous Friday.  Then it was time to play with the insurance company, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the coverage, but hurdling more obstacles are totally unnecessary, but seems to me we're heading towards getting rid of the Docs and the insurance companies are taking that role more and more. Scary!  Well some additional things taken care of this week...,  Came out to my supplier and 2 clients/customers today, and have put out a call to a major one to do the same.  Have several luncheons with them next week and the time has come for "Jessica" to attend them.  I already know there will not be an issue. So....  100% not presenting male has begun today.  (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!).   Ahhhh, what a feeling😍
  2. Jessicatoyou
    The final day of the Event, even though I'm staying till tomorrow morning. Slept real late for me again (till 8:00) ; up and at-em; gotta make breakfast in time, and they stop serving at 11.  Got down to the lobby by 10 and sad to see so many people checking out and leaving.😢  So headed right for breakfast and was cheered up immediately!  Joined Andrea, who I loved and mentioned before, and her new business partner.  They do electrolysis and laser.  Spent an hour and a half talking, not about that, just girlfriend talk?  What I always dreamed it would be like talking to a "girlfriend", and she talked to me like a girlfriend.  I said before Linda coaxed me to get out and dance, well Andrea kept me dancing ...such a fun person😃.
    Workshops today were mostly geared towards families and the kids going through this.  Nice to see people taking the effort to understand but sad to see attendance has dropped quite a bit. Still hope a lot of families hold together and get much stronger through their difficulties; I believe strongly that family is the foundation of society. 
    Spent most of the afternoon packing , again I brought too much, much too much, next time I'll know. Only left unpacked what I'd need the next day.  Of course, just had to get out again, so I found the Solomon Pond mall, bought foundation primer from Sephora, and a new bra. On my way back, Starbucks for coffee, and almost time for Super Bowl. Freshened up and down to the lounge just in time for kick-off. Very few people there, a dozen?  Most were not connected to the convention, and you can guess what team everybody thought would get the trophy.  New England did, and I got my trophy, too. The time of my life, a meaning to my life.  One of those there was Cheryl, the Organizer of the First Event. And I got a chance to thank her for all she did for me.  I told her she must be proud of herself and should be, and we will see each other again.  ❤️  
     
     
     
     
      
  3. Jessicatoyou
    Okay, in my last blog I was about to close my business (November) and moved my "belongings" home not knowing when I would be able to resume presenting female if not only in private, but I did NOT purge as I had many times in the past. Hey I just turned 64😎, and there were many. Thank goodness😊. Since then, I have been dealing with a rather extreme life changing event, the kind that would cause anyone to reconsider if transitioning is the right course to continue. Well, prior to that I've had the opportunity to dress in private almost daily ( 5 out of 7 days a week) for two years, if only for short periods at a time. I've practiced make-up, the walk, the talk, the mirrors, the selfies, you get it, and I felt pretty confident that when I picked back up I would be ready to go. …..NOT!  😫.  
    Well, have the house to myself (for the first time in my life!, almost,.... my son's been hanging around some❤️,  Little more than a week ago I pulled the stash out from the boxes and dressed and made-up.       UGH!😩 . Thought this ain't gonna work. CALL IT OFF! What am I doing?????  I looked like an old man in drag!  
    Took a day off and reflected, …..or meditated? Don't know which,  but it worked. Haha.   Tried again, took my time.  Shaved my body, (yep, down there, too). Legs, armpits, chest, arms, back, etc. Eight days later only a little growing back down there;  just shaved again today. The rest no sign of hair returning yet. Have lived most of the last week presenting female in private. Still have gone out presenting male on occasion to take care of errands, like getting contact lenses. Haha. Was a bitch trying to apply eye make-up when you can't see your eyes without glasses!👀 BTW they work! The optometrist didn't have a clue why a 64 year old guy would want contacts, but she's happy and I'm making another friend!  Seems like everyone's so young these days and just wanna be friends 😊 .  So, back at the house, could actually see my eyes and face applying makeup, and with the aid of some "face-lift tape" I looked 80-90% presentable. ( FFS is definitely in my future).
    Today, went out.  I mean WENT OUT!  😍.  Put on my best outfit, made myself up, right down to my nails, looked in the mirror, and decided I was ready. Haven't done that since I was 20 something, and then it was at night!  Noon to two pm, ran some errands, took a drive, felt the cool crisp air. Nobody noticed and there were many that could have!!!! 😎.
    Came home, and logged into First Event to volunteer for the Convention.
    Jess,, feeling better ❤️ .
     
         
  4. Jessicatoyou
    Well, I attended my first Transgender Conference this past week called the First Event held annually just outside Boston. It is the first and oldest conference for Transgenders in the United States.  Arrived Tuesday night even though it started Wednesday and ran through Sunday..  I didn't check out until this morning, Monday.  I'll start my blogs, of which there will be many more about it, from the end, because today could not have been made possible without my experience during the past week. I've been planning  this for several months and without any doubt it has met my expectations and far exceeded them.
    Woke up this morning about 7am well rested for the first time since arriving, .My bags were mostly packed except for what I planned to wear today, my make-up,, and some other incidentals.  The male "façade" I have been putting on most of my life  had not seen the light of day since Friday, Jan  25. Got dressed and ready to head home, AS JESS, by 10am, checked out , and went to breakfast at  the conference center, which has been a ritual since I arrived.  When I was done, got in my car, and saw it was gonna be 65 degrees and sunny today.  Now I came here in another snowstorm, and the temperatures dipped below zero all week. So, instead of heading west to go home, I decided to head east to the coast of New Hampshire.  First I stopped at Starbucks to say so long to my new friends and I'll see them next year. Then I went to Sephora, which was about fifteen minutes from the hotel.  I had missed the workshop they had at the convention because I had to run back to NY Friday afternoon for my first therapist appointment. I went to Sephora here already once before to purchase a foundation primer by " Smashbox ",  I had learned of at another workshop. This time I was hoping to get a full make-over.  She explained I needed an appointment for a full make-over which was free with the purchase of $50 of cosmetics.  She could do just foundation, or eyes, or lips without an appointment. I explained that make-up was very new to me, didn't have much of a clue what I was doing, duh, and if she could do the foundation that would be really, really great!!   So she did and it came out really good.  They have this monitor gadget which matches the skin tone to the make-up shade. Also product for eliminating beard shadow, which is great.  I've already gotten pretty good with my own make-up but this was well worth it.  Bought about $175 worth of cosmetics but if she showed me the eyes, too, I would have bought more. Still bought a shadow palette and a mild scent perfume, too.  Oh, and another woman came up to me and told me how she really loved my boots! 😍 That's been happening to me all week long.😊
    After that, onto the Coast!  Now, I love the New Hampshire Coast. Have vacationed there every year for over 30 years; proposed to my wife on a "very special rock" at the ocean when I was 32 years old, and funny but always day dreamed what it would be like for Jess every year we went.  Perfect drive, listening to Syrius classical music in the car, Beethoven, Haydn,, Brahms  on the way.  Pulled up to the seawall, got out and looked out over the ocean for about half an hour.  I asked a woman walking by to take a picture of me from my cell phone and she was happy to, with the ocean backdrop. She said if I didn't like how it came out, she'd be happy to take more!  Afterward walked down to that rock and sat for a while more watching mothers and kids looking for treasures under the rocks. Then drove up to Portsmouth and around 5pm back down to my favorite restaurant, The Old Salt, at Lamie's for a Seafood Dinner.  I was treated like royalty!!  Well 6:30 pm time to head back, now about a 4 hour drive, all the way listening to Classic Zeppelin, Yes, The Who, Leonard Skynard, Jeff Beck, etc, to keep me awake (blasting).
    The one and only downside to the last ten days?  I don't want to go back to the "male façade" anymore, it's actually depressing me now and I don't think I've ever been "depressed" before in my life.  Gonna have to do something about that; I don't like it.  Much, much more...….
    Jessica💇‍♀️
        
  5. Jessicatoyou
    Last week I had an opportunity to attend my second Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania; having only attending my first just 8 weeks earlier in Boston.  I hadn't really definitively planned to, but another TG member offered to share the cost of accommodations at the Convention Center and the schedule fell in line with my planned travel from Florida to NY.  My first Event, in Boston, appropriately billed as The First Event, was a big test for me.  Having preparing for many years to step out in public as Jessica, but never having actually done that, I wanted to see my comfort level in presenting authentically for a continuous and relatively prolonged length of time.  My first time going out in public was 3 days prior to the start of the convention and I remained Jess continuously for 10 days after.  That experience met and exceeded my expectations;  it was like falling back into a huge, plush, sofa that  I just didn't want to get up from. Well, responsibility always calls, and you have to answer, but from that point on I really got into high gear with "living authentically".  ( using the term "transitioning" bothers me immensely in that it infers I'm becoming someone new, rather than finally accepting and  living as someone I've always been).🙋‍♀️
    So about 6 weeks after First Event, I was off to the Keystone Conference, aptly footnoted as " A Celebration of Gender Diversity".  One week earlier I moved into my new Florida home, living entirely authentically,  and now was off to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  I met many from First Event there and it was very special to remember their names and chat again briefly about how we've been doing since.  The icing on the cake, however, was the opportunity to share the Keystone experience with someone from the TG forum and having the time to get to know each other better as one girlfriend to another.  I really look forward to continuing that special friendship; my first as Jessica.
    There were workshops Thursday, Friday And Saturday during the day covering many topics;  I focused largely on those dealing with GRS, FFS, non surgical procedures, make-up, and the like.  All were very good and I learned  a lot to add to what I learned from First Event.  The dinner outings were also great, but I gained 4 solid pounds (Ugh), breakfast, luncheons and dinners throughout.
    Several keynote speakers for the luncheons and Saturday banquet were all right on; but the most significant thing I've taken away from the whole experience is that the overall public perception of gender diversity is changing rapidly and on the verge of acceptance.  We should be seen, not try to "hide" ourselves;  learn to be more comfortable out there and be our own "goodwill ambassadors" when in public for the community we are all a part of.   I will post more on specific topics from the convention down the road that should be of interest to those that were unable to attend.  Jess😍
     
  6. Jessicatoyou
    Wednesday was the official first day of the Convention, but not a whole lot was scheduled.  I woke early, took about 3 1/2  hours to get ready (which was record time for me at that point), and went down to the lobby to see what was going on.  Some people were just arriving, most were in their male persona, unpacking their luggage from their cars, all with an exuberant look in their faces and an excited attitude in their strides seeming so happy to finally be here.  I went to the restaurant in the Hotel by 10am  ( had complementary breakfast coupons)  and I have to say it was excellent in every aspect.  Simple, but very good on the quality scale and having been catering for 30+ years, I know. There weren't a whole lot of people having breakfast; some were obviously there for the convention, some were not.  I sat myself at a table proximity of another woman, a little younger than me.  My guess cis. We exchanged smiles and then she said to me that when she first saw me she thought that I was the actress from some show called " Mom and Me".  Then she kept looking thinking, no way.  She said the mom, not the daughter and chuckled.  I said I hadn't seen it but I'm sure I should be flattered, thank you.  She was just checking out and we wished each other to have a good day.  (Okay, another boost for the confidence just starting out this week even though she probably just forgot to put her contacts in that morning). 💇‍♀️                                                                                                         
    Finished up and went back out, and more people were arriving.  Met a few who were already settled in; many were part of the organizing staff, and one in particular I met was Cheryl. I would come to realize her to be one of the most awesome, genuine people I have ever met in my lifetime; the type of person that when you grow up, you want to be just like?  Turned out she was the Head Organizer, and my first impression was right on; she made me feel like she knew me my whole life.  By the end of the Convention, it became apparent we have all known each other our whole lives; most of us just haven't met yet.😍
    Afterwards got my registration packet, and checked out the venders room, but they were just setting up still, so there wasn't much to do. Hung out on and off as more people arrived and began slowly introducing myself and meeting others. Went out for a drive to learn the area,  found my Starbucks, not really a fan of the coffee but like the atmosphere., and went to the supermarket to stock my room  mini refrigerator.  About 30 -40 minutes in the supermarket; taking my time.  One girl came up to me as I was opening a cooler door and said "I just love your nails"  Haha.  At the checkout, gentleman bagger about my age asked "ma'am would you like your milk in a bag? Double haha! I was sure from then on this was gonna be a good week and it was!   ☺️
    Later that evening, went to the lounge, sat at the bar and ordered a bottle water, and met and talked to another dozen or so fantastic people, went to bed early.
  7. Jessicatoyou
    I have noticed some discussion recently on the topic of Vagino-depth and thought my experience might be beneficial to some considering either/or. This is an especially important decision for anyone considering vaginoplasty, and many factors should be to be considered. 
    I chose to opt for a full depth vaginoplasty, and my experience is limited only to that. I am now 15 weeks post op.  During the year prior to surgery, I often flip-flopped over whether shallow depth would be the best option for me, considering my sexual preference towards women always seemed to be strongly dominant in my psych. I have never had a sexual relationship with a man nor was I curious about it, so I did not expect to suddenly become interested in the post-operative stage, either. Therefor it seemed unnecessary to create a deep vaginal canal for penetration from a man’s penis.  But a lot can happen, so I didn’t want to limit my options.  Another factor I had to consider was whether my penis length was sufficient to create enough worthwhile depth after my penile inversion vaginoplasty.  I not only had my concerns, but my surgeon further emphasized the importance and need for stretching and tucking to maximize skin elasticity during the month prior to my procedure. I have also heard much about dilation and that in itself was always at the top of the list of cons in considering full depth vaginoplasty. Finally, I learned that I could still experience an orgasm through self-pleasure with my own penis, so even opting out of bottom surgery all together was still very much on the table. I was unsure if that would continue to work for me in the long run, though. Finally, I became interested in pursuing a relationship with a cisgender woman.  Our relationship is somewhat intimate but not yet explicitly sexual. She is not lesbian, but still very attracted to me, nonetheless.  It probably would have been acceptable to her if I did not undergo surgery at all. However, my experience as a man in sexual intimacy with a woman was that my penis was not necessary for my partner to achieve orgasm. I similarly also do not expect to have to rely on a man’s penis for me to become satisfied sexually, either.   I will leave it at that.
    My procedure was July 28. My surgeon achieved a full 7-inch vaginal canal depth. Dilation is every bit uncomfortable as I heard and then some more!  Doctors vary on  how often and how long but follow the advice of your surgeon.  It did get easier and less painful quickly, but it is very time consuming. I began dilation 8 days after surgery when I had my catheter, packing, and Foley bag removed. There are 4 sizes; I started with the smallest (diameter) twice a day for 30 minutes each.  After another week I went to the next size and after 3 days began dilating 3 times a day. After another week, I began the routine using the 3rd size dilating tool. This becomes so much more difficult and painful, that when starting the dilation process, it is necessary to begin using the smallest size for 5 minutes, then the next size, then the next size for the remaining 20 minutes.  It seemed at 3-4 weeks post-surgery; it would be impossible that I would ever be able to graduate to the final, largest dilator.  Just looking at it makes you sweat.  It is affectionately called the “Orange Monster” by those of us that lived beyond it.  But…it does work and gets much easier and prepares your vaginal canal for whatever comes next. I am now at 15 weeks, still 3 times a day, and there is no pain in dilation now.  My surgeon wants me to continue 3 times a day for a full year, then go to twice a day and once or twice a week after that, which only may be replaced by penetrating intercourse if that becomes the case.
         I began to explore my ability to self-arouse at about 8 weeks after my procedure.  My vagina seemed to me to be well constructed and was beginning to look as pretty as any I have ever seen, except for some minor swelling and bloating of the pelvic area that would still take a few months longer to subside.  At 15 weeks, it is very minimal. My clitoris is well defined, and I had my first female orgasm at 9 weeks post-op, only using clitoral stimulation with my fingers, which took a lot of concentration. It was pretty intense and better than I had always imagined. After a while I picked up 2 vibrating vaginal stimulators designed for exercising and training Kegel and pelvic floor muscles.  Sexual arousal with vaginal penetration is far better than anything I could have possibly imagined, and I will just leave it at that! It is not difficult now to experience many intense orgasms continuously over a long sessions.  For me, the decision to have a full depth procedure, was the right one, even when considering the extended healing, dilation, and maintenance.  I still don’t expect to ever have an intimate relationship with a man, although, being active socially with either sex has an added degree of psychological pleasure and confidence, knowing you could be more intimate if ever you met the right person, male or female, or (neither).
  8. Jessicatoyou

    What's in a name?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I think names are significant.  I don't particularly care for labels, however.  But names we like, names we choose, those that "sound" good to us often have much meaning as to where we've been, whom we've met , where we want to go, what appeals to us, and what we would like to be, and says a lot about our own perception of our personality.    
    One of the first realizations that we are going to transition comes to us when we choose a name.  Some of us choose early in life, some later in life, but most often the names we choose appeal to us in a peaceful and self-content sort of way and carry us through a lifetime and end up being a permanent part of us when we first decide to transition and through our transition. It is a name we choose to become and love within our minds, not one that is given to us at birth. 
    I chose Jessica. And I chose it early on in life and has more or less stuck with me for more than 55 years.  Oh, I've considered others on occasion, but always returned to Jessica as my name.  Why???  I'm not really sure.  Perhaps back in 4th grade it comes from a crush on a girl named Jessica who liked to be called Jess, too.  It was just a crush, mind you, long before the onset of puberty for both of us. I didn't know her well, she was not in any of my classes, but we both looked forward to going to the lunch cafeteria and talking together while we had our 30 minute lunch.  She was awesome to me, I liked her, she liked me and we loved talking to each other.  Well we moved onto 5th grade and never had the opportunity to talk again, but I still liked the names Jessica and Jess.  To me it sounds feminine, maybe it was my first realization of the differences between masculinity and femininity.
    Funny thing happened last Wednesday!  Went to my dentist and had a great time, which is not something you would typically expect when you have a dentist appointment. I sat in the waiting room for some 20 minutes and discreetly, and I say discreetly, because I don't want to creep anyone out, was taking a mental note of other woman's mannerisms in the waiting room, when the dentist's assistant called me in.  She was new, never saw her before, and she warned me she was new at this, asking me to bear with her.  She was very nervous, but had a great personality, we got along great, as I helped her with the placement of the plates for each x-ray. I told her to take her time, I have my whole life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it..  Have had a lot of experience at the dentist.  
    When my dentist came in to review the x-rays, she said to the dentist that I should be named the patient of the year and I told the dentist when I come back for my work I wanted her to assist.  Now I always try to remember names of people I meet and when I can't I'm not shy in asking again someone's name. So I'm getting ready to leave and I ask, I'm sorry I didn't get your name?  She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry!  My name's Jessica, You can call me Jess!"  I should have figured that one out☺️
    Jessica❤️
     
     
  9. Jessicatoyou
    Rather by accident, I came across a situation which I felt I had to quickly address.  I have been out exclusively authentic 100% for several months now and have been expending a considerable effort to educate my sister (age 68) . brother (60), and elderly parents (89) on my transition.  I am very comfortable with it and I want them to have the opportunity to be comfortable too.  Over the last 45 years  we have had very little contact.  We talked over the phone occasionally (maybe 25 times over 45 years?)  but I now understand that my dysphoria was a significant factor. The rest of them were always doing family stuff together, but I always excluded myself and my own family from participation, not attending weddings, graduations, and other gatherings typical of extended families.  I grew apart from the cousins, aunts, and uncles, I grew up with into my late teens.
    So, fast forward to now?  I recently bought a house an hour and a half away from where my parents and sister live in retirement.  I came out to everyone right after,  about 3 months ago,  and have been also sharing in the care of my parents with my sister while simultaneously educating them.  My parents were initially fearful of what others would think but through continuous but short, heart to heart conversations, they have finally overcome that. 
    I was blindsided yesterday by my sister... here's how.  An Aunt passed away last week and the funeral is only 2 hours from me. I also have cousins that live within 2 hours of me and I had no idea.  I offered to attend with my sister and brother-n-law, not thinking at first that no one else in the family knows me as Jessica yet, then backtracked. But...I told my sister it would be a good opportunity when anyone asks how I was doing to answer "she's doing great" , give them my phone number if they want to say hello,  and I'll take it from there..
    Well, when she got back Tuesday night I asked her how everything went.  She was evasive in answering me but I pushed it and it turns out she didn't want to bring it up because "she wasn't sure my parents would be okay with everyone in the family knowing!##%%!!!!????  Furthermore she confessed she has told some of my relatives but "swore them to secrecy".  I suddenly realized that while I thought she was an advocate she needed to understand much more.  So I explained to her she cannot make those decisions on my behalf!  I understood that she does not yet understand, but I will teach her to if she wants to learn. (I told her that the first day I came out.)  I made it clear that ….. I WILL NOT BE HIDDEN!!!!!   If anyone wishes to hide from me, that's an issue they have to deal with, and that's okay with me!  But I will never be hidden!!!!
    So today, (actually yesterday as I write this) I went to the Villages and had dinner with my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my brother and sister-in-law, and after a productive group conversation I'm pretty confident.... now..... they are all on the same page as me.  We'll see!
     
  10. Jessicatoyou

    Where do I Start?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when.  That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year.  There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now.  I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago.  Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's.  I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future. 
    So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl.  Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too!    A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile.  THAT feeling has never left me.  Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume!
    Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes.  Got to try them on.  Love shoes, dresses, everything  feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs.  Love
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