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Jessicatoyou

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  1. Jessicatoyou

    Another Excursion

    By Jessicatoyou,

    Well a lot's happening with my presenting, and MY CONFIDENCE! 💇‍♀️.  Have had many opportunities to sit tight by myself and refine my make-up, my dress, my mannerisms, my voice, and my mental attitude, most important! Have been moisturizing my skin, face, leg, arms, my whole body and I mentioned before shaved my body, neck to toe.  Even trimmed my eyebrows amd they came out PERFECT!😊. Thanks to studying all the you tube videos out there.
    Today have 20 hours with the house to myself from3pm on, , so I decided it was time for another excursion.😎,  Now I recently dumped my truck which I used for business, a huge Yukon XL.for a Malibu sedan.  Always had big "manly wheels" before.
    ;I've always had big Black trucks, SUVs . This sedan is the perfect size for a girl, maroon exterior, light tan interior, like new and I love it.  It's my Jess mobile.💜.   Three o'clock started transforming into Jessica mode and by 7 went out for a ride.  Drove to the nearest large city and took a walk downtown, window shopping.  No one made any notice of me. No funny looks, no whispering among people walking about.  Tried to make eye contact with several and smiled.  Stopped in a Walgreens's and shopped for some make-up.  When the clerk rang me up , she commented on my necklace and we briefly talked about how brutally cold it was outside.  My fem voice seemed to pass enough; she acted quite normal😊😎  I was a little nervous but will work more getting a handle on that.  Stopped for a coffee to go and again didn't stand out!  I can get used to this💇‍♀️❤️  Jess  
    First Event organizers e-mailed me and gave me a volunteer slot at the clothing boutique😍.  Now, really looking forward to that! 👉
    i
     
     
     
     
  2. Jessicatoyou
    The final day of the Event, even though I'm staying till tomorrow morning. Slept real late for me again (till 8:00) ; up and at-em; gotta make breakfast in time, and they stop serving at 11.  Got down to the lobby by 10 and sad to see so many people checking out and leaving.😢  So headed right for breakfast and was cheered up immediately!  Joined Andrea, who I loved and mentioned before, and her new business partner.  They do electrolysis and laser.  Spent an hour and a half talking, not about that, just girlfriend talk?  What I always dreamed it would be like talking to a "girlfriend", and she talked to me like a girlfriend.  I said before Linda coaxed me to get out and dance, well Andrea kept me dancing ...such a fun person😃.
    Workshops today were mostly geared towards families and the kids going through this.  Nice to see people taking the effort to understand but sad to see attendance has dropped quite a bit. Still hope a lot of families hold together and get much stronger through their difficulties; I believe strongly that family is the foundation of society. 
    Spent most of the afternoon packing , again I brought too much, much too much, next time I'll know. Only left unpacked what I'd need the next day.  Of course, just had to get out again, so I found the Solomon Pond mall, bought foundation primer from Sephora, and a new bra. On my way back, Starbucks for coffee, and almost time for Super Bowl. Freshened up and down to the lounge just in time for kick-off. Very few people there, a dozen?  Most were not connected to the convention, and you can guess what team everybody thought would get the trophy.  New England did, and I got my trophy, too. The time of my life, a meaning to my life.  One of those there was Cheryl, the Organizer of the First Event. And I got a chance to thank her for all she did for me.  I told her she must be proud of herself and should be, and we will see each other again.  ❤️  
     
     
     
     
      
  3. Jessicatoyou
    Well, this week (today), took my first doses for HRT.🙋‍♀️😊.  Spiro and estrogen injection. Should have started one week ago, but one screw up after another delayed things unnecessarily.  First my lab results were not timely faxed from my PCP to my Gender Specialist.  Friday, Monday calls then finally Tuesday morning when they still weren't faxed I had to demonstrate what Jess can be like on hormones and they were sent right over despite being available since the previous Friday.  Then it was time to play with the insurance company, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the coverage, but hurdling more obstacles are totally unnecessary, but seems to me we're heading towards getting rid of the Docs and the insurance companies are taking that role more and more. Scary!  Well some additional things taken care of this week...,  Came out to my supplier and 2 clients/customers today, and have put out a call to a major one to do the same.  Have several luncheons with them next week and the time has come for "Jessica" to attend them.  I already know there will not be an issue. So....  100% not presenting male has begun today.  (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!).   Ahhhh, what a feeling😍
  4. Jessicatoyou
    Well, I have come a long way since joining TGG just last August.  I am on HRT.  Almost finished with Laser and about half way with electrolysis.  Am have my first non-surgical facial feminization procedure next week.  I fake 000% male now and have,  ever since I had the "talk" with my 23 year old son about 2 months ago.  We are still very close and both jump at the chance to do things together whenever we get the chance whether out in public or not.  I travel every couple of weeks back and forth from NY to Florida as Jessica checking into a motel along the way.  I, like Dee, still have those "melancholy moments" when I check in as Jessica but have to produce my legal name and legal documents.  Also, when conducting official personal legal business,  I still must produce my proper legal information and documents even though I present as Jessica now.  That will change soon, as my attorney is well on her way to change all my markers.  I'm beginning the process of consultations for bottom surgery.
    A little background about me and my parents and siblings.  I'm 64, my parents 88, they live in the "Villages" in Florida, my sister is 68; also retired and live in the Villages with her husband. I have a younger brother 60 who lives in NY about 2 1/2 hours from my upstate NY house.  I rarely see any of them ( maybe a dozen times) since I went off to college at 17,  which I'm sure is a common familial casualty of dysphoria, but we do talk periodically, still only once a year or two.  Still haven't seen either of them in about 10 years or more until several months ago.  Now I just bought a house in Florida about an hour and a half away from them, and I get pleas constantly from everyone to come visit, even sleep overnight,  every time I'm down there now that I'm retired and am close by. They all want to get to know me and be the "happy little family".  No judgement there; I know they mean well.  They were were REAL disappointed when I bought a house close to the Gulf and not in the Villages.  Has anyone seen the show "Everybody loves Raymond"  UGH!!!!!!  That's what they all envisioned for the future. Well, both parents' health is deteriorating and have had many serious issues over the last year plus 2 hospital stays and my sister has been running herself thin getting them to med appointments and preparing meals, meds, etc. I know how tough it is from having to care around the clock for my wife for the last three years and both of her parents 10 years ago before they passed.  Both her parents lived and passed on with us and not in a nursing home.
    My sister called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I would be down around the tenth of June.  My brother-n-law and she wanted to go to NYC then for a banquet and then possibly stay the week to visit some friends.  My parents couldn't be left alone, or at least with someone close by in case of a medical emergency and visiting daily to cook and prep everything for the day.  I couldn't say no, AND I couldn't do it any other way than as Jessica, so seriously began to think hard how I was going to introduce everyone to Jessica without any further delay (or procrastination).  I had no clue if anyone has any knowledge of gender issues, and doubted they ever knew or met anyone transgender.  Turns out they don't.
    I got to Florida Easter night and took care of everything I had to with the new house by Wednesday.  I have to head back north this Friday.  Wednesday night I called my sister and asked if she and my Brother in law would be able to come to my house Thursday or Friday... I had something very important I wanted to run by them before I went over to my parents to talk to them about it.    They would have to plan on a few hours visit and then we'd go out for a late lunch before they headed back.  I swore her in on keeping my presence in Florida a secret from both my parents and my brother knowing full well if I didn't, she would hop on the phone calling around to see if anyone else had a clue.  At first she said she didn't think they could make it, but called back 20 minutes after and said they could around noon on Thursday.  Haha.
    My plan was to change back and talk to them here first,  and then go to their house a few days later as Jess.  But damn, after I got out of bed and had my coffee and toast decided to hell with that!   I showered, put back on my make-up, wig, a pair of white clam digger jeans, my beach sandals, a modest pattern blouse, touched up my nails and milled around until they arrived.  I greeted them at the front door,  and my brother in law turned to my sister and muttered, "See I told you!"        Haha, they thought I was my new girlfriend😜.           When they came in and realized what was going on, he said are you kidding? Is this Halloween?  I said, nope, this is me, come on in and I'll introduce you.  Popped the cork on the small bottle of wine the realtor gave me and we sat down and talked for about an hour and a half and the best thing was that everyone participated!   There are so many detailed points I wanted to, and did make, in our conversation, but I'll try to expand on that in later blogs.  In summary,  I totally was comfortable with myself and not afraid of anything, but wanted them all to feel the same way if I was going to become a part of their lives and they mine.  They understood that and came on board .  I was not the one needing the support; they were the one's that would need it and I would make sure I would give it.  I knew what I was doing, they did not. I always remembered hearing that when we transition, everyone else transitions with us.   Very true, but as we become very knowledgeable,  no one else around us is. They have to be assured everything is going to be okay, even better than it ever was,  which with some targeted communication and listening,  IS THE TRUTH!  I didn't really want to supply resources such as You tube videos, books etc.;  I wanted to encourage them to rely on me for any questions, answers and information.    Afterwards we had a great lunch at a Gulf Coast eatery close by and they went on their way back home.  Funny my brother in law said I looked much better as a girl than a guy and I said that's because I look as I feel.  I joked for him to not try it because he'd probably look shitty.
    That night I called my brother and gave him a snapshot of what was happening and what was coming down the pike with our parents. I told him sis knows as of today and Mom and Dad would be brought in on it Friday.   
    Friday morning I converted back to my cis male identity one last time and drove to my parent's home.  I knew it would be too much of a shocker at their age to meet Jess without preparing them first. (had to stop at my sister's house on the way to borrow my brother-in law's sneakers because I already purged mine)  I got right to the point and told them my story.  They didn't have a clue; in fact never heard of anything like it before, except my Mother had heard something  about Jenner. I said I'm not Jenner, I'm me, so forget whatever you heard, we're not the same.  I told them briefly different things throughout my life and surprisingly they didn't remember, or they put it out of their minds.  I told them a little about being on HRT and what physical changes would be occurring down the road.  I told them I present female everywhere now, at work, with my son, their grandson, at the store, travelling back and forth from NY to Florida, and now they are the only ones left that have not seen me as I am and the time has come that they do.  Also that it was my fault it took so long, not theirs, they couldn't have been expected to know because I was real good at hiding it from them and everyone else my entire life.  I told them the next time I visit (within the next day or two) I'll look different but will still be same inside, as I've always felt the same inside my whole life. Again I assured them that I don't need the support, they will and I'll be there to give it to them.  I told them many, many families go through this and have some difficulty at first, but they can and do work through it and everything is far better in time, beyond belief. They both acted okay on the surface, but I could sense that it really bothered my mother more;  i.e. how was she going to react with seeing me as Jess,  how would the neighbors and family relatives react, what would she say,  and on and on.   I left and said I'd be back Sunday and then expecting the phone calls to fly between them all.
    Next I talked to both siblings Saturday night and   1.  My mother was scared and wanted me to visit a few more times more before coming as Jess.                                                                                                                                                                                           2.  My sister and brother were used to enabling her and were readily open to that idea; they both ran it by me separately.                                                                                                                                                   3 . My father was going with the flow and was unconditionally accepting, but I know him; still deeply worried.                                                                                                                                                                       4.  Both my sister and brother would be okay, but because they know nothing about gender issues, or me, they would unwittingly get in the way of my                                                                                         effort.  So I re-iterated with them,  to stand back and let me handle it and to direct all questions, concerns worries and fears back to me. Just follow my lead.                                                                                   I know what to say  and do with any possible situation that might come down the pike. They don't but I will teach them.  I explained that not being Jessica is                                                                                   something that is not an option  and it was important for everyone to see me as much as possible as I am this week before I have to return to NY.  My goal                                                                                     is to have my family look forward to seeing me only as Jessica, because there is no one else now.  No one could possibly prefer me to show up faking it, if                                                                                     anyone does, I won't bother anymore.
    Sunday I, Jessica,  went to the Villages.  Stopped at the Walmart there and got coffee, sandwich meats and a few other things for them.  My sister called me beforehand and asked if I wanted her to be there. I told her no, but if she wanted to stop by after an hour or so that would be good.  Just when she does,  try to carry on like before, so my parents can see that nothing has really changed.  (actually it has; before I dreaded visiting whereas now the idea of popping in now and then and spending a little time with everyone is becoming more appealing).  I got there and after the ritual hugs, I put the groceries away and made coffee.  My mother, after seeing me said you know, I feel better now.  I said wait a few more weeks, you're gonna wish you knew years ago.  We all talked about nothing, I geared the conversation mostly to what I and my son spent most of our time doing, together and separately and how close my wife and I have been throughout our lives.  When my sister got there,  I suggested my Dad give me a tour of the Villages on their golf cart. (it's a golf cart community, for just about everything, shopping, entertainment,  you don't need a car).  He jumped at the chance, I drove,  had a great time and took about an hour. Next time he wants to take the cart with me to sit at Dunkin Donuts.  Back at the house, my brother-in-law was there, we had dinner, and again my mother said she's feeling much better now!  My sis and I cleared the dishes and cleaned up and after they left I spent another our with them before I went home.
    I'll be popping over a few more times this week before I have to head back to NY.  While everything feels normal for me,  it needs to feel normal for others around me, too.  And I think I accomplished a lot so far.                                                                                           
     
     
     
     
     
           
     
     
  5. Jessicatoyou
    Another article on birthright Citizenship.  Mostly LGBT couples are mentioned here, but I wonder how many cis hetero couples are affected by this?  Is it random? or is it selective?https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/both-parents-are-american-the-us-says-their-baby-isnt/ar-AABGXbe?ocid=spartandhp   
  6. Jessicatoyou

    Happy Valentines Day

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Valentines Day 2021
    Just a reaffirmation of Love to all of you on Valentine's Day!  Our community is awesome, loving, and deserving of Love.  It's one of the best things I've experienced being Transgender! ❣️😉🧐🙋‍♀️  
    Jess❣️
  7. Jessicatoyou

    Just a thought?

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Post Vaginoplasty some observations
    Isn't it funny but sad at the same time, that most of my life was lived in fear of anyone knowing my secret.  Now, that my secret is out; I sense that some people are very afraid of me?  If only everyone opened their eyes.  I dream of that the day when no one will be afraid of each other.
  8. Jessicatoyou
    I'm in!!  On Cloud 9, (or 10 maybe) at the moment.  The therapist I've chosen, great reputation for transitioning clients, and I've been working on it all week, contacted me and is setting up my appointments, and I should know tomorrow when my first session is.  Still trying to get in before First Event, but most likely will be right after First Event. 
    Real funny thing....just a little story.  This past week I've been helping my son move into an apartment closer to his work.  About an hour away, close to a major city in the State I live in.  Somewhat familiar with the City, as I did a lot of business there some 30 years ago, but haven't been there more than a couple of times since.  So last night he wants me to go with him to a furniture store off the beaten track there as he was told they have a lot of good deals.  He GPS's the location and I'm driving according to his directions( Everything has changed since I've been there!; We pull up and ….it's directly across the street from my therapist's office building!!!!!!  Have never been there before.  I had a good feeling then I would get a call and I did today.  
  9. Jessicatoyou
    I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers.  What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica;  how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue  wishing I had the courage to transition long ago?? 
    I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference.  I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston.  I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety.  My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition.  
    I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't.  You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away.  I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring.  SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!!  Why do I???  That changed my attitude.  Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"?  Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!!  Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇‍♀️
    So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car.  Still Jessica.  I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did,   I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!!
    Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE!  if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!!  Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for  coffee.
    Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could.
    Good Night☺️ 
     
  10. Jessicatoyou
    I have noticed some discussion recently on the topic of Vagino-depth and thought my experience might be beneficial to some considering either/or. This is an especially important decision for anyone considering vaginoplasty, and many factors should be to be considered. 
    I chose to opt for a full depth vaginoplasty, and my experience is limited only to that. I am now 15 weeks post op.  During the year prior to surgery, I often flip-flopped over whether shallow depth would be the best option for me, considering my sexual preference towards women always seemed to be strongly dominant in my psych. I have never had a sexual relationship with a man nor was I curious about it, so I did not expect to suddenly become interested in the post-operative stage, either. Therefor it seemed unnecessary to create a deep vaginal canal for penetration from a man’s penis.  But a lot can happen, so I didn’t want to limit my options.  Another factor I had to consider was whether my penis length was sufficient to create enough worthwhile depth after my penile inversion vaginoplasty.  I not only had my concerns, but my surgeon further emphasized the importance and need for stretching and tucking to maximize skin elasticity during the month prior to my procedure. I have also heard much about dilation and that in itself was always at the top of the list of cons in considering full depth vaginoplasty. Finally, I learned that I could still experience an orgasm through self-pleasure with my own penis, so even opting out of bottom surgery all together was still very much on the table. I was unsure if that would continue to work for me in the long run, though. Finally, I became interested in pursuing a relationship with a cisgender woman.  Our relationship is somewhat intimate but not yet explicitly sexual. She is not lesbian, but still very attracted to me, nonetheless.  It probably would have been acceptable to her if I did not undergo surgery at all. However, my experience as a man in sexual intimacy with a woman was that my penis was not necessary for my partner to achieve orgasm. I similarly also do not expect to have to rely on a man’s penis for me to become satisfied sexually, either.   I will leave it at that.
    My procedure was July 28. My surgeon achieved a full 7-inch vaginal canal depth. Dilation is every bit uncomfortable as I heard and then some more!  Doctors vary on  how often and how long but follow the advice of your surgeon.  It did get easier and less painful quickly, but it is very time consuming. I began dilation 8 days after surgery when I had my catheter, packing, and Foley bag removed. There are 4 sizes; I started with the smallest (diameter) twice a day for 30 minutes each.  After another week I went to the next size and after 3 days began dilating 3 times a day. After another week, I began the routine using the 3rd size dilating tool. This becomes so much more difficult and painful, that when starting the dilation process, it is necessary to begin using the smallest size for 5 minutes, then the next size, then the next size for the remaining 20 minutes.  It seemed at 3-4 weeks post-surgery; it would be impossible that I would ever be able to graduate to the final, largest dilator.  Just looking at it makes you sweat.  It is affectionately called the “Orange Monster” by those of us that lived beyond it.  But…it does work and gets much easier and prepares your vaginal canal for whatever comes next. I am now at 15 weeks, still 3 times a day, and there is no pain in dilation now.  My surgeon wants me to continue 3 times a day for a full year, then go to twice a day and once or twice a week after that, which only may be replaced by penetrating intercourse if that becomes the case.
         I began to explore my ability to self-arouse at about 8 weeks after my procedure.  My vagina seemed to me to be well constructed and was beginning to look as pretty as any I have ever seen, except for some minor swelling and bloating of the pelvic area that would still take a few months longer to subside.  At 15 weeks, it is very minimal. My clitoris is well defined, and I had my first female orgasm at 9 weeks post-op, only using clitoral stimulation with my fingers, which took a lot of concentration. It was pretty intense and better than I had always imagined. After a while I picked up 2 vibrating vaginal stimulators designed for exercising and training Kegel and pelvic floor muscles.  Sexual arousal with vaginal penetration is far better than anything I could have possibly imagined, and I will just leave it at that! It is not difficult now to experience many intense orgasms continuously over a long sessions.  For me, the decision to have a full depth procedure, was the right one, even when considering the extended healing, dilation, and maintenance.  I still don’t expect to ever have an intimate relationship with a man, although, being active socially with either sex has an added degree of psychological pleasure and confidence, knowing you could be more intimate if ever you met the right person, male or female, or (neither).
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