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Jessicatoyou

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Blog Entries posted by Jessicatoyou

  1. Jessicatoyou
    Well, this week (today), took my first doses for HRT.🙋‍♀️😊.  Spiro and estrogen injection. Should have started one week ago, but one screw up after another delayed things unnecessarily.  First my lab results were not timely faxed from my PCP to my Gender Specialist.  Friday, Monday calls then finally Tuesday morning when they still weren't faxed I had to demonstrate what Jess can be like on hormones and they were sent right over despite being available since the previous Friday.  Then it was time to play with the insurance company, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the coverage, but hurdling more obstacles are totally unnecessary, but seems to me we're heading towards getting rid of the Docs and the insurance companies are taking that role more and more. Scary!  Well some additional things taken care of this week...,  Came out to my supplier and 2 clients/customers today, and have put out a call to a major one to do the same.  Have several luncheons with them next week and the time has come for "Jessica" to attend them.  I already know there will not be an issue. So....  100% not presenting male has begun today.  (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!).   Ahhhh, what a feeling😍
  2. Jessicatoyou
    Another article on birthright Citizenship.  Mostly LGBT couples are mentioned here, but I wonder how many cis hetero couples are affected by this?  Is it random? or is it selective?https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/both-parents-are-american-the-us-says-their-baby-isnt/ar-AABGXbe?ocid=spartandhp   
  3. Jessicatoyou
    Okay, in my last blog I was about to close my business (November) and moved my "belongings" home not knowing when I would be able to resume presenting female if not only in private, but I did NOT purge as I had many times in the past. Hey I just turned 64😎, and there were many. Thank goodness😊. Since then, I have been dealing with a rather extreme life changing event, the kind that would cause anyone to reconsider if transitioning is the right course to continue. Well, prior to that I've had the opportunity to dress in private almost daily ( 5 out of 7 days a week) for two years, if only for short periods at a time. I've practiced make-up, the walk, the talk, the mirrors, the selfies, you get it, and I felt pretty confident that when I picked back up I would be ready to go. …..NOT!  😫.  
    Well, have the house to myself (for the first time in my life!, almost,.... my son's been hanging around some❤️,  Little more than a week ago I pulled the stash out from the boxes and dressed and made-up.       UGH!😩 . Thought this ain't gonna work. CALL IT OFF! What am I doing?????  I looked like an old man in drag!  
    Took a day off and reflected, …..or meditated? Don't know which,  but it worked. Haha.   Tried again, took my time.  Shaved my body, (yep, down there, too). Legs, armpits, chest, arms, back, etc. Eight days later only a little growing back down there;  just shaved again today. The rest no sign of hair returning yet. Have lived most of the last week presenting female in private. Still have gone out presenting male on occasion to take care of errands, like getting contact lenses. Haha. Was a bitch trying to apply eye make-up when you can't see your eyes without glasses!👀 BTW they work! The optometrist didn't have a clue why a 64 year old guy would want contacts, but she's happy and I'm making another friend!  Seems like everyone's so young these days and just wanna be friends 😊 .  So, back at the house, could actually see my eyes and face applying makeup, and with the aid of some "face-lift tape" I looked 80-90% presentable. ( FFS is definitely in my future).
    Today, went out.  I mean WENT OUT!  😍.  Put on my best outfit, made myself up, right down to my nails, looked in the mirror, and decided I was ready. Haven't done that since I was 20 something, and then it was at night!  Noon to two pm, ran some errands, took a drive, felt the cool crisp air. Nobody noticed and there were many that could have!!!! 😎.
    Came home, and logged into First Event to volunteer for the Convention.
    Jess,, feeling better ❤️ .
     
         
  4. Jessicatoyou
    I have noticed some discussion recently on the topic of Vagino-depth and thought my experience might be beneficial to some considering either/or. This is an especially important decision for anyone considering vaginoplasty, and many factors should be to be considered. 
    I chose to opt for a full depth vaginoplasty, and my experience is limited only to that. I am now 15 weeks post op.  During the year prior to surgery, I often flip-flopped over whether shallow depth would be the best option for me, considering my sexual preference towards women always seemed to be strongly dominant in my psych. I have never had a sexual relationship with a man nor was I curious about it, so I did not expect to suddenly become interested in the post-operative stage, either. Therefor it seemed unnecessary to create a deep vaginal canal for penetration from a man’s penis.  But a lot can happen, so I didn’t want to limit my options.  Another factor I had to consider was whether my penis length was sufficient to create enough worthwhile depth after my penile inversion vaginoplasty.  I not only had my concerns, but my surgeon further emphasized the importance and need for stretching and tucking to maximize skin elasticity during the month prior to my procedure. I have also heard much about dilation and that in itself was always at the top of the list of cons in considering full depth vaginoplasty. Finally, I learned that I could still experience an orgasm through self-pleasure with my own penis, so even opting out of bottom surgery all together was still very much on the table. I was unsure if that would continue to work for me in the long run, though. Finally, I became interested in pursuing a relationship with a cisgender woman.  Our relationship is somewhat intimate but not yet explicitly sexual. She is not lesbian, but still very attracted to me, nonetheless.  It probably would have been acceptable to her if I did not undergo surgery at all. However, my experience as a man in sexual intimacy with a woman was that my penis was not necessary for my partner to achieve orgasm. I similarly also do not expect to have to rely on a man’s penis for me to become satisfied sexually, either.   I will leave it at that.
    My procedure was July 28. My surgeon achieved a full 7-inch vaginal canal depth. Dilation is every bit uncomfortable as I heard and then some more!  Doctors vary on  how often and how long but follow the advice of your surgeon.  It did get easier and less painful quickly, but it is very time consuming. I began dilation 8 days after surgery when I had my catheter, packing, and Foley bag removed. There are 4 sizes; I started with the smallest (diameter) twice a day for 30 minutes each.  After another week I went to the next size and after 3 days began dilating 3 times a day. After another week, I began the routine using the 3rd size dilating tool. This becomes so much more difficult and painful, that when starting the dilation process, it is necessary to begin using the smallest size for 5 minutes, then the next size, then the next size for the remaining 20 minutes.  It seemed at 3-4 weeks post-surgery; it would be impossible that I would ever be able to graduate to the final, largest dilator.  Just looking at it makes you sweat.  It is affectionately called the “Orange Monster” by those of us that lived beyond it.  But…it does work and gets much easier and prepares your vaginal canal for whatever comes next. I am now at 15 weeks, still 3 times a day, and there is no pain in dilation now.  My surgeon wants me to continue 3 times a day for a full year, then go to twice a day and once or twice a week after that, which only may be replaced by penetrating intercourse if that becomes the case.
         I began to explore my ability to self-arouse at about 8 weeks after my procedure.  My vagina seemed to me to be well constructed and was beginning to look as pretty as any I have ever seen, except for some minor swelling and bloating of the pelvic area that would still take a few months longer to subside.  At 15 weeks, it is very minimal. My clitoris is well defined, and I had my first female orgasm at 9 weeks post-op, only using clitoral stimulation with my fingers, which took a lot of concentration. It was pretty intense and better than I had always imagined. After a while I picked up 2 vibrating vaginal stimulators designed for exercising and training Kegel and pelvic floor muscles.  Sexual arousal with vaginal penetration is far better than anything I could have possibly imagined, and I will just leave it at that! It is not difficult now to experience many intense orgasms continuously over a long sessions.  For me, the decision to have a full depth procedure, was the right one, even when considering the extended healing, dilation, and maintenance.  I still don’t expect to ever have an intimate relationship with a man, although, being active socially with either sex has an added degree of psychological pleasure and confidence, knowing you could be more intimate if ever you met the right person, male or female, or (neither).
  5. Jessicatoyou

    Where do I Start?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when.  That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year.  There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now.  I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago.  Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's.  I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future. 
    So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl.  Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too!    A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile.  THAT feeling has never left me.  Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume!
    Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes.  Got to try them on.  Love shoes, dresses, everything  feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs.  Love
  6. Jessicatoyou
    I'm in!!  On Cloud 9, (or 10 maybe) at the moment.  The therapist I've chosen, great reputation for transitioning clients, and I've been working on it all week, contacted me and is setting up my appointments, and I should know tomorrow when my first session is.  Still trying to get in before First Event, but most likely will be right after First Event. 
    Real funny thing....just a little story.  This past week I've been helping my son move into an apartment closer to his work.  About an hour away, close to a major city in the State I live in.  Somewhat familiar with the City, as I did a lot of business there some 30 years ago, but haven't been there more than a couple of times since.  So last night he wants me to go with him to a furniture store off the beaten track there as he was told they have a lot of good deals.  He GPS's the location and I'm driving according to his directions( Everything has changed since I've been there!; We pull up and ….it's directly across the street from my therapist's office building!!!!!!  Have never been there before.  I had a good feeling then I would get a call and I did today.  
  7. Jessicatoyou

    Happy Valentines Day

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Valentines Day 2021
    Just a reaffirmation of Love to all of you on Valentine's Day!  Our community is awesome, loving, and deserving of Love.  It's one of the best things I've experienced being Transgender! ❣️😉🧐🙋‍♀️  
    Jess❣️
  9. Jessicatoyou
    I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers.  What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica;  how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue  wishing I had the courage to transition long ago?? 
    I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference.  I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston.  I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety.  My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition.  
    I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't.  You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away.  I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring.  SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!!  Why do I???  That changed my attitude.  Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"?  Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!!  Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇‍♀️
    So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car.  Still Jessica.  I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did,   I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!!
    Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE!  if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!!  Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for  coffee.
    Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could.
    Good Night☺️ 
     
  10. Jessicatoyou

    Just a thought?

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Post Vaginoplasty some observations
    Isn't it funny but sad at the same time, that most of my life was lived in fear of anyone knowing my secret.  Now, that my secret is out; I sense that some people are very afraid of me?  If only everyone opened their eyes.  I dream of that the day when no one will be afraid of each other.
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