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Jessicatoyou

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  1. Jessicatoyou

    Plan B

    By Jessicatoyou,

    Well, had the day planned again with the house to myself all day and tonight, this time from 6am on. Figured I'd be ready in Jess mode early, by 8 or 9, and take off!💇‍♀️☝️    Know a couple of churches that are trans welcoming within driving distance that wouldn't know me and that was going to be my first stop.  Afterwards was gonna check out a couple of quaint cafe's in the same area I know and MAYBE have a light lunch, if I worked up enough guts after church.  I think I would have!  Have been feeling a lot more comfortable, natural, and downright NORMAL as Jess the more practice. I get!💕.  Then window shop in the same downtown city again that I did last week!  Visit a couple of woman's specialty shops.  Happens to be the same city I'm planning to go for electrolysis; very artsy and progressive.  Then head home before dark, and spend a quiet evening doing some housework, and maybe finishing Ann Vitale's book!  ( been only half way through since 3 months ago!)   THEN THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND THERE WAS 30 INCHES OF SNOW LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS STILL SNOWING HARD!!!!!!!!   UGH😲
    Well, instead I shoveled and shoveled and shoveled.  BUT... Still a good day😊    Was in Jess mode by noon and spent most of the afternoon packing for my trip next week.  No driving for me today, HAHA.  Now some housework, (actually I've always enjoyed it) and then maybe finish that book.  Jess😍
     
  2. Jessicatoyou
    Well, I have come a long way since joining TGG just last August.  I am on HRT.  Almost finished with Laser and about half way with electrolysis.  Am have my first non-surgical facial feminization procedure next week.  I fake 000% male now and have,  ever since I had the "talk" with my 23 year old son about 2 months ago.  We are still very close and both jump at the chance to do things together whenever we get the chance whether out in public or not.  I travel every couple of weeks back and forth from NY to Florida as Jessica checking into a motel along the way.  I, like Dee, still have those "melancholy moments" when I check in as Jessica but have to produce my legal name and legal documents.  Also, when conducting official personal legal business,  I still must produce my proper legal information and documents even though I present as Jessica now.  That will change soon, as my attorney is well on her way to change all my markers.  I'm beginning the process of consultations for bottom surgery.
    A little background about me and my parents and siblings.  I'm 64, my parents 88, they live in the "Villages" in Florida, my sister is 68; also retired and live in the Villages with her husband. I have a younger brother 60 who lives in NY about 2 1/2 hours from my upstate NY house.  I rarely see any of them ( maybe a dozen times) since I went off to college at 17,  which I'm sure is a common familial casualty of dysphoria, but we do talk periodically, still only once a year or two.  Still haven't seen either of them in about 10 years or more until several months ago.  Now I just bought a house in Florida about an hour and a half away from them, and I get pleas constantly from everyone to come visit, even sleep overnight,  every time I'm down there now that I'm retired and am close by. They all want to get to know me and be the "happy little family".  No judgement there; I know they mean well.  They were were REAL disappointed when I bought a house close to the Gulf and not in the Villages.  Has anyone seen the show "Everybody loves Raymond"  UGH!!!!!!  That's what they all envisioned for the future. Well, both parents' health is deteriorating and have had many serious issues over the last year plus 2 hospital stays and my sister has been running herself thin getting them to med appointments and preparing meals, meds, etc. I know how tough it is from having to care around the clock for my wife for the last three years and both of her parents 10 years ago before they passed.  Both her parents lived and passed on with us and not in a nursing home.
    My sister called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I would be down around the tenth of June.  My brother-n-law and she wanted to go to NYC then for a banquet and then possibly stay the week to visit some friends.  My parents couldn't be left alone, or at least with someone close by in case of a medical emergency and visiting daily to cook and prep everything for the day.  I couldn't say no, AND I couldn't do it any other way than as Jessica, so seriously began to think hard how I was going to introduce everyone to Jessica without any further delay (or procrastination).  I had no clue if anyone has any knowledge of gender issues, and doubted they ever knew or met anyone transgender.  Turns out they don't.
    I got to Florida Easter night and took care of everything I had to with the new house by Wednesday.  I have to head back north this Friday.  Wednesday night I called my sister and asked if she and my Brother in law would be able to come to my house Thursday or Friday... I had something very important I wanted to run by them before I went over to my parents to talk to them about it.    They would have to plan on a few hours visit and then we'd go out for a late lunch before they headed back.  I swore her in on keeping my presence in Florida a secret from both my parents and my brother knowing full well if I didn't, she would hop on the phone calling around to see if anyone else had a clue.  At first she said she didn't think they could make it, but called back 20 minutes after and said they could around noon on Thursday.  Haha.
    My plan was to change back and talk to them here first,  and then go to their house a few days later as Jess.  But damn, after I got out of bed and had my coffee and toast decided to hell with that!   I showered, put back on my make-up, wig, a pair of white clam digger jeans, my beach sandals, a modest pattern blouse, touched up my nails and milled around until they arrived.  I greeted them at the front door,  and my brother in law turned to my sister and muttered, "See I told you!"        Haha, they thought I was my new girlfriend😜.           When they came in and realized what was going on, he said are you kidding? Is this Halloween?  I said, nope, this is me, come on in and I'll introduce you.  Popped the cork on the small bottle of wine the realtor gave me and we sat down and talked for about an hour and a half and the best thing was that everyone participated!   There are so many detailed points I wanted to, and did make, in our conversation, but I'll try to expand on that in later blogs.  In summary,  I totally was comfortable with myself and not afraid of anything, but wanted them all to feel the same way if I was going to become a part of their lives and they mine.  They understood that and came on board .  I was not the one needing the support; they were the one's that would need it and I would make sure I would give it.  I knew what I was doing, they did not. I always remembered hearing that when we transition, everyone else transitions with us.   Very true, but as we become very knowledgeable,  no one else around us is. They have to be assured everything is going to be okay, even better than it ever was,  which with some targeted communication and listening,  IS THE TRUTH!  I didn't really want to supply resources such as You tube videos, books etc.;  I wanted to encourage them to rely on me for any questions, answers and information.    Afterwards we had a great lunch at a Gulf Coast eatery close by and they went on their way back home.  Funny my brother in law said I looked much better as a girl than a guy and I said that's because I look as I feel.  I joked for him to not try it because he'd probably look shitty.
    That night I called my brother and gave him a snapshot of what was happening and what was coming down the pike with our parents. I told him sis knows as of today and Mom and Dad would be brought in on it Friday.   
    Friday morning I converted back to my cis male identity one last time and drove to my parent's home.  I knew it would be too much of a shocker at their age to meet Jess without preparing them first. (had to stop at my sister's house on the way to borrow my brother-in law's sneakers because I already purged mine)  I got right to the point and told them my story.  They didn't have a clue; in fact never heard of anything like it before, except my Mother had heard something  about Jenner. I said I'm not Jenner, I'm me, so forget whatever you heard, we're not the same.  I told them briefly different things throughout my life and surprisingly they didn't remember, or they put it out of their minds.  I told them a little about being on HRT and what physical changes would be occurring down the road.  I told them I present female everywhere now, at work, with my son, their grandson, at the store, travelling back and forth from NY to Florida, and now they are the only ones left that have not seen me as I am and the time has come that they do.  Also that it was my fault it took so long, not theirs, they couldn't have been expected to know because I was real good at hiding it from them and everyone else my entire life.  I told them the next time I visit (within the next day or two) I'll look different but will still be same inside, as I've always felt the same inside my whole life. Again I assured them that I don't need the support, they will and I'll be there to give it to them.  I told them many, many families go through this and have some difficulty at first, but they can and do work through it and everything is far better in time, beyond belief. They both acted okay on the surface, but I could sense that it really bothered my mother more;  i.e. how was she going to react with seeing me as Jess,  how would the neighbors and family relatives react, what would she say,  and on and on.   I left and said I'd be back Sunday and then expecting the phone calls to fly between them all.
    Next I talked to both siblings Saturday night and   1.  My mother was scared and wanted me to visit a few more times more before coming as Jess.                                                                                                                                                                                           2.  My sister and brother were used to enabling her and were readily open to that idea; they both ran it by me separately.                                                                                                                                                   3 . My father was going with the flow and was unconditionally accepting, but I know him; still deeply worried.                                                                                                                                                                       4.  Both my sister and brother would be okay, but because they know nothing about gender issues, or me, they would unwittingly get in the way of my                                                                                         effort.  So I re-iterated with them,  to stand back and let me handle it and to direct all questions, concerns worries and fears back to me. Just follow my lead.                                                                                   I know what to say  and do with any possible situation that might come down the pike. They don't but I will teach them.  I explained that not being Jessica is                                                                                   something that is not an option  and it was important for everyone to see me as much as possible as I am this week before I have to return to NY.  My goal                                                                                     is to have my family look forward to seeing me only as Jessica, because there is no one else now.  No one could possibly prefer me to show up faking it, if                                                                                     anyone does, I won't bother anymore.
    Sunday I, Jessica,  went to the Villages.  Stopped at the Walmart there and got coffee, sandwich meats and a few other things for them.  My sister called me beforehand and asked if I wanted her to be there. I told her no, but if she wanted to stop by after an hour or so that would be good.  Just when she does,  try to carry on like before, so my parents can see that nothing has really changed.  (actually it has; before I dreaded visiting whereas now the idea of popping in now and then and spending a little time with everyone is becoming more appealing).  I got there and after the ritual hugs, I put the groceries away and made coffee.  My mother, after seeing me said you know, I feel better now.  I said wait a few more weeks, you're gonna wish you knew years ago.  We all talked about nothing, I geared the conversation mostly to what I and my son spent most of our time doing, together and separately and how close my wife and I have been throughout our lives.  When my sister got there,  I suggested my Dad give me a tour of the Villages on their golf cart. (it's a golf cart community, for just about everything, shopping, entertainment,  you don't need a car).  He jumped at the chance, I drove,  had a great time and took about an hour. Next time he wants to take the cart with me to sit at Dunkin Donuts.  Back at the house, my brother-in-law was there, we had dinner, and again my mother said she's feeling much better now!  My sis and I cleared the dishes and cleaned up and after they left I spent another our with them before I went home.
    I'll be popping over a few more times this week before I have to head back to NY.  While everything feels normal for me,  it needs to feel normal for others around me, too.  And I think I accomplished a lot so far.                                                                                           
     
     
     
     
     
           
     
     
  3. Jessicatoyou
    Okay, in my last blog I was about to close my business (November) and moved my "belongings" home not knowing when I would be able to resume presenting female if not only in private, but I did NOT purge as I had many times in the past. Hey I just turned 64😎, and there were many. Thank goodness😊. Since then, I have been dealing with a rather extreme life changing event, the kind that would cause anyone to reconsider if transitioning is the right course to continue. Well, prior to that I've had the opportunity to dress in private almost daily ( 5 out of 7 days a week) for two years, if only for short periods at a time. I've practiced make-up, the walk, the talk, the mirrors, the selfies, you get it, and I felt pretty confident that when I picked back up I would be ready to go. …..NOT!  😫.  
    Well, have the house to myself (for the first time in my life!, almost,.... my son's been hanging around some❤️,  Little more than a week ago I pulled the stash out from the boxes and dressed and made-up.       UGH!😩 . Thought this ain't gonna work. CALL IT OFF! What am I doing?????  I looked like an old man in drag!  
    Took a day off and reflected, …..or meditated? Don't know which,  but it worked. Haha.   Tried again, took my time.  Shaved my body, (yep, down there, too). Legs, armpits, chest, arms, back, etc. Eight days later only a little growing back down there;  just shaved again today. The rest no sign of hair returning yet. Have lived most of the last week presenting female in private. Still have gone out presenting male on occasion to take care of errands, like getting contact lenses. Haha. Was a bitch trying to apply eye make-up when you can't see your eyes without glasses!👀 BTW they work! The optometrist didn't have a clue why a 64 year old guy would want contacts, but she's happy and I'm making another friend!  Seems like everyone's so young these days and just wanna be friends 😊 .  So, back at the house, could actually see my eyes and face applying makeup, and with the aid of some "face-lift tape" I looked 80-90% presentable. ( FFS is definitely in my future).
    Today, went out.  I mean WENT OUT!  😍.  Put on my best outfit, made myself up, right down to my nails, looked in the mirror, and decided I was ready. Haven't done that since I was 20 something, and then it was at night!  Noon to two pm, ran some errands, took a drive, felt the cool crisp air. Nobody noticed and there were many that could have!!!! 😎.
    Came home, and logged into First Event to volunteer for the Convention.
    Jess,, feeling better ❤️ .
     
         
  4. Jessicatoyou
    Another article on birthright Citizenship.  Mostly LGBT couples are mentioned here, but I wonder how many cis hetero couples are affected by this?  Is it random? or is it selective?https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/both-parents-are-american-the-us-says-their-baby-isnt/ar-AABGXbe?ocid=spartandhp   
  5. Jessicatoyou

    Happy Valentines Day

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Valentines Day 2021
    Just a reaffirmation of Love to all of you on Valentine's Day!  Our community is awesome, loving, and deserving of Love.  It's one of the best things I've experienced being Transgender! ❣️😉🧐🙋‍♀️  
    Jess❣️
  6. Jessicatoyou

    Where do I Start?

    By Jessicatoyou,

    I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when.  That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year.  There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now.  I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago.  Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's.  I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future. 
    So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl.  Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too!    A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile.  THAT feeling has never left me.  Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume!
    Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes.  Got to try them on.  Love shoes, dresses, everything  feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs.  Love
  8. Jessicatoyou
    I'm in!!  On Cloud 9, (or 10 maybe) at the moment.  The therapist I've chosen, great reputation for transitioning clients, and I've been working on it all week, contacted me and is setting up my appointments, and I should know tomorrow when my first session is.  Still trying to get in before First Event, but most likely will be right after First Event. 
    Real funny thing....just a little story.  This past week I've been helping my son move into an apartment closer to his work.  About an hour away, close to a major city in the State I live in.  Somewhat familiar with the City, as I did a lot of business there some 30 years ago, but haven't been there more than a couple of times since.  So last night he wants me to go with him to a furniture store off the beaten track there as he was told they have a lot of good deals.  He GPS's the location and I'm driving according to his directions( Everything has changed since I've been there!; We pull up and ….it's directly across the street from my therapist's office building!!!!!!  Have never been there before.  I had a good feeling then I would get a call and I did today.  
  9. Jessicatoyou
    I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers.  What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica;  how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue  wishing I had the courage to transition long ago?? 
    I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference.  I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston.  I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety.  My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition.  
    I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't.  You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away.  I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring.  SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!!  Why do I???  That changed my attitude.  Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"?  Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!!  Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇‍♀️
    So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car.  Still Jessica.  I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did,   I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!!
    Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE!  if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!!  Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for  coffee.
    Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could.
    Good Night☺️ 
     
  10. Jessicatoyou

    Just a thought?

    By Jessicatoyou,


    Post Vaginoplasty some observations
    Isn't it funny but sad at the same time, that most of my life was lived in fear of anyone knowing my secret.  Now, that my secret is out; I sense that some people are very afraid of me?  If only everyone opened their eyes.  I dream of that the day when no one will be afraid of each other.
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