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ScottishDeeDee

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  1. ScottishDeeDee

    New Ally

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳
    I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know).  Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and have a really good catch up with my sister - I talk with her regularly on the phone and message quite often via facebook but nothing beats sitting in the same room and just offloading on one another.
    She has been doing a lot of reading about being transgender and was honest enough to tell me when I mentioned feeling like a failure as a man in just about every area of my  life that she never saw me as effeminate or girly - and that simply being raised with girls naturally made me more emotionally aware. She asked if I had read about folk that have detransitioned after deciding they had made a mistake too.
    I love that my sister can ask this and I know it does not come from anything other than curiosity and a desire to help. I pointed out that having girls around does not necessarily make a guy more emotionally aware, but also the fact that I have learnt to hide a lot of things very early on for instance she never knew when I was borrowing her clothes - a point she had to concede...😊 I was the Sherlock Holmes of clothing - it would be replaced in the same drawer open to the same amount and folded in the same way it had been when I took it - short of taping hairs to the door she would never have known I had been in her room. Nothing was ever out of place unless it had come from the laundry basket.
    I also said that when I first started looking at gender videos and blogs I did watch a few videos but stopped because the ones I found all seemed to be from people who had transitioned when young and it wasn't so much that they did not feel trans that made them de-transition but that they could no longer take the negatives from being their preferred gender.
    Though I have been sat wondering W.T.F. I am doing this week. Asking myself if all of this stress is going to be worth it - if becoming female is actually going to make me feel more like the real me or less - especially if I have to teach myself to talk differently and walk differently and wear a wig to disguise my shiny testosterone created dome... am I going to be more me or less me?
    Being transgender is not THE journey for me - I have told a couple of people that trying to find out who I am now I am on my own again is where this journey started, unpicking why I felt so good being dressed as a woman and actually stopping to ask myself why I have felt the need to dress in womens clothing on and off for my entire life is how I have gotten to this point.
    I said that the more I share online the more people seem to understand my thoughts and feelings and experiences and be able to draw parallels with their own lives, and while it is great to make connections with people who truly understand putting yourself under a microscope like this I think part of me was hoping that no one would have had the same thoughts or experiences and I could tell myself that I was not transgender and just stay a slightly kinky bloke forever. 
     
    It was in this frame of mind that I turned up for my consultant's session as the beauty Spa that I had booked myself into to talk about getting my facial and body hair removed.  I had to ask directions twice as the spa is attached to a very swanky hotel in the town, but it means that reputation and service are going to be high even if the price is inflated to match their fluffy white towels...
    I had a brief medical form to fill in and sat waiting for my consultant to arrive, just me - bald guy in a jacket using his male name, the twenty something year old lassie beside me and two older ladies across from me and nobody saying a word or looking at each other - the ladies soon went off to get their nails done and the lassie was then called leaving me on my own. The receptionist bless her did offer me a cup of tea but I have read online that caffeine can somehow make you more sensitive to the pain so I was doing all this without my morning coffee..
    The consultant breezed in with her own steaming mug of coffee and I was shown into the room while she moaned about the lack of parking and being blocked fromher space due to a classic car collection parked outside - I made a comment about the men showing off their new toys to one another and she made the usual must be compensating for something joke and then we got down to business.
    Which areas do you want done? and then why do you want your hair removed - initially I just talked about having experienced being hairless for the first time in my adult life last halloween that I just really was getting fed up of shaving, but in a few more moments she asked again why I wanted all my hair removed and so I said that I had been questioning my gender. Wow - talk about saying the right thing.
    She had been pleasant before, but oh my word if this did not feel like the big reveal at a game show!
    Instantly she asked a lot of questions about if I had attended the local clinic or been to my GP because she is on first name terms with the woman there and that she has lots of other girls come in and I literally got about 15 minutes of sage advice about getting all my ducks in a row before coming out - how wearing female clothing can still be done subtly without the need to wear a miniskirt and become a tart (I am paraphrasing) my response was that with the best will int the world I would not suit a miniskirt even if I wanted to!
    I had to remind her that I have not even had my initial meeting yet, that I was not on hormones and was not even close to claiming sessions on the NHS - but I was there because I have never grown a beard and have always hated my facial hair and the chore of shaving so even if I never went through with transition it is a good investment to never need to shave again. There were other quickfire conversations mostly prefaced with a comment about how she probably shouldn't say anything but I said that other than my two sisters she is the first living person i have told face to face and I always appreciate honesty over back handed compliments.
    From that point on I became dear and sweetie and while she still f'ed and blinded (heavily swore) her way through our meeting it was like a breath of fresh air - she volunteered to put me in touch with the local support group there and confirmed that in her opinion I am right not to say anything to my ex or my children until I am much further a long and that we will talk about make up and where and how to get my eyebrows done and all sorts of things - before eventually getting back to the sessions. Apparently I will not be straight forward - but in my life that is a constant and so I was not expecting anything less - she went through the two types of laser - IPL and NDYAG and said that IPL was like a weed clearer - it would kill of the darkest hairs but be useless against the red and white hairs that my Scottish caucasian genes have blessed me with.
    The YAG laser is much more powerful and will kill off a lot more, but is far more focused and covers a smaller area, which means it takes longer and is almost twice as expensive, and then finally all that should be left would be the white hairs for electrolysis.  I talked about whether laser was a false economy as I did not want to throw good money after bad for a temporary solution and she assured me that the thermal reaction is permanent, it takes many multiples of sessions because of the growth cycles but she can keep me right and will let me know when the best times are to go in and for which treatment - The lasers have improved since she first started working with them, but if you use it on the wrong pigment type it will not get down far enough to excite the hair root inside the follicle to detonate and then pretty much just becomes a fancy way of waxing as the hair is not destroyed.
    She said she had started this 30 odd years ago and was trained in Italy as the lasers she uses were not available in the UK at the time - the good news is that the YAG laser seems to be pretty good, the IPL one she knew was pointless on my face but felt that it wold work well on my chest and back hair where my Pili Multigemini is actually a blessing.
    The test patches were like being flicked with an elastic band in the face repeatedly - unpleasant but not unbearable, and the smell of burning hair I already know from years of throwing hair brush contents onto open fires.. my skin just looks like I have a shaving rash which on a male is not even worth noticing.
    I am going back for my first hour of treatment next Saturday - it is going to cost me an absolute fortune, but the knowledge and openness and understanding of this woman not only put me totally at ease but I was positively floating when I left.
    I then proceeded to the hotel bar where I met my other elder sister for coffee and recounted my session, we put the world to rights and then I accompanied her to a different salon in the town where she was getting her shellaq nails removed - it was not an intentional thing but was again another usually all female space that I came into - after an amazing day I have then collected the children and driven home - normally I would blog abut this on my Monday, but I needed to get it down before I forget the feeling.
    I may have looked and presented male for most of the day, but it actually turned out to be a very affirming Dee day after all! 
  2. ScottishDeeDee
    I do not mean it in that way before anyone panics. I just like the play on words...  
     
    I was just reading a blog by someone who identified themselves as an INFJ woman - a lot of what she wrote made sense, and the 3 times I have done Meyers Briggs I have always been INFP.  Sometimes I drift a little but it comes as no surprise, given the emotional turmoil I have gone through in the last 6 months I thought I would give it a go and see where I classify - I took maybe 3 minutes to answer a 12 minute quiz - most of the questions were dead easy for me to answer because I have literally lived a lot of the situations and know how I respond to them.
     
    The quiz does not "do" much but is designed to help you understand why you behave in a certain way when faced with certain situations, and why you possibly get on with or clash with others - the times I have taken it have all been in work place training seminars designed to improve team effectiveness.  (I know the P as perception rather than prospecting - but it is the same letter)
     
    Thank you for completing our personality test! Here is a copy of your results:
      Personality type: “The Mediator” (INFP-T)
    Individual traits: Introverted – 89%, Intuitive – 63%, Feeling – 99%, Prospecting – 79%, Turbulent – 51%
    Role: Diplomat
    Strategy: Constant Improvement
     
    Here is the wiki explanation of me  
     
    I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFPs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).[5] N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFPs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.[6] F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFPs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic. P – Perception preferred to judgment: INFPs tend to withhold judgment and delay important decisions, preferring to "keep their options open" should circumstances change.  
     
    All in all I am not surprised, it does not change the fact that I work in a position that forces me into an extroverted role in a lot of my dealings with others - but that is why the people parts mean so much to me - and also why I can spew forth so much in my blog because the thoughts and feelings are constantly swirling away! Even when I spend days hiding in my house without feeling a need to speak to someone and then get exhausted by the interaction when I do.
    As someone who is trying to know who I am it is somewhat reassuring to know that this has not changed, and perhaps it offers some insight as to why I agonise so much over everything  - even to the point of trying to write in a way that eliminates the need for gendered pronouns (in case I accidentally offend someone or they read too much in to my choice whether habit or deliberate - can I refer to myself as herself when I haven't taken any steps to actually back that up and would technically be a himself even though I do not really want to be most of the time or themselves which makes me separate out male-me and Dee which is an impossible task? You get the drift...)  
    Do you know what your personality type is I wonder and does it seem to match up with your own thoughts?
  3. ScottishDeeDee
    When I was 15 or so my friend and I discovered the self printing business card machine in the local shopping centre. We were always on the lookout for a cheap way to spend the most time when we were out so we promptly hatched a plan that seemed hilarious to us at the time. We printed out 250 business cards that said (something along the lines of)
     
    "Stop.
    We are the fashion police.
    You are under arrest for crimes against fashion."
    And for the afternoon we became the fashion police, bold as brass running up and handing them out to people in the street or slipping them in their bags or on their dinner trays at the food courts as we passed.
    We got a few chuckles and were called cheeky gits but for some reason no one really took offence - probably because we were just two young lads with very little fashion sense ourselves and we had/have great smiles. It could also be because people recognised that we were not out doing drugs or mugging anyone but simply having some harmless fun.
    I say this because today I would have arrested myself 😂 my male wardrobe is bland at best - but it is designed to be, baggy and boring.
    However once I dropped my son off at his mums after school I came home and decided to practice putting on some makeup - I am not good enough to do strong colours yet so the smoky look I was going for just highlights the fact I had less than 3 hrs sleep last night.
     
    Fashion-wise  I tried to wear a pair of blue denim shorts over a pair of tights - the shorts were from my sisters hand me down pile she gave me to try out when I told her I was questioning my gender and they are fairly long - I have seen denim shorts over tights and while usually it is a look common among the younger generation, like printed leggings, I have seen a few women my age do something similar in spring.
    I tried them on tonight with a top and decided I look like a train wreck (that's the polite phrase - a completely different word came to my mind).
    After painting my nails a dark but different shade I decided that while the top half was okay if a bit amateur hour  - I simply do not have the figure to pull off wearing the shorts.
    So after trying it out in less than five minutes I went back and changed - a red skirt I love and bought from a charity shop when I was feeling brave, but I put it on with the same top and a changed from simple lip gloss to a light pink lipstick and the combination works so much better in my opinion.
     
    Now I know I like skirts and dresses over jeans - I find them more feminine and they make me feel more feminine too, being a UK 16-18 puts me firmly in the average size bracket of most of my female friends but having seen them on I would not be caught dead wearing those shorts outside. They may be going in the charity bin...
     
    I am also torn because I seem to have a small natural cleavage when I put a bra on - it is a sign of the weight that I put on at Christmas and have not yet shifted - my tummy definitely needs to go but I will be quite sad to lose my mini bust. 
     
    If I want to survive a weekend out as Dee some time I am going to have to get more clothes as women do not wear the same clothes for days like men do. I am wearing my long hair tonight because it makes me feel more womanly and it also saves my nice blond hair for wearing out.
     
    I need to do more spying to see what passes for fem casual, below is what I consider to be the new and slightly improved casual look - suitable for blogging, snacking and reading my gender book.. which are my plans for what is left of this evening.
     
    Tomorrow I first have to go and get my car headlight fixed so I can then drive at night without being stopped. Just the thought of lifting a car bonnet makes me anxious let alone asking for the right bulb! On top of that I found out that I need to replace my 2 front tires so will have to book it into a garage too - not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.
     
  4. ScottishDeeDee

    Feeling Different

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    Well this morning has been an interesting one, I've been realising that a few of my feelings have shifted... Since the end of last October I have been using female deodorant exclusively, I prefer the smell and found that the "sure" brand were neutral enough for everyday use without being overtly feminine. I ran out this week and hadn't bought more as the kids have been with me when I have gone shopping, so used my male deodorant for the first time in months this morning and realised that I do not like it at all. I don't smell right. When I came back to my house I actually put some perfume on just to cover the scent.
     
    I also watched a Pixar short called Purl - it is obviously about sexism and chauvinism in the workplace, but when Purl observes the others and then moulds herself to fit in - it managed to capture exactly how I feel around male dominated groups. I'd recommend it, though it does have an adult joke in it so it is not aimed at young kids.
     
  5. ScottishDeeDee

    One small step

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    So today I took another small step forwards.
    I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me. 
    I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year. 
    What a total difference to the last time I tried to call! 
    Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending.
    Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege.
    Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself.
     
    I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support.
     
    This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file.
     
    I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up.
    I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting.
    It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case.  The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make.
     
    For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day!
     
    My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖
     
    XX
  6. ScottishDeeDee

    The List

    By ScottishDeeDee,

    On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity.
    It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender.
    Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. 
    So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". 
    I was surprised about a few things.
    Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her).
    Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬
    Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female.
    It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right.
    I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently).
    As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about.
    🤔🤗👸😯
  7. ScottishDeeDee
    This is attempt number 2 - I have literally taken most of it from my other post and tried to remember what I had written differently!
    I have had this weekend pretty much to myself, normally I spend most evenings wishing I had the time to be me, but whether it is because I have been out a lot or just not had the time I do not know.
    Today though was different, I went to work this morning but as soon as I arrived back home I changed into some leggings and a jumper and did some hopefully subtle eye makeup - I seem to either do too little or too much - and some not so subtle red lipstick - no reason to, I just really wanted to. I put on my favourite wig and when I looked in the mirror I saw Dee, a woman enjoying her weekend.
     
    So a thought came into my head "that is exactly what I should do".  I may not be able to go for coffee as I do not want to be out where I am, and I have to drive for 2.5 hrs to get to the closest population centre where I could relax with a much lower risk of physically bumping into someone I know.
    I decided to go for a drive, I think that seeing someone post countryside pictures recently inspired me so I decided to go on a wee forestry walk, and on a Sunday afternoon as remote as I am, I was always likely to meet others as it is common to go for a Sunday afternoon walk. 
     
    I started plotting.
     
    I put my wig and brand new red jacket  - bought after I chickened out of going out last time - in a bag and put some loose joggers on over the top along with one of my big hooded man jackets, I smiled every time I passed a car just in case they noticed my lips were redder than normal! (I know, like 2 cars passing at 50mph have time to notice that sort of thing) and then when I was around 20 minutes away from the house and less likely to be passed by someone I know I pulled over to the side of the road and took off the man clothes and put my wig back on, now I could openly smile and enjoy singing along to Adele as I drove.
     

     
    I found a good spot with only one or two cars in the starting car park and went for my first walk outside as Dee, my hair stayed on even in the wind, half a mile down the path I spotted a pink jacket coming my way, after a moment of panic I thought sod it and kept going - I smiled and said hello as I passed the only other woman on the path, she smiled briefly, nodded and carried on. British walking etiquette is nothing if not predictable, I do not know if I passed as I have no foundation on, but I met no one else and enjoyed what was probably only a 2 mile walk or 30 minutes in the woods.
    Feeling brave I also stopped and explored some standing stones at the side of the road and took another couple of pictures then arrived home just a few minutes ahead of the rain.

    So I typed this up as I sat waiting for my coffee to brew, listening to the rain on the window and feeling very relaxed and accomplished. Today between being in the car and going for my walk I have spent an hour and a half outside in the real world as Dee.
     
    It was exciting and worrying as I was changing in the car, and then just as I passed the other walker, but other than that I have to say that it felt so totally average being a girl outside, so much so that even after I took my wig off when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman smiling back.
    It may not mean much to others but I really could not be happier that I was brave enough to try.
     
    Best of all though is that I got to wear my new red coat.💗
     
    XX
     

  8. ScottishDeeDee

    Well Chuffed!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    GIC
    Or absolutely delighted for those that need a translator.😆😁
     
    I had my 3 month check up with my gender clinic, and while I don't get told what my levels are, unless there is a complication which needs to be explained the assumption is that the professionals will just deal with what needs to happen. My blood was taken, and the doctor agreed when I said I had put on over Christmas not to weigh me until my next appointment in March (phew!) and my patch dosage was increased up to the next level, which is exactly what I expected to happen. They will continue to increase it until I am on a similar doasage to a cis woman my age and then make changes based on what my body needs.
     
    I spent the dead time in the car park doing my nails 
    and have been able to keep them done because everything I have needed to do today has been either online or over the phone and no one can see your nails closely.
     
    While that does make me happy, what has really made my day was my electrologist phoning me in a total tizzy because she has received a leeter from the Gender Identity Clinic telling her to proceed with my electrolysis and that they will ensure that there is cover for me up to 250 hours as needed, and anyone else who is supposed to be getting funded via the NHS should also be claimed for and not have to self fund.
    It only impacts our healthboard area, but it is such good news for myself and any other women who are using the service to have a written letter confirming that we will not have to go through the expense of trying to do it ourselves once we have linked in with them. There was a lot more to it, but I wrote about it all in my main blog (https://wordpress.com/view/ironicissues.wordpress.com).
     
    Whether it was just timing, or if mine was the straw that broke the camels back, I just don't know, but to go from 15 hours, to fully funded, and to know that my meeting has genuinely made what will be a huge positive difference to the lives and well being of other trans women just makes me so happy I was almost in tears.
     
     
    Here I am waiting to go in to my appointment, this year I am trying to be a little braver abouting just being myself as i get closer to fully transitioning socially.
    My stubble area is already so much lighter than it used to be, to the extent that I no longer need to use an orange colour corrector if I intend to wear make up, but honestly after my meeting I went to the chemist and to the local Burger King drive through and was correctly gendered both times.
    The pharmacist would obviously get it right as they have my prescription and was wearing my mask, but the drive through window does not require a mask and I was "ma'am'ed" for the first time after using the speaker to say I'd ordered online, and then again at the window when I collected the order. Just a fabulous day all round really!
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