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ScottishDeeDee

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  1. ScottishDeeDee

    Bubbling restless energy

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Mood
    This afternoon I cheered myself up  from an emotionally draining morning of work by trying to cut my dysphoria list down.
    I have whittled out 4 pages which dealt more with emotional connections than direct gender conforming and exception examples, and I have tried to use single sentences rather than explain instances, but it is really hard. I'm skimming through 30-40 years here.
     
    While doing this I have realised that I am really, really wanting to start coming out socially. The intertwining of my profession, my children and my friends does make this quite difficult, but I actually started considering sending out a group message to the women in my friend group.(They have a group where they plan get togethers and meeting up and I am literally the only "man" in it lol) I didn't go near FB, but it was a fun day dream. I know I would rather do these things face to face with the people that matter to me, and 2020 has put the kaibosh on that.
    I need to have the decency to tell my mum first so she isnt the last to know, as that would hurt her more than finding out her son is actually her daughter; and then I can come out to my friends, and then figure out how to tell my children and my work at pretty much the same time, by which point I will have hopefully started HRT, but with the mood I am in today that is not the dealbreaker it has felt for me up until recently.
     
    I seem to have a keenness to get going and just get on with it now that my mind has finally gotten on board with the fact that I am DeeDee. I feel like a child waiting to be told they can open their presents!
  2. ScottishDeeDee

    Telling my Teenage Children

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Coming out to teenagers
    This weekend I have finally told my children that I am transgender. It has been emotionally exhausting, but overall pretty much what I expected.
    My daughter is 13, diagnosed with Autism and my son is 14 and also diagnosed with Autism, they are both in mainstream school, both have ADHD and are both very different people. My daughter is extremely creative, and my son is extremely structured and likes routines and stability.
    So....
    My daughter called me midweek asking my views on the LGBT community and I explained that I was very much pro, and so she came out to me as gay and I congratulated her on being herself. During the call we realised that we were going to be in the same area at the weekend and so she asked if she could stay with me and of course I said yes.
    My son was getting his first haircut in almost 6 months and I intended to catch up with my sisters, so she would have lots of time to hang out, she was getting really nervous about telling my sisters the night before and so I told her that I knew that my family would be supportive of her for a fact, and then confided that I was confident because I was trans and that they were all supportive of me, including her nanna (my mum). She gave me a huge smile and so I showed her a picture of me from the other week and explained who knew and who didnt and asked her to keep it secret for now. She asked what wigs I have and was instantly thinking about what she could do with them lol.  Immediate and total acceptance.
     
    She had a great weekend, but coming backl up the road last night I felt that it was wrong that I had told her but not my son who lives with me full time and so when he asked me about us possibly moving in his usual constant flow of conversation I decided to tell him.
     
    He shouted, he told me he wouldn't let me do it, he told me he would stop it, he told me that I was happy and couldn't be sad, he shouted, he cried and he genuinely wailed, but I tried to stay calm and tell him that while on the outside I looked and acted like a man on the inside I felt and thought like a lady and this would help me feel better about myself. I wanted to be happy and be there for him, but that while the outside might look different, and I might talk slightly different to the way I do now, and I would even be wearing wigs, the inside part of me that loved him to bits was not going to change. He told me he didnt want me shouting and moaning at him like his mum and his sister do and that he would be outnumbered, but after about 45 minutes he calmed down and told me that he supported me and that he loved me and that he was going to protect me.
     
    By that point I was in floods of tears so we pulled off the road and gave each other huge hugs and then finished the journey home.
    He asked a few more questions about what he was going to call me and so I said I was calling myself Dee because everyone has called med DeeDee for years, so he could use that if he wanted or even mum1 and mum2, which made him laugh, but I said he would need to think about what he wants to call me, I was always going to be his parent and he will always be my eldest child. He laughed to himself as he thought about me having to pee like his sister does rather than how he does, and I said that would not happen for years yet, but I could tell him more about what happens when he wants to know.  I did say that it has to stay a secret at home as no one at all can know where we are, I may practice to get ready being myself when we move, but only at home or when we are away from here.
    He has found out that his sister has a girlfriend and coped really well with it (Thanks to watching Brooklyn 99 and Cpt Holt and Kevin's relationship) and he has had to learn that his dad, the stable, rock in his world is going to change, and he has taken it all in like the amazing little man he is becoming. I knew the chat with my son was going to be difficult but I really felt lke I had pulled his entire world view down against his will and if I could have taken it back to stop his pain I would have done. I truly hope that this is all going to be worth it in the long term.
    He was fine and laughing again by the time we got in and watched some animated Mr Bean together, and was fine again this morning chatting to me. but wow, what a weekend!
    X
  3. ScottishDeeDee
    I have just had a wonderful Christmas week with both of my children, yesterday I had to take them down the road so they could go or a week with my ex and have a 2nd Christmas, our agreement was to alternate the holidays and she had Christmas last year.
    I am awake again after less than 4 hrs sleep due to a nightmare in which male me was out walking with my mum and we discouraged two kids out playing on their own from going into an abandoned property with broken windows, in my dream the owner appeared in a car just as we were walking away and I was informed by a colleague that he was looking for me and was extremely upset. In my dream I had to track this person down, interrupt a family bbq and explain that while I didn't know the kids I could assure him that my mum who walks with 2 sticks and myself had no intention of doing any B&E on his empty property and were merely trying to stop the youngsters from getting into trouble because at that age all empty buildings either contain treasure or are used by smugglers and pirates.  I have no idea how it went but the guy was livid or I would not have gone looking for him and  I hate confrontation.
     
    Either the dream is due to too much caffeine consumed yesterday and interrupting my sleep cycles or it could be due to not having the kids. I was going to try and fit some Dee time in but my mum who was here for Christmas IRL decided to stay an extra day or two and now it is just us I am considering trying to broach the subject about seeing a therapist to help me unravel my gender issue, you know the fact that while I walk and talk like a man I feel and respond like a woman. I put it off last year and still kind of want to avoid it, my mum has a thing about tidying up whenever she visits one of us children's houses and I was paranoid for the time I was away that she would attempt to help me out by doing my laundry and discovering my Dee wardrobe. (she hadn't, instead she had gone through my hallway cupboard to create bedding sets of duvet covers and pillows)
     
    To top it all off my niece and my two older sisters have told me how worried they are about my daughter, she chose to live with her mum but according to her she is miserable and feeling isolated and often left alone for hrs at a time. I leave my son for a could of hrs for meetings but apparently at least one night a week she is on her own from when she gets in from school until 11 or so at night while her mum is out, I have told my daughter many times that I would love to have her live with me and that I would collect her anytime if she wanted to come back. The children chose who they wanted to stay with when my ex-wife left and neither hesitated. Of the two of us I am the more maternal and have done more of the actual child raising, my daughter tells me she is happy where she is, she loves her mum and misses her when she is not there, the divorce has us both providing full time childcare for each of our children and unlimited access to the other. I can only go by what my daughter tells me but it breaks my heart to think that she might be staying with her mum out of duty - she has already taken to calling the new man step dad and his teenage daughters her stepsisters while my son insists that they are all just his mums friends and raises a fuss when he is with her because in his mind she is trying to replace him with her new mans girls the same way she replaced me with the new man. Autism logic in my son is simple to understand and really hard to deal with - I have to constantly tell him to be nice, kind and respectful to both my ex and her new partner and his kids simply because he can be so nasty about them.
     
    I know that overall my kids are loved by both parents - I struggle with the idea that there is a chance that my daughter and I will end up going through puberty together, I do not want to be an embarrassment to my children.
    I don't know; I have been floundering around for a year now and do not seem to be much further forward, accepting myself is still an almost daily battle. Then when my family respond to something I say with, "that is such a bloke thing to say", or when I was talking about how my ex only gets on with one of her parents at a time my sister said, "that's just like (our B.P.D) mum, they do say that sons look to marry their mothers", they were quips and not meant to be hurtful but they make me feel like I am just a man (which I physically am) pretending at being a woman by simply dressing up (which I do).
     
    Why is all of this such a minefield? Maybe now I've emptied my brain I can get a couple of hrs rest!
  4. ScottishDeeDee

    Well Chuffed!

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    GIC
    Or absolutely delighted for those that need a translator.😆😁
     
    I had my 3 month check up with my gender clinic, and while I don't get told what my levels are, unless there is a complication which needs to be explained the assumption is that the professionals will just deal with what needs to happen. My blood was taken, and the doctor agreed when I said I had put on over Christmas not to weigh me until my next appointment in March (phew!) and my patch dosage was increased up to the next level, which is exactly what I expected to happen. They will continue to increase it until I am on a similar doasage to a cis woman my age and then make changes based on what my body needs.
     
    I spent the dead time in the car park doing my nails 
    and have been able to keep them done because everything I have needed to do today has been either online or over the phone and no one can see your nails closely.
     
    While that does make me happy, what has really made my day was my electrologist phoning me in a total tizzy because she has received a leeter from the Gender Identity Clinic telling her to proceed with my electrolysis and that they will ensure that there is cover for me up to 250 hours as needed, and anyone else who is supposed to be getting funded via the NHS should also be claimed for and not have to self fund.
    It only impacts our healthboard area, but it is such good news for myself and any other women who are using the service to have a written letter confirming that we will not have to go through the expense of trying to do it ourselves once we have linked in with them. There was a lot more to it, but I wrote about it all in my main blog (https://wordpress.com/view/ironicissues.wordpress.com).
     
    Whether it was just timing, or if mine was the straw that broke the camels back, I just don't know, but to go from 15 hours, to fully funded, and to know that my meeting has genuinely made what will be a huge positive difference to the lives and well being of other trans women just makes me so happy I was almost in tears.
     
     
    Here I am waiting to go in to my appointment, this year I am trying to be a little braver abouting just being myself as i get closer to fully transitioning socially.
    My stubble area is already so much lighter than it used to be, to the extent that I no longer need to use an orange colour corrector if I intend to wear make up, but honestly after my meeting I went to the chemist and to the local Burger King drive through and was correctly gendered both times.
    The pharmacist would obviously get it right as they have my prescription and was wearing my mask, but the drive through window does not require a mask and I was "ma'am'ed" for the first time after using the speaker to say I'd ordered online, and then again at the window when I collected the order. Just a fabulous day all round really!
    X
  5. ScottishDeeDee
    I was chatting online recently with someone  about kilts and what makes one menswear and the other ladieswear, I sent an edited picture of me in a kilt when I was best man at someones wedding a few years ago and he made the comment: 
    "If I didn't know about Dee, I would have assumed confident, rugged dude in a kilt, not realizing the dude would prefer to wear a cute plaid skirt and heels. "
    There is a lot of truth in this and a part of what made me say that I must be trans as well as what makes me struggle and doubt sometimes too.  I am known for smiling, I love being around my friends and they know me well enough to know I would do anything I could for them. I have always tried to be honest with folk and so far as anyone has ever known I have always come across as quietly confident in who I am, but there was one side of me that no one ever got to know about.
    Metaphorically speaking I have worn the heels and cute plaid skirt for years in secret, but it was always tied to sexual excitement, when I went out to that Pride vent in summer wearing jeans, a blouse with a cardigan and some heeled knee high boots - it may not have been the sexiest outfit in the world but it showed me that I could just go out and have a good time without there being anything shameful or fetishised about it.  💅💋
    I could carry on presenting as male me and to be honest no one would ever be the wiser - some days it genuinely feels like it would be a lot easier and simpler and comes with a lot less risk.
    But from those who have seen the photos, I just somehow seem to smile more as Dee.
    I will have the same life problems and then be adding more to them if I transitioned the potential loss of my son and daughter (though others assure me that they will be fine), the chance that my mum will freak out, the awkward transitioning for my work and how to do that without upsetting folk when it is not something that will just happen secretly, hundreds of people will find out and make snap judgement decisions and accuse me of lying, of choosing to be controversial, of dishonouring God etc etc, all based on their view of the Bible. The inevitable loss of my male privilege and dealing with the constant daily gripes that women everywhere have, but then also having that extra layer of not being seen as woman enough by some as well. 
    Yet somehow despite all that I keep exploring and keep wondering if I ultimately would be more content. What I see as my depression could lift because I will not be wasting so much mental energy on all the wondering.
    I was out working today and as soon as I could I came home and swapped my suit and shirt for a dress, I have been making phone calls as Dee and I genuinely feel more grounded.
    I would say that I am more emotionally expressive and empathetic because as Dee I can be. I just wonder if it is enough to justify all of the upheaval.
  6. ScottishDeeDee
    Today was my 2nd Sandyford appointment. Sandyford is the gender clinic that has to confirm a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order for me to be prescribed hormone treatment.
    This time the whole thing was far more relaxed and seemed a lot less confrontational. 
    I wrote my in depth thoughts here: https://ironicissues.wordpress.com/2021/06/07/sandyford-2-this-time-its-personal/ if you want to know what we talked about, or even know my thoughts as I write most weeeks.
    Effectively though from her tone and her phrasing I think she has already made up her mind that I fit a gender dysphoria diagnosis and is simply making sure she has done her homework properly. I do think I looked nice in the camera as I was wearing my favourite sea green butterfly top, but it felt far more like a balanced conversation than an interrogation this time.
    I have been realising more and more that the time between me telling my social circle that I am trans and the time between living as Dee 100% of the time is likely to be short and only seems to be getting shorter as I am eager to just get on and do it! lol.

  7. ScottishDeeDee
    So yesterday I travelled down the road for an appointment at the GIC to get my weght and bloods taken in preparation for an appointment this coming Monday when I will hopefully get the go ahead to start HRT.
     
    I had a friend and my son with me so they got to witness the process of me wearing my Dee clothes under a baggy hoody to leave the house and then finishing the transformation in a layby.
     
    I dropped my friend off near his house and my son and I chatted while we waited in the carpark for my appointment.
    I am trying to use my female voice as often as I can with anyone who knows me, but it just comes more naturally when I am actually dressed as DeeDee. It goes up and dow a bit in pitch but I think it is starting to improve and is sound less and less like a put on voice, though to me it is still obviously not natural.
     
    Last time I was here I was presenting male, I walked in, told the receptionist my name and sat in silence. With Covid I had to introduce myself to a nurse at the door who gave me the covid warnings, a mask and some sanitiser and she was super chatty, then because my appointment was running late I had two other random nurses strike up conversations with me and none of them looked at me funny. As the GIC clinic is attached to the sexual health clinic I suspect that these nurses are better trained but I actually found myself wondering if I was passing in these conversations! It was nice to be passing the time!
    when my nurse did come she had a rainbow name badge, and though we have spoken on the phone she re-introduced herself and said it was nice to meet me in person.  She took my weight which at 6pm was 94.6kg or 208.5 pounds (it was 93.8kg (206.7 pounds) this morning) while I am still over weight I am delighted. I was 232 pounds (104.3kg) a few months ago and have been really working on my diet and exercise. 
    I was told my blood pressure was one digit away from being perfect (whatever that means I take it as a good sign!)
    Then my height was 172cm (5 feet 7) No surprises there.
     
    I had a nice chat with her while all this was being done and spoke as DeeDee the whole time, she confirmed that my E will be sent to me as a community prescription so I can go anywhere to get it filled, so DeeDee can get her meds without having to wander around my small nosy town and be outed. My bloodwork is partly to ensure there are no hidden pre existing conditions, but also as a base marker so that when they take my bloods they can see if there are any changes that have been caused by the medication.
     
    It was an oddly satisfying appointment and I am getting quite excited now!
  8. ScottishDeeDee

    Being Seen

    By ScottishDeeDee,


    Mood
    I often wonder whether or not I am doing the right thing The realisation and accpetance that I am trans and living and moving in the wrong social circles has stopped a lot of the huge feelings of self doubt and uncertainty that I have lived with for most of my life.
    I know that transitioning for me is not because I could not continue to live the way I am now. I have always found a way to keep on placing one foot in front of the other; but because I know that the way that I live now is not genuine. I am living a half life and not actually embracing myself to the fullest. The slumps and unrecognised periods of depression, the worries about being less than everyone around me, that feeling of being the cuckoo in the nest, my sense of disgust with who I am, all stem in some way from the fact that I have been living as a man, when everything internally screams to be recognised as a woman.
     
    My niece and one of my Canadian friends both wished me a happy Trans Day of Visibility. Yet I still feel invisible. I have done nothing to transition with my life in any meaningful way so far - as much as I desperately want to tell my mum I am trans and will be changing my presentation so that the outside matches how I feel on the inside I haven't and although I logically know it is just because it is best to do it on person, emotionally it took me so long to build up the courage to say something that the longer I don't say anything the more of a fraud that I feel.
     
    I desperately want to tell my children so that I can stop hiding in front of them, my daughter will be moving soon with her mum and my son knows I intend to move in the future too so they have both been talking a lot about where I may end up and all I can tell them is that I will move when I am ready to move and the time is right - I know that I will not move before I have started hormones because if I did I would drop back down to the waiting list of whichever healthboard I move into. Once I am on hormones they cannot take me off them without doctors and GP's getting involved, and other waiting lists for GRS are a national issue because of the limitation of options. My daughter was in my room two days ago cleaning up a present that one of the dogs had left in protest after I had gone out without them and I realised afterwards that because I hadn't put away my clean washing pile there were hosiery and knickers and ladies PJ's very obviously mixed in with the pile. She never said a word but I went and put my clean clothes away the very next morning!
    I know my kids will need time to adjust but they should not have to carry around the burden of not being able to talk to anyone about me just because I haven't told enpugh people yet. They are teenagers and will either be embraced or mocked by their peers (because teens can be brutal) and they are both diagnosed with ASD which makes social cues and awareness a different experience for both of them. I do believe that when they need to know is after I have come out to my friends so they have adults they can trust to talk to if they need it, by then an accidental comment to the wrong person will not be the end of the world for me.
     
    My canadian friends have actively done a lot of work and it is becoming easier and easier to feel myself engaging with them as DeeDee and not their male friend. The fact that they are actively using my name and are subtley changing their way of talking and joking with me gives me a real boost that really helps me to feel grounded when I cannot dress or look the way I want to.
     
    I want to have that same process start with my other friends, I want to be able to have the conversation with them and let them start the process of working through in their minds whether or not they can accept me, becoming "one of the girls" will take a lot longer, but I already have way more access to that space with regards to chat groups and invites and planning get togethers then the men in our friend group (as in, there are literally no men other than me in them) so I think the no man's land (pun intended) won't take me quite so long to cross. That mental adjustment will take longer than seeing the physical adjustment, which will happen organically when it can.
     
    By the end of this summer I know that I will have told my mum, and my friends and hopefully will have spent at least one or two days or nights as myself in company.
     
    By the end of this year I want to have started the conversation with my work and be looking seriously at how and where I can move to continue doing what I know I am good at, but in a place that lets me make that new start.
    I know who I am in far greater detail now because it has taken a few years of thinking about nothing else to get to this stage.
     
    So much relies on the other dominoes falling into place, I don't think I will be able to change out my wardrobe and wear androgynous or female gendered clothing before I fully come out, I visualise it more as just increasing the times I can be DeeDee in front of others until I just don't go back to the male costume which I think of more and more in terms of stealth.
    When I am socialising as a man I view myself as being hidden in plain sight, when I get to be DeeDee I am no longer hiding. If I have to do that and shave everything 2-3 times a week (daily for my face) then so be it, but I cannot wait for hormones to do all the work anymore than I can wait until I lose the weight that makes me a UK size 18 so I can wear size 14 clothes and feel pretty.
    I just have to be realistic and work with what I have, that is how I move from invisibile to visible.
     
    XX
     
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