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Emilyruns

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Blog Entries posted by Emilyruns

  1. Emilyruns

    Non-binary option

    By Emilyruns,


    Non-binary
    Just an update on how things are going, it's been so long since I've been online here! I've been working through that book by Dara Hofmann-Fox, and it's been super helpful. It's gotten me to start exploring non-binary options, which may be a good place for me to be on the gender spectrum. I've been going out dressed as me a bit. Went to a coffee shop for the first time ever to meet up with a trans friend, and we both brought our spouses. It felt so good to be myself in public! But pretty nerve wrecking. It was wonderful to finally meet another trans person in real life. We had a good time chatting about our own issues and everything else. A few weeks later we went out to dinner in the same style. Funny thing is that both times I did not feel like wearing my breast forms, so I went without. To me that's an indication that maybe I'm not on the far female side of the spectrum. In the mean time though, I have nothing male left in my wardrobe, all my clothes were purchased in the women's section, but still it allows for a look that's not super feminine. I'm liking it, somewhere in the middle.
    Right now I have some house guests for a few weeks, with their kids. And although they are super supportive, I still have less chance of expression like I usually do. It's forcing me to take a break though, which is not bad in itself because now I'm taking a step back and I can do a little observation and reflection. It's taken me to the point to try and stop taking estrogen, but stay on the testosterone blocker. My doc was supportive of this, as I'm exploring non-binary stuff. I'm only two weeks in, and I can't say that I feel any different. Unfortunately just after I stopped taking the pills I got rather sick (not-covid, just a stomach bug), so I still don't know if there were any changes in my mood in the beginning.
    I really wonder how this will develop in the future. My journey started in 2019, and I was on the female side of the spectrum for a good year and a half, before things started to change somewhat and I started shifting more to the middle. Wonder where I'll be a year from now. The journey continues.
    Otherwise there's nothing really new. The new house is still keeping us busy every minute, and if it doesn't then the kids keep us occupied.
  2. Emilyruns

    HRT

    By Emilyruns,

    I just got done with the initial informed consent process for HRT. I can't believe I'm doing this! This is what I've been dreaming about (literally) all my life! I cried and laughed at the same time when I realized this is getting real.
    Love you all!
  3. Emilyruns

    Electrolysis & HRT

    By Emilyruns,

    I'm so excited! Tomorrow first appointments for electrolysis on beard and on my downstairs mixup!
    Already been doing it on back, neck, brows, nose, and ears, so at least I know how it feels. Can't wait. This is gonna be fun!!!
    And on Wednesday I have a drs appointment to talk about HRT. More exceitement! I can hardly sleep!
  4. Emilyruns

    Coming out to my parents

    By Emilyruns,

    This happened yesterday. And this blog entry will be short, because there's not much to tell. I love my parents, and they love me. Unconditionally. They did not see me being transgender coming at all, so I looked at their blank faces for a few seconds. But then they snapped out of it, and they're supportive. Son or daughter, I am their child. They've heard and seen a lot on the subject in the media, so they were well aware what transgender means. That was about it. I had a fantastic day after coming out to them!
  7. Emilyruns
    A few days ago I came out for the first time to a friend. To two friends actually. They were long time friends, and I chose wisely. They were super supportive, hardly batted an eye to the word transgender, and just offered help and support, and we shared many tears. One of them even sent me a few packs of nail stickers to help me feel better and give me another little way of expressing my true self. Super cute! I can't deny though, that I was very scared to do this. Doubt has been nagging at me for months before I finally decided that I really needed to tell them. But there we have it. The word is out to a select few, and I feel very comfortable with it!
  8. Emilyruns

    Bipolar

    By Emilyruns,

    Just need to rant a bit. My new psychologist has just diagnosed me with bipolar. But they never told me about the diagnosis. Now finally I'll be starting some meds! Yay! Once those are in effect and helping I can start thinking about GD and hormones again. AAaaargghh! This is taking waaay to long for my brain to handle all this!
  12. Emilyruns
    This is a long one. If you don’t want to read all of it, scroll to the end. That’s where I’ve posted questions.
    So far my experience with counseling has been very positive. Through a program at my wife's work I was able to get my first three sessions with a good local counselor. He was very experienced and specialized in men's issues, but not specifically transgender oriented. He offered loads of help, also outside of sessions, e.g. via e-mail and text messages. Because we had only three sessions together (they renew every 6 months through this program) we were only able to go over everything rather quickly. Though we did go deep into everything. What this psychologist taught me was what counseling will be able to do for me. It won't solve any problems by itself, but it will help me think through my own thoughts, my emotions, and my personal history. All that stuff compiled will hopefully offer me a path to go forward on. My goal for all this counseling is to make a decision. I'm pretty sure by now that I'm transgender. I'm definitely not a man. At least not you're average man. But how far do I want or need to go towards female? Or perhaps to something else in-between male and female, or outside of those to a third gender? In any case, those first three session were great. But what comes after that? I'm trying to stay within what's covered by my insurance, because counseling can be costly, so my first counselor offered to look at the (very extensive) list of psychologists that are covered by our insurance plan, and picked out the names of people he knows, has worked with, and can recommend for my situation.
    During this time I was already looking on my own for a counselor to follow this first one, and I found The Center (The San Diego Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Community Center) where they offer all kinds of services to the LGBTQ+ community. So I called them, made an appointment, and went in. First was just a brief intake during which I was scheduled with a counaelor, and thereafter every week on Monday nights with this counselor. I love that all of the people there first ask what pronoun you go by. To be honest, I had no idea what to answer, so I just told them that it depends on how I wake up in the morning, which is actually true. Even the intake lady was wearing a badge with 'them/they' on it! I have now been to three counseling sessions and, although they go at a much slower pace, I’ve progressed so far that my brain is starting to grasp the concept of non-binary. So far I’ve discovered that I’m not male, as far the range of male with the societal label of ‘man’ goes. So my brain has defaulted to the binary system and concluded that if I’m not male, I must be female, and I’ve been wanting to fully transition since. The problem was that I’ve only ever know the binary system. I’ve no clue what could be other options on the spectrum, or what they might look like. Through counseling I’m am finally beginning to understand a little. This happened over the past week and I haven’t had such a good week in ages. Whether I’m having a male day or a female day, I seem to mostly feel content. I know for certain that my feminine emotions need expression, otherwise I’ll either go insane or once again sink into a depression. Now the idea was that I start attending a ‘coming out’ discussion group at The Center, where people come to discuss just this topic, and would allow me to learn a bunch.
    Then COVID-19 happened. Everything closed the day I was supposed to first go to this coming out group. Counseling sessions they are trying to arrange by phone. I really hope I’ll be able to continue in this way, because these counseling sessions have really helped, and they’ve become the highlight of my week. But for now it’s still up in the air whether this will happen.
    There are other repercussions of this outbreak too. I have two small children, two boys, and I’m the at-home parent for them. One is 1 year old, the other is 4 and going to preschool. All schools here have closed on the 13th, and won’t resume until at least April 6th. This means I’ll have both boys at home for a full three weeks, and basically we’ll be at home the entire time. During the preschool hours I’ve been able to dress female, and somewhat keep me content. I’ve been trying to slowly introduce my feminine side to them, especially taking it slowly with the older one. I don’t want him to go to school and start shouting ‘guess what guys!? Last night my daddy was wearing a dress!!’ Even at this age there’s already a lot of prejudice, and it might backfire badly. My one year old knows both the male and the female me, and for him it’s no problem. Although it did take him a while to get used to the wig (which I call ‘hair hat’ for him btw). My 4 year old is now used to me wearing skirts at home, and heels, and a nightgown. I was hoping to introduce the full package carefully over summer break, so that he’s used to it by the time he goes back to school, and it’s no longer a special or mention-worthy thing.
    But now I’m facing the next three weeks. There’s no way I can survive that without feminine expression, without fully dressing female. And potentially without a counselor to talk things through with. I don’t think I have a choice but to introduce both boys to my full female side in this period. And sooner would probably be better than later. I can’t deny that I’m more than a bit nervous. Scared actually. Has anyone ever come out to kids this age? How did they respond? How did social interactions go for them afterwards? Any do’s or don’ts? I haven’t been able to find resources for this scenario; anyone know of any leads?
    I have a decent plan in my head to do it, and I’ll have to act quickly. But I’m terrified I’ll do damage.
  13. Emilyruns
    It's not all bad. Some things are really fun. Using nail polish to teach my 1-year old his colours! And he really likes it too! Of course his older brother of 4 is a bit jealous, so I'm making him do the colours in Spanish. Right hand has the rest of the rainbow. Really fun!

  14. Emilyruns
    Hello everyone, my name is Emily. A long time ago I was born a man. A short time ago I started discovering that I may have gender dysphoria, and really would prefer to be a woman. It's both terrible and wonderful at the same time. Terrible, because of very strong feelings of guilt: what am I putting my family through?! And wonderful, because it totally explains how I've felt and thought my whole life. I've always thought that I fancy women's things, because I fancy women. That makes some sort of sense, right? I guess I was wrong and was just fooling myself.
    But what I want to find out is: what do I do now?
    Last October I came out to my wife. She's been wonderful and supportive, and is fine with me cross-dressing, it that makes me happy. But what if this becomes a permanent thing? Or if it goes even farther and I choose or need hormone replacement therapy, surgery, etc.? All of it is exciting, confusing, and terrifying. But at least since October I've been able to express myself freely at home, and those hours have been nothing short of euphoria. One fun thing is that I'm the homemaker of the family, as I quit my job to stay home for the kids. So you can probably imagine me singing and dancing while cleaning the house. I can't deny though that the poopy diapers are still a bit less euphoric.
    I think this will be enough for the first post in my blog. I don't want to put too much into one post. Blurting out all my thoughts could probably fill several books. I'll keep posting with things that are on my mind that I need to talk about. Things in my past, or things that are going on that day.
    Yours with love,
    Emily
  15. Emilyruns

    Flip flop annoyance

    By Emilyruns,

    Lately I feel I'm doing a bit better. Fewer super low dips, and fewer super high highs. Even my appetite has improved (yay! I love food!). But I'm annoyed. Thoroughly annoyed. My brain does what I call flip flopping. It's been doing this for months. I wake up in the morning male (usually), but within a few hours it flips to female. A few hours later again it flops back to male. This back and forth flip flopping continues throughout the whole day, or until I'm too tired (usually around 5 o'clock I hit a wall; life with kids...). Sometimes one side lasts a few hours, sometimes only a few minutes. This used to be a pretty fun game. Hi Emily. Hi Tom. But it's starting to get really old. I don't even care anymore if I'm male or female or something in-between or outside. I wish my brain would just pick one and stick with it. So, brain, stop it already! I'm annoyed and confused.
    On the positive side, I've been reaching out a bit more locally and found a new counselor, and I'll also do some blood tests. The latter tests are for the just-in-case-something-else-is-going-on-scenario. The counselor is from a local LBGTQ+ center. I've been there once now, and everyone is super nice and completely non-assuming. It gives a great feeling of comfort. I'll see the new counselor later this month, and in March I should be able to start with a support group there. With some luck, all this will help stop the flip flops soon.
    Thanks all, for letting me rant and vent.
    <3
    Emily
  16. Emilyruns

    Less fun days

    By Emilyruns,

    Some days are super fun. On those days I feel all female. She's active, cheerful, happy, and it's nearly impossible for her to run out of patience. Three days ago though, she disappeared. Since then I've felt male...ish. I expected to feel like my old male self. But I don’t. It’s kind of like him, but he feels empty, like a shell. Something’s missing, something’s not right. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the old male me. He was a nice person, who was kind and patient and loving to his family. I’m doing all the daily tasks as he would have done them, but it doesn’t feel the same any more. These kinds of days usually come with various other symptoms. I'm short of temper, low appetite, tired, and I feel cold. This also projects on the rest of the family, so everyone is feeling less happy, just because I'm in this bad mood mode, and I can't bring myself out of it.
    After my protective bubble burst last September and I finally started realizing I may be transgender, I decided to try and let things flow naturally, just to see where things would go. I just wanted to stop suppressing my feminine feelings, but I didn't want to push it forward and artificially inflate those feelings. After all, I didn't know (and I still don't) if I want to go through a full transition, or perhaps cross-dressing once a month would suffice to keep me happy. I suppose those are the two extremes of my spectrum. So against my own wishes, this morning I decided to try and force some femininity. I pushed myself to talk and move more feminine, and almost instantly I felt happier. I guess from now on I'll try this more often. If I recognize myself getting moody and grumpy, I'll give Emily a little push forward, and see if she wants to come out to play.
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