Less fun days

Some days are super fun. On those days I feel all female. She's active, cheerful, happy, and it's nearly impossible for her to run out of patience. Three days ago though, she disappeared. Since then I've felt male...ish. I expected to feel like my old male self. But I don’t. It’s kind of like him, but he feels empty, like a shell. Something’s missing, something’s not right. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the old male me. He was a nice person, who was kind and patient and loving to his family. I’m doing all the daily tasks as he would have done them, but it doesn’t feel the same any more. These kinds of days usually come with various other symptoms. I'm short of temper, low appetite, tired, and I feel cold. This also projects on the rest of the family, so everyone is feeling less happy, just because I'm in this bad mood mode, and I can't bring myself out of it.

After my protective bubble burst last September and I finally started realizing I may be transgender, I decided to try and let things flow naturally, just to see where things would go. I just wanted to stop suppressing my feminine feelings, but I didn't want to push it forward and artificially inflate those feelings. After all, I didn't know (and I still don't) if I want to go through a full transition, or perhaps cross-dressing once a month would suffice to keep me happy. I suppose those are the two extremes of my spectrum. So against my own wishes, this morning I decided to try and force some femininity. I pushed myself to talk and move more feminine, and almost instantly I felt happier. I guess from now on I'll try this more often. If I recognize myself getting moody and grumpy, I'll give Emily a little push forward, and see if she wants to come out to play.