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What is Important in a Relationship What I have noticed is that many people create their own loneliness either by not being mindful of what they are looking for in a partner or what they can offer to a partner. Many people think that love just "happens," to them ("you'll know you're in love when it happens to you," as my dear Mother used to say, may God rest her soul). Here's an example, based on my own life, and I recommend people to make such a list so they can be more aware of their needs: What I Can Bring To The Table Supportive personality Fiscally responsible Kind Faithful Committed Monogamous Understanding Not demanding Well-mannered Low maintenance Wide variety of interests Not materialistic Simple lifestyle Not looking for a "Sugar Mama" What My Needs Are Supportive personality No drama No smoking No drugging No heavy drinking Faithful Committed Monogamous Must understand I am on a budget Open to Living Apart Together (LAT) Am allergic to pets/tobacco smoke My partner must be clean and dress neatly My partner must have the same degree of femininity (mid-butch) as me, or more feminine Basically, I could be with a wide range of women, rather than a "type," but they have to have an excellent CHARACTER. This is an example of writing it all down, instead of keeping it all in your head, so that you will have a more clear idea of what you can offer others in a relationship and what is important to you in a relationship.
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All my life I sought a life-long relationship, and, yes, I found true love for ten years, (in my forties), only to lose it for my refusal to marry her (back then, a Holy Union), for fear of losing my Disability benefits and bankrupting her as a result. As I approach my 60's, I realize I have become more complex, because of all the life experience I have been through, making it more difficult for me to find someone with whom I am compatible. What brought this home to me was my experience with four Lesbian dating websites, (from my mid-fifties to the present), where the women my age (59) were more complicated and had more complex demands on a potential partner. Slowly, it gradually occurred to me, that if I didn't find an alternative way of looking at love and companionship, that very likely I would remain single and have no romantic love and companionship for the rest of my life. Gradually, I realized serial brief relationships (with the possibility of a relationship growing into a friendship or even a long-term relationship) would be a lot more realistic. Here are my reasons: WHY IT'S BEST I LIVE ALONE Am set in my ways.Needs to use the bathroom on short notice.Gassy.Terrible odor when I use the bathroom.Never shared my living space (not even with my lover of 10 years).Can not share my apartment and finances due to being on Disability.Needs to live in HUD Public Housing (if anyone wanted to live with me, they, too, would have to be "very low income," too).Allergic to horses, dogs, cats and birds (most Lesbians not only have cats and dogs, but sleep with their pets).Am actually happy with my apartment (and I am unlikely to find as good an apartment - especially HUD Housing - anywhere).Only negative where I live is some residents in Beacon and many residents of my apartment complex, I don't like. Avoid them and save money to take trips every three or four months.Love my building.Management treats me humanely.Maintenance treats me humanely, and does an efficient and thorough job maintaining and cleaning the building as well as making repairs in my apartment. (Most HUD Public Housing properties are poorly maintained.)Very low crime rate where I live. (The lowest crime rate I have every seen at a HUD Public Housing property I have ever seen.)Here are what I think are the advantages of short-term relationships: The Advantages of Short-Term Relationships Due to very low income (some would call this a "budget income," I can not relocate quickly to continue dating a woman (in order to avoid a "U-Haul" situation where I would move in with her, and hope for the best!)Most women do not qualify (very low income) and are uncomfortable dating a woman who lives in HUD Public Housing, especially if it is poorly maintained and is in a dangerous neighborhood.Able to enjoy the relationship before the drama and games begin.Can't find a woman locally to me because of homophobia where I live. (Most women are already coupled before they move here.)Both parties should be single out of respect for other relationships and for themselves.Sex is not the primary reason for such a relationship, but companionship.Of course, there are many other reasons people may choose short-term relationships rather than long-term or lifelong relationships. Would like to hear from others if they resonate with this in their own lives (especially if they are 60 +) and how realistic they think this is. Am I selling myself short? Or am I having realistic expectations for a 59 year old, average-looking woman, who is kind, compassionate, supportive and has many interests? Thank you in advance for your comments!
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relationships Living Apart Together (LAT) - A New Kind of Relationship
MonicaPz posted a blog entry in MonicaPz's Blog
Learned about the concept, "Living Apart Together," (LAT), when I was surfing the 'net for "couples living apart happily," as I love my apartment and my town, Beacon, but miss having a woman (I am a cisgender Lesbian) to love and care about, because my community (Dutchess County, NY) is very TLGB-phobic. My additional reasons are that I am a loud snorer, and have some other habits that I am too embarrassed to talk about. Interestingly, "Living Apart Together," (LAT) came up. Most of the information about it came from England, Australia, and Germany, with a little about it from the U.S. This is probably because the U.S. is a relatively sexually conservative country. How it came about was in England, during their census (like ours, every ten years), they noticed starting in the year 2000, but dramatically increasing in 2010, a lot of handwritten comments on people's census forms, explaining they were somewhere between being single and living together. The British government hired three universities to better explain this new social trend. Most of these couples were monogamous, and had various reasons for being in LATs. Also, without knowing it, I realized that I was in a LAT! Was very much in love and went with a transwoman for ten years, until her friends started getting married (at that time, Holy Unions), and she wanted to get married, too. Was very happy to marry her, but my reasons for not marrying was I knew Straight and Gay disabled people lost their disability benefits due to marriage, fear of bankrupting my beloved (she wanted to marry me anyways), because she would then be responsible for my medical bills and medications (at that time, insurance did not cover Gay partners), she lived ten miles off the bus line (she was ok dropping me off at the nearest bus stop on the way to work), and, as a butch, I was not comfortable with a fem supporting me. Of course, TODAY, I would have had an "underground marriage," (very common even today for people on disability), and would have kept my public housing apartment, using it for storage and as a mail depot, while living with her, just visiting my apartment once a week to clean, check my phone messages and pick up the mail. The advantages may be: Be able to avoid getting "underfoot" with one anotherGreat for those who travel long distances for workBe able to keep the relationship "fresh" and "special"Be able to connect regularly by e-mail, telephone, texting, Skype and snail mailBe able to be more romantic by sending packages and giftsThe disadvantages may be: In a crisis, may not be able to get together as quickly as you may want toBoth of you must NOT have trust issuesWon't be able to share quality time together on a day to day basisMay not be the best way to raise childrenRealized that my relationship was a LAT, even before they had a name for it. Also, I realized had we moved in together, our relationship would have very likely been short lived. Today, I am open to a LAT, either as a prelude to a living together arrangement or as a permanent arrangement. Would try a living together arrangement on a trial basis, and, if there are problems caused by living habits, return to the LAT arrangement. Here are some links about LATs: http://www.losangeles.cbslocal.com/2013/05/10/experts-married-couples-finding-bliss-apart/ http://www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-02-14/features/ct-live-0214-amy-20110214_1_couples-happy-valentine-s-day-private-space http://www.livingaparttogetherlat.com https://www.facebook.com/LivingApartTogetherLAT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doXVCB1KAno https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4-q1h93Csk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ul9YoL7z58 Would like to hear from others who have been in a LAT and/or living together arrangement and what you think about each!-
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The other article on Lesbian Connection that hit me between the eyes was about relationships. ""Where are all the 'real' women?" "I just want someone to be honest and authentic!" "No one I meet knows how to listen and go deep!"" "We offer dating and relationship classes for women, and it's amazing how often we hear this kind of thing from the Lesbians we work with. We have some good news, and some bad news. First - what you find out there is pretty much always a reflection of what you're bringing. Now the good news - when you learn to show up with the beautiful, deep, vulnerable, self-responsible "realness" you seek, you can often magically elicit that same level of authenticity from others. (No, not from everyone. But from many women - more than enough!)" "For example, years ago I went on a first date with a woman who seemed promising. She was a writer, she was smart, she was funny, and I was attracted to her. But something wasn't going quite right. She just kept talking and talking. Every time I made a comment, or tried to interject something about myself, she'd launch into another story." "At first it was okay, because her stories were interesting. But as this went on, I started to wonder: Does she always just go on and on like this? Is she really conceited, or is she just nervous? Does she just not like me? What gives? And as more time passed I thought: If this is how it's going to be, I don't want to date her. What's wrong with her? Doesn't she notice she's hogging all the conversational space? Why doesn't she know how to listen? Does she even know I'm here?" Then, after a while, a familiar litany started up in my head: What's wrong with me? Why do I always end up with women who don't know how to listen? Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. While all these thoughts, fears and frustrations were going through my head, on the outside I was nodding, smiling, being polite, saying "Mmm-hmm," and still trying to get a word in edge-wise about my own life, too." "What I was not doing was - being real." "I wasn't taking the risk to tell my date what I was really thinking and feeling. That means I was giving up at the starting gate and not even giving her the chance to go deeper with me. And I wasn't sharing with her the authenticity that I longed for." "How many times have you found yourself in a similar situation? And how many times have you broken through it by getting more real yourself? If your answers are "a lot," and, "none," you're not alone! Most of us simply don't know how to be that honest, especially with someone we don't know well. Yet how are we ever going to get to know someone well, if we aren't honest with them? It's quite a conundrum!" "So let's take a look at what I might have said on that date: "You know, I'm starting to feel really confused and kind of sad because I find you attractive, but it feels like our conversation is just going one way - and I'm really not sure why, or how to change that." ""You've got a lot of great stories, but I would really like it if we could switch gears and talk about what's going on between us right now. I'm finding myself starting to have some familiar thoughts and feelings that are keeping me from really being here with you."" ""I was really looking forward to this date, but I feel like something isn't going quite right for me in our conversational flow, and I would love it if we could talk about that together and try to change it. Would you be up for that?"" "You'll notice that in each of these statements, I used "I - language" - that is, I'm trying to talk about what I am feeling, rather than make accusations or assume I know what's going on for my date. When you make I - statements, it's easier for someone to hear you - and it makes it less likely she'll argue or get defensive. And, most importantly, by talking about what I feel and want, I am being vulnerable and real. I am offering my date the chance to go deeper with me - if she's able and willing." "As I said before, some women won't choose to take you up on that offer. But some will. And for most of us, all it really takes is one!" "Fast-forward to when I met my partner, M. I can still remember a few key moments when I took these kinds of risks, and she followed, and we ended up connecting much more deeply, because of it. Sometimes it was by e-mail (which for some of us is easier). In fact, that's how I first told her I loved her! But other times it was in person. Once, it was when we were in bed and things just weren't working well for me. Another time, I was having some doubts about whether we should keep seeing each other because I was afraid she felt more for me than I did for her. And every time I took the risk and told her - in an honest, vulnerable and present-moment way - what was happening inside me, she met me there. And that's a huge part of why we celebrated our eighth anniversary - and why we keep growing and going deeper together every day!" "And it's also a big part of why we started our website (http://www.consciousgirlfriend.com), in order to help Lesbians who are struggling with relationships, learn how to create deep connection. We offer coaching, retreats and classes, such as "Communicate and Be Heard," and, "Take Charge of Your Relationship Destiny."" - R. Found this an excellent article, and I would like to make some comments. Feel the writer was engaging in what I call "emotional masturbation," also known as "diarrhea of the mouth." Most of the time, this is caused by runaway anxiety, and R. did an excellent job of supporting her date to get a grip on her anxiety, instead of stressing her further by trying to get a word in edgewise. The other comment I have is that R. is a butch, and her partner is a fem, and butches have to be sensitive to how fems perceive a relationship. Fems, are, by nature, more sensitive than butches, and expect butches to gently lead the relationship. Forgive me, but it is the butch's job to pleasure the fem in bed, but I applaud this butch for having a conversation about it, instead of breaking the relationship off. In my opinion, I find people (not just Lesbians) don't give a relationship a chance to bloom, looking for every excuse to break it off, for fear of intimacy. How do I get past this? Building friendships, sometimes for months and even years, to build emotional safety for both. As I am getting older, I realize I have to speed it up a little bit. With the love of my life, we were friends for two years before we became romantically involved, and we slowly went about it. Not a big fan of Internet dating websites, as I use touch (in the respectful way) and touch is my major communication tool. Highly recommend Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Languages of Love," even though it was written for Straight people.
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Last week I received a friend request on Facebook from a man I don't know. Usually I only allow either people I know or people that are connected to my current friends. Well not sure if this one was a mistake or not as of today. It started off immediately, each morning he would message me asking how I was doing and would respond in a way that nothing could be construed in any way that I was interested more than being friends. This morning it became apparent he wants to date me. There are several issues here, the first is me (do I need to explain lol) which I fully disclosed this morning about my gender in which I spelled it out. He comes back and says "are you a male" and I responded in more details about having zero male parts. I expected no reply and for about three hours no a peep. At this point I believe this is done but I then get a new message indicating he wants to continue which leads to issue number two. He lives in New York which is on the opposite coast. Now before going farther, this is indeed new territory as I am much more attracted to females than males. When I look at a cisgender female I see beauty not just in the physical shell but in their being. When I look at a man something comes out which is primal, void of any conceivable notion of love which I get with cisgender females. Even with that my mammalian brain in a warped sense is driven to like men but at the same time feel like a female pray mantis that eats her mate after sex (not I did not say make love). Now that is a statement in and of itself and wonder what a therapist reply to that would be? I am starting to think if he progresses with his actions with intent to date I will need to politely tell him I am not interested.
