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I came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again. The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder. It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month... I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well. Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?" Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical because...you share it. It's not yours. Not really. Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not forget....you share that too. Your most intimate thoughts...you share. Your most secret fears...you share. Your most tragic memories...you share. Nothing is yours anymore. Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages... If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore. Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs. This is why it confuses me. Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him. And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle. Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity. Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact. Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person. Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.
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How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out. Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from my balloons of hell. Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either. Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well. Really hoping -Ren Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD
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Hello again, my Lords, Ladies and Majesties. Up front I want to apologize for my outburst and dramatic exit. Stress has been neck deep over here and I unfortunately dove head first into the fritz so bad that Ms. Frizzle would surely kick my not-so-royal behind. I took a break and tried to collect myself again, but I cant promise that I'm back up to par. I still have a LOT going on over here but I'll do my best. Please forgive me if I mess up on my swearing and stuff again, but yes, I did read the rules and whatnot. Thanks for letting me know about those, I hadnt seen it posted and totally missed out on it. I'm trying to think of new, inventive ways to get out my annoyance with words much more innocent (and maybe amusing). I have a bad habit of swearing, I'll admit it fully. I put full blame on that with how I grew up Vermonters swear WAY more than we need to Anyway, I guess everyone wants an update (sorry if I start sounding like alex, he's on the edge of consciousness to let me know when I'm swearing again and sometimes his influence tips into my writing >.< ) So my little brother has been dragged to the depths of Georgia and every day he messages me it still irks me to no end. Not because he's messaging me! No way, I love him messaging me. It lets me know that he's okay at least. No he messages about all the shinanigans my older (and much less intelligent) sister is up to, normally barraging poor Kai with insults and criticism about being transgender and having his absolute own fashion sense (he seriously does lol kids today ) It annoys me so bad that she treats him like that and there's nothing I can do about it. I legit cannot even explain how much it annoys me without going back into my swearing fest (which I'm avoiding ) Otherwise he's alright. I plan to send him a phone card for his no-contract phone, some t-shirts (since my dead beat mother doesnt buy the poor kid clothes ) and some other random stuff so he doesnt get too sad down there. My mom is beyond ridiculous. Poor Kai, when he was visiting, came into my room all pouty and said he had to wear his boots when we were going out to lunch. When I asked why, he said it was because his shoes had finally broke. His converses, over two years old, full of holes and tears had finally decided to quit on the poor kid. You'd think, being a mom, that the darned woman would have bought her kid new shoes when they first started to break! No, she'd rather buy herself new shirts and new cowgirl boots.....UGH!!! It took me 20 minutes of convincing Kai to let me buy him shoes, giving him the end choice of buying guy shoes with me or dealing with mom buying him girl shoes later. I think it was the only reason he said yes, and it made me feel better knowing that he was being sent to Georgia with new shoes at least. With all that aside (for now more drama is sure to come), this sunday is the 13th. My Surgery Consultation. I'm supposed to meet up with Dr. Robert Feins in Manchester NH, and a lot of people have said he's amazing. I've gone in for a consultation with him before and he is, I'll fully admit, awesome. He's super friendly and if you guys remember my blog about my first consultation with him, he's extremely thoughtful when it comes to pronouns and whatever. So I'm kind of glad to go back to him in particular, but I'm also really nervous. I have a new insurance this time, and one that someone else said had approved them for top surgery. I know that I cannot do a full removal (bummer, believe me, but I totally understand the reasons) because of my weight. Reason being that if they went totally flat chested when I have kind of a belly on me, it just would not look natural. My plan is to have them go as small as they will let me, and then I'll be able to work out easier and work it off. If I have to go back in a few years to finish it, so be it. But I'm nervous because what if my new insurance is like the last one and says no? What if they tell me I cant do the surgery without hormones, which will surely end my relationship with my boyfriend? I kind of want hormones, but I want to keep my boyfriend even more. I can totally understand HIS side of everything in not wanting me to go on hormones. I mean, come on, give the guy a applause will you? Justin's 10000000000% straight (was homophobic when we first met until I whipped it outta him! ) and he's dating a transguy. He let me change my name, my pronouns, my gender marker---cut my hair, change my style, etc. For a straight guy, that's a lot of leverage! We've been together 6 years this september. I cant just throw that away for a deeper voice, some muscles and facial hair (which I already fight with). So, yeah....Maybe nervous wasnt the right word. Okay, confession. I'm terrified. I dont know how I'll be able to deal with being denied surgery again. I only have 233(?)$ out of 9,000$ needed for surgery if I pay for it myself, on top of us trying to safe $ for an apartment so we can have our own place and so I can rescue Kai out of my mom's abusive household. I'm broke guys, like....legit broke. I have 20$ in my wallet right now and that's for gas money. Spring Break is here which stinks for us people who work in the education section, meaning my 30hr work week is down to 12hrs a week. My paycheck is going to be absolute bologna ((Really hope my substitutes for swears is okay so far. Let me know!!!)). I think in the bank, I have a maximum of 300$, which will be gone by the end of the week because of car payments. I swear, not only can I not keep up, but I cant seem to stay afloat lately either. Granted I got my taxes back, but I didnt even break 1k$!!!!!! It's almost not even worth filing taxes So frustrating!!! I want to get a second job but I cant because then I'd lose my insurance. (I'm the one face first on the ground.) Anyway, That's basically life right now. Chaotic, annoying, frustrating, the works. Oh yeah, then someone told me I need to drink a cabbage/carrot/turnip drink. 0.o Like, what!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!? Oh yeah, and I've been going to the gym whenever I think of it and working out more on the treadmill and stuffles. 5pnds down! Which.....I'd gained from junkfood.....my bad. -Ren P.S. It was a rare 65F here in New England today ((IN MARCH!? WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! REVEAL YOURSELF, TINY WIZARD!)) So here's some pics of me and my Massive Moose and Fuzzy Friend, (Black Lab/Great Dane) Angel and (Collie?) Ziggy; Both rescues.
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TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains mention of--Self harm, abuse, self image, depression, and other possible triggering topics. You. This is something that has crossed my mind in recent events, and I shamelessly must let it out else my mind may explode. You. Male. Female. Transfemale. Transmale. Non-binary. Androgynous. Gender Fluid. Fae, they, him, her, we, zei, zem..... Pronouns and identities. More than I could ever count without assistance, but all are just as important as the next. I couldnt possibly name them all without looking them up, for the variety of people are as vast as the drops in the ocean. These were all things very much foreign to myself no more than two years ago. Had you asked me two years in the past, I would have simply replied that there are two genders, and Ren. Had you asked me if there was anything aside from men and women, I'd have said no. I'm no fool to lie and say that I knew about these sorts of things several years past. I'll admit fully that things I know now, I never new before. I never even assumed such things. But there is something that I do know, and had I known about this wide world of other identities back then, it still would have applied. The respect that you show a ciswoman when opening a door for her is also the same respect you should show a transwoman. The same respect you show a cisman who has done something admirably masculine, you should also share to a transman. The respect you show to anyone, regardless of gender or identity, should not be narrowed down based off who you think is noble enough to have it. It does not matter if that person has done something you feel is outside of your opinion of their gender, such as a feminine man or a masculine woman. They're people. Not an object. You cannot pick and choose where your respect lies. A hero with a revised birth certificate is no less a hero than a person with an unaltered. Your gender is not what is within your pants. Your value is not established by what, or who, you identify as. Your value is established by you. By the respect you show to others. By the compassion you show and the willingness to learn when others are trying to teach you about themselves. Regardless of the lesson or the context, you have the responsibility to show your attention; even if you dont understand at the time. It doesnt matter if you have marks on your flesh from burns, cuts, bruises or starvation. It does not matter if you wear small sizes or large sizes. It does not matter if your flesh is pale or dark or perhaps even the shade of the Grinch. You are your own value. A high, beautiful value. Your reflection may not please you, and this is something I understand fully. My own reflection is not, in many ways, my own. But that makes me no less a person. I am who I allow myself to be. I wished in so many ways, that I could see myself the way others see me. That way I could either love what I see, or know what it was that made them treat me so foully. But the truth is, you dont need anyone's approval. You dont need to mold yourself into what everyone else is. You have already been molded beautifully, flawlessly. But it is up to you to put that masterpiece in the kiln and finish who you are. You can paint your colors along the way, but you cannot successfully paint the surface until you're done trying to mold. The truth is, you are a beautiful soul. A beautiful person. And no, it does not matter who is reading this. You may be going through hard times, and others around you may or may not understand it. Not fully, anyway. There are always pieces of our pain that we never give to others, sometimes in shame and other times simply because we dont want them to suffer with us. I understand that. I'm still struggling with it. You may be battling sickness, or mental turmoil, or perhaps emotional tragedy. You may be self harming in one, or many, of a vast array of ways and not even know it. You may think "it's just a scratch" or "it's just one meal...". But it's not. Not to me. I may not know you personally, but I do care. If you dont believe me, just message me. We'll talk about whats going on, and we'll get through this together. In case no one has ever told you, you are beautiful. You are not fat. You are not too skinny. You are not ugly, you are not worthless, and you ARE worth so much more than you think. Your life is more valuable than their opinions. You do not need to watch your feet in shame and hide your face from the world. You have committed no crime worthy of self hate. Even Hannibal Lector knew that, despite his horrendous crimes, he was still a person. We've all done things wrong. And we all have things about ourselves that we not only dislike, but cannot change. But that does not make you any less of a person. You are valuable, and you are worthy of affection, protection, forgiveness and appreciation. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better, I mean it. I mean it for you and for myself. It's difficult and its frustrating, but you..my dearest reader...need to forgive yourself. For what you may ask? For doubting yourself. Everyone has doubted themselves at one point or another, but perhaps you do more than others around you. Dont. You're so much more capable than you let yourself be. I believe in you. Me, a stranger living lord knows how far away. Forgive yourself and move on, move up, and move higher. Something that Ren and I have taken very deeply is a speech from a Rocky movie. Not because it is possibly our most favorite franchise ever, but because when we hear it, we hear his father. I'll type the words, but please watch the scene. "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!" "I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens". But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaO8K1JSJuo) This, shamelessly, brings me to tears almost every time. And whenever we're in a tight spot, I search through our ipod and I find this and we listen. My point is, be yourself. No one can be you better than yourself. It doesnt matter what other people think about you. They dont know you like you do. No one does or ever will. I cannot promise that you wont loose people along the way, but if they walk away from you, they were never there to begin with. You're a treasure, not a burden. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Message me, or message me and ask for my number and I will gladly text you. You're worthy of appreciation and affection. Especially from yourself. And dont you dare let anyone tell you any different. Afterall, if they call you a freak, take it as a compliment. Freaks have the best understanding of the world around them, have fought the toughest battles, and as it's been said countless times over the centuries.....Us freaks have to stick together. Sincerely yours, A proud Freak, Alexandru
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Good Evening Ladies, Gents, Faes, and every other possible person who may be reading this regardless of identity or pronoun. That particular sentence is something that I can be proud of...I do have a confession to make, but perhaps the topic of my blog first? Yes, I do think that this would be the best tactic to use first and foremost. I do warn you, however, that this post is very long. Thursday. That day, in a childhood long past yesterday, was a day in which I would usually spend from sun up until sun down with my blistered hands around a roughly made ax, chopping at firewood for the family hearth. It would keep us warm far through the rugged nights, far too soon for spring but no longer dead winter. Life in the Romanian Mountains were not easy, regardless on if you prefer to think of my story as truth or falsehood. Perhaps these memories that I keep as my own are made in my own false assumptions. A story that I had intended to tell, made up and woven together for a book that I havent yet written. Or, perhaps, they were indeed a life that I once lived. Either way, they're far too clear and dear to me for my assumptions of deception. Regardless, winter is harsh on many people for many reasons in many countries. Romania, you'd imagine, were no different. Our winters usually ran much longer than the average winter in America, and although winter in the north east of America usually is rough and not for the weak--this year has been alarmingly and vastly the opposite. This time last year, we were plowing our driveways from five feet of bitter cold snow and unforgiving wind chills of around -20F. This year? No, no, this year is very different. This year we've had a week a rain, followed by a week of snow. A week of freezing rain and miles of ice skating roads, then followed by 60F and biker short weekends. Some are happy for it, some are not. I'm sure that the lack of freezing temperatures has been forgiving to the elderly, but the ice has not been. It is a difficult thing to judge when you have so many different angles to look at it from. This is something that was heavy on my mind as I drove an hour and a half away from 'home' in New Hampshire, staring at the bare patches of dead grass where snow drifts should be. Bears awakening from hibernation in confusion and hunger, only to wonder if they're supposed to go back to sleep or ride out the returning cold. The interstate I drove on had become littered with raccoons, a bear, countless deer and I dare say; even a few bats. Nature is beyond confused. As were I, though it were not the weather which had confused me. Ren and I recieved word from his mother that she is leaving for Georgia, as planned, and would like to meet with us for lunch before they go. Ren immediatly agreed, wanting nothing more than to see his little brother and two nieces before theyre ripped from his life once more. But, sadly, he requested that I take the wheel in most parts as he will not have the courage to stand up to the disrespect his older sister bestows upon him. I gladly accepted, since I do not get to spend much time with his family and want to develop my own understanding of them. Oh, did I ever... His older sister made it clear that we were going to 'Friendlys' for lunch, despite Ren insisting that there wasnt one in that town. He should know, he frequents this town rather often for monthly shopping and errands. After demanding he just do as she said, he shrugged it off and agreed. She called back soon later, saying their going to 'Pizza Hut' instead. Which he chuckled at, knowing theyd been shut down for some time due to an outbreak of food poisoning and bad review. Once more did she call, but this time to confirm that there even was an 'Apple Bees' and actually listened when he explained that they moved, but yes, there is one. I drove us there calmly, reassuring him to breathe and try to remain calm when she is rude, and keep a brave face for his little brother's sake. He agreed, and we got out of the vehicle. She were there before us by only a minute, in tow with his little brother Kai and his niece Kairi; informed that his mother and the others would arrive shortly. They found a table large enough for the big family, and we all sat down to wait. The waitress came and asked for drinks. I, unfortunatly, got slightly confused and caused a bit of embarrassment. Something about drinks on-tap, or on the fountain, make us ill. Sodas, for instance, that are not bottled. I said on-tap, and was attempting to explain to correct myself, but Amanda (the older sister) made a charade out of it to make me look like a fool and didnt know what I was talking about. Annoyingly, she and the waitress had a laugh about my confusion and I went with a simple bottle of water. Soon enough, Ren's mother appeared. In her wake was her Husband, Ren's new stepfather, who has so far managed to stay out of my wrath. His youngest brother, Jordan, was also there. An unexpected surprise, but not unpleasant. In fact, he's one of the few that Ren and I can correct on the deadnaming without confrontation. He normally just falters but corrects himself and giggles. Autistic, but not unintelligent. The meal was ordered on three separate checks, Ren taking ownership of his own meal that he shared with Kai. Something of the normal considering their tastes and appetite are much of the same. They talked of random things, Amanda constantly referring to Kai as his old, feminine name. Ren and Kai would exchange looks but say nothing, knowing it's just her cold hearted self, per usual. Much to our delight, Ren's mother managed to call him Warren instead of Kristy. Which was surprising and reassuring. She seems to be managing, so far, not to anger us. Even his stepfather, Joe, slipped up. Ren, too nervous to say anything, asked me to step in. I gave him a short and toneless "Ren" when he said Kristy. His mother gave Joe a look as if to ask him to cooperate, and he quickly did. Aside from the loud and embarrassing blabbering of his older sister, the meal went more pleasantly than expected. I (in Ren's stead) were mocked for being such a healthy tipper, despite the waitress being rude to me. I have no shame in this. I always tip well, be it the waiter/ess or our usual hairdresser. Old habits. But now were the time in which Ren took a step back and allowed me full fronting, knowing this were the hardest part. Good Byes. Saying Goodbye to Kai went easier and less tearful than the last. He had finally been given the two gifts that were promised months ago. His lip ring and his phone, much deserved in order to be dragged across country. His mother used Ren's proper name, as did Joe and Jordan. Kairi and Mackenzie still refer to him as Aunt Kristy, but what else is to be expected when Amanda is their mother? Then came Amanda's turn...She wrapped her arms around me, but I did not return the gesture. I stood there coldly, staring at her. "What, I dont get a hug?" she asked. I smiled in spite and arched a brow, staring into her face. "What's my name..?" I asked her, knowing she'd never say it. She jokingly said a word that, in other terms, refers to a female dog. In which I shook my head. "Exactly. You cant even say it, so why should I offer you a gesture of affection when you cant even show me respect?" She didnt get her hug. And she doesnt seem to like me much. Which is fine with us. It's mutual. They may be Ren's family, but I have that pleasant understanding that my own biological family is far beyond their graves. Their times ran short generations ago, so I have the benefit of choosing my family. Kai is my family. Ren is my family. My headmates are my family. I dare say even my friend Destinee is in my family. Only I can choose my family. Amanda is not in it. Neither is Joe or Ren's mother, yet. I can always choose otherwise, but they must earn it. I do not trust easily, and if you earn my trust, do not make me regret it. My wrath is fierce and forgiveness be few. I've been a part of this game a lot longer than Ren or any of his loved ones, and I'll not be crossed as easily. As an end note... Please, I do emplore you to visit my next blog post. It were meant to be in this one, but I'm afraid it's dragged a bit long. Please do visit my blog post titled "The truth about You". Thank you for reading and listening to my rambling, Alex
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So, for various reasons, I've decided to take a semi-perminate break from blogging. I just have nothing positive going on in my life right now and I dont want every single blog post I put up to be negativity and venting. I'm just.....tired. Nothing I say is right anymore, and somehow I always seem to anger someone. Last night I was basically yelled at for my blog post being insensitive and rude and it severely made someone mad at me, and later it was brought to my attention that I swear way too much. (Which is true, I wont lie. No hard feelings, I know I had WAY too many swears in there. It's cool, no worries.) I was requested to take some swears out, which I totally would have done but I decided I didnt like the entire post so I got rid of it. I just...need to take a break. I just dont feel that any of my blogs are productive or encouraging to the transgender community anymore. Seems like any attempt I make to patch things up with people only make them more angry. My offer to forget about the release form thing for the book, out of nothing more than non-hostile or insulting manners, came off as rude and pig headed so now that person is all mad at me again. I just...I cant do anything right. I bought new shoes and stuff for my brother because he didnt have any, but it made him upset that I was buying things for him. I bought a stuffed toy for someone who's sick to make them feel better, and got a lecture about spending money. I tried to make food for someone because they were hungry, and all they did was say it was disgusting and made them sick. I'm just so sick of trying... Maybe when...if....something good ever happens, I'll start writing again. For now, I think I'll just go back to my dark corner and stay quiet. Stuck in a rut, Ren
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Good Evening, everyone. I do hope that everyone has had a pleasant day or evening. So far, mine has been rather uneventful and dull, aside from the taunting scent of fresh baked brownies coming from the kitchen. I've been informed that I'm not allowed, sadly. Warren has had us on this new kick of exercise and trying to eat better. I dare say, his sandwich he'd made with turkey, salami, cheese, spinach and red pepper hummus nearly forced me to vomit mid-bite. I do not think I'll be doing that again. On the side, we have been going to the gym whenever we have time and taking some time on the treadmill. 30 minutes so far, an average of 200 calories burned both times. We'd like to go more often, but we only go after-hours where we work (with permission) when no one else is there due to anxiety of working out around other people. Doing such demands we get there at around midnight, unfortunatly. It's been alright, so far. It's good to get out of the house and just get on a treadmill and watch a big screen while we work out. Honestly, my legs dont feel so restless at night now since we've been doing it. It has been surprisingly pleasant. We havent lost much weight yet but it's still very early in the routine so perhaps just to give it more time. We go back to see the surgeon Dr.Feins on the 13th for a revised consultation about the top surgery. Only after we get that done can we go ahead and send the paperwork to the insurance company and pray to all Gods known to man that they'll approve us for assistance. Or at least a loan of some sort. We're all very much counting on some assistance with this. We greatly appreciate everyone who had donated to the cause, and although the site forced us to withdraw the funds thus far, they remain in a box unspent and saved for surgery. Or at least some after-care products after the surgery is done, as it's not even 10% of the cost of the surgery. But it's all appreciated and much better than nothing!! Life has been slightly more quiet with the alters lately. Everyone seems to have settled down slightly and become more cooperative. Milo is surprisingly quiet, mostly entertaining himself with some game with Mathias. At times, Mathias will disappear altogether, most likely to his own headspace. Abby has decided she wants to change her name from Abriella Marilyn Dahlia to Harley Abriella Marilyn. No one has disagreed with this idea so I now have to get used to calling her Harley and not Abby. It's been more difficult that you'd think. Ben is more active lately, taking over while driving or coloring or watching television. Ren has settled a bit, seeming to have a more normal awake schedule and taking over more often, as he should. There's perhaps an inkling of yet another alt but thus far it has been nothing more than a thought. A presence noted, though it could very well just be the manifestation of one of the other alts popping in and out. I've yet to be able to identify solid tell-tale signs of specific alts, aside from scents. Milo tends to have a more childish smell, a bit like that scent you find on a young baby. Mathias tends to smell more like incense or a perfume of some sort, or perhaps a bath oil. Harley tends to smell more flowery, like a deodorant that Ren used to wear. Ben has a different smell, more boyish but not exactly a masculine scent. More like...perhaps popcorn mixed with axe deodorant, if that makes any sense. I cannot smell my own scent, as most people dont identify their own smells. I've been informed that I usually smell like sweat or fire smoke, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. Harley swears that it's a good smell, but that sounds drastically unattractive to me. Lastly, Ren tends to smell like Axe Pheonix and tea. Naturally, of course, considering those are his two most freuquently used items. I'm attempting to study these details more thoroughly in order to gain a sense of awareness to presences in alts. It's more difficult than you'd think. As if trying to memorize the order of a constantly shuffled deck of cards. Not impossible, I imagine, but very difficult. On another topic, we've been rather busy with our artwork. Though I'm disappointed that I can no longer 'draw' as well as I imagined or, frankly, remember being able to; I do find myself a slice of peacefulness by coloring sketches instead. We find pages online and have Justin's mother print them while she's at work, and we've secured them into a 3ring binder in page protectors. Everyone has a few tags with their initials on them, and they can 'claim' specific pages that they like. But only a certain amount of them at a time, only allowed to claim another page after one of their own has been finished. That way no one can claim dozens more than the next person. At present, Milo hasnt done any. They're a bit too 'grown up' for him, being detailed and whatnot, and he has his own cartoon coloring books. Though he's expressed no interest in actually coloring in them. He's been extremely quiet lately and sleeping a great amount. Perhaps when certain alts become more active, other alts become less active. Like a battery switching between certain lines, perhaps. Just an observation, of course. I'm not a scientist, nor a doctor. In terms of Ren and my writings, we've become rather accustomed to taking turns writing paragraphs. Depending on who has the best idea at the moment, we take our turns either when our creativity runs out or the other has a fantastic idea or scene that they'd like to add in. Of course, we take each piece into consideration instead of blotching together a confusing puzzle. But it works out, nonetheless. He's put me in charge of a few of the characters while he's mostly in charge of plotlines and altercations. The main character seems to be mine at the moment, which is nice. We've had a bit of a disagreement in regards to one of the characters, particularly her personality and appearance. He'd like to alter her in regards to copywrite and not wanting to overshadow a good friend's already-created character. I insist that he's being silly and to leave the poor character as she is, that I rather enjoy her with how we'd envisioned her. But he's starting to see the character in a different light than I am, and is threatening to scrap her altogether. I wont allow it, of course. To me, characters are people. They're creations of the mind and I take great care and appreciation into each one. Even the ones intended to be the less good or the evil doers. Any character's death is taken into a huge consideration to me, and I do not take lightly to simply writing out a character once I've envisioned them fully in my mind. Ellenora is a person to me, and not just fiction. She is caring, compassionate, intelligent and has a very large capacity for love and appreciation. She's gentle in the heart and soul, but firm when the time prompts for it. Even her appearance is set in stone to me, though he has agreed to allow me to change a few things. Her hair is a bit of an auburn color, not entirely red but vastly more crimson than chestnut. Her eyes will have a hue of green, though mostly a soft shade of brown. She has pleasantly rounded cheeks and an affectionate smile, causing little wrinkles towards the corners of her eyes when she shows her true happiness in things. This is not just a character to me. She is a dear friend, and a large piece of this puzzling book series. Without her, I fear the book will be lost. The plotline to ruin and the main character to be doomed to wandering without cause. He fails to see the reasoning for my compassion for fictional characters. But as I see it, characters are a piece of the writer. Little pieces that they do not show the world themselves, but through their art. That is what writing is to me. An art form, for it is just as challenging to me at times than it is to the painter before his canvas. I'm painting a picture and I want it to be perfect. I'll not have him switching my paints or smudging my lines. With that subject aside, we come to another event that has prompted my attention. While out to lunch with myself, Ren's brother Kai and his boyfriend Justin, we were enjoying a pleasant meal at a favorite restaurant. I ordered a drink that Ren normally wouldnt, prompting the attention of Kai, who is aware of my existence but understands not to out me. When the waitress were taking our orders, she noted to the fact that Ren was helping Kai order his food. Kai has a bit of a social anxiety as well, so he was helping him decide on what he'd like. The waitress thought this was cute and sweet, and smiled nicely and asked "are you two sister?". Well, to be honest, neither of us liked this at all, and Ren knew that it would bother Kai as well, as he is also transgender. Immediatly, though perhaps a little too sharply, Ren replied "No, we're brothers." The woman seemed a bit perplexed by this for a moment, but Ren stood his ground and Kai agreed. The waitress acknowledged this with confirming that she'd heard him correctly, and she had, and she left to put in our orders. Justin expressed his irritation that Ren had been rude by his tone towards her, so he'd made an effort the rest of the meal to be pleasant and smile to her nicely. Though I'm sure he didnt mean to snap, I'm glad that he didnt submit to her assumed gendering. I really wish that people would take more consideration into their words before letting them slip. To us, this was just another day in the life of a transgender man. To another person, it could have been a catastrophic and devastating blow to the self esteem. It has not been mentioned since by any of us verbally, but by the smile Kai gave Ren, I know that it was not for waste. It made his day, easily. I'm sad to report that Kai goes home on Sunday for a ridiculous and wasteful trip south with his appauling mother and transphobic older sister. But hopefully this has been a good visit for him, as we've done all we can (financially as well) to make this a good visit. We went to the theater (much to Ben's delight, as he finally got to see his idol on the big screen; Deadpool), we went out to dinners on a few occasions, and played endless hours of minecraft. Not to mention the hours that Kai clocked in by spending online on IMVU, despite the slight drop in internet speeds due to such. We've all done our bests to ignore the irritating internet speeds so that he could talk to his friends, since he wont be able to for a few months by the end of this week. I'm not sure if Justin is going with us to bring Kai back, as he hates Ren's mother with a passion so hot that he refuses all holidays with the family. Ren went to Christmas to their house by himself this past year, as Justin was refusing tooth and nail. I would too, if not for the uncontrollable circumstances of sharing a body. She boils my blood like no other woman I know, but I see no sense in dragging on the inevitable with her when I'm more concerned for Kai's safety. She's nothing to me but a roadblock, and every roadblock can be removed, one way...or another. However, it's closing soon to an hour past midnight, and I've been instructed not to stay up late as we have an appointment with the neighbor early tomorrow morning to help clean her house before lunch. I cannot refuse, as the poor woman is suffering enough as it is in a war with her pompous and pathetic waste of oxygen, her ex-husband. That little man is less my height and twice less my dignity. He's so self richious, I want nothing more than to perhaps run him over with a train. And maybe even in a loop to ensure he wont be bothering her again. He'll not stop until she's homeless, I swear, the disgusting cockroach. There's a special place in the depths for people like him, and he'll get his by the Punisher of the Tormentor soon enough. I only wish I could be there to see it. I'll have my own slice at the hellfire one day, I'm sure. But all I can do is pray it wont be today, and take all due punishments with my dignity intact. For now, I'll have to say goodnight and good day. As always, Your devoted Ghost, Alexandru
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TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm mention, Self harm recovery Good Evening again, ladies, gentlemen and mythical beasts. Today has been fairly productive (this week actually) and I finally am able to sit down and do a bit of blogging. Thankfully I am able to report that the reason for my ability to blog right now is due to the wonderful new arrival of new keyboard keys on the laptop. The old one made typing extremely frustrating due to several keys not working, but Ren ordered a new one and his sister-in-law installed it. It's so wonderful to be able to type and type away without any problems with missing letters! Which is one good thing to report this week at least. A well-working keyboard makes every writer a happy writer. On another note, we went to see our doctor this week. Originally it were to ask for the paperwork to be sent to our surgeon to send to the insurance, in hopes of having our surgery approved. Much to our embarrassment and annoyance, she explained that all we had to do in the first place was call the Surgeon and ask them to send it, since they should still have all the necessary papers. Foolish us! Otherwise, we'd planned to come clean to our doctor about the MPD condition (since it were a therapist who has talked about it to begin with, insisting we find another therapist when we left but we never did). It was sort of a swift, avoided, drive-by mention; to be honest. Ren were talking about different things we were told to look into by our old therapist, mentioning that we were told to find a new therapist "Considering the bipolar stuff, the MPD, and the -----" So it was a very brief "oh by the way" sort of thing. The doctor caught it, however, but thankfully didnt make a whole parade out of it. She simply said that if we were comfortable with it, and we werent having any problems or issues and still are able to function properly in day-to-day tasks; she saw no reason why we should seek out therapy or medications. Which was a relief, to be honest. We were really afraid that she would ask us to seek medical attention for it. But I do, however, wish to state my pride in Ren. He has been cut-free for several months since getting his tattoo, and I am very proud of him for this. As his final "I'm done" task, he took his small match container full of razor blades and exacto-knife blades to the doctors office with him. He handed them to the doctor without being prompted, explained that he didnt need them anymore, and allowed her to put the container in the medical sharps box. I'm very proud of him, as this was a huge step for him and he took it without being prompted or asked to do so. Congratulations Warren! Also, with his permission, I've taken screenshots of a post he made earlier today and I'd like to share it with you all. There is more to blog about, but I'd like to leave this one on those notes. Very proud of you Warren! -Alexandru
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As I had promised, here are all the mandalas so far. Those who have colored them are written on each page. -Alexandru
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Wazzzzzzzzup!? I know, I know, it's been forever. I've been super busy here lately and havent gotten a ton of down time to do a blog post, I'm really sorry! Plus my darned computer keyboard is dying so typing for a long while gets very frustrating since about 5 keys dont work unless I beat the crap out of them lol Not too much to update on really. I'm boring like that I've bitten the bullet and decided to finally go see a Chiropractor again and see if they could help out on my back pain. I've seen one before and it didnt help much so I'll admit, I was very very hesitant. Especially since the first appointment costs me a pretty penny of 85$. Plus I dont like people touching me..... Anyway, my boyfriend recommended me to a guy he went to see by the name of Dr.Bezon. I was really hesitant but went anyway, and when we went through the medical papers and whatnot I DID explain to him that although the paper legally says male, I'm biologically female so I do deal with feminine problems such as lower back pain in menstration, heavy chest from breasts and etc. He understood and didnt question any of it but wrote it down in my file for later reference. I've noticed that instead of using pronouns, he tends to just use the name. For instance, instead of saying "He/she has an appointment" he just uses "Warren has an appointment." Which is kind of nice really. Especially if you're not sure on the person's pronouns! So I went and I'll admit, my first appointment was rather painful and sore and I was not completely bought yet. I was impressed that he did call and check up on me after my first appointment to make sure that I was doing alright, which he apparently does to all his new patients. Very thoughtful! I've gone back a few times since that first appointment and I've noticed that the more I've been going, the less pain I'm in. It's so nice! I went in today after my 11hr shift (85% if it being seated in a vehicle) with severe pain between my shoulders. This is a common area for my pain and its usually between 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I was extremely sore and hurting and slouching when I went in and he took his time to work out whatever I had going on back here. He was soooo fantastic. Normally its just some popping of my spine and neck and I'm right as rain, but today he actually did something that felt SOOOOOOOOO amazing. It hurt for a moment but he squeezed at my shoulders individually, pulling and pushing on them to "take the weight off your clavical and try and pull your collarbone away from your rotator cuff a little". I've cracked my collar bone in the past so it wouldnt surprise me at all if it's pushed against a few things in there. But he stretched out my shoulders and omg.....it felt SO good! I lost feeling in my hands momentarily and he explained that it was because he was cutting off bloodflow momentarily so he could pull the muscles back into their original places or something like that. It felt so great....The cracking between my shoulders when I breathe has lessened a bit which is nice, and my nightly headaches have decreased drastically! I was having headaches every single night for weeks, now it's once in a while when I havent had any caffine yet. Apparently the muscle I had tension in thats on the right side of my neck (from looking left all the time while driving on patrol) was putting tension around my scalp and causing the headaches and some of my shoulder pain. Also (several years ago, when I was 8 years old) I was rock climbing and fell 15 feet when I grabbed a snake instead of a rock. He thinks that the fall and the way I landed reversed part of my spinal curve which would cause a lot of my back pain. He's working on reversing that which isnt easy considering all the years and years that it's been messed up. But I'm very confident that he is being a massive help! I'll continue to go as often as I can, especially since my insurance covers it 100% which is EPIC!! On another note, I reapply for my surgery this week. I was supposed to apply tomorrow (wednesday) but I realized that the appointment for my lab work (TSH test for my thyroid. Very routine.) was too close to my actual doctors appointment and it wouldnt give it enough time to process before seeing my doctor; so we moved it to testing tomorrow, appointment on Thursday. Which works for me, really lol So there's that, and hopefully (please please please PLEASE......) I'll get a quick (and good!!!) response on my surgery. Also, for the FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRR, I voted today lol NH primaries were today and I decided it was time to contribute. I'm really really REALLY hoping the person I voted for will reach the white house....All the other candidates spell really bad bad vibes for the Transgender community.... Anyway, not much else going on. I have become rather good friends with all my alts now. To my knowledge, there are 6 of us. (One popped up randomly recently but I kind of like him lol he's funny He's like a caffine-filled chipmunk with ADHD lol) Milo (sliding scale age, but normally around 8 years), Mathias (age 16), Abriella (age 23), Alexandru (age 23) and Benji (age 18). It's so SOOOO weird to refer to myself as they/them/we sometimes. I'm still getting used to the idea of having Multiple Personalities but at times...I'm thankful for it. It makes me more open minded and I'll be honest, its nice to sometimes not have to deal with work and just tune everything out and 'sleep' while Alex takes over....Call me lazy but it's kind of nice. Anyway, that's enough out of the insane nut in the peanut gallery. Tootles! -Ren P.S. A HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!, to Emma for her amazing gift towards my surgery. It was a huge spirit lifter and made me feel insanely good You're amazing! Unfortunatly Gofundme made me withdraw the funds from the account due to inactivity or something. But I'm going to get an unopenable money bank to put in my room and the whole check is going in it to keep saving up! I sadly had to spend a lot of my home-earned funds for bills school vacation really cut back on my hours for a long month so I lost a lot of hours and $ on my paycheck, so I had to use some of my earned funds on rent and registering my vehicle (ITS INSANE HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THAT!!!). All in due time I'd love to send out thank-you cards to everyone who has contributed to my surgery funds so please (if you're okay with it!) let me know your addresses? It's the least I can do!!! (If you're not comfy with it, that's totally cool too, just know how much I greatly appreciate you!!) <3 Updated pic Seriously loving my tattoo and rare manliness....
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I wanted to just vent a bit tonight if you do not mind. But I do want to add a "Trigger Warning" to those of you who are reading this. I will be adding these to my blog posts now, whenever I feel they are necessary. PLEASE do not hesitate to ask me to add them to posts that you feel need them. I know how important they are. TRIGGER WARNING: OCD, MPD, DID, Anxiety, Depression and Mental Illness Mental Illnesses.....So drastically misunderstood by so many that it baffles your very soul to see others laugh in the face of other peoples' suffering. To watch in full willingness to the pain and frustration of someone close to you, and either do nothing to help or do the exact opposite, unknowingly endangering that person's wellbeing or state of mind. I see it every day, to be rather honest with you. It saddens me greatly. Not only because it is being done to others that I care about, or even strangers that I do not fully know, but also because I too suffer from both the ignorance of others and Mental Illness. By now the fact of my Multiple Personality Disorder are rather clear. It is the reasons behind most of my blog posts. But other illnesses also play an important role in my daily life, along with the daily life of my 'siblings' or 'headmates'. My host and dear brother holds record, so it seems, for to most 'labels' that I can even imagine. Including but not limited to OCD, MPD (obviously), social anxiety, emotional anxiety, depression, claustrophobia, Bipolar disorder, and more. I myself can only self diagnose considering my situation, being that some doctors may not even see me as a factual person but rather an imaginary manifestation of the mind. From what I have found of myself and what I have researched (I assure you, I am not a WebMD sort of man.) I can say with honest conviction that I do suffer from OCD, light situational Depression, Claustrophobia and perhaps anxiety. I say perhaps because it may just be situation demanding. Situation being high mentally tasking situations such as large crowds, lots of talking--things that would prompt a large sensory overload. Again, this is only self diagnosis. But the sheer ignorance that people show who are not afflicted by such disorder is beyond....upsetting to say the least. The other day while I were on duty at work, I stopped the vehicle and saw two young girls mocking and laughing at a young man who was busy fixing his shirt. Apparently he had somehow missed a button on his shirt and the whole thing were crooked. Some people would just chuckle and correct it with a shrug of their shoulders, being no more daunting a task that retying your shoe. But to him, this was a drastic catastrophe that needed correcting immediately. The fact that his shirt were uneven and incorrect drove him to such a measure that he whipped off his shirt right there in the 23F winter weather, shivering and embarrassed, fixing his buttons as if it would save his very life. And they laughed.....They giggled and patted his shoulder and told him he was silly. He was obsessed. That he needed to "chill out" that it was "just a shirt". You see these types of situations everywhere. Not too long ago, during the summer shift changes, Ren were working at the bar instead of on patrol. He rather enjoys this switch, as the constant interaction of people helps him to overcome his social anxiety--but with the very important detail of having a very wide counter-top between him and the customers. This very important but seemingly silly detail makes the whole situation tolerable for him. Something about having that mandatory, unavoidable space between him and another person is the only reason that he can stand it at all. His coworkers chuckled and said he would be fine without the counter, not really fully understanding the need for such things. Of course, you cannot blame them or be angry either. Those who do not experience war, cannot understand the terror of a gunshot. As another example, you have the situation of repeated notions. Tourettes Syndrome. People usually associate the condition of Tourettes with swearing uncontrollably, but do not realize that these 'ticks' can be a very vast variety of symptoms. It may be constant sneezing, twitches, blinking constantly, lip biting, giggling at bad times---all these things can be symptoms of Tourettes. Ren also suffers from Tourettes Syndrome through the tick of 'cheek chewing'. He continuously chews on the insides of his cheeks, creating what can only be described as 'reversed Joker Scars'. It is subconscious and, at most times, unavoidable. The best solution we've been given thus far is 'chewing gum' to chew on instead of the cheeks. Of course, it comes with the downside of damage to your teeth and developing cavities. But with the alternative to possible mouth cancer from the damages to your cheeks---I suppose that is the best choice. But it amazes me how many people have told him "just stop doing it". Ha! If only it were that simple. "Just stop doing it" Its a phrase that people like us hear often. "People have it so much more worse than you do. Just cheer up". That is as effective as cutting off your pinkie and saying "Other people have done something worse. Just stop hurting already." Society has planted this idea in our minds that others have it so much worse, so much more drastic and emergent that we are forced to assume that it's really not that bad. That the person who is 'complaining' about their situation can simply 'suck it up' and move on. You do not realize how much courage it took for them to admit their pain, only to be told that their agony is invalid and unworthy of mentioning or sympathy. Perhaps they dont even want your sympathy but rather your understanding and perhaps some encouragement to endure and prosper. So many many times I have heard "so much more worse than". When Ren admitted to someone that he was struggling with cutting himself and that although the wounds were not deep, it hurt and it was addictive. The response he received? "I know someone who did it a lot worse than you. They needed stitches." Oh, I apologize...I did not realize that pain and suffering were also a competition. Pardon me while I try to outdo the damage done.... I'm not sure exactly where I am going with this blog aside from just a bit of venting. To get these thoughts off my chest and onto the screen. Perhaps to share my insight on how I feel about these situations and..perhaps even put the thoughts that others are having as well. Afterall, it can be very relieving and gratifying to know that your thoughts are also the thoughts of others. In my own situation --that actually prompted this blog---is my OCD. This is a post that I wrote upon my facebook wall. "Over Compulsive Disorder. OCD can be very difficult to live with at times. Yes, I will organize the simplest of things. No, you will not find a mixmatched storage chest in my Minecraft game. Yes, I count every single block of that house I built to ensure it is all even. No, you will not find a window that does not match the opposing wall. Or a door that is not centered. And yes, I will destroy the entire set if it is uneven. No, it is not funny. We cannot help these things....But sometimes it takes just a push from others to make it much worse. You may reorganize my things just for the fun of it, and I may smile and laugh when you shake your head at my desperation to rearrange them. You may think me crazy because I NEED things just so, or that I'm just obsessed with keeping things in a pattern. You may shrug and see it as no big deal if I realize that the pattern of the design in which I am coloring is not even, but it drives me mad. I can spend hours working on a mandala, setting the colors just so---and realize that though I've been doing one color every other flower and realize...there arent enough and I lost count--I would rather tear that paper and start anew than shrug it off. I cannot look at it. I cannot 'ignore' it. This is what OCD is. It is not funny. It is not something to giggle at. It may be funny to watch me scurry about and rearrange my things the way I need them to be, but to me, it is agonizing. My brain CAN NOT settle or relax until it is fixed. It will pester my mind all day, whisking away any sense of focus or settlement until I know that it has been corrected. It baffles me how amusing OCD is to people who do not suffer from it.Please, if you know someone suffering from OCD--even if you dont understand it---do not torment them. Do not move their things. Do not rearrange their items because it is amusing to YOU to watch them fix it. They may laugh, they may smile and giggle at how foolish they look---but it is only because they are embarassed. We know it is not normal. Thank you for reminding us of how weird we look or act. Certainly that will correct everything, yes?Please, be considerate.Just because OCD is an invisable disease...it does not mean we do not suffer." I suppose I will end here, now that I have vented a bit. I seem to have gotten all, or most, of my thoughts down thus far. I suppose the moral of this post is.....be kind. You may not see what they are suffering from, and you may not understand why or how they feel the way they do. But that does not give you a right to judge them by their faults. Help if you can. Be sympathetic or sensative to their situations, not amused or disgusted.Believe me, if they could help it...the situation wouldnt even arise. -Alexandru Sidenote: I have finished more mandalas and I will post them in an upcoming blog post. (Along with the colorings of the others)
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Morning everyone! A very brief and quick update (Please excuse me of Ds are missing. The key seems to be dying!). Not too much to report, aside from more mandalas have been done by both myself an Milo. He insisted! Apparently the others have been observing my own Mandala coloring an have gotten rather jealous of such fun, haha! So Ren an I decided to allow each of them to take a pick of a few of the pages. Abby, Mathias and Milo all chose a few pages as their own an marked them so that none other would color them first. It was interesting to pause, switch, let them place a signing, and switch once more. I do believe that it has drained me of all available energy, despite the fact that we have been awake all night since getting off work rather early (Shift changes to help a coworker with training off campus). Photos are as followed: Cover page: On another note, during a rather unforgiving storm yestereve, the roads we drove on throughout working our shift was plagued with such a horrid layer of black ice. It was everywhere! Hardly avoidable. We somehow managed to survive the night with only a few minor fishtailing of the vehicle, and I credit it greatly to Ren's experience with winter driving. With about twenty minutes left to our shift, on our way back to campus from checking an off-campus dorm; we came up to a stopsign through a veil of snow and barely glimpsed ahead to see brake lights where we knew there was no road. Immediatly putting on our caution lights, we parked next to the stop sign to warn others of the thick black ice there at four in the morning, an got out of the vehicle. The man was pacing his vehicle, a small Dodge Neon, surged up over the top of an icy snowback opposite of the stop sign. We promptly asked if he were alright, and he was, but he was stuck so drastically that his rear passenger tire did not even touch the ground. Luckily a lady in a small voltswagon also stopped when she saw what we were walking for, and we assessed the situation. The man said he could not call police or a tow due to no insurance, and we understood immediatly. They asked if we could use the suburban (work vehicle) to pull him out but declined, sure to not have a very happy boss if we did that and broke something! The lady who stopped to help was very well prepared though! She promptly took out a bucket of sand, bag of kitty litter, two shovels; a tow cable and a pair of mittens for the gentleman; and we got to work. I were on the clock anyway with nothing left to do, might as well lend a hand! With passing cars warned by my caution lights ahead of our activities, we were easily avoided as we worked. The lady hitched his car to her own an while she pulled with the power of her Voltswagon, I opted to using good old elbow grease at the front. It took several tries and a lot of tire squeeling (and my prosuation to a Town Crew that we did NOT need a wrecker, not revealing that the car was uninsured) the car crunched up over the snowbank and back onto the roadway. Light cracked damage to the front bumper and what looked like a plastic shield off the bottom came loose, but otherwise the car was in very good condition. The three of us shook hands and were quickly on our way, the gentleman and lady off to work and me to clock out. I had presently been in a bitter mood throughout the night for a rather complicated reason of grief, but the three of us strangers rolling up our sleeves to help eachother out really touched me. It made me smile knowing that humanity might, afterall, not be hopeless. He never asked for our help, and we did not feel inclined to ask. Human nature to help the pack took over and we did what needed to be done to help one another, without expectation or request of reward. The only sad part was that the lady voiced her hopes of a "Big, strong guy to stop with a plow truck and give us a hand!" to which Ren laughed, mentioning a comment of "Yeah, that'd be nice. I'm just a little guy!" and the woman immediatly stared at him as if to say "Dont you mean girl?". That was rather saddening, but I encouraged him to not overthink it and to just get back to pushing because my toes were cold! Regardless, it was not a bad experience. And I mentioned it to our boss and she agreed. Had we used the truck like he'd asked, we probably would have lost our jobs. Yikes! Anyhow, I am far overdue for some sleep. I had planned to go to sleep at a ripe time of 5;30am or perhaps 6:00am at the latest. Presently...it is 8:35am. Far overdue! Perhaps we'll save the bank and postal visits for tomorrow... Have a warm and comfortable Eve, Xan
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Good afternoon/Morning/Evening everyone. It's been a long while since my last blog entry but I didnt have much of anything I felt that needed to be said at the time. But I did actually promise to share the colorings I'd been doing of Mandalas. So first off, as promised, here are the photo. This one was done 90% by Ren. This one by myself. This one by Ren himself. And this one we did together. Otherwise, there has not been very much worth reporting on. Aside from getting to know my alt-companions. There seems to be five of us in total. Myself and Ren to start with, since I am the "shepard alt" and he is the host. One girl, Abby or Abriella. She is very rough around the edges, foul mouthed and stubborn as any. But I have no worries of her causing us, the body, or others any distress. She's just.....mouthy. Apparently, being the same age as Ren and I. Then there is the silent one, Mathias. Perhaps about eighteen years old, it seems. His english seems to lack and I'm not sure why that is, being that he should be an alternate personality of Ren. But he tends to be aggressive and demanding. But 80% of the time, he is unheard and unseen. He likes to remain in shadow it seems. Then there is, my personal favorite companion (he visits my headspace often if I allow it), Milo. He was first convinced to have the name Ren or Renny, and did not understand fully the situation until I explained in detail. Milo chose his name himself, taken from his favorite Disney Film, Atlantis, after Milo Thatch. He wishes to be called Milo Dean Thatch, in turn. Milo is particularly special to me, not only for his unique way of actions but because he is also much younger than the rest of us. I do see him as the child side of Ren. Very open minded, energetic and talkative. He's still struggling to understand what it means to be an alt, but he has come along nicely. I know this must all seem very strange to some of you readers, if anyone reads this at all to be certain. But my little mental family is rather nice now that I'm not alone. I do not think I was always alone in here, I think that we (Ren and myself) simply were not in a position yet where we could hear them. We weren't ready, it seems. Hopefully this 'system' does not get any larger, as the noise has become unbarable at times. So loud and clattered together like an orchestra on it's lunch break. But I will make due. Milo calls us the "Systematics Family". Oddly, we all have differing last names. Abriella Marilyn Dahlia. Alexandru Dorian Vlk. Warren Renexius Ornan G____. Milo Dean Thatch. Mathias...well, Mathias has no middle or last name. He simply calls himself Mathias. Strange fellow....Has a sort of Persian feel which is odd to me since Warren is in no way of Persian decent. He at least has Romanian blood in him, which would account for my own self if you do not see reincarnation as a fit description. Hmm...something to think on. Well! I suppose this is where I leave you. I'm off to go and find something entertaining to do in Sims 4, perhaps do some more mandalas later before sleeping for work. I hope that you all are very well! Tired but strangely very awake, Xan Side note: I finally got my hands on a piece of Baklava! Oh happy me! I was giddy the whole way home until I could have some. Ren teased me with it for hours so he could eat his calzone first, making me wait impatiently for my first bite in---oh Goddess knows how long! It's much sweeter than I remember, but oh does it bring back memories....I'll be snacking on it now and again for a good part of today and tomorrow, too sweet to eat all at once! Added Side note: Finally remembered what else I was going to note. Mood swings!! Oh I cannot even begin to discover what the cause could be. At the most random times with no warning and no foreseeable cause, I get so agitated and aggrivated at the silliest things! My sweater is too tight, the car is too hot, little noises are being bothersome, the internet not working--it could be anything! Ive found myself seconds from snapping Ren's ipod in half just out of pure irritation from wifi signals not coming through. I'm not sure what's come over me! Then after a brisk walk in the fresh air or something to take my mind off it---I'm right as rain. So odd!
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Sometimes I cannot help but wonder what I am doing here. Not 'here' specifically, but 'here' ultimately. I understand my role within this lifetime, no matter how much I choose to object or disagree with it. In a way, I am here to protect my brother and to try again at something I failed at the first time. I had been so focused on the fact that I clearly am not from this generation and that this is not my life--that I completely overlooked the reasons as to why. Why I am here, why I am functioning, and why I remember things that clearly I should not. Only recently have I realized the reasons. Or, at least, my suspected reasons. I need to start over. I need to learn from my flashbacks. Learn from my past, and learn from the mistakes that were made. But not dwell on them. Yes, remember the things that I've been grated the ability to remember, and dont let those things fade from my understanding. But not to become stuck upon them and forget that I'm in the now and not the then. I remember my two intimate companions' names and this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing to put a name to their faces and to be able to say 'yes, he/she was called ____, but I called them ____'. But a curse because now I know who I am grieving for. Arlena was the first. She had long flaming red hair, green eyes like fresh spring grass, fair skin and the softest hands you'd ever held. She had a gentle firmness about her, as if she could be caught snuggling the bunny that would later become her dinner. I fell instantly for her sense of confidence in everything she did. I knew that yes, as a damsel of those times, they were often weak willed and depended on men. And please do not see me as sexist for I am greatly the opposite, but those were the times. She seemed a polar opposite, very much independent and demanding in all her ways. She knew what she wanted and she would take it without the need to ask permission. I loved that fire about her. We were together for a while before she introduced me to Nicolai. She knew that I admired both the sexes and, at the time, had no problem with sharing so long as it were an equal affection. When she said equal, she meant more for her and less for Nicolai. At first I agreed, getting to know him while still bowing to her wills. How could I deny her everything and anything she desired? He was younger than myself. Thinner and more frail, it seemed. He had dusty black hair that desperatly needed to be cut, but in a way--the shagginess of his unkept hair suited him. He had humble brown eyes and an adorable indentation in his cheeks when he grinned. But Nicolai were slightly different from men his age, which probably was no more than twenty. He were an adult in many, many ways. But he adored being treated like he were still a child. Being coddled or given a firm affection, told to do things rather than by request. I didnt mind it, really. I think in several ways, I actually preferred it. I suppose now the term for such a life is considered 'Dad Doms'. I've yet to understand it, but after talking to another who is in such a relationship and described how my own was with Nic, they said it's rather the same concept. I simply preferred to be called compassionate. But where I failed in that life were that I often forgot the tasks at hand. The dangers in front of my own two eyes. Arlena was jealous, naturally, that I was soon giving more attention to Nicolai than herself. I felt, in part, that he needed it more than she did. She were so independant and self giving whilest he was the exact opposite, I felt he needed more guidance and affection than she did. But there is a fine line between needs and cravings. I didnt see it at the time. Not until everything spiralled and one thing led to another and..well, here I am. That's the point though, isnt it? To know where you went wrong and to make a better choice? I want that for Ren. I want him to be happy and to not find his own demise with regret, wondering if he'd do it again if given the option. In our first years together, though I hadnt noticed it, I were already protecting him. When he'd get in a fight that he knew he couldnt win, I would take the lead and show him how. When he were in situations that he werent fully comfortable, I would guide him into the winning approach. Brothers, it seems. Either he is a new version of myself or perhaps even a newer Nicolai, I'll never know. They're so simular at times. But I've come to realize that spending all my time on figuring out my past and why I am in the present was wasteful and I were repeating my same mistakes. I werent paying attention. With certain events coming to light and my brother falling back into darkness over and over again, I had become so consumed with my own quest that I'd forgotten my original quest. Protect my Brother. The bruises on his ribs persist him. Persist me. My own ribs ache dreadfully from a binder that no longer fits, our chest increasing in size and causing not only physical pain but great emotional and mental strain. I believe that our continued growth is something more medical, and should be looked into. People of our age do not normally continue to grow in the chest unless there is something hormonally unbalanced. Perhaps our problems with our thyroid is causing the hormonal imbalance to spiral? I'll need to make an appointment but first, to get us back on track with taking our proper thyroid medications ON TIME. We've done well with it for the past week or so, but I want to ensure at least another week of it before having our levels tested. Yes, top surgery is certainly becoming a priority in our future endeavors. But I need to also make an agreement of some sort with the insurance company to have it done. But I've seriously considered taking a time to see a Chiropractor as well for our back pain. Perhaps having a note from a chiropractor, agreeing with our notion that surgery would help our back pain, would aid in our case with the insurance company. Steps need to be taken, and one of us needs to actually get up and do them. But it is often so hard to find that courage. To find that ambition when all other attempts have been thrown aside or failed in such a manner as to cause great distress and depression. What else is there to do but keep trying? Failure is not an option when you are in a daily struggle with yourself. I am only happy that he has found comfort in his facial features and can, with confidence, take a photo of himself and not dislike how he sees himself. So long as the photos are above chest level. I want to change this for him. For us both. Maybe then I'd have done something right. Ah, here you are again Madam Five AM. My mistress of exhaustion has come to drag me back to her domain, haha. With Care and Appreciation, Alexandru Attached Thought: I have been doing more Mandala colorings. Perhaps with my next post, and perhaps some guidance on how, I will attach photos.
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Good Evening everyone. I hope you're all doing well today or tonight, whichever the case may be. I were originally going to simply write in my journal tonight but my wrist seems a bit sore from the weather. Ren calls it Barametric Pressure? Either way, I am a bit sore in my wrists and knees. We had a slight development recently and learned a very valuable lesson. If you are unable to sleep and for some reason cannot think straight because of a seemingly dozen voices shouting in your head--taking double muscle relaxants to try and help is not always the best remedy. He thought it would help but usually only takes one, not two. And normally we'd have something in our stomachs before doing so. But alas, that was not the case, and our attempt at showering to calm the nerves nearly resulted in a collapse. Thankfully, we managed to get back to bed without any incident. But the fact that I couldnt hear him, nor him I, through a baracade of voices is rather concerning. Be them imagination from stress or alts we're not aware of, either way it was unpleasant to be sure. As a side subject, I'm rather pleased to know that our normal work schedule shall return this week. It'll be nice to get out more often and not have to sit around the house in idle procrastination. Though Ren not fronting very often sometimes worries me, I dont mind being out as often as I have been. It's just slightly saddening that he would rather sleep all day than take control. I'm becoming more and more aware of what it's like to live life as a Transgender person. I'll admit, I have much more sympathy for ciswomen with their 'monthly' issues and dont fully understand why Transwomen would want to deal with it, but I understand the need to feel whole--including the good and the bad. I do not feel all myself with the body we're in. Sleeping is astonishingly annoying with our chest being as it is. Though Ren does not feel any annoyance with his lower half, I do rather often. More of, I miss certain things that we lack. I would greatly love to start Hormone treatment though I know it is a subject me and my brother differ on. He does not want to, but I do. Oh how complicated the world must be...I try not to argue with him about it, but my baby face features are often annoying and demeaning. I dont like having the appearance of a child, nor do I like having the hips of a woman or petite hands. The lack of muscle in my arms is astonishingly humiliating, though I agree with him on the fact that exercise simply hurts. My back is far too sore in far too many places for me to exercise properly. Simply breathing deeply results in a devastating pop between my shoulders, seemingly from my spine, which can sometimes nearly drop me to my knee in shock and pain. I do not understand how the state can easily dismiss the pain of an individual simply because of a differing opinion on what gender they are. What resides in my jeans is no different from anyone else. If I feel that I am a man, that is at my own discretion and choice. If I must prove that I am a man based off what is down my pants, then I therefore demand that every businessman or woman who disagrees with my Masculine gender should do the same and show me proof of their own genders. It's simply ridiculous to deny a PERSON in PAIN the satisfaction of living life with happiness simply because you do not agree with them. The narrow mindedness of people I see on a daily basis is sickening. I met a woman once who was polite and thoughtful of those around her. I saw a cheerful woman who worked hard and took care of her friends well, and never judged those around her based on anything aside from how they treated eachother. That is what I saw. What others saw was a transgender person who possibly did not seem to pass very well. And that seems to be all that they cared about. Not about the person, but about her disposition. Believe me when I say that in my own days with my own society, they were not very forgiving either. Pagans were easily dismissed as devil worshiping demons, and anyone like myself who preferred both men and women as bed company could be murdered without a second thought. Though even today, this could easily be the case. But I fear that if that bastard Trump is elected, it'll fall into far worse situations. I pray that this country and this generation puts down their devices and lifts their eyes to see the world as it is crumbling and actually do something to help it, instead of pointing fingers and blaming names. It is so frustrating to see younger people in this world simply take and take and take without any recognition to those that they are taking from. To expect and demand and say that certain things are their right, when generations before never would have even been given the offer of such things. The freedom to speak is theirs, yes. But it does not mean to speak cruelty and for it to be alright. It means to be able to say that something is wrong without backlash from the victimizers. It means to stand up and defend someone being harmed without being, in turned, called the assailant. It means to acknowledge verbally that something simply is not right, draw attention to it, and correct the situation. Not to spit your false accusations and slay self confidence with your tongues of horrid judgement! This freedom did not always exist either. Previous generations had to FIGHT for that right! Not sit by and cry oppression and demand that someone pick them up and nurse them like children. If you want to be treated as an adult, then stand up on your own two feet and work for it. For instance, Kings of Old would sometimes offer assistance to the poor and deprived in exchange for loyalty and security. That in the event of the King being in peril, they were expected to do what they could to ensure his safety in exchange for rare foods, celebrations, newer homes and other various items. Now, people get assistance from their President but then riot and destroy and point fingers to their 'King' and blame him for their poor situations! Personally if you're to turn your back on those who are feeding you with benefits or 'food stamps' and other various, you should no longer receive them! This generation frankly frightens me. Not a fear that they will harm me, or a fear that they will fade into their own deprived state of mind. But a fear of taking this age of technology and advance and making a Uturn back into the stone age with their own foolish pride. And now I feel I've ranted far too much already...I only hope that one day they'll see their own errors and fix their own pathways before demanding new roads. You cant get to the highway unless you pave your own driveway.--A
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Good Evening everyone. I hope you're all doing well today or tonight, whichever the case may be. I were originally going to simply write in my journal tonight but my wrist seems a bit sore from the weather. Ren calls it Barametric Pressure? Either way, I am a bit sore in my wrists and knees. We had a slight development recently and learned a very valuable lesson. If you are unable to sleep and for some reason cannot think straight because of a seemingly dozen voices shouting in your head--taking double muscle relaxants to try and help is not always the best remedy. He thought it would help but usually only takes one, not two. And normally we'd have something in our stomachs before doing so. But alas, that was not the case, and our attempt at showering to calm the nerves nearly resulted in a collapse. Thankfully, we managed to get back to bed without any incident. But the fact that I couldnt hear him, nor him I, through a baracade of voices is rather concerning. Be them imagination from stress or alts we're not aware of, either way it was unpleasant to be sure. As a side subject, I'm rather pleased to know that our normal work schedule shall return this week. It'll be nice to get out more often and not have to sit around the house in idle procrastination. Though Ren not fronting very often sometimes worries me, I dont mind being out as often as I have been. It's just slightly saddening that he would rather sleep all day than take control. I'm becoming more and more aware of what it's like to live life as a Transgender person. I'll admit, I have much more sympathy for ciswomen with their 'monthly' issues and dont fully understand why Transwomen would want to deal with it, but I understand the need to feel whole--including the good and the bad. I do not feel all myself with the body we're in. Sleeping is astonishingly annoying with our chest being as it is. Though Ren does not feel any annoyance with his lower half, I do rather often. More of, I miss certain things that we lack. I would greatly love to start Hormone treatment though I know it is a subject me and my brother differ on. He does not want to, but I do. Oh how complicated the world must be...I try not to argue with him about it, but my baby face features are often annoying and demeaning. I dont like having the appearance of a child, nor do I like having the hips of a woman or petite hands. The lack of muscle in my arms is astonishingly humiliating, though I agree with him on the fact that exercise simply hurts. My back is far too sore in far too many places for me to exercise properly. Simply breathing deeply results in a devastating pop between my shoulders, seemingly from my spine, which can sometimes nearly drop me to my knee in shock and pain. I do not understand how the state can easily dismiss the pain of an individual simply because of a differing opinion on what gender they are. What resides in my jeans is no different from anyone else. If I feel that I am a man, that is at my own discretion and choice. If I must prove that I am a man based off what is down my pants, then I therefore demand that every businessman or woman who disagrees with my Masculine gender should do the same and show me proof of their own genders. It's simply ridiculous to deny a PERSON in PAIN the satisfaction of living life with happiness simply because you do not agree with them. The narrow mindedness of people I see on a daily basis is sickening. I met a woman once who was polite and thoughtful of those around her. I saw a cheerful woman who worked hard and took care of her friends well, and never judged those around her based on anything aside from how they treated eachother. That is what I saw. What others saw was a transgender person who possibly did not seem to pass very well. And that seems to be all that they cared about. Not about the person, but about her disposition. Believe me when I say that in my own days with my own society, they were not very forgiving either. Pagans were easily dismissed as devil worshiping demons, and anyone like myself who preferred both men and women as bed company could be murdered without a second thought. Though even today, this could easily be the case. But I fear that if that bastard Trump is elected, it'll fall into far worse situations. I pray that this country and this generation puts down their devices and lifts their eyes to see the world as it is crumbling and actually do something to help it, instead of pointing fingers and blaming names. It is so frustrating to see younger people in this world simply take and take and take without any recognition to those that they are taking from. To expect and demand and say that certain things are their right, when generations before never would have even been given the offer of such things. The freedom to speak is theirs, yes. But it does not mean to speak cruelty and for it to be alright. It means to be able to say that something is wrong without backlash from the victimizers. It means to stand up and defend someone being harmed without being, in turned, called the assailant. It means to acknowledge verbally that something simply is not right, draw attention to it, and correct the situation. Not to spit your false accusations and slay self confidence with your tongues of horrid judgement! This freedom did not always exist either. Previous generations had to FIGHT for that right! Not sit by and cry oppression and demand that someone pick them up and nurse them like children. If you want to be treated as an adult, then stand up on your own two feet and work for it. For instance, Kings of Old would sometimes offer assistance to the poor and deprived in exchange for loyalty and security. That in the event of the King being in peril, they were expected to do what they could to ensure his safety in exchange for rare foods, celebrations, newer homes and other various items. Now, people get assistance from their President but then riot and destroy and point fingers to their 'King' and blame him for their poor situations! Personally if you're to turn your back on those who are feeding you with benefits or 'food stamps' and other various, you should no longer receive them! This generation frankly frightens me. Not a fear that they will harm me, or a fear that they will fade into their own deprived state of mind. But a fear of taking this age of technology and advance and making a Uturn back into the stone age with their own foolish pride. And now I feel I've ranted far too much already...I only hope that one day they'll see their own errors and fix their own pathways before demanding new roads. You cant get to the highway unless you pave your own driveway.--A
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Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Firstly I would like to confess to my hesitation in posting a blog yestermorn, as I still were not certain as to the reactions I would receive as to the information I were providing. I will admit though that now I am less weary of doing so, considering all of the positive responses I've received. Today's blog is a bit of a ramble as well, though mostly on the subject of my adjustments. Upon the first blog I ever posted upon this site --Within Ren's account, before I created one of my own.-- I still were deeply rooted within my confinements and not given too much opportunity to 'front' and discover my own self. Often I would sit by and watch Ren carry on through his daily tasks, idly entertaining myself with mental quests or perhaps attempting my mind with poetry, which I have discovered absolutely no skill in my own soul for. I do believe that a rabbit who's already been boiled would have better luck creating poetry than myself, haha! But as time has gone through the hands of the clock, I've realized that more and more I seem to be preferred to be at the front rather than Ren. Perhaps he is fully adjusted to having someone else take the wheel or perhaps he is simply too tired and stressed as of late to do it himself; but either way I dont mind. It does give me much more practice with the outside world. Though I do have to mimic his voice and accent when speaking to others, I have become rather good at doing so without detection of my true self. Meanwhile I can try new things and attempt my hand at certain skills to see what I am and am not good at. One of which is painting. As far as I could remember, I'd always been a skilled artist. I loved to mix the oils and test new shades of colour; but I've realized that these hands are near useless for my style of painting. So instead I've resorted to our markers instead of oil colors and to adult color books than a canvas. It's a bit disappointing, but relaxing nonetheless. Driving, I have found, is certainly something that I enjoy. Though the speed and adrenaline of such makes me relaxed and comfortable, I fear that it also makes Ren a bit uneasy, haha. But I am careful and aware of my surroundings so we do not get into harm's way. Typing, I've found, is also rather enjoyable. Still, practice is needed. Another good antidote would be to blog so here I am! In regards to the forever plagued annoyance of flashbacks and early morning night terrors, they're as persistant as always. I'm sure the subject of reincarnation is probably another topic that could be introduced within the source, but regardless it seems to be altering my ability to get a restful sleep. Though some are not all too horrid to experience, some will also put me into a fit of cold sweats, hallucinations or even physical illness. It's been rather pesky to say the least. A change in diet does not seem to have been of any help. I have researched a bit into the subject and all that I have read or been told is these images or flashbacks usually only occur in younger children and they fade as they grow older. Perhaps they'll shift and die away in time, regardless if I have figured them out yet or not. On yet Another topic, I have discovered two of my greatest weaknesses so far. Chocolate with almonds and mandarin oranges!! Hahaha! The taste of one or the other is so incredibly comforting and enjoyable that I fear I'm to make this shell of ours fatter than a winter sow. But I cannot help it, it is so addictive! Though I suppose the mandarins are much healthier than the chocolate, the problem persists that we are limited on Mandarins and seem to have mountains of chocolate left over from Christmas! Ren is not pleased about his weight gain this season, but I've assured him that once summer hits and we can walk campus at our job again, we will shed it quickly. Especially now that I have gotten him to take his thyroid medication on a fairly regular schedule now. Blasted boy is horrid with taking medications on time, if at all! Kai seems to follow the same pattern for Goddess Sake! It can be very frustrating, haha! The family cat seems to have gotten used to me lately, as I woke up with him on my chest. Normally when Ren is fronting, "Gabriel" is very pleasant and social and loves to cuddle with him. But he seems to know when we switch fronts, and will immediatly get up and completely ignore me. Even other housemates noticed when he would suddenly decide to ignore me or not want to be held, which secrets revealed would tell that it were truly myself and not Ren. But he seems to be getting used to it. At the present time, I'll be working on more Mandala's and attempting to coax the other hidden alts to come forward enough to make themselves known, but it may take a very long while. I have been here since Ren were sixteen so I've been used to this sort of adjustment. The others, possibly only one but also it may be two, dont even seem to be of conscious thought. A bit like newborn calves, wandering aimlessly and bumping into things. I'll need to be patient. Perhaps a therapist would be of help to us but at the current time we do not have that option, as insurance is not active as of yet. We shall see. That's enough for now I suppose. My hands get worn out from typing rather quickly, though I'm sure practice will remedy it. May you remain safe tonight, Alex
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As this is my first post within this blog, I suppose it would be best suited to do so with an introduction as to who I am before getting down to the basis of the blog's topic. My name is Alexandru Dorian Vlk, and I am -as far as I am aware- twenty three years old. I enjoy various forms of art and many genres of music, though I willingly surrender to Ruslana or Years & Years time and time again! Winter and Fall are possibly my favorite seasons, though I'll never be able to fully confirm this. This is indeed my first blog post, so please bare with me as I am still learning on how to do this or what to write. It just seems nice to ramble here and again, though some times they may simply just be transcripts from my Journal that I share with Warren. He is also a blogger here under the name WarrenG. As far as I am aware, I am Romanian though I seem to have forgotten the language, but an accent persists to plague my poor pronunciations, haha. Now, this is where it gets slightly complicated. --Please Note:-- As stated in the description of the blog---If you are not supportive of MPD or DID (Multiple Personality Disorder//Dissociation Identity Disorder) or live beneath the illusion that such things do not exist, this may not be the blog for you. If you do not believe in reincarnation or the possiblity of it, then again, this is not the blog for you. The reason for this side note is directly linked to who I am. I am my own person with my own likes, dislikes, opinions, story and the like. My name is my own and a matter of actuality, not fiction. I have and had my own life and my own story, though I am still attempting to piece them together as I find the puzzle pieces. I am an Alternate Personality of a Transgender Man. My host, friend and brother, is WarrenG. A twenty three year old Transgender man from Northern Vermont, obsessed with penguins and an occasionally obnoxious childlike attitude. He is an American Citizen, born in the woodsy State of Vermont with a rather frustrating mother and four siblings. Father deceased. I, myself, am very different and very many ways-yet, we remain the same. As far as I am aware -since I am still piecing them together- I was born somewhere near the Carpathian Mountains in Modern Day Romania, near what is now known as Rusnov. I do not know exact locations and that seems to be just as well since the maps have changed since that time. My childhood is a bit foggy aside from bits and pieces though I am certain that I was of a low-income home. There is a drastic difference in timeline between Ren's life and my own but I dont feel it necessary at the moment to explain too deeply into the subject. I am Pagan, to the best of my explanations, and I lived alone with my dog Cornelius. Warren and I do share a great many interests and such, but in the same sense we also greatly differ. Please, dearest readers, do not mistaken my own personality or identity to be of his own, as it is not. I am my own person. If you would like to watch a film that may or may not be of assistance in understanding this concept, I do encourage you to watch Sybil. The older version may be better of 1977 with Sally Field as it is my favorite version, but the new version is also rather good. Either way, it does offer a little more of an insight to our...."Condition". We are not medically diagnosed, but I do not feel that this is necessary in order to continue to be who we are. We still function as one whole and take turns within work and do our jobs well, and it does not interfere with our daily lives. I do not always 'front' in force, as he either allows me full freedom or will inform me when I may take the front. Which is fairly often so I will not complain. Most in our daily lives do not have any knowledge of my presence and some days I feel that this is best as they would not understand. I have gotten rather good at mimicking his voice and accent so as not to draw attention so it has not been a problem. Though I feel that I have rambled enough for now. I fear that I have forgotten entirely as to the point of this blog post, I have gotten so caught up with my explanations. I feel as though explaining seems to be a common feat that we must practice, despite how few know about what is going on. Regardless, I suppose this is the last of my blog. I have wasted enough time on the computer when I could be wasting even more time with my markers and mandala coloring pages, hahaha! Take care everyone and please do not hesitate to ask questions. I would rather an understanding than an assumption. -Alex
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Ah howdy dewdy do berrysnoggles. I'm slightly bored atm so I decided I would ramble while watching my bf play 'Dont Starve' on tv. I got my lil bro Kai here and he's on IMVU spacing out so I got bored. First off, I want to mention that you never realize how hard it is to switch pronouns for someone unless you also have to do it. I used to think "Omg, how hard is it to just call me SIR?! OR HE?! WTH PEOPLE". Well now I would like to humbling apologize. It sucks and it does take a lot of practice. Surprisingly, Justin is doing a better job at keeping Kai's pronouns than me. I think part of it is because Kai was so on the fence about his gender identity on wether he was/is transgender or not, that I wasnt sure what he preferred and he wasnt even sure yet. But now I guess it is official and I need to kick my own toots into gear on remembering. Him, he, his, etc.....Just keep repeating it, right? lol Anyway, my mother made it abundantly clear that if I do not deliver Kai home by the 22nd of december, he will not be coming back ever again. SO Kai and I agreed that, at least for this year, we will do as she wants and follow her rules. We did have xmas together last year so I suppose it's only fair. I'll ask my mom later how she feels about me taking Kai next year since she's getting this year. Hopefully she says yes. She seems to have come to a little more reasonable terms with me being transgender now that Kai has come out as transgender as well, though she's still in denial about it. Perhaps she's in denial and in the mindset of "well you didnt show signs of it through childhood like Kai has" because she feels guilty to have not paid attention at all in those times. Kai's teen years and my teen years are vastly different. I was trying to go to chef's school, balancing sneaking out to discover my sexuality, being arrested for trespassing and vandelism, joining covens and basically doing things I shouldnt have been doing. I was rebelling, discovering myself. So I werent home very much unless I were forced to play mom while my mother was busy with her numerous boyfriends or getting new jobs (that she quit after a few weeks and blamed us kids for.). I was so often referred to as the mother of the house that I had to teach my (at the time) 3 year old brother to call me his sibling and not his mom. Anyhow, I'm falling off track. In terms of Alexandru, we've gotten a long a little bit better though we're hitting roadblocks here and there. Like, for instance, Alcohol. Alex rather enjoys drinking at random and I've picked up my iced tea to drink and found vodka in it not helpful. We talked about it a little and we DID agree that we wouldnt drink on work nights, and he had obeyed that because it wasnt on a work night. But I wasnt in the mood to drink, so it still annoyed me. Another issue we've had is that he wants to date. I know he's fine with me dating justin and he is tollerable of the whole....sexual thing.....But I know he's not into him. Justin just isnt Alex's type. He wants a girlfriend, but I honestly do not see this working out. Justin is still in the mindset that 'alex' is simply a different personality in terms of moods or emotions, and not a seperate person entirely. We havent really talked about it because I'm not sure how to. I told Alex that he can date on IMVU and we just wont tell justin, but I think he wants a more physical relationship. I feel bad but there's not much we can do about it. I've decided that once my insurance is settled, I'm going to try and find a therapist that covers both Gender Identity and MPD to help us figure out what steps to take next. We have been keeping up a journal to talk either back and forth or just get things off our minds (seems weird to use that word in plural), and it seems to help both of us settle a little and not feel so aggitated. Though we've agreed not to read eachother's pages without asking in case there is something personal. Mostly we're keeping the journal as a reference for whatever therapist we might get, so they can see that this is an ongoing thing and not just on a whim of "oh, yeah, btw....". I guess that's mostly just my fear, is people thinking I'm doing this for attention or something. But one simple note comes to mind that reminds me that this might not be the case. He reminds me of it occasionally. "If this was for attention, than why do we talk to eachother both mentally and verbally while at work? When no one is around and clearly no one can hear us. If it was for attention, why would we bother to upkeep that habit when no attention could be taken from it?" He's kinda got a point.....Lately he's figured out how to stay awake at night during work and I..."rest", I guess you could say. So during the day when I'm awake (after we both physically sleep), he's mentally very quiet as if in his 'own room'. I've realized, by talking with another person with MPD (more alts than I have though) that they each can have their own rooms or realities that they can retreat to whenever they feel like it. Alex has told me about his room and I'm kind of jealous that I dont have one lol but it's whatever. Mostly I (we, apparently, since it irritates him too) am very pissed off that it's December 15th and we've seen nothing but Rain, rain, rain, and more rain. We're due for 60F weather for the next week or two, and this is TOTALLY NOT NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!! Last year we were in three feet of snow by now! This is not only annoying, but unsettling....This weather is the complete opposite of what we should have right now. It's creepy and concerning....I dont like it. At this point, IF we even GET snow---we'll have snowbanks clear through til July Not impressed. This is REALLY going to mess up crops and whatnot. We already had a bad year growing crops, and this def' is not going to help.I'm not huge into the global warming theory but jeez.....It's kind of freaking me out. Plus Alex really wants to play in the snow >.< So we're having a short Xmas on saturday for Kai before he goes home, which'll be interesting lol I was accused of being a student at the private academy I work at AGAIN because people think I'm underage (WHY?!!?!?), And I got my hair cut. Pics will come soon xoxo Think that's all for now lol This is seriously just a ramble post. -Ren
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I was super excited for this time of year at one point, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm dreading it deep down inside. Nothing I recieve will be for 'Ren' or 'Warren', but all for 'Kristy'. It hurts and it makes me want to avoid christmas altogether. I've been fighting constantly with my mother just to get visitation with my lil sibling Kai for christmas, as was promised. It has turned into chaos to get her to let her come over, and to be honest shes pissing me off. Finally, after Kai crying and basically begging my mom to let them come over, it's been settled and I'm picking Kai up on friday the 11th. I have plans for christmas with her but do not want to say here on the off chance that my mother might have access, though I have no freaking clue how she would. But she's evil and manipulative so I wouldnt doubt it if she did. Just to 'keep tabs' on me. Yes, I'm slightly paranoid right now. Otherwise, work has been great and whatnot. I have 90% of my xmas shopping done and (shockingly) wrapped which is nice. My xmas cards are 80% done aside from mailing them out or handing them out as most dont need to be put in the mail. Which is kind of nice. And I'm still not entirely pleased with the extra blog on my tgg account (alex ) but I guess I should just let it go, since he didnt really have anywhere else to post and isnt very tech savvy. It still seems really really weird to consider myself one of multiple. Just months ago, he were simply a figment of my imagination. A constant and obnoxious voice in the back of my head that I would argue with until it reduced me to frustrated tears. But he's certainly real...no matter how I wish it wasnt true, and I could just be some normal transgender dope. But I guess it could be worse....some people with MPD have destructive alts or child or "littles" alts. Thankfully, as far as I know, its just Alex and he's both mature and non-destructive. Though I wasnt pleased to wake up from a hangover Thanks a lot. >:( I'm still trying to process the whole thing....I half wonder sometimes if its just a secret side of myself attempting for attention but if it was, then why do we have full conversations and talk back and forth constantly when I'm at work, where no one else is around? If it was for attention, then who would I be doing it for if we're alone? We.....such a weird feeling to say 'we' instead of 'me'. But somehow, it feels more suiting. I just sucks that I have to keep quiet about it around everyone offline. Granted, my boyfriend knows but from what I told him, he assumes that is just a switch of personality, not a switch of person. He sees it as my mind blocking out something and forcing an emotion instead, kind of like being bipolar. He's never met Alex. Not officially. Alex is very very good at surpressing his accent and emotions enough and pretend to be me that no one notices. Aside from downing a drink that I normally would never be able to finish. >.> Again, thanks for that.... Basically life is really confusing right now. I'm not sure what is me and what is him or what is imagination and just...It's hard when I do not have a full validation that it's real or not. I've considered seeing a therapist but there arent any in my area who will take my insurance. I cant afford another bill Thankfully we've met another person who has MPD (a MUCH bigger system than alex and I. They have over 12 alts 0.0 holy sh--) and it's nice because it gives him someone to talk to that I trust him doing that with. And it gives me someone to ask advice from. Right now, I still am very very very VERY hesitant on talking to anyone offline about this. Only you guys and a few who have paid attention in my transregulars group on FB actually know about him. I can probably count them all on one hand (aside from you guys on TGGuide). Still is very weird to me...... As a sidenote, I told him he could pick my next haircut. And he hasnt let me forget >.< So, pics upcoming when I get it cut next week. Wish me luck.... -Ren P.S. PROJECTS: Front Lawn: (no snow yet, poo!) CREAM CHEESE/CHOCOLATE CHIP FILLED MONKEY BREAD (IN EACH BITE) XMAS SNOWMEN I MADE FOR KAIRI & MACKENZIE (NIECES) AND JORDAN (BABY BROTHER)
