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It can't last forever, surely? Two days ago, I composed an email to be sent out to selected people at work. I was going to send it out myself but then my mentor (I call her that, because she's been helping me a lot) suggested it might be better if the email was sent by my manager, with a few words from him to show he's supporting me. So I sent my composed email to him along with a list of people that I wanted him to send it to, and he wrote a very nice intro to it and sent it for me. Almost immediately, I received three replies from senior managers, saying stuff like, "Well done" and "I'm proud of you" and "I'm here if you need anything". Today, I arrived at my desk and a guy came over and said, "Thanks for sending me that email. Thanks for including me on the list because I could tell you chose that list of recipients carefully. So I thought maybe that means you see me as a friend." One of the reasons I'd sent it to him was because I can tell that he's pretty influential at work. He's not a senior manager but he's well respected. And when my mother died, he was the only person to say "I'm sorry" and offer me a hug. So I suppose I see him as someone I respect and I kind of hoped he might be on my side when he found out what I'm doing. And he confirmed that he is on my side. He said, "If you need anything, if anyone gives you any sh*t, if you want to talk to someone, I'm here." So I said, "There is one thing..." And I explained that, in January, when I will be full-time male after the HR systems and the IT systems have been changed, and my new name is there for all to see, I fully intend to use the male toilets from day one. He said, "And so you should!" But I explained that, because I haven't ventured in them yet, I don't know the layout and I want to know where the stalls are and where the urinals are so that, when the time comes, I can just walk in and go where I need to go, without looking like I'm lost. And without feeling like an intruder. So he took me inside and showed me around He said that when I go full-time in January, if I feel I need some backup, especially at the beginning, he'll go to the toilets with me. isn't that nice? So far, everyone who knows (and it's not a very long list yet) has been incredibly supportive. At work, anyway. The only fly in my ointment is my brother. He's still having a hard time with this. He's the only one who has had anything negative to say. I hope that changes soon.
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So, I told my dad and my brother that I am going to transition. There was the expected silence, and then I waffled a little more to fill in the silence, not entirely sure what I was saying but I knew I was rambling. And then I asked if they had anything to say. My dad said, "It's your life and I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to live it. Do whatever makes you happy." My brother said nothing, but I did notice he suddenly found the rugby on the television rather fascinating. So I said, "You're very quiet. What are you thinking?" And he turned to me and had a go at my husband, blaming him. That was totally unexpected and, I think, a little unfair. Admittedly, while I was considering moving out - thinking about splitting from my husband - I did talk to my brother about it. I've moaned about things my husband has said and done in the past, and so it's more than likely my fault that my brother now has a lower opinion of my husband than I'd like. But my brother's words were pretty venomous. Not what I was expecting at all. He blew up, spouted a load of hurtful stuff and stormed out of the room. I decided not to go after him, having realised that it was probably better to give him some space. My dad said, "Give it time; he'll be alright." Then he told me it's going to take a while for him (my dad) to get used to it, too. He said he wanted to apologise up front in case he still calls me by my old name occasionally, because it's going to be a hard habit to break. My brother returned and repeated what he'd said previously and then he left the house. My dad and I stared at each other for a while and then we started talking. Initially about my plans to transition and then onto other things. My dad talked about my childhood and how he'd noticed plenty of times that I was never really a girl and how it all kind of makes sense really although he will never fully understand it. He said that all he ever wanted for his kids was for them to be happy and then he talked about his own childhood; about how his parents fought all the time but that they loved each other madly and they loved their children. We did a lot of reminiscing and then he reiterated that he wants me to be happy, before I decided it was time to leave. I haven't seen my brother since that day. I don't really know how long to leave it before I approach him. But I did receive a message from him where he apologised for the words he'd used. I replied to say it was fine (which it wasn't really but that wouldn't have helped) and that I thought he should concentrate on himself and his family and forget about me for a while. He replied to say it was just a lot to take in. And I suppose that's exactly it. It is a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. I've had forty years to come to terms with what I am and what I was going to do about it. It's only in the last three years, give or take, that I've actually thought that I could do something about it. People around me have known, to varying degrees, and for varying lengths of time, what I am. But now that I'm actually doing something about it, from their point of view I suppose it's a major shock, and they're facing a new reality that they never expected. It's just that, from my point of view, that happened the wrong way around. I expected my brother to be the one who said, "Fine; go for it." I expected my father to not understand and to be upset and to reject what I said. But to have my father say it's fine and my brother to storm away, well, that was unexpected.
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I had to rush to get dressed and made up in time for the meeting. My wife was kind enough to help out here and there and soon I was in the car on my way to the meeting. I got there just in time. One of the girls were quite rude as I greated her. I can never understand why people feel the need to be mean to newbies. I ignored her obvious attempt at establishing her superiority and joined the rest of the group inside. My overdressed outfit made an impression, and I felt comfortable. We spoke about comming out to family members and lovers. The group was diverse with gay men, lesbian lovers and a female to male transgender to full in all the combinations. The main problem in relationships are the expectations that change once a transgendered person comes out. Parents will grieve and lovers will need to come to grips with facing the reality of loveing that person in another gender. In the end love will conquer all. Personally I feel like my home has turned into a war zone. My wife is having a difficult time understanding and with my emotions all over the place thanks to the hormones we fight almost daily. I showed her the definition of gender dysphoria and that seemed to have cleared things up a bit, but I fear we are still drifting apart as I nolonger look, feel and smell like the man she once felt attracted to. I can only hope that things will work out as I can't go back to living as a male. My ability to pretend has forever been broken. Even as I think of going back to my old life I see a thick black hole of dred and depression so I have no choice but to move forward.
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As a cisgender Lesbian, the price for immediate interaction, as provided by the Internet, rather than meeting face to face, is a loss of community. It is important to maintain community. In the age of the Internet (especially social media), cell/smart phones, and other technology, it is becoming more and more difficult. In the Lesbian community, as I am seeing Lesbians approaching gaining their full civil rights, I am seeing less community. Presently, I only see Lesbian Connection and Golden Threads, among a few others, trying to maintain community among Lesbians, and they are struggling. Sadly, I have also noticed that most Lesbian bookstores no longer exist. My great concern is, when, as transpeople achieve greater acceptance, are they going to lose community, too? The challenge to the TLGB community, is to maintain community as the emphasis in our society shifts from face to face to online interaction. In my opinion, I feel we have it reversed. People should meet face to face PRIMARILY, and maintain contact (and community!) through technology. The Internet should be seen as a tool to support face to face interaction, but not to supplant it.
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Although I had been masculine for most of my adult years, I have been officially out to my family since Jan. 2010 and I have been on testosterone for close to three years. I put off my transition because I didn't think I would have a family if I did. After many of my mom's abusive comments towards me, I finally said, "screw this" and started it. I was right. Our relationship was pretty non-existent, and when I thought I would try to rekindle a familial dynamic again, my mom plain refused to acknowledge my identity, referring to me with female pronouns even though my voice was deep and had facial hair. The day after the Bruce Jenner interview, I ended up seeing her for a family function. She has watched 20/20 and Dateline and like shows for years, so I assumed she saw it, but didn't bring it up. Later in the afternoon, she asked if I watched it. It sparked about a 3 hour conversation, one which I feel was long overdue. Nothing negative was said. It was all positive. She even cried. I don't know if the tears were the realization that being trans is real, and she reflected on the things she's said and the way she treated me in the past, or something else, but I don't care. She actually showed an emotion instead of hiding it and hurting people. At this moment, I feel like she is now supportive, and this is something I have NEVER had from her. Thanks Bruce Jenner for sharing your story.
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I wanted to throw this out there, as a sidenote off from one of my other blog posts this evening. I wanted to take this time to sit down, mellow out, and most of all....Thank you. Thank every single one of you. All of you who stop and peek into my demented mind to read my blogs. Thank you for stopping and feeling my pain, laughing with me, shaking your head at my own less-than-witty comments, and crying with me if it so suited you. I'm extremely, unbelievably grateful for every one of you and ALL the friends I've made, and friends I'm yet to make on here. You've all been extremely helpful to me and have kept my chin up out of the muck and grime of grief and guilt and unbelievably overwhelming life's chaos. I will certainly continue to be grateful for all of my wonderful friends here on TGG. It has been beyond enriching, appreciated, heartwarming, enlightening and uplifting to have such a fantastic support system behind me. To know that no matter what is going on in my life, I know that I'll always have my friends here on TGG to help me through it. To break my fall, and pick me back up once again and brush me off and say "Go get 'em, tiger!" I cannot possibly express to you all how wonderful you've all been to me. From simply liking my blogs, to the wonderfully informative or supportive comments, to the remarkable personal messages of support and encouragement...I love logging in and seeing what everyone is doing and saying and up to in this world of awesomesauce. You've all opened up my eyes from the cruel word and shown me that there IS a place for me, I'm NOT useless, and I DO have a voice that I am ALLOWED and ENCOURAGED to use.. I love blogging for you guys and plan to continue to do so as much as I can, and I BEG that you guys try not to get too bored with me when Things get too chaotic to on a regular basis. I'm always thinking of all of you, and without you guys, I wouldnt be where I am today! Have a FANTASTIC holiday! Have a VERY Merry Christmas, A WONDERFUL Hanukkah and VERY VERY Happy New Year!!! I love you all! Your friend and crazy Blogger, Warren
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So one one hand not much has changed, I still totally presenting as male no one is ever going to mistake me a female. Or maybe more correctly stated everyone will mistake as male. Yes I do where nothing but women's clothes now but they are gender neutral, and no one can tell unless they look really close. In fact I ushered at church Christmas Eve, and the day before, Christmas Eve. And no one knew it. But I did. But I did and it felt wonderful. It's so true what they say a new outfit can change a woman's whole mental outlook, it sure did for this woman. Which is really getting more in the the other hand. Back to the first hand. I've not started to HRT yet, and very likely will not. While I would love to completely transform my to be more correct and match my mind, I still love my wife very much and want to be there for her. So I didn't know until recently that I've been in transition for a long time. As I been shaving my body and getting mani-pedis with color polish on my toes for a few years, so technically all of those things transitioning at least to my understanding. Now back to the other hand. My mind has changed so much. I used think I was a crossdresser, and was sick and there was something really seriously wrong with me. I hated myself, basically all my life. The shame I had was so deep and so wide. But now that I come to terms with who and I what I am, I feel so much better about myself, I no longer hate myself, I think I may come to love myself, and that may happen sooner than later. That right there makes me stop. LOVE MYSELF, REALLY? It is so freeing to know I am not sick and there's nothing wrong with me. I am just a woman doing things that women do. So Its been interesting hearing what other women have had to say to me. My massage therapist said " I very obvious how real and important this is to you, because when you talk about it you jusr like up" She is so right. Then the woman who colored my hair said "you just seem so very happy talking about all this" Both women were right on. The thing I love the most is these women and other women treating me as one of them. I've got to tell you an other funny story. My health coach who was the first one, other than wife wife and therapist(that's not massage therapist). She was taking my measurements, to check my progress. I asked her about bra size, as how figure out what size i was.Well she though I was asking her bra size and she just told me, Later I said to her "Do you know how I know you think of me as a women, when I ask about bra size and you just flat out told me , there no way you'd do that with a man" she laughed and said "you're so right" So anyway I am not sure how this is all going to turn out for me. Or for my wife and daughters? My wife is still having a really hard time with this. My daughters do not know yet, I'm dying to tell them but my wife doesn't want me to, so I have not. The hard part is I still love my wife very much and she still love me very much. I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want to be my best for my wife and daughters and myself. And I really fell that means becoming the woman I've always been, I think girls will accept me much more easily than my wife is. I can totally understand her having a hard time, if she came to me and said she was a man, I know I have a really hard time with that. Okay that's enough for now more to come, Hugs, DawnLynn
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