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Today marks the beginning of my first blog.
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I'd like to start by saying that I am deadnaming myself here. I hope that does not offend anyone here. You see, I don't think of myself as Rick any longer, that is past. But I believe, no matter who we are, we owe thanks to who we were yesterday; last week; last month; last year and so forth. So please read on an remember I am referencing someone who I am very fond and proud of, even if he no longer exists. Thank you. Soliloquy to Rick Sitting comfortably one evening, I reflect on the debt I owe Rick for preparing me for what was to come. Without his courage and tenacity, I would not be here, and he would have inevitably fallen into deep despair. You see, a great tragedy had befallen Rick even before he was born. No one knew that of course, but an unfortunate twist of fate had cursed this child to a lifetime of torment in ignorance. Rick grew up a good soul, in a good family with honorable values. That family had its share of tragedies though. By the time Rick was 5, he had lost his mother. Little did he know how that would affect him, and how much he would need her, only to be left with no one to fill that role. Perhaps if she had lived, Rick may have been able to avoid what was to come, but we will never know. Each of his siblings and his father had to deal with their own pain as well. The grief caused some to rebel, some turned to substances to quell the pain, and others to work to forget. But Rick did not understand why his mother had been taken away. After his Mother’s death, Rick became emotionally empty, never being able to fill the void left behind. He learned he must be strong, so he built walls to hide any thoughts and emotions that might be too painful or shameful, especially with his family and twin brother. External normalcy became his façade. He himself could not face the pain so he tucked it away in a hidden part of his subconscious. It was then, early in life Rick had learned to develop defense mechanisms. It was a way to move on without ever having to confront the pain and emptiness that festered inside, to feel safe. But soon thereafter, he felt something wasn’t right. He had no cohesive thoughts or words to explain what was wrong. Even if he had found the words, he could never have shared them out of fear of rejection. No, these feelings and thoughts were wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why was he drawn to things like female clothing? Why was he so jealous of the girls he knew? He tried his best to make it go away, hide it inside his emotional walls with the emptiness he still could not face, tormented by feelings he could not control, nor eradicate. The more he tried to dismiss them, the stronger they became. A force burned deep within him. Embers smoldering, like a dormant volcano. Rick was a good person, a strong person, and he tried his best, but he was flawed. All his strength and intelligence couldn’t stop him from succumbing to that force. It was soft at first, like a distant echo on the wind. He tried everything he could to make it go away, but no matter what he did, it never left him. He tried to be the person that everyone expected, a man, a husband and a father. He felt like this would finally cure him. But he failed miserably. As an adult, that prenatal joke from so long ago had moved from his subconscious to his conscious thoughts. He finally found love in a wonderful selfless woman and her family, but he could no longer hide his torment from himself. As he grew emotionally, his prison walls were beginning to weaken. But he had to hide his secret from everyone he loved, even at the expense of a growing guilt on top of everything else. It must be hidden, it’s shameful, horrid too. No one would ever understand, and why should they, he hadn’t been able to grasp it himself. He lived a very lonely adult life, even with a house full of people who loved him and great friends. He fought back the emptiness from his youth by spending as much time alone as he could to help ease his growing anxiety. That deep down true essence of his spirit was stirring, and he felt that growing presence in his soul. He was frightened, but he couldn’t stop it from coming. Like trying to stop the concentric rings from flowing when a pebble is dropped in a pond, the fight was futile. Over the years those echoes of whispers became stronger like a dog whistle, murmurings that only he could hear. “I’m coming. You have suffered long enough. I am ready to take over and weather the storms in your future, and to be strong for your loved ones, because I love them too. It’s time to give you the liberation from the chains that bound you, free to live honestly and openly”. Finally, after six decades, Rick found the courage to face his torment and pain. He stood tall and brave, no matter how painful, knowing he could lose everything. Even against those odds, he took a deep heroic breath and stepped aside as Rick’s authentic identity, a strong and confident female presence emerged. Slowly at first, like an actor peeking through a curtain to see what the audience was like. Eventually she was ready to take over. Not even sure of a name, she fought valiantly to right the tragic mistake perpetrated on her before birth. She stood tall and declared herself Rachel. Rachel had been fighting her own battles, and the challenges were many, but with the support of her loved ones, her courage and bravery kept her moving forward. She knew that to face adversity she would need dignity and grace. So here I sit, my tremendous and never ending gratitude goes out to Rick. He fought insurmountable odds, never giving up his survival until he had fulfilled his prophecy, and brought forth the true spirit from within. That cruel tragedy was finally made right. I will never forget him. He can rest now.
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They hath disgraced Transgender folks and hindered our existence, laughed at our struggle, mocked at our gains, scorned our identity, thwarted our dreams, cooled our friends, heated our enemies – and what's their reason? We are Trans. Hath not Trans folks eyes? Hath not Trans folks hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as CIS folks are? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. - Original text from Shakespeare’s A Merchant in Venice edited by me to reflect Transgender folks struggle in a heteronormative bigoted society.
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I am a Trans Womxn, I am Queer I came out March 25th 2016 My pronouns are XE XIR XIRS I am a womxn, I am valid, I am beautiful I deserve love, respect & happiness like everybody else Please see me as the Womxn I am Please see me as the humxn being I am Please love me and respect me & no throw me away I have sooooo much love inside me that shouldn’t go to waste Please see me, please value me.
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I am transgender. Yes, yes I am. Millions in our community are on my side. Science is on my side. Psychology is on my side. Civility is on my side. Respectability is on my side. Love, is on my side. Friendships are on my side. Humxn history is on my side. Just love us for who we are. We are just as real, just as humxn, and just as worthy as you. ♥️
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I'm still with you guys/gals/people I havent left you, despite my almost complete disappearance. Things got so hectic and depressing that I had set aside all of my extra things (youtube, blogging, etc) and abandoned all of my activities in the trans community. I didnt want to be a part of any of it anymore and I didnt want to deal with any of the dysphoria that came with watching the progress of everyone else. It was too much. I met friends through the many groups but they kind of drifted away to do their own things, and in my own opinion, seem to be forgetting the little guys that looked up to them in the first place. It just became too much. I was struggling with SH and the rejection my family was putting on me plus just about every other nasty thought that ran through my head on my own doing. So I left, and I apologize for that. I'm still struggling with the SH. I thought certain things around cure that problem for me but apparently it will still be a struggle. Not sure why I thought otherwise. But I wanted to update you all--No, I NEEDED to update you all on this. A struggle you all knew I was having. TW: Possibly graphic to some people . . . As of April 30th, I've officially had top surgery done. The procedure was done by Dr.Robert Feins in Manchester NH and done at the Nashua Surgical Center in Nashua NH. I'm still a few weeks into healing but so far I love the results. I've had a few issues with the incision line as you can see in the front, but it is expected to smooth itself out on its own. They removed a total of TWELVE AND A HALF POUNDS off my chest and will remove more after I heal when they do the revisions on the sides and possibly the front. Aside from about 2500$ out of pocket (deductable, tissue sample tests, anesthesia and etc), my insurance through Harvard Pilgrim covered my surgery. It's so nice to be able to breathe and move around properly, though now I've come to realize how big my belly is (now that I can SEE it). But in due time, I plan to fix that. Work right now has been chaotic and we've had one person quit so a lot of the job falls onto me. Sadly, I've also considered quitting my job. But I feel awful for considering it so soon after getting my surgery covered by insurance through my job. I feel like pitching out now will be like "thanks for the surgery, bye!" but I'm seriously at my wits end with this job. I'm exhausted, nothing is consistent, there is zero communication and its just so frustrating. It's not what I want to do. I planned to go into the police academy. Which brings me to our next topic. Education: I was homeschooled by my mother, who I am no longer on speaking terms with. I've come to realize that me being homeschooled was just a byproduct of her doting on my older sister, like always. She struggled in school so we ALL got taken out. As an aftermath, my education lacked horribly. I was handed my text books and left to essentially figure it out on my own, lying on tests to make it more believable as I was given the answer keys just so I could pass and she wouldnt get in trouble. As a result, I've taken the time to make a resume to apply for Dispatch 911 operator. I cannot be a police officer right now so I'm starting small. However, when I found my highschool diploma...I realized that its FAKE. My mother never actually got me a diploma and using said diploma (which she didnt even bother to fill out) would be fraud. So, I need to get a GED apparently. I'm beyond furious that she lied to me and I dont actually have a highschool diploma but I cannot say that I am surprised either. Job: As said before, I'm still working security but want to change my job. Life: MY BROTHER IS LIVING WITH ME. I cant remember if I told you all that, but my brother (19 and trans) was being verbally and mentally abused by my mother but I had no way to get him to safety. UNTIL my partner and I were able to get an apartment with 2 bedrooms and I took him to live with me! He's been here about 5 or so months and it's been rocky here and there but we're happy and he's safe so that makes me happy! My SH is somewhat under control right now. I'm about 3 months SH free but I dont suspect that'll last with the stress I'm under right now. Youtube: I have quit youtube for now with the sad realization that I had no place in it to begin with. I had nothing to talk about, not much of anyone watching, and no idea what I was talking about half the time anyway. I had removed all of my videos and washed my hands of it until I feel comfortable enough to start it up again. My first video will probably be about my next topic. Transness---Am I really trans?: Due to a series of events that I'm not sure how it started but it all sort of fell into my lap regardless, I've had some sneaking suspitions on my gender. No, scratch that. My Sex. I know my gender. I know I'm a guy and I am totally cool with that. It was the sex I was not certain of. Now most people can look down and go "yup, my sex is _____" and call it a day. I've never really had that. I've been with several cis women and I never really felt as if I was on that same level that they were. Something was just...off. Looking back at my childhood, I realized little things here and there that greatly supported my suspicions. It was not until meeting a friend of mine who is a counciler for LGBTQ+ teens and talking to her a bit that I stumbled on my own reality. It all fit, like one of those puzzles you forgot you had but never finished. The I in LGBTQI+. Several medical abnormalities, a few extra doses of T that I normally shouldnt have, some things in my sexual adventures that were a little off and not to mention the adam's apple, abundance of hair and my overall structure made me stop and poke her brain into the world of Intersex. It took me only ten minutes to realize that it all sounded a little too familiar. I didnt call my doctor because...let's face it. I had to teach HER about transgender things. You really think she'll know anything about intersex? And I cant just go get a new doctor, a complete stranger, and go "hey, I think I'm intersex. Let's chat." No, I stuck with my own "professional" and we dove into it through texts and chats and me doing my own exams with her guidance. Then the big leap. That huge jump that I've never actually thought I'd ever take but I was so desperate to know the truth that I did it anyway. Pictures. I showed her my concerns and she took all of five minutes to confirm everything without even needing to consult her books. I'm not male, I'm not female, I'm intersex. And from her own expertise and what she can see without me physically being there--The doctors who delivered me took that extra step to keep me labeled female; most likely without my mother's consent. However, little things my mother had said to me in the past that seemed irrelevent back then are now horribly relevent and now make perfect sense. She had to have known at least a little bit. But why did she fight it so hard when I came out as trans? Why does she constantly throw that in my face that I'm born a girl? I have a feeling that even if I asked her, she'd lie to my face. So I'm content with not bothering to quiz her on the details of my birth, if she even knew about that aspect of my sex. But now I know, and honestly---I feel more at peace with my sex than I did before. Like that hole in my identity has been filled and it finally all makes sense. I'm Pseudomale Intersex and you know what? I'm okay with that. And this is the first time I've said it somewhat publicly. Some have asked me "Can you even be trans then if you were never technically cis?" and the answer would be "yes" to that. I've had to do some thinking on that myself, actually. But because I still ended up with some altering I had to do and the fact that some of my 'gear' is not cis male, that still makes me trans. And I'm cool with that. And even better, my partner shrugged it off and said "nothing's changed. I've been with you for 8 years, I'm cool with it." Which brings us to: Partners: I'm still with my amazing bf Justin. He's been insanely supportive of me and he and my brother were my saving graces during my surgery recovery time. They were so careful to help me and be the most help they could possibly be. I dont know where I'd be without them. So I think that pretty much catches you all up on my life right now. I do plan to add more blog posts now that I have my account again and I look forward to catching up with everyone again. I hope you're all well and I hope to see your lovely faces again. Lots of love, Warren
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Over 20,000 views of my site. This count is mind boggling. Maybe I can be a good influence to those I impact. Dawn Added - this is all me - wearing a sports bra and a nice running outfit - Showing two early photos to now - Can anyone see why I might be first seen as a woman now? This photo represents the best of how I feel and look today. I have changed quite a bit since I joined this site. Lost weight, longer hair, pierced ears, some breast growth, smooth small and shapely muscles, beard gone. I have reshaped and modified myself as much as I could with out going through extensive surgeries. Now much more feminine in body I am and much more aware of my being transgender. I love it when I look and feel like a woman. This is where I am and I think this is where I will remain. I expect I will take a few more steps toward physical and inward beauty. (Ask me) Thanks to all of you who have positively critiqued my photos,logs and blogs. I love and respect to all of you - Dawn
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I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.
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i remember when i first realized that i wasn't like my brothers, that i was like my sisters. it seemed like a delicious secret but .it didn't take too long for that delcious secret to become a nightmare. By age 5 i prayed that God would make me a girl (i still do). From age 8 until i was18 i dressed in my sister's clothes daily. It always felt soo right to be wearing girl clothes and always i felt calm, the only time in my days when i did feel calm. Until was 11 i thought that i was the only one like me. At age 11 I read about Jan Morris and for the first time i thought that maybe i wasn't alone. When i turned 18 the impossibility of being me was overwhelming, everyday all day i would see other girls and ladies and feel the pain of not being able to be openly like them. i became angry at being trans and even hating me being me. In the next years i ran from me fell in love, got married had 4 children earned 2 degrees all the while hating the best part of me and always when i would pause i would feel the same pain of not being me only every day every year the pain grew worse, it still does. For those of you who are young and hesitating to transition please do whatever it takes to transition. You can run from being trans but it won'ty go away. YOU CAN"T RUN FROM THE BEST PART OF YOURSELF no matter how hard you run or how faryou run. Please don't be cowardly like me and find yourself at 59 years of age hurting soo badly because you need to be the woman you were born to be. May we all love the person we are and be willing to do what it takes to be true to ourselves everyday of our lives. i fear that for me it probably is too late but there are some wonderful things that have happened to me. My maternal instinct makes me an outstanding special educator and i now have grown to love the girl i am. To any who might be reading this, please know that you and i are friends whom i haven't met yet. i will love you forever. -
I was born a woman in a mans body. I've known this since my earliest memory but growing up during the 70s and 80s in Southern California and being raised by two very conservative parents made life heartbreaking and filled with pain. I wasn't strong enough to go against my parents and now at the young age of 50 it's still difficult. I think about how different my life will become and it excites me to think that one day I'll be able to transform into the woman I've always hidden from the public. It's going to take a lot of work—surgical and hormonal— but the end result for me will be liberating and glorious. When I was younger I would wear my sisters dresses as often as I could. One day in my sophomore year of high school my mother caught me in a dress. I spent the next two years in counseling being told it was unacceptable to feel the way I did. In 1986 when I graduated from high school I was forced by my parents to enlist in the United States Army in order to make me a man. I retired after serving 25 years. During my career I fought the urge to be who I was inside. I married three times but that never lasted. I was always jealous of my wives. I wanted to be a wife too. I've begun the necessary steps to happiness. Will it be easy? Absolutely not but anything this important shouldn't be an easy process to traverse. I have several roadblocks ahead of me; weight loss, the looks I'll get when coming out in public for the first time (I'm 6'3" 250 lbs) but I even though I know tough times are ahead I'm still driven to become the woman I was born to be. I quit my job and moved 1,400 miles to Seattle with the hopes of finding a job where I can transition and continue on with becoming Olivia.This will be the first of many blogs depicting my journey.I hope you'll join me by following in on this new grand adventure.
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My Saturday, August 8th, 2015....Shopping with Isabelle... It seems that every time I go out I get a little more gutsy... The first Friday of every month I attend a group meeting here in Gatineau with fellow MTF's and FTM's. Since I already started buying a new female wardrobe, this Friday was the first time I would attend wearing my new clothes...nothing too obvious. I wore jeans, sneakers, a nice American Eagle tee with pink writing and a long beige cardigan...on the bus! I don't really care what other people think and yes I did get a few strange looks but let's just say it blended well with the Guns N' Roses playing in my headphones lol! These meetings are awesome as they are a tremendous help with my dysphoria which is quite intense these days. I have not yet started hormones but am getting a referral to an Endocrinologist from my GP this Wednesday as he has approved my letter from my psychologist. I want to add I DO see a psychologist every two weeks and highly recommend this along with group meetings as the most important steps in self discovery. If you cannot afford therapy, groups are usually free and the help found there is phenomenal! Now for the shopping... Isabelle and I went the this popular shopping center downtown Ottawa. At first I wasn't sure what to buy but knew I wanted something more feminine than what I have so far which consists mostly of various tops and of course socks and underwear. We went to Nordstrom (yikes! $$), Pink, Victoria's Secret and I still wasn't sure what to get. Isabelle then had a really good suggestion... Since my body is still quite masculine...at 6', I weigh in at 220 (lost 80 lbs since last October and still losing) and have typical male love handles, very little butt, man boobs from teenage gynecomastia, she suggested I buy a maxi dress that fits and take a couple of pictures. We could then see the gradual effects of hormones by taking a picture wearing the same dress about once a month. Then as I drop the weight even more, buy another "goal" dress which is a little more snug and so on.. We went to a store called Sirens and with the fall clothes being out, there were very few XL size summer maxi dresses. We then went to Forever21 and there I found the perfect dress for this little experiment...a long blue pattern summer maxi which fits very well length wise but of course I do not fill it in quite correctly in a couple of areas.. We got home and I immediately put it on!. Wow is it ever comfortable...I know now that dresses will take up a huge part of my future wardrobe and can't wait to start wearing them more and more. My next purchase will be shoes and sandals and for this I will have to go to a tall girl store which we have in downtown Ottawa as I am probably around a size 13 wide in women's shoes. In the meantime, I dress in my feminine clothes all the time when not at work and practice makeup every chance I get...I love that stuff! All the above is far from being a "cure all" for my level of dysphoria as my psychologist rates my transsexualism as pretty extreme and know I will have to undergo all surgeries (the "bottom" surgery is paid for by health insurance here in Canada), but is does help a little with my intense daily anxiety and along with the therapy and groups, keeps me from completely losing it until I start hormones and go further in my "oh so welcomed" transition. Now I'm on holidays for this week and the music is creeping back.... Thanks for reading, Roxanne
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Good meal, good chocolate and first crowd?
RoxanneLafleur posted a blog entry in A New Life of Love and Music
After a good day of relaxing and playing music, yesterday was our trans discussion group's monthly outing to a restaurant (my first time going). I decided I would wear my favorite jeans, harley boots, a really cool long sleeve long dark green top and new dream catcher necklace I purchased at the same store as the top. I wore makeup, packed my money, phone and cards in my new wallet, a nice pink Michael Kors clutch with wrist band, and take the bus. I had a one hour ride to downtown, a 14 minute wait and a short ride to my destination which was a decent Greek restaurant. This was my second time going out dressed and wearing makeup and since I'm not yet on HRT, I am not passable at all....and I don't really care. The first ride was very uneventful and when I got downtown, I waited in a glass bus stop along with a very pretty and tall black woman. Since this was right downtown Gatineau (across the river from Ottawa) and the area has a multitude of bars and night spots, there were a lot of people walking around and I was curious to see how many times I would be noticed and looked at twice. Aside from a couple of people staring a bit and an elderly lady giving me the "evil eye" (I just smiled back!), it was a lot less eventful than I would have previously imagined. The lady at the bus stop even sat beside me and complimented me on my nails which was really cool! I met my friends, a group of MTF's and FTM's and had a great meal and even better conversation. After the meal, we decided to head to a new chocolate/ice cream place which recently opened and when we got there ...wow! The place was packed with a lineup about 40 feet out the door. We waited in line and it was really worth it...great ice cream of all kinds with a selection of about 12 different kinds of chocolate dips! All 8 of us stood out on the patio and talked for at least an hour before heading back...it was awesome! This was really my first time heading out into the "unknown" being my true self and it felt exhilarating! A couple of times I noticed some weird looks and stares but the feeling of being out as myself with people just like me and their friends out weighed any issue others might have with me...that belongs to THEM, not me! A friend from the group gave me a ride home and I slept soooo well! This morning when I got up I had this crazy craving for steak and eggs! I had the steak but not the eggs so I put on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and headed to the convenience store I've been going to for many years. I still had on the nail polish as I usually keep it on during weekends and when I'm not working. When I walked in I was curious to see if the cashier, who is a friendly woman in her 20's, would notice or say anything. I got the eggs, went to pay and after waiting for the only other customer to finish paying, she noticed my nails and immediately said: "Oh wow, nice nails!!" to which I replied "thanks...I like the color and don't care what people think..". She replied: "That's great, let your girl have some fun!" The steak and eggs tasted great....I think I'll have a good sleep again tonight... Roxanne -
Last Wednesday was a good day. In the province of Quebec, even though medical services are covered by our provincial insurance, it is practically impossible to get a family doctor to follow us for any issue, problem or in my case, transition. I have to thank my psychologist... about three months ago when she wrote my letter recommending HRT and eventual GRS, she sent a copy of these to a doctor whom she knew specialized in treating LGBT folks. Well it didn't even take two days and to my surprise, the doctor's receptionist called me and scheduled an appointment for the August 12th and informed me the doctor would be taking me on as a new patient...I was floating with happiness!! So I went to my appointment last week and he proceeded to give me a full physical then proceeded to go over the letter from my psychologist with me. He immediately followed up by sending me for blood work and renewed prescriptions I was previously taking, then again immediately sent a fax to an Endocrinologist in Montreal for HRT recommending he start me on it asap. Two hours later I received a call from Montreal letting me know my appointment is set up for October 21st. It's a little while away but ok since I'm learning we cannot be in a rush during this amazing journey called transition. I have to say just knowing I'm finally going to start HRT has helped tremendously with my anxiety. I'm not shy to dress in public, mind you only casually as I haven't dared to publicly wear skirts or dresses yet but will go out wearing makeup and feminine tops. So before going to the movies with my step daughter Isabelle last Saturday, we stopped at Winners and I ended up trying on 32 different feminine articles of clothing and ended up buying some tops, a nice black dress, maxi skirt, leggings, joggers, sleepwear and a few other things... So now I'm wearing only female clothing when not working while at home and will start going out en femme more and more. I'm shy about wearing the skirts and dresses before HRT effects kick in but will eventually work up the courage to do it... I just wish I had more butt and boobs lol. Thanks for reading! Roxanne xoxo
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Funny how a panic attack can sneak up on you....
RoxanneLafleur posted a blog entry in A New Life of Love and Music
I want to share what happened to me during the afternoon of July 18th, 2015. Having moved back into my house at the beginning of the month, not only was my adventure in transition starting but also a great adventure in cleaning (sigh!). My ex was a clothes hoarder which means that even after having "moved", she had left me a bunch of scattered piles of clothes in every room throughout the house as well as in all my closets...what an adventure! With the help of my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle who chose to stay with me, I started this exhaustive task. The closet in my entrance was the first one to tackle but before doing that, I had to free up some room in my storage containers which were filled with my ex's old society games. Since she had left me a huge pile of unused cardboard boxes right in the living room, I had all I needed to take care of business so I packed up all her things which were NOT clothes and managed to fill over 20 boxes! When this was done, a few days later, then I would start on the clothes... Remember by this time she HAD moved lol! Over the next couple of weeks, I packed up boxes with her clothes which of course were all dusty from having sat there litereally for years in some cases. I did this off and on, after work and every day off until finally on the 18th, I decided to take a break, go for a meal at my favorite shopping centre in Ottawa then go to the movies...I wanted to go see the new documentary about Amy Winehouse. I never made it... That whole day I felt off..a bit like I had felt back in 2003 the day I had a heart attack but I knew it wasn't my heart as all my vitals, which I check regularly were in check. I went to the Rideau Centre, ordered a "poutine" at the New York Fries, sat at a counter where they have plugs to charge cell phones and started eating while watching something on YouTube. The sweating started, then the nausea, then I remember feeling very comfortable and sleeping not realizing I had actually passed out and fell off my stool. I woke up to a bunch of people staring at me and asking me if I'm ok! The security guard helped me sit up in a chair and told me the paramedics were on their way... Of course being in early transition, only a couple of people know about my dysphoria and transition. Isabelle was close downtown Ottawa with a friend who also knows about me and my sister was at work. I haven't told my parents yet as I'm waiting for my mom to get biopsy results and will only tell her once her emotional distress has diminished somewhat but the issue now was I was going to be sent to the hospital where I knew my parents would come and see me. Wouldn't be to bad if I wasn't wearing light green nail polish and panties. I wasn't worried about the panties but the nail polish would be a little tricky to explain for sure. When the ambulance came, they checked my vitals and told me everything seemed fined but wanted to take me to the closest hospital just to be on the safe side which I was not opposed to. During the ride, I outed myself to the ambulance attendant and he was very nice about the whole thing and found it remarkable that I was not shy talking about it. He asked a lot of questions and I answered... We got to the hospital and by that time, I had called my sister who then called my parents and after laying down in the emergency area hallway for a couple of hours, my parents showed up. I told them the nail polish was Isabelle's doing and said I didn't mind having color on my nails...they just gave me a funny look and dismissed it... I ended up waiting for another 4 hours before even going through triage and by that time, I had figured out that what I had was a simple panic attack, well a big one, probably the biggest one I ever had and through therapy found the whole house cleaning was what led up to it. I told my colleagues at work and they recommended I take a couple of days off the following week which I did. I then followed my therapist's advice and proceeded to purchase contractor style garbage bags and use the "shovel" method to finish my cleanup! Now all her things are in my garage and waiting for her to come pick them up. If she hasn't done so before the end of this month, I will give everything to charity! I have just finished cleaning my top floor, washed the walls and I'm almost done the main floor. I will be on holidays from my job next week and for the first time in years, plan to actually enjoy myself! The day I am looking forward to the most is August 12th...I will meet my new doctor who will send my for my blood tests and a visit to the endocrinologist at last! I just hope the hormones will help the dysphoria and anxiety... Roxanne- 6 comments
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So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.
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What I did wrong in my coming out as MTF trans Pt. 1
MaddisynKait posted a blog entry in MaddisynKait's Blog
Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters. I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain. See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past. Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!- 4 comments
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Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped. I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.
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Star date August 2014 So, I had my second trip out and about this weekend. We reprised our trip to the same trans friendly gay club/bar we went to last time as we both felt comfortable there and really enjoyed the vibe, the crowd and the venue. The weather has been a bit iffy so instead of the sleeveless cocktail dress I was going to wear I went with floral jeggings, a nude shoulder blouse and my closed high heels (first time I have worn closed heels for any length of time). I accessorized with some floral jewellery and a flower hair clip (it WAS a spring party and I felt the need to make an effort). We forgot to draw cash on Saturday morning, so on the way to the club we stopped at our local service station and I drew some cash from the ATM. Stepping out of the car in full sight of people who may or may not be sympathetic was a bit of a thing, but I felt I had to do it. It was all very new and a little nerve wracking. Especially when a car pulled up right behind me and the two guys didn’t get out but watched me going about my business. I got my cash, stuffed it into my bag and made a beeline for the car. We went to the club and danced, chatted, caught up and met some new people, had a drink, all the usual stuff. I was in a very festive mood and danced more than usual. It was a lot of fun and I was far more relaxed than the first time out. I realised that sandals are far easier to dance in than closed shoes but I didn’t let that minor detail get in my way. What a lot of fun! Then a very unexpected (well for naive little me anyway) thing happened. My wife said that she had overheard some of the men at the bar discussing me. I said she must have been mistaken. Anyway some time later one of the men wandered over from the bar and put a drink down in front of me and then put his hand on my back, asking if I wanted it. He rubbed my back in a friendly sort of way. I was so surprised! I mean intellectually I knew this could happen but I didn’t expect it to happen to me. Anyway I was literally speechless (which is rare for me). Fortunately one of the other girls came to my rescue and engaged him in conversation while I did my deer in the headlights impersonation (please note this is not the most effective way of dealing with these situations). He lost interest and left. I feel bad but it was just so unexpected (and ever so slightly flattering and disquieting all at the same time). So I have resolved to practice some polite, humorous but firm put downs just in case I need these in future. I kind of thought having my wife around as ‘bouncer’ would be sufficient deterrent but it seems I was wrong. Fortunately my wife was ok with it all and found it somewhat amusing. We met some lovely new people, had a nice conversation about shopping and stuff and then and then we left a little later. I was on a natural high and therefore asked my wife to drive us a round for a bit whilst we chatted. Sadly it seems the South African Police Services ‘Tranny Intelligence Division’ seem to be getting more on the ball as we saw a police roadblock in the distance. My wife diverted down some side roads and we got home without incident. I am still not ready to face a police officer and explain the situation to him or her. What a lovely night out.
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So we (my wife and I) did it. We finally inflicted Daniella on an unsuspecting public for the first time. Wow, what fun! The evening was a crossdresser/transvestite/trans person/drag queen etc (all protocols observed I hope) friendly party held at a local (gay) club/bar. It was therefore a friendly place to go to for a first time, shy and nervous girl. The evening was a real clandestine affair; there may be a future for us in military intelligence after all. After attending a family oriented afternoon social, we got home at 7 pm. I showered, did a final hair removal and face shave. We then waited for the babysitter to arrive. We said our goodbyes etc and went to the (unoccupied) guest flat on our property where I had stashed my kit and got dressed, painted nails, and did make-up and hair. My wife went to get the car and I locked up and waited outside. At that point disaster struck! The babysitter came out to see why the car was moving (she had expected us to be gone by then and was afraid someone was stealing the cars). I don't know if she saw me or not as I beat a hasty and slightly wobbly retreat, into the shadows, in my stilettos. Oh well, no point crying over spilled milk. We drove to the venue which took about 10 minutes. I was expecting police roadblock with full body searches at every corner (police road blocks are a feature of life in South Africa), but it seems the South African Police intelligence gathering regarding first time crossdressers inflicting themselves on the innocent public is woefully (and thankfully) inadequate. We arrived at the club and parked the car we could see a few other trans people, crossdressers, drag queens etc standing outside the club and that made me feel better; I was very keen to get in. I got out the car as elegantly as I could (hopefully I didn't flash the security guard: Paris Hilton has my sympathies) and in we went. I had made contact with a few of the attendees on Facebook beforehand and they recognized us right off. They were welcoming, friendly and supportive of both me and my wife. I have seldom been made to feel so much a part of a new group of people so quickly. We got drinks and chatted (I probably bored them all with my story of the babysitter, but I suspect they all remember their first time and appreciate the stress involved). We danced, we talked, we walked around a bit and danced some more. It was great. There was another crossdresser's wife there so my wife had company too which was very nice. There was a self-confessed 'tranny chaser' at the club who looked me up and down but kept his hands to himself, not sure if I should be insulted or not? At around 11-30 my wife had developed a headache and was not feeling too good (loud music is not really her thing), so we left. I could have stayed as I did not want the night to end but we are in this together so we walked through the parking lot greeted the security guard and got in the car as elegantly as I could. My wife drove us home and once again the police's intelligence gathering proved to be far from adequate as we arrived home unmolested. Once we pulled in to the drive way I reluctantly pulled my jeans and jersey on over my dress, took off my wig and earrings and replaced my stilettos with street shoes. I walked into the house and made a beeline for my bathroom while my wife relieved the babysitter. My wife and I spoke lots about this on Sunday night (first chance we had) and we both had so much fun! We are up for it again and are looking forward to more adventures. It was so good being out dressed and being accepted for who and what we are. I do have to work on my presentation skills and especially the behaviours; it is easy to 'lapse' into male behaviours. I appreciate going to a (gay) night club hosting an evening for crossdressers/drag queens etc isn't quite the same thing as shopping, eating etc in 'general public' but it was still a big step for me. There will be more such adventures to follow I am sure.
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After 3+ years of cds-ing on & off, my peers have analyzed & fine tuned my personality to being a better responsible transgender person. Not that before I was performing in difficult times or any way's! After some difficult experiences with other member's of public, I have talked about certain issues in order how to deal with impossible issues to future similar situations. Some people go one way (in terms of gender living as in one state) while others stay on & off that is me. Sometimes we have to be on defence versus offence in one gender or vice versa while being defence in another gender! A lot of the forums posts that are worth or termed serious, one can easily see the ladies ( m to f) get hurt repeatedly for lack of experience to financial to plain unknown factor's! While analyzing same problems I learned NOT to repeat those same mistakes by those ladies and stopped altogether performing cds-ing sometimes for 3-4 weeks in contrast doing every second day! If I wouldn't halted my emotion less state could have been in another mood let's put it that way! I have truly adapted my bi- polar personality & its NOT as simple as one can imagine. I cherish the time to pause bad experiences briefly & proceed with amazing experience next, simply! I was born a man, a simple man, wish to remain simple all the way yet perform the bi-polar inside me.Maybe when technology arrives to perfect anti agiing life for next 150 years that's when I will go for surgery. Watch It's weekend-What R U doing, Coming out one's Shell & Reboot-Watch part 6B Mobile version Visit outcast-all.com or Shazy Jeo on YouTube :)
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This was an interesting week. Feelings of being female kind of just came and went as the tides do. Anyways, this week was tough. I work in DC and take the metro every day and see some nicely dressed women going to work each day. And once a week, I will see at least one person who is trans* going to work, who dresses appropriately and looks really nice (seeing them makes me really proud to be trans and I am proud of them as well - btw!). I had a follow up app't with my therapist today that she had to reschedule. That is fine. I am not in as much of a crisis anymore, more of in a daze lately, just "dealing with being male" and thinking about being female. It is rescheduled for 12/12 at 2 pm. I may go out with friends after and perhaps to a support group. This week, I am headed out on Saturday to the Holiday Inn at 7pm. It should be fun. I don't know what to wear (it will probably be a dress), but it does not matter, I am just glad that I am going out. I have been overweight over the past year, but at least my weight has been stable. I do need to lose weight though, because I feel uncomfortable particularly in tight clothes or when I do endurance sports. Nothing like riding a bike up a 12% climb and wishing I was 150 - 160 lbs again. Anyways ... I hope that everyone has had a good week. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, whoever that may be! I love you all and thank you for reading! Love, Lisa
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11/29/2014 I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see. It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.
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11/24/2014 So, we left to go to my mom's in Perrysburg OH. I was thinking about bringing some of my girl clothes with me but did not. As we left, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Never felt this way before and don't know why. It's almost like I felt like I did not have that outlet if I needed it. However it felt much more than that. Anyways, the trip went well. Though most of the time I thought about what I was going to tell my mom regarding my current situation. She knows about me dressing and wanting to be a girl. However, I believe that she thinks it is no longer an issue. I definitely felt like a girl today. 11/25/2014 I'm at my mom's with my family. I worked in the morning, ran 7.5 miles and then went to the Toledo Zoo for the lights. It was really wonderful. I loved it. We were there for 4 hours. I used to go to the Toledo Zoo when I was young several times a year. So it brought back memories. They had a Santa that was there and the kids had their pictures taken with him. I wished that my dad was there. He would have loved it. 11/26/2014 My son had pink eye this morning so I had to take him to urgent care. I took him home while I got his prescription and went to Target while I waited. If anyone doesn't know already ... Target has awesome girl clothes (If you don't know this, then you can leave the cave now and enjoy). Anyways, I was looking for good workout clothes and cold weather gear for running. Anyways, Target used to have great runnning stuff for guys. Now, they have nothing for guys, only stuff for girls. So, I've been driven to crossdress (damn you, Target, damn you. ;-)). Anyways, I looked at their cold weather women stuff and liked but did not buy because I wanted to try it on, but did not have the time because I had to get back. May go back on Saturday and buy, because I need at least a couple pairs of warm fitted compression pants. --Lisa
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Long time no chat. Yeah I been up to a few things in my year absence from the site. Just a little busy. But I wanted to drop in see how things are going do a quick shout out and in the next few weeks (when I find the time I will do a more filling fill in on what has been going on in my life. Much good and some bad. So here is what my last year has had me up to. A new comic series Demon Blade A new novel 11 Kingdoms A new Novelette series Gloria's Gospel and returning yet altering Path of the Butterflies from just a pdf guide to a intended monthly topic discussion blog. Path of the Butterflies: A guide for Transgender individuals, friends and family Please drop on by the blog share ether publicly or if you want to share your opinions privately or just chew me out you can email me from the blog. I promise next post will be sooner and less self promotional based.
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