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When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too
MonicaPz posted a blog entry in MonicaPz's Blog
When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too Written By Corinne Goodwin in "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine" I began my so-called "path to transition" at the age of 55. That is when I finally said the words "I am transgender and I have to live authentically" out loud. Of course, I knew that I was trans decades earlier. I was not able to put a name to it, but I knew there was something different about me even before I started kindergarten. I was a real hard charger who worked 60 - plus hours a week and reveled in the privilege that mature white men possess. Of course, much of what people saw was an act. Finally, after all those years, the pressure had built - up to the point where it needed release or I would sink into an unrecoverable depression. Thank goodness I said those words. As most LGBTQ people know, there is an amazing amount of angst that is associated with being in the closet. There is also an intense feeling of being free when you step out into the sunlight. That, of course, it where Newton's third law of physics kicks in. You are finally stepping out into the light but for many of the people in your life, they begin to experience their own worlds of anxiety. In effect, you are transferring many of the burdens you have been carrying to them. THE TERROR ASSOCIATED WITH NEWTON When a trans person comes out to a family member the first thing they worry about is rejection. In my case I was married for over 30 years and I could not imagine not having my wife by my side going forward. I also had a son who is the light of my life and I had a small but close group of friends and work associates who I depended on. "What," I asked myself, "would happen if they reject me?" Would I be alone? Would I be disowned? Would I lose my livelihood? HERE COMES NEWTON Like I said thought, Newton's third law does apply. I came out gradually to my friends and relatives. In person when I felt I could and in letters, emails and phone calls when appropriate. Each time I did so, virtually everyone made the right noises and had the desired reactions. But, as I have been transitioning, some of the people who matter the most to me have struggled. My spouse, who has a large network of friends from our old neighborhood, through her church and her job stopped inviting friends over to the house because she did not want them, me or her to feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, I was so wrapped - up in my world, I did not notice until she brought it up two years after the fact. My son was engaged to be married. In my mind, it was important to let him and his fiance know about me and my pending transition prior to the wedding - after all, it was only fair that she know what she was getting into. Unfortunately, despite an initially positive reception, soon thereafter, the engagement was off. To be sure there were other issues involved, but there is no doubt that my transition added to their tensions. Now I ask myself, what will be the impact on his future relationships? In my business circles, I began the coming out process as well. I have largely done so by having individual conversations but coming in this slow - roll fashion has its costs. One of them is that I asked my associates to hold my "secret" while I worked thought my lists. That is definitely unfair. Plus, clients and business contacts have not known which name, e-mail or phone number to use. Even more critically, it forces them to pause and think carefully about how they address me in meetings or group e-mails. This is confusing, a real time waster and an unfair burden. My friends have had to pay a price, too. I am excited about finally getting to live my life in a more genuine fashion. That excitement can lead to fixation where all I want to talk about is transition and everything related to it. Luckily, a friend recently said to me, "You know, it does not have to be 'all trans, all the time.' How about we change the topic?" After a bit of shock and self - examination, I came to realize that I may not have been paying their friendship back very well. THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN Partners and spouses definitely have the hardest road. While a transitioning person's path is not an easy one, for them there are clear mileposts along the way to achieving an ultimate goal. That is not necessarily the case for a partner. Think about it . . . beyond navigating the issues of potentially coming to terms with a new version of the sexuality and the possibility of being ostracized by friends and relatives, there are dozens of new rules (mostly unspoken) that have to be renegotiated. These range from who buys the flowers on Valentine's Day to how you introduce your partner at a cocktail party or casual meeting to how you sign greeting cards during the Holidays. In other words, prior to the transition there was a relatively easy to understand script to follow. Now the script has been torn - up and there are few resources available to help a spouse or partner to find a new one. It is no wonder surveys show that fewer than 50% of all relationships survive a transition. IS TRANSITION SELFISH? The quick answer is "yes" and most trans people I know have struggled with the guilt associated with that selfish act. But, in the long - run you can not take care of the people who matter to you most if you do not take care of yourself first. In my case, I had to come to the realization that while transition is something I am doing for me, it is not exclusively about me. This is a reality that most transitioning people come to terms with sooner or later. Our family members may grieve just as we feel we are being born and our friends and coworkers will have to make significant adjustments in their thinking and relationships with us. But, in the end, if everyone truly cares about each other and are willing to negotiate and make the adjustments necessary, transition can be successful for all parties. -
Hi all Another journal entry I would like to share. William had taken over the last few days and we went downhill. I could not break through until early this morning. Finally I rested back control. I had to reaffirm my femininity. I am a female, I embrace being female, I love all things feminine. I kept repeating this mantra for a few minutes after I woke up, before I got out of bed. My mood lifted immediately. These are critical emotions for me to understand. If William takes to much control and suppresses me we go into a funk and if I let that funk continue it will quickly turn into full blown depression, that blackness comes and with it the dark thoughts, we cease to live and simply exist It is only when I take control that we come alive again. It is only I as Elsa do we become whole, depression lifts and my thoughts are bright and well lit. It is only as by me being female that I live and not simply exist. I take great heart that when I take over and William fades we become a more complete person and I know that being female is the right path. Hugs Elsa
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Hi All I have shared this on a coupe of other transgender sites and I thought it would be good to share it here as a way of starting my blogAs I began my transitioning journey a few months ago I started keeping a Journal. I realised today that the journal was from my male perspective so I have now started a new Journal where Elsa shares her thoughts and feelings. It is amazing how liberating this has been and how significant this has been in Elsa’s growth. Below is one of her first entries on how I am reconciling 60years as William with my new identity as a Elsa. If you are able to read all of it I hope you find it enjoyable and informative.Hugs and Kisses, ElsaHi my name is Elsa,I am a transgender female. I have a condition known as gender dysphoria. This is when a persons gender identity (how we see and feel about our identity does not match our physical appearance.)In my case I have lived in a male body for nearly 60 years. I have tried many times to reveal myself but have never been able to present myself strongly enough to truly make myself heard until now.My male companion has always dominated and held me back. I have had to resort to some extreme behaviours just to make myself known. Finely about 2 months ago (Feb 18) I was able find the strength to break through. I am now permanently out in the world (well at least to those people most important to me)In some ways this has been like a birth and I am still very young with a long way ahead of me.Fortunately for me my male companion has accepted that his time in the sun is coming to an end and is happy to give me the freedom to live as I need to.He is more than happy to now step back but is there when I need him. William (male) has guided us to this point in our lives and has been successful in society. It is only through his hard work, intelligence, empathy and caring that we have been able to live and grow as a human being.William now accepts that I (Elsa) has played on important role in our life although he was unaware of it. I have provided the imagination and creativity when he needed it, to often think outside the box and to come up with creative solutions to difficult problems. I (Elsa) was able to overcome his social anxiety just enough to allow him to function in a social demanding world.William will now begin to fade but his practicality, logic, pragmatism and experience will guide me as I grow (very quickly) into a fully mature andconfident female for the world to see.I am excited and ready to start running and show the world who I am, but this is where William is providing a guiding hand and reminding me I have only just learnt how to walk and that this journey will be for the rest of my life, so slow down, enjoy, and have fun, I still have a lot to learn.When I do reveal myself to the world I do want it to be my best version of me (Elsa)At the moment I am still a little wobbly (a bit like wearing high heals for thefirst time) and still need to grow. As each day goes buy I grow stronger and more confident.As I engage more and more with the transgender community I find them to be a very caring and loving group, I have already met some really genuine people online and in person who have been very supportive and encouraging.There will be many obstacles to overcome as I move forward but I am now on this journey to full womanhood and I intend to enjoy every minute of itHow often does any human truly get to be reborn and reinvent themselves )Elsa
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As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up." He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed). Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man." I channeled it more "productively" on twitter with the following: Transgender 101: "Transitioning" isn't going from woman to man or man to woman, it's going from fake to authentic. #GirlsLikeUs If anyone is on twitter i'm ChristieCNY It was nice taking a negative and going positive in response. I'm so much better as a woman than I ever could have been as a man
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