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About this blog

MTF currently transitioning to living full-time. Started HRT on 4/18/2015.

Entries in this blog

11/27/2014

I was up late the night before talking to my sister more about what I've been going through these past two and a half months. She just listened, didn't ask many questions. Looking back I wonder if I kind of lost her in the conversation. But I let her know what I'm feeling inside, some of the things that I talked to the therapist about. And let her know that if I don't get on top of this, I will probably need to transition. I think she understands but did not know what to think. I'm sure that hearing this from her older brother is strange.

We talked about one of the reasons why I have not transitioned, that it is tough to be a woman. They (we) are judged so much by how we look, weight and appropriateness of attire. Women are actually more verbally critical than men, though men do judge more quietly. Anyways, it is constantly feeling like one is or needs to be on display just to go to work, shop, etc. I plan over the next several months or so, trying to get out more, so that I can engage more socially will other non-tg's, get used to getting dressed and wearing appropriate clothes, etc. Just so I know how to handle myself with grace. I am going to need to learn how to do this regardless of what happens.

11/28/2014

We spent most of the day driving back from my mom's. It gave me a lot of time to think. I am thankful for so much, that I sometimes worry about any future decisions to transition. Mentally, I have to stop doing this so that I can give myself an honest assessment of where I am at and what I should do without imposing barriers. Remove the barriers and focus more on what I should do or need to do. At my support group, there was someone there that said, "sometimes you just need to be a bulldozer". I think that recognizes the fact that I will never come to terms with all of these mental barriers I impose on myself and I just need to plow ahead. Plow ahead to what is more my question right now.

--Lisa

11/24/2014

So, we left to go to my mom's in Perrysburg OH. I was thinking about bringing some of my girl clothes with me but did not. As we left, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Never felt this way before and don't know why. It's almost like I felt like I did not have that outlet if I needed it. However it felt much more than that.

Anyways, the trip went well. Though most of the time I thought about what I was going to tell my mom regarding my current situation. She knows about me dressing and wanting to be a girl. However, I believe that she thinks it is no longer an issue.

I definitely felt like a girl today.

11/25/2014

I'm at my mom's with my family. I worked in the morning, ran 7.5 miles and then went to the Toledo Zoo for the lights. It was really wonderful. I loved it. We were there for 4 hours. I used to go to the Toledo Zoo when I was young several times a year. So it brought back memories.

They had a Santa that was there and the kids had their pictures taken with him. I wished that my dad was there. He would have loved it.

11/26/2014

My son had pink eye this morning so I had to take him to urgent care.

I took him home while I got his prescription and went to Target while I waited. If anyone doesn't know already ... Target has awesome girl clothes (If you don't know this, then you can leave the cave now and enjoy). Anyways, I was looking for good workout clothes and cold weather gear for running. Anyways, Target used to have great runnning stuff for guys. Now, they have nothing for guys, only stuff for girls. So, I've been driven to crossdress (damn you, Target, damn you. ;-)). Anyways, I looked at their cold weather women stuff and liked but did not buy because I wanted to try it on, but did not have the time because I had to get back. May go back on Saturday and buy, because I need at least a couple pairs of warm fitted compression pants.

--Lisa

11/22/2014

Today I was 100% feeling female and thinking about it. It was distracting but since I didn't need to work or doing anything it was okay.

I talked to my wife about my appointment with the therapist and going to the support group and mentioned that she recommended that I go out dressed as much as I need to meet others like me and get the support that I need. I told her that if I cannot get on top of this soon, I will need to transition. This was upsetting, and I knew that it would be however I just wanted her to know how despirate of a situation this was for me.

I told her that I was still digesting the support group meeting. A lot was said and it was a bit much for me, attending for the first time. I am really thankful to have gone.

11/23/2014

This morning I was definitely feeling bad about my feelings of being female that I desired to be male. This used to happen to me a lot when I was younger, not so much now so it is surprising when it happens. It is this kind of self-loathing that I need to recognize for what it is. I need to acknowledge it but also not let it define me. I think that I did a good job. Later that day, I was better.

I hate not being to wear whatever I want to. But understand why.

--Lisa

11/20/2014

I had a better day than the rest of the week. I definitely felt more connected to being male.

So, what I noticed when I was younger, was that stress would trigger feelings of wanting to dress or be female. But lately, it is the opposite. When I feel stress, I want to retreat to my male role. In my mind, being female increases the stress level. And I think that it is because I am seriously considering a transition.

Anyways, I did have some big stressors that triggered this reaction. But the next day, I came through with flying colors.

I did get in touch with the therapist. She had an opening on Friday and I took it. I also RSVP'd to the MAGIC meeting in Falls Church, VA on Friday (11/21)

F 2.5

M 1.5

11/21/2014

I had my first therapy session with some recommendations. One is that I need to get out more dressed to express myself. This could be support groups with other TGs or other social settings. Or it can be non-tg settings, in order to help me understand or acclimate in my potentially new role.

I was happy with my therapist given it was a first session.

Then I went to a transgender support meeting. That was interesting. Several people attended. I did not talk, only listened. There was a lot to digest. I will be thinking about that meeting probably until the next meeting.

I went with a feminine look. I definitely stood out. I knew that I would, but was happy. I am extremely introverted, but have been coming out of my shell lately. I wanted to feel feminine and sexy. I'm sure I overdid it. But that is okay!

F 3.5

M 1.5

--Lisa

Today went much better. I had my moments but I was able to finally focus on work somewhat. I feel like I am putting on such an act all around it's crazy. But at least I wasn't going crazy or out of my mind.

Anyways, I was contacted again by the therapist who closed her practice. She referred me to two people. I called one to set up an appointment after doing some research. I'll do more tonight.

Last night I talked with my wife more. I told her more about myself. And dressing when I was much younger. She was surprised by this. But not in a bad way. I think that she was glad that I told her.

Tomorrow is the Transgender Day of Rememberance (or Awareness). There is an outing in Oakton, VA. I wil probably not go because of schedule conflicts. But it is a day to remember all of those who came before us and to remember that we are all representatives of the TG community. We need to represent that community well. Because so many have sacrificed a lot in order to make the gains that we have seen recently.

I am going to be out-of-town next week for Thanksgiving week, visiting my mom in Perrysburg OH with my family. She knows about me dressing from a very young age. However thinks that I gave it up. My sister knows though. I am going to sit down with my mom and tell her what is going on and happening with me. I just want her to know and want to find out if I have her support.

So I want to gradually tell people. But not go crazy about it. Maybe one person every month or two. Just so I won't have a million bombs blowing up in my face at one time.

Score:

Female 2.5

Male 0.5

--Lisa

11/17/2014

So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me.

I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter the first time I would ever go to work as a woman. However, it is to the point that I just can't take it anymore. My skin was crawling.

I called a therapist that another girl had used when she transitioned, but they did not get back to me.

Score:

Female 1

Male 0

11/18/2014

Today went much better. I was not so obsessed about it being a guy as I was on Monday. However, the feelings definitely persisted. I am a fighter. I am sure that I will continue to fight this (mind over matter). However, today I had no fight left after yesterday.

However, I had a more productive day at work. And that is really another reason why transition is something that has to be on-the-table for me. Because these last two months it has been so bad, I have been in a daze. And even when, I don't have gender-identity issues, guess what? I still have a part of my day where I think about dressing and presenting as female. If I transitioned to female, I might have a ton of regrets. But I know I wouldn't dream about dressing or being a guy. That for me, has been wasted effort and bandwidth all of these years. Not having to think about being a different gender (though I am still me after all!), would not be a weight off of my shoulders but at least I wouldn't think about it all of the time.

However, I have been dressing for years. Can do makeup and get read pretty quick. But it still is a pain in the ass. The expectations for women and how they dress are so high. I can't stand it. Anyways, that's the tradeoff.

The therapist that I called on Monday did get back to me. Turns out she had just closed her practice but referred me to two other therapists. I was hoping to maybe get in this week, because I will be out next week visiting my mom. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. But it has been how many years. I am super patient!

Score:

Female 2

Male 0

--Lisa

Introduction

Hello my name is Lisa. I am a transgendered mtf. I've wanted to be female since I was 4 years old which was long time ago. I literally started dressing at 4 years old in preschool. They had womens dress up clothes. Their were no issues when I was the only one that wanted to dress up. But when I convinced all of the boys in the class to do it, those girly clothes just vanished.

Later in first grade I wanted to be in Brownies but was soundly rejected in front of class, which was embarrassing. That's when I started to realize that there may be an issue with dressing, being one of the girls or female. I continued to dress at home. So the strange thing is for awhile there was always a dress and tights in my closet to wear. Had to be my mom. Anyways, I continued to dress in her stuff until I was in 8th grade and that is when I started to get my own stuff. Freshman year in high school, I continued to build my stash of clothing and go out in public on Saturdays or Sundays. Often I would leave the house and not come back for hours, go to Kmart or the mall. Until I was caught at the end of my freshman year during summer break. I had to give it all up and go to therapy. It was a trust thing. My parents had no idea I was going to the mall which was 16 miles from our house. Anyways, I stopped dressing until my senior year, I started again. But it was off and on until my junior year, when I started dating a girl. It did not work out. And after my third purge I was dressing again after college until I met my future wife. Meanwhile, my strong feelings of being in the wrong body subsided and I liked being me. I was very career oriented and driven. However, after about three years and being married for about a year, I started to dress again. I attributed it to job stress, but I started in a big way. That was around 2001. And it continued for all my business trips. I switched jobs in 2002 and it continued through two kids. A business that lasted for about 8.5 years.

But then the business failed. I had to start a new less glamourous job in a bad economy after taking it in the shorts financially. The job was terrible. I was unhappy. I found out my dad was dying. That my mom maybe as well. Feelings started to return. I started not only questioning myself and my decisions but also my gender. I finally told my wife the truth that I had been living with being transgendered for a while, that it had subsided but that the feelings have come back. She understood but was very upset. We talked about it off and on for a couple months. At the time, I was ok. It wasn't a crisis and I was extremely thankful for everything that I had, even the job I did not like.

My wife told me that if I was going to transition, that I needed to tell her because she did not want me to do it when I was 50 or 60 and put her life on hold in the process. I promised her that I would. So fast forward a year and a half. I'm doing well at the job, they are really happy. I make a two major milestones. My dad passes away. My mom appears to be ok. But I am no longer career oriented. And so for the last two months I started to have a crisis about my gender and gender identity. And for a while, I could not understand, why now? I last Friday 11/14/2014, I think that I figured it out. I am no longer career oriented on the treadmill to the top. My dad passed away. I don't have any major milestones in my life at the moment, which has given me time to step back subconsciously and start to question what I questioned when I was four. Why am I male? Why did God make me this way?

So, once I had that epiphany, I sat down and talked with my wife again. She was upset but supportive. She thinks that I am lying to myself and that I need to transition now. I still love her and am attracted to her, but she has left no doubt that she will not stay with me if I do.

Purpose of this Blog

So, what I suggested to my wife is that I seek a therapist who specializes in transgender issues and transition. My first goal is to see if this is temporary and if there are techniques to cope with this. I will give it a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 6 months if there is anything that the therapist suggests that is worth trying. Including just going to therapy and working through all of the issues.

The purpose of this blog is for me to document this and share. But also, it will force me to sit down each day and document how the day went, etc. And really it is to keep score of how I feel each day. What I hope to gain from this is not just support but a sense of self-awareness that I have been lacking all of these years because I have been so driven to be successful (whatever that is or means).

Also, during this period I am going to consistently seek outlets for being "me". So that, even though I am part-time, I can experience things that I would if I transitioned, etc. That part doesn't worry me too much and I think that it will help. At the end of the 6 months (if it lasts that long) I will have a record of how I feel, my progress that I can look back on. It will help me make a decision on where I need to go and need to be. I'm about 50/50 at this point (which is saying a lot) I only though about transition very infrequently in the past. Anyways, thank you for this venue and blog. I hope that there are others that get something out of this, like me.

--Lisa