Hello my name is Lisa. I am a transgendered mtf. I've wanted to be female since I was 4 years old which was long time ago. I literally started dressing at 4 years old in preschool. They had womens dress up clothes. Their were no issues when I was the only one that wanted to dress up. But when I convinced all of the boys in the class to do it, those girly clothes just vanished.
Later in first grade I wanted to be in Brownies but was soundly rejected in front of class, which was embarrassing. That's when I started to realize that there may be an issue with dressing, being one of the girls or female. I continued to dress at home. So the strange thing is for awhile there was always a dress and tights in my closet to wear. Had to be my mom. Anyways, I continued to dress in her stuff until I was in 8th grade and that is when I started to get my own stuff. Freshman year in high school, I continued to build my stash of clothing and go out in public on Saturdays or Sundays. Often I would leave the house and not come back for hours, go to Kmart or the mall. Until I was caught at the end of my freshman year during summer break. I had to give it all up and go to therapy. It was a trust thing. My parents had no idea I was going to the mall which was 16 miles from our house. Anyways, I stopped dressing until my senior year, I started again. But it was off and on until my junior year, when I started dating a girl. It did not work out. And after my third purge I was dressing again after college until I met my future wife. Meanwhile, my strong feelings of being in the wrong body subsided and I liked being me. I was very career oriented and driven. However, after about three years and being married for about a year, I started to dress again. I attributed it to job stress, but I started in a big way. That was around 2001. And it continued for all my business trips. I switched jobs in 2002 and it continued through two kids. A business that lasted for about 8.5 years.
But then the business failed. I had to start a new less glamourous job in a bad economy after taking it in the shorts financially. The job was terrible. I was unhappy. I found out my dad was dying. That my mom maybe as well. Feelings started to return. I started not only questioning myself and my decisions but also my gender. I finally told my wife the truth that I had been living with being transgendered for a while, that it had subsided but that the feelings have come back. She understood but was very upset. We talked about it off and on for a couple months. At the time, I was ok. It wasn't a crisis and I was extremely thankful for everything that I had, even the job I did not like.
My wife told me that if I was going to transition, that I needed to tell her because she did not want me to do it when I was 50 or 60 and put her life on hold in the process. I promised her that I would. So fast forward a year and a half. I'm doing well at the job, they are really happy. I make a two major milestones. My dad passes away. My mom appears to be ok. But I am no longer career oriented. And so for the last two months I started to have a crisis about my gender and gender identity. And for a while, I could not understand, why now? I last Friday 11/14/2014, I think that I figured it out. I am no longer career oriented on the treadmill to the top. My dad passed away. I don't have any major milestones in my life at the moment, which has given me time to step back subconsciously and start to question what I questioned when I was four. Why am I male? Why did God make me this way?
So, once I had that epiphany, I sat down and talked with my wife again. She was upset but supportive. She thinks that I am lying to myself and that I need to transition now. I still love her and am attracted to her, but she has left no doubt that she will not stay with me if I do.
Purpose of this Blog
So, what I suggested to my wife is that I seek a therapist who specializes in transgender issues and transition. My first goal is to see if this is temporary and if there are techniques to cope with this. I will give it a minimum of 3 months and a maximum of 6 months if there is anything that the therapist suggests that is worth trying. Including just going to therapy and working through all of the issues.
The purpose of this blog is for me to document this and share. But also, it will force me to sit down each day and document how the day went, etc. And really it is to keep score of how I feel each day. What I hope to gain from this is not just support but a sense of self-awareness that I have been lacking all of these years because I have been so driven to be successful (whatever that is or means).
Also, during this period I am going to consistently seek outlets for being "me". So that, even though I am part-time, I can experience things that I would if I transitioned, etc. That part doesn't worry me too much and I think that it will help. At the end of the 6 months (if it lasts that long) I will have a record of how I feel, my progress that I can look back on. It will help me make a decision on where I need to go and need to be. I'm about 50/50 at this point (which is saying a lot) I only though about transition very infrequently in the past. Anyways, thank you for this venue and blog. I hope that there are others that get something out of this, like me.