Good morning everyone! I spent some time this past weekend thinking about my "next steps." I've exhausted (I think) most of the subtle steps that I can take, I get the feeling that whatever I do next in terms of transition will be quite noticeable, which prompted me to wonder how ready I am for that. Wondering how ready I am made me then wonder whether it was fear holding me back a little (answer = yes). It helped a little (a lot) that I sat down at one point and wrote out a list of what I see
Today I took a somewhat surprisingly big step, at least it was big in the fact that I hadn't anticipated how nervous it would make me. I've been dressing entirely female for the past few weeks, with only a couple of necessary exceptions (which won't happen again), but my shoes have been relatively obscure. I'm wearing women's shoes, but typically either sneakers or boots, shoes that don't necessarily read as female. Today I'm wearing a pair of black flats, these very definitely read as female.
Good morning everyone! It's so nice starting my week on a Wednesday!! I kind of knew going in that this journey was going to be scary, but it's different when you face the reality. I overcome a fear and take a step, and then discover that the next step is even scarier. I trust that at SOME point that trend reverses. This morning I added a couple of more elements to my day-to-day make-up regimen. I was already doing mascara, nail polish, and a clear lip gloss. Today I added eye liner, blush
Hi everyone, Well, i'm now "out" to everyone. An email went out to the entire faculty and staff at the school where I work about my transition. Enough people already knew, so I was getting used to being called Christie, in emails and face to face (though introducing myself as such still feels a little weird). My recent outward transitioning was driven by internal feelings, but now I think it's time to look inward again. The outward things were necessary, but it drew me away from looking insid
Happy Saturday everyone! I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose). The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts. I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing cler
Hi everyone, I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do But I am still trying to keep up with reading entries! It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones. With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment. I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family member
Hi all, On Saturday I had lunch with a friend from school - and then we hung out for a few hours. I know him well, we were at the same field placement during our first year and we share a love of Taco Bell :-) A discussion we had along the way on Saturday was about being "out" in class. With me it's about my transgender identity, with him it's about being a military veteran. On the surface for both of us is a desire to not be "the ___ student" (me "the trans student"). For him that might reall
This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues. I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience. The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating. I don't like the idea of tryin
Hi all, I've been a very bad TGGuide citizen, the new job has kept me much busier than the former! I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday - my testosterone level is down to 318 now (from mid-400s last time) - so it's getting there! He increased my estrogen prescription to 3mg/day, and said to go up to 4mg in a couple of months, then I'll see him again shortly after that :-) On the less medical side, I had 2 medical professionals (my endocrinologist and therapist) both say to me
I got some relatively good news from my insurance company today (I don't think I've ever written or said that before!). They definitely cover GRS - after I pay a $1500 deductible (which is fine, they cover 100% after that). Initially I thought they didn't cover breast augmentation as it is listed on the "exclusions" list - but then after the agent said that it should be I found a later reference in the document saying that if, after 12 months of hormones, you don't feel they have grown sufficien
Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for. It might be a bit meandering. I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?" The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first cho
Hi everyone, So last weekend was the memorial service for my uncle who passed away in January - everyone was so spread out they delayed it to find a convenient time for as many people as possible. His passing was of course sad, but he was older and hadn't been in good health (mentally or physically) for quite some time. The point of this entry is the fact that this is the first time I've seen many family members since I transitioned. About 10-12 people knew (the most direct of my relatives - my
Hi all, My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline! March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from
Hi everyone, Happy Thursday! Happy for me because starting tomorrow I'm on vacation for a week. I'm sure I'll be checking in here during that time, but probably not doing any blogging. In an earlier post I mentioned how I was aiming for July 27 as the day that I would officially start presenting as a woman. My last post altered that course a bit, so I'm going to see now what exactly I'm doing. I'm certainly going to keep playing with make-up and other things, but the difference between today
Hi all,
After a very affirmative weekend I'm feeling a little "overcast." It's certainly fueled in part by other things going on in my life (i'm sure I mentioned in another entry that I have a job that I often hate), but it's drifting over here.
I know there are some people on here who are around my age (i'm 48, 49 in july), so i'm hoping somebody might have some words of encouragement if they'very felt this way.
I'very been thinking back about my childhood a lot recently, thinking abo
Good morning everyone!
My desire to go tech-free this weekend didn't work out so well, but I reduced my usage substantially, which was nice. I just wanted to get an entry out to start my week with some random things from this past weekend.
Saturday night I "pushed myself" a little. I was going to see a drag show (Jackie Beat, my all time favorite drag queen!) and decided it was the perfect opportunity to gender-bend in terms of my presentation. I wore a grey woman's t-shirt from Kohl's (
Good morning everyone!
I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3).
As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her,
Good morning everyone, On Friday I mentioned that I had a goal over the weekend to go out "presenting as a woman" (as opposed to just appearing far more feminine than I used to). I wasn't 100% certain what that meant when I said it, but on Sunday I did follow through. I was fortunate that the drag queen who I always go see on Tuesday was doing a special Sunday Brunch show at noon, so I used that as my location. Much of what I did was pretty typical for what I do already. I wore my gray "Blo
I went to see an endocrinologist on Friday after work. A somewhat long journey out to Queens, but worth the trip. After seeing 2 different assistants (one who was getting some additional background information, the other did some basic checking - blood pressure, heart rate, etc.), I finally saw the doctor. I hadn't fully decided on whether or not I was going to pursue HRT when I went to see him, I wanted to see how I reacted to having an actual doctor give me information, as opposed to just doi
I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter. The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points. Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly. I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement. http://goo
I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment! This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s). In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it. My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that. She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a pro
Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME! I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph. The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription. It didn't, he gave that to me anyway. So delay aver
I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today). Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will). Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out. My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to Wor
It's been almost a year since I first openly acknowledged to myself, and then my therapist, that I am transgender (it was sometime in February). That got me to thinking last night about gender dysphoria. Early on I had read many accounts of people's experiences with GD, and I was having a hard time relating - most included comments about "knowing from early childhood that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body," etc., and I didn't really have those memories (I also recognized that at 48 years old
On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved. He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance. Unrelated - today in Jersey City
