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Doubt..

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While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.

Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.

Am I really a girl deep inside?

Am I just having a gender identifying crises?

Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?

Or am I just going crazy?

Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..

And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?

Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:

1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.

2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.

3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)

4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.

5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".

Reason I am a girl:

1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.

2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.

3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)

4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing

6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.

7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.

8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.

9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.

AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.

I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..

It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.

It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..

But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..

I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.

But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.

And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..

But Yet they keep coming up..

I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?

I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.

I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.

I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?

 

Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.

Have a great day :)


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6 Comments

Posted

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female.

The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses.

Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward. 

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Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too.

Love

Charl

-o0o- 

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Posted

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone.

These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. 

It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too.

emma

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For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been.

If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

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At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react.

There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

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Posted

Well.........shame there's not a 'love this' option after Crissiesan's entry, and the very sage comments too.

I look at it like this, when you're in the mist it's not easy to see the way ahead, so this creates a state of confusion and doubt etc., Crissiesan when you get out of the mist, all the doubts will dissapear. How do you go about getting out of the mist? Well you could wait for the weather to clear, i.e. wait for social change, or you can try to move out of the mist in different directions until you find your path ahead, I guess some would call it pushing your personal envelope.

Hugs,

Eve

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