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How must I feel

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I suppose that I must feel something but today I am numb I dont feel anything empty inside , I dont know why but as of late I have been empty no tears fall when I cry no thoughts of others just a vast casm to be crossed .... I know that this isn't the first time nor will it be the last time I feel this way but I am courious why it happens is it our mind and bodies way of protecting us or is it like a rain barrel slowely filling and evaporating then filling again to be overflown yet again , is this normal or is it something different is it something that everyone goes through or just those that have gender issues , I would like to think that everyone goes through this and that it was not something that we have to suffer from on top of every other issue we have .. maybe it comes from our issue maybe its part of transition I am courious and perplexed by it ....

Will these feelings of emptiness quit when fully through transition or do they still persist , does it mean I loose who I am or is it simply a apart of me ..... I look in the mirrow and there I see myself but then again I am gone again in an instant where do I go why must I leave ... So many questions in lfe so few answers .... The time I live without feelings and thoughts scares me will I loose my caringness and empathy for myself and humanity .... No I wont I haven't yet and dont truelly believe I ever will at least I hope I dont if I do then I as a person am lost as well ....unable to feel is a scary time Usually when it is over I fall pre to deep anxiety and depression the weight once again crushing down on my chest and heart at times unbearable , but I over come their forces and manage to make it to tomorrow , Why do you suppose this happens is it the coping mechanism we all have within our selves or is it some thing else.....

Constant Highs and Lows takes a toll on us all but how we deal with them is individual , I try to ride them out anticipating the good times returning to me , the time they take seem to be farther and fewer between but I wait with angxt for I know they will come eventually , I work my mind so heavily I suppose it needs to restart from time to time ... its always on so I guess its a good thing that it has some down time to reboot .... My ponderances and daily workings take a toll on it so good for it take the time rest and come back refreshed and ready to start again... I accept this and have learned to expect it I just wonder does it make me better or worse ?

Away to sleep.....

Quiet and weak ....

I take a break ...

I leave my cares behind ....

I rest within ....

Caring no more ...

Caring no less ...

I loose myself ...

I find a place ...

A place to rest ...

Come again I will ...

Return with you I shall ...

But for now ....

I rest ....

S.P.


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Posted

stephani,

You have a beautiful way of expressing what you are feeling inside. The only way I have blocked out the feelings you are talking about is getting lost in something that I love to do, or getting lost in work. The anxiety you talk about is with me every moment of the day.

Something that has helped me feel extra special inside especially lately is my personal relationship with God. This is not about religion but more about getting in touch with your soul and something deeper and more profound then life itself. It is believing that you were created and not accidental. I see that my creator loves me and that God understands more about me than myself. I turn all my pain and suffering and give it up to God. Even if you do not believe or are having one of those moments of doubt in your life, its the freedom of turning it all over to someone else. The feeling that you are no longer in control. The heavy weight is too much. Believe that someone can hear you; Someone you can't see, but someone who cares for you more than you could ever fully understand. For me, when the tears come they always seem unexpected, and sometimes it happens when I am in a crowded room. Some of the things that help me reach that wonderful point of tears are beautiful music, a well written love story, a very good romance film, and open sincere prayer with God. I can never force this moment it usually just happens, but I try to make quiet time for these moments just in case. The real interesting thing for me is to resolve that whenever I feel these tears I should not let anyone or anything get in the way of my emotional expression. To me the only thing worse than not being able to cry is shutting the tears off when they finally do start to come. I think many people have these feelings, most never take the time to ponder it, they just go on with their busy lives and don't take time to think about it.

You have taken time to think and you have realized what I have. There must be more to life, right? Is it all just about being busy about a whole lot of trivial things, or is there more. Don't give up hope. Keep writing and keep in touch with this group. Even when things seem as bad as they are there is still hope. You have probably felt yourself turn around many times in your life, maybe its time to say. I am depressed today and that is ok. Try to do something you love to do and hope that tomorrow will be better. Finally, keep a phone list of your most important friends who lift you up occasionally, that never hurts.

Though I personally want nothing to do with precription drugs or alcohol, there may be more to your condition that therapy or medication might help. If a Doctor does have a remedy for you use your intellect to research and seek out a second or third opinion. My mind is the last thing I want anybody, doctor or not, to mess with. I wish you the best.

Amie

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Ok, I left you a real nice comment but it disappeared into space. So here is my short version. First Yes, I often have anxiety and lack of tears like you described. I think many other people do to, but they just keep so busy they don't allow themselves to really think in depth like you and I can. Sometimes I get the tears back when I least expect it and then I end up holding back because I'll be in a crowd or at an event and I get a little self-conscious. I love crying at movies because I figure no one is watching me. Think back to what has helped you cry in the past. Maybe it's music, or film or being around friends. You know as well as I do that those tears relieve a lot of stress. Just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone. I wish you the best, keep writing. You are very good at writing about how you feel and it is poetic as well as interesting.

Amie

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Thank you amie, I post a ponderance of questions at times they are simply to bennifit myself by openly asking the hard questions we all have to face and deal with on a daily basis , I know that I am not alone in all of this , there are times that we all feel this way and yet we are surrounded by friends and family that love and care for us, and even with them by our side we are still alone .... meaning in life and death we come in and go out souly by ourselves....

always alone within, no matter the time nore the place we stand alone in our daily struggles.... I thank you for the lovely post about your personal spiritual compas , mine however is slightly off true north , I understand that humanity needs a guide to maintain some sort of order but order in life is humanities downfall nothing in life has true order nothing in the Heavens has true order as well the battle between good and evil is constant the easies way to test this is in the forces of a magnet it has both positive and negative sides of the same piece of earth element , try and force the two together and they fight to be appart turn them to each other and they live in harmoney, we to are the same mostly carbon the universe and the heavens alike.... I understand God hears us but what of his pliet to hear but yet unable to speak.... hands that are strong yet to weak to touch .... my thoughts on religion are known and understood I take solice in knowing that nothing I have done nore will do will bring down any brimstone or wrath from the almighty and I also know that we are one with everything and everything one with us.... That in which we all search is within us and when we return to the energy of the heavens we are turned to perfect harmony as in the begining....

The true Therapy for me is doing this I have gone to a therapist and discused thoughts views and inner tourmoils yet the best they could come up with is I simply think to much..... That is who and what I am a thinker a deap ponderer, to be anything less would be dishonest to myself... My writings are simple they give meaning to me and bring out the pains inside , the tears flow at the most unoportune moments yet I hold them in and the pain wells up inside , I love to cry it is very theraputic the tears know the pain and wash it away and yet I moarn the fact they have to carry the burden they never ask for my sorrow they fall with pride in doing so ... yet at times the tears can no longer fall they have given all they had they have to hide as we have inside.... I hope you understand this just another one of my many courious writings I suppose, My point in all this is I feel to much at times and at others I dont feel at all , this scares me because I know that without feeling I am no more then the next uncarring unfeeling dult wondering through life without purpose nore meaning .... I never want to feel empty it is part of who I am full of everything good in humanity, I feel , I empathize , I understand , I care....I am I .....

Thanks again for letting me release, I hope you didn't think I was being fasceasous or confrontational, these are the farthest from the truth.... I thank you for the opportunity to grow from the insites of another I charrish these moments.... As Always my thoughts for you and Huggs as well Steph

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