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Introspection

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I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. :)

AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one. 

I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me.

I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to transition; trying to convince everyone that I am what I say I am, that I haven't given myself time to experience it. 

To feel it.

I am changing - and I have refused to acknowledge or even recognise those changes. I've been so wrapped up in trying to get from A to B that I haven't stopped to admire the scenery or enjoy the ride.

So I am slowing down. I'm not going to get anxious about the T not affecting my body as rapidly as I'd hoped. Because, it IS affecting my body. And it's affecting my mind. My personality and my disposition.

Last month, my prescription was late. The delivery of the hormone was late. I went five days without it. At first, I was annoyed and anxious. By the time it arrived, I had realised that I was actually calmer and less aggressive than I'd been for a few months.

That was a surprise at the time. I hadn't noticed how much it had bumped up my aggressive tendencies until it was gone. I explained to the therapist that I had noticed this about myself. Guess what she said?

"That's why the RLE is so important. It's not just about proving you mean what you say to the medical professionals. It's about giving yourself time to experience and understand the changes you're making. To your personality as well as to your body. You're becoming a different person even if you've always thought of yourself as that person."

That was a bit of a light bulb moment for me. Sounds silly, but I really hadn't thought in those terms before.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit that.

I had always thought that I knew who and what I was. I thought the RLE was a step I had to take to prove who I was to others. 

Now I know it's more important to me to view it as a step to take to learn and accept who I'm becoming.


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Posted

This was what caused me to transition MTF. I have low T  my entire life and it seemed like a no brainer to take the T and masculinize. My Real life experience with T solidified several things for me. You should go slow. I have faith in your decision.

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Dear Jay,

I hope you don't feel embarrassed but I understand where you're coming from.  Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.  Just the opposite, in fact, that now because you were brave enough to accept and live with your T being late, that you may have learned something important for you.  

My sense also is that the RLE is important. Incredibly hard, too, like living in purgatory while also needing to keep a stiff upper lip to society. But maybe it does help encourage patience - which is not a bad thing.  And a deeper level of understanding and acceptance, which is a glorious thing.  

Anyway it's great to hear from you, and I hope you'll keep posting and letting us know how you're doing.

Emma

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I'm so glad your getting the full benefit!  And your initial thought,t hat counseling is something to prove to others, isn't unusual.  Sadly our world stigmatizes counseling and belittles its' value.  I was 17 when my father decided I was crazy and forced me into a therapist, and I was really resistant to it, since my mother had done the same when I was 11.  When I was 11, that therapist wasn't very good, she reported EVERYTHING to my parents, and it backlashed on me bad.  So between what I had absorbed of culture and prior experience, poor Dr. H.  But then that moment came, when I realized it was about me and learning to cope with my family. that Dr. H's intent was to help me be healthier and find what healthier meant for me, and that I wasn't the one who didn't understand the reality I was living in, that moment was tranformative.  It was super emotional for me to read your post about that moment, most people won't share about moments like that in therapy for fear of the stigma, and it's lovely to see someone else doing so.  Thank you!

 

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