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In retrospect

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Good evening all

 

Yes a retrospective look at what is what...

 

Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand.  It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out.

 

So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself.  I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man.  Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons.  And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be.

 

After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter.  Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind...  And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got.  But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and  that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person.

 

What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat.  Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything.  From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse.  Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me.  And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am.

 

Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is.  We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were.  So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue.

 

I reached my happy spot.  And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact.  The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual.  And this individual is transgender.  Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase.  What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through.  If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me.  Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at.  A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself...  Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me.  Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be.  Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes.  The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed.

 

Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be.

 

XOXOXOXO

Michele


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3 Comments

Posted

Dear Michele,

Wonderful post, thank you.  Here's a quick excerpt that I agree with so much: "So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue."

I think it's all too easy for us to get morbid, to think of alternatives that ease the feelings. The feelings run so deep, don't they? We are a loose community of like-minded people, and we are here for each other. 

You are a good and valued person, Michele. I feel fortunate to at least know you here on TG Guide.

Sincerely,

Emma

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Posted

Michele, much of what you wrote is very similar to my situation. I have avoided this issue for long time and lived reckless at times. Fate seem to intervene and put me on new path after accident at work. Now that I can see who I am, it seem like I am coming back stronger. There was many times I wish for death because how I look. I was very confused with men in general. Because I know I am not like them and they don't want to understand. I think it cruel of fate to attract things to me I can't have. I think it cruel to have to disclose this information to male or female because it borders on triggering aggression. I want to just get this done so I don't have to have anymore talks and I can leave this transgender title behind because to me it seem like nasty title. Especially when I read all the nasty things people say and have said to me over the years. It has strong effect on me. Thanks for the update.

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Kitrah, you definitely aren't alone in the similarities we all have, but this title I won't renounce because the surgery is done, when it is done.  It just makes me the person I am and I also know it feels like I sometimes have it easier with newer people that I meet.  But I have gone so far as to put on a bio of myself which I will explain in my next post.  Because I have nothing to hide.

 

Emma, as always it is good reading your comments and inspiration that you shine through...

 

 

Love and Hugs

Michele

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