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Time Away

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I thought that I would go ahead and add a new entry To My Blog , Possibly Just to get some of this out .

Ok , Well for the Last Six Months I have been Attempting to Clean up the life that I had lead before I Transitioned , This is no small task , there are simply so many loose ends that one must over come after transition if you had done so during a Marriage .

I often think it might have been so much easier just to have left and hid away within the vast country that we live in , then again , I have also had thoughts of Just moving to another country all together , would this fix the problems of the past life , No .... They will still follow , we all have to release the ties and some of them are tied to our hearts with deep Entangled knots that take some time to work apart I Strain to keep up with the realities that face me on a daily basis and the Mess that prior life held , so often they over come each and become a tangled mess that must be sorted though before we can move forward to the next bit that we find still needs attending to .

I have tried to make the two compatable and in harmony with one another but you know what I have found , The Two shall never become compatable nor a coheasive organization of life expieriances , they simply cant coinside with one another just life I could no longer coinside with being that male that I was defined as at my birth , and the Woman that truelly resided within that body .

Its a saddening thought that no matter what the truth is that our old lives can not come along with us on our new lives , it must be released all those ties that bound us to that life need to be Broken or Cut , they will continue to entwine within the new and make for a life of even more troubles then we would have within the old or within the new , I have no way of knowing why I cant make them work but at every step the fight is stronger then I am , this has caused me to become within this Darkened Place that we or maybe just I have lived for so many years .

My nights consist of darkened Nightmares that cause me to have to take A Very Strong Anti- Anxiety Medication . I hate being tied to Medications , yet with out them I am affraid I would Go to the darkened place I am so affraid of , as some of you know Last year I had Two Major Nervious Breakdowns , that took some time to over come , Yet Here I am Back on the verge again , More so my Psychologist is yet again Worried about me , She isn't the only one , I worry and it leads to greater anxiety and depression , which is a visious cycle , So Difficult to come out of this one , Yet I still Fight , I still Struggle For My Life , I still Fight for My Sanity , it isn't better nor will it become just because Of Transition it has all just taken a new form , a form that hides the new and the old , a form that must be worked through so I can Step out into my life and not the life that the two have existed within , it is not easy But I find it an obtainable goal , I may be worn down and about to fall upon my knee's but I have been there before and I have been able to rise so once again I Fight for my life , I fight For Stephani .

No one from My Past will forget nor move forward , so My only options are to Move forward without them , each and every Heartbreaking event that I cross and cut though will be a victory not a loss , I will win this battle and No matter what I will Win My Life .

I cant say this action will work for others But I am understanding by every twist of the clocks hands that no one wishes to live within my life they wish for me to live within theirs , and this is my life not theirs so I have to move on even though it is Painful and heartbreaking my life has to move forward the staggnet bogg that was my life is slowly moving behind me I still find it trouble some to move forward but I still do make steps to a life that I create and not one that was writen for me .



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I'm glad you have the support of your therapist. Hopefully you have some local friends who are supportive as well, and of course we love you and support you here at TGGuide.

We all have different experiences of course, but I was able to make a sudden transition, literally overnight. I walked away from the old me (figuratively speaking) and emerged as the new me. It took awhile but I sort of merged my life history and worked things out the best I could. I made a conscious decision to just enjoy the process of transition and for the most part, I did. Sure, there were ups and downs and struggles along the way, but that helped me stay the course without losing my mind.

This might be a good topic for a post in the forums -- to see how everybody else deals with the emotional turmoil of transition, or just being transgendered.

Sending love and hugs.

~ Lori

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I thought about that as well , as you know and so many who transition know this aspect of transitioning is an often unsuspected or unrecognised aspect that many if not most will have to confront in the process of cross gender transition or even complete gender transition . I felt it my responcability as usual to raise the topic and show personal aspects that this is not an singular aspect to one but like many other aspects we all share in these sort of aspects as a community .

I may have had a some what easy and consiquently short transition as well but even after I still struggle as do so many .

As you know this is just one of the more significant issues we will all deal with at some point .. I have noticed a trend as of late and thought hard whether or not to write this . I wrestled with it because is the subject a bennefit or a hinderance to helping the forum and new members . Or will it force so many to perge only to be back in an even worse situation.

I wrote this to emotionally perge realities that I have come to understand within my life , as so many I strive for harmony yet find none when striving for it , yet when I stop and live within my life alone the Happiness and internal joys shine , this perplexes me and I struggle once again , such a vissous cycle that wears on me and so many as well , i suppose the premis of the post is that no matter how badly we want our lives to become compatable we have to often simply move forward knowing we will never forget our past but we must step forward .

In my new life I find total acceptance without predudice to my past , but when I remain with those from my past I am often subject to the life I once lived and not allowed to live fully with my new life . This is the brick wall I have struggled to over come and am finding out that no matter how much work I place in removing the barrior there is simply more barriors behide . Conclussion = step back catch my breath , rest and turn to those who have no vested interest in my past only within our futures.

If you would like to move this over for me please feel free , just more then my phone will allow lol or I would , guess I can Later .

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