Jump to content
Transgender Guide Message Board
  • entries
    105
  • comments
    360
  • views
    14,183

Firsts

WarrenG

514 views

So this is my first time with this...First time even blogging, actually. At the current moment I am several hours overdue to go to bed before a trip back north to see my mother, and perhaps this is why I have finally convinced myself to perhaps seek some guidance and support from others 'like me'. I say that as if I'm damaged cans at a grocery store..that's rather shameful I suppose.

So, a little about myself I guess? I'm 22 years old, I love horseback riding and enjoy writing in my own books, IMVU, and cooking. Oh yeah, and I'm transgendered? I think. I'm not entirely sure what you would consider it yet.

I were born genetically female, but always knew I werent. I remember the first vivid time when I realized it was what I wanted and needed, I were probably 6 or 7. That was the first time I realized that there was something strange going on, and wondered 'what if I magically just POOF turned into a boy?'. I got excited to that notion. Till I were informed that it were impossible.

I went several years denying myself the possibility until I discovered that yes, it IS possible to change myself to suit how I saw myself. I were so excited, but my family were not the sort of people I felt comfortable talking to about it. So I kept it bottled up, sending subtle and ignored hints. Soon after I decided to do something about it, I met my boyfriend, now of four years. I did not tell him about my intentions or thoughts, hoping that perhaps actual dating would cause these feelings to go away. Like a phase, perhaps. But they didnt. They got worse, and I finally broke down and told him.

He's accepting, and is trying to understand and help me. But I see the look in his eyes....

I'm now drowning in antidepressants and meds for my anxiety disorder, yet still have found myself miserable. I avoid mirrors, cringe when people call me by my born gender, and curl up in a corner when I realize that I have no way of fixing it yet. I cannot start a transition on the outside because not only do I have no idea where to start, but who do I turn to? I finally told my doctor, and she has been kind about it, and has tried to look for someone to help me out. But, I have to wait. She said it could be until the end of the year before I even hear anything.....this is agonizing. Is it possible to absolutely despise your appearance so badly that you imagine changing it yourself even if it could be life threatening?

I've had several days where I've wanted to find a sharp enough knife, and "take care" of my "problem" areas. But, for natural and sane reasons, this has never gone farther than rather gross mental images.

I'm at a loss. I dont know where to turn. I have one transgendered friend, but she is across the country, and though i greatly value her opinions and support, its slightly different. I seek help from a fellow FTM, and she's MTF. So sometimes I fear that what she knows is going to be the opposite of what I actually need.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. Guess thats what happens when you decide to blog at 2o'clock in the morning :P

-Warren



2 Comments


Recommended Comments

Warren, you are in the right place. Here there is no pressure to be transgendered, only support to find the truth, which is inside you. Highly recommend you find a face to face support group as well, which are on a link on the home page. This is a big website, so take your time going through it, and you will be surprised how every aspect of being transgendered is covered. It is a tightly moderated website where the moderators are kind, gentle and fair. You will find a supportive, emotionally safe and friendly space here. Glad to see you here! Welcome!!

  • Like 3

Share this comment


Link to comment

Hello, Warren...and welcome.

First, despite indicating that for sane reasons you would never take up that sharp knife and take care of problem areas yourself...imagining taking care of problem areas combined with depression and anxiety seems a little concerning to me. Just so you know, there is a forum on Mental Health and Crisis Intervention here at TGG. Some of the info and threads there may be helpful.

Second, you don't say if your doctor gave a reason as to why it could be the end of the before you hear anything. Personally, I don't understand why she would not be able to provide you with information on where or how you could begin the path to transition sooner. You mentioned she's been kind. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I read that as she is simply tolerating your situation because she's a medical professional, and she'll get back to you when it's convenient.

You should be able to google transgender support for your location. You could also check for transgender support groups on the home site as Monica mentioned above. You could also learn of therapist in your area experienced with gender issues at such gatherings.

Additionally...you could check The Transitional Male for an extensive list of therapists.

Might be time that you have to begin the process without waiting on your doctor.

-Michael

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×