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Silence

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It seems that with the increased amount of information we read and hear today about trangenderism, and people being told that transexuals are born as such, and are aware of it at a very young age...it seems they tend to leave out the part that not all of us state our positions starting in those tender years, that not all children will insist that they are something contrary to their physical sex/assigned gender. Because of this...my mother is convinced that I am not what I say I am, because I never said anything as a child. I've told her that not all children do, but she doesn't buy it.

A few weeks ago...I began to wonder if I am truly transexual simply because everyone keeps saying that a transexual child will begin to make a stand early in life. I've mentioned in a few posts that I learned at an early age that this was NOT something you told anyone, it wasn't something that was discussed. but I wondered... WHY did I not say anything? What was it that taught me that I shouldn't say anything?

The obvious has a lot to do with the era in which I was raised, and of course that was dictated by the era in which my parents were raised. When I was a kid, you did what you were told, you did NOT talk back, you certainly never contradicted anything an adult said or told you. My parents were fairly strict. My dad was in the army. Back then, if the kids got in trouble...so did dad. And if dad got in trouble...boy!! were you in for it. Also, society still had a hand in things when I was growing up. It was nothing for a neighbor, teacher, priest, shopkeeper, or any other adult/authority/parent figure to set you straight if you were doing something wrong. And you obeyed. It was fairly uncommon for the most part to even mouth off to these non-familial individuals - chances are, if you did, your parents would soon find out. So it didn't really matter if you misbehaved in their presence or not. Consequently...I believe these factors are what pretty much kept my brother and me walking a fairly straight and narrow path.

Okay...but, that might not completely explain why I didn't say anything. Then it dawned on me just yesterday. No, I didn't say anything. I did however take on certain postures and body language (emulated from the boys around me), and I had a liking for boys toys, or toys that were deemed appropriate for both boys and girls. I do remember a cowboy hat and gun and holster that I had at about age 4... so I apparently liked that kinda stuff even then. But perhaps at that age, my parents had no heartburn about buying those things for me. I'm sure they figured there was plenty of time to teach me what I was supposed to like and want.

Anyway...I remember several specific occasions where I was sat down by one parent or the other and told that girls don't do this, girls don't do that... or sometimes it was worded "only boys do this," or "only boys want that." And I wish I had $5 for everytime my mum spat out, "are you a girl or a boy?!" Still to this day I don't know what she ever thought about me having never answered her. I only know that since coming out to her, and despite that she does not accept it...she has never asked me that question again.

So I'm thinking that everytime I was chastised for acting or talking a certain way...that just reinforced the idea that I should never tell anyone who/what I was.

I'm thinking that I can't be the only one. I know that today's kids are a lot different, and seem to have a lot more expressive freedom than when I was a kid, but surely even today, some kids remain silent. And this certainly was not the case for all TG/TS people about my age...but I still can't be the only one that stayed silent as a kid. If I am...then, that sorta makes me wonder if i truly am transexual....


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No Michael your not alone there.You know comments and posts I've made.I knew back in the "60's when I was a kid but knew better then to say anything to anyone,simply by watching and obversing how people were.It seems society just in the recent past has come to learn that kids are smarter then they ever gave them credit for.Back in the "60's I knew better then to say anything cause I noticed how people acted and treated others just because they didn't have the same skin color as me.So I knew they wouldn't like me for who I am,so I never said or told anyone.It reinforced my thinking of not saying anything also.Thank God kids nowadays are growing up in a society where they can say and talk about things without society having a totally closedmind.

Dee

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Michael, My dear, I was told the same things when I came out to my mother and grandmother at the age of five , I took it to heart and to this day I regret even listening to a thing the said, I resent the fact that my grandmother will mot know me for who I really am and that my mother just now... about a week ago told me after a LOOONNGG discussion, and at the time of our discusion she said that she always knew and tried to help me along but I remember it quite differently at the time...

Those times were different like you say everyone knew everyone and a butt swatt was excepted from all to give.. I am and was at the time worried about how society would handle me and in fear and the instruction of beloved adults hid to say no more, act only in private and hide away till time could no longer hold me ... I think you need to take heart in the knowledge that they grew up in a completely different time and their values and thoughts were even more closed minded then when you were brought up, I know it was and still is hard to move through life pleasing those that raised us but at some point we have to just make our own way with or without their approval....I know its hard and it is not what we want but life has been hard to this point anyways.....

I do feel for you that your mother is still fighting with this with you to this day, I hope she comes around to your way of thinking...

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well Michael you raise an interesting point. I dont really remember having such thoughts of gender identity as a young child . It seemed to hit me in adolesence around 14 when I started to notice the difference between the sexes and felt that girls had more fun. At this point I found or was awakened to the fact that I preferred and desired to be like them. I soon found myself putting on my sisters clothes when home alone and felt so excited about being like her girlfriends.That desire grew with time and by age 21 I was living alone and finding myself truly dressing and living the life I enjoyed. Those years between 1 and 14 were blank though as to any desire.Maybe the interest developed for me during the hormone development as a teen. Debbie

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Mom was definitely my "Goddess" at age 7. I couldn't and so didn't risk any more of her disapproval than I already had.

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