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stephani

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  1. stephani
    I set pondering upon the time I have spent here , so many questions so many answers , what to hold onto what to let slip away , I know that I cant take all this information with me because it slips away like the sands held within my grasp , am I mistaken , do I reatain the guideance I have learned from so many here , I would like to think that some where within this cluttered mind within my skull it is all their waiting for the moment it is needed but I grasp to remember and nothing comes forth , am I simply growing to old to draw on it or has it been dumped for some thing newer and more relevant to the time I am currently passing through , The next shinny piece of information I know holds the answer to my question , oh how badly I feel when I cant recall every thing I have learned , I poke I prod but nothing dribbles out .... So sorry I have drawn a blank what was I talking about .. LOL , oh yeah My mind is to full time to organize this stuff any one know how to dewy decimal this stuff I failed Library in grade school , LOL . I know just another bit of rambling but hopefully it took your minds off of a days worth of information over load like it has for me .


    Love ya All .

    Steph
  2. stephani
    So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles.
    Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum.
    I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do.
    That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol.
    Ahhhh you twat giggle
    Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs.
    Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled. 
     
    You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants.
    Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest.
    And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.
     
  3. stephani

    Time Away

    By stephani,

    I thought that I would go ahead and add a new entry To My Blog , Possibly Just to get some of this out .


    Ok , Well for the Last Six Months I have been Attempting to Clean up the life that I had lead before I Transitioned , This is no small task , there are simply so many loose ends that one must over come after transition if you had done so during a Marriage .

    I often think it might have been so much easier just to have left and hid away within the vast country that we live in , then again , I have also had thoughts of Just moving to another country all together , would this fix the problems of the past life , No .... They will still follow , we all have to release the ties and some of them are tied to our hearts with deep Entangled knots that take some time to work apart I Strain to keep up with the realities that face me on a daily basis and the Mess that prior life held , so often they over come each and become a tangled mess that must be sorted though before we can move forward to the next bit that we find still needs attending to .

    I have tried to make the two compatable and in harmony with one another but you know what I have found , The Two shall never become compatable nor a coheasive organization of life expieriances , they simply cant coinside with one another just life I could no longer coinside with being that male that I was defined as at my birth , and the Woman that truelly resided within that body .

    Its a saddening thought that no matter what the truth is that our old lives can not come along with us on our new lives , it must be released all those ties that bound us to that life need to be Broken or Cut , they will continue to entwine within the new and make for a life of even more troubles then we would have within the old or within the new , I have no way of knowing why I cant make them work but at every step the fight is stronger then I am , this has caused me to become within this Darkened Place that we or maybe just I have lived for so many years .

    My nights consist of darkened Nightmares that cause me to have to take A Very Strong Anti- Anxiety Medication . I hate being tied to Medications , yet with out them I am affraid I would Go to the darkened place I am so affraid of , as some of you know Last year I had Two Major Nervious Breakdowns , that took some time to over come , Yet Here I am Back on the verge again , More so my Psychologist is yet again Worried about me , She isn't the only one , I worry and it leads to greater anxiety and depression , which is a visious cycle , So Difficult to come out of this one , Yet I still Fight , I still Struggle For My Life , I still Fight for My Sanity , it isn't better nor will it become just because Of Transition it has all just taken a new form , a form that hides the new and the old , a form that must be worked through so I can Step out into my life and not the life that the two have existed within , it is not easy But I find it an obtainable goal , I may be worn down and about to fall upon my knee's but I have been there before and I have been able to rise so once again I Fight for my life , I fight For Stephani .

    No one from My Past will forget nor move forward , so My only options are to Move forward without them , each and every Heartbreaking event that I cross and cut though will be a victory not a loss , I will win this battle and No matter what I will Win My Life .

    I cant say this action will work for others But I am understanding by every twist of the clocks hands that no one wishes to live within my life they wish for me to live within theirs , and this is my life not theirs so I have to move on even though it is Painful and heartbreaking my life has to move forward the staggnet bogg that was my life is slowly moving behind me I still find it trouble some to move forward but I still do make steps to a life that I create and not one that was writen for me .


    Hugs
    Stephani
  4. stephani
    Ok lets get down to a few things

    First passports go to each and print off

    Fill in required fields on passport application first before you print it off

    Use info to help you support your request from your doctor

    Take required info and documents to local passport office

    Pay them , and wait for the new passport to show up .

    A.


    http://travel.state....tml#DS11Instruc



    B.
    http://travel.state....1/ds11_842.html


    C.
    https://pptform.stat...nline+%26+Print

    D. I will add when I post this as PDF file it’s the doctors approval letter for use for passport that I wrote up for mine to fill out ( side note enter the name you are changing it to first and as , then legal current name second ) gender to match what you are changing it to not current legal ( unless Post op then you should have had all this done already lol ) .
    the pdf i add should be around here some where lol ... Passport doctor apprroval letter.pdf

    E.
    http://www.state.gov...tion/143160.pdf


    Ok I know it looks like a lot well it really is not .

    Make sure to print off these for your records and for the doctor and passport office .

    　

    　

    Now onto social security Card , easy peasy stuff here .

    A.

    http://www.socialsec...snumber/ss5.htm

    Shows a PDF download to fill out for new card .

    Download it fill in required fields .

    You can use the one I attached as PDF for reference if you are unsure.

    Here’s the PDF file if you cant find it

    http://www.socialsec...online/ss-5.pdf

    Required information you need to take
    I am adding a pdf file so you can see how to fill this out .. social security.pdf


    http://www.socialsec...mber/ss5doc.htm

    Ok there you all go just hope they help , you will notice i put passport at first position , thats because with it you can get other stuff easier , I did not post on drivers lisence because each state is differen , but for a FYI missouri requires only birth cert or passport and social security card , i have heard they wanted a piece of mail with current address and your name on it . ( your new name not old one )


    enjoy Hugs
    Stephani
  5. stephani
    I wounder how this is going to turn out but in all matters I really could care less any more , the family well they love me and want my happiness yet they remain distant , the daughter well she's a littlle twit as of late and she needs a spanking , if I was stronger but now I think she could take this girl down LOL... I hated the fact that I had to choose for my wife , yet it was so comforting to know and see the out come is what I wanted for her ... they are still a part of her life mine distant yet still there , which is ok with me I can look and love atleast they haven't been taken out of my life completely , I get to see my littlest alot she is the 2 year old and she calls me stephani like she should . Gma is a little out of step so I dont want that , LOL.. I am happy with the out come , my life is a little more at ease now it was full of turmiol for the last few weeks and now , no longer ...

    I figured it would take my greaving over my wife longer but as I really lost her when we had our talk two and a half years ago it really only took me a week to be finally ok with it , she is still in my life and we are the best friends that we both could ask for, we do still live together but that's because neither of us have the money to move out seperatly , I hope this takes a while because she still is a love in my life I never want to loose .

    The endo apptment went like I figured it would they refused treatment on moral issues but wanted to learn alot so we talked for about an hour and a half . I am fine with morality its the fact that he knew it before they had me waist my day talking with him , I know this because he talked to his partners in the practice and this was the descion they came up with . Yeah I am a bit upset still because I am back to square one on that front , I have about five I have called and left word to call back , a couple are 178 miles away and one 210 so not a short trip just to go see the endo .. mid america you bite my arse ..... LOL

    oh another thing I finally found a lawyer that would do my name change and divorce all in one , and even order for my birth records changed , you know the whole bit all in one and at one time... now just for the cash yeash always more money going out but well worthit in my oppinion..

    My psycologist is in a quandry because I really dont have any thing else bothering me , we have talked about it and I have worked through so much now I am simply back to playing the waiting game.... I guess it could be worse I could be torchered in therapy for years before finally making a breakthrough..... tada there you have it the most accurate and up to date I can give at this moment..


    Hugs and kisses my friends
    Stephani
  6. stephani
    I am forced to carry a loving heart through out this life as I am sure so many of you are as well , those within our lives are simply victoms of a tender heart or have become hardened because of the pain they have known , what do you suppose makes those of us that have a loving heart continue to undergo the pains of knowing and feeling for those around us , they cant return the same to us or are forced to withdraw due to their attempts at knowing those pains we deal with within our lives .

    I suppose it is the natural motherly instinks that have dwelled within us since birth that cause us to both feel and know of those we nurture through out our lives , does this become a help within our growth as women or do you suppose it has hindered us because we concern ourselves with the feelings and resentments others have suffered within their hearts .

    Does it make us hardened knowing this and surmize in order to not become hardened from the pains of our own hearts we must finally seperate our needs from the others we care so deeply for ...

    Does this in some way force us to become more tender hearted then loving when we have to choose our lives over those we have so lovingly nurtured along the way ....

    I ponder the notion that since one step in transition is to realize our valid needs out weigh those we have lovingly nurtured along the way thus does it harden us or can we still fulfill our needs , wants , and desires and still continue to be the loving person we have always been for those around us...

    I wonder , I hope that because for once in my life I can validate myself instead of those we have surrounded ourselves with that I will remain loving , it is a hard lesson we learn when we validate ourselves instead of those around us but I still believe even though we finally compete our needs and leave those we nurtured they in some form become a loving part of our heart finally completing the hope we have held for them in the first place to become loving for those around them instead of simply tenderly carring or carring to the point it has hardened them from those that surrounded them.

    I hope I have not confused you to much I suppose I was simply wondering that because I have to care for myself for once instead of those I have cared for sacraficing my own validations thus creating the peradox we so struggled to over come in the first place ... can I still be loving and validate myself over those that I have sacraficed to this point of validation . or does it harden my heart in a form and sacraficing the validations those I so lovingly cared for in the past . or am I becoming to tender hearted in feeling that any out come of my or their validations is simply because I no longer can feel the hardened heart within my person.

    I leave you scratching your heads as I have and do so very often during my own self validation process hopefully those loving person that surrounded me to this point can remain so because of my self validations.
  7. stephani
    Well , now as of the fifth of july I have officially recieved my carry letter , finally no more fears of the mens restroom and violence within , I can hold my head up high and walk my pretty little butt into the appropriate restroom , with odd looks of course but still a milestone none the less , my appointment with the endocronologist isnt until the 22nd of september but I guess nothing to concerning with the battery of tests and bloodwork so Wippy .... L a little I did , I suppose I could try and slide in on a cancelation but ehh it's all good . Just thought I would update a blog for those who were wondering , also am in the process of all the red tape run around in name change what a state missouri is and dealing with cali on top of it , oh well I will get it all sorted before I renew my liscence in october ( hope so any ways ) ...

    Take care everyone Hugs and Kisses
    Stephani
  8. stephani
    Ok had another session with my therapist and guess what Tears they fell like rain , what the hell at no other time then this my anti-depressants keep me from tearing up or feeling a thing and I get in here and a few questions into the session I cant stop crying . Frig make up my mind then on top of it I got home and their I was an emotional mess again , my wife wants to know whats wrong and why do I keep going to see my therapist if every time I am going to turn into a basket case , crying over the littlest things and at nothing at all , she said she wanted me to stop going if this keeps up , and I told her I need it apparently because of the years of this building up and not letting go of it all , so I know I am gona cry my eyes out until I get this stumbling block knocked out , I thought I had made it past all this a long time ago but hey its really a different story when there is that carring soul looking back at you asking those questions and reflecting your pain ...

    I know my problems but I simply cant get over them , is this a good thing for my transition , well no I need to be strong because transitioning is a mental battlefield constantly bombarding us with waves of attacks , so to be holding onto such old pain it makes transition seem insurmountable and almost unatainable ...


    I know that I have to get past these problems as well because transition is a marvelous and splendid time that we should revel in because of the joy our lives are begining to expeiriance for the first time since our awaikening , But you know 34 years of battle is so hard to let go of in such a short amount of time , hence why Time be your best friend take it hold it and use it to make it past this crap , I know I am , Ok going to cry myself to sleep and hopefully when I wake up in the morning I have managed to break down one more obsticle that held me back from my happiness ...

    You all my best Love and hugs

    Steph
  9. stephani
    Ok , yesterday I had my first session with my new therapist ( by the way didnt have an old one ) She's a great little lady , open to the needs and concerns we have concerning Transition , It is so hard to find a qualified phycologist that knows and can properly aid with all aspects of transition and any other issues we may have but I think she is going to be a great help , I dont have any real issues other then those fricking SOC rules I know they are in place for a reason but I am not the only one that knows and feels them to be a detriment to those seeking the medical therapies available to us , and yes I know they are just guide lines to help with those that have no clue what , where , and how they are going to live their lives before , during , and after transition ( if this is the route you choose to take ) but for those that have a plan are mentally stable , physically able , and medically fit to undergo this tremendous undertaking it sets up nothing but road blocks and side steps to what in any other setting would have other wise been a smooth transition through life .

    I think she is going to be an asset in my transition and not a hinderance the fact that they the dr.'s there have aided in other transitions makes a big difference and that this is really her and the main Dr.'s specialize in and with those with gender issues helps to , the ladies their are wonderfully respectful and sincerly concerned about my needs and feelings , it is quite refreshing to have expierianced this because as so many of you know that office encounters can be strenuous and filled with tensions both on your part and theirs , these gals were sweethearts always stating my name ( stephani ) and asking if I needed something while I waited . I was apprehensive about seeing a therapist because I know how risky it is , what kind of therapist am I going to get will they help me or hinder me , will they be supportive or try and block my every move , so much anxiety over the out come when choosing a partner in transition because this is really what they are a partner helping you make good decisions in your life's journey , some one that can listen unjudgementally no matter what pops out of your mouth , The forum and all the friends we make here are a great help but some times you really need some one to look into their eyes and know they do feel what you are going through . not to mention grab you a tissue when the box is empty (this was my case :-) ) , I hope others here have a great Phycologist aiding with their transition and if not I hope you find one , Best wishes My loved friends and Friends yet met .. Huggs


    Oh and by the way I have read that Dr.'s seldom to never Email back well , this Dr. takes about 30-45 minutes before she gets back with me , no matter what time of night we talked before going to their office I admit this is a hard thing to find but you can if you do your home work ... I really respect these gals so professional and carring . Thanks Dr. Farnan and Dr. Burton if your reading this , yes I talked about you guys LOL I love this forum and all you guys as well ..
  10. stephani
    I know it has been a long time since I have been posting .


    I have been wondering why nothing I do manages to bring me to the point that My life is complete , I try to find work at home yet still manage to have to continue what makes me sad and discontent with my existance , I know I should be content in having work , yet for some reason thats is no consilation , I do however feel content with who I am I wear what I want I get up on good days when I put on my makeup and do my hair up and look at the world as it is full of opportunities and wonders yet to be discovered by my eyes , my mind and simply smile that little smile we all have on those sort of days .

    I dont feel this is anything great , I dont feel this to be some sort of special thing to be held high just a day in the life of a woman , highs, lows and days that are simply just another day . I have looks but nothing in the shadows creaps , at least none that I look to find . Every one that looks for some special feeling it might be there but for me knowing who I am brings no white bright fuzzy feelings they are simply the feelings I have always held .

    For those looking for that moment, search for it, find it , if it is to be had , I must and do feel that I should advise there is no better joy then simply knowing you can make it to the end of today with your head held high.

    Finally stop feeling you have waisted another day attempting a feeling that might and for some never have existed , stop waisting away and hold today in your eyes for what it is another day to be enjoyed with you in it .

    The days are for you to hold in your hands and make them for what they are opportunities , dont waiste them they pass so quickly , ( I aint getting any younger ) any questions , I didnt think so . You all have to put on those stretchy pants and colorfull blouse ( ok I like them you can wear what ever you feel best in ) . Kiss' and big Huggs
  11. stephani
    Within our minds we create lyrics of our lives , does your heart play the tune for the world to hear or do you simply humm the tune to your selves ...

    Within life the rythm plays and we create our songs of life , Do you hear your symphany playing your tune , or are you tone deaf ..

    As we walk down the streets watching others pass by , we often hear their songs playing loudly , what do they hear when they pass by you ? Do they hear a beautiful sound or do they wince in aggony when they hear your song playing loudly ...

    It has been said that we walk to a different drummer why do you suppose this is , do we really sway to a unharmonious tune as we walk through life or is it that those others are simply tone deaf and simply can't hear the beautiful song we are marching to ...

    I sit within this truck waiting to deliver yet another load singing loudly to what is playing on my Iphones music app. and it comes to mind how we do really walk through life singing a tune of our own , maybe this is why so many around can't seem to or be behind us in everything we do in life , maybe they just simply don't listen to the same music that we do , maybe they are a little country and we are a little rock and roll , maybe they are blues and we are classical , maybe we are harmony and they are rythm .... I guess what I am trying to say that no matter what song we play for the world to hear not everyone can appreciate the music we appreciate and sing out , nor will they ever begin to like it...

    I know that with every style of music there are some that I simply will not and can not seem to acclamate to , yes I do hear the rythms and styles of every one around me but I simply can not get into it as they are , my passions lie in all of humanity but some of those players do make me wince by their tune , is this a good thing I suppose it is and then again I suppose it isn't , maybe I like to appreciate it at a lower tone and possibly eventually I will become intune with them , I would like to think that I will , it's hard to say that I will ever truelly become appreciative to the tune they are playing ...

    I liken it to being stuck on a bus or the subway with a bunch of battling portable boom boxes , each trying to hear their favorite tune and ever turning the thing up louder and louder , I can't enjoy one when three more tunes I like are blairing in my ear ....

    Maybe if we all ( before you get upset all of humanity not simply those transitioning or those who have transitioned or those that will never transition or even those that prefer to be any aspect of the trans gender spectrum )simply tone down to a reasonable range the people around us could finally enjoy being around us and our tune , it's even possible that they would finally appreciate other forms of music playing through life ... Just a thought ...

    I realize that I am enalagising the struggles that we all face but I think that since every thing on this planet does resinate a tune that connects us all together it would be a good way to make us all think , Who of us doesn't like to hear a beautiful song playing it gets us into a state of happiness or saddness depending on what we are hearing connecting us once again to our fellow man or woman walking through life with us ...

    Play your song for those around you , make them humm along with you and smile when they are in your presance ...
  12. stephani
    It has been a while now since I last made a Blog entry so I felt it due .

    I set and often wonder why time seems to pass so quickly in our daily activities but yet it appears to stand still in so many of our Transitions . I know that this is all simply a misconception on my part but yet this is how it feels at times , as the sands of time slip away we often feel that we are moving forward in our day to day lives but our perceptions of our transition slaps us in the face seemingly telling us that you are stuck in this , there is no way you are going to ever be able to finally become the person within , You know that I have often struggled through the years with this and as I have been writing my book I came to realize after reading it correcting it and rereading it 20 times that , ( here it comes ) I transitioned along time ago ( Ok maybe not that long ago laughs a little to self ) just because my body still outwardly appears to be male I never stopped being and doing everything I really wanted to be and do , this might seem strange to a lot of you but others will know exactly what I am saying .

    The fact of the matter here is that everything in my life I have done I thought it was out of necessity but when in all reality I still lived the life I felt comfortable living , I realized that I still feel sexy and just as female as I did when I realized who it was that I am . The clothes didn't make the difference , the hair didn't change anything my girlie actions didn't affect my life , I did , I affected my life ... I dictated my actions , perceiving these were the actions I was suppose to take this was the way society and family wanted me to make and do but I had the control I could have made a different life if I would have realized this when I was younger , but it wasn't time I still needed to grow and experience so much more of what life had to offer me , does this mean that I am not going to go through the physical transition no this means that I am that much more driven to accomplish this ... I simply do not need any approval from society to be me because I have always been me and will always be me , just a few alterations to the outfit I was given at birth ..

    The sight of who I am in the mirror saddened me in the past , making me feel I was trapped but as of late time has shown me that I have never stopped being the person that I had glimpsed in the mirror , You might then say that if I realized all of this then why would I even need to change the stitches in time well because the outfit doesn't match and it is a problem , but a simple problem not one that really hindered my life nor my personal decisions , I really hope you understand and can come to some understanding in your own lives . It is still an up hill battle for me but at least now I can see a little further down the path I have taken ...

    Like the adage says life is what you make of it , I have made a good life I will never stop feeling this is true , I have made my life my own no one else did it for me they never took my hand and showed me that this is what and were you need to be , they simply told me to go into life and do , that's exactly what I did , I made my life with my own view of it , I might then again might not have made some other decisions along the way if I knew then what I know now and went through physical transition , I will never know but from this point on I will still make My decisions for My life , I will walk with a swing , I will still cry at movies , I will still show my mannerisms when I talk and move , I will still act like the B**ch I am when I get mad , and I will still Hold my family in dearest regard like only a Daughter a Sister a Mother and a Grandmother can ....

    Final thought , If you need to blame society for mistakes in your life , you should talk to some one that can show you that the mistakes in your life have been made by you not society ... Love who you are not who you think you should be , be who you are not who you want to be ... SPR
  13. stephani
    I know that this winter has especially taken a toll on me but how about the rest of you ladies and gental men ? This winters snow fall has seamed to grow considerably since the last years , I should know I have traveled about 84 % of this winter in snow and icy conditions, not to mention the end has been wet thank goodness for that I was about to snap if I had to see one more snow flake fall . ... I really dislike the cold and I really dislike those that seem to think they have to be out in the inclimate weather, why in the world dont these idiots stay at the house and out of harms way , they dont know how to drive on the dry roads let alone when mother nature stacks on ice and snow .... Trust me if I didn't have to I wouldn't even step one foot out into the stuff , but since the frieght has to get to the stores I must ( for now anyhow ) ... I know that there are times that you need to get out and run to the store for food but just to be out in the stuff to run around eeeessshhhh no wonder nature has natual selection..... Ok I wont say any more just look to hear the tales from you all .... And By The Way .... Thank you all for just being who you are .
  14. stephani

    just a glimps

    By stephani,

    I am just a normal woman staining daily to make the right choices, How can I be sure I am making the correct ones can I even make a difference will I make it out of this with my brain intack, it ackes with the pain I feel my tears flow like rain my head at the point of bursting thoughts roll around like a land slide crashing into other thoughts and creating an overwelming sence of anquish and doubt..... The time it passes and slowely a tear turnes into a river of raging waters salty and bitter to taste washing down my face I know the pains they carry away washing away any signs I might have shown to the outside world but yet still hidden within the pain grows again waiting for its chance to over take the dams I have placed to hold them back , and yet again they fail as I do and have in the past.... trying to simply hold them in is overwelming in its self .... The pain crashes into life again will it take me this time or can I withstand the battering I take again ..... It hurts and it must be released or I will fail , Will I fall sucoming to the pain or is this not an opption , opptions are lifes choices and I have no choice I am strong enough I can and will make it I must or it is all for not and I cant let this be my epitath for those I surround myself would not understand what pain I endure and I cant show them for they would become sorrowed as I have and this is not a legacy to inherant nor one I would want to pass on to those I have such love and admiration for.



    A tear is a small amount of liquid dispelled from our bodies they are the carriers of our pains our joys and our thoughts they flow from us gathering what they must to help us deal with what ever takes us at that moment they begin to flow, they flow like rivers and fall as individuals , as we all are... We can take a lesson from our tears they like us are strong as individuals and even stronger as a river when they are accompanied by others, we can be strong on our own but with others along we can move mountains ....

    I want to Thank all those along for the support they have given this last year, and hope to continue in the coming years, you have held my hand and wiped away my tears giving me hope to continue on, It shall not take me becasue with the loving support you have given I have become strong as a river , and an even stronger woman....My heart goes out to you my friends this holiday season I give you all my love and best wishes in your daily lives.
  15. stephani

    How must I feel

    By stephani,

    I suppose that I must feel something but today I am numb I dont feel anything empty inside , I dont know why but as of late I have been empty no tears fall when I cry no thoughts of others just a vast casm to be crossed .... I know that this isn't the first time nor will it be the last time I feel this way but I am courious why it happens is it our mind and bodies way of protecting us or is it like a rain barrel slowely filling and evaporating then filling again to be overflown yet again , is this normal or is it something different is it something that everyone goes through or just those that have gender issues , I would like to think that everyone goes through this and that it was not something that we have to suffer from on top of every other issue we have .. maybe it comes from our issue maybe its part of transition I am courious and perplexed by it ....

    Will these feelings of emptiness quit when fully through transition or do they still persist , does it mean I loose who I am or is it simply a apart of me ..... I look in the mirrow and there I see myself but then again I am gone again in an instant where do I go why must I leave ... So many questions in lfe so few answers .... The time I live without feelings and thoughts scares me will I loose my caringness and empathy for myself and humanity .... No I wont I haven't yet and dont truelly believe I ever will at least I hope I dont if I do then I as a person am lost as well ....unable to feel is a scary time Usually when it is over I fall pre to deep anxiety and depression the weight once again crushing down on my chest and heart at times unbearable , but I over come their forces and manage to make it to tomorrow , Why do you suppose this happens is it the coping mechanism we all have within our selves or is it some thing else.....

    Constant Highs and Lows takes a toll on us all but how we deal with them is individual , I try to ride them out anticipating the good times returning to me , the time they take seem to be farther and fewer between but I wait with angxt for I know they will come eventually , I work my mind so heavily I suppose it needs to restart from time to time ... its always on so I guess its a good thing that it has some down time to reboot .... My ponderances and daily workings take a toll on it so good for it take the time rest and come back refreshed and ready to start again... I accept this and have learned to expect it I just wonder does it make me better or worse ?


    Away to sleep.....
    Quiet and weak ....
    I take a break ...
    I leave my cares behind ....
    I rest within ....
    Caring no more ...
    Caring no less ...
    I loose myself ...
    I find a place ...
    A place to rest ...
    Come again I will ...
    Return with you I shall ...
    But for now ....
    I rest ....
    S.P.
  16. stephani
    Today is , well, suppose to be a day to give thanks for many things, but for this to be the true notion of freedom and cause for giving thanks.... Do we and are we truelly given these things I feel this answer to be no....Due to this thought I feel a bit un thankful, I know I have so many freadoms now that just a few years ago I was not privey to... But are we truelly free to be all we need and want to be free from... I feel this is just an ellusion given to us by the governing bodies, If they truelly wanted to give the freedoms they speak of then I feel we would have the right to say lets do this , its not interfearing or hurting others thus it should be our freedom to choose. The presuite of happiness this right is supposably given to us but not allowed by so many stipulations and laws forbiding it, it appears to me that the governing bodies feel as though they are smarter and wiser then we are and this giving them the powers and controls to dictate to us our lives.

    Does this hinder us from our abillities to eventually accomplish what will truelly make us free and happy no but it does limit us from doing so in a more timely fassion..I am in some ways thankful that inspite of it all I will be given the choice to finish my persuites but the time it takes makes us a little weary to enjoy and truelly be thankful for the journey , because it is an arjurous one bringing times that make us truelly sorry for this task but the time is passing and we make it thru it maybe a little stronger and wiser I hope this to be true for everyone that transitions, for if not learn and grow from it then are we no better off then we were before attempting to gain this freedom from this dark place so many of us have been held captive ... Will we truelly feel that our freedoms were worth giving thanks for the opportunity to endure this I hope so for if not I think it might make so many feel ungratified and no better off then they were before transitioning... I hear so many on both sides of transition talk about how things are and so many that transition are considerably more ville and bitter then they were before attempting to undergo all of this that we go thru to get free from this darkness....

    I feel for them because I know what they have undergone to get to the other side and yet they are no more thankful to be there then they were when they started. I really hope that I will be strong enough to finish this life without the remorce that others have shared with the world.. I merely want to complete this journey with my joy and humor they are what keep me going at times I get down in the darkness and forget them but I eventually come out of the haise better for it, I guess I should be thankful for this because without the opportunity to have expierianced it I would not have grown to be a better person....

    So I suppose in all reallity I am Thankful, Thankful for the opportunity to have met all of you and to have had you guide me and me to have helped just one other make it thru and thankful for doing so.. So many are and never will complete transition for many reasons and they are stuck in the saddness unable to go forward nor to return to their past.. I hope for theeir sakes they can get some sort of happiness out of their lives and be thankful as well...

    I just want to Thank you all and tell you I am and will always be Thankful to call you all friends, and family.... Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas as well.... I can hope for the new year that is growing ever closer that we all can and will helps others to a better place in their lives, like so many of you have done for me..
  17. stephani

    seriously though

    By stephani,

    Hello you bright and inteligent humans out there in the net(er) net(er) land, I feel as though I must raise my hand to ask the question.... Me playing devils advicate once again, Mike's been off for some time, Thats ok I will play ....

    OK, Now it has come to my attention at the local water cooler that some of those that say they are your friends and closest allies are merely , traderous back stabbing A sexuals, Ok maybe B sexuals Or maybe No sexuals this might answer the question before I really ask it ( they might be sexually frusterated and have to release this tension on some one else ), Why must those that say they feel our pains and frustrations turn around once we leave the room to cast the first dagger into our general direction....

    Why cant people just be honest and forth right with us , And the same can be said about us at times , What in the fricken world makes them or us think it is right just or fair to play tag with some one elses cercomstances or possition in life possibly they are in a higher possition in the organisation or work place... I guess life in general....

    What in the world makes us turn into the vendictive lot we are when the other person leaves the room....

    Talk about me to my face were I can defend whatever accusations you have thrown into the room for everyone to discuss... Everyone that is except for that person... Now I know this happens with gays, straights, lesbians, Tg's (whatever stage you might be). They say they know and they have your back but as soon as you leave BAHM distain right between the shoulder blades , another one goes down and never knew what hit them....

    Why do we do this.... Dont sit there and say it doesn't happen and you have never seen it happening because ever since we were young and awair of our surroundings we have seen this and have possibly even done this, I will be honest I know when I was younger I can now look back and addmit I have done this same petty thing myself ( but fortunatly I have grown to understand how distrucktive this behavior can be )..and I have made up for this with the persons I refer to in my situation.... Can You say as much ? Would you be so forth right with that person you have done this to ?


    I am not saying nor am I implying this is has or will have happened to me ( honestly looking outward I am sure it has and will happen many more times in my life ).. but In the outside area of this board ( the Vers as it was ) it happens I know it happens I have seen it happen have been subject to its distain and managed to grab it by its skronney neck and tell it to knock it the H*** off , I cant say I was right by standing up for the other person but I can say without a doubt I did stand up for the other person, Have any of you done this stood up for another or have you merely slinked off into a corner where you thought if you quietly sat you weren't part of this kind of attack , ( Just for future referance if you did do this , You were still in on the attack because you did nothing to stop it ... Sorry my oppinion )... Ok enough you all get the jest of the post... I Hope I think I know you do... Love ya all.... Keep them coming I will be around to field the responces....




    Ok I tried to publish this one first but it was passed over by this above posting so I will add it to the tail end of this one that way it gets its recognition as well..... ( crinkles face and slightly sticks out tounge then giggles way to much..)




    Ok, Here I am once again......
    I set beside the second hands passing arm.....
    Will I take the steps ahead....
    Will I fall to the ground below....
    I feel I am sliding past this place I know....
    I grab for your hand...
    I miss its grasp...
    Bye I go...
    Away I know I will come again...
    To take this place only within...
    To take your hand yet again..
    I am Ok...
    I really am Okay...
    No... I Really feel I am Okay..

    I feel this place within my heart ...
    I taste its sweat perfume around my soul...
    I know with it I can drive it home...
    I know I feel it on My chest...
    It is so heavy I feel depressed...
    But once again I Feel OKAY....
    Once again I am OKAY...
    hold it in ....
    Breath it out....
    Its pain subsides..
    Its gone for now....
    Away at last I do not know...
    But I am OKAY....For now I know!


    Pain is here its grasp surrounds us all we hold it close to know why it must go.....To understand why we must feel it so...I know now why I feel this way I know now why I have to stay....I must let pain go so I may grow....



    Stephani R. Filed in I Must Ponder, Or queary abit
  18. stephani

    It appears to be....

    By stephani,

    Well..... It apears to be another day that we have found out that we arent as strong as we thought we were... Why me why why why.... You think that the world is against you it is out to get you your in it's sights and no matter what you try things just keep hittin' you right between the eyes.

    Well is it really out to get you or are you merely feeling sorry for your self, I believe that you are at a point in your life that you have created some opportunities for failure to catch up with you and get you down at a point that your confidence level is low, Don't let it get you down any more take a step back run a hot bath with some bath oils and soak up the cleansing vapors, put on some nice music , relax my dear just relax stop letting it get to you no matter how hard you try you are not going to force things to get better, now that you can think clearly and you are relaxed.... Tell yourself that you are not going to let things get you down like this again it hasn't helped to this point so why would you continue to let them get to you like they did so from here on out , You are in control, You are confident, You can make things better, You will change how things have gone, You are strong, You know that you are going to make it through with your head up high, You know you will strive to be the best at whatever you seek to become, You are confident in what ever you do......... You Are Worth Respect and Admiration.

    The mind is your best alli and your worest enemy, With confidence in yourself you can change lifes outcomes to benefit you in it and through it. The mind is a powerful tool use it to bennefit you and stop letting it hinder you , think possitive from now on I realize this is easier said then done but stop and look back on your life when things were going right ,your confidence was up and you were thinking possitively, am I correct, I believe if you are being honest I am, Use what you have to better your life. And stop letting it drag you down.
  19. stephani

    Sorry So Sorry....

    By stephani,

    I am so sorry for not being around for so long.... things are tough all over I know... Its not a good excuse and not even a bad excuse. But things have been real dificult for me lately...

    Ok , first things first I have started to with draw a bit my mind is on so many things as of late, Job, Money you all know the deal you are most likely going through it your selves...

    I was for a time only talking to my wife in my fem voice and things were fine but I senced a bit of tension from her , I think it has a lot to do with our daughter and her having to help out with her and her new baby and the rest of the grand children, and on top of this me and my whole mess, So I have stopped this and withdrawn from who I am back to who I feel she needs, I know this is detrimental to me , but she has bean srtong for me in this I feel I can give her what she needs to make it through all this with the kids.

    I have even stopped practicing my voice and stopped putting on makeup.... I have started looking for work here at home so I can be around more for her This is going to be and is a difficult thing for the area I am in.... I will find something . I have told her that I think I am going to go back to school and get a degree in something I am thinking Therapy or Nursinng I still set on the wall looking at this and hesitate the jump .... She thinks I want to go into nursing because my ex is trying to get into the field.... Trust me this is not going to happen for her and niether is nursing but in my wifes mind it is still their pecking at her, no matter what I tell her... I think the Therapist thing might be my forte but I am still on the wall, I am sure I will jump soon I have to do something this setting around the house really isn't helping my depression one bit and the anxiety level is returning to its prior levels.


    Enough of this I am back on here and plan to get on here more often so look for me guys and gals... As always love you all.. Steph
  20. stephani
    Ok , a couple of weeks ago I sat down with my wife, yes I am still married after our talk.... Oh what a drain on me was this talk. I was emotionally spent, HUH so I though, guess what a few days later my Mother calls........ him hawing around the preverbial bush I did for a time.... cant fool your mother when somethings eating at you they wont leave you alone till you spill the beans...

    OK , back to my wife we sat down to a movie or something night kinda vexed me anyways we began talking about the ordinary stuff and she said something that really bugged me.... OH YOU JUST THINK YOU WANT TO BE A GIRL LIKE HER DONT YOU>>>>>Ahh, I am sorry but I popped

    What is it about this whole thing that you dont understand? OOPPS wrong way to start this discusion.....OK ,calm down You know we have talked about this before...... YOU NEVER told me anything, Really, I never told you anything.....UHHHHH lets talk that way you will understand fully and I will know that you understand fully....OK while we talk will you color my hair, BUT of COURSE I will ....I like to do it its good quality time, and its fun.

    Ok into the conversation we went , how why when where what the, are you kiddin me really are you sure why would I , OK you get the jest, now Its I understand and am behind you in what ever you deside I love you for you and not the body you reside in...What a realief, here I thought OK hears the deal you talk like that again and outa here you go and all your assets ( though not many mostly my good looks GIGGLES A BIT ) are mine.... NOPE to that I will get back to you on this one when I am on HRT and fixen to go full time...

    Ok back to mom, pretty much the same talk a few more tears and a lot harder to do but its done, to my supprise, I knew it was something but just not sure what it was , Oh thats nice I told you when I was five but you told me to not think about it I was a boy and needed to act like one , dreams dont mean a thing and stop acting like a girl,,,...... Same speach from gramma, she atleast gave me a hug and wiped my tears away when she told me these things..

    Ok sorry she told me she was here for me if I needed to go back and live with her then I could and that she was sorry for ever doubting me when I was younger, she was sorry for being so rough on me and she only wanted the best for me and If how great of a guy I have become is any inclination towards how great of a woman I will become, then she talked about how she thought it was gona be my brother to come out to her.... a little shocking but ok, I really dont see that he's a closet freek not a live out in the world one , he might of dressed up in the day but now I think he just likes to be freeky in the bedroom with his wife.... Not to say he might change this in the future but I really doubt it with him...

    About a day went by, no I take that back it was two days I was completely drained emotionally and didn't talk to anyone the next day, she called back and told me that if I didn't mind she talked with two of my aunts and they think if this is what makes me happy they are behind me in it...yippy lets make the headline news. before I can fully deal with the fact that I came out to my mother and wife in whole hearted facts......

    Well the cats out of the bag and this kitty has claws and she aint goin back in so , Look out word It starts with a puurr and ends with a meow....

    God , I hope she doesnt think I am gona stick with the name she wants to give me well as a second middle name..... willa.... Are you kidin me Stephani Willa Paige R. I love ya ma but HE)) NO way thats gona go on the new lisence or birth cert when I get to that point.....I will let her have her moment for now but UUUHHTTUGGHH No way Howdy Doudy....
  21. stephani
    My oh my it has been so long since my last confession sisters..... Giggles sorry.

    How in the world are you ladies and gentlemen, have you worn the storm called winter well or have you barely made it through in sound mind..
    I would like to say I have came through it unscathed but it would be a lie to utter those words to you , It took a toll on me as I am sure it has done to many others. The cold bites and tears at us like a wolf waiting for us to fall to its grip, Give up NEVER I say fight the good fight I say If you make it to the sunny side only nipped and bruised then I say Great for you , unfortunatly I feel as though I have been dragged through the mill a time or two, but none the less I stand at the other side head up and smiling.... A bit of a crooked smile But a smile none the less.

    To add to my horrable winter I pop into spring with an Ex knocking on my door....

    Ok I may have but dont think I have told of my past, I will enlighten you a bit so your all up to speed.

    One in my late teens I was the tipikle ( and must say over velous ) boy getting into the I am male hear me roar I will I can Look at me ( BS hiding as most of us do ) My life at home was my life at home at sixteen I was working a full time job paying my own rent and other following subsiquent bills that go along with living on ones own. ( I figured I had to pay my way I might as well do it in my own house ) I digress, at seventeen I was already a heavy drinker I hooked up with this girl that I thought I could give up me and this thing that has tormented me since age five , I can and will be her man I can do it I will do it , so off I went Inpressing her and wooing her to move in with me ( ah hell what a mistake as I look back ) we partied ( and yes I was using protection MOM'S ) well she was young and wanted to expieriance more then one male caller... Go figure she already had one P what did she need with another one, oh thats right to use and get to Use some more ( a bit bitter I know sorry )...... any way She at one point becomes our envied GG , Pregnant.... Mine hard to say for sure at two seperate occasions the protection failed subsiquently around same supposed time of inpregnation for no possitive conclusions of science can absolutely pin down time of conception..to day or hour.

    Sorry, Ok she preg. I being this ubber male try to do the right thing , nope wont have this Ok fine lets move on the child is born she distapears and a month or so goes by I get a letter from a lawer and her mother.... Short of the long Stay away dont try to become part of this childs life and sign your rights away... My drunken stupper and a pissy lawer say sign it be done and move on OK ...Durty Durr.... Now sixteen years later I get a note dropped off at the house saying your son wants to get to know his father........

    OK now I am no longer an alcoholic I am a daily recovering one ( You all know that story I remember telling it before ) Ok I am up to this ( so I thought ,Tears are flowing and the past is in high def stream... ) Like My final exceptance and stepping out to some hasn't been hard enough and brought enough new depression and anxiety into my life here is the past biting me in the ass...

    Ok I am dealing with the new anxiety, Oh its so much better My wife oh she's just tickled about having the ex back in my life ( some one just shoot me please ) , Ok I am feeling a little better getting this out as well , see it is so much better to get things out then leave them to fester within....

    I will keep you all posted and updated on the future twistes and turns in this new path I travel down..... And No I am still going to follow through with letting me be me.... I cant go back into hiding mearely because I have been side swipped by this bus.

  22. stephani

    just for laughs

    By stephani,

    I was just wanting to change the post I have in here, What are some things that make you laugh, I really am interedted I love to listen to things that are humorous anything to get my mind off of life in general..We all have so much going on that we have to retreat to a funny place and have a good chuckle I think that dane cook is really funny also I like to listen to Jeff Dunham he the one that has all the puppets I really like penut and a few of the others like walter he's the bitter old bastard he's really funny.....something about a guy with his hand up a dolls butt that is just humorous in itself..

    I really like to listen to George callin once in sedona Arizona my mother had met him and his wife ( wish I had been there ) George's sence of humor is right on with life in general its only to bad that we are no longer going to hear his insites but he's in a better place ( wherever that may be ) My mother said they are really down to earth people its always nice to hear that even those we look up to can still hold life in its place..( can we all say that )

    I also like Carlos Mencia he's really funny in my mind..nothings off limits and I love that I really hate those people who think we all have to be so politicly correct thats just crap we are not meant to be so sensative that we belittle those we are talking about hay we all are what we are and we know that fact why poosy foot around things I respect honesty more than I respect a person that thinks they have to be PC with me listen I am a woman and Unfortunatly I was born in the wrong wrapper If you want to call me a freek then so be it in your mind I am that doesn't make it so I am a person and I have been this way all my life no doubts about this fact..I am not ashamed of who I am so why should I be ashamed of a few words..Hay they are just words letters put together to form an expression so what who cares I dont..Do you?


    If you let them get to you you need to take a long look and reaccess your state of mind, We can all rise above these things if we just dont take them so serious hence humor the way out laugh at them no one would think they got to you if you laugh and say thats funny what else you have I needed a good laugh thanks...just like the bully in school kind of hard to beat you up if your not affraid of them..There power over you is then taken away and you win thats the hole point in humor hey if we can laugh at ourself then they have no ammunition to use against us....


    a bit off track...



    I am here I am there I am all around I am one I am all I make you glad I make you sad I am life I can be hard I can be easy..but to all I am humorous in my own way..Lifes funny that way...
  23. stephani

    Ok another day In

    By stephani,

    Ok ladies and gentlemen, Another day in this fight to survive I feel as though it is getting harder and more of a pessure to make it to the next day, these things we do have us under the vise they seem to me to be an at times unbairable , the anxiety pressing us into the ground and crushing the very air we breath out of our bodies Is this just me do I stand alone in this I think not I feel that it must be part of this struggle it must be because why would I feel this way if it wasn't part of the way My brain suffers through life struggles with the fact that this body is wrong it is not the way it should be It has to coep with this in such a way that I feel it just has no other release then to way heavy on my heart to crush my chest with the wieght of what seems to be an elephant, at some times the weight of the world......Is their some sort of release can the transition help with these facts of life that we suffer through or are these just things we will suffer from for the rest of our lives ? Can HRT help with this.....God I hope so because this Is just becoming to much to take .....I am becoming tierd of the fight ....I cant give up the fight I deserve to be myself Dont I? I think so so I have to make it to the otherside I know that life wont get any easier it will simply change to a diffrent form as I will after transition..But will the transition take this wieght from my heart ? GOD Give me the stength to make it to tomorrow....




    Tomorrow is on the way
    Tomorrow is here today
    Tomorrow is yet another day away
    Tomorrow is come agian
    Tomorrow is so far away
    Tomorrow is crushing me
    Tomorrow is holding me
    Tomorrow is taunting me
    Tomorrow is teasing me
    Tomorrow is mocking me

    Why do you run to Tomorrow
    I must catch Tomorrow for it is just a day away....

    S.P
  24. stephani
    What might you be thankful for I know that as the years go on I become less and less thankful for things....I mean life kicks us around and then plays with us like we were a big ball of twine and it was a giant putty tat just batting us around one time I would love to take life and beat it into submision...I know thats a bigger pipe dream then me becoming pregnant but yet another dream to the wind and another year behind us.....Isnt this just wonderful we try to go along with the rules and we still hit the preverbial wall full force face first...(SLAMMM) dazed and confused as to what the heck just happend we get back up and try it again next time we make it a little farther but yet again ( BAMM ) right in the kisser ...These lips can only take so much before they yell uncle... maybe thats what they want us to do just yell uncle give up....NOPE cant do it I guess I am just a gluttin for punishment but I am going to make the goals I have set for myself and then I might have something to write about to be thankful for I know you woke up today you should be thankful for that ( Why ) can you honestly tell me what is is that makes waiking up so special I should thank my lucky stars I did it again....No didnt think so but yes I have done it I woke up to take another bite out of lifes ankle....not to much meat on that nobbey thing but I make my mark none the less.....dragg me along this path and I will get up to swing again carry me to the end and I will sing your praises....I'm waiting no one to carry me God knows life isn't gona pick us up and carry us to our appionted possitions....so onward upward and outward we must go into lifes little torcher pit, watch the skys for the next gray cloud looms in the distance...take note that you can to make it through to bite life in the pervebial arse.....gotcha ...dont let go take that ride for a bit longer and make it to the next sunny day is all I can say... I do suppose I have one thing to be thankful for THIS FORUM...Its been a life saver so Thank you ladies and gentlemen....have a good thanksgiving and a great christmas If I dont hear from you all by then....LOVE YA GUYS...
  25. stephani

    These things we all do

    By stephani,

    These things we do to make our lives better Well not better persay but make it to were we can just live life without the constant pain and torment within our selves..Can getting the help from therapists and doctors make our lives livable Yes I do believe they can I have to think thats why we are forced to rely on them to transition..I know that we can transition without the normal route but with limited success and still the ever constant crush from life so what is the better of the two evils...Hummm Not sure but I will try the path to the left It will be hard to open up to those that will decide my fate but I must think that they to are just looking out for me and my best interests...I have to hold onto that notion for my fate rests in their hands....




    Take me Into your arms and hold me close
    show me the love only you can show and give me the things that I need to survive..
    These things that make me who I am
    those who can help take me into your lives and show me you care
    those who wish me Ill them away with you forever
    never to hurt me again
    away to you those demonds that will threaten my souls very existance with your ill words and bitter ways
    away with you
    take the knowledge that I will survive and make this life I hold so dear better for my struggles
    greater with my tears and fuller with those that shair in my pain....
    To those who fall before I arrive I bid you bitersweet regret
    For I never met one so dear
    for I never knew your true name
    for I never spoke to your heart
    for I never held your hand through the journey
    I hold you dear to my heart for I hold your pain
    for I know your sorrow and with your help I will make this journey for you....In your name I vowe to make the next in line understand why we make this path less traveled together
    Why we must take hand and heart together for if not we are sure to fall as you...my dear sweet friend we will all make this journey for you.
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