KittenNikki

BIG BIG HUGGLES.

I know I freak you out to when we're in bed and I just get up after a noise and don't say much. Sorry I get into 'protect' mode and just go after it especially if I'm sleepy. 

I don't know that we'll ever get over that. You know how paranoid I am about locking our doors when I wasn't before. That's part of it.

 

He does make it way harder on himself and everyone else around him. I'm hoping the therapy helps

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Thank you for being there through my little meltdown. It helped me a whole lot. 

​Thanks very much Steph. I hope things turn around for you.

 

​Thank you! I am. Had a great weekend with Bree, went out for birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse and saw Batman v Superman along with lots of Bree time, so very much on a better wavelength.

 

​The person I need to talk to about it wasn't there and won't be until this week, so I'm giving it a shot. 

I am sorry that I put all that on you. That is my fault and when I realized I'd screwed up royally I couldn't quite figure out how to talk to you about it. Obviously the way you found out was not how I wanted it to go, but I'm finding it easier to broach things now and talk so that's good. You've been amazing as always and I didn't quite mean that to be as big a bombshell on you about sex as it happened especially since you've had to work with a broken Nikki the last five years or so. 

I think we were both in a very different headspace when we met than we are now, but knowing what I know now I absolutely would have told you back then. It's only fair.

hugs

I do think that's a big reason why it's hard to describe my feelings on things a lot of the times is there just haven't been any. I'm just kind of cruising through all of this and know I should feel it, but just do't and have been kind of on cruise control with no idea how to switch it off. I am glad you had that talk with me cause the more we talk the more I figure this out with you. I'm kind of awful at working things out in my head, especially since I don't really seem to be able to muddle through. 

I didn't know you were on them either. I'm sorry your parents were such slugs about getting you off the wrong and trying another one though. That had to be tough. 

Definitely going to talk to my doctor about it and see what she thinks as far as what to try. I guess wanting to feel again is a good step at least and better than just shrugging it off. I want to be the smiling Nikki that use to hang around you.

*hugs*

I'm not entirely sure it's all option A, but more of a variation on that. There's a lot there where when I dress as a woman it's more me dressing and presenting in how I want to look like and how I'd like to represent myself as a woman, not necessarily what I think a woman should look like, but what I should look like as a woman. Yes there's a lot with the physicality of it all right now, but I think I also haven't been really able to explore that at all. I know I'm terrible at really communicating these thoughts of mine and I'm working on it. It's not something I've really had to do externally and I've never been very good at the whole sharing thing and that's all on me. I know you and I kind of touched on this in conversations outside of here and they weren't exactly the most enlightening either way, but I kind of had that little epiphany when I started writing a reply here.

I guess I'm working on all of this in stages. Since you and I talked and decided that HRT and full on transition is out and I'm going to limit this to dressing and being with you in either mode and as I need it to help, I guess I kind of concentrated on the dressing end of things and ways to make me look more like a girl when I'm in girl mode. I do need to work on expressing myself better and opening up to you more, but I kind of jumped on the dressing and looking the part first. As you like to say, I tend to focus on fixing things rather than going over it all.

I absolutely want to get more of my feelings and thoughts out and I think those moments we've had when we've gone out and the lunch date we're going to today are going to be a huge part of that. I have huge butterflies about all of this right now and I'm not backing out but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have some trepidation about going out to lunch with you in girl mode. 

I do want to thank everyone for continuing to talk to me and Bree on this and share your experiences, thoughts and support. It means an awful lot to the both of us.

Well it did take a hit when I had the radiation treatments and for like a year after got everything that came at me. My immune system has bounced back though and is ready to take it all on!  Except apparently this one. Which reminds me, time to take some of that Dayquil in case. 

Gotta defend the sick Bree.

Hi Emma, thanks for the concern on my welfare, but Bree is right on the money with this. Since I'm basically fluctuating here she and I talked about it and it's perfectly fine for her to use the male pronoun. I'm completely ok with this as right now my boy mode days far out number the girl mode days. We both had long discussions over this as she's been extremely sensitive to my needs on things and given what I think is going on and my feelings she's using the right one. 

The buyone for me get one for her rule is one I also really agree with. It's something that we carried over from the video games and everything else anyway. When I spend money on myself she gets to spend later on herself if there's nothing she wants at the time. Given that she wants me more involved in clthing options for her to get her wearing things I want to see her in, the buy one for me get one for her model works beautifully. 

I do appreciate the worry, but these are things she and I discussed and given how amazing she's been with me over this even with her own issues to work through I'm more than willing to work with her on a few things to and the buying 1 to 1 rule works for me.

You are incredibly sweet, and I have to agree, you really bring the most out of me at any given moment and I love you for it.

​I can hardly blame you for that. Plus I'm still suffering sticker shock from the pricing on that. 

With all our bills right now unfortunately electrolysis will be a long way off if ever. 

​Not to derail this, but I wanted to share the forms I got. I ended up getting the Motowatar forms and got them for the sale price of $65, which I felt was a really good deal. I didn't want to spend a lot on them because I am trying to lose a significant amount of weight and would want to invest in another pair that's better sized for wherever I'm at that point.

Big hugs to my Bree. I'm sorry you were hurty and I was stuck at work.