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Karen's thoughts

A blog by KarenPayne in General

  • Entries

    261

  • Comments

    690

  • Views

    129,794

About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

Approval for bottom surgery, why???

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year. Here is the deal, feeling trappe

Post Surgery report 3

Had problems sleeping last night but got around three hours then awake for one then slept for about four hours. The pain during those hours was fairly intense until my friend woke up and gave me my meds. After the medication was taken I almost feel like I am back to myself unlike yesterday after medication was taken I was still in pain. Right now the pain is almost non-existing. It's just before 5 AM which means five hours to go for my post-operation checkup. I can easily see myself back to work

Bra fitting and thongs

My best female friend planned this morning to visit Macy's and Nordstrom's for me having a bra fitting. The first stop ended up at Nordstrom's where she knew one of the people there which has been fitting bras for almost ten year. As luck was on our side she was just finishing up with another customer so I was introduced to her and told her what I was looking for, an everyday bra with no underwire. She brought me back into a fitting room, had me take off my top and then measured me up. She then

Two moments out of my week

Moment 1 Just went to an appointment for some skin care treatment at a spa. As they are going through my medical history they ask, are you on birth control (I give a ever so slight smile), I said no, then ask (and I would thought this question would be first) have you been through menopause? I said no (big smile inside). At the end of the consultation we shared war stories of breast augmentation, she with breast reduction, me, well yeah no it was the opposite. During the consultation she asked w

Mother daughter phone chit-chat brings memories

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing. Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old. One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the k

Great weekend

This past weekend I spent with a group like minded people who love driving Mazda Miata's. Friday we drove what the average person would consider a dangerous drive where in 19 miles there are 170 turns where the majority are marked at 20 MPH and we took them a good deal faster (the fastest was 70 MPH and the average was 45 MPH). Friday evening we have a group dinner with about 120 people. Saturday we drove two drives, one in the morning and one in the afternoon (Friday's drive was an all day even

This should be interesting

We all entertain our worst nightmares when stepping out the door the first time in broad daylight dressed entirely as a female all the while contemplating who others will perceive us. Hopefully over time this subsides and it's all second nature. At my young age of 59 being a tactical instructor I was never concerned about my safety, only that of someone who might want to hurt me for their well-being after the fact which did happen the second week post surgery where in the end the police compleme

Female Voice

I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is

Difficulties

Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with. Is it possible to change everyone’

The current landscape

With the elections over and seeing many in the transgender community worried what it's going to be like with the new president which really nobody can say for sure it might be prudent to consider worst case scenarios. If I didn't have a passport this would be a wake up call to obtain one as at the current time for some it turns out to be difficult and in the future it may be even more difficult. Medical needs and prescriptions, what can happen is of course unknown but consider worst case, those

Metamorphosis

Been on hormones for close to two years now and beginning to notice a difference in my brain from normal patterns of feeling unlike before and not certain how to put the changes into words even though I recognize not a subtle change but like dropping off a cliff. This involves general thought processes and emotions yet the emotional aspect has been changing small amounts over the entire time I have been on hormones. So far there is nothing negative in regards to the changes in my brain, only pos

What's new

It's been a while since visiting here, little has changed other than being asked to work for a global/major tech company several weeks ago which I have accepted. Yes they know my past and that is not an issue. I've always said that work hard and have a determination no matter what gender you are will get you places. Sadly there are many companies who discriminate against anyone who is not cisgender but that will only change when those of us who are not classified cisgender refuse to lay down and

Time passes

It's been away since visiting this site and would have been longer accept for getting several email messages for posts I have subscribed too. The main reason for not being here is life is good and with nearly three years post-op I go months without even thinking about transgenderism. It use to be a daily thought because is took time for my new life to settle in. What's not to like? Well when out in the backcountry of Oregon with the Miata club I drive with when there are no port-a-pott

Looking back on 2016

Reflecting back on the year 2016 I've very pleased with the decisions I've made and new friendships made. Now it's time to see what happens as hormones progress changes to my physical and mental attributes as most know as years go by hormones tend to incrementally change one's behaviorism and I have noticed in the past several months a noticeable change not per-say in moods but how I react to things and events that several years ago I would had reacted totally different than today. Thinking abou

Thoughts on passing while out walking

I was out walking and thinking about passing and a post of dressing properly when out in the world. Thinking back to what was preached by long time crossdressers about “it gets better when you get out more” in respect to confidence in that one will pass. Thinking about this I have seen plenty of women that I could imagine with small changes in regards to physical characteristics would pass as male so why do those (and I was there too at one time) who see themselves as passing or close to pass

Girls night out

One of the woman I work with stopped me and asked if I would like to go out with the other woman in my section. There are six of them that every week they go out to dinner and have drinks. She said that they all discussed should they ask me, all of them have known me for years in my former male life so they kind of know what I am like. Any ways they all agreed that I should be asked. From the short chat with had it really sounds like it could very well be a good time and get in with these

Body shape and clothing thoughts

My best female friend pointed out to me recently that even when I was male that she perceived me as female because to her, my body structure/shape was that of a female which she kept to herself for a long time. She went on to say that I did not need makeup because of this fact. Note, one does not have to be gorgeous to come off as female, heck I see myself as average no matter what I am told. Over the past year we would go out clothes shopping, the first thing that stuck in my head was how she

Unprepared but all is fine

I had nothing on my agenda today so off to the mall to browse around. After entering the mall through Macy's my phone rings, look down and it's my son. So I answer the phone and he says "happy father's day". We chat, here ask how things are going in Oregon (he is in California). I did the usual, everything is fine then tell him about my transition. My expected response did not come which would be something like "why" but instead he asked questions which I answered and he seems fine with what I a

Post Surgery report 4

At my post surgery appointment I was told all looked fine. There will be at least four more visits/check-ups. They were very surprised when my female friend reported that I had taken only twenty-five percent of the pain killers since surgery and said most patients take all the medication.  They gave me Lipikar Baue AP creme which helps restore skin's hydrolipidic layer for my breast. My current pain level is under 1 using 1 to 10 scale  

This time tomorrow I will have my own breast

In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different. Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due

Hours later after surgery

I am going to be short here and write more later. Arrived at hospital for check-in at 6AM then taken back to undress and have a few test and various people coming in to explain things to me. Marci arrived around 7:30AM and drew on my throat. About 8:15 was wheeled into the operating room and put under. As I suspected I remember nothing, awake at around 3:30PM. Taken to my room and left there for about 10 minutes which time a nurse came in indicating she was on shift for one hour and another n

Grocery store then Adult book store...

I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in. So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him whil

Are you okay today, how about tomorrow

Every once in a while I get tired around lunch time at work and luck that I park my car in the underground garage in my building. So I went down to take a nap and as I am falling asleep I am thinking it's been four months since gender reassignment surgery and started going back in time thinking, self-evaluating how life has been treating me. My conclusion was that there is nothing negative at all about me changing gender and little to no complaints in other aspects of my life. I believe one reas

Confidence

Prior to perusing my current path to transition I did many things correct except one thing which was to try and fit in better. The main reason was, I was sure surgery would not be an opinion as it seems the Benjamin standards were to strict for me in that I wanted to not fully come out yet still have surgery and then come out in the future. I was sure this would work for me but several therapists did not see it that way. With that, I decided surgery would not happen and did not worry about manne

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