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Karen's thoughts

A blog by KarenPayne in General

  • Entries

    261

  • Comments

    690

  • Views

    129,830

About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

The current landscape

With the elections over and seeing many in the transgender community worried what it's going to be like with the new president which really nobody can say for sure it might be prudent to consider worst case scenarios. If I didn't have a passport this would be a wake up call to obtain one as at the current time for some it turns out to be difficult and in the future it may be even more difficult. Medical needs and prescriptions, what can happen is of course unknown but consider worst case, those

Intangibles and the brain

Recently, in the past two weeks I have noticed my brain is working differently than in the past. I labeled this entry intangibles because as per the definition it is hard to touch on. It all began last week, there was something that felt different in my thoughts. Sometimes I was razor sharp with the task at hand but other times I was off in my own little world. The only thing that makes sense is that this is a cumulative effect of being o hormones. I am truly thinking more like a cisgender femal

Thoughts on passing (again)

I’ve recently joined a closed group on Facebook where the majority of male to female members will post pictures of themselves and ask if they pass physically. Just about every since member who post and ask if they are passable indeed passable.  Having been on this journey would like to offer a small piece of advice which is forget about passing physically and focus on your female voice. When I or any heterosexual male or female encounters a female without thinking “are they really female” expect

Thankful

I am thankful for many things today. Heading off to a friend's home to spend Thanksgiving. Not looking to the driving but love this family as the entire family has been super supportive of me. The children range between 16 and 25, when I told them they said we support and never talk about me as a male, the female says I have great fashion sense and we even talk about girl stuff. The mother flew down to California to be with me the day of surgery and two days afterwards. She was also there for me

Your on candid camera

When a person cross dresses and in the closet they don't want to be found out. The person sneaks out dressed or goes out in their cisgender clothing and changes someplace else. Having this know for those who sneak out from their home an an opportune time have you considered neighbors with surveillance monitors/cameras? Of course not knowing circumvents sneaking out where this may or may not matter depending on the climate in their area, are neighbors okay with this or not and if not is ther

Simply horrible

While performing some research I came across a memorializing for 2015 for trans-people who were murdered because they were different and society perpetuates the core problem which truly needs to change in the home before we see a drop in murders. Some of the deaths were horrendous, being run over by a vehicle multiple times, being stoned to death, burned to death, strangulation.  I was not surprised which countries the murders happened and kind of numb in regards to how these murders were done w

Don't confine yourself

Before gender reassignment surgery one of the things that help me make my time in the wrong anatomy bearable was setting up a home studio where I could get away from the world. I could justify the cost which was done over many years to a rough sum of $20,000 because I have always played guitar and piano. Guitars along accounted for $5,000 where I have all but one which was sold recently to a guitar collector out of state. Over the past year I even managed to setup guitar amps and a revolving set

Good cause

I noticed WarrenG wrote in his status a link to assist him in his funding for surgery. Like Warren, many require this and think it is commendable he is reaching out to our community for support. Every little bit helps in such a cause and if you have a few dollars to spare would have you consider this as a way of assisting. Donate here http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand For the record I made my donation today.

Shadows of my former self

Usually when I write an entry here it's done with some clarity but shoot from the hip meaning, sit down and write. Today the following sounded like something that needed to get out but when starting to type was very unsure how to express what I wanted to get out. So with that said it may read a bit disjointed but I will leave that to whomever decides to read on. Today is rather interesting in how the day has gone mostly in ways I am attributing to my hormone regiment. Just now sitting on the

Looking back on 2016

Reflecting back on the year 2016 I've very pleased with the decisions I've made and new friendships made. Now it's time to see what happens as hormones progress changes to my physical and mental attributes as most know as years go by hormones tend to incrementally change one's behaviorism and I have noticed in the past several months a noticeable change not per-say in moods but how I react to things and events that several years ago I would had reacted totally different than today. Thinking abou

Karen 1.1

It's been ten months since gender reassignment surgery and during that time had breast augmentation to complete things, so I thought. Although not physical I now know my sports car has changed me a great deal mentally. What follows next can only be seen and heard so stay tuned for a audio/video for the next evolution of Karen 

Physically preparing for GRS

To prepare physically for GRS I decided to stop eating any fast food and only eat fresh veggies and meat purchased the same day I consume it. Running on a NordicTrack at home, lifting lightweights, slamming a punching bag for tone. To be honest out of the past three months devoid of fast food I do not feel any healthier but have notice I am constant in bowel movements. Lastly, I only drink coffee and water. I had elective surgery in 2010 and 2011 were I did the same thing and healed up quick

Electrolysis today

At my electrolysis appointment this morning (still have another this afternoon) we chatted about something which I think is worth passing on. Have my legs and under arms waxed so there are no worries about shaving (yeah it would bother me). She set me up for waxing two days before leaving for California for maximum results. Another thing is that I have used two different women for electrolysis and both use a standard padded board to lie on. This works fine for 98% of areas on the body but whe

K-Y Jelly

I was never told how much K-Y Jelly was needed for after surgery but went out looking at 4oz bottles and noticed they were all over $5 each. Last night while at the grocery store shopping for food decided to see what K-Y Jelly cost there, just over $5 but one shelve down was a store brand which I trust for other medication was $2.10 per bottle. Yep, I grabbed all six bottles, which I get an email back from Marci’s office indicating 6 was plenty. I will be going back to the store today to see if

You can make this stuff up

In my elementary school days there was a bully who would tease me, "hey sissy" or "hey little girl" to no end. When one day a new boy came to class and while walking home the bully started on me and the new boy intervened by knocking the bully on his butt. I remained really good friends with the new kid until several years after high school then reconnected with him on Facebook several years ago. I started counting down the days to GRS but would only post on Facebook that I was heading to Califo

Love this line

I was on another site for trans and cross-dressers and read the following line. The problem is that you can only hold beach ball under water in the deep end of the pool for so long. It eventually will slip out of your hands and rise to the surface. It will probably also hit your chin and hurt you on its way. That is a great line when at least thinking of myself prior to surgery and I am betting many before and after surgery can relate to this. Think I was just about there for the chin shot but h

Ripples have consequences

Directly after my surgery I had a mandatory visit with my doctor who takes care of my current female needs which includes administering my hormones which I wrote about in an earlier entry. Well she changed my dosage and also changed my prescription from every thirty days to every ninety days with an expiration after six months for now as she wants to see how I am doing since surgery which may at that time lower or up the dosage. Why bring this up, only because it seems the doctors want to kee

Be vigilent tonight

We all know all to well that there are people that do not understand gay, lesbian and transgender people. With that said I consider New Year's Eve a time when you just might come in contact with them and if so there is always the chance of what I call "Gang/Group Mentality" where one person may start something and others will join in that would not normally join in if not in a group. Even though I am highly trained things can still go sideways, my guess is most people here are not highly trai
Time

Its been a while

Have not been here for a while. Been working almost everyday assisting people with COVID relief as I work for Oregon Employment department. This week is the first time I've turned on my personal laptop since last March, What prompted coming back here is just a simple update and thoughts on my progress. I think in the past year or so my transition is only thought about when I hear or see something on television. Otherwise I never think about my transition. Been really bad about dil

It's a slippery slop

I was responding to a post titled Courage of Being Transgender in Public and decided not to respond there as my response seemed better off as a blog entry, more visibility. I have no issues passing and if I was not passable I would still had gone through my journey. Sure it's nice to pass and not be mis-gendered but focus should be on what makes you feel proper.  For some Vaginoplasty is the only option, others might go with Orchiectomy and in rare cases Penectomy. Vaginoplasty needs two therap

New tattoo

Yesterday morning I was thinking about covering up one tat for another and got lucky, the artist told me she is backed up until mid September but had a cancelation so about one hour later I had a dolphin covered up and a butterfly in it's place. Since the new tat is on my back need to get a friend to take a picture which I will post when that happens. Went for coffee this morning and the girl there took a picture for me. Any ways now have butterflies and flowers on left and right side on my uppe

Current events

Yesterday I am walking up to my work area, a woman stops me and ask if she didn’t mind me asking a personal question. Since I have only seen her (there are over 1,000 employees) and not worked with her I figured it’s one of the following stock questions, where did you purchase your shoes or something along the line of transitioning. My perspective was if it’s about my transition (which nobody has mentioned in over eight months) it’s fine as she seems like a good person. After saying yes to her
Published

Published

About six months ago my job changed from writing enterprise web applications to now teaching seasoned developers to transition to another ecosystem. While doing this I was asked by a magazine (well a friend recommended me) to do a write up on something that is well worth knowing yet not many have written about. Can't point to the article as its for subscribers only.    

Breast augmentation

I am scheduled for breast augmentation on May 20, 2015. Had my pre-operation appointment today where they went over the highlights from my initial consultation several weeks ago along with what they want me to do the week of surgery and the weeks following surgery. After the appointment I handed over my prescriptions to the pharmacy so they are ready for me well in advance. Specifics, I was interested in a B cup but with their measuring system looks like I will have C cup. Guess I will need to g

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