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Finding Lisa

A blog by LovelyLisa in General

  • Entries

    57

  • Comments

    151

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    27,550

About this blog

MTF currently transitioning to living full-time. Started HRT on 4/18/2015.

Entries in this blog

Updates

Update - 12/6/2016 To say that a lot has happened since I last posted is an understatement. I will post more later. I am currently recovering from FFS surgery on Dec 2nd. I had a brow reduction & lift. Upper eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, fat transfer to the cheeks. Chin reduction and shaping and tracheal shave. Tomorrow I have an appointment to hopefully take some of the stitches out and splint on my nose.. I have been off from work since Dec 1st and will be returning to work as Lisa on Dec 1

Transition Update

My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely. My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport. More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock

Transition Update - Full-time date: 12/19/2016, Name Change, Disclosures

A lot has happened since I last posted. On Friday, I set my full-time date with HR ... 12/19/2016. No significance to the date. It's just a good time to ease into my new routine, because there will be a lot of down-time in the office.. I  have decided on my name, but will not disclose my new full name here until I am near my FT date. Lisa will (continue to) be my first name. I've had it for over 25 years and am used to it. - I met with my VP who was really shocked, but supportive. There will be

Transition Update (Posted on FB - 7/12/2016)

Talked to the HR Director at HQ today (finally) and disclosed that I plan to transition within 6 months. I had typed up a long letter to give to her or read (it was the easiest letter to write ...). But instead of reading it, I decided that she and I would benefit more from a two-way conversation. It went really well. It turned out that a close friend of hers and her family just went full-time (MTF), so she was really, really excited for me, which surprised me. LOL. Anyways, I wanted to feel her

Update ...

Just an update I haven't been on here much. I have been really busy, active. Making steady progress. But I had something that happened to me last night which stopped me cold. I had a guy who I was friends with, who I have chatted with for months, just dump me and cut me out of his life. Being trans*, I have experienced a lot of this over many years. But recently, things had been going really well. So this blindsided me a bit. Anyways, I cried today. I will be okay. It will take some time to get

My Love, My Life

"My Love, My Life" were the words I had inscribed inside my wife's wedding band. I really meant it. She was and is everything to me. I love her so much. A few weeks ago, my wife told me she did not want to be with me anymore. She explained that she is not a lesbian. That she tried, but needs to be with a man and wants to start dating. I knew that she was struggling with my transition and our relationship. Many times in the past, she has said that if I transition, that she would not stay with me.

Keystone Conference 2016

It has been quite awhile since I have updated. A lot has happened over the last two months. Recently I attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, VA which is less than a 2 hour drive for me. I only attended the conference Friday and Saturday, had a wonderful time, a bit tired but learned a lot. My primary reason for attending was to meet with several surgeons and get consultations for FFS. I also wanted to attend the sessions, meet others. Before I arrived to the conference, I did try to ge

The Transition of Others

As the saying goes, "As one transitions, those around them transition as well." I am reminded of this fairly frequently, but more-so this week. My mom and sister have been struggling with my transition. My mother and sister still live in the Northwest Ohio area. I told them of my transition and being transgender at different times. I came out to my sister back in April 2014. I came out to my mom later that year. I have struggled with my gender identity my whole life. My mom was vaguely aware of

New Year 2016

This week I had to work, but I was able to reflect a bit on what was a difficult last three years or so. It's seems as though just in the last three weeks as I have stabilized, I have been able to focus, be more task-oriented, yet be able to look forward, plan and conceptualize what my future might look like or what may be possible. It is always difficult to say what will happen. Yet I won't let that deter me from making sound plans for myself that are achievable. I have a few focus areas for ne

Holidays, Closure and Looking Ahead to 2016

Had another good week. I feel like a survivor but I want to be more than that. This week I closed out a project that I had led for almost 2.5 years. It was extremely difficult and often went from one crisis to the next. Unfortunately, several of us paid a price personally because of this project. We either suffered due to the personalities that we were subject to or had to make extreme personal sacrifices in order to be successful. Several of us had mental breakdowns because it would be too much

Great week...looking forward to the future.

I had a good week last week and this one is turning out to be just as good. First, I finally feel stabilized on my meds over a week ago. This past weekend I met up will a large group of ladies for a Christmas party at the Marriott. That was nice. I posted one of my pictures. My job is going well. I am feeling good and in good shape. Everything seems to be better. I am mentally strong again. I hope that all is well with everyone. Happy Holidays, --Lisa

Update

It has been awhile since I last posted. I ended up having more issues with anxiety and depression in Oct and Nov. Though, I feel like I am finally coming out of it. Work was really stressful the last couple of months, which did not make things any better. My productivity over the last month has been great and everyone is pleased, but the environment I work in is difficult at best. On a positive note, I posted some updated photos of me. I've lost a considerable amount of weight and am filling in

Update - Anxiety

I am still battling anxiety and depression. But the meds are clearly helping. Three weeks ago I was barely able to function. Now my head is above water again. Though last weekend and Monday and Wednesday were rough. Today was a little rough as well. But Tuesday was amazing. I finally snapped out of it. I was sitting at my desk, just thinking to myself "this is what normal people must feel like." I don't ever remember feeling that good for years. I probably should have been anxiety / anti-depress

Update - Anxiety

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a rut this summer. The intense anxiety that I experienced in April came back on Tuesday. I had it all day into Wednesday morning. Almost went to the ER. I cried all day long. I did get Xanax and Zoloft. It will take a couple of months to get my levels right, I'm sure. I feel better at the moment, but it comes and goes. I had problems on Thursday, Friday and today. I know what the reason is. Gender Dysphoria. I don't know exactly

Funeral

These last few months, I've been in a rut. A real rut. And on occasion this rut is deep, dark and I've had claw myself out of it. Thankfully, I've had friends who have been pulling me out of it, checking on me even though I have not asked for help. Often there is a great deal of shame in admitting that I need help, pride that I  can conquer things on my own and also the feeling like I am troubling others with my problems. Though there are times where we all must walk alone with only the Lord Jes

Summer

Warning - this is a boring post. Thank goodness, lol! I am doing better since my last post. Things have stabilized.  I talked with my wife today and she was warm and reaffirming. I've been biking a lot. I rode 50 miles yesterday and almost 80 miles today with a friend from my support group. I am getting ready for the Reston Century in two weeks. Still have more work to do, if I am going to make it. But I feel better about my chances. I did go to my therapist appt two weeks ago, but have missed a

Update

I feel much better. It took me a couple of days to emerge from the mental crater left behind from my meltdown a week ago. Work and a business trip, took my mind off of things for a while. It was the perfect medicine for what ailed me which I knew would be the case. I had to buy sports bras because running has become painful. 2 for $20 from Costco. Breasts are a pain in the a$$, but I'll take them. Lol! I am almost a size B which is crazy. My left breast is growing faster than my right. I don't w

Meltdown

I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit. Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears

Update on HRT, Coming Out

So far no mood swings but my nipples and breasts are swollen. I started estrogen about a month and a half ago and I cannot believe the change. I will need to start wearing a sports bra when I exercise. It is unbelievable. I have gone up at least one size. My mom and sister are big on top, so I don't know if that applies to me. However the changes have been really quick, so much so it is a little concerning. I went to a water park today and I had people looking at me. My son, who is 6 years old,

Just upped my dosage.

My dosage of Estradiol has been increased. I am looking forward to the changes that come with that. So far I've noticed the following changes: - Overall, I am much more calm and patient. Though, because I haven't transitioned yet and feel kind of trapped I get impatient and angry. - I am much more focused. More than I have been my whole life! - Overall, I sleep much better at night. I can sleep 12, 13, 14 hours straight if I really need it. I was totally unable to do that before. Though, lately

Update

It has been about a month on hormones, all-in-all things have been going well, better. The meds have had a calming and emotionally stabilizing affect on me. However, self-doubts have crept in. It was particularly difficult this past weekend. Where I feel like I am throwing my life away, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts. And I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why I am where I am. Things don't happen for an accident. I've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and have been deali

Update

Over two weeks on hormones. Had my second laser treatment. Had my sixth electrolysis appoint. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well .... this is a long road I have picked to travel. I feel as though I am in limbo. I have scheduled weekly electrolysis appointments and finally after about 9 weeks, I am getting a little regrowth. Not so much that it is discouraging. I had a long talk with my sister recently about the fact that I was on hormones. The one thing that I keep going back to is that I feel sooo m

Update - Hormones

I had a little bit of an odyssey this weekend filing my prescription. So even though I received the script on Wednesday, I was not able to fill it until today (wow). It's amazing, but it hardly cost me a thing. 2 months of Estradiol and 1 month of Spironolactone for $25 through Costco. So I took Estradiol for the first time today. Just a 1 MG pill, but felt a little different immediately after for about 15 to 20 mins. Not sure what that was about. I had an empty stomach. Also, the Dr. asked that

Update - Therapy

I went to my therapist today. Scheduled an appointment for June 18th in five weeks. I told her how things were going and the progress that I've made. It was more of an update and encouragement. She did provide me a signed copy of a safety letter. I am going to scan it and make copies. One thing we talked about is my wife. Saturday night, she asked me what I was doing, that me transitioning was affecting her psychologically and that she was having difficulty focusing and burying herself in her vo

Update - Hormones

I had my followup appointment today after my bloodwork on April 29th, which was to confirm my potassium and electrolyte levels were not being adversely affected by the spironolactone. Everything was normal. The doctor asked me if I was still going to a therapist and I said that I was, tomorrow. We also talked more about my plans. I told him that I was not out at work yet, that it would take a while. That my wife was taking it hard but that she supports me (to an extent). I told him that I wanted

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