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More of my Flowing thoughts

A blog by ScottishDeeDee in General

  • Entries

    59

  • Comments

    262

  • Views

    52,704

About this blog

So I tend to blog on Wordpress on a Monday, if you want to kind of catch up with my brain from the start than that is the place to go: (https://wordpress.com/pages/ironicissues.wordpress.com)

For those who just do not have the time!

I am Dee, I live in a very rural part of Scotland, I started questioning my gender after going to a Halloween D&D party last year as a female character and realising at the end of the night that I did not want to take the costume off! Cue lots of searching and questioning and eventually I understood that I do not fit with the description of cis-gender. I do not emotionally or socially identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, so I concluded that I must be Trans - although I am still asking questions as I try and decide what to do with the information!

Entries in this blog

Coming Out

Life Update

Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome!
GIC

Well Chuffed!

Or absolutely delighted for those that need a translator.😆😁   I had my 3 month check up with my gender clinic, and while I don't get told what my levels are, unless there is a complication which needs to be explained the assumption is that the professionals will just deal with what needs to happen. My blood was taken, and the doctor agreed when I said I had put on over Christmas not to weigh me until my next appointment in March (phew!) and my patch dosage was increased up to the next
Family

The times they are a changing! 🎶

After popping down for another session of electrolysis, making it the 3rd week in a row, this time I was lying on the table for 5.5 hrs and did not leave the spa until twenty to one in the morning. I was up at 8am for parkrun so neither of us was getting much sleep. Before the visit I popped into the closest decent sized chemists and tried to get my estradiol prescription filled. The pharmacist passed a comment about my address and I said I spent most of my weekends down here so it was easi
GIC

What a wonderful week!

Ten hrs of electrolysis, unexpectedly getting my ears pierced. Buying the first binder for my NB child and feeling so happy when they told me that they feel comfortable talking to me about gender stuff, and then this afternoon I was given the ok to start HRT. My prescription will get sent to my house and then I can get it filled anywhere I like!!! Tonight after seeing a colleague tweet that they were an ally and a safe space on Nationalcomingoutday I sent them a wee message saying I was tra
GIC

HRT Prep and trying to use my female voice

So yesterday I travelled down the road for an appointment at the GIC to get my weght and bloods taken in preparation for an appointment this coming Monday when I will hopefully get the go ahead to start HRT.   I had a friend and my son with me so they got to witness the process of me wearing my Dee clothes under a baggy hoody to leave the house and then finishing the transformation in a layby.   I dropped my friend off near his house and my son and I chatted while we waited i
Counselling

Over the moon!

I have just finished my 3rd video meeting with the psychologist in Sandyford clinic. This is the part that most smaller Gender Identity Clinics in Scotlaand have no say over and there have been 3 months between each apppointment.  I have dressed as myself the entire time, but oh how times have changed!  The first meeting I remember having a chair against the door in case my son got back from school while I was on the call, this time he is off school isolating and sitting watching TV an
Coming out to teenagers

Telling my Teenage Children

This weekend I have finally told my children that I am transgender. It has been emotionally exhausting, but overall pretty much what I expected. My daughter is 13, diagnosed with Autism and my son is 14 and also diagnosed with Autism, they are both in mainstream school, both have ADHD and are both very different people. My daughter is extremely creative, and my son is extremely structured and likes routines and stability. So.... My daughter called me midweek asking my views on the
Counselling

Second meeting with my Psychologist

Today was my 2nd Sandyford appointment. Sandyford is the gender clinic that has to confirm a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order for me to be prescribed hormone treatment. This time the whole thing was far more relaxed and seemed a lot less confrontational.  I wrote my in depth thoughts here: https://ironicissues.wordpress.com/2021/06/07/sandyford-2-this-time-its-personal/ if you want to know what we talked about, or even know my thoughts as I write most weeeks. Effectively though
Coming Out

Finally told my mum

Well, I finally did it! Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not  know if she would understa
Mood

Being Seen

I often wonder whether or not I am doing the right thing The realisation and accpetance that I am trans and living and moving in the wrong social circles has stopped a lot of the huge feelings of self doubt and uncertainty that I have lived with for most of my life. I know that transitioning for me is not because I could not continue to live the way I am now. I have always found a way to keep on placing one foo
Mood

The way its aye been

This may not be as much of a big deal for anyone outside of the UK but I needed to work out my thoughts and I think the world is predominantly Patriarchal.   In the UK since International Womens day and the horrific news story of Sarah Everard being murdered (and subsequently a police officer being arrested for it) my news feeds have been absolutely filled with women talking out about the systemic violence and abuse that they suffer at the hands of men, some talked about curfews for me
Transitioning through NHS in Scotland

NHS Scotland GIC Update

I have been given my virtual appointment for Sandyford on 8th March. This is the formal step I need to go through to gain access/permission to start HRT, people may not know it but my understanding is that there are only 4 Gender Identity Clinics for the whole of Scotland. Sandyford in Glasgow, Chalmers in Edinburgh, then smaller clinics in Aberdeen and Inverness. Sandyford & Chalmers are the only ones that can confirm HRT and then everyone in Scotland has to have another psychological
Mood

Don't judge!

Honestly, I spend most of my life telling other people not to judge others; both professionally and personally, and yet I was caught out doing it this weekend. I have 4 sisters, 2 older and 2 younger, the older sisters I see regularly and have kept up to date about my questioning and gender counselling and they have been very supportive even though they have never seen me as particularly feminine. My younger sisters accepted the news when I told them, but I always thought the youngest
Achieving a goal

Dream Achieved

I am struggling to wrap the text around the image so I just punted it below. Here we have an obligatory bathroom selfie to prove that I know how to get dressed, even in a car by the side of the road, and a picture of me just about to enjoy the first ever Oatmilk Latte as DeeDee. I look a state because I was in one, masks and glasses and moving from cold air into warm and wigs and trying to say words I have never spoken in my higher voice.... just...breathe! The Barista put my name
Mood

Bubbling restless energy

This afternoon I cheered myself up  from an emotionally draining morning of work by trying to cut my dysphoria list down. I have whittled out 4 pages which dealt more with emotional connections than direct gender conforming and exception examples, and I have tried to use single sentences rather than explain instances, but it is really hard. I'm skimming through 30-40 years here.   While doing this I have realised that I am really, really wanting to start coming out socially. The i
Counselling

I write too much!

So I have just finished my gender counselling and am in between appointments, so I will need to go and change and wipe any signs of DeeDee away for the day. The psychologist loved my list, she said it effectively sums up my life and ties in my emotions and struggles with gender roles and identities, but she also said while she felt bad she wanted me to cut the list down. She said she looks at it from a psychological perspective and found that even she as getting distracted from the gender a
Dysphoria

My Dysphoria List (may contain triggers)

Most of you will know that I tried to do a list like this at the beginning of last year and struggled to make more than a few bullet points from my childhood that I remember being centred around gender roles and my discomfort with them, but my counsellor has asked me to send it to her before our next session so tonight I thought I would look at it and see what I could remember, I wrote 10 pages!!! 😲 and that's condensing my marriage down to just a sentence or two.   I am still unsure w
Counselling

Just a little vanity :)

Honestly, I just want to commemorate feeling great about myself today lol. As I finished writing up my wordpress blog today I had such a feeling of happiness and well being that even changing back to my black and grey boys clothes and dealing with more school drama, and the cancellation of my online D&D game tonight hasn't quite managed to quash. I look at that picture of me in my kitchen, smiling because of how ridiculous it feels to be balancing a phone on a draw in order to try

Halloween Home cosplay

A few weeks ago I decided to start making a cosplay - for those who don't know cosplay is taking a (usually) fictional character  that you like and recreating their look, folks who have gone to 'cons will have seen hundreds of them. It is effectively like dresing up for a halloween party, but usually tied to an aspect of geek culture instead of horror. I was rewatching the RWBY series recently and was struck by the main charcacter Ruby Rose: Although in

Birthday Blog

I am on my own for birthday, my son was down the road watching his mum remarry and he and my daughter will come to mine for a week tomorrow. I have spent most of this week staying in the house but my toenails are baby blue, my fingernails were sparkly until yesterday and are now coated in clear varnish, but cut back dow. The whole week I have been able to dress as myself and it has been wonderful.   Yesterday I told one of my other long term friends that I am trans. He was gobsmacked b

Taking a deep breath

Yesterday was a long day, my ex mother inlaw came up for an overnight stay. My son has been stressed all week, they are now in what we call the tattie holidays in Scotland (because schools used to give children 2 weeks holiday to go and harvest potatoes (tatties)) so he will be away all week. His stress is because my ex is getting married this coming weekend, and he will be at her wedding and not with me - because it is also my birthday weekend. Next week I will get to have both kids though

How time flies

I have been feeling reflective this morning. (I know, what else is new) It has been a whirlwind of a week and so after I got my son off to school I simply went to bed for an hour or so and dozed. Well, that's not totally true, I changed out of my dad pj's into a cotton nighty and went back to bed and dozed - I didn't even think about it.   Then when I decided to stop being too lazy and get up I tried to decide what to wear, technically today was my day off so I thought... why not

Is the dust settling?

It is interesting to me that after months of being unable to dress in feminine clothing or paint my nails or blogging, even really spending much time online I still haven't gone away from seeing myself as female. A small part of me wondered if I was just desperately trying to fit in and keep myself busy. Being DeeDee here gives me an excuse to trawl through the online shops looking for clothes and shoes and imagining going out in them. Literally this week I have been giving myself pep

Lockdown blues (or pinks?)

I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the oth

Another interesting dream

My dream self seems to have more fun than I do!   I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about.   This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day.   In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy

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