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About this blog

So I tend to blog on Wordpress on a Monday, if you want to kind of catch up with my brain from the start than that is the place to go: (https://wordpress.com/pages/ironicissues.wordpress.com)

For those who just do not have the time!

I am Dee, I live in a very rural part of Scotland, I started questioning my gender after going to a Halloween D&D party last year as a female character and realising at the end of the night that I did not want to take the costume off! Cue lots of searching and questioning and eventually I understood that I do not fit with the description of cis-gender. I do not emotionally or socially identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, so I concluded that I must be Trans - although I am still asking questions as I try and decide what to do with the information!

Entries in this blog

Who moved the goals?

I was just offered some good advice on my main blog and want to stick it somewhere to digest and process it.  Well, it's not really advice, more of a suggestion. I know that I fit the definition of being transgender. Any which way you look at it I am not comfortable in this body of mine.  My main blog is somewhere I update every week - it may not always have the most riveting of content but that is because it is mostly writing for myself. It is where I mull over my week and try to put
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

4

Turning a corner or becoming resigned?

I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable a
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

4

One small step

So today I took another small step forwards. I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me.  I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year.  What a total difference to the last time I tried to call!  Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that woul
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

4
Coming Out

Finally told my mum

Well, I finally did it! Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not  know if she would understa
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Coming Out

4
Achieving a goal

Dream Achieved

I am struggling to wrap the text around the image so I just punted it below. Here we have an obligatory bathroom selfie to prove that I know how to get dressed, even in a car by the side of the road, and a picture of me just about to enjoy the first ever Oatmilk Latte as DeeDee. I look a state because I was in one, masks and glasses and moving from cold air into warm and wigs and trying to say words I have never spoken in my higher voice.... just...breathe! The Barista put my name
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Achieving a goal

4
Transitioning through NHS in Scotland

NHS Scotland GIC Update

I have been given my virtual appointment for Sandyford on 8th March. This is the formal step I need to go through to gain access/permission to start HRT, people may not know it but my understanding is that there are only 4 Gender Identity Clinics for the whole of Scotland. Sandyford in Glasgow, Chalmers in Edinburgh, then smaller clinics in Aberdeen and Inverness. Sandyford & Chalmers are the only ones that can confirm HRT and then everyone in Scotland has to have another psychological

How time flies

I have been feeling reflective this morning. (I know, what else is new) It has been a whirlwind of a week and so after I got my son off to school I simply went to bed for an hour or so and dozed. Well, that's not totally true, I changed out of my dad pj's into a cotton nighty and went back to bed and dozed - I didn't even think about it.   Then when I decided to stop being too lazy and get up I tried to decide what to wear, technically today was my day off so I thought... why not
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

Lockdown blues (or pinks?)

I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the oth
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

Another interesting dream

My dream self seems to have more fun than I do!   I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about.   This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day.   In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

Birthday Blog

I am on my own for birthday, my son was down the road watching his mum remarry and he and my daughter will come to mine for a week tomorrow. I have spent most of this week staying in the house but my toenails are baby blue, my fingernails were sparkly until yesterday and are now coated in clear varnish, but cut back dow. The whole week I have been able to dress as myself and it has been wonderful.   Yesterday I told one of my other long term friends that I am trans. He was gobsmacked b
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

Feeling good!

Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

Of all the things...

I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me.  If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again! Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3

A melancholy moment

Just had a really bizarre moment.   I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question.  I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever. It actually made me tear up a little
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

3
Counselling

I write too much!

So I have just finished my gender counselling and am in between appointments, so I will need to go and change and wipe any signs of DeeDee away for the day. The psychologist loved my list, she said it effectively sums up my life and ties in my emotions and struggles with gender roles and identities, but she also said while she felt bad she wanted me to cut the list down. She said she looks at it from a psychological perspective and found that even she as getting distracted from the gender a
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Counselling

3

Truisms

I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:  
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

A very Happy New Years

In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas.  There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays. It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

Halloween Home cosplay

A few weeks ago I decided to start making a cosplay - for those who don't know cosplay is taking a (usually) fictional character  that you like and recreating their look, folks who have gone to 'cons will have seen hundreds of them. It is effectively like dresing up for a halloween party, but usually tied to an aspect of geek culture instead of horror. I was rewatching the RWBY series recently and was struck by the main charcacter Ruby Rose: Although in
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

Inner Voice

I have been going out and walking/jogging to a couch to 5km app, when I first started in May I had done half a dozen park runs where again I had mostly walked, my motivation was to get out and do something because most of the time I do not want to go out or do anything, I was also putting all the weight back on that I had lost before Christmas last year.  I have some really nice second hand clothes and if I am going to have to come out in front of my friends and family at some point then I want
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

New Glasses

I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy.  I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in th
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

New Ally

I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳 I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know).  Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and ha
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2

Coming out to my baby sisters

This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender.  Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being suck
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

2
Dysphoria

My Dysphoria List (may contain triggers)

Most of you will know that I tried to do a list like this at the beginning of last year and struggled to make more than a few bullet points from my childhood that I remember being centred around gender roles and my discomfort with them, but my counsellor has asked me to send it to her before our next session so tonight I thought I would look at it and see what I could remember, I wrote 10 pages!!! 😲 and that's condensing my marriage down to just a sentence or two.   I am still unsure w
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Dysphoria

2
Family

The times they are a changing! 🎶

After popping down for another session of electrolysis, making it the 3rd week in a row, this time I was lying on the table for 5.5 hrs and did not leave the spa until twenty to one in the morning. I was up at 8am for parkrun so neither of us was getting much sleep. Before the visit I popped into the closest decent sized chemists and tried to get my estradiol prescription filled. The pharmacist passed a comment about my address and I said I spent most of my weekends down here so it was easi
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Family

2

Dee in the City pt 1

I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them. My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee

1
Mood

Bubbling restless energy

This afternoon I cheered myself up  from an emotionally draining morning of work by trying to cut my dysphoria list down. I have whittled out 4 pages which dealt more with emotional connections than direct gender conforming and exception examples, and I have tried to use single sentences rather than explain instances, but it is really hard. I'm skimming through 30-40 years here.   While doing this I have realised that I am really, really wanting to start coming out socially. The i
ScottishDeeDee

ScottishDeeDee in Mood

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