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More of my Flowing thoughts

A blog by ScottishDeeDee in General

  • Entries

    59

  • Comments

    262

  • Views

    52,712

About this blog

So I tend to blog on Wordpress on a Monday, if you want to kind of catch up with my brain from the start than that is the place to go: (https://wordpress.com/pages/ironicissues.wordpress.com)

For those who just do not have the time!

I am Dee, I live in a very rural part of Scotland, I started questioning my gender after going to a Halloween D&D party last year as a female character and realising at the end of the night that I did not want to take the costume off! Cue lots of searching and questioning and eventually I understood that I do not fit with the description of cis-gender. I do not emotionally or socially identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, so I concluded that I must be Trans - although I am still asking questions as I try and decide what to do with the information!

Entries in this blog

How time flies

I have been feeling reflective this morning. (I know, what else is new) It has been a whirlwind of a week and so after I got my son off to school I simply went to bed for an hour or so and dozed. Well, that's not totally true, I changed out of my dad pj's into a cotton nighty and went back to bed and dozed - I didn't even think about it.   Then when I decided to stop being too lazy and get up I tried to decide what to wear, technically today was my day off so I thought... why not

Rediscovering a musical love

This is one of those quirky hard to define groups I discovered a few years ago and absolutely loved, I bought both albums and listened to them constantly on repeat for ages. Due to spending a lot more time online recently I spotted them again on YT this week and got a lovely surprise! They are still unique and Bunny looks incredible! It seems that a few musical bands that I have loved over the years have ended up having a trans member, or have been outspoken trans allies, I wonder if t

Nervous Energy!

On Friday, as soon as my son leaves for school I can pack my car, make the 2.5 hr drive to my sisters, and then the next 2-3 hr drive down to my nieces. If I can then I intend to be Dee when I get in the car, or if not then pretty much from the moment we arrive at my nieces I will unpack and change.   This was suggested ages ago when my niece first found out I was questioning my gender. She did not really understand it, but she very much wanted to show her support. We have always

Who moved the goals?

I was just offered some good advice on my main blog and want to stick it somewhere to digest and process it.  Well, it's not really advice, more of a suggestion. I know that I fit the definition of being transgender. Any which way you look at it I am not comfortable in this body of mine.  My main blog is somewhere I update every week - it may not always have the most riveting of content but that is because it is mostly writing for myself. It is where I mull over my week and try to put

Splitting Hairs

On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫   After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much

Birthday Blog

I am on my own for birthday, my son was down the road watching his mum remarry and he and my daughter will come to mine for a week tomorrow. I have spent most of this week staying in the house but my toenails are baby blue, my fingernails were sparkly until yesterday and are now coated in clear varnish, but cut back dow. The whole week I have been able to dress as myself and it has been wonderful.   Yesterday I told one of my other long term friends that I am trans. He was gobsmacked b
Transitioning through NHS in Scotland

NHS Scotland GIC Update

I have been given my virtual appointment for Sandyford on 8th March. This is the formal step I need to go through to gain access/permission to start HRT, people may not know it but my understanding is that there are only 4 Gender Identity Clinics for the whole of Scotland. Sandyford in Glasgow, Chalmers in Edinburgh, then smaller clinics in Aberdeen and Inverness. Sandyford & Chalmers are the only ones that can confirm HRT and then everyone in Scotland has to have another psychological

Turning a corner or becoming resigned?

I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable a

One small step

So today I took another small step forwards. I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me.  I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year.  What a total difference to the last time I tried to call!  Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that woul
Coming Out

Finally told my mum

Well, I finally did it! Over lunch yesterday my mum asked about how my counselling was going, so I took a deep breath and told her that there was a lot of really big stuff that had come about, I'd realised that so much of my adult life had been spent trying to be what other people wanted me to be that I had no idea who I was.. and after a lot of searching I'd realised that I have never been comfortable as a man and the right word for me was transgender. I did not  know if she would understa

A melancholy moment

Just had a really bizarre moment.   I agreed to sign up to an endurance race with my nephews and sister next March - it is a 10 mile race, at night - up and down the Scottish hills - quite mad and quite fun. As a part of the entry I had to fill in the usual ID form and for the first time in my life I genuinely hesitated at the male or female question.  I have been happily filling in forms for most of my life without any qualms whatsoever. It actually made me tear up a little

Halloween Home cosplay

A few weeks ago I decided to start making a cosplay - for those who don't know cosplay is taking a (usually) fictional character  that you like and recreating their look, folks who have gone to 'cons will have seen hundreds of them. It is effectively like dresing up for a halloween party, but usually tied to an aspect of geek culture instead of horror. I was rewatching the RWBY series recently and was struck by the main charcacter Ruby Rose: Although in

New Glasses

I had my eyes tested earlier this week, in the UK the recommendation is that you have a check up every 2 years and I was due because I have been having an internal debate about getting more feminine glasses for myself. The ones I have been wearing the last 2 years are classed as unisex, and in the shops these can be expensive to buy.  I went back to a site I used in my student days and they still exist - budget friendly mail glasses where you put in your prescription and they send them out in th

Of all the things...

I was coming home this evening and listening to the local radio station, taking advantage of being in an area with actual radio coverage is nice, it was a traditional Scottish tunes show they were playing a Military two step, and it hit me.  If I am going to be Dee I am going to have to learn how to dance again! Scottish country dancing is done in village halls across the highlands at every wedding and major event - especially New Years and is something you learn to do at school- but I have

Feeling good!

Today I was up and dressed as Dee in just under an hour, it is the first time in over a month that I have done my face and makeup and while I am out of practice I feel wonderful, last night I painted my toenails pink and then glossed my fingernails so they look kind of like a french manicure, but while these things have definitely made me feel happy I just feel different. Today is the first day in almost a year that I have not felt totally conflicted about my gender, this morning I actually feel

Lockdown blues (or pinks?)

I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the oth
Dysphoria

My Dysphoria List (may contain triggers)

Most of you will know that I tried to do a list like this at the beginning of last year and struggled to make more than a few bullet points from my childhood that I remember being centred around gender roles and my discomfort with them, but my counsellor has asked me to send it to her before our next session so tonight I thought I would look at it and see what I could remember, I wrote 10 pages!!! 😲 and that's condensing my marriage down to just a sentence or two.   I am still unsure w
Coming Out

Life Update

Well I did it. I was offered a paid sabbatical from work to transition for the sake of my mental health and I took it. I had finally reached the point of knowing that if I stayed where I was much longer I may never make it. I was worried that it was just a way for them to shunt me out quietly as there was no guarantee of a position afterwards, which turned out to be a valid concern - but it was 100% worth it. The Pros: I am now living full time as myself - and it is awesome!
Counselling

I write too much!

So I have just finished my gender counselling and am in between appointments, so I will need to go and change and wipe any signs of DeeDee away for the day. The psychologist loved my list, she said it effectively sums up my life and ties in my emotions and struggles with gender roles and identities, but she also said while she felt bad she wanted me to cut the list down. She said she looks at it from a psychological perspective and found that even she as getting distracted from the gender a

Another interesting dream

My dream self seems to have more fun than I do!   I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about.   This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day.   In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy

A very Happy New Years

In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas.  There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays. It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside

Truisms

I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:  
Mood

Bubbling restless energy

This afternoon I cheered myself up  from an emotionally draining morning of work by trying to cut my dysphoria list down. I have whittled out 4 pages which dealt more with emotional connections than direct gender conforming and exception examples, and I have tried to use single sentences rather than explain instances, but it is really hard. I'm skimming through 30-40 years here.   While doing this I have realised that I am really, really wanting to start coming out socially. The i

Coming out to my baby sisters

This week I have finally started to become emotionally okay with being Transgender.  Intellectually I knew it months ago, but internally I have been fighting it whether I meant to or not. Being transgender was great for other people, but just a headache and not okay for me. It messes up too may areas in my life.Thanks to the support and encouragement from many of the people I have met online I am starting to look at it differently and without quite so much of the panic and feelings of being suck

New Ally

I initially titled this an ally - but after forgetting to put the space in when I typed it in google to check my spelling I changed my mind 😳 I travelled down the road last night with my children to stay at my sisters house, we both have daughters who were born on the same day and so while cousins they often look and behave as twins. (My two younger sisters who I am yet to tell about my trans feelings are twins so I really do know).  Once the kids had been sent to bed I got to sit up and ha

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