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CarolineTyler's Blog

A blog by CarolineTyler in General

  • Entries

    27

  • Comments

    66

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    24,065

About this blog

Just my thoughts and feelings

Entries in this blog

Changing up a gear!

I can hardly believe that August has come around so soon and wow, things have so moved on. My personal relationship with my beautiful partner Ruth has recently reached the maturity of two years engaged and it feels so good to have that special person in my life. I got made redundant again in February as the company re-structured and no longer needed my position. As it happens I was about to quit anyway since I had made plans to move to the North of England and come April that has happened. I n

Its been abit of a mad Christmas/New Year

First of all, sorry to anyone who has been following my blogs on here, but since September 2011 things have been in total upheaveal. Mid-November things came to a head at work, issues with my managers means I felt discriminated against, to the point that no matter what I did would never be enough. Anyway after talking it over with HR, and some fairly obvious threats of legal ramifications, they came up with a very nice severence settlement meaning I finished work immediatly, was paid in oui

You never know when it's going to happen but...

You never know when it's going to happen but when you realise you just can't live without a particular person in your life it's just so sweet... First of all, apologies in advance for the 'sloppiness' of this post but I just had to let it out somewhere! I met Ruth some 6 months ago now, I was at the time I was dating another woman called Michelle and we had both met Ruth at the same time through a local club. We all got on well and knowing that Ruth was totally lesbian I didn't think for o

Cried last night

They were not the tears of pain, it was because of a simple statement my fiancé said last night in bed. We were talking about friends, their issues (marriage/money etc.) and got on to insecurities. Of course being a trans-woman I could write a book with the insecurities I have about 'passing', we all see the bits we don't like in the mirror. She simply turned to me and said, "Darling, I've NEVER slept with a man" and that brought tears to my eyes. Hugs Caroline xxx

Futures

Many of us on this journey have a future that's not clear, we know in our minds the destination we want but between here and there the path is twisted, indistinct with numerous blockages put there by both ourselves (doubt and fear being big ones) and by others, doctors, loved ones, work etc. Yesterday, my future came more into focus with my first sign-off for surgery from the gender clinic. The meeting with the doctor was scheduled for 45 minutes, it lasted just 20 minutes. At the end of it I w

Changing priorities

What do you consider important in your life. To me it used to be to "fit in", to be "normal", to get married, have children, support and nurture them and along the way hopefully to find happiness. Only I wasn't "normal", I didn't "fit in", I used to wake up in the mornings, stare at a face I hated and try to convince myself that one day it will be fine if I could just carry on doing.....this.....this stuff to distract myself from the inner turmoil. Some two and a half years after making a bi

Moment of clarity

You know how sometimes its all becomes clear, your life as it was, where you are now and the future ahead, I think I had one of those moments on Tuesday just gone. I have been going through a a period of doubt about my job, I know my boss's boss doesn't like me one bit, it's so obvious in the why he talks to me on the conference calls to the US (where he is located). I'm totally sure he would like to see me gone and I've been playing justify my position for the past year and a bit, having any e

Changes...

Things in my life are progressing, some a bit to slow for my liking but at least the movement is forward. Did a blood test last week and met my doctor yesterday and after the recent increase in my estrogen dose the blood levels are now nicely within the prescribed levels of the gender clinic. So barring any issues this will be the dosage that I'll be kept on until post-op when they will be reviewed. Also got another 3-month Zoladex implant at the same time - this works so well, my testosterone

Minor update

It's been a while since I last added an entry and since then, nothing dramatic has happened, just minor changes. Two months after having my last blood test my oestrogen prescription has been pushed up another notch as the levels measured were a little low. Picked them up yesterday along with another blood test form. yuck Couple of days ago I let my girlfriend cut my hair, haven't been so nervous about anything for ages but it payed off - I love it, a bit of a bob but it feels thicker and bounc

5 months on hormones - how time flys!

As I popped this mornings estrogen pill from its plastic and foil womb I realised that this particular pill was the 1st one of month six (a month being a lunar one as the pills are based on a born woman's cycle - 28 days) and that I had indeed completed 5 months of these little wonders. So to take stock of what I've noticed... Oh yes - BOOBS!!!!! Prob. the most obvious effect is that I have a nice pair of developing boobs - currently a big A knocking on a B cup. The aureoles have widened a

Dream

Tuesday - to me the most hopeless day of the week - not halfway like Wednesday, not a post weekend downer like Monday or the buildup to the weekend like Thursday and Friday. And this Tuesday feels really weird as I had Monday off work. Anyway I awoke this morning, pulled harshly into reality by my alarm clock from a particularly poignant dream. I was looking down at my youngest son as a baby, he looked at me and smiled, holding out his arms to be picked up - I was just in the act of cuddling

I'm so easily worried!

Had a phone call from the doctor's office yesterday morning, "Are you available this afternoon? The doctors wants to talk to you about your recent blood test" This, to my mind is not a good thing to say on the phone, immediately I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, what wrong, what has shown up in the test?" Of course I said I was available, who wouldn't, and so I spent the next 3 hours or so worrying and fretting about what my doctor would be telling me. Eventually he called and told me that the e

3rd appointment at the Gender Clinic

Just got back from my 3rd appointment at the Charing Cross gender clinic. The appointment was originally for 3:30pm but got re-scheduled for 9:15am two weeks ago. I duly got up at 5:45am and made myself ready to go out, arriving at the clinic 9:05am, I hate being late Usual booking in process, address, current contact number etc. then I sat down to wait for the doctor. 9:30 - nothing 9:40 - still nothing - checked with the receptionist, Oh he must be running late, we haven't heard from h

Families

Yesterday (10th Feb) was the funeral of my girlfriends mother. The service was lovely with a lot of love being expressed for her mother. The reception (wake) was held at a local pub where many who knew her came and talked about her life, how she was a substitute mother for many and an emotional rock for her friends. However overnight, after much alcohol was drunken by my girlfriends brother and his rough friends, accusations were made that my girlfriend didn't care about her mother, that she w

12 weeks and loving it

Today marks the 1st day of the 13th week on hormones - today my estrogen goes up from 2mg to 4mg per day and I'm so looking forward to the effects accelerating. Yesterday I tried on my swimsuit without any breast-forms - and my girlfriend said that I would pass for female - the growth there meant that I looked like a small chested woman, my waist is narrowing, my hips are definitely filling, my skin is getting softer and more translucent and my bottom is rounding. All this on 2mg per day - WOW!

Exits and entrances

Two days before Christmas 2010 my girlfriend's mother got bad news from the hospital, she had advanced primary pancreatic cancer and numerous secondary cancers. The prognosis was terminal and the level and number of cancers meant that there would be no effective treatment. I helped make Christmas as good as it could for the family, helping with the cooking and generally trying to keep things on an even keel. We all knew that the cancer was aggressive but I don't think anybody was really ready

Just another day

I've been on hormones now for nearly 9 weeks (come Wednesday) and the routine of taking them is firmly entrenched, their effects are most welcome in my life. I'm enjoying the growing mounds under my nightie just before bedtime, the shrinkage of my one testicle is now quite noticeable and with its reduced size is a tendency for it to sit much higher making tucking easier. haven't noticed much in the way of overall body shape change, but I expect that to take much longer before it shows properly.

A really unexpected change!

A few days ago I noticed a change that I have never read about anywhere. I was expecting the budding nipples and the associated tenderness, the subtle softenng of my face (noticed by a friend last week), and the changing of the body hair (what little there is of it). However I was sitting at my desk at home, with nothing but a nightie on and I noticed the distinct smell of a female vagina. Since I had not seen my girlfriend for some 5 days I knew it couldn't be a residue odour from her. Then I

2011 - a year of personal changes planned

As many look back at 2010, I decided to write a short update on what I hope to achieve in the coming year. So in approximate order through 2011 Divorce - I've been totally separated for two years com the 5th of January so under UK law divorce becomes a lot easier. I will of course ensure the support for my two children will continue, especially the youngest who is seventeen. GRC - After 2 years of real life experience is up on the 23rd of May I will apply for my Gender Recognition Certificat

It's happening, the first good signs

Okay, properly six full weeks into hormones and the 1st small signs of positive change are there. The Zoladex implants have acted first, that was a very welcome subtraction of testosterone, my thoughts are clearer and the annoying male erections are now few and far between, my one testicle (the other was removed when I was about 7 due to medical complications) has noticeably shrunk and now seems to be eager to hide away making tucking much easier. I haven't noticed any skin softening on my bod

The hopeful wait

The routine of pill taking has set in - decided to take the Estradiol Valerate sublingualy to improve the absorption rate, it takes about 10 minutes for it to dissolve under my tongue. Around 5 days after I had the Zoladex injected into my tummy, I started to experience quite strong tingles in my fingers (more so the right hand), like pins and needles. a couple of nights it actually work me up. Around day 8 that started subsiding and now on day 10 I have no tingles anymore. I wasn't too wo

Putting a smile on my face

Well, I keep patient after my 2nd appointment with the gender clinic on the 6th of October and waited knowing about the 6 week possible delay in sending letters out after appointments (its really good to be forewarned), and yesterday evening whilst in a bar with some close friends I got a call from my doctors receptionist to book an appointment to see him regarding hormone prescription. Wow they were on the ball and working late on a Monday! Booked to see him on the 17th Nov - had the Wednesd

Reflections on a birthday

I'm now 49 and with the impending dreaded 50 just one year away its rather made me think about what I've done up till now and what I want to achieve. I haven't made an impact on the world - the number of people who know of my existence is pretty darn small. Should this matter, do we need to have 'changed peoples lives' or received recognition for something? I guess the answer to that is no but it would be nice to feel I've at least helped some people along the way. I hope my children will

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