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Good morning! 1 more week, and some fear...

Chrissy

Entry posted by Chrissy

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Good morning everyone!

For those of you noticing that I don't have a pic (which hopefully won't be the case by the time most people notice), I tried to change it over the weekend, but for various tech reasons wasn't able to.

Anyway. The 1 more week in my subject line refers to 1 more week at work in which I'll generally be presenting as male (a male who wears mascara, lip gloss, and JLo jeans on Fridays, but a male). Next week we go into exam period and then summer, so I plan to shift my wardrobe and overall presentation to female as much as possible (money being the limitation).

I told both of my supervisors, and they said that they would also tell a couple of the students (the leaders of the respective organizations I work with) in case there's any talk among students. It should be fine, and the school's non-discrimination policy is really good (among the protected categories are "gender identity" and "gender expression").

But still some fear. What is that fear? I considered that yesterday (writing in a journal, that always helps me explore things more deeply).

(1) Fear of not being accepted, being rejected (a pretty minor concern)

(2) Fear of becoming a "sideshow" and as a result losing whatever level of respect I currently get (that one sounds bad, I hate to think of being TG as a "sideshow", but it was a thought)

(3) The big-one - the fear that I won't think I can go back. This is a journey, a journey that can go in any direction, including backwards. But if I get to a point where I think I want to go backwards, how weird will I feel having let so many people know? They might not understand it. Having said that, I know it shouldn't matter, and I'll do my best (if it comes up) to not let it matter. But also I don't see myself going back beyond where I am now. Nobody can totally predict the future, but I'm sure my future involves presenting more female than I do now (whether it goes all the way to full transition, well that's gonna take some time to know).

The last one got me to thinking about a similar situation, when I came out as gay. Soon after I did that I started thinking that I was actually bisexual, but I remember being too afraid to acknowledge that, to myself or especially to others. For the very reason above, that it would seem like I was going backwards to people (and the fact that I had been married - if I was bi, why not stay married?)

Those bisexual feelings, however suppressed, have remained until I recently acknowledged being TG. Then the feelings shifted and I realize (strongly suspect?) that I'm not really sexually attracted to women, I want to be one. The frustrating part (regret warning) is thinking that if I had been brave enough to acknowledge it back then, maybe I would have figured out the rest back then as well.

can't live on regret, can't go back, but it's a little frustrating. Hoping that getting it out here will help me purge it :) (and in therapy this week)

xoxo

Christie

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Emma

Hi Christie,

All of your fears are perfectly normal and understandable. And I can add #4! The fear that, after doing all this, going through so much, that you actually DO go back, retreat. But here's the thing: I don't know you well, of course, but I really doubt that you will go back, at least not all the way.

Yes, you may find that you actually want to live an "agender" life. And that's okay. Or maybe settle on one side or the other and move back and forth a little (bigender). Whenever. If you had not done what your are doing you would never really know what is right for you.

And, let's face it, none of this is static. Your feelings about what you need may evolve over your future years. That's okay too.

Thank goodness you have a good and protected job. Also, I keep reading about how younger people are much more open and accepting of everyone under the TG umbrella. So you have that going for you too.

Remember this, please: my gender therapist says that the journey is like riding a train, and there are many stations you can visit along the TG tracks. From time to time we get off the train to explore an area, and sometimes we stay. Other times we get back on and go further, and sometimes we take the train back a station or several. It's all okay on the TG Train!

Hugs,

Emma

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Chrissy

Emma,

I didn't need another fear!!!! :-)

I definitely agree that I can't see myself going back, at least not beyond where I am now. In my thinking over the weekend I actually tried to imagine what that would look like, and I didn't like it at all. That could change of course, but for now I know that for the foreseeable future I'll be presenting as more female than I have - I have to, it's what matches inside.

And "It's all ok on the TG Train!" is one of the greatest things I've ever heard :)

xoxo

Christie

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MonicaPz

Christie and Emma,

All aboard on the TG train!

Seriously, in my opinion, trying to decide on gender and sexual orientation, or sexual orientation BEFORE gender, is confusing.

It is best to find your true gender (internal gender), THEN sexual orientation, IN REFERENCE to the true gender, to know sexual orientation.

Just as an adolescent experimenting with sexuality does not reflect on true sexual orientation (exploring homosexuality does not make him or her a homosexual, for example), when one first transitions, just like an adolescent, the person may explore different sexual orientations, before finding the sexual orientation that is right for him or her.

Changing your mind on your sexual orientation does not make you a liar . . . as we all are a work in progress . . .

Monica

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KarenPayne

I like the analogy of this journey parallel to a ride on a train but for many it's a rollercoaster in that there are many ups and downs along the way, when there is a down pick yourself up and make that low into a high. This journey is never ending as I see it but at some point things will flatten out and become a new norm which you may not recognize as what happen in my case.

If possible don't dwell on the negative but how you can turn the negative into a learning experience and be better equipped to deal with it if this happens again.

Try and meet each and every day with a smile, smiling is contagious which can turn negative thoughts of others into positive thoughts which will come back you way a hundred fold and smiling is a freebie.

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