Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder what life would be like if I never got into drugs. If I had been content enough with my life that I didn't feel the need to party away everything that I had. Of course, I needed to learn the lesson that what little I have is precious and I need to take care of myself. I fell down that path of destruction because I didn't know that I was unhappy. I didn't even know what happiness was at the time. It always slipped by me, I didn't even know when I was happy.

I wonder life would be like if I had learned to find happiness in my assigned gender. If I could have come to terms with being gay while working in a boy's club where the word "fag" is tossed around as something that is useless. If I still would have learned how to dance or if I would still be out at raves flailing about and pretending that I knew what I was doing. At least back then people looked at me with desire - now they only look at me with curiosity.

I wonder.

There's a lot that I am finding that I have to come to terms with right now. After 2 years of HRT... well, I don't really know what I was expecting. That I would eat some pills and like magic, poof - I'm 5'9", 130 lbs and beautiful! Nope... no. After losing 40 lbs I have discovered that I have too much muscle on me to be a skinny girl. Frak. I guess all that working out to try and be more masculine has finally paid off! (Gorram it). No, I'm still 6'1", 150 lbs of former man.

My trans friends are so excited because they can't wait to be able to meet women as their real selves and I am so happy for them... and so jealous. While I have dabbled with the idea of being bisexual it is abundantly clear that I prefer men. I can not explain to them how hard it is to meet a man when I... well... will probably never be passable. The world of strait men is very, very different from that of bisexual and lesbian women.

So I've started telling my friends that I am ready to die alone. Bleak, but - perhaps realistic.

I wonder sometimes that if I had actually considered what I was up against at the time if I'd had changed my mind. My transition was the reason I sobered up but I can't help but think about if I had actually considered what I would end up looking like maybe I would have just been content with being a gay man. I would be miserable, but at least I would have a better chance at a partner that could comfort me in my dark days.

BUT!

It's really not all that bad. That's just my dark side talking, really - (s)he comes out every time I have my "hormone spike" (I name I have given my special time of the month. Is that a thing? It is totally a thing with me) and I have to just fight off all my insecurities. There's a lot that I have to be happy about.

For starters I had a wonderful night of dancing tonight. I have been doing blues/fusion dancing for about a year now and it is really starting to click. I'm still quite shy at class but my following is really getting better. There's nothing quite like being held close by a lead and listening to his motions as he guides us through the music, letting me go to flow on my own every once in a while. I usually don't get to stay for the entire social dance because of work obligations but tonight I stayed until the house lights came on. I needed that tonight.

Career wise - I had the opportunity to work on the world's first Transgender sitcom! Cast largely with transfolk as well. I was able to be more creative then ever as well as a camera operator and have assistants of my own instead of being an assistant. Words can not describe how amazing it was to not be the only trans person on set. Not to mention having scenes and characters that I could actually relate to! People even laughed at my trans-related jokes on set instead of just feeling uncomfortable ("is it okay if I laugh at that?")!

So whatever. Frak it.

When I made the decision to do this I was desperate.

I was out of options, and after 10 years of living in the closet I was ready to give up. That night I had the option of either ending it all or trying to transition and seeing if that killed me. I decided that if I was going to die... it was at least worth trying to do this. I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like at the end and I told myself that I was ready to die alone if nobody wanted to be around me afterwards. At least I would be happy.

I may not always be happy but at least I now know how to grab happiness when I see it.

And you know what? I AM BEAUTIFUL! Fuck you insecurities, I'll just keep on keepin' on.